Realization

I realized recently that Barry will always stay young, while I will always get old.

When you get married, youre supposed to grow old together, die together (or close in age together), and sit on your front porch watching your grandchildren play outside together.  It isnt supposed to be like this, where one stays the same age forever, and the other ages as any normal person would.

Barry is going to stay forever as this young man of 29.  We will be able to look at his photos, and see him from birth to 29, but never more.  And I find that hard to believe, because he will always be daddy, Barry, my husband.  Hell forever be those, but he wont age like us.  Im older than him now, which is incredibly surreal to me.  Ill be turning 30 in 5 days. He never reached his 30th birthday.  Can I liken it to a vampire? LOL  Thats why vampires can never visit their families years down the road, because they look the same as the day they died.  Can you tell Ive just finished reading the last Sookie Stackhouse book? "Dead In The Family"? LOL

Whats going to happen is that for now, I will get older.  Ill get more grey hair, Ill get more wrinkles, and I will age.  I will eventually look older than Barry, and I dont like that.  And then the kids will start to age, and eventually they will look older than their daddy, and they in turn will get wrinkles and grey hair.  Well always be older than him, and I cant fathom that, because he was supposed to be here forever.

How will it feel when I am an old woman of 80, and I look at a picture, into the eyes of my 50 years ago deceased husband? Will I still feel the same way I do now about him? Or will it be like looking into a dream, hardly believing he even existed? I guess it is hard to fathom, and will be even then, because in reality, we only spent 11 years together.  11 years is a blink of an eye, when you consider a whole lifetime.  Ive also wondered if I am going to get Alzheimers like my Great Oma did, and perhaps talk about Barry like he is still around, and like I am still the 29 year old I was when he passed.

I wish I could freeze time. Just freeze it right now where I am. I could stay the same age, Barry will always stay the same age, and the kids will too.  That way I dont have to face the realization that I will get old, and he will not.

And I think this is also why I am so apathetic about my upcoming 30th birthday on the 16th. I dont want to get old. I dont want to age.

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