Goodbye Fog Hello Clouds

I was reading a few blogs today written by fellow widows, and one in particular struck a chord with me regarding the timeline we follow when we grieve.

Grief is a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs, wobbly bits, sharp fast corners and stomach-dropping vomit inducing speeds. And then at times, it is peaceful and quiet, calm even. You cant predict what will happen next, unfortunately, as grief is a roller coaster that doesnt have a set course. It goes in any which way it wants.

Right now I feel I am on the calm tracks of my grief roller coaster. It could change tomorrow, it could change in a week, but right now, I am OK.

Right around the 6 month mark is when some grieving widows/widowers say they start to feel they are getting a handle on their grief. I have noticed that recently when I cry, my tears are different. Theyre more sad. But with that sadness comes a realization that this life is real, and I cant hide from it anymore. Were about 5 months in now, short a couple days, and it has really only been recently that I have noticed this change.

Is it resignation? Have I finally come to terms with Barrys death? Resignation maybe. The fact that I know this is it, that I cant change anything, and this is the life I have been given. But I still havent come to terms with it. Yes, I know he is dead. I am reminded of that every single time I glance at my dresser and see an Oak box sitting upon it, with his name engraved into it. I feel like a conundrum really, despite the fact that I can sense a change in me.

Several months ago I wrote that the fog was lifting. I was wrong, very very wrong. I think at that time, what was lifting was the shock and numbness of it all. I have still walked around in a fog for the past 5 months. Going about life as normal, functioning as I should, but really being like a robot and going through the motions because that was all I knew how to do to get through the day. I dont know what triggered this recent change in me, but I am happy for it.

The fog is lifting, but there are still clouds in the sky. Occasionally a ray of sunshine will filter through.

Read More..

A Day of Goings Wrong

It seems like nothing has gone right today. Everything has reminded me of Barry. EVERYTHING. And Im tired of it, I am so tired.

It started last night when I was looking at some pictures of the day after the funeral. I wanted to see what I looked like before I lost all this weight. He isnt in any of those photos, obviously, its just us Benders and my family. But as I gazed upon myself and my family, seeing us all smiling, I wondered "HOW did I do that? How was I smiling when my heart was still breaking?". I dont know how I did it then, how I put on a happy face when inside I was, and still am, broken. Even now I am astonished that I can smile. I amaze myself sometimes.

As I started crying last night at the computer, I didnt notice that Braddock had come to lay beside me. Through the tears that were clouding my vision, I happened to glance down and see the beast laying beside me. I reached out my hand and started petting his ears, and he put his head on my leg and started loving on me. And as I cried harder, all he did was love me more.

Isnt it amazing how animals just sense it? They know when you need them. I feel so sad for Braddock too, he misses Barry too, I know it.

Today I skipped MOPS because it was the Valentines day one. I know I couldnt handle talking about love and marriage, I didnt want to even put myself in that position. But I missed going, I look forward to it all the time. I just couldnt today.

Then today while I was heading out to run errands, I happened to glance at The Boys student of the week form that he had filled out.

On it he listed "My Father" as the person who he admires.

Instant tears.

I got home and I had a voice mail. But it wasnt a good one. It was the kids health insurance company calling to REMIND ME TO VACCINATE THEM AGAINST H1N1! Well heres a big FUCK YOU to Molina health care for reminding me YET AGAIN that my husband is DEAD because of H1N1. I almost wish I had been home when the call came and that it was a real person on the other end, so that I could have been an uber bitch to them.

Ive cried a lot today. I know I will cry later because I have to prepare my "Barry Presentation" for Grief Works tomorrow. I dont even know if I am going to bother writing anything down. I might take the stuff I wrote for his funeral, I just dont think I could handle writing something new. And thankfully I still have the picture board I made for the funeral, I never took that apart. I have a few mementos I will take too.

Tomorrow I will cry too. A Lot.

Why is it when I feel I am doing ok, that it hits me all again? It has been almost 4 months now, and I am starting to feel the desperation that I felt at the beginning. A feeling of being lost, of being empty, of hopelessness. I thought it was supposed to get better with time, and not worse. Seems like it will NEVER get better.

I am just filled with unmeasurable sadness.

Read More..

A Year Of Memories January 17th 1999

If youve been reading regularly, youll know that I have decided to do "A Year Of Memories" post on every significant day during our marriage and courtship.

I feel like with todays blog post I am backtracking somewhat in mine and Barrys relationship, as it was not the first significant day in our history, but rather the 2nd. However, that first day will have to come December 18th of this year, so be patient for that! lol

By January 17th of 1999, Barry and I had been chatting quite often through email and yahoo. He had sent me an email before asking if we could talk on the phone. I could probably dig through my old emails, which I did save, and find the exact one that he mentioned talking on the phone, but for now my memories will have to do. He told me that he wouldnt spend a lot of money on a phone card, but that he just wanted to hear my voice. So I gave him my phone # and waited....

That day was Super Bowl Sunday. I cant believe it was 11 years ago!

The phone rang at about 9:20AM PST, and I was in the living room at my dads house. I dont remember what I was doing, what I was wearing. I remember nothing of that day but waiting for the phone to ring. And then it did, coming all the way from Germany, from a hallway in the barracks which I would eventually call home less than a year later....

The first thought I remember was how sexy I thought his voice was. I remember writing in my journal how much I LOVED it. I was STOKED that he had an accent. I remember laughing a lot. And I remember just being so excited that I finally got to hear his voice. And I remember just beaming while he talked, just being able to hear him speak.

And unfortunately that is all I remember. But it was such a good day, and always stuck out in my head.

Im sorry I dont have much more of an exciting memory to share with you all, but it was an important one to me. The next day will be February 8th, the day our first two babies were born.

Read More..

A Year of Memories February 24th 1999

I am reluctantly writing tonight. My heart just isnt into it, but I committed to writing all the "A Year of Memories" posts, so I cant go back on it now.

I dont even remember much about this day at all. I couldnt tell you what time of day it was, what I was wearing, or anything else about that day. All I remember is being in a private yahoo chat with Barry. This was before we had even met in person! We had known each other for only two months, and had been talking online and over the phone for those past couple months. I dont remember the conversation either....all I remember are the four words that I saw typed on the screen.

"Will you marry me?"

Of course my answer was a resounding YES!!!

We were stupid kids...really, who proposes in a yahoo chat room? We chuckled about it over the years. That was not the last time Barry proposed to me though, and that last time almost didnt happen. I will share that memory in April actually, as that is when Barry broke my heart.

Im still working on my "I can do it by Myself" post, but havent had much time to really develop it and think it through. Its in the works though, and will be coming soon. Life has not allowed much down time, and when I do get downtime, I just sit like a bum and do nothing because I am always go go go during the day. I am hoping things settle down sometime soon, but I have a feeling they wont be until after we move.

Speaking of moving, my furniture shopping is coming along quite nicely! I have amassed a beautiful living room set, my bedroom set, my formal living room set, a TV stand and a shelving unit that I absolutely fell in love with. All that is left to buy for furniture is the older two girls bedroom set, mattresses for them and myself, a new computer desk, and some bar stools. Oh, and a Piano. Today I purchased the shelving unit and the TV stand, and we will do probably the rest of it on Saturday morning. I would love to show pictures, but I am going to wait until everything is all put together and unpacked.

Moving is projected for Easter weekend! or the weekend before, not quite sure yet.

Read More..