Jumat, 19 Februari 2016

Dearest Barry,

Today is your 31st Birthday.  How I wish you were here to celebrate with us, because you see, today is also a very special day for other reasons; Were having As 5th birthday party today.  Ive done this for two birthdays now, as last year we also had her party on your birthday.  I cant believe she will be 5 on Monday.  Did you know that after you died, I was leaving the hospital with Lisa and I saw a couple come up from Labor and Delivery with a brand new baby.  I remarked to Lisa that the last time I left that hospital with you was when A was born, and that now I was leaving without you for good.  I felt so incredibly heartbroken in that moment; seeing a husband and wife with their brand new baby girl.

I cant believe you are 31 today.  We met when we were 18!! That seems like a lifetime ago, doesnt it? This year would have been our 12th anniversary.  I cant even fathom that anymore, it seems surreal to me, like a dream.  Yesterday when I was baking As cupcakes, I thought about you because I was making chocolate cupcakes.  Chocolate was always your favorite flavor, and I had half a mind to go buy two more cake mixes and make a giant 13x9" double layer cake like you always would.  And I wanted to cover it in copious amounts of chocolate icing.  I wish I could do that for you.  Instead I made 36 Toy Story 3 Cupcakes.

I dont know what to say, what to write to you right now. Writing to you is cathartic, but I cant do it too often.  That is such a huge change from when we were engaged though, Id send you pages and pages of letters..and now I struggle to find the words.  Theyre evading me.

What I do want to tell you is thank you for giving me four awesome children.  Thank you for making me a mommy.  I want to tell you that especially because our baby will be 5 tomorrow.  You are missing so many important milestones already.  She is such a character Barry...she would have you cracking up like crazy.  She is a total goof ball, she still dresses all crazy like and in wild clothing combinations.  She tells jokes all the time, she dances, she sings, she looks like you in some of the pictures of you at age 5 making the same silly faces.  She is her fathers daughter in every way.  I cant believe she will be starting kindergarten in September.

Why cant you be here for that? Why did you have to leave us? Why did you have to leave the kids without their daddy? Me without a husband? Why did you have to fuck up our lives so bad? I know its not your fault, but Im very upset right now thinking that OUR daughter was just a baby when you died and now she wont hardly remember you.  Shes starting kindergarten in 6 months and another man will be there for her first day, and NOT you.  Its not fair, NOT at all.  I want you to be here to see them grow up, see her grow up...to see them turn 13, learn how to drive, graduate high school, university..get married, have babies. I want you to be there to see OUR grandchildren.  And you wont be.  That makes me so mad and angry and sad.

With that, Im going to end this.  Its time to get ready for the birthday party, and I have lots of stuff to do yet. I love you Barry.  Happy Happy Birthday!! Well be thinking about you all day today.  We miss you and love you so much.

Forever and always,

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