Almost 30 Years of Barry

I have so much to write this weekend, but cant seem to get my thoughts straight at all. The difficulty of that stems from the fact that we have two birthdays this weekend. Today was Barrys 30th Birthday. Tomorrow is As 4th Birthday. Tomorrow is my sisters 23d Birthday.

I suspected that today would be a hard day for us, but it wasnt all that bad to be honest. I purposely planned As birthday for today so we could get through it. I had her party at Chuck E Cheeses this morning, upon the insistence of my friend Rebecca who encouraged me to have a party for her even though i wasnt feeling it this year. The party went great actually! She was spoiled by all her friends that came, and we enjoyed white and chocolate cupcakes with pink and purple frosting. The weather was beautiful today, so when we got home, the kids and I had an impromptu photo shoot outside. I got some beautiful photos that I will be printing out and framing. We really did have a fantastic afternoon in the sunshine.

My plan for the night was to take the kids to our favorite family restaurant, and Barrys favorite, a local Chinese Buffet. I had actually decided ages ago though, that we would go there every year on his birthday. A way to honor his memory in a way. It really was his favorite restaurant, he LOVED it there. After his funeral in October, my family and his family, all my family, we all went to the restaurant together to honor him as well. We had such a good time that Friday night, and the kids and I had a good time tonight too. But walking into that restaurant without him was strange, surreal...I felt memories wash over me like a tsnunami. Even the smell reminded me of him.

As I sat there at the table with the kids, I could see him sitting across from me. My memories were so incredibly vivid, that I could really see him sitting there in his black t-shirt, a plate piled high with Chinese food and a beer in front of him. I could see him, hear him...I almost could have reached out and touched him.

Never before have my memories been so vivid. Never before in the last five months has he been so real to me. It was almost a comfort to me, knowing I could conjure him up just like that. I dont know that I could ever, will ever, do that again though. It was nice to see him, but I dont know...I just dont know.

I really expected myself to be a snivelling mess today, but you know what, I havent cried once. We sang Happy Birthday to Daddy, we went out for dinner to his favorite restaurant, we laughed and we remembered him. I have the kids working on writing him a letter, which I am going to have them do every year around his birthday. They can read them when they are older. I myself bought him a card yesterday when i was at Target, and that surprisingly was the hardest for me, and I sobbed as I picked it out. I had the same idea for myself as I did for the kids: I will buy him a card every year, write in it and seal it, and then open it up years down the road, or leave it for the kids when I am no longer here anymore.

Tomorrow is As 4th birthday. I am going to try write about her if I can...but writing about two birthdays in two days, is a bit much for me. Emotionally exhausting if you may.

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Lists

I wanted to talk about a bunch of different topics, subjects, what have you, but as there is too much, I will just list it, and summarize everything.

• I cant remember the last time I really cleaned my room. I think it was before Barry was to come home, before he went into the hospital. After he died, and mom and I were cleaning for out of town company, we used my room as a catch all. I still have his clothes where I left them. His Fridge, a bin full of stuff to bring to goodwill, his Army duffel bag full of his clean AND dirty laundry. Countless bags of Christmas presents on the floor and stuffed into the closet. The clothes I bought for the Salvation Army kids, the clothes I bought myself at Old Navy yesterday, my clean clothes stacked on a box. Books, clutter,, his computers and lap top bag, a random sock of his from last august that he left at home by accident, paper work, just clutter. I have to clear a path really, its very messy. And mom, I know youre reading this, rest assured it will be clean before you come over at Christmas. No bitching allowed! haha

• I still havent touched his clothes from where I put them when I emptied his truck. Everything is how I left it when I first put it there. Though I really suppose I SHOULD charge the lap top, I havent used it in a few weeks.

• I havent folded laundry properly in weeks

• My son asked if he could do the dishes before school this morning because i left them from last night and the kitchen was messy. So yes, I did do them after they went to school

• As it is painfully obvious, housework is not a priority for me right now. I have to get my butt in gear though because I have 4 family members coming in from out of town for Christmas in just over a month.
  

• I almost bought Barry a pair of slippers the other day because I knew his were worn out and in need of replacement. I was going to buy him new work gloves, new slippers, and a new duffel bag...all of which he desperately needed.

• We started family grief support Thursday night. I didnt get anything out of it. Im hoping this will change, but I do understand it is geared to the kids. Almost everyone there lost someone to cancer. I felt very out of place.

• I talked to Barrys school today regarding his account, transcripts and everything. It made me very sad that he will never get to see his dream fulfilled. He was such an AWESOME student! On the Deans list every semester. Im in the process of getting copies of his transcripts and Deans list letters to save for the kids. I want to show them how much of a wonderful student their daddy was.

• Yesterday I a let my 3.5 year old watch Mickeys Twice Upon a Christmas twice in a row and I didnt care. I also didnt shower till 10:30 yesterday morning.

• Last night I took the kids to Costco after an early dinner. Before we left, I thought to myself, "Oh, I better call Barry to let him know were going out".

• I dont think there has been more than a one day span where I havent gone out since Barry got home October 4th. I go somewhere almost every day. Before, I would only go out every few days. Now I HAVE to go somewhere, do something, anything, to keep my mind off things and keep busy and entertained.

• Today I took my kids Christmas shopping and out for lunch. We had a subway gift card for lunch, but do you know how HARD it is to corral 4 kids in small restaurant? Plus keep them reasonably quiet and well mannered? Its impossible. Then we headed to Old Navy, Toys R Us, Target and Pier One. I will say this: There is a reason I only do my shopping during the week when the three oldest are in school.

• I am hoping, crossing my fingers, anything, that 2010 is a better year for us. A year for healing, a year for laughter, a year for new memories. I hope its our year to be happy.
  

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A Love Letter From Beyond

Once in awhile I find these real gems of Barry. I know its him reaching out to me, letting me know he still loves me and cares about me, and misses and loves all of us. The other day I happened to find his school papers on his laptop, and while I havent read them yet, they are there, and I do plan to get them printed and bound for the kids one day.

Today I found probably one of the best gems to date, so much so that I had to shut my bedroom door and just cry and cry to myself. I was packing up my bedroom, and found in a box that I had, a letter that Barry wrote me November 26th, 2004. I have read this many times, but not for at least two years. I packed it up in this box when we moved from our previous home, and never fully unpacked it. We often packed each other notes when he left for work as Truck Driver, and sometimes I would get lucky and he would send me a letter in the mail. This was one of those times. It struck me how fitting this letter was to our situation right now, especially the last few paragraphs. Little did he know he would pass in just a mere five years, but at least I have this to remind me of our love, and how much he loved me.

Barry was so eloquent in his writing. He was also a very private person, never fully sharing his feelings, but sometimes his feelings would surface, and the real Barry would show. I know how he felt about me, but to find this letter he wrote me, I felt he was reaching out to me again to remind me of how strong our love was, of how much he loved me, and cared about me. And now I am going to share it with you. It is long, be prepared, and have some tissues handy, as I sobbed like a baby when I read it. This letter was quite possibly one of Barrys finest, and really shows his true self.

11/26/04 Arlington, TX

My Dearest Joanna;

As you can see, Im in Arlington, TX. I got into Fort Worth early and, surprisingly, they unloaded me immediately. So now Im sitting in front of McLanes better than eleven hours before my scheduled delivery time. I only slept about four hours last night, but Im not terribly tired. I figured, since you took the time to slip a note amongst my things, it would only be fair that I use some of my free time to write to you.

I really enjoyed the time we spent together at home. Through a character named Paul Edgecombe, Stephen King once wrote, "A man with a good wife is the luckiest of Gods creatures, and one without must be the most miserable, I thing; the only true blessing of their lives that they dont know how poorly-off they are."

If there is a truer statement on marriage, I have never heard it. Sometimes I think that the reason I have such poor luck with the lottery or gambling is that all of my luck goes to having a beautiful and faithful wife and beautiful healthy kids. All in all, I am satisfied. Sometimes I think its the little things that matter most. It might seem to be tedious, but all of the little things you do for me add up to one huge part of our relationship and our understanding of each other. The other day I threw out my garbage and found that I had no other grocery bags to put any more trash in. I ended up stretching out a tiny Taco Bell bag over the arm rest of the passenger seat. Hours later as I was preparing to go to sleep after my 36-hour day, I opened my green duffel bag and found that you had stuffed two handfuls of grocery bags in amongst my things. Despite my hardened nature, I was strangely touched that you had done that. Not that Im going soft or anything, it only proves my theory of my personal dichotomy. As tough as I am and as ruthless as I can be if necessary, my wife and my kids inspire in me a love greater than I ever thought possible. If I were Superman, you would be my Kryptonite. No, maybe thats not right. Youre not just my weakness, youre also my motivation. I do what I do because of you, for you.

I was driving along today and started thinking about all of the good things I have. I dont own a lot, but I have things that are the envy of those who do. How many rat-racing, keep-up-with-the-Joneses people can honestly say that theyre happy with their home-lives? Despite what Tom Leykis says, I have a strong suspicion that he would trade it all for someone like you. Not just a hole and tits, but a friend and similar personality.

When we first met, I wanted this to go well. When we started getting ready to be married, I knew I was only going to do this once. I figured if I were to fail once, Id continue to do so. But I dont believe that I envisioned us as we are now. Years later, I cant even recall what I thought our life together would be. I do know however, that my precognition fell way short of what its really like. We dont just have sex and share a dinner table and then only exist. We have fun. We joke and fart and tease and touch. We kiss and say, "I love you" so much that the average observer probably thinks that were newly-involved or perhaps the cheating espousage of unknowing partners. But were not. Weve been married for nearly five years, which makes us not only vets at this, but pretty much the authority on marriage. Just the idea that after so much time together we are still attracted to each other makes us pariahs in this society.

I still have cause to smile when I think of things you do or say. Like how you draw little faces, happy or sad, in your notes, as though to further emphasize your emotions on a certain topic.

Remember when we went on that marriage retreat to Chiemsee? Remember how, after the first session with the Chaplain, our kissing and holding hands started to become highly contagious? By the second session, every couple in there were doing the same as us. They looked at us and saw how they used to be, and how nice it was to be like that. Unlike many of them, however, were still like that. That might leave us out of the "chic" scene or make us seem abnormal, but Id rather have you then anyone or anything else in the world.

I know that Im not usually one to say these types of things, but it is the way I feel. Im often closed on the subject of emotion, but there are many factors about my life that govern my personality. Some of them you understand, but many will always be a mystery to you. I dont want you to ever feel like youre not appreciated or respected by me. I have more respect and admiration for you than I do for anyone else; even myself. You do the things that enable me to do what I do. For that I will forever be indebted to you, Joanna. I could live forever and never be able to repay you enough.

The Bible says that the wise man builds his house upon a rock, because building on sand will wreck the structure. Youre the rock upon which Ive built. You are what sustains the structure of our household. That may sound like a big responsibility, and it is. It requires you to not only depend, but be depended on. And youve done very well so far. And I have every confidence that my rock will stay steady.

Some country singer wrote a song called "She Thinks She Needs Me." The lyrics to that song are very pertinent to me. You think you need ME? I need you more than you need me, darling. Without you, Im just a guy. With you I am anything I want to be; an unstoppable effigy that is able to do magnificent things.

Thank you, Joanna. Thank you for loving me and helping me. I love you. I love you more than words could ever hope to express.

Tell the kids I love them and miss them. I miss you. I love you.

Love eternal,

Me XOXO "XXXO" <-thats a porno kiss!

I love you too, darling. Forever.

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Almost a Good Weekend

Well we almost made it all weekend without having any problems. Almost.

Until late this afternoon, when we were eating dinner and had a crying fest at the table. All five of us, crying, while we ate our dinner. Me saying that if I could I would do everything in my power to bring back daddy, but that I couldnt no matter how hard I wished for it.

I wish I knew how to make the kids feel better. I wish I could take away their pain. I wish I could get through to the boy and help him, because he is struggling as he wont share his feelings, and gets angry. I wish I could explain why he died, why he left us, but I cant. I dont have the words to do any of that. I just dont know how to make them feel better.

I wish that our family counseling was starting sooner, but we have to wait till November 12th. Next week. We can wait that long I guess. I really hope it helps the kids, because I just dont have the resources to help them through this. I am trying, but I guess I am not doing a good enough job. I think the problem is that as Mommy, I am also having to bear all the responsibility. So that means I am the one who has to handle the day to day stuff, and I cant be sad all the time, I cant grieve every single day, and I cant cry all the time. I wonder if that is having a negative effect on the kids, them not seeing me grieve, but what can I do? I have to be strong for them.

My grieving is done through my blog, through my chats with my friends and siblings and mom. Its in private, and away from the kids most of the time. Its at night when I say goodnight to him, and that I love him, and sometimes cry myself to sleep. Its hard for the baby too though, because if she sees me crying and sad all the time, she is as well. Shes very intuitive, and I dont want her to pick up on my emotions.

Being Mommy though has its disadvantages. And by saying "Mommy", I mean the one who has to be responsible and strong for the kids. Because I have to hide my feelings a lot, I find it sneaks up on me and I feel panicky and anxious at the most random times. I have to tell myself "Yes, he is gone, I love him and miss him, but there is nothing I can do to bring him back". I have to calm myself down and realize that I CAN do this, though I might not want to. I have to tell myself that its ok to be scared, ok to want to scream because I feel like Im in the worse nightmare possible, that its OK to feel everything. And I do want to scream sometimes because I am so very frightened to do this without him. It is/was my worst fear ever to be alone without him, and now I am living the nightmare.

Well, nightmares, crying, sadness, anger, and all that other crap aside, we had fun Trick or Treating last night. Yesterday it rained off and on and I was really worried Id have to take the kids to a crowded Halloween Party. But the sun prevailed, and we were left with fantastic TOTing weather. The kids filled about 5 of those Halloween Pumpkin buckets worth of candy!! We must have hit a pretty affluent area, because a LOT of the homes gave out full size candy bars. I let the kids have full run of their candy for the first few days or so, just to get it out of their system, and then the interest slowly goes away. Theyre already getting sick of it! lol

So, heres to a new month. November already! Can you believe it?

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