Im Scared

Last night when James and I went to bed, I lay there with my mind wandering.  He was laying beside me, and fast asleep, while I was cozy in bed and feeling that warm fuzzy feeling that means sleep is overtaking you.  But I was also thinking about this blog, and that I need to write more often.

One of the things I thought about was that I had to eventually write about the day Barry died.

Its been almost 17 months and I still havent written it all down.  The awful, heart wrenching, tear filled memories of October 10th 2009.  

As I lay there in bed, I felt sleep slip away from me as my mind filled with the horrible thoughts of that day.  Thinking about how I would write it down in the blog, but also remembering little details like hearing the doctors say they couldnt find a heart rhythm.  And hearing the monitor go flat when they stopped.  Seeing the white patches on his chest from them shocking him.  Thats all I can handle writing right now.

Immediately I felt my eyes fill up with tears, and I thought, I cant deal with this right now.  Im not ready to write about it, Im not ready to talk about it, I just want to block it from my memory.  Maybe its different with another "death scenario", with someone who hasnt been by their spouses side as they die, but just heard the news over the phone or some other way.  Someone who hasnt seen the person they love die in their arms in really tragic circumstances.  For me though, it was the very worst day of my life, and I will forever be scarred by those events, memories.  They always will haunt me.

I didnt want to remember anymore last night, I was getting more and more upset with each passing thought, so I reached my hand over and shook James awake.  I asked him to hug me, and he lay there in bed holding me as I collected my thoughts, and calmed down as best as I could.  My heart rate slowed down, I felt more relaxed, and I thanked him for being there for me.  Then I rolled over and read my kindle for a few minutes before I couldnt keep my eyes open anymore.

The truth is, I am scared.  I am so scared to write about that day, and I know Ive been avoiding it.  There is no timeline for when I have to do it, I dont ever have to if I dont want to, but I know I should... I just need to remember.  Its the same reason I took pictures of Barry after he passed away.  I have those hidden away on the computer somewhere where I never look at them.  Call it morbid curiosity, but I HAD to do that.  I had to.  And I just have to write about that entire day, and I will some day, but Im just not ready yet.

Im scared.

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Happy Birthday Baby!!

Dearest Barry,

Today is your 31st Birthday.  How I wish you were here to celebrate with us, because you see, today is also a very special day for other reasons; Were having As 5th birthday party today.  Ive done this for two birthdays now, as last year we also had her party on your birthday.  I cant believe she will be 5 on Monday.  Did you know that after you died, I was leaving the hospital with Lisa and I saw a couple come up from Labor and Delivery with a brand new baby.  I remarked to Lisa that the last time I left that hospital with you was when A was born, and that now I was leaving without you for good.  I felt so incredibly heartbroken in that moment; seeing a husband and wife with their brand new baby girl.

I cant believe you are 31 today.  We met when we were 18!! That seems like a lifetime ago, doesnt it? This year would have been our 12th anniversary.  I cant even fathom that anymore, it seems surreal to me, like a dream.  Yesterday when I was baking As cupcakes, I thought about you because I was making chocolate cupcakes.  Chocolate was always your favorite flavor, and I had half a mind to go buy two more cake mixes and make a giant 13x9" double layer cake like you always would.  And I wanted to cover it in copious amounts of chocolate icing.  I wish I could do that for you.  Instead I made 36 Toy Story 3 Cupcakes.

I dont know what to say, what to write to you right now. Writing to you is cathartic, but I cant do it too often.  That is such a huge change from when we were engaged though, Id send you pages and pages of letters..and now I struggle to find the words.  Theyre evading me.

What I do want to tell you is thank you for giving me four awesome children.  Thank you for making me a mommy.  I want to tell you that especially because our baby will be 5 tomorrow.  You are missing so many important milestones already.  She is such a character Barry...she would have you cracking up like crazy.  She is a total goof ball, she still dresses all crazy like and in wild clothing combinations.  She tells jokes all the time, she dances, she sings, she looks like you in some of the pictures of you at age 5 making the same silly faces.  She is her fathers daughter in every way.  I cant believe she will be starting kindergarten in September.

Why cant you be here for that? Why did you have to leave us? Why did you have to leave the kids without their daddy? Me without a husband? Why did you have to fuck up our lives so bad? I know its not your fault, but Im very upset right now thinking that OUR daughter was just a baby when you died and now she wont hardly remember you.  Shes starting kindergarten in 6 months and another man will be there for her first day, and NOT you.  Its not fair, NOT at all.  I want you to be here to see them grow up, see her grow up...to see them turn 13, learn how to drive, graduate high school, university..get married, have babies. I want you to be there to see OUR grandchildren.  And you wont be.  That makes me so mad and angry and sad.

With that, Im going to end this.  Its time to get ready for the birthday party, and I have lots of stuff to do yet. I love you Barry.  Happy Happy Birthday!! Well be thinking about you all day today.  We miss you and love you so much.

Forever and always,
Me
xoxoxoxoxp

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