Happy Birthday To Me!!!

Im 30 Today!!! An Old Maid if you want to refer to me as that! LOL

I dont want to write too much, as I have a busy day ahead of me.  Im on my way to go buy a Tiara to wear out to dinner and to the bar tonight! I have friends coming to dinner, and my sister, a friend and I are going bar hopping tonight. I plan to enter my 30s in style! And probably throwing up in my kitchen sink later tonight.
Yes, I have a babysitter, and we are taking a cab. I am somewhat responsible.

I wrote a whole big birthday post yesterday, so I really dont want to delve into all those emotions again today.  But what I do want to do is post my birthday song.  This is so incredibly special to me, because it was played last year on my birthday by Barry.  Little did we know it would be the last birthday he celebrated with me. I copied the text I wrote on face book, because I dont even want to have to re-write it.

My Birthday Song courtesy of Barry. Last year we were on our way to BC on my 29th Birthday, and had to stop at the bank to take out some cash on our way there. I was PISSED at him b/c I thought I had forgotten my makeup bag at the house and he wouldnt let me go back to the house to get it (even though we were less than 10 min away). He told me to just buy new makeup when we got to Canada, and of course I was NOT happy b/c I wanted my own stuff.  We got to the bank, and even though he had told me not to dig through the suitcases, I waited for him to go inside, and then tore through them looking for my makeup bag.  I found it, but never told him.  I pretended to be mad still when he got back to the van from being inside.  When we were pulling out of the bank parking lot, he looks at me...puts this song on and starts singing and making fun. I couldnt help but not be mad anymore. That was his way, he always tried to make me laugh.  And now I have this awesome memory of him on my last bday with him

Dearest Barry, thank you for making that birthday so incredibly special, even though you never knew it would be my last birthday with you.  I will always have special memories of that day, and thank you for giving me that lasting gift.  I miss you, and will always love you more than words can express.  Youll always be my Sexy Man ;)

Love forever,

me xoxoxp

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HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO US!

Bill are is 69 years old and I am (almost) 58 years old. We eat high fat, including lots of heart-healthy saturated fat, sufficient protein and very low carb. We avoid eating artery-clogging whole grains and sugar.  Neither of us needs to take medication of any kind, we are normal weight, and disease free. We both had high blood sugar, but not any more. Medical professionals are amazed at us!

Today, we celebrate our 39th wedding anniversary.

 

 

 

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Twins Turn 9 Happy Birthday to the Two Best 9 Year Olds Ever!!!

I really wanted to write a whole big long post for today, but Im just not feeling up to it.

Life has really dealt me a shitty hand this past week, and I am tired, and exhausted, and just dont have any energy to put a lot of thought into a deep and thoughtful blog post. So if my post is boring and not well thought out, just deal with it! HAH!

June 2000 was when I found out I was pregnant. I dont remember the exact day, but my period was late and I went to the Medical Center on base to get a blood test. It came back later that morning before I was due to go to work, so I was anxious to finish my shift and go tell Barry. When work was over, I rushed over to the base, found Barry, and ran up to him...gave him a hug, and said "Youre going to be a daddy!!!". He was shocked to say the least, lol. I dont remember anything else about that day, except those few memories. I am almost positive I found out the middle of June though.

Just a couple weeks later I had my first doctors appointment. I saw Dr Westerburg, my OB/GYN on the German economy. I had an ultra sound that day too, and since it was so early on in my pregnancy, I had a vaginal ultrasound. I was extremely shy, and had Barry wait on the other side of the screen. This was on June 27th, 2000. Now, you have to realize that Barry and I were kind of hoping that we would only have one child first, but since twins run in my family, we knew that it was a possibility. Dr Westerburg was administering the ultrasound, when suddenly she exclaimed loudly "Yah, I zink I zee two in zhere!", in her German accent. Barry immediately rushed around the screen despite the fact that I had asked him to stay on the other side, and we watched the screen as Dr Westerburg showed us our two babies. I was 6 weeks pregnant at this first ultrasound.

On September 11th, I found out I was expecting a boy and a girl! I was in my 17th week of pregnancy. Barry was on a field exercise during my appointment, so he was not able to come with me to find out. But you bet I called him as soon as I got home! I was so happy to tell him he was having a son!!! AND a daughter!!! It was very, very obvious that Marshall was a boy. He was NOT shy about hiding his goods at all! lol

In late November, early December of that year, we moved back to the States, and settled in WA. My new Dr was Dr. Kathy Hennesey, whom I loved dearly, and was our family doctor for years. She actually delivered child #3 as well. I was put on bed rest for a couple weeks, as that plane trip we took from Germany to WA state gave me pre-ecclampsia! bummer! I spent the last couple weeks before the twins were born laying on my couch, watching crappy TV and doing nothing, lol. I was waiting for the time to pass, but it went by so slowly.

On Feb 7th, a year and a day ago, it was the night before my C-section, and I had Barry measure me. I measured about 55" around the biggest part of my belly! I was all belly! I was absolutely HUGE! I have pictures of me from that day, or the day of the surgery, somewhere, and I am always astonished at how huge I looked.

To be honest, I cant remember much of the day they were born. What I do remember is in bits and pieces. We got up super early to head to the hospital, my c-section was pretty early that day. I think I got in Pre-Op around 7 or so, and then the surgery began about 7:30. Let me tell you, you lose ALL modesty when you have a c-section, and I know, because I have had 3! After my spinal (I loved my Anesthesiologist by the way), I was laid out spread eagle and naked on the table, and they put my catheter in. I dont remember much after this, except that I got sick and threw up (as I did with all my c-sections), and that Barry stood up during the surgery to watch them take the kids out and said he saw my internal organs. LOL. He never recovered from that, haha. He said he saw my liver and my intestines as they were pushing around to get the twins out. The reason I had a c-section was not just because it was twins, but because V was breech...she was bum down, and not heavy enough to even make me dilate. And then M was transverse, so the two of them were making a T in there! lol T for twins!

V was the first one out, at 8:10AM. She cried for a bit, but had a bit of trouble breathing, so they took her over to the table and got her howling pretty quickly. M was next at 8:12 AM, and Barry was watching too. He said M was so gangly that when they pulled him out, he kept coming out, there was no end to him (Even now, at 9 years old, he is almost 5 feet tall and has legs like a horse! He is gangly and ALL legs, lol). He squawked once, and then he was quiet. lol. Again, I dont remember too much about this. I do remember hearing asking why V wasnt crying right away, and then looking over to my right and seeing a big ark of pee going through the air, as M peed everywhere! lol

Barry went upstairs with the twins and assisted the nurse in giving them their baths. I was in recovery at this time, so I was really out of it. All the memories I have of this are what Barry told me. The nurse washed M, and Barry washed V. He told me he was scared to hurt her, so he didnt get all the blood and junk out of her hair, lol. I remember commenting about that when I saw them after recovery.

There are so many memories of that day, but I am having trouble making sense of them. I was out of it on drugs and it was such an emotional day. I was so proud and happy to become a mommy at last! Barry was such a proud daddy. I have some wonderful pictures of him with the twins in the hospital, and afterwards, for years afterwards.

I am so proud of V and M. I am so happy to be their mommy! I cant believe that 9 years have passed already, and they are 9 years old! The last 9 years have just flown by...it seems just yesterday that they were born. I really dont know where the time has gone. Tonight we are going to go out to our favorite Pizza buffet for dinner, and have cake when we get home. Saturday afternoon is their combined birthday party, which we are having at a local gymnastics gym.

It breaks my heart that they wont have Barry at their birthday. He SHOULD be HOME right now. He should be here with me, sitting at the couch, working on his school work on his lap top. Or else he should be in the kitchen making the birthday cakes like he always did. I am mad that he has to miss the rest of their birthdays. I didnt want to write this post because I knew I was going to cry writing it. And yes I did, towards the end of this, I started to sob silently into my hands. The tears squeezed out of the corner of my eyes until my shoulders started to shake. And now my nose runs as I try to control the tears and crying. I miss Barry so much, I am so sad that he has to miss this most important day.

Please keep us in your thoughts as we try to get through today. Give us strength, and wish the twins a Very Happy 9th Birthday, even though we are sad, and missing our Husband and Daddy.

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Happy Birthday To me!!

Today I turn 31!

It feels a bit weird, but no different than any other year.  Ive gotten spoiled already by  the kids today,  with a box of my favorite Seattles Best Chocolates, a Joby Gorillapod SLR Zoom, and a Quantaray QSX Ultra 4STM Tripod/monopod.  I also bought myself a new camera backpack, remote and a few minor things.  All photography goodies :) And I couldnt be happier!!

As per usual, here is my birthday song:



Barry played that for me on my last birthday, and I wrote about it last year in remembrance of him. It was really weird to wake up with James this morning, as it is the first birthday with him.  The last birthday I had with anyone was with Barry, so it screwed with my head a bit.

Since we are leaving in just 2.5 days, I wont be posting here before, so look for some pictures and a blog post when we get back.  Now Im off to enjoy the rest of my birthday, and put together my camera backpack that just arrived by UPS.

Please think of us on the 25th, that is the day we are spreading Barrys ashes.

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7 Things to Be Happy About

Bad days happen, but when a bad day turns into a full on funk, something has to be done. Sometimes when we are caught up in worry and stress, we stop living in the moment and we focus on things in the past or things in the future that are out of our control. Theres a lot of uncertainty in the past and future, so when we stop living in the moment we have a hard time finding things to be happy about. We become so unsure of what we have done and what were going to do that we poison ourselves with negativity. If youre in a funk, if youve stopped living in the moment, this is your reminder that life is beautiful and here are 7 things you should be overwhelmingly happy about.

You Are Beautiful
Truly, I mean it. "But Lowery, you cant see me through a computer screen." Right, reader. I cant. But I do know a couple things about you.
1. You can smile.
2. You have talents and attributes unique to you.
Both of those things make you incredibly beautiful. If you can recognize these things, youre miles ahead of a lot of people in the world. Recognizing your beauty is simple, it just starts with smiling.

There Are People Out There Who Love You
Maybe they are far away, maybe you cant reach them right this minute. But there is someone somewhere who is so happy that you are who you are and that you exist. Know that. Remember that. Give yourself the same patience, love and understanding that they give you. Chances are there is someone you will encounter during your day who is willing to bend an ear or share a smile, and that is something to be happy about.

Hot Showers and Bubble Baths

Youve been freaking out lately over stuff you cant change. You need to relax. Take a bath or a hot shower and soak up the steam. Live in this moment. You are alone, and theres no one bothering you. All you need to worry about is not getting soap in your eye. While youre in there, feel free to belt out some Celine Dion. Trust me. Its therapeutic.

Progress
Celebrate the little victories. Maybe you got through a whole day without spilling food on your shirt. Maybe you woke up on time and made it to work five minutes early. Victories. If you are working on things that are getting you closer to a goal, like eating healthier to lose weight, or studying hard to get a 4.0, those are victories. And you deserve to celebrate and be happy for your progress.

No Matter Where You Are, It Could Always Be Worse
If you take a step back and examine the facts, youll realize that things arent so bad. Youre alive, for starters. I am willing to bet that you can easily name 100 things youre grateful for more quickly than you can name 100 things that are ruining your life. I can say that Im pretty blessed. I have a family who loves me, I have a job, I have transportation, I have a lot of modern conveniences. My life could be a helluvah lot worse, and because its not that is something to be happy about.

Tomorrow Can Always Be Better
You decide whether or not you have a good day or a bad day. Its not events that happen to you, and its not people you encounter. Its completely your attitude toward different life situations. So if you decide that tomorrow will be better, it will be better. You cant control what happens to you but you can control how you handle it. Instead of lashing out, put on your headphones and turn on Pharrell.

Possibilities
You know whats really amazing? You can pretty much do anything you set your freaking mind to. The possibilities are endless. Want to run a marathon? You can do it. You want to lose weight? You can do it. You want to become someone new? You can do it. The possibilities for you and your life are incredible. This moment youre in, this funk, its temporary. And if you want to be happy, its completely possible.

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10 Signs You Need a Fresh Start

When was the last time you took a few moments to do some a self-inventory. Not like a counting freckles, or hairs, but a nitty gritty introspection sesh? When was the last time you examined your habits and your moods and really thought about how youre doing. If its been a while, you may be missing the blatant evidence that its time for a fresh start. Sometimes when we are stuck in a bit of a rut, it can be pretty easy to miss the 10 signs that you need a fresh start. Let me break them down for you:

1. You would categorize or mood as kind of, "eh." You dont really find yourself passionate about anything.
2. You dont feel like your normal self. Youre not sure whats up, but you know that a couple weeks ago, we were not feeling like this.

You feel indifferent about most of the decisions you make.
3. You would rather sleep than spend time with loved ones. You and your bed are pals. When you get home you just want to lay in your bed and tell it about all of your problems.
4. Nothing makes you feel motivated anymore. You know you should workout, but you dont wanna. You know you should probably shower, but you dont wanna do that either. And laundry? Yeah... probably should... but no. All motivation = GONE.
5. The ones closest to you keep asking what is wrong. Your family thinks youre a little depressed. They keep asking you how you are and if everything is OK. Your response is usually, "Im fine. Just been tired."
6. Your confidence is in the toilet. You look in the mirror and you just arent feeling in. So, theres no point in getting ready, because that too is something youre just not feeling.
7. You feel insecure about your decisions. You put a lot of thought into choosing simple things like what to have for dinner and what to watch on Netflix, and then when you do make a choice you still arent sure if it was the right one.
8. You feel like running away from all of your problems. Your ideal situation would be a vacation for you and your friend Bed far, far away where no one can reach you. Preferably somewhere that doesnt require money, or bills, or other general life activities.
9. You realize youre not on track with your 5 year plan. This is not where you wanted to be with your life. You were supposed to have your dream job by now. Whats wrong with you? Your plan is totally ruined.
10. You feel like youve maxed out your potential. You cannot see yourself getting passed this. Youll be stuck here forever. All of your potential is maxed out and this is where you level off.

Even if only two of these apply to you... Its time for a fresh start. You need to re-vamp your life.

So how does one just start fresh? You cant just run away and sleep forever, and as good as that sounds it wont make any of your problems go away. Here are some suggestions to help you feel excited about life again and slowly start climbing out of the slump youve been camping in:

1. Start with gratitude.If you really stop and think about it you have a lot of amazing things around you. Set an alarm on your phone that will go over every day at the same time. Open up a memo app on your phone and write down 13 things you are grateful for and do this every single day. Seeing how awesome your life really is can be just the right push to get you living it to the fullest extent.

2. Watch this pep talk from Kid President. He is a pretty cool kid with some big ideas on getting out of a slump.

3. Make a list & reward yourself when everything on that list is done. Write down everything you need to do that day, and then write down what you get when its all done. So maybe when you shower, do laundry, and finish that report for work you get to take a break and watch a couple episodes of your favorite show. This will help you start getting things done so you dont get overwhelmed by tasks.

4. Do something for your body. Dropping a few pounds or even just doing a detox can help you regain some of the confidence youve been lacking for awhile. Try doing the Lemonade Detox. No need to change your diet, all you do is just drink the drink and reap the benefits.

5. Get outside. The weather is warming up and its time to spend less time inside and more time soaking up the sun. Go for a jog, go play a round of golf, or even go lay outside and read a book. You need some fresh air and some Vitamin D. You will feel better physically and mentally when you step away from the couch and when you step outside.

6. Reconnect with some friends. If youve been putting off hanging out with your friends, its time to reconnect with them and start surrounding yourself with people who make you laugh.

7. Cut down on naps, but still get your 8 hours. If you sleep too much, you actually feel more tired. If youre getting more than eight hours of sleep per day, its time to cut down on the naps. You are training your body to want sleep that it doesnt really need and in return it is making you more tired. Before you know it, your over-sleeping has got you caught in a cycle that makes it hard for you to get anything done.

8. Start dreaming & planning. If you arent where you want to be, change it. Simple as that. No one is going to change it for you, its up to you. Start dreaming again. Then start planning out way you can make that dream a reality. Sign up for a class at the local college, Read a book on investing. Whatever your dream is, start working toward it.

9. Surround yourself with motivating things. Find a happy post, rummage through old pictures and find your favorites, or turn on some happy music. Surround yourself with things that remind you to be better and things that inspire you to stay positive.

10. Lighten up. Dont take everything so seriously. Life is good and its worth living. All you need to do is decide that as of this moment, this moment right now, you are going to start fresh.

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Happy New Year!

I intended to start this year off good, and I have done that already! Im sorry for my recent absence, the Christmas season was incredibly busy for us and full of family, and lots of fun.

Christmas turned out quite well, albeit very busy for us.  We left here early Christmas eve and got to my dads house shortly before noon, so it really only took me a few hours driving.  That day was insane! We were at my dads for a few hours, then went to my moms house for Christmas eve with my mom, step dad, brother, sister, step brother, and myself and all the kids.  Then much to my surprise, two old family friends showed up that I hadnt seen since 99 probably!!  They were best friends with my brother and sister, and I used to babysit them, plus we were all neighbors years ago.  It was a great day, and we had a ton of fun.

Christmas day was fun, but with normal family drama, and a turkey that just took forever and a day to cook.  My oldest Uncle was there, and I hadnt seen him since July of 97, so that was just a real treat to spend time with him again.  The kids took to him like glue, and we got a lot of great family photos with him and my dad, step mom and all of us kids plus my kids.  It was a really long day though, and we were exhausted by the time it was over.

Boxing day (the day after Christmas for you non-Canadians), my brother, sister and I went to my Omas house for lunch, and spent the morning with her.  She made us a pot of delicious homemade pea soup, which we all just loved.  Then it was time for my brother and I to bring my sister home, so we did so, but then got caught at the border for an hour, and didnt get home till 6PM that day.  It was just go-go-go the whole time, but we had a great time, and it was nice to reconnect with family again.  We hadnt seen my brother in a year either, because he lives so far away, so he stayed to visit with us for a couple days too.  So really, we were non-stop from Christmas eve till the 28th, a busy 5 days it was.

And then yesterday was New Years Eve!!  I remember last year I was dreading New Years Eve, it was a horrible day for me.  I didnt want to leave Barry behind in 2009, so passing into 2010 was quite hard for me.  But I really think I did OK this past year, I had a lot of ups and downs, my life completely turned around and went in so many directions I never ever imagined possible.



I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and a wonderful new years!!

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Happy Birthday Again !!! and some exciting news!!

Five years ago today I became a mommy for the last time :) Its hard to believe she was born 5 years ago, she still seems so little to me.  She is my baby!  Today James and I took her out for lunch, and then after school she opened the rest of her presents.  Today was fairly low-key as we did the bulk of her birthday stuff yesterday because she had her party. I didnt have as much of a hard time with her turning 5 as I thought I would, but I am sure that when she starts kindergarten I will.

In other news, I am extremely excited to announce I am going to Camp Widow this August in San Diego.  I heard about it through twitter, and my friends on there, and also through the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation.  It is a weekend long conference for Widows and Widowers alike, and I am ecstatic!! Four days all by myself with people who have been through the exact same thing I have been.  This is the first time I will go away by myself as an adult on a plane.  Ive never been on vacation, never left the kids with anyone...it will be awesome.  James will be watching the kids for me too.

sorry if my writing seems disjointed...i just dont have it in me today.  I should have written more for As birthday, but weve had a busy couple days and I couldnt put my thoughts down on paper.

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One More Step

Awhile ago, I wrote about what to do with some of the items I had left from Barry and our life together.  Among the items, I had roses from his funeral, roses he gave me, our bed and our Christmas tree.

Today I got rid of the last item, and let me tell you, it felt freeing.

In January, James and I got rid of the bed and the Christmas tree during one of our multiple trips to goodwill.  I did keep the middle finial piece (or however you spell that) from the headboard.  And today I threw the roses away in the trash.  But not before I took some pictures of them as a reminder.

This first bouquet is actually two bouquets of roses that Barry gave me, 

but I dont know how long Ive actually had them.  I just couldnt get rid of them 

till now

This last bouquet is roses from the funeral.  My good friend Lisa did the flowers

for me, and I actually had tulips in the arrangement too.  Roses and Tulips because

those were the only flowers he ever bought me. 

I really didnt feel the need to keep the flowers anymore.  They were just sitting in my closet on the top shelf gathering dust.  But you know, I am glad they are gone right now.  I feel a sense of peace about it, like Ive taken one more step towards healing.  I dont know that I will ever heal, but I would think it is pretty rare to heal from the death of a spouse anyway.  Regardless, I am glad I did it, and that it was when I felt ready to do so.

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Stuff I Wish I Could Share

I always loved sharing funny things that the kids did with Barry.  It always gave us a laugh to see what crazy crap they would come up with.

Our oldest daughter V, who will be 10 on the 8th of February, has really been spouting some winners lately.  This past week she had spelling homework to do, and decided to be lazy and make up all of her definitions.  This is what she did:

Obviously we ALL had a laugh, and I even posted it on facebook because it was so funny.

And then today, James and I were in As room putting some stuff up on her walls and it was Vs job to vacuum her shared room with her sister E.  V says "James, James, the vacuum is broken.  It wont turn on, we need a new vacuum.  I keep pressing the button but it wont turn on!!".  He went in and checked on her and had to pull me into my bedroom barely able to contain his laughter as he told me what she was doing.

She hadnt plugged it in.

Thats V for you though, she is SUCH a blonde! Barry and I would always laugh about the stupid stuff she would do.  I wish I could share this stuff with him though, because I can see him in my head reacting the way he always did. Laughing and sighing at the same time.  He would have gotten a kick out of it.

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A Year Of Memories January 17th 1999

If youve been reading regularly, youll know that I have decided to do "A Year Of Memories" post on every significant day during our marriage and courtship.

I feel like with todays blog post I am backtracking somewhat in mine and Barrys relationship, as it was not the first significant day in our history, but rather the 2nd. However, that first day will have to come December 18th of this year, so be patient for that! lol

By January 17th of 1999, Barry and I had been chatting quite often through email and yahoo. He had sent me an email before asking if we could talk on the phone. I could probably dig through my old emails, which I did save, and find the exact one that he mentioned talking on the phone, but for now my memories will have to do. He told me that he wouldnt spend a lot of money on a phone card, but that he just wanted to hear my voice. So I gave him my phone # and waited....

That day was Super Bowl Sunday. I cant believe it was 11 years ago!

The phone rang at about 9:20AM PST, and I was in the living room at my dads house. I dont remember what I was doing, what I was wearing. I remember nothing of that day but waiting for the phone to ring. And then it did, coming all the way from Germany, from a hallway in the barracks which I would eventually call home less than a year later....

The first thought I remember was how sexy I thought his voice was. I remember writing in my journal how much I LOVED it. I was STOKED that he had an accent. I remember laughing a lot. And I remember just being so excited that I finally got to hear his voice. And I remember just beaming while he talked, just being able to hear him speak.

And unfortunately that is all I remember. But it was such a good day, and always stuck out in my head.

Im sorry I dont have much more of an exciting memory to share with you all, but it was an important one to me. The next day will be February 8th, the day our first two babies were born.

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Happy Anniversary Sexy Man!!

10 Years ago today, local Wiesbaden time at 9:30/10AM, I was saying my vows and married Barry in Germany. I had no friends there, just his buddies, and I wore a silver ball gown. But when he put that ring on my finger and said "yes", I was the happiest woman on earth. Barry you were a wonderful husband and I will always, always, love you and miss you. Happy 10th Anniversary Darling!!! ? BNB

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A Year of Memories February 24th 1999

I am reluctantly writing tonight. My heart just isnt into it, but I committed to writing all the "A Year of Memories" posts, so I cant go back on it now.

I dont even remember much about this day at all. I couldnt tell you what time of day it was, what I was wearing, or anything else about that day. All I remember is being in a private yahoo chat with Barry. This was before we had even met in person! We had known each other for only two months, and had been talking online and over the phone for those past couple months. I dont remember the conversation either....all I remember are the four words that I saw typed on the screen.

"Will you marry me?"

Of course my answer was a resounding YES!!!

We were stupid kids...really, who proposes in a yahoo chat room? We chuckled about it over the years. That was not the last time Barry proposed to me though, and that last time almost didnt happen. I will share that memory in April actually, as that is when Barry broke my heart.

Im still working on my "I can do it by Myself" post, but havent had much time to really develop it and think it through. Its in the works though, and will be coming soon. Life has not allowed much down time, and when I do get downtime, I just sit like a bum and do nothing because I am always go go go during the day. I am hoping things settle down sometime soon, but I have a feeling they wont be until after we move.

Speaking of moving, my furniture shopping is coming along quite nicely! I have amassed a beautiful living room set, my bedroom set, my formal living room set, a TV stand and a shelving unit that I absolutely fell in love with. All that is left to buy for furniture is the older two girls bedroom set, mattresses for them and myself, a new computer desk, and some bar stools. Oh, and a Piano. Today I purchased the shelving unit and the TV stand, and we will do probably the rest of it on Saturday morning. I would love to show pictures, but I am going to wait until everything is all put together and unpacked.

Moving is projected for Easter weekend! or the weekend before, not quite sure yet.

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Always Close To My Heart

I wanted to share about a pendant I had made this week.

Back in January, a lady in my Grief Works group showed me one she had made, and I fell in love with it.  I wrote down the name of the shop, with all the best intentions to go there and have one made too, but kept forgetting about it. Occasionally I would happen upon the paper that had the shop name on it, but then it would slip my mind again, and Id go about my life forgetting about it.

This week, all four children have had half day camp at our local childrens museum, which is downtown in our city.  Monday morning after I had a coffee date with one of my twitter friends, I decided to explore for the last hour that I had before having to pick up the children.  I wandered down the street, and saw this cute shop I wanted to look in.  I fell in love with the items in there, and picked out a few things to purchase for Christmas gifts.  Then out of the corner of my eye, I happened to see a pendant.

I gasped, and asked the owner if this was the store I thought it was.  He replied yes, and I started to cry a little as I explained to him what had happened.  It was fate that I walked into that store on Monday, and I was just so happy that I had finally found it and could get my pendant made.

I picked it up yesterday morning after the kids were done camp. I opened the box slowly, peeled back the tissue paper, and gasped as I saw the pendant laying there on the cotton padding.

Isnt it just gorgeous? 

I remarked to the owner that it was just beautiful. I absolutely LOVE it. The inside circle is about the size of a quarter.  The color is cobalt blue, and its made out of hand blown Pyrex glass.  Its shaped like a bowl, so its not flat on the bottom.  The back has a star burst design of white, blue and red colors, so the pendant is versatile and can be worn both ways.

The reason I wanted to write about the pendant is because it is very special to me.  Do you see those silver swirls inside? Do you know what those are?

They are a small portion of Barrys ashes.

What makes these pendants so special is that the artist (coincidentally he is also the owner) has developed a special technique for being able to put  these in the pendant as he blows the glass and shapes it. It is not advertised, only done by word of mouth, and  he makes them a priority, which is how I had it back within one day.  

Monday night, I had the very humbling task of putting some of Barrys ashes into a little vial that was provided by the artist. I was somewhat scared to do that, but it turned out to be OK.  I opened up the bag of extra ashes I had, shook it around a bit to separate the bits of bones and ash, and scooped them into the vial as best as I could. My finger tips were covered in ash, as I held Barry in my hands again.  The first time I touched him since I said goodbye to his dead body in the hospital.

I cried a little as I put the ashes into the vial. And then glanced at my finger tips and wondered to myself , "I have Barrys ashes on my hands, what do I do now? Do I wash my hands, do I rub them off on my clothes, what do I do?  But I did wash them.  I washed his ashes off my hands, and down the drain they went amidst a cascade of soap and water.  

Just the act of touching the ashes was extremely humbling. But the reality is, those ashes arent him.  They are his physical body, but not his essence. It represents him, but it is not how we remember him. Our memories are how we keep him close to us, and not by keeping the ashes around.  However, I can always hold him close to my heart now as I wear this pendant. 

I love it. 

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Happy Birthday Baby!!

Dearest Barry,

Today is your 31st Birthday.  How I wish you were here to celebrate with us, because you see, today is also a very special day for other reasons; Were having As 5th birthday party today.  Ive done this for two birthdays now, as last year we also had her party on your birthday.  I cant believe she will be 5 on Monday.  Did you know that after you died, I was leaving the hospital with Lisa and I saw a couple come up from Labor and Delivery with a brand new baby.  I remarked to Lisa that the last time I left that hospital with you was when A was born, and that now I was leaving without you for good.  I felt so incredibly heartbroken in that moment; seeing a husband and wife with their brand new baby girl.

I cant believe you are 31 today.  We met when we were 18!! That seems like a lifetime ago, doesnt it? This year would have been our 12th anniversary.  I cant even fathom that anymore, it seems surreal to me, like a dream.  Yesterday when I was baking As cupcakes, I thought about you because I was making chocolate cupcakes.  Chocolate was always your favorite flavor, and I had half a mind to go buy two more cake mixes and make a giant 13x9" double layer cake like you always would.  And I wanted to cover it in copious amounts of chocolate icing.  I wish I could do that for you.  Instead I made 36 Toy Story 3 Cupcakes.

I dont know what to say, what to write to you right now. Writing to you is cathartic, but I cant do it too often.  That is such a huge change from when we were engaged though, Id send you pages and pages of letters..and now I struggle to find the words.  Theyre evading me.

What I do want to tell you is thank you for giving me four awesome children.  Thank you for making me a mommy.  I want to tell you that especially because our baby will be 5 tomorrow.  You are missing so many important milestones already.  She is such a character Barry...she would have you cracking up like crazy.  She is a total goof ball, she still dresses all crazy like and in wild clothing combinations.  She tells jokes all the time, she dances, she sings, she looks like you in some of the pictures of you at age 5 making the same silly faces.  She is her fathers daughter in every way.  I cant believe she will be starting kindergarten in September.

Why cant you be here for that? Why did you have to leave us? Why did you have to leave the kids without their daddy? Me without a husband? Why did you have to fuck up our lives so bad? I know its not your fault, but Im very upset right now thinking that OUR daughter was just a baby when you died and now she wont hardly remember you.  Shes starting kindergarten in 6 months and another man will be there for her first day, and NOT you.  Its not fair, NOT at all.  I want you to be here to see them grow up, see her grow up...to see them turn 13, learn how to drive, graduate high school, university..get married, have babies. I want you to be there to see OUR grandchildren.  And you wont be.  That makes me so mad and angry and sad.

With that, Im going to end this.  Its time to get ready for the birthday party, and I have lots of stuff to do yet. I love you Barry.  Happy Happy Birthday!! Well be thinking about you all day today.  We miss you and love you so much.

Forever and always,
Me
xoxoxoxoxp

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Not to Toot My Own Horn But

I did a first ever maternity photo shoot for a close girlfriend today!  I was quite nervous to say the least, and really afraid I would screw them up.  But, I was wrong, and they turned out AMAZING!  Please go check them out and "like" the page if you dont mind :)

https://www.facebook.com/JoannaMichellePhotography
Here is a sneak peak of one of the photos!!! I LOVE it, and its is probably one of my favorites.

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