Nine Months In

Its Thursday night, almost 10PM, on July 8th, and I started to write this post early.  I have so many thoughts going through my head right now about what life was like 9 months ago.

Nine months ago today (Thursday), Barry was taken off the ventilator.  Coincidentally, it was also a Thursday.  It was also our daughter Es 7th Birthday that day.  Tomorrow, 9 months ago, will have been the day I didnt want to go visit Barry because he was so cranky from the sedation, but went anyway because my mom told me I would regret it if I didnt.  Nine months ago tomorrow, will also mark 9 months that I had got my long awaited sewing machine that I just cant bare to open yet.  I dont know why, but I just cant do it. I look at it every day, but the box sits unopened in my office area.

Ive thought about something else a lot too, and that thought is...is my life better without Barry?  That is a very hard question for me to answer, because I can argue both sides.  Is my life better without him? If I want to argue the "No" side, it would be because he is gone. No, life is not better, because he is no longer with us.  He is gone, and I am a single mom with four children to raise on my own.  No, because I miss him terribly, and I cry for him, and hes not here for me to talk to.  Hes not here to help me raise the kids, to love us, to be with us.  Hes GONE. And life simply is not better because of that.

But if I were to say Yes, life is better because he is gone, I would feel guilty for answering that way.  But honestly, I can say that some aspects of life are better because he is gone. First off, I have lost weight. I know that I wouldnt have really lost the weight if he was still here.  I may have tried and tried, but I would have given up just as many times.  But now, I really have lost weight.  Ive lost about 75lbs!  I also have a house now.  We didnt know when we would ever own again, and now we have a (possibly) forever home thanks to him.  I also have so many more friends now.  The vast majority of these friends came into my life after Barry died, and they in a sense have become part of my family.  Rebecca, Jason, Greg, Christy and so many others.  I wouldnt have met these wonderful people if Barry was still around.  They have helped somewhat to fill the void that Barry left.

There are so many different answers to these two questions, I cant just pin it down.  9 months ago I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would be where I am today.  9 months ago I was in a hospital room with my husband, expecting him to come home the following Monday. Now 9 months in, Im a widow, I have a house, Im financially secure, Im thinner, I have more friends, and I miss my husband.

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