Selasa, 05 April 2016

So I thought I had this great post all written out in my head, when it just vanished. I completely lost my inspiration.

I can probably summarize it a bit, explain what happened to me today, and perhaps you can all give me some insight.

This morning I had an appointment to go to, but before I went I was a tense bundle of nerves all morning. I wasnt even nervous about the appointment though. I felt like I had a ball of wobbly gobbly goo in my belly (if you can guess that reference, you win a prize!). Or if you want to use an even better analogy, a big ball of snakes wriggling around. I dont know why I felt that way, but I felt like I had to get up and RUN. Just run, or jump, or even scream! It really felt like "fight or flight", super adrenaline I guess.

It eventually went away after I left the house and went about my day. I felt so on edge this morning, I was very tense and couldnt calm down. I wasnt yelling at the kids, nothing like that, but I just felt very very on edge.

I know it is common in this sort of situation. I felt it at the hospital when the Dr told me they couldnt find a pulse. At that moment, I screamed as loud as you could possibly imagine. Ears ringing screaming at the top of my lungs. Thats also when I pushed past the doctor and ran full speed down the hallway to Barrys room. Now, Im a big girl. Im not skinny, and any sort of running hurts my shins. But I could have beat an Olympic gold medal winner for how fast I sprinted down that hallway. I didnt feel any pain whatsoever, except in my heart. It really is a "fight or flight", super adrenaline rush.

Im sure to experience it again. I know it wasnt an anxiety attack, because I have had those in the past and this was very far from it. At least now I know what it is, and I can better channel that energy. Im actually thinking of getting another membership at a gym, so that I can release some of whatever is inside me, besides excess chub.

In other news, I need advice on the boy. He is having a super hard time dealing with his daddys death. He doesnt like to talk about his feelings, and hates to cry. Im so sad for him because I dont know how to help him. We talk about daddy, how its OK to be sad and cry, I give extra hugs etc etc. Im even a bit more lenient with them, and today I even picked out some special presents for the kids at Toys R Us, for them to have a special surprise when they got home from school.

But he is acting out. Everyone is, but he especially. Hes meaner to his sisters for sure. I have enrolled us in a family grief support group. Mostly its for the kids, but the parents go. The first session starts mid November, and I am looking forward to going. I hope I can get some sort of insight on how to deal with kids and grieving. Any advice? A friend of mine gave me some ideas that I am going to put into play tomorrow afternoon when they get home from school again, but I welcome any advice.

I wish I could take all the pain and sadness away and just make us happy again. It really breaks my heart to see them so sad and crying.

Why is life so unfair?

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