Comparing Today to Last Year

Today I am celebrating my last day of being 29, my last day in my 20s.  Without Barry.

Last year, on this day, we were preparing to go to Canada the very next day.  Barry was getting mad because the lawn was so long, and had to go to Lowes to get new lawn mower blades and a socket set.  I was packing for our upcoming trip, and it was super hot outside.  He was a little cranky, I remember that, because I had let the grass get too long while he was gone. haha.

And today, life is so incredibly different.  Im a single mom.  Im on my very last day of being 29.  I weigh 78lbs less than I did a year ago. Ive got vodka and tequila in the freezer in preparation for my sister and a friend and I to drink! lol  Im sitting inside while my kids are outside playing in the sun, taking a break from cleaning because Im going to have company all weekend.  Trying to figure out what I will be wearing tomorrow night when we go out for dinner and to the bar.

One year ago today I NEVER could never have fathomed this day.  I think if someone had told me how different life would be today compared to last year, I would have laughed hysterically.  Last year Barry and I were concerned with telling my family we were moving to Pennsylvania.  RIGHT NOW Im supposed to be in Pennsylvania, or moving there, not being here in Washington still wondering why Im having to celebrate my 29th birthday without my husband. Sorry, my DEAD husband.  Sometimes I still have trouble believing he is dead.  Really? hes DEAD? what do you mean? it just doesnt seem possible.  I cant accept it, and I dont think I ever will.  I may move on, I will fall in love again, and I will probably get remarried one day, but I will never accept the fact that he died.  Its just not fair, its not supposed to happen. I dont understand why he is dead.  Why is he dead?

To sum up the last 10 years, I still dont think how I could even fathom this day compared to 10 years ago.  On my 20th birthday, Barry and I were just barely married, I was pregnant with the twins, and we were at a flea market in Germany.  Life has changed so much in ten years, I cant even begin to imagine what the next 10 years are going to bring me.  In 10 years, I met the man of my dreams, I lived in so many houses, in 2 different countries and continents, I moved all over WA state. I weathered many financial ups and downs with Barry, supported him through many job changes, bought and sold our first house.  Got pregnant and gave birth to 4 wonderful children.  Loved Barry with all my heart, and watched him die in front of my eyes, screamed and yelled at the doctors that this wasnt real, that I wasnt a widow.  That I was too young to be a widow.  And I became a single mom. A widow.

I hope that the next 10 years of my life are better, happier.  Ive heard that the 30s are better than the 20s.   I dont know how much more heartbreak I can take. This is a big step for me, as was New Years eve.  Now Im not only starting a new decade without him, but a whole new age. My 20s will be my years with Barry, but what will my 30s be?  I know it will be a good decade for me. I just know it.  In the next ten years, we will face even more life changes... V, M and E will graduate high school and leave the house. I will have a job, and hopefully be a best selling author.  I hope I will be remarried and in love with the man of my dreams.  I hope the next 10 years are good.    But I know that if I want them to be good, i have to do my very best to make them so.

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Dinner reservations are made for tomorrow night, I have some special people coming to help me celebrate my birthday over dinner, and then my sister, our friend and I are going bar hopping.  Kind of funny, but just now my special birthday song came on as I was listening to iTunes.  Ill try write about that tomorrow.

Happy Birthday To Me!

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Im Scared

Last night when James and I went to bed, I lay there with my mind wandering.  He was laying beside me, and fast asleep, while I was cozy in bed and feeling that warm fuzzy feeling that means sleep is overtaking you.  But I was also thinking about this blog, and that I need to write more often.

One of the things I thought about was that I had to eventually write about the day Barry died.

Its been almost 17 months and I still havent written it all down.  The awful, heart wrenching, tear filled memories of October 10th 2009.  

As I lay there in bed, I felt sleep slip away from me as my mind filled with the horrible thoughts of that day.  Thinking about how I would write it down in the blog, but also remembering little details like hearing the doctors say they couldnt find a heart rhythm.  And hearing the monitor go flat when they stopped.  Seeing the white patches on his chest from them shocking him.  Thats all I can handle writing right now.

Immediately I felt my eyes fill up with tears, and I thought, I cant deal with this right now.  Im not ready to write about it, Im not ready to talk about it, I just want to block it from my memory.  Maybe its different with another "death scenario", with someone who hasnt been by their spouses side as they die, but just heard the news over the phone or some other way.  Someone who hasnt seen the person they love die in their arms in really tragic circumstances.  For me though, it was the very worst day of my life, and I will forever be scarred by those events, memories.  They always will haunt me.

I didnt want to remember anymore last night, I was getting more and more upset with each passing thought, so I reached my hand over and shook James awake.  I asked him to hug me, and he lay there in bed holding me as I collected my thoughts, and calmed down as best as I could.  My heart rate slowed down, I felt more relaxed, and I thanked him for being there for me.  Then I rolled over and read my kindle for a few minutes before I couldnt keep my eyes open anymore.

The truth is, I am scared.  I am so scared to write about that day, and I know Ive been avoiding it.  There is no timeline for when I have to do it, I dont ever have to if I dont want to, but I know I should... I just need to remember.  Its the same reason I took pictures of Barry after he passed away.  I have those hidden away on the computer somewhere where I never look at them.  Call it morbid curiosity, but I HAD to do that.  I had to.  And I just have to write about that entire day, and I will some day, but Im just not ready yet.

Im scared.

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Sixteen Months Later

Sixteen Months Later....

And I still have moments of panic where I feel like my stomach is going to rise up into my throat
I still cry from time to time
I still miss him
I still grieve
I still have to pinch myself and remind myself that this life is real
I still curl up with his t-shirt once in awhile
I still like to read his letters to me and feel him speaking to me

I find myself living with a new man and realizing how wonderful he is and that Barry had to have sent him our way.  Hes too great for me to have found on my own.  He and Barry even have a lot of similarities.  I dont feel like getting into them, but Ive noticed several.  I have even called James Barry a few times, and have to catch myself before I say all of his name.  The kids have called James "daddy" and "dad" a few times.  Weve been very open about this and have told them that they can if they want, but dont have to.  It comes and goes with them, really.  It is hard for me to hear them call him that sometimes though, as it is another reminder of whom we lost.

Ive also noticed that I dont feel Barry around as much anymore.  I used to be able to feel that he was around, by orbs in pictures, or just sensing something around me, or the kids even noticing it.  But I think he is here less and less because James is here.  Am I crazy? I really think that he sent James my way because he wanted me to be happy.  I could be totally off my rocker for thinking that, and whether I am right or wrong, I dont care, and Ill just think that James is here because of Barry.  But I still miss Barry, and wish he was around more.

I have thought a few times of his final moments.  What were his final thoughts? Was he scared? Did he think of me? The kids? I wish I could know, but that will be a mystery to me forever.  At least I can be confident and comforted knowing that he died loving me, and knowing he was loved so very very much by me and his children.


One last thing...i know all my images are gone.  Shabby blogs deleted the design I had, and I have yet to fix it.  Ill get on that soon...be patient with me!!

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Facing My Own Mortality

Without even knowing it, Ive been running myself ragged the last six months, and especially so the last few weeks or so as we got ready to, and moved. This resulted in my getting sick, and not being able to shake it.

I thought I was doing fine, I just had a cold with a cough,and a bit of congested chest and nose, and finally felt like I was on the mend yesterday. But then starting late afternoon, my throat started to hurt and I just started having a feeling of general malaise. Towards the end of the evening though, it started to get worse and worse,, and I was laying on the couch barely able to get up. I was very cold, yet I didnt have a fever and the house was warm. I went to bed on time, and intended to get up at 6:30Am to exercise on my new Elliptical machine. Nuh Uh! My body had other plans. When I went to bed, I was freezing, huddled under the covers and feeling like I was in a sauna. I sure felt nice and hot under there, it was wonderfully toasty warm. Throughout the night though, I kept waking up in a feverish state, dreaming crazy things and tossing the covers off over and over, and all over the place. I woke up at 5:30, and promptly changed my alarm to my regular school day wake up time. No way I was getting up at 6:30AM. It turns out I DID have a fever, almost 101!! I just popped a few motrin an hour ago, and I am starting to feel slightly normal. But I am so sweaty from my fever that my back was as wet as when I am done working out. Ewww!

Anyway, last night as I lay huddled under my covers, all toasty warm, I was actually scared to go to sleep. I actually considered trying to stay up all night because I was afraid I was so sick I wouldnt wake up. I didnt want to leave the kids with no parents.

That was the first time I actually felt like that, and was scared for my own life. I know I just have a touch of the flu, but thats how Barry got sick. And now hes dead. I dont know if Id call that a form of PTSD, but I was definitely scared. I had to calm myself down as best as I could, and let sleep overcome me. I remember feeling relieved when I woke up at 5:30 this morning, kind of thinking "Im not dead!". I guess well all have to face our own mortality sooner or later, but at least I can be rest assured that I have at least one more day to live.

That being said, Im going to go snooze on my couch. Im fading fast and I am so exhausted. I see a lot of orange juice in my near future.

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Nine Months In

Its Thursday night, almost 10PM, on July 8th, and I started to write this post early.  I have so many thoughts going through my head right now about what life was like 9 months ago.

Nine months ago today (Thursday), Barry was taken off the ventilator.  Coincidentally, it was also a Thursday.  It was also our daughter Es 7th Birthday that day.  Tomorrow, 9 months ago, will have been the day I didnt want to go visit Barry because he was so cranky from the sedation, but went anyway because my mom told me I would regret it if I didnt.  Nine months ago tomorrow, will also mark 9 months that I had got my long awaited sewing machine that I just cant bare to open yet.  I dont know why, but I just cant do it. I look at it every day, but the box sits unopened in my office area.

Ive thought about something else a lot too, and that thought is...is my life better without Barry?  That is a very hard question for me to answer, because I can argue both sides.  Is my life better without him? If I want to argue the "No" side, it would be because he is gone. No, life is not better, because he is no longer with us.  He is gone, and I am a single mom with four children to raise on my own.  No, because I miss him terribly, and I cry for him, and hes not here for me to talk to.  Hes not here to help me raise the kids, to love us, to be with us.  Hes GONE. And life simply is not better because of that.

But if I were to say Yes, life is better because he is gone, I would feel guilty for answering that way.  But honestly, I can say that some aspects of life are better because he is gone. First off, I have lost weight. I know that I wouldnt have really lost the weight if he was still here.  I may have tried and tried, but I would have given up just as many times.  But now, I really have lost weight.  Ive lost about 75lbs!  I also have a house now.  We didnt know when we would ever own again, and now we have a (possibly) forever home thanks to him.  I also have so many more friends now.  The vast majority of these friends came into my life after Barry died, and they in a sense have become part of my family.  Rebecca, Jason, Greg, Christy and so many others.  I wouldnt have met these wonderful people if Barry was still around.  They have helped somewhat to fill the void that Barry left.

There are so many different answers to these two questions, I cant just pin it down.  9 months ago I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would be where I am today.  9 months ago I was in a hospital room with my husband, expecting him to come home the following Monday. Now 9 months in, Im a widow, I have a house, Im financially secure, Im thinner, I have more friends, and I miss my husband.

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6 Months Later Still Maintaining

Its been over six months since Ive finished doing the HCG Diet. In the last six months Ive moved, started a new relationship, gone through counseling to address my emotional eating, and started school again. Despite all the stress, late nights, and emotional ups and downs, Im maintaining my weight loss within a reasonable threshold of about 5 pounds. :) Wooohoo. 

There have been times when I have a rough week, a long trip, too many dates to Olive Garden, or too many last minute stops for food, resulting in a gain that puts me past my 5 pound threshold, but no matter what happens. I get back on track, whether its the next day or the next week I always get back on track..I have to do it. Partly out of pride but mostly because I never want to go back to the girl I was. 

Who was that girl? Well, it is throw back Thursday.... so let me refresh your memory. 

Wasnt a fan that this got taken...

An awkward photo shoot with my cousin hahaha oooh college fun

Senior Year Dance in High School

Roommate Photo Shoot

At my heaviest weight (at least to my knowledge) I weighed 285.6 pounds. To put that in perspective I weighed more than most NBA power forwards. In fact, I weighed what Andrew Bynum weighs and hes  seven feet tall. Me? Im 54 on a good day.

 I was completely stubborn about my weight. I shut down all conversations about it with concerned family members, I avoided going to places that it might come up. I put on a front and decided to take on the role of that funny fat friend, and even though I was laughing externally, I wasnt happy. 

Looking back on photos is definitely strange. I know its me, it just doesnt fee like it. It doesnt feel like I was ever that big, or even that unhappy. But when I really look at the pictures, and I look in my eyes in the photo Im reminded of how insecure I felt. How incomplete. For instance, in the bowling picture, I was going through a rough time living away from home. I was lonely and homesick and entertaining two friends from high school who came to visit. I was so nervous for them to show up that I spent half of my check on new clothes but was still worried that when they saw me, their first thought would be, "My God, shes gotten fat." 

Eventually, feeling insecure got old.

It took me nearly 10 years to decide to lose weight, but it only took me 293 days to lose it, and when I say "it" I mean 100 pounds. I went from 285.6 pounds and to 185.6. Now, 6 months after losing 100 pounds Im still sticking with the healthy habits Ive learned. When I stepped on the scale today I weighed in at 187.2. :) Only 1.6 pounds up from my ending weight of 185.6. As long as Im within the 5 pound threshold (or under it), Im happy.

I maintain my weight by eating mostly fruits, veggies and protein. Ive been running 3-6 times a week to help keep my metabolism going. When I do have those weeks where I gain too much, I always remind myself  that whatever happens today, tomorrow is a fresh start. 

This whole experience has been amazing. Ive loved how the HCG Diet has taught me how to eat healthier. Ive loved how Ive learned to love my body. Ive loved learning to enjoy running (I never saw that coming). 

I only have one regret when it comes to my weight loss journey: I wish I had started it sooner. 

Thanks for all of the support and the love! Heres to six more months of maintaining. 

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Two Months Ago

In Loving Memory
Barry N. Bender, Jr.
3-6-80 to 10-10-09

I will love you forever and always sexy man.

Ive been writing this blog post off and on for the past week, gleaning bits of information from myself to write today.

Today is the magical number two. Two months. 8 Weeks and 5 days exactly. 87,840 minutes.

It has been that long since Barry died.

And you know what? Im OK. I really am. most of the time. Today though, because it has been two months, I am sad. And I am crying, but I am OK. I am OK because I know that he loves me, and he will always love me. And I am OK because I know that I gave him his forever, even though he couldnt give it to me. I gave him the most love he could ever receive, I was a good wife, I was a good mother to his kids, I was his everything. He died knowing that I loved him, and that he was loved. And now in tribute to him, I am going to continue to live because that is what he would have wanted.

I still miss him terribly, but that awful heart wrenching pain has dissipated quite a bit. And for that I am thankful. I am thankful I can go to bed without crying, without feeling desperation all day, without feeling like I HAVE to grieve. I can go about a normal day and be a normal person. I love the picture that I posted of him. I took it this past summer at Fort Langley when we were visiting my mom. He rarely smiled in pictures, but in this one I can just see a smile coming out. I can look at it and see his mouth break open into a smile, while he looks at me. Even his eyes are smiling.

My cousin Heidi wrote a note on face book that really struck a cord with me. She wrote exactly how I felt, have felt, was feeling. She wrote about how you never think things are going to get better, and how it seems all youre going to do is hurt. But that time heals.

And its true, it really is. Time heals all wounds, even though it seems like complete bullshit when you first hear it.

To quote Barry,

"But in realizing death, we must also remember to live. Time heals all wounds. Grief is normal, and it will pass"

Ive had to repeat that to myself many times over the past two months. It seemed at first that nothing would get better, that I could never be happy again, that I would never get past this. And I really did walk around in a fog, just had this cloud above my head that was dark and thunderous. Eventually it started to go away, slowly, but its gone now. Sometime last month, a couple weeks before I wrote my post about "Its Time", is when I finally started feeling normal. I still wrote grief posts after that, because I felt I had to, but not because I wanted to. I felt it was expected of me. Like I had to bow to societys standards about how I have to grieve. But you know what? Fuck Society. Really. I dont care what everyone else thinks. Im an adult, I am independent, and I will make my OWN decisions and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks of me. I can thank Barry for helping me cultivate that attitude/view on life, because without him, I wouldnt have it. I will grieve in my own way, and if someone doesnt understand then they can just keep that to themselves.

Then I think about what he said, and I realize that time does heal all wounds. I can look back at him now and smile, and remember without my heart breaking. I still get teary eyed sometimes, and I will always miss him and love him. Hell never be forgotten. Hell always live on in us.

I had my ring cut off on Monday. I didnt feel right wearing it anymore. Im not married anymore, so why wear it? My fingers were too chubby to take it off myself, so I went to a local Jeweler, and had them cut it off. BUT BUT...Im also having mine and his re-soldered together, so they are intertwined. Not sure what Ill do with them after that, but Im not worried about that yet. They are very special to me, and we have the exact same ring, a plain gold band he bought from a German jewelery store. This way, if the kids want later in life, they can get them made into wedding bands for themselves, and have something special that was mine and Barrys. Ive also gotten rid of most of his stuff. Ive kept all the important mementos like pictures, cards, his wallet, knives/guns, last outfit he ever wore, his favorite t-shirt and one shirt for each of the kids. And I kept most of his DVDs, and his computers. But everything else went to goodwill. I dont want it anymore. I just needed to get rid of it, as it is cluttering up my life. I just cant have it around anymore. Im ready to move on. I think he would be exceptionally proud of me for how strong I have been, for how Ive held up in this time of adversity. I know he is proud of me. He ALWAYS encouraged me to become more independent, to stop worrying about what everyone thought of me, to be my own person, and I finally am. He would be extremely proud of me for standing on my own two feet!

In just under a month well be ringing in a new year. Im going to make 2010 the best that I can. Im going to Live, Love, Laugh, and Be Happy.

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Ive Been MIA

Well people I have been taking a break from blogging.

I have lost my inspiration lately, to be completely honest.

The past week was extremely hard for me, very emotional. Lots of firsts.

Heres what I did for the FIRST time by myself this week without Barry.

• Cooked a Turkey (he ALWAYS did this)
• Read The Night Before Christmas to the kids (again, his tradition)
• Put up the Christmas presents by myself, well, with the help of my bro and sis, but he always helped with this
• Barely persevered through our first Christmas without him.
  
• Made our traditional Christmas morning breakfast of homemade egg ham and cheese McMuffins
  

I am so glad I NEVER have to relive that week again. Everyone says the first time is always the hardest, and it really really is. I had all these grand plans to do everything the same as we ALWAYS did it. But I didnt do anything the same. Everything was different this year. Heres what I did DIFFERENT:

• I cooked the Turkey and it turned out freakin awesome! lol
• We did stockings on the 26th instead of Christmas morning
• Skipped out on all the baking. No no bakes this year or ANYTHING. Not even Barrys traditional trans-gender gingerbread man with boy and girl bits! HAHAHA
  
• No Gingerbread house
• No stuffing or rolls for xmas dinner because I forgot to buy it

Now the next big hurdle is our anniversary. I am dreading the 29th. Abso-fucking-lutely dreading it. I want to sleep through it. Why does it have to be this day? WHY must I have an anniversary so close to Christmas? This is going to be the 3d step of many, for the next few months of firsts that we will do without Barry. First we had Thanksgiving, then Christmas...then the anniversary. Then New Years Eve. And then in February we have the twins 9th birthdays, and then in March we have his and As birthdays only one day apart.

Then we get a reprieve for almost 3 months until May 1st comes along. That was a special day for our family, we always celebrate May Day and do something fun. Last year we took the kids to the Zoo in Seattle. Not quite sure what I will do with them in May, but I will be doing something fun. And then comes along my birthday in July, and finally Es birthday in October. Technically shes already had her birthday without him, because he was in the hospital and then died the day of her party, but it will still be a hurdle to pass.

I think the next few months will be the hardest for us, but you know what? Well get through it.

This too shall pass.

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8 Negative Thoughts Ruining Your Weight Loss

Staying positive while youre on a diet is hard. Especially when you have, what I like to call, a Bad Body Day. You know, the days where your clothes dont seem to fit right, you feel 10 pounds heavier, and all you want to do is lay in bed and spend some quality time with your good buddies Ben & Jerry.

Remember the dressing room scene from White Chicks where Lisa has a complete meltdown? Yeah,  thats a Bad Body Day.

What happens when you have a Bad Body Day in the middle of your diet? If you let it go too far, your negative frame of mind can wreck your progress.Theres no room for negativity in your life if youre trying to lose weight and get healthy. A body transformation comes from self love, not self hate. Here are 8 common thoughts that are ruining your weight loss.

Im starving - Are you starving or are you sad? Theres a big difference. If youre truly hungry, cut up some celery. If celery doesnt sound good, youre not hungry. Youre trying to feed your emotions. Emotional eating leads to indulgence and, often times, overeating.

I cant have that. - Well you can, but you know that its not going to help your diet. Instead of saying, "cant," try saying, "I dont want that." Seriously, try it. Remember that if you really slow down and think about it, you want to be healthy more than you want a cupcake. So dont tell your friends you cant have it. Tell them you dont want it.

I am so fat. - No youre not. Plain and simple. What does that even mean? How can you be fat, youre a

person. You may have some fat, yes, but you also have skin, and bones, and a soul. Instead of, "Im so fat," try, "Im a work in progress. Today is a new day." You still acknowledge that you have room to improve but you dont use any terms that society has created to deem you less of a person.

I cheated, the day is ruined. - If you slip up, it doesnt mean the day is ruined. Just get back on track as soon as you can and  drink a ton of water! Dont dwell in guilt, just move on. You cant undo it, just do better.

I wish I looked like her - Comparison is the thief of joy. Stop comparing yourself to other people. Youre not that person, you have different body types, different genetics. You are your own person and you dont need to be anyone else. When you compare yourself to some unattainable figure, youre setting yourself up for disappointment. Instead of wanting to be someone else, try naming off one thing you like about your body and one thing you can improve. "I like that I have long legs. Im working on toning them."  Do this every time you find yourself wanting to look like someone else.

I cant do this - With a bad attitude, its hard to accomplish anything. So if you think you cant you wont. Never say cant. You can. You will. Repeat that daily, "I can do this. I will do this."

Im never going to reach my goal - Reaching a goal takes time. It wont happen over night. Set a timeline for yourself. If you know youre losing two pounds every week and youre trying to lose ten pounds, you will reach your goal in 5 weeks. 5 weeks isnt long at all. You can totally do that! Never is a strong word that can be discouraging. Be patient with your weight loss.

I should just give up - No you shouldnt. Youre doing this because you want it. So dont give up on yourself. Ever. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to put effort into being healthy. Instead of giving up, say, "I had a bad day today. Tomorrow will be better. I deserve to be happy and healthy. I deserve to have my dream body."

Bad Body Days happen. Dont let negative thinking get the best of you and your goals. Change those negative thoughts into something positive. Move on. Give yourself some credit for the beautiful person you are and the beautiful person you are trying to become. Youre may be under construction, a work in progress, but you are NEVER a failure.

Are you guilty of saying any of the Bad Body Day phrases?

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Six Months Later

Right now at 9:30AM as I am writing this, 6 months ago Barry was completely "normal". He was alive, and joking and telling me he loved me. And then he died a mere hour and a half later. I am trying not to dwell on that today, but its hard. I am going to keep busy and run some errands with the kids.

I had all these grand plans to write a post about how he died because I figured six months would be a good date to let it all out. No one asked me to, no one pressured me to do it, but I decided not to do so because I am just not ready. I just cant handle the emotions that come with talking and writing about it. It is going to wait for another day, if i am ever ready that is.

I find it so incredibly hard to believe that six months have passed already. It seems a lifetime ago, yet it was only six months. And look how far the kids and I have come in just six months! I have done so much more than I thought I ever would do, and Ive come out ahead most of the time. Time is flying by so quickly, and while I am thankful for that, I am also sad. As I told someone not that long ago, I feel like I am holding him clenched in my hands as tightly as I can, but no matter how tightly I grip my hands together, some of him is bound to seep out like little tiny grains of sand. I hold on as tight as I can to the memories, but as time goes on, I am so afraid I will forget him. Not necessarily him, but his little nuances, things he did and how he was. In the grand scheme of life, 11 years with someone is not that long considering we live for almost 100 years. That would only be 10% of my life that I spent with him, and it doesnt seem like it was nearly enough. I wanted 80%.

I finally started to write in my journal. I have no rhyme or reason to what or when I write, but whenever it strikes my fancy, I write down memories I have of him or us, things he told me, things he did as a child etc etc. Its for the kids mostly when they are older, so they can read about their daddy, and for me too, so I dont forget the little pieces of him. I only have one entry so far, but its a start, right?

I am starting to get choked up writing this, and Id like to keep it together today, so I am going to end this now. I have grocery shopping to do today, and still feel like I need to get this house into order because I took four days off this week when we went on vacation. Were almost all moved in, but there is still a lot of work to be done around the house organizing and unpacking.

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