Until late this afternoon, when we were eating dinner and had a crying fest at the table. All five of us, crying, while we ate our dinner. Me saying that if I could I would do everything in my power to bring back daddy, but that I couldnt no matter how hard I wished for it.
I wish I knew how to make the kids feel better. I wish I could take away their pain. I wish I could get through to the boy and help him, because he is struggling as he wont share his feelings, and gets angry. I wish I could explain why he died, why he left us, but I cant. I dont have the words to do any of that. I just dont know how to make them feel better.
I wish that our family counseling was starting sooner, but we have to wait till November 12th. Next week. We can wait that long I guess. I really hope it helps the kids, because I just dont have the resources to help them through this. I am trying, but I guess I am not doing a good enough job. I think the problem is that as Mommy, I am also having to bear all the responsibility. So that means I am the one who has to handle the day to day stuff, and I cant be sad all the time, I cant grieve every single day, and I cant cry all the time. I wonder if that is having a negative effect on the kids, them not seeing me grieve, but what can I do? I have to be strong for them.
My grieving is done through my blog, through my chats with my friends and siblings and mom. Its in private, and away from the kids most of the time. Its at night when I say goodnight to him, and that I love him, and sometimes cry myself to sleep. Its hard for the baby too though, because if she sees me crying and sad all the time, she is as well. Shes very intuitive, and I dont want her to pick up on my emotions.
Being Mommy though has its disadvantages. And by saying "Mommy", I mean the one who has to be responsible and strong for the kids. Because I have to hide my feelings a lot, I find it sneaks up on me and I feel panicky and anxious at the most random times. I have to tell myself "Yes, he is gone, I love him and miss him, but there is nothing I can do to bring him back". I have to calm myself down and realize that I CAN do this, though I might not want to. I have to tell myself that its ok to be scared, ok to want to scream because I feel like Im in the worse nightmare possible, that its OK to feel everything. And I do want to scream sometimes because I am so very frightened to do this without him. It is/was my worst fear ever to be alone without him, and now I am living the nightmare.
Well, nightmares, crying, sadness, anger, and all that other crap aside, we had fun Trick or Treating last night. Yesterday it rained off and on and I was really worried Id have to take the kids to a crowded Halloween Party. But the sun prevailed, and we were left with fantastic TOTing weather. The kids filled about 5 of those Halloween Pumpkin buckets worth of candy!! We must have hit a pretty affluent area, because a LOT of the homes gave out full size candy bars. I let the kids have full run of their candy for the first few days or so, just to get it out of their system, and then the interest slowly goes away. Theyre already getting sick of it! lol
So, heres to a new month. November already! Can you believe it?
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