Dear Barry and A Year Of Memories

I guess April was just too much of a crazy month for me, because I forgot a couple A year of Memories posts. The day in question was April 8th, 1999, but I wont be writing about it after all because it wasnt a very good memory for Barry and I. After the years had passed, we always laughed about it, but Id still rather not write about it. And with that....

Dearest Barry,

Today was May 1st. You know what that means!!!

We missed you so much this weekend. Friday night the kids and I had cake, like we always do on April 30th ;-), and a special dinner. Maybe not super special this year, but the kids wanted pizza, so I picked up our favorite frozen DiGiornos, and a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting (because that has always been your favorite) for dessert. Before we ate, I dug out the black candles and lit the big black pillar for you, and placed it in the middle of the table. As we ate, I had all of us go around and say a special memory we had of you. Mine was how you laughed like a little girl, and the kids also mentioned how you stank up the bathroom, snored all the time and farted a lot. Leave it to our kids to remember that stuff, lol. We all had a good laugh at that. A refused to talk, as always. I also read to the kids a bit about the history of this weekend!

This morning we woke up to a breakfast of orange breakfast rolls with icing, and chocolate milk. It was fabulous! We got ready, and then headed out to North West Trek. Do you remember how you and I were planning on going for Es birthday in October? You really wanted to go see the Cats! :) The kids and I had been talking about what to do for this weekend for months, and it was their idea to go to NWT because we knew you had wanted to. So we did that today, and celebrated the day just as we would had you been there! It was our tribute to you, darling, because you couldnt be there in person.

We spent all day there, and I got so many pictures. I am quite positive you knew we were going, because ALL the animals were out, and I got so many pictures. I took over 450 pictures today! So many of the cats too. Oh, they were gorgeous Barry, you would have loved them! We spent a long time at the Cougar enclosure :)

Our plan was to eat at KFC for dinner, but the kids wanted Subway! On our way home, we picked it up and ate at home, ending our special day. I will be continuing this tradition with the kids for as long as is possible...forever I think, and we will always be doing something fun, as because of you, this tradition started.

Tonight after dinner, I made this stupid mistake of reading your twitter page. I resembled a raccoon by the time I was done, as I was sobbing uncontrollably. I MISS YOU. Oh how I miss you darling. It was so neat to see your tweets though, to see your witty self coming through those words on the screen, but it only made me feel worse. I dont think Ill be reading it for awhile again though. What really made me cry though, was reading your tweets when you were sick, saying you had a killer immune system etc etc. And then your very last one, saying you were in the hospital with pneumonia, ending it with an FML. You didnt know, did you? sigh. I wish we could turn back the clock and pause forever in August and early September. If only we could, right?

Well my dear, Doctor Who is on and I have to go. You know how that is ;-) I love you and adore you, and miss you so much. Ill see you in my dreams, I hope.

Love forever and always,

Me

xoxoxoxp

p.s. As I was reading your tweets, I found the one you wrote to me last summer about Hades licking the blinds strings in the old house. And guess what? He does it here too! LOL I had to laugh the other day when I saw him doing that. Crazy cat!!

*************

Every year from April 30th-May 1st, we have a family day. If May 1st even falls on a school day, the kids are taken out of school. It doesnt matter, that is the protocol for our family. That is how important this day is to us. Every year we do something fun, and last year we went to Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle. Last year too, we were behind schedule, same as today! haha Guess that has also become tradition :)

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The Single Ladys Definitive Guide to Surviving Valentines Day on a Diet

Hey single ladies! Countdown to V Day... The stores are dawned with heart shaped boxes, fluffy teddy bears, and roses...and youre single. Ughhh....

I know what youre thinking, "Its just another day, Ill be fine. Im amazing, and I LOVE single life." Thats all probably true, especially the part about you being amazing... but lets be real, Valentines Day sucks when youre single. And if youre trying to diet on Valentines day WHILE being single...Lord have mercy. Maybe you have incredibly strong will power, and if thats case then this blog isnt for you. This blog is for the single ladies with a chocolate addiction and enough bad breakups to inspire a season of Gilmore Girls.

 Ive spent 21 of my 22 years of life as a single person on this holiday, and while Im all for empowering women, not needing a significant other to be happy, and learning to enjoy life as a single adult, every Valentines day, since the age of 17, made me want to stuff my face with all the tiny, mysterious, assorted chocolates in the world. Its the one day I feel like I can justify wallowing in self pity and single-ness.

Back at my heaviest weight of 285, I remember being so excited for Valentines Day to be over  because that meant all those Valentines Day cakes and candies were going on clearance the next day. Cheapest binge of the year. Then I started my weight loss journey; my Valentines ritual of overeating was no longer an option. I had to learn how to survive Singles Awareness Day without smothering my emotions in food.

As a "Single on Valentines Day Dieting Veteran," here are my tips for sticking with your diet:

Stay Busy

The best way to cope with Valentines Day is staying so busy you dont have time to notice all the cutesy PDA of couples out and about on the dates. Stay home and start a Pinterest project, open up an new book to read, take a bubble bath, give yourself a mani, pedi, or immerse yourself in work. Be so incredibly productive that you dont have time to think about being single, or wanting junk food.

Hello Fresh Fruit

Today, fresh fruit is your date. Cut up strawberries, cover them in Trulicious stevia and eat them all through the day. It will taste indulgent, but you wont need to feel guilty for enjoying this treat. If you get to the point where you are feeling like you need to eat more sweets, choose fruit (its better to have fruit, even if its not on your diet paln, than chocolate). Raspberries and bananas also taste incredible topped with stevia. 

Avoid the Sappy Movies & Love Songs, Maybe Even Facebook

As much as you want to listen to Drake and Lana Del Rey as you help yourself to a double chocolate sheet cake, dont. Dont listen to anything that is going to make you feel bad about being single. Avoid Sleepless in Seattle, avoid How Harry Met Sally because these movies are just going to make you feel all weird inside. Watch that documentary on the fast food industry that youve been seeing on Netflix. Oh and Facebook.... yeah, avoid that too. It will be littered with, "omg. best. boyfriend ever. thanks for the flowers boo. #Love #VDay #BooThang #LoveHim #Roses #Spoiled #TrueLove #SuckItSingleGirlReadingThis."  

Hit the Gym

Crushing a tough workout is the ultimate feeling of empowerment. Even better than that, you dont even have to change out of your sweat pants to do it. Throw on some Nikes, hit the treadmill and run until you feel like the hottest girl in the gym. If youre on Phase 2 of the HCG Diet, you can still do this, just remember that you may need to have an extra serving of protein before and after your workout. 

Dont be too Hard on Yourself

Do your best to stick to your healthy goals, but if you slip up, its not the end of the world. Get back on track. Whatever happens, youre not a failure. You really are amazing, and while it may be hard to believe on a day like Valentines Day, you dont need anyone else to make you happy. If love is meant to be youll find it when you are meant to. Who knows, maybe the person who will be your future soul mate is also sitting home alone thinking about when theyll finally meet you. 

Steer Clear of the Candy Aisle

This one is pretty straight forward. If an alcoholic steps into a bar while upset, its a relapse waiting to happen, just like if you hit up the bakery on your diet, youre bound to leave with a fresh cannoli. If youre committed to sticking to your diet this Valentines Day, dont go near junk food. A chocolate-less Valentines Day doesnt seem very festive, I realize, but youll feel much better about yourself the next day having stuck to your diet. 

Send Yourself Flowers

Super lame, right? Wrong. No one has to know you sent them to yourself. For all they know you have a
secret admirer. Plus, even when you buy them yourself, they still make you smile when they show up at the door. :)

Girl, youve got this. Its just another day and youll be too busy working out, painting your nails and eating deliciously sweet strawberries to even think twice about being single. 

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Should I Allow Myself a Cheat Meal

If youve been sticking to a strict diet for a long period of time, you might be toying with the idea of taking a

day off. In the health and wellness world, this is commonly referred to as having a cheat meal or a free meal. There are benefits to having cheat meals. Mentally, cheat meals are a good break. Cheat meals can also help you develop healthier attitudes towards food by showing you that one bad meal wont completely destroy your progress. Before you jump off your routine and into a day of indulgence, you should know that cheat meals arent for everyone. Heres what you need to know about cheat meals.

What is a Cheat Meal

When we think of cheat meals, we typically thinking of indulging in foods that we normally wouldnt eat. But theres more to a cheat meal than eating whatever you want. A cheat meal needs to be three things: planned, portioned, and practical.

Planned - Cheat meals dont happen because you accidentally messed up. Cheat meals are meals you planned for and have looked forward to. Planning you cheat meals ahead of time gives you something to look forward to.

Portioned - While cheat meals are an opportunity to eat foods that you normally wouldnt, they arent an excuse to binge. Dont eat a whole bag of chips, eat a small bowl full. Dont eat multiple full-size entrees, pick a sampler and have a little bit of everything. You can still enjoy yourself without over eating.

Practical - You should go into a cheat meal knowing your restrictions and knowing that it might be tough getting back on track the next day. Allowing yourself a cheat meal isnt permission to eat everything youve been craving all at once. Cheat meals are only successful if you understand that it is a temporary break from thinking about your diet regimen. That break ends as soon as your cheat meal does.

Should You Allow Yourself a Cheat Meal?

So how do you know if a cheat day is for you? Well that depends on how you answer the next question: Are you a binge eater? If you answered no, then you definitely should give the cheat meal a try if you are trying to vary your eating program. Many people follow the 80/20 rule. Which means that they stick to their program 80 percent of the time and then the other 20 percent they allow themselves to eat more liberally. So to put this in perspective, if you eat 3 meals per day, 21 meals per week, you should be eating 17 of those meals following your program, and allow yourself 4 meals of food you dont normally eat. 

 Now, if you answered yes to my earlier question about binge eating, then I recommend being extremely careful before you let yourself have a cheat day. If you have a hard time controlling your portions when you have a free day, or if having more options is a trigger for binge eating, cheat meals will not be in the best interest of your or your program. One cheat meal wont set you back, but if having a cheat meal triggers a 3 day binge, it will set you back and its not worth it. Recovering from a binge takes a lot out of you mentally and emotionally. If your past experiences with food have left you feeling out of control or a little bit crazy for food, youll want to stick to your routine as much as possible. 

Ultimately the decisions of having a cheat meal is up to you. From personal experience I know that one cheat meal usually turns into a binge, Thats the type of eater I am. I have a hard time eating indulgent foods in limited quantities. Being able to recognize that helps me realize that I will be successful doing the things that help me feel focused and in control.

Do you allow yourself cheat meals? 

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Im Thankful Im not a Quitter

November is the month of giving thanks, and while I try to give thanks regularly for the wonderful things in my life, I want to post a special blog on the topic. I am blessed to have a job, an apartment, a car, my health, an amazing family. I am blessed to be in school, to have talents, and to have so many people who support me while I chase my dreams. Not a day goes by that I dont realize how blessed I am.

But theres something else Im very thankful for this week, something I dont always recognize. Its not a person, a place or a thing. Its a personality trait of mine. Its the reason I have done all that Ive done. Its the reason I am who I am. This week, I am especially thankful that Im not a quitter.

7 days into starting the HCG Diet I was down 6.6 pounds! Wooohoo. I was so excited, but I knew that I was about to hit a road bump.... Let me explain: I am blessed to have a boyfriend who takes me for who I am and makes me feel beautiful despite what the scale says. Before starting this round of the diet, he made me promise for his birthday I would eat whatever I wanted. So Monday I knew I was going to have a cheat meal when my boyfriends parents took us out for his birthday dinner. Then I knew Wednesday was his birthday dinner with friends. Same request, "Eat what you want."

So today I weighed in, knowing I was going to be up, I saw I gained 3.6 pounds back. A little discouraging, but not surprising. I stepped off the scale, my never-quit personality wiped away the feeling of discouragement. I took a breath and thought, "So what? Today is a new day. The birthday celebrations are over, and I dont need to rush."

Ive had to remind myself of that quite frequently through my journey, "Dont rush." It is so easy to get down on yourself and be negative about your body. If there is one thing I want everyone to know its this: Your body is amazing because it functions and youre alive. Stop hating it and just try your very best to take care of it. The weight will come off if you just stay focused, take your time and most of all stay positive. You will mess up, mostly because youre human and it takes time to break habits that were formed from emotional eating, but you can ALWAYS try again. There may be things in life youve given up on, like wearing your hair in a bob (flashback to kids calling me mushroom head in 8th grade), or trying to keep your dog from barking at the mailman, but never EVER give up on your health.

So heres to me and my journey, heres to starting fresh today and getting back on track. Heres to you and your beautiful life. Go live it the best way you know how, and dont forget to be grateful for every second of it.

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4 Mistakes that could be Ruining your HCG Diet

This isnt your first rendezvous for the HCG Diet. You know what youre doing. But for some reason, every once in awhile your weight loss seems to slow or stall. And that is frustrating, even for an HCG Diet veterans like you and me.

 We like to think we know what were doing, weve read Pounds and Inches, weve gone through every page of the guidebook, and maybe even got our hands on Lose 50 Pounds Guaranteed, but somehow even us veteran HCG Dieters miss details that could be slowing down our weight loss. 

Here are 4 things that may be ruining your HCG Diet:

Not Measuring
OK, lets be honest after our second or third week on the diet we lose interest in measuring everything we eat, at least I did. However, trust me when I say you need to measure, no matter what. The thing is, we think we know what 3.5 ounces of meat looks like but its easy to add an extra ounce and sometimes even two. Those extra ounces add up to extra calories and they can be slowing down your weight loss. So do it a night ahead or pack a food scale in your purse. This is one fine detail that when skipped adds up over time.

Over Compensating
Have you ever eaten something you were supposed to and thought, "I can fix this, Ill just do a Cali Kicker, some sit-ups, take green coffee, go for a walk, take my appetite control, and cut back on dinner." Im guilty of that train of thought. But you dont need to freak out like that. Just get back on track at your next meal and let your body correct the problem itself. If you do too many quick fixes at once youll confuse your body and the problem will only get worse.

Deviating from Protocol

I went through this phase where I was eating banana peppers because they are low-calorie and didnt have any oil, but the thing is they arent on the original protocol for a reason and that reason is sodium. There are also a lot of other things that seem like theyd be fine but they arent. For instance certain fruits like mango and watermelon are too high in sugar for the diet and can slow you down. Even unlisted veggies can cause problems. So simply put, if its not on the approved foods list... dont eat it.

Skipping Calories

Toward the end of Phase 2, I have a hard time getting all of my 500 calories in. I know that sounds crazy because Im not eating very much as it is, but the appetite suppressant in HCG Triumph drops is pretty powerful. So its tempting to skip out on your fruit or veggies, but then your body (even though it doesnt feel hungry) goes into starvation mode and you stop losing weight. Eat all of the food youre suppose to eat.

And for those of you who arent quite HCG vets, you may not have slipped into these bad habits yet, and thats good news. So take notes and make sure you never start. :) 

Are you guilty of any of the above diet blunders? What other bad habits have you found slow down your weight loss?

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3 Week Diet Review 2015 – Does It Really Work

The 3 week diet plan is a science-based weight loss program that guarantees a user to lose 12-23 lbs. of body weight in only 21 days. The primary creator of this unique weight-reduction program is Brian Flatt who is a sports nutritionist, head coach and personal trainer and has worked for many years in his specialised area. He has taught several of his followers to effectively lose stubborn fat and also build powerful muscle. The 3 Week Diet Plan is a special online 95-page ebook divided into many segments such as exercise, diet, motivation, mind-set and will power. Some of these segments include the following:

1. The Introduction Manual – This manual is composed of 43 pages and it contains usual information and know-how about the different weight-loss methods and factors.
2. Diet Manual – The diet manual is comprised of 22 pages and explains about the 4 phases of the complete diet Program and some useful tips for fast results.
3. Workout Manual – This segment of the guide is made from 17 pages in total. As the name suggests, this manual describes about the significance of full body workout. It lays down specific instructions and rules of carrying out exercises for weight loss such as walk, warm ups, and consistency. Some other effective workouts like the goblet squat, ab blasters and bent-over row are explained in this segment of the guide.
4. Mindset and Motivation Manual – This segment consists of 13 pages and includes important tips to strengthen your will power, create a new mindset to lose weight effectively and keep a track of those initiatives.

What is 3 Week Diet System?

The 3 week Diet is a unique dietary plan made for all those users who are serious about losing stubborn fat through changes in their diet. It is a 96 page guide created by its creator Brian Flatt who says that the users can lose 10-20 pounds of body weight in just three weeks or so. It is not a very strict dieting regime that is not too time consuming or very difficult to follow. Brian Flatt is a famous sports nutritionist and health coach who created the three week diet plan after 12 years of research. Several users have tried this scientifically proven weight loss system and have reaped sweet benefits out of it.

Brian Flatt has a degree in biology from San Diego State University and he has been in the fitness industry since the 90’s. Brian is the owner of Rev Fitness that is based in Southern California. Getting started with the three Week Diet System is very simple. All you need to do is to make the payment online to the official website of this system and begin downloading the manuals and related material. First, calculate your personalized diet schedule according to your body requirements. Next, go through all the four user manuals and create a full nutrition and workout plan for yourself. Finally, begin the program in a step-by-step and strict manner from the next day onwards.

The main idea behind this special diet plan is to make the body store the fat already present for energy requirements. After this occurs, the body enters the starvation mode and will start burning the stored fat to fuel heart, liver and other important organs. The three week diet plan is extremely safe and scientifically proved program and is guaranteed to work on every man and women. The users who have tried this diet plan have experienced positive results and successfully lost 10-20 lbs. of unwanted body weight. Brian Flatts has divided this guide into four main parts to clearly explain its concept.

In his guide, the author has mentioned about the various weight loss tips in detail. For example, the nutrition and dietary plans, improving metabolism to burn fat faster and specific weight loss tips. If the user is really serious about losing unwanted body weight then it is essential to follow the four phases of weight training as given by Brian himself. The details about these phases are shared below:

Phase #1 – Detoxification

The first phase is meant for those people (men and women) who wish to rid the stubborn body fat quickly. Users can lose a lot of weight by following the given instructions in this phase. People have even lost 10-15 lbs. after this phase. The main objective of this phase is to cleanse the body through the process of detoxification.

It majorly focuses on the liver as it is a fat pumping organ. Brian Flatt recommends taking a lot of vitamins A, D and C that help to detoxify body organs especially the liver, increase sensitivity of insulin and improve the adrenal function of fat burning in your body. A total of 17 vegetables and 6 sources of protein are allowed in this diet plan and the users need to follow this phase for seven days before they can move to the next one.

Phase #2 – 24 hrs Fasting

After finishing the first phase, the user would move on to the next phase which is 24 hours fasting. The user needs to start his fasting from the last meal of the seventh day till dinner on the eight day. Fasting is a good natural process to burn fat. It detoxifies your liver and other organs and maintains a fat burning environment. On the dinner on the 8th day, user has the freedom to eat whatever he likes but must try to maintain carbohydrates level in check.

Phase #3 – Fat Fast

The third phase or the Fat fast phase means what it says that is it does make the body lose fat through fast and scientifically proven methods. This phase commences on the 9th, 10th and 11th days and the efficiency of liver is properly checked in this phase. In this phase, the body keeps burning the stored fat from the belly and hips region.

After the two earlier phases, the body starts to crave for fat and it is important to note that it does require some amounts of fat as essential. After the regular limit of consuming calories from fat, the body signals the liver to start consuming fat for energy requirements from the muscles. Therefore, it is necessary to provide some quantities of fat to the body.

Phase #4 – Your Unique BMR

This is the last phase that continues from day 12-21. In this 9-day phase, users are allowed to consume limited amounts of calories based upon their unique BMR and weight loss objectives. There are 2 main steps as prescribed by Brian. In the first phase, the user needs to determine his or her BMR and in the second phase the user needs to know how much calorie they need to take based on their unique BMR. By following this method precisely the users would be able to achieve the desired lean look which they want or a smart six-pack abs whichever they like.

3 Week Diet Pros:

Here are the main advantages of the 3 week diet plan as given by Brian Flatts:

• The Three Week Diet is ideal for busy people – Brian invented this unique program for very busy people that do not find spare time to devote to their health and diet. The three week diet review program only asks for 20-30 minutes of light exercising for 3 days in a week which is not that difficult.
• Three week diet program is a well-recognized and scientifically proven method to burn fat from your body. A good feature of this plan is that Brian Flatts has tested his latest program on himself first and then revealed it to the users. Therefore, it is safe to try and is guaranteed to work.
• Three week diet plan is a fast-action and result-oriented weight loss program unlike the many others. The notion that only slow weight loss is Safe and Healthy is not true at all. Most people are not focused and motivated to lose weight and this is why don’t achieve the results through other diet plans. But, the 3-week diet plan guarantees to work on your body fat in just 21 days, if you promise to abide by all instructions and tips.
• It has a 60-day full money back guarantee so the user should feel assured and confident in using it.
• Besides, Brian Flatt is a renowned health expert since many years and has received much positive feedback from consumers all over the world.

3 Week Diet Cons:

As we know that no diet plan made till now is perfect in all sense. Same is with the 3 week diet plan. Its main disadvantages are:

• The three week diet plan is available in digital form only and can be downloaded via the Internet from its official website only.
• The three week diet plan does make light exercising mandatory for the users along with strict adherence to diet plans.
• It makes the user spend a bit extra in the form of supplements and other substances.
• The program is available only in a soft copy form, hard copy form is unavailable.
• Some of the users have complained that the topics could have been elaborated more that would have made it easier to understand.

3 Week Diet : Conclusion

3 week diet system doesn’t cost much (its $47) to own. On top of it, there is a full 60-day money back guarantee for the users and those who aren’t satisfied with the product can demand a full refund. The online guide which is downloadable from the official site comes in the pdf format.

Therefore, users don’t have anything to lose in trying this excellent program. The creator of this wonderful weight loss online guide is Brian Flatt, who is a health and nutrition expert since the past many years and has received positive feedback from many users. The best thing about the 3 Week Diet Review plan is that it is guaranteed to work on every man and woman regardless of their age, ethnicity or body shape. I will highly recommend it to every person looking to lose weight in a safe and natural way.

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Im Fallin To Pieces

This is how I feel.

"Im still alive, but Im barely breathing...when a heart breaks, no it dont break even. Im fallin to pieces, Im fallin to pieces...what am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?"

Today I was reading through my status updates back from October, through to now, and just sat at my computer sobbing, my shoulders shaking as I cried into my hands. Big crocodile tears running down my cheeks and onto my t-shirt.

I miss Barry. I miss him so much. I feel like the grief hits me at the most random times, when I least expect it to. And Im LONELY. so so so lonely.

I wonder if my forgetting is just not a good thing. Probably not, right? I need to see a counselor, and badly. I just havent had the time to make the phone call to look around. I did call the chaplain at the hospital to see if they could give me any recommendations, but I havent heard back from them yet.

Most of all I am having trouble dealing with the reality of the situation. I thought I had dealt with it, but I dont think I have. Sure I dont get to talk to Barry on the phone all the time, and Im starting to forget what that was even like. And its only been 3 months. Most of all I miss the companionship. Having someone there to listen to me, to talk to me, to love me, and just be there with me.

So I just push the pain aside, go through my day to day life, and try to find other avenues for my loneliness. Yesterday afternoon I took my youngest daughter to the lake near our house, and shot some awesome pics of the Capitol building. Some were so awesome that I am going to frame them and put them in my new house! I dont know what else to do to combat the loneliness though. The gym is helping, I go as often as I can, 3-4 times a week for an hour or two. I talk on the phone to my friends, which helps somewhat. Or I just spend time aimlessly looking at the computer, and do nothing. Ive been meaning to break open my sewing machine, but I dont want to set it up until I have a house.

******

I stepped away from the computer for an hour while I was writing this and lost my train of thought. Ill try to continue it later. Sometimes I find it difficult to get back into the groove if Ive stepped away.

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A Forgotten Milestone Day

Ive noticed that the last few days Ive been exceptionally cranky.

My attitude has been really crappy, Ive been snapping at the kids, I have a very short fuse. And Im just feeling under the weather.

But I couldnt put my finger on it, and today at MOPS a light bulb went off. I was talking to a friend there who asked how I was doing and I said I was OK, but it really comes and goes. I happened to glance down at my watch to check the time/date, and then it hit me.

December 15th. It was December 15th.

Exactly 10 years ago today I arrived in Germany to marry Barry. I left Edmonton, AB the night of the 14th, and arrived in Germany at 10:40 local time. And thus began the next 10 years of my life. We were married two weeks later.

Isnt it interesting how you forget days like this sometimes? And then it just hits you, and you realize that it affects you so much more than you realize. And the effects can last a few days even, as your body slowly recovers.

My appetite has been affected, as have been my moods. I was just exhausted this afternoon, and almost fell asleep on the couch. I had a headache as well, and a sore back.

Can I just sleep through till the middle of March so I can bypass all the sad days?

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Two Years Ago I Became A Widow

In Loving Memory

March 6th 1980-October 10th 2009

I will forever love you and keep you in my heart.

Im finally getting around to writing this last post.  I just didnt want to write it at all.  I dont feel like I have anything I need to say to Barry...I think Ive said it all a million times over over these last two years.  The time has come to say goodbye to this blog, and continue with my new one. Thank you to everyone for being such wonderful readers, and supporting me even if you didnt comment.  This blog has been such a big part of my life for over 3 years, and even more so now because it has become my outlet for my grieving.  I am ready to move on, so please come with me as I continue this journey.    If you email me then I will reply to you and give you my new blog address.  I post on there much more regularly than this one.  I have to say, I am a little sad to close this chapter in my life, but I am ready, and it is time.  

I will miss this blog and all of you.

Much love,

Joanna  

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I CAN Do It MYSELF

I know Ive been promising this post for awhile. I dont have time to write it, but Im making time.

Through ten years of marriage, I became quite dependant on Barry. He was always the one I relied on, we always discussed major decisions and I probably was a bit too dependent. I know that now, and I knew that then too, but oh well, it was me! That was me for the longest time, and now Ive had to forge a new me.

This new me has been FORCED to become independent. There is no one else to rely on but myself. And I hate it. I despise it. I abhor being the responsible one. I dislike having to make all the major decisions. I hate this aspect of widowhood with a passion. I have made so many decisions in the last almost 5 months that I have become overwhelmed.

To add insult to injury, many things have gone wrong too, which just adds to me having to do things on my own. Like with my van. In the last couple weeks, Ive had an alignment done, the door actuators fixed, an oil change, the tires rotated, and now replaced, brakes fixed, a radiator leak fixed, and the rear bumper replaced because someone hit me. Ive grown tired of seeing my friends at Midas. Today should be the last day, my tires are getting replaced as the tread on them is pretty low. But, the van has had those tires since before we bought it three years ago, so I suppose its time to do it anyway.

But you know, I CAN do it all by MYSELF. I dont like it, but I can and am doing it. Ive bought a house on my own too! Ive handled all the van repairs on my own. Ive filled out countless forms for life insurance and death certificates. I planned the funeral and wrote the obituary (with some help I might add) and even spoke at Barrys funeral by myself.

Ive also outfitted an entire house by myself. This house stuff though has been the most stressful I think. Just the simple act of purchasing furniture has had my head spinning in all different directions. On tuesday at the furniture store, I really started to shut down towards the end. I couldnt do it anymore. I was able to pick out furniture for my living room, my bedroom, and the great room. But I spent a good 4 hours in the Macys store! Thats all done though, finally. Wednesday afternoon I went to another store and picked out my book shelves and TV stand, and a clock. I could feel myself shutting down again though, so I decided enough was enough and left. Tomorrow the kids and I are going back there to pick out V and Es beds and dressers, and As dresser, and my computer desk. After that, we will head to Sleep Country to get mine and V and Es mattresses. I still have to get minor things like dishes and some decor items, but the major stuff is done...except for a Piano. That can wait. Today I even picked out all my blinds for the new house, by MYSELF. I didnt even have my Realtor help, haha. I made all the decisions with the vendor, by MYSELF. Can I share a secret though? if I could, I would have hired an interior decorator/design person to do it all for me.

I can pack an entire house by myself. I can move into a new house by myself. I can pick out furniture and bedding and all that by myself. I can handle van repairs by myself. I can de-clutter a house by myself. I can make all the important decisions, like the kids changing schools, and where A will go to pre-school by myself. I can decide that its not a good idea for us to go to DC/PA, but that it is a good idea for us to go to Disneyland, by myself. And I can go to a movie tonight by myself...first time for everything, right?

I have often found myself wondering what would Barry think of all this? Would he like the decisions Ive made, would he like what I have picked out? But then I have to remind myself that while I value his opinion, hes dead. Hes not here anymore, and I cant constantly base my decisions on what he would have done. Im alone now, and though hes with me in my heart, and in my mind, hes not here in person for me to rely on. I cant ask him what he thinks of this piece of furniture, or that one, or what bed to get the girls, what tires I should get on the van, Ive had to do it by myself. Its a bit freeing though, to be completely honest, knowing that I CAN pick and choose what I want and not worry if he would like it or not. I had all these ideas of what I wanted to buy for my new house, the colors and all that stuff too, and when I went to pick it out, I went completely opposite of what I had in mind. Its so different from what we would have picked out together, but I think thats good in a way. Most of our stuff is being replaced, but the one piece I am keeping in the house, which doesnt even match my new kitchen all that well, is the table and chairs we bought a year ago. He and M put it together, and while it doesnt match my cabinets, that doesnt matter...he put it together. His hands pieced it together with the help of our son, and it will stay in my kitchen as our family table for a very long time.

Barry would be proud of me, proud of all the decisions Ive made on my own. He would say "I knew you could do it Joanna, and I am so proud of you! I always told you you could do it on your own, you never needed me to make all the decisions".

Ill tell you though, I am amazed that I have done it all by myself. Ive wanted to crawl into a ball and rock myself sometimes due to all the stress, but I havent. I will keep on keepin on, and get through this. Things will settle down eventually, the stress will dissipate and I will continue to do things on my own. I will develop a stronger skin, I will become even more independent than I already am, and I will get through it.

One day at a time, I can do it by myself.

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A Life Lost

I was trying to think of what to write today, as I havent been writing too much lately, and today at my Grief Works group, I got the inspiration.

Weve begun the task in our group of taking turns sharing. Each week, 4 of our group share about the person they lost. Today one of the ladies shared about her husband who passed away about a month before Barry. They had been married for 51 years. 51 years.

As she was sharing her story, I couldnt help but start crying. In fact, most of us cried while everyone else was sharing. Next week is my turn, so I need to prepare some stuff and get pictures/mementos ready as well.

Why did I start crying? Because the life that I was supposed to have is lost. A Life, Lost.

I grieve not only for Barry, but for the life that I was supposed to have. I was so lucky to have 11 years of him in my life, to love him for that long, but how I long for forever.

I dont deserve this life that I have now. How is it fair that the life I was supposed to have has been ripped from my clutches and tossed aside? The dreams that we had as a couple, for our family and our future and ourselves, have been LOST. They will never come to fruition. I will never get that 51 year anniversary with the love of my life.

Barry and I had our challenges in our marriage, as every couple does. We had the ups and downs emotionally, financially etc etc, but through it all, we still loved each other. We always stuck by each other, no matter what the difficulty we were faced with. We had the perfect marriage. We complimented each other so well, we were best friends, and we loved each other with our whole being.

Im angry that Ive lost my life. Everything that I planned on, is gone, is lost. What am I supposed to do now? I feel lost myself! I dont know what to do with my self. The only plans I have right now are to buy a home, and to go back to work or school once A is in school full time in 3 years. But what about after that?

How do I pick up the pieces and move forward?

There was no thought in my mind that Barry wouldnt get better. His death was not a possibility in my mind. I figured that we would get through this as best as we could, we would pick up the pieces and manage, and life would move on despite this little hiccup. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that when I brought him to the hospital on the night of October 5th that he would NEVER come home. Well wait, he DID come home. He came home in a wooden box, cradled in my arms, on October 15th. And now he sits on my dresser in my bedroom, watching over me as I sleep every night.

I wonder if I had the chance to prepare for this new life, if it would have made things easier? if Barry had cancer or some other terminal disease, would I have been able to contemplate this new life I would have? I dont know what I would prefer: Him being sick for a very long time and knowing the inevitable, or what I was given with him dying unexpectedly. I dont know, I just dont know. Its almost like the analogy about love. Is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all?

There will never be the travelling that we dreamed of together. Well never get to enjoy our grandchildren together. He will miss the major milestones like A starting kindergarten, learning how to ride a bike, read, tie her shoes. Hell miss the 13th birthdays. The 18th Birthdays. Hell miss the kids going off to college, graduating, getting married, them having babies, and us becoming grandparents. Hell miss it all. This life, it is LOST.

I dont know how to pick up the pieces. I dont know how to move forward with this new life when all I have known is OUR life. Now I have MY life.

I am grieving a life, lost.

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The Unintentional Branding of a Widow

As my Aunt Christine said, you feel like you walk around with a big W tattooed on your forehead, where everyone can notice it.

I dont think that people do it intentionally, but you still do it. You look at us like were lepers. A big W tattoo on our foreheads makes us untouchable, yet you act so sympathetic too.

And I hate it. I hate hate hate it.

Do you know how irritating it is to hear "Im sorry", "How are you?" over and over and over and over, again and again? The sound or sight of those words are like nails on a chalkboard to me now. I dont want to hear them. Saying "Im sorry" is not going to make me feel better, its not going to bring Barry back for the kids and I, its not going to make dealing with life insurance people and hospital bills any easier. It doesnt do anything but annoy me now. And how do you think I am? I just LOST MY HUSBAND. Sorry I cant be Mrs Happy Go Lucky anymore, but Im a WIDOW and IM GRIEVING.

And while Im on the topic, why not say hello instead of just staring at me? Am I that untouchable that I seem contagious? Why not just carry a yard stick with you so you can just poke me when I come too close.

Not everyone has been this way, but I have noticed it. Its hurtful, and frustrating. And if you do know me personally, please, please, think of some other way to talk to me other than saying youre sorry, or asking how I am.

That is all.

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A River of Tears

In the last 4 months and 10 days I feel like I have cried enough to fill a river.

There have been different tears at different times, but they all come from grief.

Tears the first night, when I woke up at 5AM on October 11th, from pure grief and exhaustion. I woke myself up by crying in my sleep, just laying there in my bed, wrapped in Barrys t-shirt, my head on his pillow and sobbing to myself as I laid there.

Tears the first whole month because I just didnt know what to do.

Tears on October 21st when Kiro 7 came to interview me

I dont even remember if I cried at the hospital. I am sure I did, but my body was running on such adrenaline that I dont remember much. I remember yelling and screaming. I have used tissues that I kept to prove that I cried, but I dont remember crying.

Tears of sorrow last night as I started packing. Never did I know how emotional it would be. I picked up a box from the pile I got at Borders, taped up the bottom, and grabbed the first book from the shelf.

Instant tears.

I really did not know that the emotions would hit me as they did last night, but I could not stop crying as I filled that box up. Then the next, and the next, and the next. I packed five boxes last night crying the entire time. I am excited to move into our new house, but sad because we are leaving this home we had with Barry.

I cried as I found pictures of Barry as a child that I forgot I had. I cried as I looked through each one. Our son looks so much like his daddy, and I cried about that too.

I cried as I found a birthday card I had written him for his 26th birthday, and one he had written for me too, for what I am guessing was that same year.

Sobs of pure grief poured out of me. Tears even now roll down my cheeks as I write this post.

I think it might finally be hitting me. My tears seem different now. They are so much more full of sorrow than they were before. Is this what grief is? I thought I had experienced it all already. Perhaps not.

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A New Direction

Ive been pondering the direction I want to take with this blog for quite some time. My blog posts have been sporadic over the past couple months and I just dont know what to write all the time.

I went through this not that long ago, I think it was in December, that I decided no more grief blogging. But what do you know, all of my posts after that were about grief. I just wasnt ready yet. But now I am just....lost? I love writing, and I love writing about Barry, but I cant think of what else to write! It does get tiring all the time writing about how I am doing. I am tired of it, personally. I want to take this blog in a new direction somewhat, but I havent quite decided what that will be.

The kids and I are starting a new chapter of our lives next week. On April 2nd, we move into the house that I just bought for us. It will be just short of 6 months ago too, just 8 days short of the six month anniversary. We are craving, well I am craving, new beginnings, a fresh start. I need it. I cant live in this house anymore. Its not painful to live here really, but I am tired of it, and I just need to move on. I will miss it, because it is the last house we ever lived in with Barry, but I dont think I can fully heal if I am living in a house surrounded by constant reminders of our 10 years together. Everything in this house, save for Christmas/birthday gifts, we bought and paid for, so it all reminds me of him. He put everything together, he put the towel racks up, he did it all. And I need new. I crave new. And almost everything in the new house is new, including our brand new never-been-lived-in just built house.

I am sure that I will continue to blog about the grief process, thats almost a given. In fact, I do have a post planned for April 10th. I think that will be the most difficult post I have yet to write, for in that post, I will be giving the nitty gritty details. A story of death. Yes, I am going to tell you all how Barry died and exactly what happened on October 10th, 2009. Its almost a conclusion of sorts for me, to end this grief blogging.

I want to start cooking again, I want to try recipes. I want to do crafts. I want to further my photography skills. I want to LIVE. I want to be able to post this stuff on my blog. I want to become even more, the woman that I know I can be, and that Barry knew I would be. I knew 2010 would be my year, and I intend to make it so.

Keep an eye out for blog posts, Ill still be around. And I will still be doing my A Year Of Memories posts. Thank you all for being such supportive readers, it means so much to me.

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A Tale of Two Birthday Cards

The Twins will be 9 on Monday. 9 years old already, I cant believe it.

While I was out today, I stopped by Target to get a few things. I realized then that I had to get the presents today, or else Im screwed. We have a busy weekend ahead of us. I was all ready to check out, with my cart full of presents, power ade and other random useless crap you always pick up at Target, when I realized I had forgotten to get the twins their birthday cards. I will be honest, and admit that I forgot their birthday was coming up until they reminded me early this week. How could I forget? Easily enough, weve been so wrapped up with everything else that I plum forgot until they reminded me.

I ran over to the card section, and picked out two plain Jane cards for 9 year olds. I put them back though, because I felt they werent personal enough. In the aisle with me was a woman who was the card vendor, and I asked her where the cards were from "Mommy and Daddy", she pointed me in the right direction, and I just couldnt buy a card from "Mommy and Daddy". It was too hard. I picked up a card for each of them, that was "for my son/daughter love mom".

And wouldnt you know, I started sobbing in the card aisle. Right in the middle of target, I was crying because of birthday cards. I was crying because of Barry dying. I was crying because I was thinking I couldnt sign the cards "Love Mommy and Daddy" anymore. I still will though, I will ALWAYS sign the cards that way, no matter what type of card it is.

I think that Monday will be a hard day, it will be the very first birthday we are celebrating without Barry. He died the day of Es 7th birthday party, but he was still alive on her birthday. He even wrote in her birthday card, "Happy Birthday Sweetheart, Love Daddy". I insisted he do that the day he was extubated, because we knew he would not be present at her birthday party. Barry wasnt always present at the kids birthdays, he missed occasional birthdays and parties because of his work schedule. We tried to avoid it as much as possible, but sometimes it was inevitable.

I am sad that we actually have to celebrate this first birthday without him. Its not like hes working, hes actually DEAD. Why? I am overwhelmed to be completely honest. I dont know how I will handle the party. I might have to ask a couple of the moms to stay and help, because I have never done a big party like this without him. Last year we did a combined birthday for the twins at a local bowling alley, but he was there to help.

This year I decided that all the kids would have awesome birthday parties. I booked the twins at a local gymnastics gym, and well have close to 20 kids there I think? If all the kids invited come, then we will have 22 with all of mine! On Monday I am going to take all the kids out to a local pizza buffet we like for dinner, they are stoked and cant wait to go.

Hopefully Monday will be OK for us. I hope we dont cry too much, or that I dont cry too much, remembering with love, the family member that is now missing from our lives on that most important day.

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10 Signs You Need a Fresh Start

When was the last time you took a few moments to do some a self-inventory. Not like a counting freckles, or hairs, but a nitty gritty introspection sesh? When was the last time you examined your habits and your moods and really thought about how youre doing. If its been a while, you may be missing the blatant evidence that its time for a fresh start. Sometimes when we are stuck in a bit of a rut, it can be pretty easy to miss the 10 signs that you need a fresh start. Let me break them down for you:

1. You would categorize or mood as kind of, "eh." You dont really find yourself passionate about anything.
2. You dont feel like your normal self. Youre not sure whats up, but you know that a couple weeks ago, we were not feeling like this.

You feel indifferent about most of the decisions you make.
3. You would rather sleep than spend time with loved ones. You and your bed are pals. When you get home you just want to lay in your bed and tell it about all of your problems.
4. Nothing makes you feel motivated anymore. You know you should workout, but you dont wanna. You know you should probably shower, but you dont wanna do that either. And laundry? Yeah... probably should... but no. All motivation = GONE.
5. The ones closest to you keep asking what is wrong. Your family thinks youre a little depressed. They keep asking you how you are and if everything is OK. Your response is usually, "Im fine. Just been tired."
6. Your confidence is in the toilet. You look in the mirror and you just arent feeling in. So, theres no point in getting ready, because that too is something youre just not feeling.
7. You feel insecure about your decisions. You put a lot of thought into choosing simple things like what to have for dinner and what to watch on Netflix, and then when you do make a choice you still arent sure if it was the right one.
8. You feel like running away from all of your problems. Your ideal situation would be a vacation for you and your friend Bed far, far away where no one can reach you. Preferably somewhere that doesnt require money, or bills, or other general life activities.
9. You realize youre not on track with your 5 year plan. This is not where you wanted to be with your life. You were supposed to have your dream job by now. Whats wrong with you? Your plan is totally ruined.
10. You feel like youve maxed out your potential. You cannot see yourself getting passed this. Youll be stuck here forever. All of your potential is maxed out and this is where you level off.

Even if only two of these apply to you... Its time for a fresh start. You need to re-vamp your life.

So how does one just start fresh? You cant just run away and sleep forever, and as good as that sounds it wont make any of your problems go away. Here are some suggestions to help you feel excited about life again and slowly start climbing out of the slump youve been camping in:

1. Start with gratitude.If you really stop and think about it you have a lot of amazing things around you. Set an alarm on your phone that will go over every day at the same time. Open up a memo app on your phone and write down 13 things you are grateful for and do this every single day. Seeing how awesome your life really is can be just the right push to get you living it to the fullest extent.

2. Watch this pep talk from Kid President. He is a pretty cool kid with some big ideas on getting out of a slump.

3. Make a list & reward yourself when everything on that list is done. Write down everything you need to do that day, and then write down what you get when its all done. So maybe when you shower, do laundry, and finish that report for work you get to take a break and watch a couple episodes of your favorite show. This will help you start getting things done so you dont get overwhelmed by tasks.

4. Do something for your body. Dropping a few pounds or even just doing a detox can help you regain some of the confidence youve been lacking for awhile. Try doing the Lemonade Detox. No need to change your diet, all you do is just drink the drink and reap the benefits.

5. Get outside. The weather is warming up and its time to spend less time inside and more time soaking up the sun. Go for a jog, go play a round of golf, or even go lay outside and read a book. You need some fresh air and some Vitamin D. You will feel better physically and mentally when you step away from the couch and when you step outside.

6. Reconnect with some friends. If youve been putting off hanging out with your friends, its time to reconnect with them and start surrounding yourself with people who make you laugh.

7. Cut down on naps, but still get your 8 hours. If you sleep too much, you actually feel more tired. If youre getting more than eight hours of sleep per day, its time to cut down on the naps. You are training your body to want sleep that it doesnt really need and in return it is making you more tired. Before you know it, your over-sleeping has got you caught in a cycle that makes it hard for you to get anything done.

8. Start dreaming & planning. If you arent where you want to be, change it. Simple as that. No one is going to change it for you, its up to you. Start dreaming again. Then start planning out way you can make that dream a reality. Sign up for a class at the local college, Read a book on investing. Whatever your dream is, start working toward it.

9. Surround yourself with motivating things. Find a happy post, rummage through old pictures and find your favorites, or turn on some happy music. Surround yourself with things that remind you to be better and things that inspire you to stay positive.

10. Lighten up. Dont take everything so seriously. Life is good and its worth living. All you need to do is decide that as of this moment, this moment right now, you are going to start fresh.

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Lists

I wanted to talk about a bunch of different topics, subjects, what have you, but as there is too much, I will just list it, and summarize everything.

• I cant remember the last time I really cleaned my room. I think it was before Barry was to come home, before he went into the hospital. After he died, and mom and I were cleaning for out of town company, we used my room as a catch all. I still have his clothes where I left them. His Fridge, a bin full of stuff to bring to goodwill, his Army duffel bag full of his clean AND dirty laundry. Countless bags of Christmas presents on the floor and stuffed into the closet. The clothes I bought for the Salvation Army kids, the clothes I bought myself at Old Navy yesterday, my clean clothes stacked on a box. Books, clutter,, his computers and lap top bag, a random sock of his from last august that he left at home by accident, paper work, just clutter. I have to clear a path really, its very messy. And mom, I know youre reading this, rest assured it will be clean before you come over at Christmas. No bitching allowed! haha

• I still havent touched his clothes from where I put them when I emptied his truck. Everything is how I left it when I first put it there. Though I really suppose I SHOULD charge the lap top, I havent used it in a few weeks.

• I havent folded laundry properly in weeks

• My son asked if he could do the dishes before school this morning because i left them from last night and the kitchen was messy. So yes, I did do them after they went to school

• As it is painfully obvious, housework is not a priority for me right now. I have to get my butt in gear though because I have 4 family members coming in from out of town for Christmas in just over a month.
  

• I almost bought Barry a pair of slippers the other day because I knew his were worn out and in need of replacement. I was going to buy him new work gloves, new slippers, and a new duffel bag...all of which he desperately needed.

• We started family grief support Thursday night. I didnt get anything out of it. Im hoping this will change, but I do understand it is geared to the kids. Almost everyone there lost someone to cancer. I felt very out of place.

• I talked to Barrys school today regarding his account, transcripts and everything. It made me very sad that he will never get to see his dream fulfilled. He was such an AWESOME student! On the Deans list every semester. Im in the process of getting copies of his transcripts and Deans list letters to save for the kids. I want to show them how much of a wonderful student their daddy was.

• Yesterday I a let my 3.5 year old watch Mickeys Twice Upon a Christmas twice in a row and I didnt care. I also didnt shower till 10:30 yesterday morning.

• Last night I took the kids to Costco after an early dinner. Before we left, I thought to myself, "Oh, I better call Barry to let him know were going out".

• I dont think there has been more than a one day span where I havent gone out since Barry got home October 4th. I go somewhere almost every day. Before, I would only go out every few days. Now I HAVE to go somewhere, do something, anything, to keep my mind off things and keep busy and entertained.

• Today I took my kids Christmas shopping and out for lunch. We had a subway gift card for lunch, but do you know how HARD it is to corral 4 kids in small restaurant? Plus keep them reasonably quiet and well mannered? Its impossible. Then we headed to Old Navy, Toys R Us, Target and Pier One. I will say this: There is a reason I only do my shopping during the week when the three oldest are in school.

• I am hoping, crossing my fingers, anything, that 2010 is a better year for us. A year for healing, a year for laughter, a year for new memories. I hope its our year to be happy.
  

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Sleepless Ramblings Of A New Homeowner

Its the wee hours of the morning and I am laying here in my bed, typing on my laptop, as sleep will not overcome me. again.

Ive been having this problem for awhile now. It comes and goes really, and was really very bad just a few short months ago when I was still in shock from losing Barry. And now its resurfacing: being tired, but restless, and unable to settle down and sleep. My mind going a million miles a minute, while my eyes burn from lack of shut-eye.

I took a Valerian root capsule and I am hoping that helps. At least I can be happy that I am laying in bed, and it was just shortly after midnight when I started typing this, rather than last night when I wasnt in bed till well after 2AM.

Today was my first full day of being an official homeowner!! Monday afternoon I got the call from my Realtor about 3:34 PM saying that the title had FINALLY recorded at County, and that the house was mine. HOORAY!! After the kids got home from school, my mom and I and the kids went over to the house to bring some stuff over. It was the first time I had been in the house without my Realtor, and it felt so surreal. I almost didnt feel right about it, because for the past month, I have only been in the house with him. And Ill be honest, I am going to miss him! He has done so much for me the past couple months weve been working together, and weve seen each other often. But I will be seeing him again, because he is going to be helping me with changing the garage door code, an getting me the mailbox key etc etc. Essentially, he is my "Barry" right now. He is doing a lot of the guy stuff for me that I havent delegated to my friend Jason, or my girlfriends husbands.

As I walked into the house yesterday afternoon, I made sure to put something very special on the fireplace mantle. It was the first official item that was placed in the house after it was in my name. And that item was the American flag that I was presented at Barrys funeral. It now sits ensconced in a cherry and glass triangular case, upon my mantle. I had actually thought about bringing Barrys Urn to put on top of there, but I decided against it because I didnt want to leave him in the house by himself! And yes, I laughed about that.

So now begins yet another chapter in our lives: A new house, new memories, new friends.

New Beginnings.

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The One About The Oxygen Mask

Many of you know the ordeal that I went through this past Monday. If not, I shall share...I had all four of my Wisdom teeth taken out.

They had been bugging me for years, and the bottom right one still hadnt pushed all the way through, and was coming in sideways, so I decided it was time to get them removed. I wasnt that scared of getting my teeth pulled, but more of being put out for the entire surgery.

When I arrived there on Monday morning, I was instructed to change into a gown. Wait, why do I have to wear a gown? Well, I did anyway. So I walked down the hallway in my hospital gown, yoga pants and sneakers. No bra! haha. I also had a hair net thingy magiggy on my head. They really take things seriously at Dr. Jacksons office!

I was sitting in the chair and they were prepping me for the surgery, and for some reason I started to talk about Barry. Why? Why did I start to talk about him? I think for me right now it is a coping mechanism, I tend to do it when I am nervous. They put a cuff on my arm to take my blood pressure and keep it on while I was under. Well, I was so nervous that my blood pressure was 161/120! That is way too high. I remember remarking to the nurses how amazing it was how different situations affect your body more than you know, and little did I know, but talking about Barry was raising my blood pressure. I was able to calm myself down thankfully, by taking deep breaths and just thinking peaceful things.

Then I got the oxygen mask.

I got scared, and very anxious. Tears were squeezing out of the corners of my eyes.

I wasnt scared for myself, I was scared for Barry. Knowing that he went through this, that he had an oxygen mask on his face almost constantly for a week. And I hated knowing that I was goign through the same thing. I started to get panicky, even more so after Dr Jackson put the IV in my hand. It hurt.

Its the same scenario as I had with the face masks during my Grief Works group. Just the mere sight of these items makes me anxious. To be honest, I dont know that I will ever recover from that. What I went through in October is one of the most traumatic events someone can ever go through, to be there at your loved ones side as they take their last breath. To see them incapacitated in the hospital, helpless and at the mercy of life. Hooked up to so many machines you cant even count them. Hearing so many beeps and different sounds. It will forever be etched into my mind. Always. I will never forget, and I am almost positive that it will always affect me, for the rest of my life.

So you can imagine how I felt having an oxygen mask on my face, and an IV in my hand.

I remember remarking to the nurses how relaxed I was starting to feel after Dr Jackson put the IV in, haha. Something about how I liked morphine when I had my c-sections. I remember talking about the oxygen mask and my blood pressure and being scared, and that it would be something to blog about. Then the last thing I remember is Dr Jackson putting the IV in and telling me hed be giving me something to relax me.

I woke up in recovery! I dont know how long I was out for, maybe a half hour? I tell ya, it was so worth being put out. I have recovered pretty well, no swelling or bruising. Today was the first day I was able to eat real food though, and Ive taken it pretty easy still. My teeth still hurt, and I am still taking my drugs. I forgot to do my salt water rinses until today...oops! But I already have soft tissue growing back, so I think I should be OK.

I hope one day I can get over my fear of anything hospital related, but I dont think I will. It will be with me for always, Im sure.

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Blogging Break

As shown by my recent lack of posting, I havent had much to talk about in our lives.  

Life has slowed down dramatically for us, since we havent been busy with moving, and we are just enjoying living in this new house.

Life is good right now, and I am enjoying it.  Ive passed the 7 month mark, and I feel different.  I feel less grief most of the time, and I feel more at peace with what has happened to us.  Last night for the first time, I was able to say to someone, frankly and bluntly..."Barry is dead, and hes not coming back".  I need to get on with my life!

We have some exciting events happening in the next month!  The kids got accepted into their grief camp, so we have the welcoming pizza party for that on the 26th, and then they go to camp June 11-13.  Im going to see Jim Norton in Seattle on the 28th, which I am extremely excited for.  I plan to take a sharpie and have him sign my boobage! Yes, I totally am going to do that! And this upcoming week, I will be booking our trip to Florida, so that is going to take some time for me too, with all the logistics of car rentals, and hotels and flights etc etc. 

I dont feel that I have anything to write right now, so I am going to take a break from blogging.  Not long Im sure, I just didnt want to leave this blog unattended, and have everyone wonder where I am.  Im here, just living!   Ill be back soon!! 

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