Comparing Today to Last Year

Today I am celebrating my last day of being 29, my last day in my 20s.  Without Barry.

Last year, on this day, we were preparing to go to Canada the very next day.  Barry was getting mad because the lawn was so long, and had to go to Lowes to get new lawn mower blades and a socket set.  I was packing for our upcoming trip, and it was super hot outside.  He was a little cranky, I remember that, because I had let the grass get too long while he was gone. haha.

And today, life is so incredibly different.  Im a single mom.  Im on my very last day of being 29.  I weigh 78lbs less than I did a year ago. Ive got vodka and tequila in the freezer in preparation for my sister and a friend and I to drink! lol  Im sitting inside while my kids are outside playing in the sun, taking a break from cleaning because Im going to have company all weekend.  Trying to figure out what I will be wearing tomorrow night when we go out for dinner and to the bar.

One year ago today I NEVER could never have fathomed this day.  I think if someone had told me how different life would be today compared to last year, I would have laughed hysterically.  Last year Barry and I were concerned with telling my family we were moving to Pennsylvania.  RIGHT NOW Im supposed to be in Pennsylvania, or moving there, not being here in Washington still wondering why Im having to celebrate my 29th birthday without my husband. Sorry, my DEAD husband.  Sometimes I still have trouble believing he is dead.  Really? hes DEAD? what do you mean? it just doesnt seem possible.  I cant accept it, and I dont think I ever will.  I may move on, I will fall in love again, and I will probably get remarried one day, but I will never accept the fact that he died.  Its just not fair, its not supposed to happen. I dont understand why he is dead.  Why is he dead?

To sum up the last 10 years, I still dont think how I could even fathom this day compared to 10 years ago.  On my 20th birthday, Barry and I were just barely married, I was pregnant with the twins, and we were at a flea market in Germany.  Life has changed so much in ten years, I cant even begin to imagine what the next 10 years are going to bring me.  In 10 years, I met the man of my dreams, I lived in so many houses, in 2 different countries and continents, I moved all over WA state. I weathered many financial ups and downs with Barry, supported him through many job changes, bought and sold our first house.  Got pregnant and gave birth to 4 wonderful children.  Loved Barry with all my heart, and watched him die in front of my eyes, screamed and yelled at the doctors that this wasnt real, that I wasnt a widow.  That I was too young to be a widow.  And I became a single mom. A widow.

I hope that the next 10 years of my life are better, happier.  Ive heard that the 30s are better than the 20s.   I dont know how much more heartbreak I can take. This is a big step for me, as was New Years eve.  Now Im not only starting a new decade without him, but a whole new age. My 20s will be my years with Barry, but what will my 30s be?  I know it will be a good decade for me. I just know it.  In the next ten years, we will face even more life changes... V, M and E will graduate high school and leave the house. I will have a job, and hopefully be a best selling author.  I hope I will be remarried and in love with the man of my dreams.  I hope the next 10 years are good.    But I know that if I want them to be good, i have to do my very best to make them so.

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Dinner reservations are made for tomorrow night, I have some special people coming to help me celebrate my birthday over dinner, and then my sister, our friend and I are going bar hopping.  Kind of funny, but just now my special birthday song came on as I was listening to iTunes.  Ill try write about that tomorrow.

Happy Birthday To Me!

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Guess I Should Post Today

Today was 10 months ago that Barry died.

I dont remember what I was doing 10 months ago exactly.  It was all a blur to me, and remembering what I did to pass that first evening that Barry was dead is to much work.  Im sure my mind has just blocked it out, because I remember certain things like having a glass of wine with my mom and sister the next night, and crying myself to sleep each night, and also waking up at 5AM on October 11th, crying my eyes out in my sleep.

Today I experienced something sad that I wished I could have shared with Barry.  Two and a half years ago, we put our first, and only home we owned together, on the market, because we could no longer afford it.  We landed up selling it a few months later, and moved to the house I just moved out of in April.  We loved that house so much, it broke my heart to have to sell it, but we had no choice but to sell.

On our way to dentist appointments in the same town today, I though we would stop by the old house and take a peek.  I had a friend of mine that had never seen it, so I thought wed show the house and where we used to live.  I havent driven by there in quite some time, so imagine my surprise when we noticed the house was abandoned.  Abandoned.  The yard was filled with three foot high brown grass, debris everywhere.  The backyard was even worse, it being an acre at least, and so much junk filled it.  We looked in the windows, and were greeted to sights of garbage in the house, old nasty furniture, and just general mess.  This house that we loved so much, was foreclosed on by the people that bought it from us.  Apparently, they left their dog there too, and my old neighbors landed up taking her in as their own.

The things that we loved so much about that house were just ruined. My old neighbor Shirley told me they took a gorgeous house (which was when we had it) and turned it into a crappy fixer upper. It broke my heart seeing it like that, because it was a beautiful home when we owned it.  Im sad for that house, and I have half a mind to go buy it, but I wont be.  Its not worth it because weve closed that chapter in our lives, and the memories we have in that house would be too painful to relive.  Christmases, birthdays, taking A home from the hospital to that house, the wood stove that Barry loved so much, our 400sq foot master bedroom, my custom oak cabinets in the kitchen.  I wish I could have told Barry about all this, and I knew he would figuratively "roll over in his grave", if he knew.

I dont have much else to write.  I filled up the day without even realizing it, and didnt even realize it was the 10th until 11:30 this morning.  I cant believe I forgot.


P.S...I did get a new car on July 23d.  I landed up purchasing a Silver 2011 Honda Pilot.  Im absolutely in LOVE with it.  Its fantastic and gorgeous and gets pretty good gas mileage.  I drove it off the lot with 9 miles on it!! I just LOVE it ;)

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Today

I cant think of a good heading for today, so Today it shall be.

Yesterday I went through Barrys clothes, and decided what to keep and what to get rid of. Id say were keeping a large majority of his stuff, but he didnt have a lot of stuff anyway. Most of the clothes are going to goodwill except a few select things were keeping for memories. Ill be looking for a big tote today so that I can store it all in.

With everything thats been going on, Ive failed to realize that Christmas is right around the corner. Oops! I have hardly any decorations up, but I am done with my shopping. Ok, not done, but I just have to get some stocking stuffers, and a gift for my step dad. Today I plan to get a few things, but Ive also got to focus on the rest of my decluttering, and goodwill donations. Company is coming from out of town...duh duh duh duh....in two weeks, so I really really have to get on the ball with that.

How is everyone else doing with their christmas prep? I havent even started any baking! Thats another thing I need to do, get my Christmas baking list done and do the shopping for that too.

Im feeling just a little overwhelmed.

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Today is a Good Day

I feel good today! I hope the mood sticks because Ive needed a positive day for awhile.

I went to library story time today with my youngest, and saw a friend there from the kids school. She helped orchestrate meals and donations for us, so it was nice to talk to her. Plus, story time was fun for the "baby", and it felt great to get out of the house and back into one of our routines.

Got home and my freezer was delivered. Not a big deal to some, but I have wanted a freezer for ages. I am so happy I bought one yesterday. I got a Frigidaire 9 Cf for only $250! Brand new from Lowes. Ive put some food from my fridge freezer in there, but I am anxiously awaiting my trip to Costco on Monday. I want to stock it ;o) Im going to do an inventory list as well, just have to find a good one on the internets.

Tomorrow we are going to a Trunk or Treat with a family from the kids school that invited us, and then Trick or Treating on Saturday. We have a nice full weekend planned.

Yesterday was also the day of phone calls. Two in particular with some new friends. I had a great time talking and laughing. Thank you to R and C ;o) You guys have been such a help to me, and I really appreciate it.

This doesnt make me happy, but Ive been wondering why I havent been dreaming about Barry. Not once. Its been 3 weeks almost! I thought I would have dreamed about him by now. Maybe I will once I really need it? I dont know, but it is a bit disheartening not to have those "nighttime dates". I wish I could dream about him. Its hard to believe it has been almost 3 weeks. Time has flown by since he last came home almost 4 weeks ago. Its amazing to think how much our lives changed just in the span of a week, or even a day.

I am thankful that today has been a good day so far.

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One Month Ago

I have a post in mind for today, but I wanted to say some other things first. First off, Im writing this Monday night. Its going to be a long post, so be forewarned. I dont have the ability to write this tomorrow morning because I am going to be out most of the day, and I dont want to deal with the emotions that come with writing a post like this. Im staying away from the house, and keeping busy till the kids get home so I just dont have to think. Ive also got a veterans day assembly tomorrow night to go to. I figured why not write it tonight, Monday night, when I can deal with it all and wake up and not have to worry about writing such an emotional post. I havent been able to write anything like this yet, and I certainly cant write like this in my journal right now. But I will definitely be keeping these posts for the future. Perhaps Ill even have them bound into a book. So here goes....Im even crying while writing this intro.

One more thing. I had this post publish at Barrys time of death. 11:11Am.


My Dearest Barry,

I miss you so much honey. I think about you all the time, and I love, love, love you. Ill always love you less than 3. Youre my sexy man, you mud stuffin!

One month ago, you were cruelly taken away from me and the kids. Little did I know that on that one Saturday, when I headed to the hospital, I would leave it without you forever. I wasnt even going to go to the hospital because we had to get ready for Es birthday party that afternoon, and I had to go pick up her cake at Safeway. You were going to make her a headstone cake with a candy skeleton, remember? But then when we realized youd be in the hospital for awhile, we decided Id go order one instead. Mom told me to go visit you, because it would be nice to see you earlier rather than later. Im so glad I went.

We had such a nice visit that morning. Joking, laughing, and teasing each other. I remember you were eating your breakfast when I came into your room, and the first thing you said to me was "Hey Baby". I drank some of your OJ and then gave the rest to you because I didnt want to get any germs from you. I will treasure those moments forever. Ill never forget the time that we had. I am sure you know this, because I did tell you once you were conscious, but I was at the hospital day and night. I spent hours there with you in the ICU. I talked to you, rubbed your feet, held your hand, kissed your forehead, put pictures and cards up on your wall, everything. I dont remember saying I love you that morning, but your nurse Amy, told me she had heard us say it. I know we did, we were always saying I love you to each other.

Just a short time after I got to the hospital, I dont even remember what time it was, maybe 45 minutes? you got up to go to the bathroom. Thats when it all went downhill. The nurses had me leave, and I called the family, and then they called a code blue. Dr. Christensen came to see me in the stairwell, where I was with a lovely woman named Deb, and told me they couldnt find a pulse. Did you hear me scream? I think everyone on the 10Th floor heard me scream. It made my ears ring. You always said I was too loud, Im sure you did hear me. Then I ran past Dr Christensen, and ran full speed down the hallway...I didnt even hurt my shins! I forced my way into the hospital room and was at your side. I held your hand, I kissed you, I loved on you as they performed CPR on you. You were turning blue at this point, but I know you heard me talking to you.

Do you remember me telling you how much I love you? How much of a good daddy and husband you were? How you were my best friend? How I would love you forever and always?

Dr Christensen was standing at your head, and I to your left, holding your hand. He came to stand beside me, hugging me, and telling me that they could put you on life support, but that you wouldnt wake up. That you would be a vegetable for the rest of your life because you had been without oxygen for almost 40 minutes at that point. Did you hear that? Did you hear me yell at the doctors that I wasnt a widow? That I was too young to be a widow? That this wasnt happening to me? Did you hear me say that it was OK to stop the CPR, and that I knew you wouldnt want to be a vegetable? Do you know how hard it was for me to say that? To have to know I was saying goodbye to the man I loved? I broke away from the doctor, and went to talk to you again, telling you over and over and over how much I love you, how much the kids love you, how much of a good father you have been, how much of a wonderful husband you have been. How you were my best friend, and I thanked you for sacrificing everything for us. I kissed you and hugged you.

And then they called the time of death and stopped CPR. I was there with you and said goodbye.

Everyone cleared out of the room, the nurses took me to a private room where I was able to call Lisa and Sara to be with me. I dont think I could ever thank them enough for what they did for me. About an hour and a half after you passed, I was allowed to go back into your room to say my final goodbyes. I half layed on the hospital bed beside you, Lisa and Sara put your left arm around me and helped you to hug me. They leaned on my back and just hugged me, as I hugged you. Again I said goodbye, saying all those things I said before. And to tell you again, You were my best friend Barry, I love you more than anything. I will never stop loving you for the rest of my life. I appreciate everything you ever did for us, sacrificing our family time so that you could provide for us. You were the best husband I could have asked for, the very best man I could have ever asked to spend my life with. Our children couldnt have been given a better daddy, you were the best ever!

I had Lisa and Sara leave for about 15 minutes or so, so I could be with you by myself for awhile. You know, I clipped some of your chest hair? I have it saved away. I always loved running my fingers through it. I kissed your lips, I marveled at the fact that parts of you were still warm, and I couldnt stop touching you. I just loved on you.

Telling our kids that daddy died has got to be the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my life. They miss you so much, and theyve been having a hard time. A especially because she just doesnt get it. I dont know how I can explain to her how you are never coming back. Ive tried, and I think maybe she is starting to understand, but she always says she misses you. We all miss you. We all love you. Were starting family counselling on the 12th, its geared especially towards families and kids that have lost someone like we have. And I am going to a grief support group starting in January, my good friend Rebecca, whom you never got to meet, is going to watch A for me once a week when I go. I think it will be good for me.

I think you would be so proud of me for how I have handled everything this past month. Ive been so strong, despite the fact that my heart is breaking. Ive done more paperwork than I could have ever imagined, I took care of your trip packs, I did all the insurance paperwork, I took care of the funeral arrangements. Ive really stepped up and I know you always wanted me to make something of myself, and I have really taken the first steps towards that. Im even thinking of writing a book! Everyone has told me how well I can write, I never knew that! It was always you who had that talent in our family. I respond by saying how sad it is that such a tragedy had to happen to make the words flow. But I can do it, and I am good at it!

People have blessed the kids and I considerably. With food, monetary donations, and cards, and love, and friendship. More than I could ever have asked for. And you have blessed us too Barry. I know we didnt expect that life insurance to ever have to be used, but thank you for that. Thank you so very very much for getting that, and seeing to provide for the kids and I after you passed.

I still sleep with your t-shirt under my pillow, and your pillow between my knees. Once in awhile I will wear it, and also wear your deodorant to bed, so the shirt smells like you. I cleaned out your truck, and guess what I found? Your black beanie cap! You also left me close to $80 in change!!! Mike always said you were bad for that, and was he ever right! Doug and Dusty came to your funeral, did you know that? And Jeff N came to pick up your truck shortly after that. it was so hard to see it being driven away, I recorded it with my blackberry, and had Jeff pull the air horn a few times so we could hear it.

At your funeral, did you hear the songs that I picked? I went through your iTunes on your (now my) lap top, and picked the top 4 songs I knew you liked. I know the two you wanted the most, Mars for when the service was starting, and O Fortuna for when it was ending and you were being taken out. You told me you wanted that, and I did it for you baby. Im glad we were able to talk about that over the years, because it made me so happy to be able to do that for you. And O Fortuna, Barry that is YOUR song! When Mom, Maegen and I were going through the songs, we started laughing when I played it for them. Its so pompous, arrogant...its you! It is the epitome of you, and I love you for that.

Barry, I love you. You are, and always will be, the man of my dreams. I have loved you since I was 18 years old! The 10 years that we were married, and the 11 that we knew each other were the best of my life. You gave me the best decade of my life! You were my first love, my first everything, and I will never forget you. I could write so much more, but my fingers are getting sore, and I will leave more for another day.

If I could ask you one more question, one last request of you, could you please come visit me in my dreams? I miss you, and I so desperately want to dream of you. To see you in the flesh, to touch you, to hear your voice telling me you love me.

Goodbye for now!

I love you Sexy Man!

Love, Me
xoxoxoxp

p.s. I finally bought that camera. haha :o)

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Eleven Years Ago Today

This week has been pretty hard.  Grief is like that though, it comes in waves, and sometimes you get hit by a giant tsunami, and other times just a little wake. Im not quite sure where I am this week, dont know how to classify how Im feeling, but it hasnt been an easy week.

Yesterday for the first time in ages, I was sobbing into Barrys t-shirt, my tears soaking the cotton as I tried to calm down but could not. That was the last t-shirt he ever wore, for those of you who dont know. Ive never washed it, and I dont think I ever will.

Ive also noticed that my attitude has been pretty damn shitty lately. Ive been a bit of a cranky bitch to everyone.  Though that could be due to having my period at the same time, but I know that grief is a big factor in my attitude right now.  I tend to get that way before certain days, and not even realize it till the day is upon us, or has already passed.  Even today I just HAD to be out of the house, had to be gone, had to be busy doing everything and anything.

11 years ago today, Barry and I met for the very first time in person, and it was also the day he proposed to me!  At this point in our relationship, I was living in Edmonton AB, and he was in Wiesbaden Germany, stationed there in the Army.  I was visiting my mom in Abbotsford, BC, and he his mom in Port Angeles, WA.  We both agreed to meet in Victoria BC and spend the day together.

I dont remember what time I arrived in Victoria that morning, but it was pretty early on in the day.  I took the ferry from Vancouver to Victoria, and the greyhound to downtown Victoria from the ferry terminal.  I was so incredibly nervous to finally meet him after talking for 9 months.  And the funny thing is, I had never seen a picture of him.  Never! he did send me one once, but it was lost in the mail.  But I was so in love with this man that I knew even if he was hideous, I would still say yes if he asked me to marry him.

As I sat there on a bench in front of The Empress Hotel, I kept glancing across the Victoria harbor waiting for Barrys ferry to arrive.  I waited, and waited, and waited. And then I saw a young man walking down the road.  And I knew it was him. My heart knew it was him. He crossed the street, walked up the path to the front of the hotel, and as I stood up, shoved his military ID card in my face so I would know it was him.  That was a mere moment, as we then hugged and hugged and hugged. Finally, we met.  We had gone through so much to meet that day, and it was finally happening.

We spent the rest of that day together, sightseeing around Victoria and just spending time together.  Towards the end of the day, we landed up in the Rose Garden in front of the hotel.  We were laying there in the grass, and I was getting impatient because Barry hadnt proposed to me yet.  He had told me before we met that he was going to propose to me, and I had waited all day.  We were basically engaged already, just had to make it official.  So, my spunky self finally asked Barry if he was going to ask me to marry him.  I told him I was tired of waiting! LOL  and shortly after that he asked me to stand up, and he got down on one knee.

Holding my hands in his, Barry told me I made him the happiest man on earth, and he wanted to make me the happiest woman on earth (the only two things I remember that he said haha).  And then he asked me to marry him.  And i said yes.

We parted ways shortly after that, unfortunately, as we only had one day together.  And then we both went back to our lives, he  to Germany, and I to Edmonton.  And then 3.5 months later, on December 29th, 1999, we were married in Wiesbaden, Germany.  The day we were married, was the 15th day we spent together in person.  Yes, you read that correctly, we only spent two weeks together  in person before we were married.

The day we got engaged was one of the best days of my life.  I met the man of my dreams, and got engaged in the very same day!  Not many women can say that can they? I truly was a lucky woman to find such a man like Barry.

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Post 700!!!

Well, I couldnt really think of a better title than that.  I need to celebrate 700 posts on this blog! WooHoo!!

Ive been asked recently when I was going to post again, and my first thought was "I dont know, I dont really feel like writing".  But maybe I need to, I think so at least. Writing helps me deal with my feelings, and it is so beneficial to get those out on "paper".

Im doing a bit better since my last post, but Im still dealing with a lot of those emotions that I mentioned, being frustrated and angry at couples, and bitter at my situation.  It has passed for the most part. I still havent called the counselor.  Not on purpose, but because I have been so pre-occupied right lately.  Youll also notice that on the 10th, I purposely did NOT post.  I did not want to post.  I didnt want to be reminded that Barry had been dead for 11 months.  I find it so hard to believe that it has been that long already.  How different my life is this September, compared to last year when Barry was still healthy at this time.  He got sick shortly after though, I remember him being sick for a couple weeks.  You know what the sad thing is, I was really worried about him.  I was scared for him.  I had a bad feeling, but I couldnt put my finger on it.  I was afraid he would die, and I told him that.  I was very scared, but why was I so worried? It was just the flu, or so we thought.  He assured me that if he thought he was going to die, that he would go to the hospital. And then he came home to go to the hospital.  Unfortunately, my intuition was right.

Enough with the sad crap though, I need to update on our lives here! September 8th the kids all started school.  Because we moved back in April, the kids were starting at a new school.  So it really has been a year of changes for us, new house, new neighborhood, new lives, new school, new friends.  They are adjusting well, and making new friends and love their new school.  We do miss our friends at the old school, but the good thing for us is that we are still in the same area we were before, so all their friends are still close and no further driving distance (we moved down the street).

Yesterday was As first day of pre-k.  She dressed herself, and was so very excited to go to school.  Her first day went great, she is making friends already and the parents are very friendly from what Ive seen so far.  Im very happy with the school I chose.  She will go four days a week in the afternoons from 1-4. It is a nice break for me, I get a little time to myself to re-charge.  She was so proud of herself yesterday morning before we left.  I told her how proud Daddy would be of her, and how big of a hug he would give her. She said to me "how am I supposed to hug him?", and I told her to hug her heart.

We all talk about Barry often, it has started getting easier.  Just the other day at dinner, we were joking and laughing about some of the silly stuff he would do.  Yes, it is still hard to believe he is gone.  Even after almost a year, I still have trouble accepting the fact.  We all miss him so much, and that will never change. But talking about him is getting easier.

My big news is that I started running.  I think I may have mentioned that before, feeling the need to have the adrenaline release.  I just want to feel my feet pounding the pavement.  About a week or so ago, I purchased the C25K app for my iPod touch, which is the Couch To 5K program.  I dont know how far I ran yesterday (my plan is to do it while A is in school) , but it was a 31 minute program.  The app staggers running for a minute and walking for 90 seconds.  I thought I was going to pass out at some times, but I DID IT! I completed the first day without stopping or giving up.  I was hot, sweaty, and exhausted afterwards. I am so proud of me.  I actually did it!!! I will do running day 2 tomorrow, and Im already looking forward to it. Ill have to take two weeks off the program while we are in Florida, but with all the walking well be doing Im sure well be ok.

Speaking of Florida...we leave in LESS THAN THREE WEEKS!!!!! We are so incredibly excited.  The kids are really gearing up for the trip, and Ive started to get us ready.  Ill probably start packing soon too.  Yes, I know it is early, but with 5 people going away for two weeks I need to be prepared. I also need to get the pets stuff ready for the kennel.  I do plan on taking the lap top with me, so I will do my very best to blog while we are there.  I know the one year anniversary will pass while we are there, and I want to write that day, but I will probably do a pre

On October 10th, I am not sure what we will be doing as a family. I think we may get some balloons and each write a special message to Barry on them, and release them.  Does anyone have any other good ideas?

Well, it is time to get my day started.  Ill try to write more often, but the next few weeks are incredibly busy for me...harass me if Im not writing enough.

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Struggling Today

Today I wish it wasnt a holiday, and that I could send the kids on the bus to school again. They have been so bratty today, and I am about to lose my mind. I live for when theyre at school, is that bad? At least right now, I want them at school. Honestly, I cant handle them right now, and I am so tired of the fighting, yelling, and bitching at each other. Theyre all so antagonistic towards each other. Maybe I need to tie their legs together so they can just walk as one, and not 4.

Today I am so BORED. There is so much to do around the house, but I have been hit with a tendinitis flare up, and even typing this is hard. So putting together that shelving unit I bought yesterday, is going to have to wait. As is all the detailed work like folding laundry, and cleaning. Im basically left with one hand, my right one, to do everything. I dont want to read, I dont want to watch TV, the Internet is boring, the kids are bratty, today sucks. I was thinking of heading to Wall*Hell today, but I am not about to take all the kids to a store to hear them whine about not getting toys, and running all over the place. Plus, I have a cold too, so not being able to breathe through my nose is pretty awful. I woke up at one point during the night because I couldnt breathe.

Today also marks Month Two. Today we started a new month without Barry. I think it is really starting to hit me, and I have been a lot more weepy lately. I just miss him so much! I still dont know how I am going to go on without him. I am, but I dont know how. Sure, its easy to say moment by moment, but do you know sometimes I wish I could just end all this and be with him. I dont relish the thought of being without my husband for the rest of my life. I dont want the added responsibility that comes with being an "official" single parent.

Most of all, I am so tired of hearing "Im so sorry for your loss", and "keeping you in our prayers and thoughts". ENOUGH! Just stop it already. I just want advice and support, NOT an Im sorry. And Im going to lay it all out here, I am so pissed that some of the family members didnt send cards or call. WTF, are you so into yourself and your own issues that you cant send a card? You cant even send your condolences via email or facebook? Might as well not even try now, its been a month. Just remember this when you lose someone in your life, and I conveniently forget to send a card or call. Maybe you didnt know Barry very well, or talk to him in YEARS, but shame on you for not even saying an Im sorry via a card when he died. A stamp only costs $.44 and a card about $3. Is that not worth it to you? Yeah, I know i said I was tired of the sympathy, but it just gets to me that some people, especially FAMILY, didnt care enough about us to send cards or send condolences. I think its really sad that people are so close minded that they cant take a half hour to buy, address, and send a card when someone dies.

Tomorrow our family grief support starts. I am looking forward to it. I just need to vent to other people that have experienced what I have. Im still thinking of looking into going to a shooting range. I really need to get out some aggression I think. Im also going to a grief support group on Monday, on how to prepare/survive the holidays without your loved ones.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

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The Day I lost My Identity

I feel incomplete.

October 10Th, 2009, was the day I lost my identity. I was talking to someone last Friday night about how I havent felt like myself ever since Barry died.

I feel like I am missing my other half, which I am, like part of me has been cut off. I want the old me back! The new Joanna is very different from the Joanna that was 7 weeks ago. Barry completed me, he made me whole, and now hes gone. Has anyone has read The Golden Compass by Bill Pullman ("His Dark Materials" series) ? Do you remember how the children felt when they were cut off from their Daemons? That is how I feel without Barry.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have wanted to be a wife and a mother. I did dream about becoming a nurse, a doctor, a veterinarian, a lawyer etc etc, but Ive always felt my true calling was to be a Wife and a Mother. I accomplished those both, but now that one has been taken away from me, I dont know what to do with myself.

So now that Im just a mom, how do I feel complete again? How do I move on from this feeling that I am floundering, just barely treading water, and feel like myself again?

I started up my hair clip business ("The Mane Attraction" on facebook), which takes up a lot of my time, and gives me a creative outlet. I blog here, and write about anything and everything. I go out with my friends, I go shopping, I pay bills, I clean, I fold laundry, I kiss owies, I give hugs and Kisses, I run errands, I do everything that a mom does.

But I miss being a Wife! I so desperately miss that aspect of my life. I miss caring for my husband, doing things for him, washing his laundry, everything that being a wife encompasses. Even having a conversation with him, and we talked for HOURS every day. I want that back, I want to be a wife again.

I know a lot of people dont understand how I am feeling, and thats ok. Im not asking for sympathy, or understanding, or anything for that matter. I just want to know what to do with myself to make the ache go away. I physically ache for Barry, I just want to be with him again, and I cant, and it tears me apart.

I know I have been forced to become a new person, and like it or not, I have to accept it. Do you think I enjoy writing about my grief? No. But its the new me, and its what I am good at. I am also dreading the thought of what I am going to be responsible for when I finally buy a house. Im going to have to learn how to hang shelving and learn how to use a drill! The old Joanna didnt even care about using a drill, and now she has to.

Im struggling with learning how to accept my new identity of Widow, and learning how to just remember what it was like to be a Wife. I dont have to forget it, just remember.

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