Im Scared

Last night when James and I went to bed, I lay there with my mind wandering.  He was laying beside me, and fast asleep, while I was cozy in bed and feeling that warm fuzzy feeling that means sleep is overtaking you.  But I was also thinking about this blog, and that I need to write more often.

One of the things I thought about was that I had to eventually write about the day Barry died.

Its been almost 17 months and I still havent written it all down.  The awful, heart wrenching, tear filled memories of October 10th 2009.  

As I lay there in bed, I felt sleep slip away from me as my mind filled with the horrible thoughts of that day.  Thinking about how I would write it down in the blog, but also remembering little details like hearing the doctors say they couldnt find a heart rhythm.  And hearing the monitor go flat when they stopped.  Seeing the white patches on his chest from them shocking him.  Thats all I can handle writing right now.

Immediately I felt my eyes fill up with tears, and I thought, I cant deal with this right now.  Im not ready to write about it, Im not ready to talk about it, I just want to block it from my memory.  Maybe its different with another "death scenario", with someone who hasnt been by their spouses side as they die, but just heard the news over the phone or some other way.  Someone who hasnt seen the person they love die in their arms in really tragic circumstances.  For me though, it was the very worst day of my life, and I will forever be scarred by those events, memories.  They always will haunt me.

I didnt want to remember anymore last night, I was getting more and more upset with each passing thought, so I reached my hand over and shook James awake.  I asked him to hug me, and he lay there in bed holding me as I collected my thoughts, and calmed down as best as I could.  My heart rate slowed down, I felt more relaxed, and I thanked him for being there for me.  Then I rolled over and read my kindle for a few minutes before I couldnt keep my eyes open anymore.

The truth is, I am scared.  I am so scared to write about that day, and I know Ive been avoiding it.  There is no timeline for when I have to do it, I dont ever have to if I dont want to, but I know I should... I just need to remember.  Its the same reason I took pictures of Barry after he passed away.  I have those hidden away on the computer somewhere where I never look at them.  Call it morbid curiosity, but I HAD to do that.  I had to.  And I just have to write about that entire day, and I will some day, but Im just not ready yet.

Im scared.

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