Im Scared

Last night when James and I went to bed, I lay there with my mind wandering.  He was laying beside me, and fast asleep, while I was cozy in bed and feeling that warm fuzzy feeling that means sleep is overtaking you.  But I was also thinking about this blog, and that I need to write more often.

One of the things I thought about was that I had to eventually write about the day Barry died.

Its been almost 17 months and I still havent written it all down.  The awful, heart wrenching, tear filled memories of October 10th 2009.  

As I lay there in bed, I felt sleep slip away from me as my mind filled with the horrible thoughts of that day.  Thinking about how I would write it down in the blog, but also remembering little details like hearing the doctors say they couldnt find a heart rhythm.  And hearing the monitor go flat when they stopped.  Seeing the white patches on his chest from them shocking him.  Thats all I can handle writing right now.

Immediately I felt my eyes fill up with tears, and I thought, I cant deal with this right now.  Im not ready to write about it, Im not ready to talk about it, I just want to block it from my memory.  Maybe its different with another "death scenario", with someone who hasnt been by their spouses side as they die, but just heard the news over the phone or some other way.  Someone who hasnt seen the person they love die in their arms in really tragic circumstances.  For me though, it was the very worst day of my life, and I will forever be scarred by those events, memories.  They always will haunt me.

I didnt want to remember anymore last night, I was getting more and more upset with each passing thought, so I reached my hand over and shook James awake.  I asked him to hug me, and he lay there in bed holding me as I collected my thoughts, and calmed down as best as I could.  My heart rate slowed down, I felt more relaxed, and I thanked him for being there for me.  Then I rolled over and read my kindle for a few minutes before I couldnt keep my eyes open anymore.

The truth is, I am scared.  I am so scared to write about that day, and I know Ive been avoiding it.  There is no timeline for when I have to do it, I dont ever have to if I dont want to, but I know I should... I just need to remember.  Its the same reason I took pictures of Barry after he passed away.  I have those hidden away on the computer somewhere where I never look at them.  Call it morbid curiosity, but I HAD to do that.  I had to.  And I just have to write about that entire day, and I will some day, but Im just not ready yet.

Im scared.

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Disneyland But Later

Everyone and their dog knows I am planning on taking the kids to Disneyland, right?

My original plan was to go soon, and I was planning on late March or early April. But unfortunately I think I have bitten off more than I can chew, and I cant handle planning that right now.

Right now I am in the middle of looking for houses, and even put an offer on one yesterday! House shopping is very time consuming, so I have been super busy with that. Plus I have a few other obligations I cant get out of, so I just figured that Disney can wait.

The time I am shooting for is October of this year. I know that is 10 months away, but honestly, I think it would be easier for us to go then. It will be one year then, and to have us all distracted, and having fun and laughing, will be what Barry would have wanted. Rather than us sitting at home being depressed, and missing him, we will be out having fun and enjoying ourselves. Celebrating his life, and how much of a wonderful and loving daddy, husband and friend he was.

Sorry for not blogging often, I really have been so busy that I havent felt like sitting down to write. But rest assured, my first "A Year of Memories" post will be coming up soon! And if I get the house I put an offer on, I will post that information too. I cant wait to share it all with you!

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Sixteen Months Later

Sixteen Months Later....

And I still have moments of panic where I feel like my stomach is going to rise up into my throat
I still cry from time to time
I still miss him
I still grieve
I still have to pinch myself and remind myself that this life is real
I still curl up with his t-shirt once in awhile
I still like to read his letters to me and feel him speaking to me

I find myself living with a new man and realizing how wonderful he is and that Barry had to have sent him our way.  Hes too great for me to have found on my own.  He and Barry even have a lot of similarities.  I dont feel like getting into them, but Ive noticed several.  I have even called James Barry a few times, and have to catch myself before I say all of his name.  The kids have called James "daddy" and "dad" a few times.  Weve been very open about this and have told them that they can if they want, but dont have to.  It comes and goes with them, really.  It is hard for me to hear them call him that sometimes though, as it is another reminder of whom we lost.

Ive also noticed that I dont feel Barry around as much anymore.  I used to be able to feel that he was around, by orbs in pictures, or just sensing something around me, or the kids even noticing it.  But I think he is here less and less because James is here.  Am I crazy? I really think that he sent James my way because he wanted me to be happy.  I could be totally off my rocker for thinking that, and whether I am right or wrong, I dont care, and Ill just think that James is here because of Barry.  But I still miss Barry, and wish he was around more.

I have thought a few times of his final moments.  What were his final thoughts? Was he scared? Did he think of me? The kids? I wish I could know, but that will be a mystery to me forever.  At least I can be confident and comforted knowing that he died loving me, and knowing he was loved so very very much by me and his children.


One last thing...i know all my images are gone.  Shabby blogs deleted the design I had, and I have yet to fix it.  Ill get on that soon...be patient with me!!

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Facing My Own Mortality

Without even knowing it, Ive been running myself ragged the last six months, and especially so the last few weeks or so as we got ready to, and moved. This resulted in my getting sick, and not being able to shake it.

I thought I was doing fine, I just had a cold with a cough,and a bit of congested chest and nose, and finally felt like I was on the mend yesterday. But then starting late afternoon, my throat started to hurt and I just started having a feeling of general malaise. Towards the end of the evening though, it started to get worse and worse,, and I was laying on the couch barely able to get up. I was very cold, yet I didnt have a fever and the house was warm. I went to bed on time, and intended to get up at 6:30Am to exercise on my new Elliptical machine. Nuh Uh! My body had other plans. When I went to bed, I was freezing, huddled under the covers and feeling like I was in a sauna. I sure felt nice and hot under there, it was wonderfully toasty warm. Throughout the night though, I kept waking up in a feverish state, dreaming crazy things and tossing the covers off over and over, and all over the place. I woke up at 5:30, and promptly changed my alarm to my regular school day wake up time. No way I was getting up at 6:30AM. It turns out I DID have a fever, almost 101!! I just popped a few motrin an hour ago, and I am starting to feel slightly normal. But I am so sweaty from my fever that my back was as wet as when I am done working out. Ewww!

Anyway, last night as I lay huddled under my covers, all toasty warm, I was actually scared to go to sleep. I actually considered trying to stay up all night because I was afraid I was so sick I wouldnt wake up. I didnt want to leave the kids with no parents.

That was the first time I actually felt like that, and was scared for my own life. I know I just have a touch of the flu, but thats how Barry got sick. And now hes dead. I dont know if Id call that a form of PTSD, but I was definitely scared. I had to calm myself down as best as I could, and let sleep overcome me. I remember feeling relieved when I woke up at 5:30 this morning, kind of thinking "Im not dead!". I guess well all have to face our own mortality sooner or later, but at least I can be rest assured that I have at least one more day to live.

That being said, Im going to go snooze on my couch. Im fading fast and I am so exhausted. I see a lot of orange juice in my near future.

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A Year Of Memories January 29th 2000

I just got back from the gym a little while ago. I realized while I was there that today was January 29th. I dont want to write today at all. But I have to keep up with my "A year of Memories" posts, right? I made a commitment to it, so I should stick with it. Sorry if my writing today is jumbled, un-flowy and all that crap, I just dont feel like remembering today.

When Barry and I were married, we had a very very small wedding. Only a few people were in attendance, and we didnt have much of a reception. If you want to count the Brauhaus, then well count that, but that memory will come later this year.

Sometime in January 2000, Denise Pledger, the wife of one of Barrys Sgts, offered to host a reception of some sorts for us at her house. They held it on our one month anniversary. I dont even really remember who came to it! I know for sure it was us, The Pledgers, Sgt Mac and a few others. I really couldnt tell you though.

We had lots of good food, I do remember that. I had this cookbook that my mom had bought me years before that, a Hershey Cookbook that I still have to this day, and it had a fantastic chocolate mousse recipe in it. Barry and I made that for the party, and prepared it in our room in the barracks.

We had the ironing board set up b/c we had no counter space, so there he was, mixing up chocolate mousse on an ironing board in the barracks. It cracks me up to this day, I can still picture it in my mind, seeing him there with the mixer in his hand.

At the party, the only gift I really remember getting was some baking dishes from Sgt Bravo, she was Barrys squad Sgt, and a Blender from Sgt Mac. I still had that blender years later, in fact, I think I only got rid of it a couple years ago because it finally died or something. I have a funny story about that blender though, that I will have to share later. And that blender also made all of our baby food for all 4 kids, it served us well for a very long time.

That is all I remember about that night, our post-wedding wedding-reception. It was a fun night though.

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6 Months Later Still Maintaining

Its been over six months since Ive finished doing the HCG Diet. In the last six months Ive moved, started a new relationship, gone through counseling to address my emotional eating, and started school again. Despite all the stress, late nights, and emotional ups and downs, Im maintaining my weight loss within a reasonable threshold of about 5 pounds. :) Wooohoo. 

There have been times when I have a rough week, a long trip, too many dates to Olive Garden, or too many last minute stops for food, resulting in a gain that puts me past my 5 pound threshold, but no matter what happens. I get back on track, whether its the next day or the next week I always get back on track..I have to do it. Partly out of pride but mostly because I never want to go back to the girl I was. 

Who was that girl? Well, it is throw back Thursday.... so let me refresh your memory. 

Wasnt a fan that this got taken...

An awkward photo shoot with my cousin hahaha oooh college fun

Senior Year Dance in High School

Roommate Photo Shoot

At my heaviest weight (at least to my knowledge) I weighed 285.6 pounds. To put that in perspective I weighed more than most NBA power forwards. In fact, I weighed what Andrew Bynum weighs and hes  seven feet tall. Me? Im 54 on a good day.

 I was completely stubborn about my weight. I shut down all conversations about it with concerned family members, I avoided going to places that it might come up. I put on a front and decided to take on the role of that funny fat friend, and even though I was laughing externally, I wasnt happy. 

Looking back on photos is definitely strange. I know its me, it just doesnt fee like it. It doesnt feel like I was ever that big, or even that unhappy. But when I really look at the pictures, and I look in my eyes in the photo Im reminded of how insecure I felt. How incomplete. For instance, in the bowling picture, I was going through a rough time living away from home. I was lonely and homesick and entertaining two friends from high school who came to visit. I was so nervous for them to show up that I spent half of my check on new clothes but was still worried that when they saw me, their first thought would be, "My God, shes gotten fat." 

Eventually, feeling insecure got old.

It took me nearly 10 years to decide to lose weight, but it only took me 293 days to lose it, and when I say "it" I mean 100 pounds. I went from 285.6 pounds and to 185.6. Now, 6 months after losing 100 pounds Im still sticking with the healthy habits Ive learned. When I stepped on the scale today I weighed in at 187.2. :) Only 1.6 pounds up from my ending weight of 185.6. As long as Im within the 5 pound threshold (or under it), Im happy.

I maintain my weight by eating mostly fruits, veggies and protein. Ive been running 3-6 times a week to help keep my metabolism going. When I do have those weeks where I gain too much, I always remind myself  that whatever happens today, tomorrow is a fresh start. 

This whole experience has been amazing. Ive loved how the HCG Diet has taught me how to eat healthier. Ive loved how Ive learned to love my body. Ive loved learning to enjoy running (I never saw that coming). 

I only have one regret when it comes to my weight loss journey: I wish I had started it sooner. 

Thanks for all of the support and the love! Heres to six more months of maintaining. 

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8 Negative Thoughts Ruining Your Weight Loss

Staying positive while youre on a diet is hard. Especially when you have, what I like to call, a Bad Body Day. You know, the days where your clothes dont seem to fit right, you feel 10 pounds heavier, and all you want to do is lay in bed and spend some quality time with your good buddies Ben & Jerry.

Remember the dressing room scene from White Chicks where Lisa has a complete meltdown? Yeah,  thats a Bad Body Day.

What happens when you have a Bad Body Day in the middle of your diet? If you let it go too far, your negative frame of mind can wreck your progress.Theres no room for negativity in your life if youre trying to lose weight and get healthy. A body transformation comes from self love, not self hate. Here are 8 common thoughts that are ruining your weight loss.

Im starving - Are you starving or are you sad? Theres a big difference. If youre truly hungry, cut up some celery. If celery doesnt sound good, youre not hungry. Youre trying to feed your emotions. Emotional eating leads to indulgence and, often times, overeating.

I cant have that. - Well you can, but you know that its not going to help your diet. Instead of saying, "cant," try saying, "I dont want that." Seriously, try it. Remember that if you really slow down and think about it, you want to be healthy more than you want a cupcake. So dont tell your friends you cant have it. Tell them you dont want it.

I am so fat. - No youre not. Plain and simple. What does that even mean? How can you be fat, youre a

person. You may have some fat, yes, but you also have skin, and bones, and a soul. Instead of, "Im so fat," try, "Im a work in progress. Today is a new day." You still acknowledge that you have room to improve but you dont use any terms that society has created to deem you less of a person.

I cheated, the day is ruined. - If you slip up, it doesnt mean the day is ruined. Just get back on track as soon as you can and  drink a ton of water! Dont dwell in guilt, just move on. You cant undo it, just do better.

I wish I looked like her - Comparison is the thief of joy. Stop comparing yourself to other people. Youre not that person, you have different body types, different genetics. You are your own person and you dont need to be anyone else. When you compare yourself to some unattainable figure, youre setting yourself up for disappointment. Instead of wanting to be someone else, try naming off one thing you like about your body and one thing you can improve. "I like that I have long legs. Im working on toning them."  Do this every time you find yourself wanting to look like someone else.

I cant do this - With a bad attitude, its hard to accomplish anything. So if you think you cant you wont. Never say cant. You can. You will. Repeat that daily, "I can do this. I will do this."

Im never going to reach my goal - Reaching a goal takes time. It wont happen over night. Set a timeline for yourself. If you know youre losing two pounds every week and youre trying to lose ten pounds, you will reach your goal in 5 weeks. 5 weeks isnt long at all. You can totally do that! Never is a strong word that can be discouraging. Be patient with your weight loss.

I should just give up - No you shouldnt. Youre doing this because you want it. So dont give up on yourself. Ever. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to put effort into being healthy. Instead of giving up, say, "I had a bad day today. Tomorrow will be better. I deserve to be happy and healthy. I deserve to have my dream body."

Bad Body Days happen. Dont let negative thinking get the best of you and your goals. Change those negative thoughts into something positive. Move on. Give yourself some credit for the beautiful person you are and the beautiful person you are trying to become. Youre may be under construction, a work in progress, but you are NEVER a failure.

Are you guilty of saying any of the Bad Body Day phrases?

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Six Months Later

Right now at 9:30AM as I am writing this, 6 months ago Barry was completely "normal". He was alive, and joking and telling me he loved me. And then he died a mere hour and a half later. I am trying not to dwell on that today, but its hard. I am going to keep busy and run some errands with the kids.

I had all these grand plans to write a post about how he died because I figured six months would be a good date to let it all out. No one asked me to, no one pressured me to do it, but I decided not to do so because I am just not ready. I just cant handle the emotions that come with talking and writing about it. It is going to wait for another day, if i am ever ready that is.

I find it so incredibly hard to believe that six months have passed already. It seems a lifetime ago, yet it was only six months. And look how far the kids and I have come in just six months! I have done so much more than I thought I ever would do, and Ive come out ahead most of the time. Time is flying by so quickly, and while I am thankful for that, I am also sad. As I told someone not that long ago, I feel like I am holding him clenched in my hands as tightly as I can, but no matter how tightly I grip my hands together, some of him is bound to seep out like little tiny grains of sand. I hold on as tight as I can to the memories, but as time goes on, I am so afraid I will forget him. Not necessarily him, but his little nuances, things he did and how he was. In the grand scheme of life, 11 years with someone is not that long considering we live for almost 100 years. That would only be 10% of my life that I spent with him, and it doesnt seem like it was nearly enough. I wanted 80%.

I finally started to write in my journal. I have no rhyme or reason to what or when I write, but whenever it strikes my fancy, I write down memories I have of him or us, things he told me, things he did as a child etc etc. Its for the kids mostly when they are older, so they can read about their daddy, and for me too, so I dont forget the little pieces of him. I only have one entry so far, but its a start, right?

I am starting to get choked up writing this, and Id like to keep it together today, so I am going to end this now. I have grocery shopping to do today, and still feel like I need to get this house into order because I took four days off this week when we went on vacation. Were almost all moved in, but there is still a lot of work to be done around the house organizing and unpacking.

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