A Day of Goings Wrong

It seems like nothing has gone right today. Everything has reminded me of Barry. EVERYTHING. And Im tired of it, I am so tired.

It started last night when I was looking at some pictures of the day after the funeral. I wanted to see what I looked like before I lost all this weight. He isnt in any of those photos, obviously, its just us Benders and my family. But as I gazed upon myself and my family, seeing us all smiling, I wondered "HOW did I do that? How was I smiling when my heart was still breaking?". I dont know how I did it then, how I put on a happy face when inside I was, and still am, broken. Even now I am astonished that I can smile. I amaze myself sometimes.

As I started crying last night at the computer, I didnt notice that Braddock had come to lay beside me. Through the tears that were clouding my vision, I happened to glance down and see the beast laying beside me. I reached out my hand and started petting his ears, and he put his head on my leg and started loving on me. And as I cried harder, all he did was love me more.

Isnt it amazing how animals just sense it? They know when you need them. I feel so sad for Braddock too, he misses Barry too, I know it.

Today I skipped MOPS because it was the Valentines day one. I know I couldnt handle talking about love and marriage, I didnt want to even put myself in that position. But I missed going, I look forward to it all the time. I just couldnt today.

Then today while I was heading out to run errands, I happened to glance at The Boys student of the week form that he had filled out.

On it he listed "My Father" as the person who he admires.

Instant tears.

I got home and I had a voice mail. But it wasnt a good one. It was the kids health insurance company calling to REMIND ME TO VACCINATE THEM AGAINST H1N1! Well heres a big FUCK YOU to Molina health care for reminding me YET AGAIN that my husband is DEAD because of H1N1. I almost wish I had been home when the call came and that it was a real person on the other end, so that I could have been an uber bitch to them.

Ive cried a lot today. I know I will cry later because I have to prepare my "Barry Presentation" for Grief Works tomorrow. I dont even know if I am going to bother writing anything down. I might take the stuff I wrote for his funeral, I just dont think I could handle writing something new. And thankfully I still have the picture board I made for the funeral, I never took that apart. I have a few mementos I will take too.

Tomorrow I will cry too. A Lot.

Why is it when I feel I am doing ok, that it hits me all again? It has been almost 4 months now, and I am starting to feel the desperation that I felt at the beginning. A feeling of being lost, of being empty, of hopelessness. I thought it was supposed to get better with time, and not worse. Seems like it will NEVER get better.

I am just filled with unmeasurable sadness.

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A Year Of Memories January 17th 1999

If youve been reading regularly, youll know that I have decided to do "A Year Of Memories" post on every significant day during our marriage and courtship.

I feel like with todays blog post I am backtracking somewhat in mine and Barrys relationship, as it was not the first significant day in our history, but rather the 2nd. However, that first day will have to come December 18th of this year, so be patient for that! lol

By January 17th of 1999, Barry and I had been chatting quite often through email and yahoo. He had sent me an email before asking if we could talk on the phone. I could probably dig through my old emails, which I did save, and find the exact one that he mentioned talking on the phone, but for now my memories will have to do. He told me that he wouldnt spend a lot of money on a phone card, but that he just wanted to hear my voice. So I gave him my phone # and waited....

That day was Super Bowl Sunday. I cant believe it was 11 years ago!

The phone rang at about 9:20AM PST, and I was in the living room at my dads house. I dont remember what I was doing, what I was wearing. I remember nothing of that day but waiting for the phone to ring. And then it did, coming all the way from Germany, from a hallway in the barracks which I would eventually call home less than a year later....

The first thought I remember was how sexy I thought his voice was. I remember writing in my journal how much I LOVED it. I was STOKED that he had an accent. I remember laughing a lot. And I remember just being so excited that I finally got to hear his voice. And I remember just beaming while he talked, just being able to hear him speak.

And unfortunately that is all I remember. But it was such a good day, and always stuck out in my head.

Im sorry I dont have much more of an exciting memory to share with you all, but it was an important one to me. The next day will be February 8th, the day our first two babies were born.

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