Fight or Flight

So I thought I had this great post all written out in my head, when it just vanished. I completely lost my inspiration.

I can probably summarize it a bit, explain what happened to me today, and perhaps you can all give me some insight.

This morning I had an appointment to go to, but before I went I was a tense bundle of nerves all morning. I wasnt even nervous about the appointment though. I felt like I had a ball of wobbly gobbly goo in my belly (if you can guess that reference, you win a prize!). Or if you want to use an even better analogy, a big ball of snakes wriggling around. I dont know why I felt that way, but I felt like I had to get up and RUN. Just run, or jump, or even scream! It really felt like "fight or flight", super adrenaline I guess.

It eventually went away after I left the house and went about my day. I felt so on edge this morning, I was very tense and couldnt calm down. I wasnt yelling at the kids, nothing like that, but I just felt very very on edge.

I know it is common in this sort of situation. I felt it at the hospital when the Dr told me they couldnt find a pulse. At that moment, I screamed as loud as you could possibly imagine. Ears ringing screaming at the top of my lungs. Thats also when I pushed past the doctor and ran full speed down the hallway to Barrys room. Now, Im a big girl. Im not skinny, and any sort of running hurts my shins. But I could have beat an Olympic gold medal winner for how fast I sprinted down that hallway. I didnt feel any pain whatsoever, except in my heart. It really is a "fight or flight", super adrenaline rush.

Im sure to experience it again. I know it wasnt an anxiety attack, because I have had those in the past and this was very far from it. At least now I know what it is, and I can better channel that energy. Im actually thinking of getting another membership at a gym, so that I can release some of whatever is inside me, besides excess chub.

In other news, I need advice on the boy. He is having a super hard time dealing with his daddys death. He doesnt like to talk about his feelings, and hates to cry. Im so sad for him because I dont know how to help him. We talk about daddy, how its OK to be sad and cry, I give extra hugs etc etc. Im even a bit more lenient with them, and today I even picked out some special presents for the kids at Toys R Us, for them to have a special surprise when they got home from school.

But he is acting out. Everyone is, but he especially. Hes meaner to his sisters for sure. I have enrolled us in a family grief support group. Mostly its for the kids, but the parents go. The first session starts mid November, and I am looking forward to going. I hope I can get some sort of insight on how to deal with kids and grieving. Any advice? A friend of mine gave me some ideas that I am going to put into play tomorrow afternoon when they get home from school again, but I welcome any advice.

I wish I could take all the pain and sadness away and just make us happy again. It really breaks my heart to see them so sad and crying.

Why is life so unfair?

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A TALE OF TWO MEALS BACON OR BAGEL FOR BREAKFAST MASSIVE HEALTH

I just found this on Massive Health.  So much good info in so little space!

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So

I dont have a title for todays post.

Today I went back to MOPS after being gone for a month. Originally I went to the first meeting in September, and the one after that was the day Barry was extubated. Then the last one I couldnt make because the boy was sick, and he and I were on Tamiflu. I was disappointed that so many of the regulars were missing today, I guess its that time of year and so many of us are sick. So my big group thank you will have to wait until next time, the 17th of November. But none the less, it was so good to see some of my friends!

At MOPS today one of the ladies gave me a copy of Barrys obituary. I had to hold back the tears a few times as I sat and read it, over and over. Looking into his eyes in the picture was hard. I loved that picture of him. It was actually one I took of he and my brother this past July, at Fort Langley. We had a great day, and I actually caught him smiling! lol I cropped his face for the obituary.

I miss him. I miss him more than words can say. Im just so sad! Ive been wanting to write down memories, but I havent had the time to do so. I want to give myself quite a bit of time to do so, because I know it will be very emotional. I cant do it before bed either, because thats just too hard to do.

Today while I was driving home from my MOPS group, I wondered how I could possibly go on without him. How can my life go on without him? I dont want to be without him. I cant imagine my life without him. Yet here I am, and my life doesnt have him in it, living at least. I wish I could be with him, but the kids need me. I so desperately want him back.

I guess I am still feeling that desperation of losing him. Its really a hard feeling to get over, when you have such a tragic loss in your life. It doesnt hit me all the time though, just when its quiet and my thoughts get the better of me. Those times are when the tears squeeze out of my eyes, when I quietly sob to myself.

I read a blog recently, another woman who lost her husband 4 years ago. She wrote a "Dear Husband" letter just last week. Im actually thinking of doing something like that too, but in a bit of a different context. I want to write "Dear Barry" letters on important milestones, to tell him what weve been doing, how were doing, remember memories, ask him questions etc etc. I want to write the first one now, but I am going to wait till the 10th, which will mark the one month anniversary of his death.

One month...so short a time, yet it feels like a lifetime.

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