Last Wednesday Im Sorry!!!

I didnt realize it has been since Wednesday that I last blogged! Oops!  Sorry for my absence, we had a super busy week.

Thursday started off with my Mom and Oma coming for a few days from Canada, for Mothers Day and my housewarming party.  And since theyre internet and computer Nazis, I wasnt able to get on here that much.  Friday we got up early to bring the kids to school, as I had TWO Mothers day events that day.  One was in the morning, and one was at noon.  In between, I managed to drive them around the city to see the sights a bit, and we also did a quick trip to Trader Joes.  Then it was off to the school again, and after that, we spent the afternoon at Costco.   Saturday we were up at 7:30 and go-go-go ALL day.  We didnt really settle down until almost 10 PM.  We did food prep all morning, and then the party was all afternoon.  However, some friends came late and didnt leave till 9:30PM.  Thats perfectly ok though, we had a lot of fun with them, and drank and played scrabble.

As yesterday was Mothers Day, the kids and I did stuff together.  We went out for lunch, and then did a bit of shopping.  We had a really long day too, as my mothers day gift to myself was this:

Her name is Athena, Butterball for short! haha.  She is 7 weeks old and just a joy!  I also got her to keep Braddock company, who is our 7 year old black lab.  We all love her to bits, even Braddock!  except the cats, theyre keeping away from her. I bought all the pets some extra treats, and were giving Braddock extra love so he doesnt feel left out.  I kept with the Greek theme for names (except for Braddock, we did this after he came along), because Barry always insisted we do "distinguished" names for our pets, nothing stupid like Shadow, Rover, that kind of thing.  He was always adamant about that.  So I kept up with it in his memory.  Athena is also AKC registered, and has champion bloodlines.  I may or may not breed her, I have to think about it for awhile.

In other news, with the excitement of Athena, I forgot what day it was today.  Its the 10th.  I even surpassed 11:11AM.  7 months ago I became a widow, and I forgot! I am shocked, guilty and relieved all at the same time.  It is the first time I have forgotten.  I dont even know what else to say, except Im shocked I forgot.  This can only be a good thing though, as we go through the healing process.  But I actually forgot! wow.

I had a rough morning yesterday without him, as we had another holiday without Barry.  I cried as soon as I woke up, realizing that Ill never hear him say "Happy Mothers Day" to me anymore, Ill never get those deliveries from Pro Flowers or 1800Flowers anymore.  I cried and cried at breakfast with the kids, and my mom and oma.  I was better the rest of the day though, thankfully.  Yes, I do have my kids which are such a gift from him...but as much as i love them, they dont replace him, it doesnt make me feel that much better.  Flame me if you like for saying that, but I cant be happy just because I have the kids from him.  Because they dont replace him.  le sigh.

Well, time for me to be puppy mommy and put Athena outside again.  I hope everyone had a wonderful Mothers Day!

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Comparing Today to Last Year

Today I am celebrating my last day of being 29, my last day in my 20s.  Without Barry.

Last year, on this day, we were preparing to go to Canada the very next day.  Barry was getting mad because the lawn was so long, and had to go to Lowes to get new lawn mower blades and a socket set.  I was packing for our upcoming trip, and it was super hot outside.  He was a little cranky, I remember that, because I had let the grass get too long while he was gone. haha.

And today, life is so incredibly different.  Im a single mom.  Im on my very last day of being 29.  I weigh 78lbs less than I did a year ago. Ive got vodka and tequila in the freezer in preparation for my sister and a friend and I to drink! lol  Im sitting inside while my kids are outside playing in the sun, taking a break from cleaning because Im going to have company all weekend.  Trying to figure out what I will be wearing tomorrow night when we go out for dinner and to the bar.

One year ago today I NEVER could never have fathomed this day.  I think if someone had told me how different life would be today compared to last year, I would have laughed hysterically.  Last year Barry and I were concerned with telling my family we were moving to Pennsylvania.  RIGHT NOW Im supposed to be in Pennsylvania, or moving there, not being here in Washington still wondering why Im having to celebrate my 29th birthday without my husband. Sorry, my DEAD husband.  Sometimes I still have trouble believing he is dead.  Really? hes DEAD? what do you mean? it just doesnt seem possible.  I cant accept it, and I dont think I ever will.  I may move on, I will fall in love again, and I will probably get remarried one day, but I will never accept the fact that he died.  Its just not fair, its not supposed to happen. I dont understand why he is dead.  Why is he dead?

To sum up the last 10 years, I still dont think how I could even fathom this day compared to 10 years ago.  On my 20th birthday, Barry and I were just barely married, I was pregnant with the twins, and we were at a flea market in Germany.  Life has changed so much in ten years, I cant even begin to imagine what the next 10 years are going to bring me.  In 10 years, I met the man of my dreams, I lived in so many houses, in 2 different countries and continents, I moved all over WA state. I weathered many financial ups and downs with Barry, supported him through many job changes, bought and sold our first house.  Got pregnant and gave birth to 4 wonderful children.  Loved Barry with all my heart, and watched him die in front of my eyes, screamed and yelled at the doctors that this wasnt real, that I wasnt a widow.  That I was too young to be a widow.  And I became a single mom. A widow.

I hope that the next 10 years of my life are better, happier.  Ive heard that the 30s are better than the 20s.   I dont know how much more heartbreak I can take. This is a big step for me, as was New Years eve.  Now Im not only starting a new decade without him, but a whole new age. My 20s will be my years with Barry, but what will my 30s be?  I know it will be a good decade for me. I just know it.  In the next ten years, we will face even more life changes... V, M and E will graduate high school and leave the house. I will have a job, and hopefully be a best selling author.  I hope I will be remarried and in love with the man of my dreams.  I hope the next 10 years are good.    But I know that if I want them to be good, i have to do my very best to make them so.

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Dinner reservations are made for tomorrow night, I have some special people coming to help me celebrate my birthday over dinner, and then my sister, our friend and I are going bar hopping.  Kind of funny, but just now my special birthday song came on as I was listening to iTunes.  Ill try write about that tomorrow.

Happy Birthday To Me!

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Guess I Should Post Today

Today was 10 months ago that Barry died.

I dont remember what I was doing 10 months ago exactly.  It was all a blur to me, and remembering what I did to pass that first evening that Barry was dead is to much work.  Im sure my mind has just blocked it out, because I remember certain things like having a glass of wine with my mom and sister the next night, and crying myself to sleep each night, and also waking up at 5AM on October 11th, crying my eyes out in my sleep.

Today I experienced something sad that I wished I could have shared with Barry.  Two and a half years ago, we put our first, and only home we owned together, on the market, because we could no longer afford it.  We landed up selling it a few months later, and moved to the house I just moved out of in April.  We loved that house so much, it broke my heart to have to sell it, but we had no choice but to sell.

On our way to dentist appointments in the same town today, I though we would stop by the old house and take a peek.  I had a friend of mine that had never seen it, so I thought wed show the house and where we used to live.  I havent driven by there in quite some time, so imagine my surprise when we noticed the house was abandoned.  Abandoned.  The yard was filled with three foot high brown grass, debris everywhere.  The backyard was even worse, it being an acre at least, and so much junk filled it.  We looked in the windows, and were greeted to sights of garbage in the house, old nasty furniture, and just general mess.  This house that we loved so much, was foreclosed on by the people that bought it from us.  Apparently, they left their dog there too, and my old neighbors landed up taking her in as their own.

The things that we loved so much about that house were just ruined. My old neighbor Shirley told me they took a gorgeous house (which was when we had it) and turned it into a crappy fixer upper. It broke my heart seeing it like that, because it was a beautiful home when we owned it.  Im sad for that house, and I have half a mind to go buy it, but I wont be.  Its not worth it because weve closed that chapter in our lives, and the memories we have in that house would be too painful to relive.  Christmases, birthdays, taking A home from the hospital to that house, the wood stove that Barry loved so much, our 400sq foot master bedroom, my custom oak cabinets in the kitchen.  I wish I could have told Barry about all this, and I knew he would figuratively "roll over in his grave", if he knew.

I dont have much else to write.  I filled up the day without even realizing it, and didnt even realize it was the 10th until 11:30 this morning.  I cant believe I forgot.


P.S...I did get a new car on July 23d.  I landed up purchasing a Silver 2011 Honda Pilot.  Im absolutely in LOVE with it.  Its fantastic and gorgeous and gets pretty good gas mileage.  I drove it off the lot with 9 miles on it!! I just LOVE it ;)

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6 Reasons Why Your Last Diet Didnt Work

If youre at the end of your rope with trying diets and eating programs that arent working, it might be time to face the music. You might be falling into diet sabotage without even realizing it. Diet sabotage can happen to anyone, and usually we dont realize how harmful simple ideas or words can be to our day to day actions until its too late. Here are 6 reasons why your last diet didnt work, and of course, some tips to help avoid these in the future.

You Went In Expecting to Fail

If you go into a diet program feeling skeptical of it, or feeling insecure in your ability to do it, youre setting yourself up to fail. With each new opportunity you approach, you need to feel 100% confident in the process and in your ability to stick to it.

• The wrong mindset: "Ive failed at everything else Ive tried, Im sure this will be no different. But Ill give it a try."
• The right mindset: "This time its going to work because Im going to make it work."

Your Goal Wasnt Realistic

While confidence is crucial to success, over-confidence is not. Going into a diet with the idea that its going to fix all your problems and help you lose half your body weight with a few weeks of better eating is just plain unrealistic. Its also worth mentioning that if your goal involves dropping below a healthy weight, its not realistic. Be sure to check out your BMI while you set your goal, then create a realistic timeline to help you reach your healthy weight. There will be good days and bad days, its all a process and its important to acknowledge the process when defining your goals.

• The wrong mindset: "Im going to lose 30 pounds this month and finally get down to 110." 

• The right mindset: "My goal is to lose 2 pounds per week and get out of the overweight category on the BMI chart by end of the year."

You Didnt Ask For Help

At times you might feel like youre all alone in your weight loss battle, and when youre struggling, that can be hard to deal with. The truth is, youre not alone. Even if none of your friends and your family support you, there are forums and Facebook Groups out there dedicated to supporting people who are trying to lose weight. You can always find encouragement and get answers to your questions when youre struggling. All you have to do is reach out and ask for help.

• The wrong mindset: "No one understands what Im going through."
• The right mindset: "I am going to look for people who can help support me."

You Failed to Plan

If you know you have a huge party coming up or if youre planning around a vacation, you might not want to start a diet until those events are completed. Starting a diet and having to take a break mid-way through and start up again can be really difficult. Its not impossible to navigate events, but it does require planning, including taking lunches or setting a timeline for getting back on track after the event is over.

• The wrong mindset: "Oh, I forgot I have a wedding coming up. I guess Ill just quit my diet now since Ill be eating cake."
• The right mindset: "I know I have a wedding coming up, I need to make sure I eat before I go and avoid the cake table so I can stick to my diet."

You Werent Committed

Commitment issues arent just for relationships. Committing to a diet can be just as tough as finding a lover you can settle down with. Commitment means staying focused on what you want long-term and giving up what you want in the moment. Being committed to your diet means avoiding the doughnut shop on Friday mornings and hitting the gym instead. Just like you wouldnt cheat on your partner, you shouldnt cheat on your diet. If you cant commit to that idea, then you shouldnt start a diet until you can.

• The wrong mindset: "One little cheat wont hurt."
• The right mindset: "I know I want this treat now, but I want to fit into my size 7 jeans even more."

You Werent in it for the Long Game

Its so important to remember that dieting is not a permanent fix. If you go back to how you were eating before you started the diet, youll most likely gain the weight back. Remember that once you finish your diet program, youll still need to make healthy, balanced choices. While it may only take a month or two to reach your goal weight, its going to a much longer commitment to smart choices in order to maintain your weight loss.

• The wrong mindset: "Once I finish this diet, Im going to eat a large pizza all by myself."
• The right mindset: "Once I finish this diet, Im going to make sure I plan healthy meals so I dont go back to eating fast food every night."

Have you done any of these? Remember that you can lose weight. Dont sabotage your own success and always make sure youre mentally prepared before you start. Being involved 100% in your desire to get healthy is critical for success. When you prepare mentally, youll see success physically!

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THE LAST 100 VISITS TO THIS BLOG FROM AROUND THE WORLD

Im global, baby!  Its fun to look at the Site Meter for my blog and see where people are reading me from.  This map shows the locations of the last 100 visitors:

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How to Stick to Your Diet During the Weekend

Am I the only one who has to fight the urge to stuff my face during the weekend? Theres something about Fridays sweet, sweet arrival that makes me want to eat all the food in the world, and its really frustrating the way eating poorly for a couple days on the weekend can completely undo all of my work to lose weight from the week before.

This has been such a struggle for me lately and its one Ive been trying to deal with and figure out. Heres the thing: I work so hard during the week to let two little days ruin everything. Ive tried a few things that Im please to report have worked and since the weekend is fast approaching, I figured Id better pass those along to you!

Tips for Weekend Dieting 

Start your day with a morning workout - First thing Saturday morning, 

wake up and workout. This sets a precedent for your weekend. Do your workout first thing in the morning before you day starts getting really busy. One of the things that has worked for me is going for a run Saturday morning at 8:00 a.m.. It helps me wake up and taking the first few steps is like making a commitment to myself that Im seriously about being strong this weekend.

Follow your workout with a healthy breakfast - Skip the indulgent breakfast of waffles and bacon and spend time making something healthy instead. Eat a piece of fruit, shake up a protein shake, or scramble eggs. The healthy options are endless, but the point is to make sure that your first meal of the day during the weekend is healthy. It will set the tone for the rest of the day.

Take water with you everywhere - Theres just something about carrying around a bottle of water that makes you want be healthier. Not only are you less likely to cave to sugary/carbonated beverages when youre sipping on H20, but youre also staying hydrated which is important for controlling your appetite.

Set limits for yourself - Dont go into the weekend with a free for all mindset. As much as wed like to think weekends dont count, they do. All of the calories you are eating add up, so set limits for yourself. Maybe you do increase your calories a little bit on the weekend. For instance maybe instead of eating 1500 you allow yourself to eat 1700 calories. You still feel like youre getting a little splurge, but youre still tracking what youre eating and staying conscious of where you are for your daily caloric total. You can also make your weekend reward not associated with food. Set the limit to stick to your diet, but reward yourself with a new pair of paints or a purse. Its completely possible to enjoy your weekend without going off the deep end.

Take ownership - Its easy to say, "Well, Im so busy on the weekends, its just impossible to eat healthy." Thats a cop out and you know it. Weekends are busy, of course they are.  We all know this. And since we all know this, we can plan around this. Own your diet. Own your health. Decide that you are going to eat healthy no matter where you are or who you are with, because deep down you know that your health is mor important than any celebration with food. You also know that youll feel 100 times better come Monday morning when you weigh in and see a number that is lower than what it was on Friday. You know all of these things. So own it. 

So those are the things that Ive tried. I hope that helps you a little bit. What are some things that youve tried to stay focused on the weekend? Post them in the comments section below!

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Nine Months In

Its Thursday night, almost 10PM, on July 8th, and I started to write this post early.  I have so many thoughts going through my head right now about what life was like 9 months ago.

Nine months ago today (Thursday), Barry was taken off the ventilator.  Coincidentally, it was also a Thursday.  It was also our daughter Es 7th Birthday that day.  Tomorrow, 9 months ago, will have been the day I didnt want to go visit Barry because he was so cranky from the sedation, but went anyway because my mom told me I would regret it if I didnt.  Nine months ago tomorrow, will also mark 9 months that I had got my long awaited sewing machine that I just cant bare to open yet.  I dont know why, but I just cant do it. I look at it every day, but the box sits unopened in my office area.

Ive thought about something else a lot too, and that thought is...is my life better without Barry?  That is a very hard question for me to answer, because I can argue both sides.  Is my life better without him? If I want to argue the "No" side, it would be because he is gone. No, life is not better, because he is no longer with us.  He is gone, and I am a single mom with four children to raise on my own.  No, because I miss him terribly, and I cry for him, and hes not here for me to talk to.  Hes not here to help me raise the kids, to love us, to be with us.  Hes GONE. And life simply is not better because of that.

But if I were to say Yes, life is better because he is gone, I would feel guilty for answering that way.  But honestly, I can say that some aspects of life are better because he is gone. First off, I have lost weight. I know that I wouldnt have really lost the weight if he was still here.  I may have tried and tried, but I would have given up just as many times.  But now, I really have lost weight.  Ive lost about 75lbs!  I also have a house now.  We didnt know when we would ever own again, and now we have a (possibly) forever home thanks to him.  I also have so many more friends now.  The vast majority of these friends came into my life after Barry died, and they in a sense have become part of my family.  Rebecca, Jason, Greg, Christy and so many others.  I wouldnt have met these wonderful people if Barry was still around.  They have helped somewhat to fill the void that Barry left.

There are so many different answers to these two questions, I cant just pin it down.  9 months ago I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would be where I am today.  9 months ago I was in a hospital room with my husband, expecting him to come home the following Monday. Now 9 months in, Im a widow, I have a house, Im financially secure, Im thinner, I have more friends, and I miss my husband.

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