It started last night when I was looking at some pictures of the day after the funeral. I wanted to see what I looked like before I lost all this weight. He isnt in any of those photos, obviously, its just us Benders and my family. But as I gazed upon myself and my family, seeing us all smiling, I wondered "HOW did I do that? How was I smiling when my heart was still breaking?". I dont know how I did it then, how I put on a happy face when inside I was, and still am, broken. Even now I am astonished that I can smile. I amaze myself sometimes.
As I started crying last night at the computer, I didnt notice that Braddock had come to lay beside me. Through the tears that were clouding my vision, I happened to glance down and see the beast laying beside me. I reached out my hand and started petting his ears, and he put his head on my leg and started loving on me. And as I cried harder, all he did was love me more.
Isnt it amazing how animals just sense it? They know when you need them. I feel so sad for Braddock too, he misses Barry too, I know it.
Today I skipped MOPS because it was the Valentines day one. I know I couldnt handle talking about love and marriage, I didnt want to even put myself in that position. But I missed going, I look forward to it all the time. I just couldnt today.
Then today while I was heading out to run errands, I happened to glance at The Boys student of the week form that he had filled out.
On it he listed "My Father" as the person who he admires.
Instant tears.
I got home and I had a voice mail. But it wasnt a good one. It was the kids health insurance company calling to REMIND ME TO VACCINATE THEM AGAINST H1N1! Well heres a big FUCK YOU to Molina health care for reminding me YET AGAIN that my husband is DEAD because of H1N1. I almost wish I had been home when the call came and that it was a real person on the other end, so that I could have been an uber bitch to them.
Ive cried a lot today. I know I will cry later because I have to prepare my "Barry Presentation" for Grief Works tomorrow. I dont even know if I am going to bother writing anything down. I might take the stuff I wrote for his funeral, I just dont think I could handle writing something new. And thankfully I still have the picture board I made for the funeral, I never took that apart. I have a few mementos I will take too.
Tomorrow I will cry too. A Lot.
Why is it when I feel I am doing ok, that it hits me all again? It has been almost 4 months now, and I am starting to feel the desperation that I felt at the beginning. A feeling of being lost, of being empty, of hopelessness. I thought it was supposed to get better with time, and not worse. Seems like it will NEVER get better.
I am just filled with unmeasurable sadness.
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