Dear Barry and A Year Of Memories

I guess April was just too much of a crazy month for me, because I forgot a couple A year of Memories posts. The day in question was April 8th, 1999, but I wont be writing about it after all because it wasnt a very good memory for Barry and I. After the years had passed, we always laughed about it, but Id still rather not write about it. And with that....

Dearest Barry,

Today was May 1st. You know what that means!!!

We missed you so much this weekend. Friday night the kids and I had cake, like we always do on April 30th ;-), and a special dinner. Maybe not super special this year, but the kids wanted pizza, so I picked up our favorite frozen DiGiornos, and a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting (because that has always been your favorite) for dessert. Before we ate, I dug out the black candles and lit the big black pillar for you, and placed it in the middle of the table. As we ate, I had all of us go around and say a special memory we had of you. Mine was how you laughed like a little girl, and the kids also mentioned how you stank up the bathroom, snored all the time and farted a lot. Leave it to our kids to remember that stuff, lol. We all had a good laugh at that. A refused to talk, as always. I also read to the kids a bit about the history of this weekend!

This morning we woke up to a breakfast of orange breakfast rolls with icing, and chocolate milk. It was fabulous! We got ready, and then headed out to North West Trek. Do you remember how you and I were planning on going for Es birthday in October? You really wanted to go see the Cats! :) The kids and I had been talking about what to do for this weekend for months, and it was their idea to go to NWT because we knew you had wanted to. So we did that today, and celebrated the day just as we would had you been there! It was our tribute to you, darling, because you couldnt be there in person.

We spent all day there, and I got so many pictures. I am quite positive you knew we were going, because ALL the animals were out, and I got so many pictures. I took over 450 pictures today! So many of the cats too. Oh, they were gorgeous Barry, you would have loved them! We spent a long time at the Cougar enclosure :)

Our plan was to eat at KFC for dinner, but the kids wanted Subway! On our way home, we picked it up and ate at home, ending our special day. I will be continuing this tradition with the kids for as long as is possible...forever I think, and we will always be doing something fun, as because of you, this tradition started.

Tonight after dinner, I made this stupid mistake of reading your twitter page. I resembled a raccoon by the time I was done, as I was sobbing uncontrollably. I MISS YOU. Oh how I miss you darling. It was so neat to see your tweets though, to see your witty self coming through those words on the screen, but it only made me feel worse. I dont think Ill be reading it for awhile again though. What really made me cry though, was reading your tweets when you were sick, saying you had a killer immune system etc etc. And then your very last one, saying you were in the hospital with pneumonia, ending it with an FML. You didnt know, did you? sigh. I wish we could turn back the clock and pause forever in August and early September. If only we could, right?

Well my dear, Doctor Who is on and I have to go. You know how that is ;-) I love you and adore you, and miss you so much. Ill see you in my dreams, I hope.

Love forever and always,

Me

xoxoxoxp

p.s. As I was reading your tweets, I found the one you wrote to me last summer about Hades licking the blinds strings in the old house. And guess what? He does it here too! LOL I had to laugh the other day when I saw him doing that. Crazy cat!!

*************

Every year from April 30th-May 1st, we have a family day. If May 1st even falls on a school day, the kids are taken out of school. It doesnt matter, that is the protocol for our family. That is how important this day is to us. Every year we do something fun, and last year we went to Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle. Last year too, we were behind schedule, same as today! haha Guess that has also become tradition :)

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Im Fallin To Pieces

This is how I feel.

"Im still alive, but Im barely breathing...when a heart breaks, no it dont break even. Im fallin to pieces, Im fallin to pieces...what am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?"

Today I was reading through my status updates back from October, through to now, and just sat at my computer sobbing, my shoulders shaking as I cried into my hands. Big crocodile tears running down my cheeks and onto my t-shirt.

I miss Barry. I miss him so much. I feel like the grief hits me at the most random times, when I least expect it to. And Im LONELY. so so so lonely.

I wonder if my forgetting is just not a good thing. Probably not, right? I need to see a counselor, and badly. I just havent had the time to make the phone call to look around. I did call the chaplain at the hospital to see if they could give me any recommendations, but I havent heard back from them yet.

Most of all I am having trouble dealing with the reality of the situation. I thought I had dealt with it, but I dont think I have. Sure I dont get to talk to Barry on the phone all the time, and Im starting to forget what that was even like. And its only been 3 months. Most of all I miss the companionship. Having someone there to listen to me, to talk to me, to love me, and just be there with me.

So I just push the pain aside, go through my day to day life, and try to find other avenues for my loneliness. Yesterday afternoon I took my youngest daughter to the lake near our house, and shot some awesome pics of the Capitol building. Some were so awesome that I am going to frame them and put them in my new house! I dont know what else to do to combat the loneliness though. The gym is helping, I go as often as I can, 3-4 times a week for an hour or two. I talk on the phone to my friends, which helps somewhat. Or I just spend time aimlessly looking at the computer, and do nothing. Ive been meaning to break open my sewing machine, but I dont want to set it up until I have a house.

******

I stepped away from the computer for an hour while I was writing this and lost my train of thought. Ill try to continue it later. Sometimes I find it difficult to get back into the groove if Ive stepped away.

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I CAN Do It MYSELF

I know Ive been promising this post for awhile. I dont have time to write it, but Im making time.

Through ten years of marriage, I became quite dependant on Barry. He was always the one I relied on, we always discussed major decisions and I probably was a bit too dependent. I know that now, and I knew that then too, but oh well, it was me! That was me for the longest time, and now Ive had to forge a new me.

This new me has been FORCED to become independent. There is no one else to rely on but myself. And I hate it. I despise it. I abhor being the responsible one. I dislike having to make all the major decisions. I hate this aspect of widowhood with a passion. I have made so many decisions in the last almost 5 months that I have become overwhelmed.

To add insult to injury, many things have gone wrong too, which just adds to me having to do things on my own. Like with my van. In the last couple weeks, Ive had an alignment done, the door actuators fixed, an oil change, the tires rotated, and now replaced, brakes fixed, a radiator leak fixed, and the rear bumper replaced because someone hit me. Ive grown tired of seeing my friends at Midas. Today should be the last day, my tires are getting replaced as the tread on them is pretty low. But, the van has had those tires since before we bought it three years ago, so I suppose its time to do it anyway.

But you know, I CAN do it all by MYSELF. I dont like it, but I can and am doing it. Ive bought a house on my own too! Ive handled all the van repairs on my own. Ive filled out countless forms for life insurance and death certificates. I planned the funeral and wrote the obituary (with some help I might add) and even spoke at Barrys funeral by myself.

Ive also outfitted an entire house by myself. This house stuff though has been the most stressful I think. Just the simple act of purchasing furniture has had my head spinning in all different directions. On tuesday at the furniture store, I really started to shut down towards the end. I couldnt do it anymore. I was able to pick out furniture for my living room, my bedroom, and the great room. But I spent a good 4 hours in the Macys store! Thats all done though, finally. Wednesday afternoon I went to another store and picked out my book shelves and TV stand, and a clock. I could feel myself shutting down again though, so I decided enough was enough and left. Tomorrow the kids and I are going back there to pick out V and Es beds and dressers, and As dresser, and my computer desk. After that, we will head to Sleep Country to get mine and V and Es mattresses. I still have to get minor things like dishes and some decor items, but the major stuff is done...except for a Piano. That can wait. Today I even picked out all my blinds for the new house, by MYSELF. I didnt even have my Realtor help, haha. I made all the decisions with the vendor, by MYSELF. Can I share a secret though? if I could, I would have hired an interior decorator/design person to do it all for me.

I can pack an entire house by myself. I can move into a new house by myself. I can pick out furniture and bedding and all that by myself. I can handle van repairs by myself. I can de-clutter a house by myself. I can make all the important decisions, like the kids changing schools, and where A will go to pre-school by myself. I can decide that its not a good idea for us to go to DC/PA, but that it is a good idea for us to go to Disneyland, by myself. And I can go to a movie tonight by myself...first time for everything, right?

I have often found myself wondering what would Barry think of all this? Would he like the decisions Ive made, would he like what I have picked out? But then I have to remind myself that while I value his opinion, hes dead. Hes not here anymore, and I cant constantly base my decisions on what he would have done. Im alone now, and though hes with me in my heart, and in my mind, hes not here in person for me to rely on. I cant ask him what he thinks of this piece of furniture, or that one, or what bed to get the girls, what tires I should get on the van, Ive had to do it by myself. Its a bit freeing though, to be completely honest, knowing that I CAN pick and choose what I want and not worry if he would like it or not. I had all these ideas of what I wanted to buy for my new house, the colors and all that stuff too, and when I went to pick it out, I went completely opposite of what I had in mind. Its so different from what we would have picked out together, but I think thats good in a way. Most of our stuff is being replaced, but the one piece I am keeping in the house, which doesnt even match my new kitchen all that well, is the table and chairs we bought a year ago. He and M put it together, and while it doesnt match my cabinets, that doesnt matter...he put it together. His hands pieced it together with the help of our son, and it will stay in my kitchen as our family table for a very long time.

Barry would be proud of me, proud of all the decisions Ive made on my own. He would say "I knew you could do it Joanna, and I am so proud of you! I always told you you could do it on your own, you never needed me to make all the decisions".

Ill tell you though, I am amazed that I have done it all by myself. Ive wanted to crawl into a ball and rock myself sometimes due to all the stress, but I havent. I will keep on keepin on, and get through this. Things will settle down eventually, the stress will dissipate and I will continue to do things on my own. I will develop a stronger skin, I will become even more independent than I already am, and I will get through it.

One day at a time, I can do it by myself.

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Twins Turn 9 Happy Birthday to the Two Best 9 Year Olds Ever!!!

I really wanted to write a whole big long post for today, but Im just not feeling up to it.

Life has really dealt me a shitty hand this past week, and I am tired, and exhausted, and just dont have any energy to put a lot of thought into a deep and thoughtful blog post. So if my post is boring and not well thought out, just deal with it! HAH!

June 2000 was when I found out I was pregnant. I dont remember the exact day, but my period was late and I went to the Medical Center on base to get a blood test. It came back later that morning before I was due to go to work, so I was anxious to finish my shift and go tell Barry. When work was over, I rushed over to the base, found Barry, and ran up to him...gave him a hug, and said "Youre going to be a daddy!!!". He was shocked to say the least, lol. I dont remember anything else about that day, except those few memories. I am almost positive I found out the middle of June though.

Just a couple weeks later I had my first doctors appointment. I saw Dr Westerburg, my OB/GYN on the German economy. I had an ultra sound that day too, and since it was so early on in my pregnancy, I had a vaginal ultrasound. I was extremely shy, and had Barry wait on the other side of the screen. This was on June 27th, 2000. Now, you have to realize that Barry and I were kind of hoping that we would only have one child first, but since twins run in my family, we knew that it was a possibility. Dr Westerburg was administering the ultrasound, when suddenly she exclaimed loudly "Yah, I zink I zee two in zhere!", in her German accent. Barry immediately rushed around the screen despite the fact that I had asked him to stay on the other side, and we watched the screen as Dr Westerburg showed us our two babies. I was 6 weeks pregnant at this first ultrasound.

On September 11th, I found out I was expecting a boy and a girl! I was in my 17th week of pregnancy. Barry was on a field exercise during my appointment, so he was not able to come with me to find out. But you bet I called him as soon as I got home! I was so happy to tell him he was having a son!!! AND a daughter!!! It was very, very obvious that Marshall was a boy. He was NOT shy about hiding his goods at all! lol

In late November, early December of that year, we moved back to the States, and settled in WA. My new Dr was Dr. Kathy Hennesey, whom I loved dearly, and was our family doctor for years. She actually delivered child #3 as well. I was put on bed rest for a couple weeks, as that plane trip we took from Germany to WA state gave me pre-ecclampsia! bummer! I spent the last couple weeks before the twins were born laying on my couch, watching crappy TV and doing nothing, lol. I was waiting for the time to pass, but it went by so slowly.

On Feb 7th, a year and a day ago, it was the night before my C-section, and I had Barry measure me. I measured about 55" around the biggest part of my belly! I was all belly! I was absolutely HUGE! I have pictures of me from that day, or the day of the surgery, somewhere, and I am always astonished at how huge I looked.

To be honest, I cant remember much of the day they were born. What I do remember is in bits and pieces. We got up super early to head to the hospital, my c-section was pretty early that day. I think I got in Pre-Op around 7 or so, and then the surgery began about 7:30. Let me tell you, you lose ALL modesty when you have a c-section, and I know, because I have had 3! After my spinal (I loved my Anesthesiologist by the way), I was laid out spread eagle and naked on the table, and they put my catheter in. I dont remember much after this, except that I got sick and threw up (as I did with all my c-sections), and that Barry stood up during the surgery to watch them take the kids out and said he saw my internal organs. LOL. He never recovered from that, haha. He said he saw my liver and my intestines as they were pushing around to get the twins out. The reason I had a c-section was not just because it was twins, but because V was breech...she was bum down, and not heavy enough to even make me dilate. And then M was transverse, so the two of them were making a T in there! lol T for twins!

V was the first one out, at 8:10AM. She cried for a bit, but had a bit of trouble breathing, so they took her over to the table and got her howling pretty quickly. M was next at 8:12 AM, and Barry was watching too. He said M was so gangly that when they pulled him out, he kept coming out, there was no end to him (Even now, at 9 years old, he is almost 5 feet tall and has legs like a horse! He is gangly and ALL legs, lol). He squawked once, and then he was quiet. lol. Again, I dont remember too much about this. I do remember hearing asking why V wasnt crying right away, and then looking over to my right and seeing a big ark of pee going through the air, as M peed everywhere! lol

Barry went upstairs with the twins and assisted the nurse in giving them their baths. I was in recovery at this time, so I was really out of it. All the memories I have of this are what Barry told me. The nurse washed M, and Barry washed V. He told me he was scared to hurt her, so he didnt get all the blood and junk out of her hair, lol. I remember commenting about that when I saw them after recovery.

There are so many memories of that day, but I am having trouble making sense of them. I was out of it on drugs and it was such an emotional day. I was so proud and happy to become a mommy at last! Barry was such a proud daddy. I have some wonderful pictures of him with the twins in the hospital, and afterwards, for years afterwards.

I am so proud of V and M. I am so happy to be their mommy! I cant believe that 9 years have passed already, and they are 9 years old! The last 9 years have just flown by...it seems just yesterday that they were born. I really dont know where the time has gone. Tonight we are going to go out to our favorite Pizza buffet for dinner, and have cake when we get home. Saturday afternoon is their combined birthday party, which we are having at a local gymnastics gym.

It breaks my heart that they wont have Barry at their birthday. He SHOULD be HOME right now. He should be here with me, sitting at the couch, working on his school work on his lap top. Or else he should be in the kitchen making the birthday cakes like he always did. I am mad that he has to miss the rest of their birthdays. I didnt want to write this post because I knew I was going to cry writing it. And yes I did, towards the end of this, I started to sob silently into my hands. The tears squeezed out of the corner of my eyes until my shoulders started to shake. And now my nose runs as I try to control the tears and crying. I miss Barry so much, I am so sad that he has to miss this most important day.

Please keep us in your thoughts as we try to get through today. Give us strength, and wish the twins a Very Happy 9th Birthday, even though we are sad, and missing our Husband and Daddy.

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Comparing Today to Last Year

Today I am celebrating my last day of being 29, my last day in my 20s.  Without Barry.

Last year, on this day, we were preparing to go to Canada the very next day.  Barry was getting mad because the lawn was so long, and had to go to Lowes to get new lawn mower blades and a socket set.  I was packing for our upcoming trip, and it was super hot outside.  He was a little cranky, I remember that, because I had let the grass get too long while he was gone. haha.

And today, life is so incredibly different.  Im a single mom.  Im on my very last day of being 29.  I weigh 78lbs less than I did a year ago. Ive got vodka and tequila in the freezer in preparation for my sister and a friend and I to drink! lol  Im sitting inside while my kids are outside playing in the sun, taking a break from cleaning because Im going to have company all weekend.  Trying to figure out what I will be wearing tomorrow night when we go out for dinner and to the bar.

One year ago today I NEVER could never have fathomed this day.  I think if someone had told me how different life would be today compared to last year, I would have laughed hysterically.  Last year Barry and I were concerned with telling my family we were moving to Pennsylvania.  RIGHT NOW Im supposed to be in Pennsylvania, or moving there, not being here in Washington still wondering why Im having to celebrate my 29th birthday without my husband. Sorry, my DEAD husband.  Sometimes I still have trouble believing he is dead.  Really? hes DEAD? what do you mean? it just doesnt seem possible.  I cant accept it, and I dont think I ever will.  I may move on, I will fall in love again, and I will probably get remarried one day, but I will never accept the fact that he died.  Its just not fair, its not supposed to happen. I dont understand why he is dead.  Why is he dead?

To sum up the last 10 years, I still dont think how I could even fathom this day compared to 10 years ago.  On my 20th birthday, Barry and I were just barely married, I was pregnant with the twins, and we were at a flea market in Germany.  Life has changed so much in ten years, I cant even begin to imagine what the next 10 years are going to bring me.  In 10 years, I met the man of my dreams, I lived in so many houses, in 2 different countries and continents, I moved all over WA state. I weathered many financial ups and downs with Barry, supported him through many job changes, bought and sold our first house.  Got pregnant and gave birth to 4 wonderful children.  Loved Barry with all my heart, and watched him die in front of my eyes, screamed and yelled at the doctors that this wasnt real, that I wasnt a widow.  That I was too young to be a widow.  And I became a single mom. A widow.

I hope that the next 10 years of my life are better, happier.  Ive heard that the 30s are better than the 20s.   I dont know how much more heartbreak I can take. This is a big step for me, as was New Years eve.  Now Im not only starting a new decade without him, but a whole new age. My 20s will be my years with Barry, but what will my 30s be?  I know it will be a good decade for me. I just know it.  In the next ten years, we will face even more life changes... V, M and E will graduate high school and leave the house. I will have a job, and hopefully be a best selling author.  I hope I will be remarried and in love with the man of my dreams.  I hope the next 10 years are good.    But I know that if I want them to be good, i have to do my very best to make them so.

**********
Dinner reservations are made for tomorrow night, I have some special people coming to help me celebrate my birthday over dinner, and then my sister, our friend and I are going bar hopping.  Kind of funny, but just now my special birthday song came on as I was listening to iTunes.  Ill try write about that tomorrow.

Happy Birthday To Me!

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Guess I Should Post Today

Today was 10 months ago that Barry died.

I dont remember what I was doing 10 months ago exactly.  It was all a blur to me, and remembering what I did to pass that first evening that Barry was dead is to much work.  Im sure my mind has just blocked it out, because I remember certain things like having a glass of wine with my mom and sister the next night, and crying myself to sleep each night, and also waking up at 5AM on October 11th, crying my eyes out in my sleep.

Today I experienced something sad that I wished I could have shared with Barry.  Two and a half years ago, we put our first, and only home we owned together, on the market, because we could no longer afford it.  We landed up selling it a few months later, and moved to the house I just moved out of in April.  We loved that house so much, it broke my heart to have to sell it, but we had no choice but to sell.

On our way to dentist appointments in the same town today, I though we would stop by the old house and take a peek.  I had a friend of mine that had never seen it, so I thought wed show the house and where we used to live.  I havent driven by there in quite some time, so imagine my surprise when we noticed the house was abandoned.  Abandoned.  The yard was filled with three foot high brown grass, debris everywhere.  The backyard was even worse, it being an acre at least, and so much junk filled it.  We looked in the windows, and were greeted to sights of garbage in the house, old nasty furniture, and just general mess.  This house that we loved so much, was foreclosed on by the people that bought it from us.  Apparently, they left their dog there too, and my old neighbors landed up taking her in as their own.

The things that we loved so much about that house were just ruined. My old neighbor Shirley told me they took a gorgeous house (which was when we had it) and turned it into a crappy fixer upper. It broke my heart seeing it like that, because it was a beautiful home when we owned it.  Im sad for that house, and I have half a mind to go buy it, but I wont be.  Its not worth it because weve closed that chapter in our lives, and the memories we have in that house would be too painful to relive.  Christmases, birthdays, taking A home from the hospital to that house, the wood stove that Barry loved so much, our 400sq foot master bedroom, my custom oak cabinets in the kitchen.  I wish I could have told Barry about all this, and I knew he would figuratively "roll over in his grave", if he knew.

I dont have much else to write.  I filled up the day without even realizing it, and didnt even realize it was the 10th until 11:30 this morning.  I cant believe I forgot.


P.S...I did get a new car on July 23d.  I landed up purchasing a Silver 2011 Honda Pilot.  Im absolutely in LOVE with it.  Its fantastic and gorgeous and gets pretty good gas mileage.  I drove it off the lot with 9 miles on it!! I just LOVE it ;)

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Blogging Break

As shown by my recent lack of posting, I havent had much to talk about in our lives.  

Life has slowed down dramatically for us, since we havent been busy with moving, and we are just enjoying living in this new house.

Life is good right now, and I am enjoying it.  Ive passed the 7 month mark, and I feel different.  I feel less grief most of the time, and I feel more at peace with what has happened to us.  Last night for the first time, I was able to say to someone, frankly and bluntly..."Barry is dead, and hes not coming back".  I need to get on with my life!

We have some exciting events happening in the next month!  The kids got accepted into their grief camp, so we have the welcoming pizza party for that on the 26th, and then they go to camp June 11-13.  Im going to see Jim Norton in Seattle on the 28th, which I am extremely excited for.  I plan to take a sharpie and have him sign my boobage! Yes, I totally am going to do that! And this upcoming week, I will be booking our trip to Florida, so that is going to take some time for me too, with all the logistics of car rentals, and hotels and flights etc etc. 

I dont feel that I have anything to write right now, so I am going to take a break from blogging.  Not long Im sure, I just didnt want to leave this blog unattended, and have everyone wonder where I am.  Im here, just living!   Ill be back soon!! 

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Goodbye Fog Hello Clouds

I was reading a few blogs today written by fellow widows, and one in particular struck a chord with me regarding the timeline we follow when we grieve.

Grief is a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs, wobbly bits, sharp fast corners and stomach-dropping vomit inducing speeds. And then at times, it is peaceful and quiet, calm even. You cant predict what will happen next, unfortunately, as grief is a roller coaster that doesnt have a set course. It goes in any which way it wants.

Right now I feel I am on the calm tracks of my grief roller coaster. It could change tomorrow, it could change in a week, but right now, I am OK.

Right around the 6 month mark is when some grieving widows/widowers say they start to feel they are getting a handle on their grief. I have noticed that recently when I cry, my tears are different. Theyre more sad. But with that sadness comes a realization that this life is real, and I cant hide from it anymore. Were about 5 months in now, short a couple days, and it has really only been recently that I have noticed this change.

Is it resignation? Have I finally come to terms with Barrys death? Resignation maybe. The fact that I know this is it, that I cant change anything, and this is the life I have been given. But I still havent come to terms with it. Yes, I know he is dead. I am reminded of that every single time I glance at my dresser and see an Oak box sitting upon it, with his name engraved into it. I feel like a conundrum really, despite the fact that I can sense a change in me.

Several months ago I wrote that the fog was lifting. I was wrong, very very wrong. I think at that time, what was lifting was the shock and numbness of it all. I have still walked around in a fog for the past 5 months. Going about life as normal, functioning as I should, but really being like a robot and going through the motions because that was all I knew how to do to get through the day. I dont know what triggered this recent change in me, but I am happy for it.

The fog is lifting, but there are still clouds in the sky. Occasionally a ray of sunshine will filter through.

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A Day of Goings Wrong

It seems like nothing has gone right today. Everything has reminded me of Barry. EVERYTHING. And Im tired of it, I am so tired.

It started last night when I was looking at some pictures of the day after the funeral. I wanted to see what I looked like before I lost all this weight. He isnt in any of those photos, obviously, its just us Benders and my family. But as I gazed upon myself and my family, seeing us all smiling, I wondered "HOW did I do that? How was I smiling when my heart was still breaking?". I dont know how I did it then, how I put on a happy face when inside I was, and still am, broken. Even now I am astonished that I can smile. I amaze myself sometimes.

As I started crying last night at the computer, I didnt notice that Braddock had come to lay beside me. Through the tears that were clouding my vision, I happened to glance down and see the beast laying beside me. I reached out my hand and started petting his ears, and he put his head on my leg and started loving on me. And as I cried harder, all he did was love me more.

Isnt it amazing how animals just sense it? They know when you need them. I feel so sad for Braddock too, he misses Barry too, I know it.

Today I skipped MOPS because it was the Valentines day one. I know I couldnt handle talking about love and marriage, I didnt want to even put myself in that position. But I missed going, I look forward to it all the time. I just couldnt today.

Then today while I was heading out to run errands, I happened to glance at The Boys student of the week form that he had filled out.

On it he listed "My Father" as the person who he admires.

Instant tears.

I got home and I had a voice mail. But it wasnt a good one. It was the kids health insurance company calling to REMIND ME TO VACCINATE THEM AGAINST H1N1! Well heres a big FUCK YOU to Molina health care for reminding me YET AGAIN that my husband is DEAD because of H1N1. I almost wish I had been home when the call came and that it was a real person on the other end, so that I could have been an uber bitch to them.

Ive cried a lot today. I know I will cry later because I have to prepare my "Barry Presentation" for Grief Works tomorrow. I dont even know if I am going to bother writing anything down. I might take the stuff I wrote for his funeral, I just dont think I could handle writing something new. And thankfully I still have the picture board I made for the funeral, I never took that apart. I have a few mementos I will take too.

Tomorrow I will cry too. A Lot.

Why is it when I feel I am doing ok, that it hits me all again? It has been almost 4 months now, and I am starting to feel the desperation that I felt at the beginning. A feeling of being lost, of being empty, of hopelessness. I thought it was supposed to get better with time, and not worse. Seems like it will NEVER get better.

I am just filled with unmeasurable sadness.

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Happy New Year!

I intended to start this year off good, and I have done that already! Im sorry for my recent absence, the Christmas season was incredibly busy for us and full of family, and lots of fun.

Christmas turned out quite well, albeit very busy for us.  We left here early Christmas eve and got to my dads house shortly before noon, so it really only took me a few hours driving.  That day was insane! We were at my dads for a few hours, then went to my moms house for Christmas eve with my mom, step dad, brother, sister, step brother, and myself and all the kids.  Then much to my surprise, two old family friends showed up that I hadnt seen since 99 probably!!  They were best friends with my brother and sister, and I used to babysit them, plus we were all neighbors years ago.  It was a great day, and we had a ton of fun.

Christmas day was fun, but with normal family drama, and a turkey that just took forever and a day to cook.  My oldest Uncle was there, and I hadnt seen him since July of 97, so that was just a real treat to spend time with him again.  The kids took to him like glue, and we got a lot of great family photos with him and my dad, step mom and all of us kids plus my kids.  It was a really long day though, and we were exhausted by the time it was over.

Boxing day (the day after Christmas for you non-Canadians), my brother, sister and I went to my Omas house for lunch, and spent the morning with her.  She made us a pot of delicious homemade pea soup, which we all just loved.  Then it was time for my brother and I to bring my sister home, so we did so, but then got caught at the border for an hour, and didnt get home till 6PM that day.  It was just go-go-go the whole time, but we had a great time, and it was nice to reconnect with family again.  We hadnt seen my brother in a year either, because he lives so far away, so he stayed to visit with us for a couple days too.  So really, we were non-stop from Christmas eve till the 28th, a busy 5 days it was.

And then yesterday was New Years Eve!!  I remember last year I was dreading New Years Eve, it was a horrible day for me.  I didnt want to leave Barry behind in 2009, so passing into 2010 was quite hard for me.  But I really think I did OK this past year, I had a lot of ups and downs, my life completely turned around and went in so many directions I never ever imagined possible.



I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and a wonderful new years!!

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One Year Ago

Ok, lets face it.  Obviously I am in no mood to write right now, or I would have done sooner. Especially since I am leaving this to the last minute, it being 11:30 at night here in Florida.

First things first, we made it into Orlando on time and safely on wednesday morning.  We were able to check into our room early, and have been going full steam since then.  Were having a great time!  Wednesday when we got here, we went swimming in the afternoon, and then had dinner and headed to the Magic Kingdom for a few hours.  Thursday we got up early and went there all day.  We covered half of the park, and went back to the hotel.  Friday we spent at Epcot, and did most everything except Soarin and Test Track, and Club Cool.  Saturday brought us to Animal Kingdom, where we did everything again, except for the Lion King show which the kids did not want to see. And today the kids and I slept in, ate lunch, went swimming, and back to Epcot for a couple hours.  Missed all three things I mentioned above, but we will hit those up Tuesday early morning.  Tomorrow we are off to Hollywood studios!

Today I felt like a horrible wife and mother, and still feel a bit guilty.  I had plans to do a balloon release with the kids, and also light a candle for Barry that I brought a long, but I forgot to do both of them.  Weve been so busy that it completely slipped my mind. So tomorrow, albeit a day late, we will do both.  I dont think Barry would mind, because he would want, no INSIST, that we go out and have fun and not be sad.  And we are, depsite sore feet and being exhausted.

I was remarking on facebook today how different my life is no than it was a year ago.   A year ago today, I woke up in my old house, in my old bed, with a husband very much alive and ready to come home in a few days. I had no idea he would die.  Today I woke up in a strange bed, in FLORIDA, in a Walt Disney World Resort.  Never in my wildest dreams did I expect this to happen, ever. But I have to say, that NONE of this is at all possible without Barry. I  could not do it without him.  All of what we have now is possible because of him.

Ive passed the one year mark.  This year has flown by so incredibly fast.  I remember thinking to myself shortly after he died how I never thought I would get to this point.  How far away it seemed.  Yet, here I am.  Still Standing.  A few more grey hairs.  80+ lbs less on my body.  A new house, a new vehicle, MANY many new friends.  And yes, its all a little hard to stomach sometimes.  Id love to have my old life back.  I know I will never get that though, so its pointless to even dream or think about it too much because it really NEVER will happen, ever.

So now I have to start the 2nd year, and I hope it will be easier.  I was scared for today, Id been psyching myself up for it because it is such a HUGE milestone.  Perhaps life will get easier for me.  I can only wish.  I miss Barry so much sometimes, wish he was here to love, to talk to, to just be with, and laugh at stupid fart jokes.

This post may seem disjointed, I forced myself to write it.  Not realy feeling it today, which I know is my sub concious trying to avoid everything.  Im in total vacation mode and want to get back to doing that.  So with that I will end this post.  I wish I had had more to say about Barry, but I just dont want to talk about him. Not to be disrespectful or anything, but I just do not want to right now.  Im afraid it will make my vacation too sad.  I dont know....

Im starting to nod off writing this and need to hit "publish post" before midnight.  Otherwise Ill really feel like a failure if it doesnt post on the 10th.

Barry, I love you.  I miss you, and I know youre happy for us for this vacation.  Im sorry i forgot to light the candle and let the balloons go, but youd be happy knowing were off living our life instead of being too sad.  We all miss you and love you.  Ill see you in my dreams darling.  xoxoxoxop

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Florida Re Cap Part One

Well, I know everyone and their dog is dying to hear about our trip, so I will start telling you about it in a very detailed fashion haha.

Tuesday October 5th is the day we left Seattle for Orlando.  We got up that morning at our normal time, I sent the kid off to school and brought the pets to the kennel.  I felt so bad leaving them for two weeks, but it turns out, they did extremely well. Yaay!! A went to school that afternoon, while I got our carry-on bags ready and showered and got myself ready.  Kids came home and then we went and got A from school, and headed out for an early dinner at 4PM.  We were home for a couple hours before the shuttle came, and about 6:20 she called me to tell me she was on her way.  Well, guess what? E lost one of her tennis shoes.  We about had a panic attack looking for it, and I thought I was going to blow my top lol.  We found it right as our driver came, and then got on the road.  Made excellent time to the airport, and got through security.  By the way, security with 4 kids...an absolute PAIN IN THE ASS.  One thing I absolutely HATE with a passion.

Our flight didnt leave Seattle till 10:45, so we ate at Wendys, looked around the airport again and settled in at our gate.  Finally got on the plane and drugged my kid with benadryl.  It worked pretty well, they slept for a few hours or so.  I didnt get much sleep, but I did doze and sleep lightly. Finally we got into Orlando at about 7:15Am Eastern time and got on the Disney Magical Express to our resort, the Polynesian.  Our luggage wasnt due to arrive right away, so the kids and I settled into our room to wait till Disney delivered it.  Once it came, we went swimming, had lunch and tried to relax for a bit.  We hadnt slept really since the plane, and the night before in our own beds.  The kids had other plans, and we went to the Magic Kingdom the first day!! we spent a few hours the Magic Kingdom on the 6th, and our first ride was Space Mountain! Wow, I forgot how scary it was haha.  We really enjoyed our time there, and went back to the hotel later to sleep.  We had been up for almost 40 hours at that point, including the time we slept on the plane. The kids sure were troopers!

The real highlight of the day was seeing an old friend that afternoon that I hadnt seen since Barry and I lived in Germany. He was Barrys CSM while we were stationed in Germany. I knew he was in Orlando, so I told him wed be there (were face book friends), and he actually brought me some groceries.  We had fruit, water bottles, crackers, chips, granola bars, oatmeal for breakfast, and a few other things.  Angel was a lifesaver! It was so nice to see him again.  He wrote in Barrys memory book for me too, which I loved, and the kids can read when they are older.  We made plans to see him later in the week when we had more time.

October 7th was our first full day in Disney World, and we got up EARLY to be at the Magic Kingdom at 8am. There were extra magic hours! Thats where the park opens up an hour early for resort guests.  We had an awesome day!!! We did Splash Mountain, Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, all the rest of Frontier Land and then did Tomorrow Land.  We also hit up Adventure Land, which houses the Jungle Cruise, the Pirates of the Caribbean, Aladdins magic carpets etc etc.  We did a good half of the park that day.

One of the highlights from the day was after Splash Mountain, I went to look at our pictures, and was chatting with the lady behind the counter.  Mentioned to her why we were there, and she gave me our pictures for free, along with $10 worth of snacks too.  Wow.  She was such a sweetheart.  We also got to meet Princess Tiana, who is As favorite.  Seeing her face light up just made my heart smile.  I took so many pictures of that.

During one of our snack breaks, I looked across the "road" and saw a familiar face.  One of the families from the kids old school was at Disney World the same time as we were.  How funny! The mom volunteered at the school a lot, so I saw her there quite often.  She recognized me so we chatted for a bit.  Of all places, whod have thought wed see each other there?

Later that day we went swimming in the hotel pool, where I enjoyed a mango margarita pool side and the kids swam.  A did all the rides that day, we had little to no waits (Fast Pass is AMAZING), and our favorite ride was Big Thunder Mountain Railroad.  It was the perfect start to our vacation!!

more soon :)

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I Feel Cheated and Some News

Since the new year, life has really been changing a lot for the kids and I. Ive taken some drastic steps towards the future of our family, a positive future.

I decided with the money that Barry left me, I was going to purchase a home for the kids and I, and I did! I am a HOMEOWNER!!! Well, not technically...yet, but closing is March 15th. The inspection was yesterday, and I locked in my mortgage rate today! I got a great deal and my mortgage payment, with my down payment, will be only $50 more than I pay right now for rent! I am so happy about that! I will have to add in water/sewer bills, but that wont be too much more per month.

The house is beautiful, I LOVE it. Its 2200sq feet, 4 bedrooms, 2.5/3 baths, two car garage, fully fenced back yard, gorgeous gorgeous HUGE kitchen etc etc. I really love it. It is a brand new home too! move in ready!! I dont have to do any painting, all I have to do is buy new furniture and some decor items.





Back to my original point though, I feel cheated. I really really do. Why do I feel cheated? take a wild guess....because Im a widow.

At my grief support group, most of the ladies there had been married to their husbands for 50+ years. 50 Years. And me? I barely got 10. Not even 10. I got 9 years, 9 months and 11 days. That is it.

I desperately wish for, long for, and want with my whole body mind and soul, to have had that amount of time with him. I HATE that I only got 11 years of knowing him. Its just not fair!

What I am about to say, I dont admit this to many people except my three closest girlfriends. But honestly? I am so desperately afraid of being alone the rest of my life. I know its not something I need to worry about right now, but the fear that I have about this is almost crippling. One of them suggested I might be struggling with separation anxiety, and I do agree with her. And my mom said to me after Barry died, that the lack of communication would be what I have the hardest time with. And theyre all right.

I struggle daily with not being able to talk to him. You have to know, we went from HOURS of talking a day to ZERO, ZILCH, NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. And I feel lost without him, without being able to hear his voice in my ear...even when we talked about mundane things like what I was making for dinner, or chit chatting while I was in Target or Wal Mart.

This lack of communication actually causes me a LOT of anxiety. I tend to just push it from my mind, and spend lots of time on the phone with my friends to help pass the time so I dont think about the fact that Im not talking to him. When I do think about it, my heart starts to beat faster, I get a rush of adrenaline and I feel panicky.

But apart from that, other things cause me anxiety too. Just recently, within the past few weeks, when I went to the hospital for my Grief Works group, I passed by a little recess in the wall that had hand sanitizer and masks. It happened today too. I saw the masks and started to get anxious. Why you ask? Because when Barry was in the CCU, I had to wear them constantly. They made my lips and face numb. I can still feel it on my skin even now, more than 4 months after he died. I can picture my little routine of driving to the hospital, finding a parking spot...walking down the outside stairs and down the hallway to the CCU unit. Going to the bathroom before I called in and washing my hands. Picking up the phone and saying "This is Barrys wife, can I please come in?". Hearing the door latch click open, and walking down the tile floor a ways...turning right, and then walking another 5 feet through the wide double doors into the CCU Unit. The nurses station on the right, Id usually say hello, and then Barrys room off to the far left. Id grab a mask on the outside of his sliding glass door, slip the elastic over my ears, and pinch it around my nose. Id slide open the door and start saying hello to him. Id place my stuff in the chair, and go kiss him hello. Then Id sit down and do stuff in the chair, or Id stand by him and talk to him, rubbing his hands, or his feet, or just sit and talk to him as the numbness from the mask overtook my face. .

I did this every single day. Multiple times a day. Sometimes I was back and forth at the hospital three times a day...morning, afternoon, and at night after dinner. I often wouldnt come home till 11, 12PM at night sometimes. At times I miss this routine, because even if he was sick, he was still alive and I could still be with him.

I miss him. I miss him so much I cant stand it, and I hate feeling cheated!

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Valentines Day Mish Mash and A Year of Memories Feb 14th 2000

First off, life has been incredibly busy this past week, so blogging has been put on the back burner for me. And it wont be slowing down anytime soon at all, so my blogging might be sparse, at best, for who knows how long.

I dont really have much to write about for my "A Year of Memories" post today. Barry and I celebrated our first valentines day together as a couple, a married couple too, in 2000. He SPOILED me that day! I can remember most of what I got too, I was quite the lucky girl ;o) We had a DVD player at the time, but no VCR, so Barry actually went to the Power Zone (electronics store on the Army Base) and bought me a VCR and "Muppets from Space" on VHS. hahaha. We only got rid of that movie a few years back and replaced it with the DVD finally. Barry loved that movie, and quite often we would quote our favorite line from it. "The Goat?", "NO! THE REMOTE!!!" lol It makes me smile, because I can hear us doing it in my head.

I was also treated to a bottle of "Angel" perfume by Thierry Mugler, a card, and a large stuffed red Bull from TY...basically a giant beanie baby which I still have to this day. It looks brand new, and I had it on my bed last night as I slept. The perfume is long gone of course, because after I got it, I got pregnant shortly after. The scent was much too strong for me while I was pregnant, and I couldnt stand it for years after that. Recently I just bought myself another bottle as a Valentines Day present from Barry. And I love the scent now, it brings me back to him. In fact, I think it was April of 2000, Barry went on a field exercise and had me send some stuff for him with someone that was back in the rear, and was going up for a visit. I wrote him a letter, and kissed it with lipstick, and also sprayed it with "Angel". To keep the letter safe, I tucked it into a James Beard cookbook that he had also asked for. To this day, the letter still resides in the cookbook, covered in red kisses, and still faintly smelling of Angel, even 10 years later. Ill always keep it like that.

You know whats kind of funny, this past week I feel like Ive been getting messages from Barry. Just random things here and there. Perhaps it is him telling me that everything will be ok, that he is ok. I dont know what they mean, but I do believe its him.

Last night, while I was on my way home from Tacoma, I passed a Giltner truck. Barry drove for Giltner, and I have only seen them twice since he died. It makes me smile, I feel like there is a tie to him then, just even to get a glimpse of a Giltner truck. Today when the kids and I went to Ikea, I passed a VW Scirocco. For those of you who dont know what that is, obviously it is a car, but an older one. It was Barrys car when I got to Germany, and we drove it for a few months till we bought a "new to us" SUV (Suzuki JLX that we ADORED). Anyway, this car picked me up at the airport when I came to Germany, it took us to France, we drove it on our wedding day etc etc. Lots of good memories with that car. It was hideous though, just FUGLY! haha. We called it "The Rat". I havent seen one in years, and today, I just had to smile again seeing it as I drove past it. I was laughing and remembering as I pointed it out to the kids as it passed us.

And then the last one today was in the restaurant with the kids. We were given a Red Robin gift card when Barry was in the hospital, and we finally put it to use today. We enjoyed a really good meal, and as we left, I took A to the bathroom as we had a long drive home. I passed by a woman that had the name "BARRY" written on the back of her sweatshirt. Perhaps it didnt mean anything at all, but I keep getting reminders of him. That is three in less than 24 hours! I like to think of them all as friendly reminders of Barry.

I have some more exciting news to share, but that will have to be left for later! Look for a new post in a day or two!!

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Stuff I Wish I Could Share

I always loved sharing funny things that the kids did with Barry.  It always gave us a laugh to see what crazy crap they would come up with.

Our oldest daughter V, who will be 10 on the 8th of February, has really been spouting some winners lately.  This past week she had spelling homework to do, and decided to be lazy and make up all of her definitions.  This is what she did:

Obviously we ALL had a laugh, and I even posted it on facebook because it was so funny.

And then today, James and I were in As room putting some stuff up on her walls and it was Vs job to vacuum her shared room with her sister E.  V says "James, James, the vacuum is broken.  It wont turn on, we need a new vacuum.  I keep pressing the button but it wont turn on!!".  He went in and checked on her and had to pull me into my bedroom barely able to contain his laughter as he told me what she was doing.

She hadnt plugged it in.

Thats V for you though, she is SUCH a blonde! Barry and I would always laugh about the stupid stuff she would do.  I wish I could share this stuff with him though, because I can see him in my head reacting the way he always did. Laughing and sighing at the same time.  He would have gotten a kick out of it.

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A Year Of Memories January 29th 2000

I just got back from the gym a little while ago. I realized while I was there that today was January 29th. I dont want to write today at all. But I have to keep up with my "A year of Memories" posts, right? I made a commitment to it, so I should stick with it. Sorry if my writing today is jumbled, un-flowy and all that crap, I just dont feel like remembering today.

When Barry and I were married, we had a very very small wedding. Only a few people were in attendance, and we didnt have much of a reception. If you want to count the Brauhaus, then well count that, but that memory will come later this year.

Sometime in January 2000, Denise Pledger, the wife of one of Barrys Sgts, offered to host a reception of some sorts for us at her house. They held it on our one month anniversary. I dont even really remember who came to it! I know for sure it was us, The Pledgers, Sgt Mac and a few others. I really couldnt tell you though.

We had lots of good food, I do remember that. I had this cookbook that my mom had bought me years before that, a Hershey Cookbook that I still have to this day, and it had a fantastic chocolate mousse recipe in it. Barry and I made that for the party, and prepared it in our room in the barracks.

We had the ironing board set up b/c we had no counter space, so there he was, mixing up chocolate mousse on an ironing board in the barracks. It cracks me up to this day, I can still picture it in my mind, seeing him there with the mixer in his hand.

At the party, the only gift I really remember getting was some baking dishes from Sgt Bravo, she was Barrys squad Sgt, and a Blender from Sgt Mac. I still had that blender years later, in fact, I think I only got rid of it a couple years ago because it finally died or something. I have a funny story about that blender though, that I will have to share later. And that blender also made all of our baby food for all 4 kids, it served us well for a very long time.

That is all I remember about that night, our post-wedding wedding-reception. It was a fun night though.

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A Year Of Memories January 17th 1999

If youve been reading regularly, youll know that I have decided to do "A Year Of Memories" post on every significant day during our marriage and courtship.

I feel like with todays blog post I am backtracking somewhat in mine and Barrys relationship, as it was not the first significant day in our history, but rather the 2nd. However, that first day will have to come December 18th of this year, so be patient for that! lol

By January 17th of 1999, Barry and I had been chatting quite often through email and yahoo. He had sent me an email before asking if we could talk on the phone. I could probably dig through my old emails, which I did save, and find the exact one that he mentioned talking on the phone, but for now my memories will have to do. He told me that he wouldnt spend a lot of money on a phone card, but that he just wanted to hear my voice. So I gave him my phone # and waited....

That day was Super Bowl Sunday. I cant believe it was 11 years ago!

The phone rang at about 9:20AM PST, and I was in the living room at my dads house. I dont remember what I was doing, what I was wearing. I remember nothing of that day but waiting for the phone to ring. And then it did, coming all the way from Germany, from a hallway in the barracks which I would eventually call home less than a year later....

The first thought I remember was how sexy I thought his voice was. I remember writing in my journal how much I LOVED it. I was STOKED that he had an accent. I remember laughing a lot. And I remember just being so excited that I finally got to hear his voice. And I remember just beaming while he talked, just being able to hear him speak.

And unfortunately that is all I remember. But it was such a good day, and always stuck out in my head.

Im sorry I dont have much more of an exciting memory to share with you all, but it was an important one to me. The next day will be February 8th, the day our first two babies were born.

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A Year of Memories February 24th 1999

I am reluctantly writing tonight. My heart just isnt into it, but I committed to writing all the "A Year of Memories" posts, so I cant go back on it now.

I dont even remember much about this day at all. I couldnt tell you what time of day it was, what I was wearing, or anything else about that day. All I remember is being in a private yahoo chat with Barry. This was before we had even met in person! We had known each other for only two months, and had been talking online and over the phone for those past couple months. I dont remember the conversation either....all I remember are the four words that I saw typed on the screen.

"Will you marry me?"

Of course my answer was a resounding YES!!!

We were stupid kids...really, who proposes in a yahoo chat room? We chuckled about it over the years. That was not the last time Barry proposed to me though, and that last time almost didnt happen. I will share that memory in April actually, as that is when Barry broke my heart.

Im still working on my "I can do it by Myself" post, but havent had much time to really develop it and think it through. Its in the works though, and will be coming soon. Life has not allowed much down time, and when I do get downtime, I just sit like a bum and do nothing because I am always go go go during the day. I am hoping things settle down sometime soon, but I have a feeling they wont be until after we move.

Speaking of moving, my furniture shopping is coming along quite nicely! I have amassed a beautiful living room set, my bedroom set, my formal living room set, a TV stand and a shelving unit that I absolutely fell in love with. All that is left to buy for furniture is the older two girls bedroom set, mattresses for them and myself, a new computer desk, and some bar stools. Oh, and a Piano. Today I purchased the shelving unit and the TV stand, and we will do probably the rest of it on Saturday morning. I would love to show pictures, but I am going to wait until everything is all put together and unpacked.

Moving is projected for Easter weekend! or the weekend before, not quite sure yet.

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A Year Of Memories

I have trouble blogging about Barry sometimes. I dont like to remember when I can help it, but sometimes I just need to do it. Honestly its just easier to go through each day and not think about him.

Its how I cope. I just forget most of the time.

So I had this idea to remember him this year. I thought that on every single special event, or day that is significant, I would post a memory of that day. Talk about why it is important, tell you all about my memory of that day, and share my feelings on it.

The first one that will be coming up is January 17th. Ill leave it at that. It was a really important day to me 11 years ago. After that comes the twins birthdays, then a day at the end of February. Then his birthday in March, As birthday in March, a day in April, etc etc. Most of these days are significant from the first year we knew each other, but other days have had special meaning throughout our marriage and our life together. Some months will have quite a few days of memories, and others will have only one if that. And if that month doesnt have a special day, then I will write about something that actually happened during that month sometime during our marriage.

Im looking forward to sharing with you all. It will give you all a glimpse into our lives and our past, while still allowing me to remember and grieve, and laugh, cry, be happy and sad all at the same time.

Look for the first "A Year of Memories" post on January 17th.

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