Selasa, 09 Februari 2016

Thinking about him is painful.

Ive told other people Im fine with doing the day to day stuff without him because that is what were used to. Because he was gone for weeks at a time, and we mostly spoke on the phone, so I had to manage everything here on my end...but with his help.

If I keep busy, I dont think. I dont want to think. I dont want the edges of the pain to slowly peel away, revealing what is really going on in there, because it hurts too much. And when I dont think, I feel OK. Still incredibly sad, but at least I am not thinking about him every. single. minute.

Is that wrong of me? There is no right or wrong way to grieve, I know that. But I feel guilty for not wanting to think about him. But its the only way I know how to cope! I just cant handle those sneaky little thoughts. Im denying myself the right to think about him, because I am afraid to cry, afraid to feel sad, afraid that I will become a sobbing mess and distraught all over again.

I wish I knew if it was ok to do this, I dont know if I should, or if by denying myself the pain, that I am only prolonging my grieving. I still am grieving, but I avoid like the plague, the things that cause me the most sadness.

My husband was a HUGE, HUGE, fan of Opie and Anthony, a talk radio show on XM. He listened to them every. single. day. All the time, he was even somewhat obsessive with it, lol. On Saturday nights, they had another show on that channel called Weird Medicine hosted by Dr Steve. They did segments on Truckers, and Barry was supposed to be a regular contributor. On September 19th, he was on the show talking, and Dr Steve gave me the link to the show. Last night I listened to it and recorded Barry talking.

That was such a huge, big, incredibly stupid, mistake on my part. I cried so hard hearing his voice. I dont want to hear his voice, but I wanted to save the clip for posterity, so the kids could hear his voice down the road.

I dont think about him too much, I prefer to occupy my time with other stuff, but its hard not to let that little sliver of Barry slip into my head, and then the waterworks start. When he died, I had this intense need to write down everything he told me. EVERYTHING. but then I started blogging, and I havent wanted to do that. I just dont want to think about him. But how can I not?

So what do I do? Do I close my mind to thoughts of him? Or do I think about him constantly until Im emotionally and physically exhausted? Is it wrong of me to not want to think of him, or is it completely normal? I dont want the kids to think I dont love their dad, that I dont miss him, that I dont want to talk about him, but its so fucking hard to do that. I cant even look at his pictures. They can, but I just CANT. I dont want them to get the wrong impression, that Im not grieving, but I have to be strong for them.

Am I doing him a disservice by not thinking of him? by avoiding him? I love him so much that my heart feels like it is splitting apart because I am so sad. I really dont know HOW I can go on and do this without him. I dont feel like it will EVER get better. Yeah, its only been two weeks, but I just dont know how I will ever feel happy again. How I will ever get over this pain, this feeling of drowning and desperation.

Im just so confused!

Related Posts by Categories

0 komentar:

Posting Komentar