A Life Lost

I was trying to think of what to write today, as I havent been writing too much lately, and today at my Grief Works group, I got the inspiration.

Weve begun the task in our group of taking turns sharing. Each week, 4 of our group share about the person they lost. Today one of the ladies shared about her husband who passed away about a month before Barry. They had been married for 51 years. 51 years.

As she was sharing her story, I couldnt help but start crying. In fact, most of us cried while everyone else was sharing. Next week is my turn, so I need to prepare some stuff and get pictures/mementos ready as well.

Why did I start crying? Because the life that I was supposed to have is lost. A Life, Lost.

I grieve not only for Barry, but for the life that I was supposed to have. I was so lucky to have 11 years of him in my life, to love him for that long, but how I long for forever.

I dont deserve this life that I have now. How is it fair that the life I was supposed to have has been ripped from my clutches and tossed aside? The dreams that we had as a couple, for our family and our future and ourselves, have been LOST. They will never come to fruition. I will never get that 51 year anniversary with the love of my life.

Barry and I had our challenges in our marriage, as every couple does. We had the ups and downs emotionally, financially etc etc, but through it all, we still loved each other. We always stuck by each other, no matter what the difficulty we were faced with. We had the perfect marriage. We complimented each other so well, we were best friends, and we loved each other with our whole being.

Im angry that Ive lost my life. Everything that I planned on, is gone, is lost. What am I supposed to do now? I feel lost myself! I dont know what to do with my self. The only plans I have right now are to buy a home, and to go back to work or school once A is in school full time in 3 years. But what about after that?

How do I pick up the pieces and move forward?

There was no thought in my mind that Barry wouldnt get better. His death was not a possibility in my mind. I figured that we would get through this as best as we could, we would pick up the pieces and manage, and life would move on despite this little hiccup. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that when I brought him to the hospital on the night of October 5th that he would NEVER come home. Well wait, he DID come home. He came home in a wooden box, cradled in my arms, on October 15th. And now he sits on my dresser in my bedroom, watching over me as I sleep every night.

I wonder if I had the chance to prepare for this new life, if it would have made things easier? if Barry had cancer or some other terminal disease, would I have been able to contemplate this new life I would have? I dont know what I would prefer: Him being sick for a very long time and knowing the inevitable, or what I was given with him dying unexpectedly. I dont know, I just dont know. Its almost like the analogy about love. Is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all?

There will never be the travelling that we dreamed of together. Well never get to enjoy our grandchildren together. He will miss the major milestones like A starting kindergarten, learning how to ride a bike, read, tie her shoes. Hell miss the 13th birthdays. The 18th Birthdays. Hell miss the kids going off to college, graduating, getting married, them having babies, and us becoming grandparents. Hell miss it all. This life, it is LOST.

I dont know how to pick up the pieces. I dont know how to move forward with this new life when all I have known is OUR life. Now I have MY life.

I am grieving a life, lost.

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In Honor Of My Husband

I just wanted to post this link really quick, and then I will be back to write later about this song and its meaning to Barry and his life..



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The lyrics to this song are

O Fortune
like the moon you are changeable
ever waxing and waning
hateful life
First oppresses and then soothes as fancy takes it;
poverty, power
it melts them like ice.
Fate- monstrous and empty
you whirling wheel, you are malevolent.
Well being is in vain and always fades to nothing
shadowed and veiled you plague me too;
now through the game I bring my bare back to your villainy.
Fate is against me in health and virtue,
driven on and weighed down always enslaved.
So at this hour without delay pluck the vibrating strings;
Since Fate strikes down the strong man; everyone weep with me!

Thank you to the anonymous reader that gave me the link to this on YouTube! I have looked at it before, but just the other day found it again and really listened/read the lyrics. It is so ironic that these words speak of him so well, how fate really did strike down the strong man. It just screams Barry! And how fitting since this was one of his favorite songs.

Throughout the years of our marriage we got the chance to talk about death a lot. He mentioned often how he always wanted this song played when they "carried him out", and in this case, he was carried out in his urn. We played the music so loud in Hope Chapel when he was taken out, he was taken out in a blaze of glory. I did it for him, I did what he wanted, and it made me so happy to do that.

I think it is so interesting how music can literally etch certain memories into your mind. Even the first few notes of a song just bring you back in time to that EXACT moment. I have one song that Barry loved, and I found to play at his service that was just perfect. It was an Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt song about love, obviously, and I had it played as I walked up to the podium to speak about him at his service. When I hear the music start I can think only of myself, walking up the aisle to the podium, my "speech" clenched in my hand, and just crying and smiling at the same time. Knowing I was about to say goodbye to my husband, and tell everyone what a wonderful man he was.

Another thing that is etched into my mind is the time 11:11AM. My eyes always seem to glance at the clock at that time. Not every day, but quite often lately it has been happening. 11:11 is the time that he died. The time the Dr stopped the CPR and called the time of death. The time my life was forever and completely changed.

Barry, today is a sad day and I have been crying off and on most of the morning. I miss you so much sexy man! I wish I could be happy. Sometimes I feel like I am getting happy again, and then I just feel destitute the next moment. Im so lonely! I really really miss you honey. And I love you so much.

Ill always love you less than three.

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Intuitive VS Instrumental Grieving

This topic was brought up last night at our first summer grief support meeting.

The kids and I started going to a new one that was run by the organization that put on their summer camp.  I thought it would be a great way to continue with some of their camp relationships, and also help us again deal with the loss of Barry.  We are attending two groups this summer; one here in town, and this other one.  I havent yet decided if we will go to this new one come fall, as it is a half hour drive (on a good day w/ no traffic), and it doesnt get out till 8PM at night.  Im not too sure I can handle that on school nights.  Well have to see how well it goes. So far I like the group a LOT, as this one actually serves me too, and not just the kids.

So...  Intuitive VS Instrumental grief

Im right down the middle.

Intuitive is  dealing with your grief by getting quiet time, thinking, talking with others, writing (ME) and such things like that.  I find it very therapeutic to write sometimes, like I am doing right now.  It helps me process my feelings about Barrys death by getting them out and in the open.  As my friend Jason said, I have this knack to make people feel my emotions.  Im very good at articulating and expressing myself with these words I am typing.  Talking also really helps me, which is where my girlfriend Christy comes in.  She is also a fellow widow, and we discuss it quite often.  It  helps to have that sounding board, well, one that knows exactly what I am going through even though we grieve differently.

Exploring the Instrumental grieving process was really eye opening for me, as I realized I am really like this a lot too. This is when you do activities that keep you busy, help get rid of adrenaline/aggression, distract you.  For me, this is a prime example of me wanting to go to the range to shoot Barrys guns (which Ill be doing soon with Jason I think), and keeping extremely busy to keep my mind off things.  Ive also had this incredible urge to start running! I really think this will help me too, as I am literally craving the feeling of my feet pounding the pavement.  I am starting in the fall when the kids go back to school, and I really cant wait to do it.  I think to some people that instrumental grieving might seem like a bit of a cop out, but it really isnt.  It helps to keep busy so you are distracted, and not dwelling on things.  In some ways, I think I sway  more to this side than the other, which is funny considering I never thought Id be this type of person before Barry died.  I am always busy it seems.  I dont like to keep still.  We are always going somewhere, or doing something.  For example, yesterday we started the week with our grief support last night, today the dog had a  Vet appt, and we had dentist appointments all afternoon.  Tomorrow the kids and I are headed to a neighboring city to do a bit of shopping, and look at bikes and possibly go to the beach.  Thursday we have another grief support meeting.  Friday is my dirty thirty party, Saturday I am going out with my good friend Greg, Sunday we will find something to do, and next Monday again I will be at Midas and headed to the grief group again.  We have something every day, and I crave that.  I need that.

What is important to remember though, is that everyone grieves differently.  Even in families, every person is an individual and grieves differently.  My son M is intuitive with his grief, he is very quiet with his grief, likes to write letters to his dad and so forth.  I havent quite figured out the other kids, but were a pretty good mix of both I think.

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Comparing Today to Last Year

Today I am celebrating my last day of being 29, my last day in my 20s.  Without Barry.

Last year, on this day, we were preparing to go to Canada the very next day.  Barry was getting mad because the lawn was so long, and had to go to Lowes to get new lawn mower blades and a socket set.  I was packing for our upcoming trip, and it was super hot outside.  He was a little cranky, I remember that, because I had let the grass get too long while he was gone. haha.

And today, life is so incredibly different.  Im a single mom.  Im on my very last day of being 29.  I weigh 78lbs less than I did a year ago. Ive got vodka and tequila in the freezer in preparation for my sister and a friend and I to drink! lol  Im sitting inside while my kids are outside playing in the sun, taking a break from cleaning because Im going to have company all weekend.  Trying to figure out what I will be wearing tomorrow night when we go out for dinner and to the bar.

One year ago today I NEVER could never have fathomed this day.  I think if someone had told me how different life would be today compared to last year, I would have laughed hysterically.  Last year Barry and I were concerned with telling my family we were moving to Pennsylvania.  RIGHT NOW Im supposed to be in Pennsylvania, or moving there, not being here in Washington still wondering why Im having to celebrate my 29th birthday without my husband. Sorry, my DEAD husband.  Sometimes I still have trouble believing he is dead.  Really? hes DEAD? what do you mean? it just doesnt seem possible.  I cant accept it, and I dont think I ever will.  I may move on, I will fall in love again, and I will probably get remarried one day, but I will never accept the fact that he died.  Its just not fair, its not supposed to happen. I dont understand why he is dead.  Why is he dead?

To sum up the last 10 years, I still dont think how I could even fathom this day compared to 10 years ago.  On my 20th birthday, Barry and I were just barely married, I was pregnant with the twins, and we were at a flea market in Germany.  Life has changed so much in ten years, I cant even begin to imagine what the next 10 years are going to bring me.  In 10 years, I met the man of my dreams, I lived in so many houses, in 2 different countries and continents, I moved all over WA state. I weathered many financial ups and downs with Barry, supported him through many job changes, bought and sold our first house.  Got pregnant and gave birth to 4 wonderful children.  Loved Barry with all my heart, and watched him die in front of my eyes, screamed and yelled at the doctors that this wasnt real, that I wasnt a widow.  That I was too young to be a widow.  And I became a single mom. A widow.

I hope that the next 10 years of my life are better, happier.  Ive heard that the 30s are better than the 20s.   I dont know how much more heartbreak I can take. This is a big step for me, as was New Years eve.  Now Im not only starting a new decade without him, but a whole new age. My 20s will be my years with Barry, but what will my 30s be?  I know it will be a good decade for me. I just know it.  In the next ten years, we will face even more life changes... V, M and E will graduate high school and leave the house. I will have a job, and hopefully be a best selling author.  I hope I will be remarried and in love with the man of my dreams.  I hope the next 10 years are good.    But I know that if I want them to be good, i have to do my very best to make them so.

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Dinner reservations are made for tomorrow night, I have some special people coming to help me celebrate my birthday over dinner, and then my sister, our friend and I are going bar hopping.  Kind of funny, but just now my special birthday song came on as I was listening to iTunes.  Ill try write about that tomorrow.

Happy Birthday To Me!

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Out With The Old In With The New

I am forcing myself to write this post because I havent written much at all lately. I dont feel like writing right now, I have no inspiration and my muse is gone. Who knows where she went!

I feel strange starting a new year. Apathetic almost. Scared even. Scared to start over.

Every year since 1999 Barry has been there. And while he wasnt always there on New Years Eve with me, sometimes working, most of the last 10 years we have been together on this day. And even if he wasnt there in person, he was still "there", still in my life.

Starting a new year without my husband is hard. I feel like I am leaving him behind. Like I explained a friend of mine, Barry wont be there in 2010 and any year after that. 2009 was his last year, and I just dont know how I feel leaving him behind. There will never be another year where I can say "oh, remember in such and such year, we did this?"

All I have now are the memories, memories of the last 11 years that I have known him. The first IM I get from him saying "whats ska music", the time he proposed to me on the internet, the time we met in person and he proposed for real, when we got married, the time we spent in Germany, the birth of all of our children, buying our first home, selling our first home, moving to a new city more than a few times, going on vacation as a family this year, celebrating our 10th anniversary early. All I have are memories of our time together.

Now we start 2010 and start NEW. New memories, new experiences, new things, new places.

Despite all the fear that I have about starting a new year, I think 2010 will be a good year for us. I have plans for the kids and I that include, in no particular order:

• Losing a lot more weight for myself. Getting a gym membership tomorrow or monday.
• Buying a house and getting out of our rental
• A trip to Disneyland sometime in 2010
• Start my book at the very least, not quite sure where my focus is going to be on it, but I do want to start writing.

What are your plans for 2010? Are you planning on anything exciting?

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BACK ON THE RIGHT TRACK AND IN A PRETTY DRESS

If you scroll up and look right, you will see a before and after comparison of me at my heaviest in February 2009 on vacation and me in June 2010 at a family wedding.  Underneath, you will see my body fat percentage when the photos were taken.  Lately, my body fat has been above 34.4%, but today - TA DA! - I hit that number again!  I was so happy that I put on that same dress and had my husband take a pic to celebrate.

So this is me, with a different do, no makeup and wearing my cheaters, and no, I am not referring to a push up bra!

Im just happy today and feeling skinny...

(To hear the song, fast forward the video to 0:45.)

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More Questions

I realized yesterday after I had written this post that I forgot many of the other questions I have been thinking of.

Perhaps I will never have them answered, but death is a hard thing to find answers for anyway. There is no rhyme or reason to it, its just death. It happens. Just like that saying "Shit Happens", so does death. Its hard for us to even fathom how life just goes on after that one person dies, but it does, it happens, everyone moves on.

To quote my husband:

"I think people fear death because its an inconceivable state of existence. Dying is something we all must do, but nobody can sit around and really explain what its like. Before the day of your birth, you cant possibly know, from a first-hand account, what life on this planet was like. Sure, you can read about it and even watch movies and listen to music made before your birth, but you have no real recollection of what it was like to exist back then. Death will probably end up the same way. The problem is that we cant seem to reconcile with that idea. We just cant wrap our heads around the fact that, after we die, things will continue on without us."

One of the hardest questions I have been thinking about is did he know he was dying? There is one moment I can recall in the hospital room that will forever haunt me, but I just cant share that right now. Im not ready to relive it. Perhaps in time, but I dont think I have told anyone that. Ive kept it tucked away in a little corner in my mind, not even thinking about it myself except in times like this.

I wonder, what was he thinking? Did he know what was happening? What were his last thoughts? Was he scared? I like to think his last thoughts were of me and the kids, but Ill never know unless I see him on the other side. I wish I could comfort him and give him a big hug and tell him its ok to be scared, if he was. Tell him that I will always love him even when he is gone. That Ill always think about him. But then, I did that in the hospital. I did talk to him after he passed, and I did tell him all that and more.

And then I also think to myself, is he aware that he is dead? Is his consciousness still aware or is he just gone? I think maybe he is aware, but thats going into the ghost and orb stuff that I have mentioned before and dont care to get into it right now.

Another question I have is Why did he leave me? I dont want to be angry at him, but I get so frustrated and overwhelmed with what I have been left with. I have seriously never dealt with so much paperwork in my life. Piles of it, and more coming. And then there is the stuff around the house that I havent a clue on how to do...my brother in law had to teach me how to thread the weed eater! I dont know how to fix anything (thank you to Amazon for the books I have on the way for that) either. But perhaps the biggest stress for me is the responsibility. Now I myself am the sole provider and caregiver for our four children and 3 pets. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and it is very heavy. I have to provide financially for the kids and myself. Ill have to buy a house by myself, maintain that house. I have to maintain our vehicle too. I havent the foggiest on how to hook up our entertainment center, so when I do move one day, whos going to do that for me? (I told my sister last night that I would just toss everything, and start from scratch and have the Best Buy guys come do it for me! haha).

Im the one whos going to have to teach the boy all the stuff his daddy wanted to teach him. Im going to have to screen potential boyfriends, lol, for the girls. Im going to have to say to them at all the important milestones in their lives "Your daddy would have been so proud of you", especially when they get married. Im the one whos going to have to say to our grandchildren how awesome and cool he was, and how much he would have loved them. And Im the one whos going to grow old without the love of my life.

Not to throw a hiss fit temper tantrum, but I just dont want to! I dont want to do all this on my own. I want to stomp my foot and yell at him and say "WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME SO UNPREPARED? WHY COULDNT YOU TEACH ME ANYTHING MORE? WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME WHEN YOU LOVE ME SO MUCH?"

So Im not sure if I am angry, I dont feel angry, just frustrated and overwhelmed. I dont want to be mommy and daddy, I want to be mommy and wife and his lover.

I just want him back.

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WHAT DOCTORS WILL SAY IN THE FUTURE

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Were Moved In!

As I write this post, I am sitting here at my new desk, with a red face from crying, tears running down my face and a drippy nose. I just got an email from an old family friend and it made me fall to pieces.

I want to write a really good "Hello New House" blog post, but Im not quite sure I can yet, I want to get used to the house first. But rest assured, we are adjusting well. The kids are in heaven here, as we live in a cul-de-sac, and there is a boy across the "curve" lol that is the same age as my son. They played together all day yesterday. The street is so incredibly quiet, and safe, and I can easily send the kids outside and not worry about where they are. Plus we have two dirt lots on either side that havent been built on yet, so the kids are having a fun time exploring in the dirt, rocks and seeing the various ducks that come by. They can ride their bikes as well without getting into trouble. We will be very happy here, I can see that already.

On Friday morning, the movers came at 9AM and were finally done at 2PM. They did a great job and I was very impressed with them, so it was very very much worth the cost to pay them rather than ask people to help me. I had about an hour to myself, and then at 3PM I had more friends come over off and on and, and then we had people in the house all day till 10PM! I wont name names, but I couldnt have done it without the help of all my friends that really chipped in. On Thursday I was also blessed to have six other friends of mine come and help me with last minute packing and cleaning. I still have a lot of cleaning to do at the old house, and there is furniture there that is being picked up and donated this week, but the house is empty save for that stuff. I had to laugh a bit because EVERY time Barry and I moved together, we were NEVER EVER ready to go on moving day. Never. And guess what? I was ready to go Friday morning, everything was packed and labeled, and the movers got right to work. So TAKE THAT Barry! lol

I am still not used to this place, it feels like I am living in someone elses house. The new furniture is especially disorienting, as we have none of our familiar stuff except our kitchen table and chairs. Last night it took me awhile to fall asleep in my new bed (mattresses were delivered yesterday!) because it was so new. I was sleeping in a new bed, on new mattresses, new pillows and with brand new bedding. I wonder if I feel this way because Barry was never here. And perhaps that is a good feeling in some ways, because we dont have the constant reminders of him around every corner. This house just feels "different", it has a different aura about it...I can sense it, but I dont know what it is. I am sure it will just take us time to adjust and become comfortable in our surroundings and then it will all be good.

Early early this morning it hit me when I realized what the date was. April 4th. Check out this post I wrote October 5th. Little did I know that when I wrote about losing my best friend, I actually would just a mere 5 days later.

It is exactly six months ago that Barry came home for the very last time alive. It was a Sunday too. October 4th he came home about 6PM, and we watched as he pulled his Kenworth into the driveway. He didnt come out of the truck to see the kids because he didnt want to get them sick. So the last time the kids saw their daddy alive was on the evening of October 4th as he waved to them from the cab of his truck. Shortly after that, my friend Sara came over and watched them for me, as I brought him to the ER from which he would never return. Six months that we have been having a real live nightmare.

And all I can do is sigh.

To celebrate our new home, I am making a VERY un-traditional Easter dinner as our first
official meal here. Im actually making Barrys famous spaghetti. I havent been able to make that since before he died, so we havent eaten it in probably close to 8 months if not longer. Weve had spaghetti once since, that a friend brought over, but I just havent had the courage to do it. He made the absolute best spaghetti, nothing topped it. And now I am carrying on his legacy by making it. Im looking forward to eating his spaghetti actually!

I hope everyone has a Happy Easter! I am overloaded with Cadbury creme eggs, as my kids have decided the dont like them anymore! And in Barrys words..."Communists!"

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Nine Months In

Its Thursday night, almost 10PM, on July 8th, and I started to write this post early.  I have so many thoughts going through my head right now about what life was like 9 months ago.

Nine months ago today (Thursday), Barry was taken off the ventilator.  Coincidentally, it was also a Thursday.  It was also our daughter Es 7th Birthday that day.  Tomorrow, 9 months ago, will have been the day I didnt want to go visit Barry because he was so cranky from the sedation, but went anyway because my mom told me I would regret it if I didnt.  Nine months ago tomorrow, will also mark 9 months that I had got my long awaited sewing machine that I just cant bare to open yet.  I dont know why, but I just cant do it. I look at it every day, but the box sits unopened in my office area.

Ive thought about something else a lot too, and that thought is...is my life better without Barry?  That is a very hard question for me to answer, because I can argue both sides.  Is my life better without him? If I want to argue the "No" side, it would be because he is gone. No, life is not better, because he is no longer with us.  He is gone, and I am a single mom with four children to raise on my own.  No, because I miss him terribly, and I cry for him, and hes not here for me to talk to.  Hes not here to help me raise the kids, to love us, to be with us.  Hes GONE. And life simply is not better because of that.

But if I were to say Yes, life is better because he is gone, I would feel guilty for answering that way.  But honestly, I can say that some aspects of life are better because he is gone. First off, I have lost weight. I know that I wouldnt have really lost the weight if he was still here.  I may have tried and tried, but I would have given up just as many times.  But now, I really have lost weight.  Ive lost about 75lbs!  I also have a house now.  We didnt know when we would ever own again, and now we have a (possibly) forever home thanks to him.  I also have so many more friends now.  The vast majority of these friends came into my life after Barry died, and they in a sense have become part of my family.  Rebecca, Jason, Greg, Christy and so many others.  I wouldnt have met these wonderful people if Barry was still around.  They have helped somewhat to fill the void that Barry left.

There are so many different answers to these two questions, I cant just pin it down.  9 months ago I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would be where I am today.  9 months ago I was in a hospital room with my husband, expecting him to come home the following Monday. Now 9 months in, Im a widow, I have a house, Im financially secure, Im thinner, I have more friends, and I miss my husband.

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WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CARMEN SANDIEGO

Okay, so I dropped off the face of the blogosphere about nine months ago.  I started this blog back in February of 2009, which was over three years ago.  I used the blog as a place to record my personal stats, which I was very into at the time, and as a storehouse for all the great articles I was finding in my main area of interest, which was, and still is, nutrition.  Low Carb High Fat nutrition, to be precise.  And then, without an explanation, I disappeared, and no one knew where I was, just like my old friend, You-Know-Who:

(I would watch that show just to hear them sing!  Im really dating myself now!)

Everyone has had the following experience:  Someone says something snarky (or downright mean) to you out of the blue, and you are so taken aback that you can think of nothing clever to say.  Later, when it is much too late, you think of the perfectly scalding comeback that would have put that person in their place and elevated you to “most clever person ever”.  I had one of those experiences back in August 2011 when a random stumbler stumbled across my blog and called me and my blog, well, stupid.

The comment posted by this anonymous person went something like this, as best as I can remember:  “Your blog is so lame!  Who cares about all your stuff?  Why don’t you get a life?” and more along those lines.  I posted back something like:  “Oh, yeah?”  I know.  Not the height of cleverness.  After I posted that brilliant response, I deleted both his (I don’t know why, but I always assumed it was a guy) and my comments so that no one else but me and that guy would see them. He never returned and it was a good thing, because I spent the next three days coming up with the most scathing comebacks I could think of, and I’m glad I never got the chance to use them.  I did not want to go on record tearing some stranger a new one as if I cared about what he said.  But I did care, and shortly after that, I stopped blogging.  To you, Guy that Commented:  I assume you will never read this, but you got your way.  I realized that no one cared about all my stuff and I got a life.  Not that I didn’t already have one, but you know what I mean…

I’m not sure what motivates a person to make a comment like Guy did.  I tried to imagine myself visiting someone’s blog about, say, restoring classic cars, and leaving this comment:  “Your blog is stupid!  I don’t care about cars and neither should you!  It’s a stupid hobby and a waste of money!  You need to get out of the garage and get a life!”  Nope, I don’t see me doing that.  Because, at heart and on the surface, I’m a pretty nice guy.

Anyway, the stats I posted nine months ago were the last ones I recorded here, right before I stole away into the night like Carmen Sandiego.  Not only did I stop recording them here, but I stopped in the real world, too.  No more weighing and measuring of food, no more tracking of fat grams or any other kind of grams and no more weighing and measuring of my own body.  Oh, I would hop on the scale every now and then (every few weeks, if I was looking fat), but those times were few and far between.  My tape measure stayed in the drawer and my digital kitchen scale stayed in the cabinet.

I feel pretty confident that I am only talking to myself here, because any people who were following my blog have long since given up on me, I’ll bet.  But if anyone is reading, the answer to “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego (aka Rebecca Latham)?” is that I just hit the wall and could not stand having to micro-manage my food and activities for one more second!  Being the anal retentive, perfectionist, obsessive compulsive person that I am (that last one has never been diagnosed), it was a hard thing to give up.  My charts would be incomplete and I would not be able to look back to a certain date after August 24, 2011 and know what my thigh measured that morning or how many grams of carbs I had eaten that day and what percentage they had been of my total calories!!!  Oh, the agony! 

Long story short, I got over it, and I am much happier now.  I have been sticking, mostly, to the low carb lifestyle.  I have had times that I have gone completely off of it, like during the holidays, but it is now my default way of eating and I always come back to it.  Over the past few months, I realized that I was getting too far away from what I knew to be the best for me and my chubby body and my chubby hubby.  I was starting to do things like grabbing a bag of Peanut M&Ms when I was out and about and a little hungry, and ordering and eating a pizza (crust and all!) when I was too tired to cook.  Lately, I put on about five pounds, and decided to get really serious about low carbing it again.  Just to see where I was starting at, I dusted off the ol’ tape measure and measured neck, waist and hips, and found out that I was almost EXACTLY where I was, body-size-wise, back in August, within an eighth of an inch.

Here is what I learned (again, pretty sure Im just talking to myself to solidify things in my mind and convictions) after my nine months off:  Whether I obsess over it or not, it looks like this is the weight my body wants to be.  All the many months and years I spent tracking everything and trying desperately to shed some more body fat were a waste of time and effort.  I mean, hey!  I did not track for the last nine months, and no harm done!

Having said that, I have made a new commitment to get really serious about low carbing and high fatting it again.  I have decided that I am not going to eat candy and chips (did I forget to mention the Doritos that I was having with more and more frequency?) and I am not going to grab cookies at the bank (yes, my bank has a cookie jar and there are bowls of candy on every flat surface accessible to customers).  For the past week or so, I am doing what I know is right and eating protein, fat and some veggies, no fruit save a few berries now and then, and drinking only water, tea and homemade lemonade sweetened with a little liquid Stevia.  I am not measuring my food.  I am eating what appears to be a reasonable amount.  After all the measuring all these years, I guess I should have a handle on what that means without having to get out the dusty digital scale!

If I never decrease my weight from here on out, I am resolving to be content with that.  In clothes, I look pretty good, and no one sees my secret love handles but me and my husband, and he’s not complaining.  I have dropped a couple of pounds in the past week or so, and that’s nice.

I have spent the last several days shoring myself up with reading great nutrition articles on the internet and catching up with all my favorite low carb bloggers that I have ignored for nine months and finding a few new ones, too.  I am rereading “The Art and Science of Low Carbohydrate Living” by Volek and Phinney (two of my faves, who chose me to be a success story in “The New Atkins For A New You”, for which I will always be grateful), which was a gift from Karen Norris, my ol’ Atkins pal.

I will post again when I feel like I want to write something down in font, or when I find a great bit of information that I don’t want to lose track of.

Onward and Downward, as I always say, but even Onward and Straight Ahead can be a good thing!

(By the way, I have gotten back into quilting as a business, so if you want to visit my other blog on that subject and see photographs of my quilts, you can click here.

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Slaps In The Face

Every night I go to bed knowing that my husband is dead. I am unhappy about it, but mostly resolved to the fact that he is never coming back (I still feel like I am in a dream sometimes). And very happy that the day is over and I get to go to sleep.

But every morning, I wake up and the pain is fresh again. Its like somehow my mind has been wiped clean during the night, and then is re-set as soon as I wake up. Fresh pain all over again, with new realization that he died and is never coming back. I feel like I am being slapped in the face. Have you seen the movie 50 First Dates with Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler? where every morning he has her watch a video of her accident and life and what caused her amnesia? I feel like she does every morning. Having to realize again, every single day, that he is dead and nothing can bring him back.

I noticed this morning though, that I didnt jump too quickly when the alarm went off, and look for a text message. I think that subconsciously I knew that it wouldnt be there. But again, not seeing it was like a slap in the face.

Seeing as yesterday was such an emotional day, having to relive the whole story to the reporters, I kind of figured that today would be hard. I certainly did not expect what happened yesterday, to happen. And today I get to read the article in the news paper too. Ive only seen the online version of the article, I dont know if our picture was included in print, or even if the reporter used the donation information she asked for (crossing my fingers). I am going to pick up some copies today and get them laminated them as well.

I guess I still dont get it. Why has this happened to us? What did we do to deserve this? Why, when there are so many other evilpeople who deserve to have their lives snuffed out, did my husband die? A good, kind, loving man who did EVERYTHING for his family was torn away from us for no reason.

Why do my kids have to grow up without their daddy when there are so many dead beat fathers in prison? And why do I have to live without the love of my life when so many women out there hate their husbands and wish them dead? Take them please, and give us back our daddy and husband.

Please.

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JUST CHECKING IN

As you can tell by the months and months between this post and the last one, I have not posted for awhile.  I thought I would come on and post a quick update, in case anyone is interested.

Ive been off the wagon just a bit in the past four months.  Nothing serious, but not being as careful as I should.  I have put on a few pounds, so I decided to go back to tracking again just to get, well, back on track.  For the past two days, I have been eating like this:

1555 calories
135g fat
57g protein
28g carbs

Thats around 78% fat, in case that matters to anyone and they dont want to do the math.

In the past two days, I have lost 2 pounds.  The lowest I had gotten in 2012 was 136.4, I think.  It was hard to stay there, and I finally decided that if I could stay below 140 and maintain there, I would be doing well.  And I did for awhile, and then I went on vacation.  I gained eight pounds, and most of that in the last 2 days of the 13 day trip.

Most of the trip, I stayed true to my low carb lifestyle, and the last two days, I said heck with it and ate badly.  I gain weight really fast when I eat badly.  Obviously.

So now I am back to 143 pounds and working to get back below 140 again.  I have not taken my measurements.  Ill probably do that on Sunday.

Thats all for now.  Thanks for reading!

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In Memory

I havent blogged in about three weeks now, weve been so busy living our lives.  Ill give a bit of an update in the next few days, but I have to first talk about Barry.

Eight months ago today I became a widow. Eight months ago my entire world was shattered as I held my husband in my arms and the doctors called the time of death. 11:11AM.  Eight months ago a new life began as I started a life without Barry, and just the kids and I.

And I miss him every. single. day.

And I still have trouble believing he is gone.  I dont think I will every get over that, ever.  It is completely impossible for me to accept his death, to come to terms with the fact that such a strong life force was snuffed out like a mere candle.  He shouldnt be dead, that sort of thing just doesnt happen.  Really, why should a healthy 29 year old man die? WHY?

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. Im not sick. Im grieving and thats different. I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. That person is part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

  I dont have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are just some things in life that are not acceptable.

Today I will shed a tear, or many, for the man that I have lost.  

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Six Months Later

Right now at 9:30AM as I am writing this, 6 months ago Barry was completely "normal". He was alive, and joking and telling me he loved me. And then he died a mere hour and a half later. I am trying not to dwell on that today, but its hard. I am going to keep busy and run some errands with the kids.

I had all these grand plans to write a post about how he died because I figured six months would be a good date to let it all out. No one asked me to, no one pressured me to do it, but I decided not to do so because I am just not ready. I just cant handle the emotions that come with talking and writing about it. It is going to wait for another day, if i am ever ready that is.

I find it so incredibly hard to believe that six months have passed already. It seems a lifetime ago, yet it was only six months. And look how far the kids and I have come in just six months! I have done so much more than I thought I ever would do, and Ive come out ahead most of the time. Time is flying by so quickly, and while I am thankful for that, I am also sad. As I told someone not that long ago, I feel like I am holding him clenched in my hands as tightly as I can, but no matter how tightly I grip my hands together, some of him is bound to seep out like little tiny grains of sand. I hold on as tight as I can to the memories, but as time goes on, I am so afraid I will forget him. Not necessarily him, but his little nuances, things he did and how he was. In the grand scheme of life, 11 years with someone is not that long considering we live for almost 100 years. That would only be 10% of my life that I spent with him, and it doesnt seem like it was nearly enough. I wanted 80%.

I finally started to write in my journal. I have no rhyme or reason to what or when I write, but whenever it strikes my fancy, I write down memories I have of him or us, things he told me, things he did as a child etc etc. Its for the kids mostly when they are older, so they can read about their daddy, and for me too, so I dont forget the little pieces of him. I only have one entry so far, but its a start, right?

I am starting to get choked up writing this, and Id like to keep it together today, so I am going to end this now. I have grocery shopping to do today, and still feel like I need to get this house into order because I took four days off this week when we went on vacation. Were almost all moved in, but there is still a lot of work to be done around the house organizing and unpacking.

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Being Sad

It hits you at the oddest times.

Ive found that in the last few months, even when I think Im doing ok, that Im really not. Its not even being sad about Barry, but perhaps something else is really eating at me, and I dont know it.

Those are the times when I just want to curl into a ball and cry, and yell and scream about how unfair life is.

And then though I may not realize it, Barrys death is still affecting me, and affects my moods. Like last night I was having an OK day up until last night, and then something really started to bother me a lot. I just tried to push it away as best as I could, but by the time I finally crashed and went to bed, I was emotionally exhausted and landed up crying myself to sleep.

I was talking to him when I went to bed last night, and I was ANGRY. So Angry at him for leaving. I was asking him WHY did he have to leave, and if he was back my life would be so much easier. I would give up everything to have him back.

This Evanescence song reminds me so much of Barry. I feel him here with me, but at times I wish he would just leave me alone so I could move on. I want him here, but his presence lingers on and on and on. I cant turn a corner in this house without a reminder of him. And its HARD, so HARD that I cant do anything in this house without seeing him or having a reminder of him.


"My Immortal"

Im so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it wont leave me alone

These wounds wont seem to heal
This pain is just too real
Theres just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried Id wipe away all of your tears
When youd scream Id fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now Im bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds wont seem to heal
This pain is just too real
Theres just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

Ive tried so hard to tell myself that youre gone
But though youre still with me
Ive been alone all along

[Chorus]

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