No Christmas Spirit

I am positive this is all due to Barry being dead, but I have none. zilch. zip.  zero. none.

I have my tree up, and all my decor.  I even put light up candy canes outside on my front lawn, and you can see my tree through my bay window from the outside, and it looks awesome.

Yet something is missing.  It doesnt feel like Christmas here at all.  Well, maybe a little bit, but not very much at all.  I have all my shopping done, but have not wrapped any presents.  I have not done any baking.  I rarely listen to Christmas music.  We finally put together our gingerbread house last night.

In years past, this was all the norm.  I made dozens and dozens of cookies, Christmas music was on all the time ad nauseum, and I was just so excited for Christmas to come.  I shopped and shopped and planned everything out to the last detail.

Last year obviously was the exception, and I didnt do anything.  We didnt even make a gingerbread house, which has been a yearly tradition since I can remember.  Since E was a baby in 2002 actually.  Last year was horrid.  My friend Rebecca mentioned that because last year was such a blur, we were still in shock, that its all hitting me this year.

I am doing so many different things this year, that its a bit disconcerting I think.  Maybe because we are going to Canada for Christmas that I havent really planned too much.  Or maybe because Barry isnt with us anymore, that it doesnt feel like Christmas anymore.  This is our first "real" normal Christmas without him, and it isnt even a real Christmas because we are going out of the country and spending it with my family.

I have to force myself to wrap presents for the kids and I actually, Im so slow with that!  I dont know, I just dont seem to care this year.  Maybe Ill feel differently once we get to my moms place on Christmas eve and start celebrating.  But until then, I wont really know.  I just dont care about the holiday, and almost wish it would just be over and done with already.

Someone needs to give me some Christmas spirit and stat!  Lets not even talk about New Years Eve yet.

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Happy New Year!

I intended to start this year off good, and I have done that already! Im sorry for my recent absence, the Christmas season was incredibly busy for us and full of family, and lots of fun.

Christmas turned out quite well, albeit very busy for us.  We left here early Christmas eve and got to my dads house shortly before noon, so it really only took me a few hours driving.  That day was insane! We were at my dads for a few hours, then went to my moms house for Christmas eve with my mom, step dad, brother, sister, step brother, and myself and all the kids.  Then much to my surprise, two old family friends showed up that I hadnt seen since 99 probably!!  They were best friends with my brother and sister, and I used to babysit them, plus we were all neighbors years ago.  It was a great day, and we had a ton of fun.

Christmas day was fun, but with normal family drama, and a turkey that just took forever and a day to cook.  My oldest Uncle was there, and I hadnt seen him since July of 97, so that was just a real treat to spend time with him again.  The kids took to him like glue, and we got a lot of great family photos with him and my dad, step mom and all of us kids plus my kids.  It was a really long day though, and we were exhausted by the time it was over.

Boxing day (the day after Christmas for you non-Canadians), my brother, sister and I went to my Omas house for lunch, and spent the morning with her.  She made us a pot of delicious homemade pea soup, which we all just loved.  Then it was time for my brother and I to bring my sister home, so we did so, but then got caught at the border for an hour, and didnt get home till 6PM that day.  It was just go-go-go the whole time, but we had a great time, and it was nice to reconnect with family again.  We hadnt seen my brother in a year either, because he lives so far away, so he stayed to visit with us for a couple days too.  So really, we were non-stop from Christmas eve till the 28th, a busy 5 days it was.

And then yesterday was New Years Eve!!  I remember last year I was dreading New Years Eve, it was a horrible day for me.  I didnt want to leave Barry behind in 2009, so passing into 2010 was quite hard for me.  But I really think I did OK this past year, I had a lot of ups and downs, my life completely turned around and went in so many directions I never ever imagined possible.



I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and a wonderful new years!!

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New Cell Phone

Not really a new one, but I am using Barrys cell phone.  It has sat practically unused since his death, gathering dust in my nightstand drawer.  

Since my blackberry was about to die, and I kept getting error messages, I knew I had to get a new phone, or else switch.  I really didnt feel like spending the $100 on a new blackberry when the one I had in my drawer was next to new.  We got these phones in August of 2009, and Barry used it for only 6 weeks before he died.  I had it on for the month of October, and then I had it deactivated.

I wanted to keep his phone the way it was, but really, what good is it doing just sitting there? It is practically brand new, has barely been used, and I needed a new phone.  So yesterday I made the switch, and put all my stuff on his phone and re-activated it.  It felt kind of strange though, I completely wiped everything of his off the phone and made it my own.

Is that wrong of me? I felt a little guilty doing it, like I should have saved it as is for posteritys sake.  As I was talking to the Verizon agent on the phone as she walked me through everything, I told her he would say to me "just use it already, its going to waste".  So I did.  And saved myself $100 in the process.  Plus, my contract with Verizon hasnt been renewed and I can cancel anytime I want.  Not that I will, because I am quite happy with them, but its nice knowing that I can if I want.

I know its only a cell phone, but it took me a  year and a half to do this.  What does it mean for me? That I am one step closer to healing? Kind of silly if you think about it I guess.

Its just a damn phone, and I needed one.

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So No More Grief Support

I suppose I realized long ago that we were ready to be done with it, but it wasnt until yesterday that I really felt OK with stopping.

Our last session was actually at the end of January, and I told our group that we would be missing the February 14th session due to it being Valentines day, and I wanted to spend it with James.  The time after that I had to skip because gas prices were rising, and I couldnt afford it that week.  It is a 45 minute drive for us one way, so that uses up a lot of gas.  The last session we missed was earlier this month, and we were all set to go, but then my son M woke up with a 102 fever that day, so no more grief support.

Yesterday was another session (they run every other week, twice a month), but I was dreading the drive.  I really dont like driving that far on a school night because we dont get home till 9PM, and then the kids still have to shower.  I asked the three older kids why they liked going, and their first answers were because they "like playing in the gym".  That pretty much answered my question on whether or not we should continue.

When I told them that we would be no longer attending after last night, they werent too terribly upset. My plan was to go so we could say our goodbyes and have one last session.  But then we landed up not going anyway because Kid #3, E, wasnt done her science fair project on time and it was due today.  So we stayed home.

And were done with it.

And I feel OK.

I actually feel like there is a huge weight off my shoulders because I dont feel obligated to go anymore.  We have been in Grief Support continuously since Barry passed away, so we have gone a LONG time.  Its OK to be relieved to be closing that chapter right? We really do feel OK right now, and we are doing really well.  In two weeks it will be 18 months ago that Barry passed away, and while I feel we really dont need that constant support anymore, I know that there will still be moments of sadness, anger and crying.  And that is OK, I know that.  And I am prepared for the fact that the kids and I may need additional counseling later on in life, but for now we dont need it anymore

Were moving on.

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Im Afraid To Think About Him

Thinking about him is painful.

Ive told other people Im fine with doing the day to day stuff without him because that is what were used to. Because he was gone for weeks at a time, and we mostly spoke on the phone, so I had to manage everything here on my end...but with his help.

If I keep busy, I dont think. I dont want to think. I dont want the edges of the pain to slowly peel away, revealing what is really going on in there, because it hurts too much. And when I dont think, I feel OK. Still incredibly sad, but at least I am not thinking about him every. single. minute.

Is that wrong of me? There is no right or wrong way to grieve, I know that. But I feel guilty for not wanting to think about him. But its the only way I know how to cope! I just cant handle those sneaky little thoughts. Im denying myself the right to think about him, because I am afraid to cry, afraid to feel sad, afraid that I will become a sobbing mess and distraught all over again.

I wish I knew if it was ok to do this, I dont know if I should, or if by denying myself the pain, that I am only prolonging my grieving. I still am grieving, but I avoid like the plague, the things that cause me the most sadness.

My husband was a HUGE, HUGE, fan of Opie and Anthony, a talk radio show on XM. He listened to them every. single. day. All the time, he was even somewhat obsessive with it, lol. On Saturday nights, they had another show on that channel called Weird Medicine hosted by Dr Steve. They did segments on Truckers, and Barry was supposed to be a regular contributor. On September 19th, he was on the show talking, and Dr Steve gave me the link to the show. Last night I listened to it and recorded Barry talking.

That was such a huge, big, incredibly stupid, mistake on my part. I cried so hard hearing his voice. I dont want to hear his voice, but I wanted to save the clip for posterity, so the kids could hear his voice down the road.

I dont think about him too much, I prefer to occupy my time with other stuff, but its hard not to let that little sliver of Barry slip into my head, and then the waterworks start. When he died, I had this intense need to write down everything he told me. EVERYTHING. but then I started blogging, and I havent wanted to do that. I just dont want to think about him. But how can I not?

So what do I do? Do I close my mind to thoughts of him? Or do I think about him constantly until Im emotionally and physically exhausted? Is it wrong of me to not want to think of him, or is it completely normal? I dont want the kids to think I dont love their dad, that I dont miss him, that I dont want to talk about him, but its so fucking hard to do that. I cant even look at his pictures. They can, but I just CANT. I dont want them to get the wrong impression, that Im not grieving, but I have to be strong for them.

Am I doing him a disservice by not thinking of him? by avoiding him? I love him so much that my heart feels like it is splitting apart because I am so sad. I really dont know HOW I can go on and do this without him. I dont feel like it will EVER get better. Yeah, its only been two weeks, but I just dont know how I will ever feel happy again. How I will ever get over this pain, this feeling of drowning and desperation.

Im just so confused!

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Low Carb Lasagna With No Zucchini!

Did you ever watch Garfield? There has never been a cartoon a relate to as much as I do that hungry, chubby cat. Garfields biggest struggle in life is his love for Lasagna, but his need to lose weight. 

I cant even remember the last time that I ate lasagna, noodles and all. Its been too long. 

I have tried zucchini lasagna, and it was pretty good. However, it wasnt a completely authentic lasagna taste (No duh, Low. No noodles. Hello?). Anyway... I wanted to try making noodles with the cauliflower breadstick I made a few weeks ago. I was confident that if you can make a bread stick, you can make a noodle, and if I could make a noodle, I could make Low carb Lasagna. 

Turns out.. I was right :) I found a recipe on peaceloveandlowcarb.com that did just this! I tweaked the recipe a little bit to make it slightly lower in fat! 

This was so good. Like seriously, I know its been awhile since Ive had lasagna, but one bite of this and my inner Garfield was awakened. 

Youll want to try this one this week. Trust me. 

Ingredients

For the Noodles: 
4 oz. Cream Cheese
¼ Cup Parmesan Cheese – Grated2 Eggs
1 ¼ Cup Mozzarella Cheese – Shredded
1/4 tsp. Italian Seasoning
1/4 tsp. Garlic Powder
1/4 tsp. Onion Powder
For the Filling:
1 lb. Lean Ground Turkey¾ Cup Mozzarella Cheese – Shredded
1 ½ Cups tomato sauce, Divided1 Tbs. Onion powder
1 tsp. Dried Oregano
1 tsp. Garlic Powder
1 tsp. Dried Basil
1 tsp. Italian Seasoning
1 tsp. Trulicious powdered stevia
6 Tbs. Low fat ricotta cheese

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Try These Cheesy Cauliflower Bread Sticks

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Directions for the Noodles:
Soften cream cheese in a microwave safe dish. Add in eggs. Cream together. Add Parmesan and seasonings and Mozzarella. Using a wooden spoon, mix well until mostly smooth. 

Spread mixture into a 9x13 inch casserole dish thats either lined with parchment paper or sprayed with Pam. Bake at 375 for 20 minutes. Remove from oven and cool for 20 minutes in the fridge. After cooling, cut into three pieces. 

Directions for Layering and Baking:
In a large skillet brown ground turkey, add 3/4 tomato sauce. Season with onion powder, dried oregano, garlic powder, dried basil, Italian seasoning and Trulicious powdered stevia.

Pour ¼ cup marinara sauce into bottom of loaf pan.  Top with the first “noodle” layer
Layer a third of the ground beef mixture.  Top with ¼ cup mozzarella cheese and 3 Tbs. ricotta cheese, and cover with another “noodle” layer.  Repeat these steps.
Cover the top “noodle” layer with remaining ground beef, and mozzarella cheese. Bake at 350 for 20 minutes. 

Tada! I hope you love this low carb lasagna as much as I did. Unlike the original recipe, I used lean ground turkey, low fat ricotta, and made my own sauce of using store bought. You can view the original recipe here.

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