Kamis, 14 April 2016

This is how I feel.

"Im still alive, but Im barely breathing...when a heart breaks, no it dont break even. Im fallin to pieces, Im fallin to pieces...what am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?"

Today I was reading through my status updates back from October, through to now, and just sat at my computer sobbing, my shoulders shaking as I cried into my hands. Big crocodile tears running down my cheeks and onto my t-shirt.

I miss Barry. I miss him so much. I feel like the grief hits me at the most random times, when I least expect it to. And Im LONELY. so so so lonely.

I wonder if my forgetting is just not a good thing. Probably not, right? I need to see a counselor, and badly. I just havent had the time to make the phone call to look around. I did call the chaplain at the hospital to see if they could give me any recommendations, but I havent heard back from them yet.

Most of all I am having trouble dealing with the reality of the situation. I thought I had dealt with it, but I dont think I have. Sure I dont get to talk to Barry on the phone all the time, and Im starting to forget what that was even like. And its only been 3 months. Most of all I miss the companionship. Having someone there to listen to me, to talk to me, to love me, and just be there with me.

So I just push the pain aside, go through my day to day life, and try to find other avenues for my loneliness. Yesterday afternoon I took my youngest daughter to the lake near our house, and shot some awesome pics of the Capitol building. Some were so awesome that I am going to frame them and put them in my new house! I dont know what else to do to combat the loneliness though. The gym is helping, I go as often as I can, 3-4 times a week for an hour or two. I talk on the phone to my friends, which helps somewhat. Or I just spend time aimlessly looking at the computer, and do nothing. Ive been meaning to break open my sewing machine, but I dont want to set it up until I have a house.


I stepped away from the computer for an hour while I was writing this and lost my train of thought. Ill try to continue it later. Sometimes I find it difficult to get back into the groove if Ive stepped away.

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