Struggling Today

Today I wish it wasnt a holiday, and that I could send the kids on the bus to school again. They have been so bratty today, and I am about to lose my mind. I live for when theyre at school, is that bad? At least right now, I want them at school. Honestly, I cant handle them right now, and I am so tired of the fighting, yelling, and bitching at each other. Theyre all so antagonistic towards each other. Maybe I need to tie their legs together so they can just walk as one, and not 4.

Today I am so BORED. There is so much to do around the house, but I have been hit with a tendinitis flare up, and even typing this is hard. So putting together that shelving unit I bought yesterday, is going to have to wait. As is all the detailed work like folding laundry, and cleaning. Im basically left with one hand, my right one, to do everything. I dont want to read, I dont want to watch TV, the Internet is boring, the kids are bratty, today sucks. I was thinking of heading to Wall*Hell today, but I am not about to take all the kids to a store to hear them whine about not getting toys, and running all over the place. Plus, I have a cold too, so not being able to breathe through my nose is pretty awful. I woke up at one point during the night because I couldnt breathe.

Today also marks Month Two. Today we started a new month without Barry. I think it is really starting to hit me, and I have been a lot more weepy lately. I just miss him so much! I still dont know how I am going to go on without him. I am, but I dont know how. Sure, its easy to say moment by moment, but do you know sometimes I wish I could just end all this and be with him. I dont relish the thought of being without my husband for the rest of my life. I dont want the added responsibility that comes with being an "official" single parent.

Most of all, I am so tired of hearing "Im so sorry for your loss", and "keeping you in our prayers and thoughts". ENOUGH! Just stop it already. I just want advice and support, NOT an Im sorry. And Im going to lay it all out here, I am so pissed that some of the family members didnt send cards or call. WTF, are you so into yourself and your own issues that you cant send a card? You cant even send your condolences via email or facebook? Might as well not even try now, its been a month. Just remember this when you lose someone in your life, and I conveniently forget to send a card or call. Maybe you didnt know Barry very well, or talk to him in YEARS, but shame on you for not even saying an Im sorry via a card when he died. A stamp only costs $.44 and a card about $3. Is that not worth it to you? Yeah, I know i said I was tired of the sympathy, but it just gets to me that some people, especially FAMILY, didnt care enough about us to send cards or send condolences. I think its really sad that people are so close minded that they cant take a half hour to buy, address, and send a card when someone dies.

Tomorrow our family grief support starts. I am looking forward to it. I just need to vent to other people that have experienced what I have. Im still thinking of looking into going to a shooting range. I really need to get out some aggression I think. Im also going to a grief support group on Monday, on how to prepare/survive the holidays without your loved ones.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

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