Dear Barry and A Year Of Memories

I guess April was just too much of a crazy month for me, because I forgot a couple A year of Memories posts. The day in question was April 8th, 1999, but I wont be writing about it after all because it wasnt a very good memory for Barry and I. After the years had passed, we always laughed about it, but Id still rather not write about it. And with that....

Dearest Barry,

Today was May 1st. You know what that means!!!

We missed you so much this weekend. Friday night the kids and I had cake, like we always do on April 30th ;-), and a special dinner. Maybe not super special this year, but the kids wanted pizza, so I picked up our favorite frozen DiGiornos, and a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting (because that has always been your favorite) for dessert. Before we ate, I dug out the black candles and lit the big black pillar for you, and placed it in the middle of the table. As we ate, I had all of us go around and say a special memory we had of you. Mine was how you laughed like a little girl, and the kids also mentioned how you stank up the bathroom, snored all the time and farted a lot. Leave it to our kids to remember that stuff, lol. We all had a good laugh at that. A refused to talk, as always. I also read to the kids a bit about the history of this weekend!

This morning we woke up to a breakfast of orange breakfast rolls with icing, and chocolate milk. It was fabulous! We got ready, and then headed out to North West Trek. Do you remember how you and I were planning on going for Es birthday in October? You really wanted to go see the Cats! :) The kids and I had been talking about what to do for this weekend for months, and it was their idea to go to NWT because we knew you had wanted to. So we did that today, and celebrated the day just as we would had you been there! It was our tribute to you, darling, because you couldnt be there in person.

We spent all day there, and I got so many pictures. I am quite positive you knew we were going, because ALL the animals were out, and I got so many pictures. I took over 450 pictures today! So many of the cats too. Oh, they were gorgeous Barry, you would have loved them! We spent a long time at the Cougar enclosure :)

Our plan was to eat at KFC for dinner, but the kids wanted Subway! On our way home, we picked it up and ate at home, ending our special day. I will be continuing this tradition with the kids for as long as is possible...forever I think, and we will always be doing something fun, as because of you, this tradition started.

Tonight after dinner, I made this stupid mistake of reading your twitter page. I resembled a raccoon by the time I was done, as I was sobbing uncontrollably. I MISS YOU. Oh how I miss you darling. It was so neat to see your tweets though, to see your witty self coming through those words on the screen, but it only made me feel worse. I dont think Ill be reading it for awhile again though. What really made me cry though, was reading your tweets when you were sick, saying you had a killer immune system etc etc. And then your very last one, saying you were in the hospital with pneumonia, ending it with an FML. You didnt know, did you? sigh. I wish we could turn back the clock and pause forever in August and early September. If only we could, right?

Well my dear, Doctor Who is on and I have to go. You know how that is ;-) I love you and adore you, and miss you so much. Ill see you in my dreams, I hope.

Love forever and always,

Me

xoxoxoxp

p.s. As I was reading your tweets, I found the one you wrote to me last summer about Hades licking the blinds strings in the old house. And guess what? He does it here too! LOL I had to laugh the other day when I saw him doing that. Crazy cat!!

*************

Every year from April 30th-May 1st, we have a family day. If May 1st even falls on a school day, the kids are taken out of school. It doesnt matter, that is the protocol for our family. That is how important this day is to us. Every year we do something fun, and last year we went to Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle. Last year too, we were behind schedule, same as today! haha Guess that has also become tradition :)

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Im Fallin To Pieces

This is how I feel.

"Im still alive, but Im barely breathing...when a heart breaks, no it dont break even. Im fallin to pieces, Im fallin to pieces...what am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?"

Today I was reading through my status updates back from October, through to now, and just sat at my computer sobbing, my shoulders shaking as I cried into my hands. Big crocodile tears running down my cheeks and onto my t-shirt.

I miss Barry. I miss him so much. I feel like the grief hits me at the most random times, when I least expect it to. And Im LONELY. so so so lonely.

I wonder if my forgetting is just not a good thing. Probably not, right? I need to see a counselor, and badly. I just havent had the time to make the phone call to look around. I did call the chaplain at the hospital to see if they could give me any recommendations, but I havent heard back from them yet.

Most of all I am having trouble dealing with the reality of the situation. I thought I had dealt with it, but I dont think I have. Sure I dont get to talk to Barry on the phone all the time, and Im starting to forget what that was even like. And its only been 3 months. Most of all I miss the companionship. Having someone there to listen to me, to talk to me, to love me, and just be there with me.

So I just push the pain aside, go through my day to day life, and try to find other avenues for my loneliness. Yesterday afternoon I took my youngest daughter to the lake near our house, and shot some awesome pics of the Capitol building. Some were so awesome that I am going to frame them and put them in my new house! I dont know what else to do to combat the loneliness though. The gym is helping, I go as often as I can, 3-4 times a week for an hour or two. I talk on the phone to my friends, which helps somewhat. Or I just spend time aimlessly looking at the computer, and do nothing. Ive been meaning to break open my sewing machine, but I dont want to set it up until I have a house.

******

I stepped away from the computer for an hour while I was writing this and lost my train of thought. Ill try to continue it later. Sometimes I find it difficult to get back into the groove if Ive stepped away.

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Almost 30 Years of Barry

I have so much to write this weekend, but cant seem to get my thoughts straight at all. The difficulty of that stems from the fact that we have two birthdays this weekend. Today was Barrys 30th Birthday. Tomorrow is As 4th Birthday. Tomorrow is my sisters 23d Birthday.

I suspected that today would be a hard day for us, but it wasnt all that bad to be honest. I purposely planned As birthday for today so we could get through it. I had her party at Chuck E Cheeses this morning, upon the insistence of my friend Rebecca who encouraged me to have a party for her even though i wasnt feeling it this year. The party went great actually! She was spoiled by all her friends that came, and we enjoyed white and chocolate cupcakes with pink and purple frosting. The weather was beautiful today, so when we got home, the kids and I had an impromptu photo shoot outside. I got some beautiful photos that I will be printing out and framing. We really did have a fantastic afternoon in the sunshine.

My plan for the night was to take the kids to our favorite family restaurant, and Barrys favorite, a local Chinese Buffet. I had actually decided ages ago though, that we would go there every year on his birthday. A way to honor his memory in a way. It really was his favorite restaurant, he LOVED it there. After his funeral in October, my family and his family, all my family, we all went to the restaurant together to honor him as well. We had such a good time that Friday night, and the kids and I had a good time tonight too. But walking into that restaurant without him was strange, surreal...I felt memories wash over me like a tsnunami. Even the smell reminded me of him.

As I sat there at the table with the kids, I could see him sitting across from me. My memories were so incredibly vivid, that I could really see him sitting there in his black t-shirt, a plate piled high with Chinese food and a beer in front of him. I could see him, hear him...I almost could have reached out and touched him.

Never before have my memories been so vivid. Never before in the last five months has he been so real to me. It was almost a comfort to me, knowing I could conjure him up just like that. I dont know that I could ever, will ever, do that again though. It was nice to see him, but I dont know...I just dont know.

I really expected myself to be a snivelling mess today, but you know what, I havent cried once. We sang Happy Birthday to Daddy, we went out for dinner to his favorite restaurant, we laughed and we remembered him. I have the kids working on writing him a letter, which I am going to have them do every year around his birthday. They can read them when they are older. I myself bought him a card yesterday when i was at Target, and that surprisingly was the hardest for me, and I sobbed as I picked it out. I had the same idea for myself as I did for the kids: I will buy him a card every year, write in it and seal it, and then open it up years down the road, or leave it for the kids when I am no longer here anymore.

Tomorrow is As 4th birthday. I am going to try write about her if I can...but writing about two birthdays in two days, is a bit much for me. Emotionally exhausting if you may.

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Two Years Ago I Became A Widow

In Loving Memory

March 6th 1980-October 10th 2009

I will forever love you and keep you in my heart.

Im finally getting around to writing this last post.  I just didnt want to write it at all.  I dont feel like I have anything I need to say to Barry...I think Ive said it all a million times over over these last two years.  The time has come to say goodbye to this blog, and continue with my new one. Thank you to everyone for being such wonderful readers, and supporting me even if you didnt comment.  This blog has been such a big part of my life for over 3 years, and even more so now because it has become my outlet for my grieving.  I am ready to move on, so please come with me as I continue this journey.    If you email me then I will reply to you and give you my new blog address.  I post on there much more regularly than this one.  I have to say, I am a little sad to close this chapter in my life, but I am ready, and it is time.  

I will miss this blog and all of you.

Much love,

Joanna  

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Incredible Protein Pudding

Last week HCGDiet.com made an exciting announcement! They are now carrying a clean meal replacement shake. Clean means that its free from hormones, free from artificial colors & SWEETENED WITH STEVIA! Oh my gosh. Im so excited to see this product in the HCG store! Previously Ive used Triumph Slim, its a low-calorie protein shake that is a great option for dieters on the go. Its delicious! So I was a little hesitant and skeptical to try the one from Gnarly Nutrition But after a little research, I realized how many benefits Gnarly Slim has! 

You can read my full comparison of Triumph Slim and Gnarly Slim on HCGDiet.coms blog!  

Today I wanted to post a recipe using Gnarly Slim. I call it protein pudding. Its easy to make and its only 105 calories! It makes a great afternoon snack, or a tasty low-calorie breakfast.

1/2 c. Fage Total 0% plain yogurt -65 calories
1/2 scoop Gnarly Slim - 40 calories
4 drops liquid Chocolate Trulicious stevia - 0 calories
1 tsp powdered Trulicious stevia - 0 calories

Mix all ingredients in a small bowl, enjoy immediately!

This little snack gives you a whopping 16 grams of protein! Not to mention that Gnarly Slim contains ingredients that help boost your metabolism and energy!

Because this snack is low fat and sweetened with stevia, it would be safe to use in Phase 2 of the HCG Diet (as one of your servings of protein), on maintenance, or even when youre trying to lose weight on your own.

When it comes to the taste, Gnarly Slim is a bit different than Triumph Slim and Im still getting used to it, but I have noticed that I have better numbers on the scale the next day when I use Gnarly Slim. That makes all the difference to me.

I cant wait to try more recipes using Gnarly Slim! Be sure to check back.

Interested in trying Gnarly Slim for yourself? You can get it for 20% off from the HCG Store! Im not sure how long that discount will be available, so be sure to check it out.

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I CAN Do It MYSELF

I know Ive been promising this post for awhile. I dont have time to write it, but Im making time.

Through ten years of marriage, I became quite dependant on Barry. He was always the one I relied on, we always discussed major decisions and I probably was a bit too dependent. I know that now, and I knew that then too, but oh well, it was me! That was me for the longest time, and now Ive had to forge a new me.

This new me has been FORCED to become independent. There is no one else to rely on but myself. And I hate it. I despise it. I abhor being the responsible one. I dislike having to make all the major decisions. I hate this aspect of widowhood with a passion. I have made so many decisions in the last almost 5 months that I have become overwhelmed.

To add insult to injury, many things have gone wrong too, which just adds to me having to do things on my own. Like with my van. In the last couple weeks, Ive had an alignment done, the door actuators fixed, an oil change, the tires rotated, and now replaced, brakes fixed, a radiator leak fixed, and the rear bumper replaced because someone hit me. Ive grown tired of seeing my friends at Midas. Today should be the last day, my tires are getting replaced as the tread on them is pretty low. But, the van has had those tires since before we bought it three years ago, so I suppose its time to do it anyway.

But you know, I CAN do it all by MYSELF. I dont like it, but I can and am doing it. Ive bought a house on my own too! Ive handled all the van repairs on my own. Ive filled out countless forms for life insurance and death certificates. I planned the funeral and wrote the obituary (with some help I might add) and even spoke at Barrys funeral by myself.

Ive also outfitted an entire house by myself. This house stuff though has been the most stressful I think. Just the simple act of purchasing furniture has had my head spinning in all different directions. On tuesday at the furniture store, I really started to shut down towards the end. I couldnt do it anymore. I was able to pick out furniture for my living room, my bedroom, and the great room. But I spent a good 4 hours in the Macys store! Thats all done though, finally. Wednesday afternoon I went to another store and picked out my book shelves and TV stand, and a clock. I could feel myself shutting down again though, so I decided enough was enough and left. Tomorrow the kids and I are going back there to pick out V and Es beds and dressers, and As dresser, and my computer desk. After that, we will head to Sleep Country to get mine and V and Es mattresses. I still have to get minor things like dishes and some decor items, but the major stuff is done...except for a Piano. That can wait. Today I even picked out all my blinds for the new house, by MYSELF. I didnt even have my Realtor help, haha. I made all the decisions with the vendor, by MYSELF. Can I share a secret though? if I could, I would have hired an interior decorator/design person to do it all for me.

I can pack an entire house by myself. I can move into a new house by myself. I can pick out furniture and bedding and all that by myself. I can handle van repairs by myself. I can de-clutter a house by myself. I can make all the important decisions, like the kids changing schools, and where A will go to pre-school by myself. I can decide that its not a good idea for us to go to DC/PA, but that it is a good idea for us to go to Disneyland, by myself. And I can go to a movie tonight by myself...first time for everything, right?

I have often found myself wondering what would Barry think of all this? Would he like the decisions Ive made, would he like what I have picked out? But then I have to remind myself that while I value his opinion, hes dead. Hes not here anymore, and I cant constantly base my decisions on what he would have done. Im alone now, and though hes with me in my heart, and in my mind, hes not here in person for me to rely on. I cant ask him what he thinks of this piece of furniture, or that one, or what bed to get the girls, what tires I should get on the van, Ive had to do it by myself. Its a bit freeing though, to be completely honest, knowing that I CAN pick and choose what I want and not worry if he would like it or not. I had all these ideas of what I wanted to buy for my new house, the colors and all that stuff too, and when I went to pick it out, I went completely opposite of what I had in mind. Its so different from what we would have picked out together, but I think thats good in a way. Most of our stuff is being replaced, but the one piece I am keeping in the house, which doesnt even match my new kitchen all that well, is the table and chairs we bought a year ago. He and M put it together, and while it doesnt match my cabinets, that doesnt matter...he put it together. His hands pieced it together with the help of our son, and it will stay in my kitchen as our family table for a very long time.

Barry would be proud of me, proud of all the decisions Ive made on my own. He would say "I knew you could do it Joanna, and I am so proud of you! I always told you you could do it on your own, you never needed me to make all the decisions".

Ill tell you though, I am amazed that I have done it all by myself. Ive wanted to crawl into a ball and rock myself sometimes due to all the stress, but I havent. I will keep on keepin on, and get through this. Things will settle down eventually, the stress will dissipate and I will continue to do things on my own. I will develop a stronger skin, I will become even more independent than I already am, and I will get through it.

One day at a time, I can do it by myself.

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A Life Lost

I was trying to think of what to write today, as I havent been writing too much lately, and today at my Grief Works group, I got the inspiration.

Weve begun the task in our group of taking turns sharing. Each week, 4 of our group share about the person they lost. Today one of the ladies shared about her husband who passed away about a month before Barry. They had been married for 51 years. 51 years.

As she was sharing her story, I couldnt help but start crying. In fact, most of us cried while everyone else was sharing. Next week is my turn, so I need to prepare some stuff and get pictures/mementos ready as well.

Why did I start crying? Because the life that I was supposed to have is lost. A Life, Lost.

I grieve not only for Barry, but for the life that I was supposed to have. I was so lucky to have 11 years of him in my life, to love him for that long, but how I long for forever.

I dont deserve this life that I have now. How is it fair that the life I was supposed to have has been ripped from my clutches and tossed aside? The dreams that we had as a couple, for our family and our future and ourselves, have been LOST. They will never come to fruition. I will never get that 51 year anniversary with the love of my life.

Barry and I had our challenges in our marriage, as every couple does. We had the ups and downs emotionally, financially etc etc, but through it all, we still loved each other. We always stuck by each other, no matter what the difficulty we were faced with. We had the perfect marriage. We complimented each other so well, we were best friends, and we loved each other with our whole being.

Im angry that Ive lost my life. Everything that I planned on, is gone, is lost. What am I supposed to do now? I feel lost myself! I dont know what to do with my self. The only plans I have right now are to buy a home, and to go back to work or school once A is in school full time in 3 years. But what about after that?

How do I pick up the pieces and move forward?

There was no thought in my mind that Barry wouldnt get better. His death was not a possibility in my mind. I figured that we would get through this as best as we could, we would pick up the pieces and manage, and life would move on despite this little hiccup. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that when I brought him to the hospital on the night of October 5th that he would NEVER come home. Well wait, he DID come home. He came home in a wooden box, cradled in my arms, on October 15th. And now he sits on my dresser in my bedroom, watching over me as I sleep every night.

I wonder if I had the chance to prepare for this new life, if it would have made things easier? if Barry had cancer or some other terminal disease, would I have been able to contemplate this new life I would have? I dont know what I would prefer: Him being sick for a very long time and knowing the inevitable, or what I was given with him dying unexpectedly. I dont know, I just dont know. Its almost like the analogy about love. Is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all?

There will never be the travelling that we dreamed of together. Well never get to enjoy our grandchildren together. He will miss the major milestones like A starting kindergarten, learning how to ride a bike, read, tie her shoes. Hell miss the 13th birthdays. The 18th Birthdays. Hell miss the kids going off to college, graduating, getting married, them having babies, and us becoming grandparents. Hell miss it all. This life, it is LOST.

I dont know how to pick up the pieces. I dont know how to move forward with this new life when all I have known is OUR life. Now I have MY life.

I am grieving a life, lost.

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MEMORIES OF EMILYS PASSING ITS BEEN 18 YEARS

 Emily at age 17 in 1996              Rebecca at age 23 in 1981

Friday, June 27, 1997 - I spent most of the day that day with my 18-year-old daughter, Emily. I had just bought a little rental house, and I showed it to her, and she was begging me to let her rent it from me and move away from home. We looked at other houses that day, too, and Emily was helping me pick out the next investment.

That evening, we rented and watched the movie Jerry Maguire and I made her cover her eyes while I fast forwarded through the sex scene at the beginning of the movie.

Sunday, June 29 - After church, Emily was up on the roof, cleaned out the gutters, which she volunteered to do. At one point, she was laying down on the roof with her head hanging over the edge, and I told her to stop fooling around before she fell off the roof and broke her neck.

Monday, June 30 - The four of us (Bill, me, 20-year-old son Barry and Emily) made plans to see My Best Friends Wedding on Thursday. It was the last time that the four of us would sit in a room and talk. It was the last time we were a normal family. It was the last time I saw my daughter conscious.

Tuesday, July 1 - I left for work before Emily got out of bed that day. After working a while, I ran an errand, and when I got back to the office, I saw that Emily had left me a voice mail. "Hi, Mom - its Emily. I just wanted to let you know that its 2:00 and Im leaving for work. Ill see you later. I love you. Bye!"

I listened to the message with my finger perched over the "delete" button on the phone. I started to push it, then I hesitated. I thought, "What if Emily gets killed in a car accident tonight, and this is the last time I will hear her voice? Ill be sorry later that I deleted it." I realized that it was just a morbid thought, and deleted the message.

I had been having thoughts like that for about 18 months. Every time she would leave the house, I would grab her and hug her and say, "I love you! I would die for you!" I always wanted it to be the last thing I said to her, just in case she died in a car accident. I did not treat my other family members this way - just Emily.

When she left to go to work that day, she never came home again.

Wednesday, July 2 - If we had not had the window air conditioner running, we would have been awakened by the sirens at 1:00 am. About a mile from our house, Emily, alone in her compact car and on her way home, swerved to miss a deer and lost control of the car. Her car went into a yaw, and spun into a telephone pole on the passengers front door. The car wrapped around the pole and the pole struck her head.

We got the call at 2:15 am. We rushed to the hospital to find our daughter in a deep coma. She had brain surgery that day, but it was no use. She never woke up, and around 6:00 pm, the doctor told us that Emily had experienced brain death. We went to sleep at my fathers house, because all the beds at my house, including mine, were occupied by family members from out of town who had rushed in to be with us.

Thursday, July 3 - Around 4:00 am, after not sleeping, I told my husband that we were going back to the hospital. We spent all day there, waiting for all the arrangements to be made for the four men who would receive Emilys vital organs. Between Wednesday and Thursday, there were at least 100 family members and friends in and out and just hanging around. At noon, the hospital told everyone to leave so that they could prepare Emily for surgery. Bill and Barry and I stayed.

Later that afternoon, we invited Emilys fiance to return and he came back for an hour or so.

In the evening, I held Emily in my arms one last time and told her about the surgery. I was so afraid that there was a chance that she was still "in there" but couldnt communicate with us and that she was terrified. All I could do was tell her not to be afraid and that she was going to go to heaven and be with God, and that it was going to be all right.

Finally, around 11:30 pm, we said goodbye and went home.

Friday, July 4 - I did not sleep. I stayed awake and called the hospital several times throughout those hours to see how the surgery was going. A wonderful nurse told me details and let me know when Emilys heart stopped beating. They removed her from life support just before dawn on the 4th of July, 1997.

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The Unintentional Branding of a Widow

As my Aunt Christine said, you feel like you walk around with a big W tattooed on your forehead, where everyone can notice it.

I dont think that people do it intentionally, but you still do it. You look at us like were lepers. A big W tattoo on our foreheads makes us untouchable, yet you act so sympathetic too.

And I hate it. I hate hate hate it.

Do you know how irritating it is to hear "Im sorry", "How are you?" over and over and over and over, again and again? The sound or sight of those words are like nails on a chalkboard to me now. I dont want to hear them. Saying "Im sorry" is not going to make me feel better, its not going to bring Barry back for the kids and I, its not going to make dealing with life insurance people and hospital bills any easier. It doesnt do anything but annoy me now. And how do you think I am? I just LOST MY HUSBAND. Sorry I cant be Mrs Happy Go Lucky anymore, but Im a WIDOW and IM GRIEVING.

And while Im on the topic, why not say hello instead of just staring at me? Am I that untouchable that I seem contagious? Why not just carry a yard stick with you so you can just poke me when I come too close.

Not everyone has been this way, but I have noticed it. Its hurtful, and frustrating. And if you do know me personally, please, please, think of some other way to talk to me other than saying youre sorry, or asking how I am.

That is all.

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A River of Tears

In the last 4 months and 10 days I feel like I have cried enough to fill a river.

There have been different tears at different times, but they all come from grief.

Tears the first night, when I woke up at 5AM on October 11th, from pure grief and exhaustion. I woke myself up by crying in my sleep, just laying there in my bed, wrapped in Barrys t-shirt, my head on his pillow and sobbing to myself as I laid there.

Tears the first whole month because I just didnt know what to do.

Tears on October 21st when Kiro 7 came to interview me

I dont even remember if I cried at the hospital. I am sure I did, but my body was running on such adrenaline that I dont remember much. I remember yelling and screaming. I have used tissues that I kept to prove that I cried, but I dont remember crying.

Tears of sorrow last night as I started packing. Never did I know how emotional it would be. I picked up a box from the pile I got at Borders, taped up the bottom, and grabbed the first book from the shelf.

Instant tears.

I really did not know that the emotions would hit me as they did last night, but I could not stop crying as I filled that box up. Then the next, and the next, and the next. I packed five boxes last night crying the entire time. I am excited to move into our new house, but sad because we are leaving this home we had with Barry.

I cried as I found pictures of Barry as a child that I forgot I had. I cried as I looked through each one. Our son looks so much like his daddy, and I cried about that too.

I cried as I found a birthday card I had written him for his 26th birthday, and one he had written for me too, for what I am guessing was that same year.

Sobs of pure grief poured out of me. Tears even now roll down my cheeks as I write this post.

I think it might finally be hitting me. My tears seem different now. They are so much more full of sorrow than they were before. Is this what grief is? I thought I had experienced it all already. Perhaps not.

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Happy Birthday To me!!

Today I turn 31!

It feels a bit weird, but no different than any other year.  Ive gotten spoiled already by  the kids today,  with a box of my favorite Seattles Best Chocolates, a Joby Gorillapod SLR Zoom, and a Quantaray QSX Ultra 4STM Tripod/monopod.  I also bought myself a new camera backpack, remote and a few minor things.  All photography goodies :) And I couldnt be happier!!

As per usual, here is my birthday song:



Barry played that for me on my last birthday, and I wrote about it last year in remembrance of him. It was really weird to wake up with James this morning, as it is the first birthday with him.  The last birthday I had with anyone was with Barry, so it screwed with my head a bit.

Since we are leaving in just 2.5 days, I wont be posting here before, so look for some pictures and a blog post when we get back.  Now Im off to enjoy the rest of my birthday, and put together my camera backpack that just arrived by UPS.

Please think of us on the 25th, that is the day we are spreading Barrys ashes.

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30 Days of Photo Fun

So, I found this awesome amazing site on the Internet called Pinterest and I have totally fallen in love with it.  Ive been using it to "pin" wedding ideas for James and I, things I like, yummy food I want to make etc etc.  While Ive been burning up my Kitchen Aid mixer, I also found this photo challenge that I want to do.

30 Days of Photo Fun 

I started today with a picture of me...and well, I tried my Canon 60D, I tried my Canon SX230HS, and my iPhone 4 from Verizon.  The first two cameras took awful photos of me, or else I just cant take a self portrait in the mirror.  Probably that one.  I fail at it.  So the iPhone it was.  So here is my 1st Photo of Me!

Thats me in all my glory this afternoon.  Youll notice I am not wearing foundation, only a bit of cover up, eye liner and mascara.  My face was oily when I took this, but whatever.  I also have more lines around my eyes, ever since Barry died.  And more grey hair, but that is in hiding right now lol.  Tomorrow Ill be posting my favorite shoes! or a few of them ;)

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7 Things to Be Happy About

Bad days happen, but when a bad day turns into a full on funk, something has to be done. Sometimes when we are caught up in worry and stress, we stop living in the moment and we focus on things in the past or things in the future that are out of our control. Theres a lot of uncertainty in the past and future, so when we stop living in the moment we have a hard time finding things to be happy about. We become so unsure of what we have done and what were going to do that we poison ourselves with negativity. If youre in a funk, if youve stopped living in the moment, this is your reminder that life is beautiful and here are 7 things you should be overwhelmingly happy about.

You Are Beautiful
Truly, I mean it. "But Lowery, you cant see me through a computer screen." Right, reader. I cant. But I do know a couple things about you.
1. You can smile.
2. You have talents and attributes unique to you.
Both of those things make you incredibly beautiful. If you can recognize these things, youre miles ahead of a lot of people in the world. Recognizing your beauty is simple, it just starts with smiling.

There Are People Out There Who Love You
Maybe they are far away, maybe you cant reach them right this minute. But there is someone somewhere who is so happy that you are who you are and that you exist. Know that. Remember that. Give yourself the same patience, love and understanding that they give you. Chances are there is someone you will encounter during your day who is willing to bend an ear or share a smile, and that is something to be happy about.

Hot Showers and Bubble Baths

Youve been freaking out lately over stuff you cant change. You need to relax. Take a bath or a hot shower and soak up the steam. Live in this moment. You are alone, and theres no one bothering you. All you need to worry about is not getting soap in your eye. While youre in there, feel free to belt out some Celine Dion. Trust me. Its therapeutic.

Progress
Celebrate the little victories. Maybe you got through a whole day without spilling food on your shirt. Maybe you woke up on time and made it to work five minutes early. Victories. If you are working on things that are getting you closer to a goal, like eating healthier to lose weight, or studying hard to get a 4.0, those are victories. And you deserve to celebrate and be happy for your progress.

No Matter Where You Are, It Could Always Be Worse
If you take a step back and examine the facts, youll realize that things arent so bad. Youre alive, for starters. I am willing to bet that you can easily name 100 things youre grateful for more quickly than you can name 100 things that are ruining your life. I can say that Im pretty blessed. I have a family who loves me, I have a job, I have transportation, I have a lot of modern conveniences. My life could be a helluvah lot worse, and because its not that is something to be happy about.

Tomorrow Can Always Be Better
You decide whether or not you have a good day or a bad day. Its not events that happen to you, and its not people you encounter. Its completely your attitude toward different life situations. So if you decide that tomorrow will be better, it will be better. You cant control what happens to you but you can control how you handle it. Instead of lashing out, put on your headphones and turn on Pharrell.

Possibilities
You know whats really amazing? You can pretty much do anything you set your freaking mind to. The possibilities are endless. Want to run a marathon? You can do it. You want to lose weight? You can do it. You want to become someone new? You can do it. The possibilities for you and your life are incredible. This moment youre in, this funk, its temporary. And if you want to be happy, its completely possible.

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In Honor Of My Husband

I just wanted to post this link really quick, and then I will be back to write later about this song and its meaning to Barry and his life..



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The lyrics to this song are

O Fortune
like the moon you are changeable
ever waxing and waning
hateful life
First oppresses and then soothes as fancy takes it;
poverty, power
it melts them like ice.
Fate- monstrous and empty
you whirling wheel, you are malevolent.
Well being is in vain and always fades to nothing
shadowed and veiled you plague me too;
now through the game I bring my bare back to your villainy.
Fate is against me in health and virtue,
driven on and weighed down always enslaved.
So at this hour without delay pluck the vibrating strings;
Since Fate strikes down the strong man; everyone weep with me!

Thank you to the anonymous reader that gave me the link to this on YouTube! I have looked at it before, but just the other day found it again and really listened/read the lyrics. It is so ironic that these words speak of him so well, how fate really did strike down the strong man. It just screams Barry! And how fitting since this was one of his favorite songs.

Throughout the years of our marriage we got the chance to talk about death a lot. He mentioned often how he always wanted this song played when they "carried him out", and in this case, he was carried out in his urn. We played the music so loud in Hope Chapel when he was taken out, he was taken out in a blaze of glory. I did it for him, I did what he wanted, and it made me so happy to do that.

I think it is so interesting how music can literally etch certain memories into your mind. Even the first few notes of a song just bring you back in time to that EXACT moment. I have one song that Barry loved, and I found to play at his service that was just perfect. It was an Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt song about love, obviously, and I had it played as I walked up to the podium to speak about him at his service. When I hear the music start I can think only of myself, walking up the aisle to the podium, my "speech" clenched in my hand, and just crying and smiling at the same time. Knowing I was about to say goodbye to my husband, and tell everyone what a wonderful man he was.

Another thing that is etched into my mind is the time 11:11AM. My eyes always seem to glance at the clock at that time. Not every day, but quite often lately it has been happening. 11:11 is the time that he died. The time the Dr stopped the CPR and called the time of death. The time my life was forever and completely changed.

Barry, today is a sad day and I have been crying off and on most of the morning. I miss you so much sexy man! I wish I could be happy. Sometimes I feel like I am getting happy again, and then I just feel destitute the next moment. Im so lonely! I really really miss you honey. And I love you so much.

Ill always love you less than three.

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A Tale of Two Birthday Cards

The Twins will be 9 on Monday. 9 years old already, I cant believe it.

While I was out today, I stopped by Target to get a few things. I realized then that I had to get the presents today, or else Im screwed. We have a busy weekend ahead of us. I was all ready to check out, with my cart full of presents, power ade and other random useless crap you always pick up at Target, when I realized I had forgotten to get the twins their birthday cards. I will be honest, and admit that I forgot their birthday was coming up until they reminded me early this week. How could I forget? Easily enough, weve been so wrapped up with everything else that I plum forgot until they reminded me.

I ran over to the card section, and picked out two plain Jane cards for 9 year olds. I put them back though, because I felt they werent personal enough. In the aisle with me was a woman who was the card vendor, and I asked her where the cards were from "Mommy and Daddy", she pointed me in the right direction, and I just couldnt buy a card from "Mommy and Daddy". It was too hard. I picked up a card for each of them, that was "for my son/daughter love mom".

And wouldnt you know, I started sobbing in the card aisle. Right in the middle of target, I was crying because of birthday cards. I was crying because of Barry dying. I was crying because I was thinking I couldnt sign the cards "Love Mommy and Daddy" anymore. I still will though, I will ALWAYS sign the cards that way, no matter what type of card it is.

I think that Monday will be a hard day, it will be the very first birthday we are celebrating without Barry. He died the day of Es 7th birthday party, but he was still alive on her birthday. He even wrote in her birthday card, "Happy Birthday Sweetheart, Love Daddy". I insisted he do that the day he was extubated, because we knew he would not be present at her birthday party. Barry wasnt always present at the kids birthdays, he missed occasional birthdays and parties because of his work schedule. We tried to avoid it as much as possible, but sometimes it was inevitable.

I am sad that we actually have to celebrate this first birthday without him. Its not like hes working, hes actually DEAD. Why? I am overwhelmed to be completely honest. I dont know how I will handle the party. I might have to ask a couple of the moms to stay and help, because I have never done a big party like this without him. Last year we did a combined birthday for the twins at a local bowling alley, but he was there to help.

This year I decided that all the kids would have awesome birthday parties. I booked the twins at a local gymnastics gym, and well have close to 20 kids there I think? If all the kids invited come, then we will have 22 with all of mine! On Monday I am going to take all the kids out to a local pizza buffet we like for dinner, they are stoked and cant wait to go.

Hopefully Monday will be OK for us. I hope we dont cry too much, or that I dont cry too much, remembering with love, the family member that is now missing from our lives on that most important day.

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Sleepless Ramblings Of A New Homeowner

Its the wee hours of the morning and I am laying here in my bed, typing on my laptop, as sleep will not overcome me. again.

Ive been having this problem for awhile now. It comes and goes really, and was really very bad just a few short months ago when I was still in shock from losing Barry. And now its resurfacing: being tired, but restless, and unable to settle down and sleep. My mind going a million miles a minute, while my eyes burn from lack of shut-eye.

I took a Valerian root capsule and I am hoping that helps. At least I can be happy that I am laying in bed, and it was just shortly after midnight when I started typing this, rather than last night when I wasnt in bed till well after 2AM.

Today was my first full day of being an official homeowner!! Monday afternoon I got the call from my Realtor about 3:34 PM saying that the title had FINALLY recorded at County, and that the house was mine. HOORAY!! After the kids got home from school, my mom and I and the kids went over to the house to bring some stuff over. It was the first time I had been in the house without my Realtor, and it felt so surreal. I almost didnt feel right about it, because for the past month, I have only been in the house with him. And Ill be honest, I am going to miss him! He has done so much for me the past couple months weve been working together, and weve seen each other often. But I will be seeing him again, because he is going to be helping me with changing the garage door code, an getting me the mailbox key etc etc. Essentially, he is my "Barry" right now. He is doing a lot of the guy stuff for me that I havent delegated to my friend Jason, or my girlfriends husbands.

As I walked into the house yesterday afternoon, I made sure to put something very special on the fireplace mantle. It was the first official item that was placed in the house after it was in my name. And that item was the American flag that I was presented at Barrys funeral. It now sits ensconced in a cherry and glass triangular case, upon my mantle. I had actually thought about bringing Barrys Urn to put on top of there, but I decided against it because I didnt want to leave him in the house by himself! And yes, I laughed about that.

So now begins yet another chapter in our lives: A new house, new memories, new friends.

New Beginnings.

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The One About The Oxygen Mask

Many of you know the ordeal that I went through this past Monday. If not, I shall share...I had all four of my Wisdom teeth taken out.

They had been bugging me for years, and the bottom right one still hadnt pushed all the way through, and was coming in sideways, so I decided it was time to get them removed. I wasnt that scared of getting my teeth pulled, but more of being put out for the entire surgery.

When I arrived there on Monday morning, I was instructed to change into a gown. Wait, why do I have to wear a gown? Well, I did anyway. So I walked down the hallway in my hospital gown, yoga pants and sneakers. No bra! haha. I also had a hair net thingy magiggy on my head. They really take things seriously at Dr. Jacksons office!

I was sitting in the chair and they were prepping me for the surgery, and for some reason I started to talk about Barry. Why? Why did I start to talk about him? I think for me right now it is a coping mechanism, I tend to do it when I am nervous. They put a cuff on my arm to take my blood pressure and keep it on while I was under. Well, I was so nervous that my blood pressure was 161/120! That is way too high. I remember remarking to the nurses how amazing it was how different situations affect your body more than you know, and little did I know, but talking about Barry was raising my blood pressure. I was able to calm myself down thankfully, by taking deep breaths and just thinking peaceful things.

Then I got the oxygen mask.

I got scared, and very anxious. Tears were squeezing out of the corners of my eyes.

I wasnt scared for myself, I was scared for Barry. Knowing that he went through this, that he had an oxygen mask on his face almost constantly for a week. And I hated knowing that I was goign through the same thing. I started to get panicky, even more so after Dr Jackson put the IV in my hand. It hurt.

Its the same scenario as I had with the face masks during my Grief Works group. Just the mere sight of these items makes me anxious. To be honest, I dont know that I will ever recover from that. What I went through in October is one of the most traumatic events someone can ever go through, to be there at your loved ones side as they take their last breath. To see them incapacitated in the hospital, helpless and at the mercy of life. Hooked up to so many machines you cant even count them. Hearing so many beeps and different sounds. It will forever be etched into my mind. Always. I will never forget, and I am almost positive that it will always affect me, for the rest of my life.

So you can imagine how I felt having an oxygen mask on my face, and an IV in my hand.

I remember remarking to the nurses how relaxed I was starting to feel after Dr Jackson put the IV in, haha. Something about how I liked morphine when I had my c-sections. I remember talking about the oxygen mask and my blood pressure and being scared, and that it would be something to blog about. Then the last thing I remember is Dr Jackson putting the IV in and telling me hed be giving me something to relax me.

I woke up in recovery! I dont know how long I was out for, maybe a half hour? I tell ya, it was so worth being put out. I have recovered pretty well, no swelling or bruising. Today was the first day I was able to eat real food though, and Ive taken it pretty easy still. My teeth still hurt, and I am still taking my drugs. I forgot to do my salt water rinses until today...oops! But I already have soft tissue growing back, so I think I should be OK.

I hope one day I can get over my fear of anything hospital related, but I dont think I will. It will be with me for always, Im sure.

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Blogging Break

As shown by my recent lack of posting, I havent had much to talk about in our lives.  

Life has slowed down dramatically for us, since we havent been busy with moving, and we are just enjoying living in this new house.

Life is good right now, and I am enjoying it.  Ive passed the 7 month mark, and I feel different.  I feel less grief most of the time, and I feel more at peace with what has happened to us.  Last night for the first time, I was able to say to someone, frankly and bluntly..."Barry is dead, and hes not coming back".  I need to get on with my life!

We have some exciting events happening in the next month!  The kids got accepted into their grief camp, so we have the welcoming pizza party for that on the 26th, and then they go to camp June 11-13.  Im going to see Jim Norton in Seattle on the 28th, which I am extremely excited for.  I plan to take a sharpie and have him sign my boobage! Yes, I totally am going to do that! And this upcoming week, I will be booking our trip to Florida, so that is going to take some time for me too, with all the logistics of car rentals, and hotels and flights etc etc. 

I dont feel that I have anything to write right now, so I am going to take a break from blogging.  Not long Im sure, I just didnt want to leave this blog unattended, and have everyone wonder where I am.  Im here, just living!   Ill be back soon!! 

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The Story of How You Died

To all my wonderful readers, friends and family.

I cant do it, and I am sorry.  I know I promised you all that I would write the story of how Barry passed, but I cant.  I started to write it October 4th, and managed to get up to the point where it started to go downhill, but I cant write the rest.

I am scared, and the mere thought of writing it makes my heart race.  I am just not ready.  I can recall everything in my head down to the last minute detail, but the actual task of really making myself recall everything wont be happening.  I know its partly because I dont want to break down, I dont want to cry right now, I just dont want to.  I will do it eventually for the kids.  I also got to thinking that maybe I shouldnt spill Barrys secrets on the internet.  He was a very private person, and I just think maybe I should keep this for the family.  Im not trying to use that as a cop out, I promise.  I just really dont want to portray him in any other light than what he deserves...

An amazing husband and father, and not the sickest patient at our hospital.

I will write my final "Dear Barry" letter tomorrow night.  I wanted to do it at 11:11AM, but Im going to be out all day.  Im getting a pedicure with my girlfriend, going out for tea after lunch with another girlfriend, and then taking the kids out to Barrys favorite restaurant for dinner.  Trying to keep as busy as possible.

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30 Days of Photo Fun Day 2

Today I am supposed to share a picture of my favorite shoes.  While I do have many shoes that I love wearing, my favorites right now being my sketchers, I will show a picture of my all time favorite ones to wear.  And I have a few of them.  I do need a couple more colors though!  Can I also say, I about had a meltdown trying to figure out how to watermark my photo.  I seriously almost cried.  Really.  But google helped, and with a wonderful tutorial I was able to do it.

Without further ado:

Though you cant see the colors, they are from Left to Right, black, red, grey and purple.  Most of them are from Target because I cant bear to pay almost $40 for one pair of chucks.  The purple ones are the All stars.

I really fail at cooking dinner on time, so I need to go feed the horde.  But before I do that, I wanted to share that I thought of Barry today while I was driving home from picking up our daughter from school.  It just struck me that it feels like yesterday that he died.  Almost like he just left to go to work and was back on the road.  It almost made me feel like I was living a double life.  Because it still feels like hes around, and though he isnt here physically, he was still "there".  I dont feel his presence much anymore, but once in awhile I know he checks in on us.  I still cant believe that Ive been on this widow journey for almost two years now.  Isnt it amazing how fast time flies?

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