4 Mistakes that could be Ruining your HCG Diet

This isnt your first rendezvous for the HCG Diet. You know what youre doing. But for some reason, every once in awhile your weight loss seems to slow or stall. And that is frustrating, even for an HCG Diet veterans like you and me.

 We like to think we know what were doing, weve read Pounds and Inches, weve gone through every page of the guidebook, and maybe even got our hands on Lose 50 Pounds Guaranteed, but somehow even us veteran HCG Dieters miss details that could be slowing down our weight loss. 

Here are 4 things that may be ruining your HCG Diet:

Not Measuring
OK, lets be honest after our second or third week on the diet we lose interest in measuring everything we eat, at least I did. However, trust me when I say you need to measure, no matter what. The thing is, we think we know what 3.5 ounces of meat looks like but its easy to add an extra ounce and sometimes even two. Those extra ounces add up to extra calories and they can be slowing down your weight loss. So do it a night ahead or pack a food scale in your purse. This is one fine detail that when skipped adds up over time.

Over Compensating
Have you ever eaten something you were supposed to and thought, "I can fix this, Ill just do a Cali Kicker, some sit-ups, take green coffee, go for a walk, take my appetite control, and cut back on dinner." Im guilty of that train of thought. But you dont need to freak out like that. Just get back on track at your next meal and let your body correct the problem itself. If you do too many quick fixes at once youll confuse your body and the problem will only get worse.

Deviating from Protocol

I went through this phase where I was eating banana peppers because they are low-calorie and didnt have any oil, but the thing is they arent on the original protocol for a reason and that reason is sodium. There are also a lot of other things that seem like theyd be fine but they arent. For instance certain fruits like mango and watermelon are too high in sugar for the diet and can slow you down. Even unlisted veggies can cause problems. So simply put, if its not on the approved foods list... dont eat it.

Skipping Calories

Toward the end of Phase 2, I have a hard time getting all of my 500 calories in. I know that sounds crazy because Im not eating very much as it is, but the appetite suppressant in HCG Triumph drops is pretty powerful. So its tempting to skip out on your fruit or veggies, but then your body (even though it doesnt feel hungry) goes into starvation mode and you stop losing weight. Eat all of the food youre suppose to eat.

And for those of you who arent quite HCG vets, you may not have slipped into these bad habits yet, and thats good news. So take notes and make sure you never start. :) 

Are you guilty of any of the above diet blunders? What other bad habits have you found slow down your weight loss?

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99 Homeowner

Today was the day, the glorious day, that I signed my life away.

For the next 30 years, my soul will be owned by Bank of America, as I send them a check every single month, until that house is paid off. The reason I said 99% Homeowner is because the house isnt *officially* mine yet. That will come on Monday afternoon when the title records. THEN, and only then, can I get the keys and officially say that "this is my house".

As I signed my name, and initialed each highlighted spot on that mountain high stack of paper, I couldnt help but be a little teary eyed. I wished that Barry was there to sign the papers with me. I wished that his name was also going to be on the title of the house. I wish he was moving there with us. I wish for so many things that will never come true.

But now I can stop wishing for a forever home for the kids and I. Instead of wishing, I can thank Barry for providing for us. Without him this would NEVER have been possible. He continues to provide for us, even in death, and for that I can never thank him enough. I would do everything in my power to get him back if I could; I would live in a shack, Id go on welfare, Id drive a hoopty...anything to have him back. But that isnt possible. We have to keep on living our lives and be thankful for the time that we had with him, and thankful for all that he left us. And not just monetarily, but the love, and memories, and the laughter. Those are what is the most precious, and what we will cherish in our hearts forever.

Thank you my dear, for providing for us and seeing that we are well taken care of. I love you Barry.

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7 Things to Be Happy About

Bad days happen, but when a bad day turns into a full on funk, something has to be done. Sometimes when we are caught up in worry and stress, we stop living in the moment and we focus on things in the past or things in the future that are out of our control. Theres a lot of uncertainty in the past and future, so when we stop living in the moment we have a hard time finding things to be happy about. We become so unsure of what we have done and what were going to do that we poison ourselves with negativity. If youre in a funk, if youve stopped living in the moment, this is your reminder that life is beautiful and here are 7 things you should be overwhelmingly happy about.

You Are Beautiful
Truly, I mean it. "But Lowery, you cant see me through a computer screen." Right, reader. I cant. But I do know a couple things about you.
1. You can smile.
2. You have talents and attributes unique to you.
Both of those things make you incredibly beautiful. If you can recognize these things, youre miles ahead of a lot of people in the world. Recognizing your beauty is simple, it just starts with smiling.

There Are People Out There Who Love You
Maybe they are far away, maybe you cant reach them right this minute. But there is someone somewhere who is so happy that you are who you are and that you exist. Know that. Remember that. Give yourself the same patience, love and understanding that they give you. Chances are there is someone you will encounter during your day who is willing to bend an ear or share a smile, and that is something to be happy about.

Hot Showers and Bubble Baths

Youve been freaking out lately over stuff you cant change. You need to relax. Take a bath or a hot shower and soak up the steam. Live in this moment. You are alone, and theres no one bothering you. All you need to worry about is not getting soap in your eye. While youre in there, feel free to belt out some Celine Dion. Trust me. Its therapeutic.

Progress
Celebrate the little victories. Maybe you got through a whole day without spilling food on your shirt. Maybe you woke up on time and made it to work five minutes early. Victories. If you are working on things that are getting you closer to a goal, like eating healthier to lose weight, or studying hard to get a 4.0, those are victories. And you deserve to celebrate and be happy for your progress.

No Matter Where You Are, It Could Always Be Worse
If you take a step back and examine the facts, youll realize that things arent so bad. Youre alive, for starters. I am willing to bet that you can easily name 100 things youre grateful for more quickly than you can name 100 things that are ruining your life. I can say that Im pretty blessed. I have a family who loves me, I have a job, I have transportation, I have a lot of modern conveniences. My life could be a helluvah lot worse, and because its not that is something to be happy about.

Tomorrow Can Always Be Better
You decide whether or not you have a good day or a bad day. Its not events that happen to you, and its not people you encounter. Its completely your attitude toward different life situations. So if you decide that tomorrow will be better, it will be better. You cant control what happens to you but you can control how you handle it. Instead of lashing out, put on your headphones and turn on Pharrell.

Possibilities
You know whats really amazing? You can pretty much do anything you set your freaking mind to. The possibilities are endless. Want to run a marathon? You can do it. You want to lose weight? You can do it. You want to become someone new? You can do it. The possibilities for you and your life are incredible. This moment youre in, this funk, its temporary. And if you want to be happy, its completely possible.

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10 Signs You Need a Fresh Start

When was the last time you took a few moments to do some a self-inventory. Not like a counting freckles, or hairs, but a nitty gritty introspection sesh? When was the last time you examined your habits and your moods and really thought about how youre doing. If its been a while, you may be missing the blatant evidence that its time for a fresh start. Sometimes when we are stuck in a bit of a rut, it can be pretty easy to miss the 10 signs that you need a fresh start. Let me break them down for you:

1. You would categorize or mood as kind of, "eh." You dont really find yourself passionate about anything.
2. You dont feel like your normal self. Youre not sure whats up, but you know that a couple weeks ago, we were not feeling like this.

You feel indifferent about most of the decisions you make.
3. You would rather sleep than spend time with loved ones. You and your bed are pals. When you get home you just want to lay in your bed and tell it about all of your problems.
4. Nothing makes you feel motivated anymore. You know you should workout, but you dont wanna. You know you should probably shower, but you dont wanna do that either. And laundry? Yeah... probably should... but no. All motivation = GONE.
5. The ones closest to you keep asking what is wrong. Your family thinks youre a little depressed. They keep asking you how you are and if everything is OK. Your response is usually, "Im fine. Just been tired."
6. Your confidence is in the toilet. You look in the mirror and you just arent feeling in. So, theres no point in getting ready, because that too is something youre just not feeling.
7. You feel insecure about your decisions. You put a lot of thought into choosing simple things like what to have for dinner and what to watch on Netflix, and then when you do make a choice you still arent sure if it was the right one.
8. You feel like running away from all of your problems. Your ideal situation would be a vacation for you and your friend Bed far, far away where no one can reach you. Preferably somewhere that doesnt require money, or bills, or other general life activities.
9. You realize youre not on track with your 5 year plan. This is not where you wanted to be with your life. You were supposed to have your dream job by now. Whats wrong with you? Your plan is totally ruined.
10. You feel like youve maxed out your potential. You cannot see yourself getting passed this. Youll be stuck here forever. All of your potential is maxed out and this is where you level off.

Even if only two of these apply to you... Its time for a fresh start. You need to re-vamp your life.

So how does one just start fresh? You cant just run away and sleep forever, and as good as that sounds it wont make any of your problems go away. Here are some suggestions to help you feel excited about life again and slowly start climbing out of the slump youve been camping in:

1. Start with gratitude.If you really stop and think about it you have a lot of amazing things around you. Set an alarm on your phone that will go over every day at the same time. Open up a memo app on your phone and write down 13 things you are grateful for and do this every single day. Seeing how awesome your life really is can be just the right push to get you living it to the fullest extent.

2. Watch this pep talk from Kid President. He is a pretty cool kid with some big ideas on getting out of a slump.

3. Make a list & reward yourself when everything on that list is done. Write down everything you need to do that day, and then write down what you get when its all done. So maybe when you shower, do laundry, and finish that report for work you get to take a break and watch a couple episodes of your favorite show. This will help you start getting things done so you dont get overwhelmed by tasks.

4. Do something for your body. Dropping a few pounds or even just doing a detox can help you regain some of the confidence youve been lacking for awhile. Try doing the Lemonade Detox. No need to change your diet, all you do is just drink the drink and reap the benefits.

5. Get outside. The weather is warming up and its time to spend less time inside and more time soaking up the sun. Go for a jog, go play a round of golf, or even go lay outside and read a book. You need some fresh air and some Vitamin D. You will feel better physically and mentally when you step away from the couch and when you step outside.

6. Reconnect with some friends. If youve been putting off hanging out with your friends, its time to reconnect with them and start surrounding yourself with people who make you laugh.

7. Cut down on naps, but still get your 8 hours. If you sleep too much, you actually feel more tired. If youre getting more than eight hours of sleep per day, its time to cut down on the naps. You are training your body to want sleep that it doesnt really need and in return it is making you more tired. Before you know it, your over-sleeping has got you caught in a cycle that makes it hard for you to get anything done.

8. Start dreaming & planning. If you arent where you want to be, change it. Simple as that. No one is going to change it for you, its up to you. Start dreaming again. Then start planning out way you can make that dream a reality. Sign up for a class at the local college, Read a book on investing. Whatever your dream is, start working toward it.

9. Surround yourself with motivating things. Find a happy post, rummage through old pictures and find your favorites, or turn on some happy music. Surround yourself with things that remind you to be better and things that inspire you to stay positive.

10. Lighten up. Dont take everything so seriously. Life is good and its worth living. All you need to do is decide that as of this moment, this moment right now, you are going to start fresh.

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The One About The Oxygen Mask

Many of you know the ordeal that I went through this past Monday. If not, I shall share...I had all four of my Wisdom teeth taken out.

They had been bugging me for years, and the bottom right one still hadnt pushed all the way through, and was coming in sideways, so I decided it was time to get them removed. I wasnt that scared of getting my teeth pulled, but more of being put out for the entire surgery.

When I arrived there on Monday morning, I was instructed to change into a gown. Wait, why do I have to wear a gown? Well, I did anyway. So I walked down the hallway in my hospital gown, yoga pants and sneakers. No bra! haha. I also had a hair net thingy magiggy on my head. They really take things seriously at Dr. Jacksons office!

I was sitting in the chair and they were prepping me for the surgery, and for some reason I started to talk about Barry. Why? Why did I start to talk about him? I think for me right now it is a coping mechanism, I tend to do it when I am nervous. They put a cuff on my arm to take my blood pressure and keep it on while I was under. Well, I was so nervous that my blood pressure was 161/120! That is way too high. I remember remarking to the nurses how amazing it was how different situations affect your body more than you know, and little did I know, but talking about Barry was raising my blood pressure. I was able to calm myself down thankfully, by taking deep breaths and just thinking peaceful things.

Then I got the oxygen mask.

I got scared, and very anxious. Tears were squeezing out of the corners of my eyes.

I wasnt scared for myself, I was scared for Barry. Knowing that he went through this, that he had an oxygen mask on his face almost constantly for a week. And I hated knowing that I was goign through the same thing. I started to get panicky, even more so after Dr Jackson put the IV in my hand. It hurt.

Its the same scenario as I had with the face masks during my Grief Works group. Just the mere sight of these items makes me anxious. To be honest, I dont know that I will ever recover from that. What I went through in October is one of the most traumatic events someone can ever go through, to be there at your loved ones side as they take their last breath. To see them incapacitated in the hospital, helpless and at the mercy of life. Hooked up to so many machines you cant even count them. Hearing so many beeps and different sounds. It will forever be etched into my mind. Always. I will never forget, and I am almost positive that it will always affect me, for the rest of my life.

So you can imagine how I felt having an oxygen mask on my face, and an IV in my hand.

I remember remarking to the nurses how relaxed I was starting to feel after Dr Jackson put the IV in, haha. Something about how I liked morphine when I had my c-sections. I remember talking about the oxygen mask and my blood pressure and being scared, and that it would be something to blog about. Then the last thing I remember is Dr Jackson putting the IV in and telling me hed be giving me something to relax me.

I woke up in recovery! I dont know how long I was out for, maybe a half hour? I tell ya, it was so worth being put out. I have recovered pretty well, no swelling or bruising. Today was the first day I was able to eat real food though, and Ive taken it pretty easy still. My teeth still hurt, and I am still taking my drugs. I forgot to do my salt water rinses until today...oops! But I already have soft tissue growing back, so I think I should be OK.

I hope one day I can get over my fear of anything hospital related, but I dont think I will. It will be with me for always, Im sure.

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Almost a Good Weekend

Well we almost made it all weekend without having any problems. Almost.

Until late this afternoon, when we were eating dinner and had a crying fest at the table. All five of us, crying, while we ate our dinner. Me saying that if I could I would do everything in my power to bring back daddy, but that I couldnt no matter how hard I wished for it.

I wish I knew how to make the kids feel better. I wish I could take away their pain. I wish I could get through to the boy and help him, because he is struggling as he wont share his feelings, and gets angry. I wish I could explain why he died, why he left us, but I cant. I dont have the words to do any of that. I just dont know how to make them feel better.

I wish that our family counseling was starting sooner, but we have to wait till November 12th. Next week. We can wait that long I guess. I really hope it helps the kids, because I just dont have the resources to help them through this. I am trying, but I guess I am not doing a good enough job. I think the problem is that as Mommy, I am also having to bear all the responsibility. So that means I am the one who has to handle the day to day stuff, and I cant be sad all the time, I cant grieve every single day, and I cant cry all the time. I wonder if that is having a negative effect on the kids, them not seeing me grieve, but what can I do? I have to be strong for them.

My grieving is done through my blog, through my chats with my friends and siblings and mom. Its in private, and away from the kids most of the time. Its at night when I say goodnight to him, and that I love him, and sometimes cry myself to sleep. Its hard for the baby too though, because if she sees me crying and sad all the time, she is as well. Shes very intuitive, and I dont want her to pick up on my emotions.

Being Mommy though has its disadvantages. And by saying "Mommy", I mean the one who has to be responsible and strong for the kids. Because I have to hide my feelings a lot, I find it sneaks up on me and I feel panicky and anxious at the most random times. I have to tell myself "Yes, he is gone, I love him and miss him, but there is nothing I can do to bring him back". I have to calm myself down and realize that I CAN do this, though I might not want to. I have to tell myself that its ok to be scared, ok to want to scream because I feel like Im in the worse nightmare possible, that its OK to feel everything. And I do want to scream sometimes because I am so very frightened to do this without him. It is/was my worst fear ever to be alone without him, and now I am living the nightmare.

Well, nightmares, crying, sadness, anger, and all that other crap aside, we had fun Trick or Treating last night. Yesterday it rained off and on and I was really worried Id have to take the kids to a crowded Halloween Party. But the sun prevailed, and we were left with fantastic TOTing weather. The kids filled about 5 of those Halloween Pumpkin buckets worth of candy!! We must have hit a pretty affluent area, because a LOT of the homes gave out full size candy bars. I let the kids have full run of their candy for the first few days or so, just to get it out of their system, and then the interest slowly goes away. Theyre already getting sick of it! lol

So, heres to a new month. November already! Can you believe it?

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A Note About Health from one curvy girl to another

Last week I was on Pinterest, indulging myself in a pinning frenzy, and I came across one of the best blog posts I have ever read. Seriously, its one I will never forget. The post was titled, "Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls...So I Will," from the Militant Baker. Jes wrote about falling in love with my body, she wrote about confidence. As I read the words, I couldnt help but desperately relate to everything she was saying. I needed to read all of those things. Yet for some reason when I got to the end I was craving more. I loved that Jes focused so much on accepting our bodies how they are. But right now in my life I am in the middle of a major transformation. Ive started losing weight, not because Im ashamed of being fat, but because my health was at risk.

 So while I want to learn to accept my body the way it is, I also want to treat it better than I have in the past. And maybe Jes and I dont see eye to eye on this idea, but I believe that with accepting ourselves comes the desire for self improvement. Im not talking about changing the way you look to fit in with what the world says a woman should look like. Im talking about changing the way way you feel. Im talking about improving quality of life, Im talking about being healthy no matter what you weigh or what section of the store you buy jeans in. So I decided to write a note about health to all the curvy women out there. Not to add to or correct anything Jes said, but to address a similar issue from a different perspective. And in the off chance that she sees this, I want to thank Jes for her blog, I deeply appreciate her perspective, and she is an inspiring woman. 

So to get started....

You Can be Healthy and Curvy

In junior high I was on dance company and in the best shape of my life, but somehow I was still a little chunky. My mom was puzzled about my weight. She didnt understand how I could be dancing 5-10 hours a week, eating well balanced meals at home, but still be overweight. She wasnt the only one who was confused, every time I went in for a check up with the doctor they tested my thyroid, my blood pressure, my cholesterol, blood glucose levels, and everything came back normal. While all my blood tests were fine, I was still classified as obese on the Body Mass Index. Through years and years of having the BMI chart pounded into my head I developed an extreme insecurity about my body. That stupid chart says I should be 125 pounds! I dont even think I weighed that in 6th grade! It seemed so frustrating and impossible to get to that point at the time that I eventually gave up on eating healthy and exercising. Thats how I ended up 285 pounds with high cholesterol. I gave up on being healthy because it was too overwhelming living up to a chart. 

At that time, heres what I didnt understand: the Body Mass Index does not figure in bone density, muscle mass or genetics. It only considers height and weight. It doesnt account for curves. It doesnt recognize that I inherited my aunts large boobs or my moms big hips and thighs. When I was in junior high and completely healthy by every standard but the Body Mass Index. I shouldnt have freaked out about that damn chart. I shouldnt have let it dictate how I felt about my body. But most importantly, I shouldnt have let it make me feel so overwhelmed that I turned to unhealthy habits. 

So when I finally recommitted myself to getting healthy, by the time I got down to 210 from 285 my cholesterol was normal, my blood pressure was fine, my blood glucose levels were of no concern, and I was still a long way off from being considered a healthy weight by the BMI. Thats when I realized that it is possible to be curvy and healthy. I have a hard time believing I will ever get down to 125 pounds. And Im O.K. with that as long as Im doing everything I can to ensure that my body is healthy and functioning properly. Im not at my goal weight, but losing weight now has turned into less of a focus on the number on the scale and more about getting my body to the point that I can do any physical activity I want with more comfort and confidence. 

You Dont Need a Thigh Gap to be Happy
When I first started working with social media in the health industry, I would spend hours searching through pins, posts and tweets to see what people were talking about. Thats when I came across"Thinspo."  Thinspo or Thinspiration is a culmination of meal plans, quotes, images and workouts to help girls get unrealistically thin. I spent time looking at profile after profile of women obsessed with Thinspo, fixated on the appearance of their bodies. I noticed a common trend in all the profiles: most of these women yearned for coveted thigh gap (you know the thigh gap, right? Where if you stand with your feet together, the top of your thighs dont touch). But that wasnt the only trend, most of them also had eating disorders or engaged in self mutilation.I looked at pictures of fast plans, self-hate notes, bottles of laxatives, shallow cuts, small puncture wounds, girls with ribs sticking out, and girls with yellowed teeth. I looked until I was in tears. I wondered how these girls got to that point, so lost and so deep in the haze of self hatred that they forget to care for their physical well being. 

Heres the thing, when we start obsessing about the way we look, we neglect the way we feel. We focus all of our energy on unrealistic physical goals and it makes us feel inadequate. Those emotions go unchecked and they build until we reach a breaking point. Weve all experienced self loathing or insecurity about our bodies on some level, but never let those insecurities dictate something as important as your health.These women are hurting and they have a hard time loving their bodies. They work and work to get that thigh gap and when they do its never good enough. What they dont realize is that skinny thighs dont bring happiness. You can be stick thin and still hate your body. You can be stick thin and completely unhealthy on a physical and emotional level. So heres my point: obsessing over your body will not bring you happiness, in fact it can do the exact opposite. I have thick thighs, it would take drastic measures to get a thigh gap, and Im not willing to do that to myself. My thighs will be as big or small as they are when Im eating healthy and exercising, theres nothing wrong with having a little meat on the bone, ladies, so long as youre focusing on improving your quality of life.

Youll Never Look Like a Model, and Thats Good

The fashion industry isnt necessarily kind to curvy girls. Most of the models used in magazines are a size 2-4.     Even models used in plus-size advertisements are on the smaller side of being plus size, some are even a size 8-10. Not only are these women pretty small to begin with, but they go through airbrushing and touch-ups in Photoshop to slim down legs, brighten skin, remove blemishes, and smooth out rolls. What you see in the magazines is not real life. I know youve heard it before. But seriously, its not real. I dont want to burst your bubble, but even if you buy what the ad is selling youre not going to look like the model selling it. And honestly, 99% of the time, the model in the photo doesnt even look like that in real life. When you look at someone in a magazine and aspire to have her flat stomach or pencil-thin legs, youre not looking at something real. Youre not looking at something realistic to aspire to. Youre looking at a distorted picture. Its fake, and you deserve better than fake. You are beautiful even if you dont look like you stepped out of a magazine. And I know at times thats easy to forget, you know, that theres more to life than looking like society wants you to, but its so important to make an effort to remind yourself of your personal worth. I find that the more I fall in love with my body, the more I want to spoil myself with eating healthy food and getting off the couch and doing something active.

Not All Skinny Girls are Bitches

You see a girl, shes gorgeous and thin, guys are flocking around her and while you dont know her, you secretly hate her. Shes a skinny bitch. Ever done this? Im not proud of it, but I have had this judgmental attitude before. Sometimes I just think, "She has no idea what its like to shop in the plus size section, she doesnt know what its like being me." True. She doesnt, but that doesnt mean that she doesnt have her own struggles. Maybe shes struggled with some of the same self-image issues you have but on a different level. Or maybe she spends hours in the gym sculpting that body that you assume comes so effortlessly. Just because someone hasnt had the exact same health struggles youve have had, doesnt mean they cant relate to the feelings associated with self improvement. Who knows, maybe that girl has done exactly what youre trying to do. Maybe she has some advice that could really help you out. Maybe shes looking for a workout buddy. When did it become OK to not like someone based on the fact that they are smaller than you? Honestly, its juvenile. As someone who is curvy, I am always hopeful that people give me the benefit of the doubt regardless of how I look. So its very hypocritical of me to not give someone the benefit of the doubt because their size makes me feel self conscious. Its hard to take care of your body when youre constantly comparing yourself and hating on others bodies. And the bottom line: Negativity isnt healthy. 

Curvy can be sexy, skinny can be sexy. Each is sexy in its own unique way and appreciated differently by different people, but whats even sexier than both of those physical characteristics is health. Healthy is sexy. The ability to enjoy life in whatever way you choose without being held captive by self-hate or insecurities is sexy. Health brings freedom. Life is much more enjoyable when you feel good inside and out. Ive learned that being healthy comes in all different shapes and sizes. Health is not a measure of how you look, its a measure of how you feel. 

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Im Afraid To Think About Him

Thinking about him is painful.

Ive told other people Im fine with doing the day to day stuff without him because that is what were used to. Because he was gone for weeks at a time, and we mostly spoke on the phone, so I had to manage everything here on my end...but with his help.

If I keep busy, I dont think. I dont want to think. I dont want the edges of the pain to slowly peel away, revealing what is really going on in there, because it hurts too much. And when I dont think, I feel OK. Still incredibly sad, but at least I am not thinking about him every. single. minute.

Is that wrong of me? There is no right or wrong way to grieve, I know that. But I feel guilty for not wanting to think about him. But its the only way I know how to cope! I just cant handle those sneaky little thoughts. Im denying myself the right to think about him, because I am afraid to cry, afraid to feel sad, afraid that I will become a sobbing mess and distraught all over again.

I wish I knew if it was ok to do this, I dont know if I should, or if by denying myself the pain, that I am only prolonging my grieving. I still am grieving, but I avoid like the plague, the things that cause me the most sadness.

My husband was a HUGE, HUGE, fan of Opie and Anthony, a talk radio show on XM. He listened to them every. single. day. All the time, he was even somewhat obsessive with it, lol. On Saturday nights, they had another show on that channel called Weird Medicine hosted by Dr Steve. They did segments on Truckers, and Barry was supposed to be a regular contributor. On September 19th, he was on the show talking, and Dr Steve gave me the link to the show. Last night I listened to it and recorded Barry talking.

That was such a huge, big, incredibly stupid, mistake on my part. I cried so hard hearing his voice. I dont want to hear his voice, but I wanted to save the clip for posterity, so the kids could hear his voice down the road.

I dont think about him too much, I prefer to occupy my time with other stuff, but its hard not to let that little sliver of Barry slip into my head, and then the waterworks start. When he died, I had this intense need to write down everything he told me. EVERYTHING. but then I started blogging, and I havent wanted to do that. I just dont want to think about him. But how can I not?

So what do I do? Do I close my mind to thoughts of him? Or do I think about him constantly until Im emotionally and physically exhausted? Is it wrong of me to not want to think of him, or is it completely normal? I dont want the kids to think I dont love their dad, that I dont miss him, that I dont want to talk about him, but its so fucking hard to do that. I cant even look at his pictures. They can, but I just CANT. I dont want them to get the wrong impression, that Im not grieving, but I have to be strong for them.

Am I doing him a disservice by not thinking of him? by avoiding him? I love him so much that my heart feels like it is splitting apart because I am so sad. I really dont know HOW I can go on and do this without him. I dont feel like it will EVER get better. Yeah, its only been two weeks, but I just dont know how I will ever feel happy again. How I will ever get over this pain, this feeling of drowning and desperation.

Im just so confused!

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