Vacation Planning

Most everyone knows I am planning on taking the kids on a trip this October to help us pass the one year mark as easy as possible.  I know there are most definitely differing opinions, running from "Why are you wasting your money" to "It wont help make it any better for you all".  And I have heard ALL of them!  While I value every ones opinions, I dont really care, because in the end, Im going to do what Im going to do.

And Im taking the kids out of school for two weeks in October and were going to Florida.   Yep, two weeks.  I will be taking homework for them, as I think it will help mellow them out too when theyre too full of energy.  Im sure the teachers will appreciate it too.  Originally I had planned on only going for a week and a half, but figured if were going to do the whole Florida thing, wed do it right.  I havent booked anything yet, but will be doing so in the next couple weeks, as I am still doing research on everything.  My plan is to leave sometime between the 30th of September (on a red-eye) and the 6th, and stay for two whole weeks.  The only requirement I have is that were there for sure before the 8th, because that is Es 8th birthday!!   Well be doing the Disney World Resort theme parks for about a week or so, and then were headed to Universal Orlando for 4 days.  AND...to make it educational, lol, Ill be taking the kids to NASA aka Kennedy Space Center for a day.  I plan on skipping the beaches, because, I really dont care about that.  I havent worked out the entire details, but the bulk of our trip will be at Disney World (The Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, Epcot and Disneys Hollywood Studios).

I am super super excited to go to Universal Orlando because "The Wizarding World of Harry Potter" will be open, and me being a huge Harry Potter fan, that will be the ULTIMATE vacation (besides Europe of course!).  Also, Harry Potter was Barrys favorite book series.  He loved it so much, it was even mentioned in his Obit and at the funeral.  I couldnt even tell you how often he read the books, more than I did for sure.  He was an avid Harry Potter Fan.  He and I were able to see the 6th movie together last summer!  As the kids and I were touring the Harry Potter attractions on the Universal website (check out the link I posted above!), I did get a little teary eyed.  It made me so sad that Barry wouldnt  be able to be there with us, because he would have loved it.  I know hell be there with us still in spirit, but how I wish he could see it in the flesh with us at his side.  So this is something else were going to do for him, and I am so excited!

Some of the stores they have open in the Hogsmeade village include Olivanders (Yes, I will get a wand for the kids! LOL), Zonkos and also Honeydukes among others.  There is even "Owl Post", which is a functioning post office, and mails items from there with a Hogsmeade postmark!  Can you tell I am excited? I am just over the moon about going.

If anyone has any tips on Disney World for me, or how to travel across the country with 4 kids on a plane, please let me know :) I welcome any advice that will help make it easier for me!  This is going to be a "once in a lifetime" thing, so I am going to make it the most memorable trip I possibly can.

Im looking forward to sharing details with you all!!

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Lists

I wanted to talk about a bunch of different topics, subjects, what have you, but as there is too much, I will just list it, and summarize everything.

• I cant remember the last time I really cleaned my room. I think it was before Barry was to come home, before he went into the hospital. After he died, and mom and I were cleaning for out of town company, we used my room as a catch all. I still have his clothes where I left them. His Fridge, a bin full of stuff to bring to goodwill, his Army duffel bag full of his clean AND dirty laundry. Countless bags of Christmas presents on the floor and stuffed into the closet. The clothes I bought for the Salvation Army kids, the clothes I bought myself at Old Navy yesterday, my clean clothes stacked on a box. Books, clutter,, his computers and lap top bag, a random sock of his from last august that he left at home by accident, paper work, just clutter. I have to clear a path really, its very messy. And mom, I know youre reading this, rest assured it will be clean before you come over at Christmas. No bitching allowed! haha

• I still havent touched his clothes from where I put them when I emptied his truck. Everything is how I left it when I first put it there. Though I really suppose I SHOULD charge the lap top, I havent used it in a few weeks.

• I havent folded laundry properly in weeks

• My son asked if he could do the dishes before school this morning because i left them from last night and the kitchen was messy. So yes, I did do them after they went to school

• As it is painfully obvious, housework is not a priority for me right now. I have to get my butt in gear though because I have 4 family members coming in from out of town for Christmas in just over a month.
  

• I almost bought Barry a pair of slippers the other day because I knew his were worn out and in need of replacement. I was going to buy him new work gloves, new slippers, and a new duffel bag...all of which he desperately needed.

• We started family grief support Thursday night. I didnt get anything out of it. Im hoping this will change, but I do understand it is geared to the kids. Almost everyone there lost someone to cancer. I felt very out of place.

• I talked to Barrys school today regarding his account, transcripts and everything. It made me very sad that he will never get to see his dream fulfilled. He was such an AWESOME student! On the Deans list every semester. Im in the process of getting copies of his transcripts and Deans list letters to save for the kids. I want to show them how much of a wonderful student their daddy was.

• Yesterday I a let my 3.5 year old watch Mickeys Twice Upon a Christmas twice in a row and I didnt care. I also didnt shower till 10:30 yesterday morning.

• Last night I took the kids to Costco after an early dinner. Before we left, I thought to myself, "Oh, I better call Barry to let him know were going out".

• I dont think there has been more than a one day span where I havent gone out since Barry got home October 4th. I go somewhere almost every day. Before, I would only go out every few days. Now I HAVE to go somewhere, do something, anything, to keep my mind off things and keep busy and entertained.

• Today I took my kids Christmas shopping and out for lunch. We had a subway gift card for lunch, but do you know how HARD it is to corral 4 kids in small restaurant? Plus keep them reasonably quiet and well mannered? Its impossible. Then we headed to Old Navy, Toys R Us, Target and Pier One. I will say this: There is a reason I only do my shopping during the week when the three oldest are in school.

• I am hoping, crossing my fingers, anything, that 2010 is a better year for us. A year for healing, a year for laughter, a year for new memories. I hope its our year to be happy.
  

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Today is a Good Day

I feel good today! I hope the mood sticks because Ive needed a positive day for awhile.

I went to library story time today with my youngest, and saw a friend there from the kids school. She helped orchestrate meals and donations for us, so it was nice to talk to her. Plus, story time was fun for the "baby", and it felt great to get out of the house and back into one of our routines.

Got home and my freezer was delivered. Not a big deal to some, but I have wanted a freezer for ages. I am so happy I bought one yesterday. I got a Frigidaire 9 Cf for only $250! Brand new from Lowes. Ive put some food from my fridge freezer in there, but I am anxiously awaiting my trip to Costco on Monday. I want to stock it ;o) Im going to do an inventory list as well, just have to find a good one on the internets.

Tomorrow we are going to a Trunk or Treat with a family from the kids school that invited us, and then Trick or Treating on Saturday. We have a nice full weekend planned.

Yesterday was also the day of phone calls. Two in particular with some new friends. I had a great time talking and laughing. Thank you to R and C ;o) You guys have been such a help to me, and I really appreciate it.

This doesnt make me happy, but Ive been wondering why I havent been dreaming about Barry. Not once. Its been 3 weeks almost! I thought I would have dreamed about him by now. Maybe I will once I really need it? I dont know, but it is a bit disheartening not to have those "nighttime dates". I wish I could dream about him. Its hard to believe it has been almost 3 weeks. Time has flown by since he last came home almost 4 weeks ago. Its amazing to think how much our lives changed just in the span of a week, or even a day.

I am thankful that today has been a good day so far.

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One Month Ago

I have a post in mind for today, but I wanted to say some other things first. First off, Im writing this Monday night. Its going to be a long post, so be forewarned. I dont have the ability to write this tomorrow morning because I am going to be out most of the day, and I dont want to deal with the emotions that come with writing a post like this. Im staying away from the house, and keeping busy till the kids get home so I just dont have to think. Ive also got a veterans day assembly tomorrow night to go to. I figured why not write it tonight, Monday night, when I can deal with it all and wake up and not have to worry about writing such an emotional post. I havent been able to write anything like this yet, and I certainly cant write like this in my journal right now. But I will definitely be keeping these posts for the future. Perhaps Ill even have them bound into a book. So here goes....Im even crying while writing this intro.

One more thing. I had this post publish at Barrys time of death. 11:11Am.


My Dearest Barry,

I miss you so much honey. I think about you all the time, and I love, love, love you. Ill always love you less than 3. Youre my sexy man, you mud stuffin!

One month ago, you were cruelly taken away from me and the kids. Little did I know that on that one Saturday, when I headed to the hospital, I would leave it without you forever. I wasnt even going to go to the hospital because we had to get ready for Es birthday party that afternoon, and I had to go pick up her cake at Safeway. You were going to make her a headstone cake with a candy skeleton, remember? But then when we realized youd be in the hospital for awhile, we decided Id go order one instead. Mom told me to go visit you, because it would be nice to see you earlier rather than later. Im so glad I went.

We had such a nice visit that morning. Joking, laughing, and teasing each other. I remember you were eating your breakfast when I came into your room, and the first thing you said to me was "Hey Baby". I drank some of your OJ and then gave the rest to you because I didnt want to get any germs from you. I will treasure those moments forever. Ill never forget the time that we had. I am sure you know this, because I did tell you once you were conscious, but I was at the hospital day and night. I spent hours there with you in the ICU. I talked to you, rubbed your feet, held your hand, kissed your forehead, put pictures and cards up on your wall, everything. I dont remember saying I love you that morning, but your nurse Amy, told me she had heard us say it. I know we did, we were always saying I love you to each other.

Just a short time after I got to the hospital, I dont even remember what time it was, maybe 45 minutes? you got up to go to the bathroom. Thats when it all went downhill. The nurses had me leave, and I called the family, and then they called a code blue. Dr. Christensen came to see me in the stairwell, where I was with a lovely woman named Deb, and told me they couldnt find a pulse. Did you hear me scream? I think everyone on the 10Th floor heard me scream. It made my ears ring. You always said I was too loud, Im sure you did hear me. Then I ran past Dr Christensen, and ran full speed down the hallway...I didnt even hurt my shins! I forced my way into the hospital room and was at your side. I held your hand, I kissed you, I loved on you as they performed CPR on you. You were turning blue at this point, but I know you heard me talking to you.

Do you remember me telling you how much I love you? How much of a good daddy and husband you were? How you were my best friend? How I would love you forever and always?

Dr Christensen was standing at your head, and I to your left, holding your hand. He came to stand beside me, hugging me, and telling me that they could put you on life support, but that you wouldnt wake up. That you would be a vegetable for the rest of your life because you had been without oxygen for almost 40 minutes at that point. Did you hear that? Did you hear me yell at the doctors that I wasnt a widow? That I was too young to be a widow? That this wasnt happening to me? Did you hear me say that it was OK to stop the CPR, and that I knew you wouldnt want to be a vegetable? Do you know how hard it was for me to say that? To have to know I was saying goodbye to the man I loved? I broke away from the doctor, and went to talk to you again, telling you over and over and over how much I love you, how much the kids love you, how much of a good father you have been, how much of a wonderful husband you have been. How you were my best friend, and I thanked you for sacrificing everything for us. I kissed you and hugged you.

And then they called the time of death and stopped CPR. I was there with you and said goodbye.

Everyone cleared out of the room, the nurses took me to a private room where I was able to call Lisa and Sara to be with me. I dont think I could ever thank them enough for what they did for me. About an hour and a half after you passed, I was allowed to go back into your room to say my final goodbyes. I half layed on the hospital bed beside you, Lisa and Sara put your left arm around me and helped you to hug me. They leaned on my back and just hugged me, as I hugged you. Again I said goodbye, saying all those things I said before. And to tell you again, You were my best friend Barry, I love you more than anything. I will never stop loving you for the rest of my life. I appreciate everything you ever did for us, sacrificing our family time so that you could provide for us. You were the best husband I could have asked for, the very best man I could have ever asked to spend my life with. Our children couldnt have been given a better daddy, you were the best ever!

I had Lisa and Sara leave for about 15 minutes or so, so I could be with you by myself for awhile. You know, I clipped some of your chest hair? I have it saved away. I always loved running my fingers through it. I kissed your lips, I marveled at the fact that parts of you were still warm, and I couldnt stop touching you. I just loved on you.

Telling our kids that daddy died has got to be the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my life. They miss you so much, and theyve been having a hard time. A especially because she just doesnt get it. I dont know how I can explain to her how you are never coming back. Ive tried, and I think maybe she is starting to understand, but she always says she misses you. We all miss you. We all love you. Were starting family counselling on the 12th, its geared especially towards families and kids that have lost someone like we have. And I am going to a grief support group starting in January, my good friend Rebecca, whom you never got to meet, is going to watch A for me once a week when I go. I think it will be good for me.

I think you would be so proud of me for how I have handled everything this past month. Ive been so strong, despite the fact that my heart is breaking. Ive done more paperwork than I could have ever imagined, I took care of your trip packs, I did all the insurance paperwork, I took care of the funeral arrangements. Ive really stepped up and I know you always wanted me to make something of myself, and I have really taken the first steps towards that. Im even thinking of writing a book! Everyone has told me how well I can write, I never knew that! It was always you who had that talent in our family. I respond by saying how sad it is that such a tragedy had to happen to make the words flow. But I can do it, and I am good at it!

People have blessed the kids and I considerably. With food, monetary donations, and cards, and love, and friendship. More than I could ever have asked for. And you have blessed us too Barry. I know we didnt expect that life insurance to ever have to be used, but thank you for that. Thank you so very very much for getting that, and seeing to provide for the kids and I after you passed.

I still sleep with your t-shirt under my pillow, and your pillow between my knees. Once in awhile I will wear it, and also wear your deodorant to bed, so the shirt smells like you. I cleaned out your truck, and guess what I found? Your black beanie cap! You also left me close to $80 in change!!! Mike always said you were bad for that, and was he ever right! Doug and Dusty came to your funeral, did you know that? And Jeff N came to pick up your truck shortly after that. it was so hard to see it being driven away, I recorded it with my blackberry, and had Jeff pull the air horn a few times so we could hear it.

At your funeral, did you hear the songs that I picked? I went through your iTunes on your (now my) lap top, and picked the top 4 songs I knew you liked. I know the two you wanted the most, Mars for when the service was starting, and O Fortuna for when it was ending and you were being taken out. You told me you wanted that, and I did it for you baby. Im glad we were able to talk about that over the years, because it made me so happy to be able to do that for you. And O Fortuna, Barry that is YOUR song! When Mom, Maegen and I were going through the songs, we started laughing when I played it for them. Its so pompous, arrogant...its you! It is the epitome of you, and I love you for that.

Barry, I love you. You are, and always will be, the man of my dreams. I have loved you since I was 18 years old! The 10 years that we were married, and the 11 that we knew each other were the best of my life. You gave me the best decade of my life! You were my first love, my first everything, and I will never forget you. I could write so much more, but my fingers are getting sore, and I will leave more for another day.

If I could ask you one more question, one last request of you, could you please come visit me in my dreams? I miss you, and I so desperately want to dream of you. To see you in the flesh, to touch you, to hear your voice telling me you love me.

Goodbye for now!

I love you Sexy Man!

Love, Me
xoxoxoxp

p.s. I finally bought that camera. haha :o)

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Almost a Good Weekend

Well we almost made it all weekend without having any problems. Almost.

Until late this afternoon, when we were eating dinner and had a crying fest at the table. All five of us, crying, while we ate our dinner. Me saying that if I could I would do everything in my power to bring back daddy, but that I couldnt no matter how hard I wished for it.

I wish I knew how to make the kids feel better. I wish I could take away their pain. I wish I could get through to the boy and help him, because he is struggling as he wont share his feelings, and gets angry. I wish I could explain why he died, why he left us, but I cant. I dont have the words to do any of that. I just dont know how to make them feel better.

I wish that our family counseling was starting sooner, but we have to wait till November 12th. Next week. We can wait that long I guess. I really hope it helps the kids, because I just dont have the resources to help them through this. I am trying, but I guess I am not doing a good enough job. I think the problem is that as Mommy, I am also having to bear all the responsibility. So that means I am the one who has to handle the day to day stuff, and I cant be sad all the time, I cant grieve every single day, and I cant cry all the time. I wonder if that is having a negative effect on the kids, them not seeing me grieve, but what can I do? I have to be strong for them.

My grieving is done through my blog, through my chats with my friends and siblings and mom. Its in private, and away from the kids most of the time. Its at night when I say goodnight to him, and that I love him, and sometimes cry myself to sleep. Its hard for the baby too though, because if she sees me crying and sad all the time, she is as well. Shes very intuitive, and I dont want her to pick up on my emotions.

Being Mommy though has its disadvantages. And by saying "Mommy", I mean the one who has to be responsible and strong for the kids. Because I have to hide my feelings a lot, I find it sneaks up on me and I feel panicky and anxious at the most random times. I have to tell myself "Yes, he is gone, I love him and miss him, but there is nothing I can do to bring him back". I have to calm myself down and realize that I CAN do this, though I might not want to. I have to tell myself that its ok to be scared, ok to want to scream because I feel like Im in the worse nightmare possible, that its OK to feel everything. And I do want to scream sometimes because I am so very frightened to do this without him. It is/was my worst fear ever to be alone without him, and now I am living the nightmare.

Well, nightmares, crying, sadness, anger, and all that other crap aside, we had fun Trick or Treating last night. Yesterday it rained off and on and I was really worried Id have to take the kids to a crowded Halloween Party. But the sun prevailed, and we were left with fantastic TOTing weather. The kids filled about 5 of those Halloween Pumpkin buckets worth of candy!! We must have hit a pretty affluent area, because a LOT of the homes gave out full size candy bars. I let the kids have full run of their candy for the first few days or so, just to get it out of their system, and then the interest slowly goes away. Theyre already getting sick of it! lol

So, heres to a new month. November already! Can you believe it?

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Goodbye For Good Old House

I have had such a busy week, and included in that was the move-out inspection at the old house. It seemed like every time I tried to leave that house, something always kept me coming back. Either it was trash pick up in the yard, getting the grass mowed, having to do a last cleaning, or being there when the carpets were cleaned. It was tiring to be completely honest, and I was happy to see Friday afternoon finally come.

I was expecting that the move out inspection would be extremely difficult, emotional...

And it really wasnt. I got a little teary eyed, but that was it. I really did feel ok when I said "goodbye". The landlord walked out of the house before me, so I took a glance around and quietly whispered "goodbye" under my breath as I shut the door behind me for the very last time.

It is quite surreal knowing that the last chapter in our lives has finally closed. This new house, which I have been looking forward to for so long is finally "it", our home. I started this new house journey in January, and here we are at the end of April and its DONE. All done. And now we start the newest chapter in our lives: new beginnings, new memories, a new life.

Im looking forward to it!

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ENJOY EATING SATURATED FATS THEYRE GOOD FOR YOU

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