Should I Allow Myself a Cheat Meal

If youve been sticking to a strict diet for a long period of time, you might be toying with the idea of taking a

day off. In the health and wellness world, this is commonly referred to as having a cheat meal or a free meal. There are benefits to having cheat meals. Mentally, cheat meals are a good break. Cheat meals can also help you develop healthier attitudes towards food by showing you that one bad meal wont completely destroy your progress. Before you jump off your routine and into a day of indulgence, you should know that cheat meals arent for everyone. Heres what you need to know about cheat meals.

What is a Cheat Meal

When we think of cheat meals, we typically thinking of indulging in foods that we normally wouldnt eat. But theres more to a cheat meal than eating whatever you want. A cheat meal needs to be three things: planned, portioned, and practical.

Planned - Cheat meals dont happen because you accidentally messed up. Cheat meals are meals you planned for and have looked forward to. Planning you cheat meals ahead of time gives you something to look forward to.

Portioned - While cheat meals are an opportunity to eat foods that you normally wouldnt, they arent an excuse to binge. Dont eat a whole bag of chips, eat a small bowl full. Dont eat multiple full-size entrees, pick a sampler and have a little bit of everything. You can still enjoy yourself without over eating.

Practical - You should go into a cheat meal knowing your restrictions and knowing that it might be tough getting back on track the next day. Allowing yourself a cheat meal isnt permission to eat everything youve been craving all at once. Cheat meals are only successful if you understand that it is a temporary break from thinking about your diet regimen. That break ends as soon as your cheat meal does.

Should You Allow Yourself a Cheat Meal?

So how do you know if a cheat day is for you? Well that depends on how you answer the next question: Are you a binge eater? If you answered no, then you definitely should give the cheat meal a try if you are trying to vary your eating program. Many people follow the 80/20 rule. Which means that they stick to their program 80 percent of the time and then the other 20 percent they allow themselves to eat more liberally. So to put this in perspective, if you eat 3 meals per day, 21 meals per week, you should be eating 17 of those meals following your program, and allow yourself 4 meals of food you dont normally eat. 

 Now, if you answered yes to my earlier question about binge eating, then I recommend being extremely careful before you let yourself have a cheat day. If you have a hard time controlling your portions when you have a free day, or if having more options is a trigger for binge eating, cheat meals will not be in the best interest of your or your program. One cheat meal wont set you back, but if having a cheat meal triggers a 3 day binge, it will set you back and its not worth it. Recovering from a binge takes a lot out of you mentally and emotionally. If your past experiences with food have left you feeling out of control or a little bit crazy for food, youll want to stick to your routine as much as possible. 

Ultimately the decisions of having a cheat meal is up to you. From personal experience I know that one cheat meal usually turns into a binge, Thats the type of eater I am. I have a hard time eating indulgent foods in limited quantities. Being able to recognize that helps me realize that I will be successful doing the things that help me feel focused and in control.

Do you allow yourself cheat meals? 

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Fight or Flight

So I thought I had this great post all written out in my head, when it just vanished. I completely lost my inspiration.

I can probably summarize it a bit, explain what happened to me today, and perhaps you can all give me some insight.

This morning I had an appointment to go to, but before I went I was a tense bundle of nerves all morning. I wasnt even nervous about the appointment though. I felt like I had a ball of wobbly gobbly goo in my belly (if you can guess that reference, you win a prize!). Or if you want to use an even better analogy, a big ball of snakes wriggling around. I dont know why I felt that way, but I felt like I had to get up and RUN. Just run, or jump, or even scream! It really felt like "fight or flight", super adrenaline I guess.

It eventually went away after I left the house and went about my day. I felt so on edge this morning, I was very tense and couldnt calm down. I wasnt yelling at the kids, nothing like that, but I just felt very very on edge.

I know it is common in this sort of situation. I felt it at the hospital when the Dr told me they couldnt find a pulse. At that moment, I screamed as loud as you could possibly imagine. Ears ringing screaming at the top of my lungs. Thats also when I pushed past the doctor and ran full speed down the hallway to Barrys room. Now, Im a big girl. Im not skinny, and any sort of running hurts my shins. But I could have beat an Olympic gold medal winner for how fast I sprinted down that hallway. I didnt feel any pain whatsoever, except in my heart. It really is a "fight or flight", super adrenaline rush.

Im sure to experience it again. I know it wasnt an anxiety attack, because I have had those in the past and this was very far from it. At least now I know what it is, and I can better channel that energy. Im actually thinking of getting another membership at a gym, so that I can release some of whatever is inside me, besides excess chub.

In other news, I need advice on the boy. He is having a super hard time dealing with his daddys death. He doesnt like to talk about his feelings, and hates to cry. Im so sad for him because I dont know how to help him. We talk about daddy, how its OK to be sad and cry, I give extra hugs etc etc. Im even a bit more lenient with them, and today I even picked out some special presents for the kids at Toys R Us, for them to have a special surprise when they got home from school.

But he is acting out. Everyone is, but he especially. Hes meaner to his sisters for sure. I have enrolled us in a family grief support group. Mostly its for the kids, but the parents go. The first session starts mid November, and I am looking forward to going. I hope I can get some sort of insight on how to deal with kids and grieving. Any advice? A friend of mine gave me some ideas that I am going to put into play tomorrow afternoon when they get home from school again, but I welcome any advice.

I wish I could take all the pain and sadness away and just make us happy again. It really breaks my heart to see them so sad and crying.

Why is life so unfair?

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Its Time

Dear Readers;

What Im going to write about today has been weighing heavily on my mind for awhile, and Ive struggled with coming to terms with it, how to acknowledge it, and just how to proceed from there. I had a couple really awesome conversations last night with a couple people, one including my sister, that really helped me realize that this is what I want to do right now.

And without further adieu, here we go...

Im not going to blog about grief for long time.

It has been almost two months since Barry died. I have trouble beleiving that myself, only two months? I remember the week after he died, when we were all busy with funeral preparations and dealing with that and the aftermath, time just crept by so very slowly. And then my family left, and I thought time couldnt go fast enough. All I wanted was for time to pass. Now here I am, the last day of November, and Im shocked that hes been dead for two months almost.

The last two months have been filled with unmeasurable sorrow. Buckets of tears, little sleep, spending lots of money because I just needed to keep busy. Weve done the Grief Support group thing (next week the 10th is our last meeting, were skipping this week because the three older kids have the Christmas Choir performance) too, and weve just tried to deal with this dynamic change in our family. And it has been the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do.

I will always love him, that is never going to change. How could I not? We were married for almost 10 years and have 4 children together. He was my life for over 10 years.

But now hes dead.

And honestly, that changes things now. How can I be in love with a dead man? Does that sound callous? I certainly dont intend for it to sound that way, but the love that I have for him, its changing in some ways. Its so hard to explain unless youve actually lost a spouse; You will always love them, always hold them in your heart and memories, but you cant live a live with a dead person. You cant talk to a dead person...well, you can, but not in person and you certainly wont get a response. I dont think the love will fade, but it just changes.

Blogging about him has been so therapeutic, it has helped me to work with my grief and somehow, somewhat, come to terms with it. But it is so emotionally exhausting to talk about it all. the. time. Ever stopped by here and wondered why there wasnt a post one day? this is why. All Ive been blogging about for these last two months has been Grief and Barry, and I just CANT anymore. I just cant. Theres no saying I wont blog about grief again, I probably will, and at certain milestones too. But this grief blogging day after day after day after day, is really getting old. How many times can I really say how sad I am? And I do think that blogging about him all the time is prolonging my sadness. Of course if I write about it, Im going to be sad and all that encompasses.

I want to be happy again, I am going to be happy again. I dont want to wake up each day and think that I have to grieve, have to be sad all the time because my husband is dead. Society has made us think that once you lose a spouse, you should grieve for the longest time possible, perhaps the rest of your life. But Im only 29, Im not destined to spend the rest of my life grieving and mourning the loss of my husband. Im not destined to spend the rest of my life alone! I do want to love again, and one day I hope I can even get remarried. Im going to get through the holidays this month (ok, next month, but its only one day, does it really matter?), and start 2010 afresh. 2010 is going to be a new year for us! Im going to make it the best year I can. Were going to go to see family in PA hopefully in the summer for a reunion, Im going to try take the kids to Disneyworld or Disneyland, and Im even thinking about going camping with them too! Were going to LIVE, and enjoy, and be happy again.

I hope you will all come to visit and read my blog still. I love having you all here, reading about us, encouraging me, and being such awesome supportive friends. It has meant so much to me.

And with that, I say goodbye to grief blogging for now. I will be blogging still regularly, so come back to visit!! Ive found a new love for writing, and I enjoy it!!

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Reality Is A Cruel Bitch

Dont you agree?

This morning I heard the familiar sounds of air brakes, and my heart started beating faster with excitement, pitter patter pitter patter.. I knew it wasnt Barry, but I couldnt help myself, and went outside to look and see what it was. Just a truck at the neighbors house. Though my mind knew, my heart was still slightly crushed.

Unfortunately, the dog also heard it. Braddock loves Barry, and is used to him being gone. As soon as he heard them, he started whining and crying. You never really think of the pets in this sort of situation, but he knows. Braddock has known that sound for a very long time, since early 2004. Air brakes by the house means Daddy is home.

But now hes not.

I still havent full accepted Barrys death. Why? I dont know. I just dont know how to fully comprehend it. Wrapping my mind around it is such a foreign concept to me and I still dont understand. And Im not sure when I will. My mind does know, but my heart does not. I think that had Barry had a job where he was home all the time, this would be an easier transition. His job was a blessing, and a curse in disguise. So yes, were used to him being gone which helps with day to day life, but again, were also used to him being gone, so it doesnt seem real.

As I am typing this, the dog heard the truck outside start up again, and he is barking like mad. He thinks Barry is home. He is conditioned, like Pavlovs theory of Classical Conditioning.

On a bit of a happier note, I decided that this year the kids and I would adopt two children from the Salvation Army Angel Tree. You can pick an angel in your area, and either have the items shipped to the Salvation Army in their name, or drop it off at a local location. Ill be dropping them off at a local Salvation Army center.

I just felt really called to do this. Everyone has been so good to us, that I just wanted to make someone elses Christmas a little brighter. I have wanted to do this in the past, but we could never spare the money. This year I decided I would make sure I did. Please consider doing so if you can spare some, even $50 to go buy an outfit and some toys. I assure you it would really really help some parents give their children a Christmas that they cant otherwise afford.

I did have another, completely different, idea for todays post, but that will have to wait. I just felt it was more important to talk about what the dog was going through.

Pets grieve too.

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What is Oil Pulling

Ive been seeing a lot of people on Facebook talking about oil pulling. I am a little late to the oil pulling party,

but when I saw that it could help whiten teeth and prevent bad breath, I decided I should probably look into it.

When I first started researching, I had no idea what oil pulling was and I had no idea how to do it. So thats where I started.

How to Oil Pull:

Oil pulling is done to promote oral healthy & detox the body. It is done by swishing organic oil such as coconut oil, sesame oil or another vegetable based oil in your mouth for 20 minutes. After the 20 minutes is up, you spit the oil in the trash and rinse your mouth out with warm water.

So what exactly does this swishing do exactly? Well, the lipids in the oil are said to pull bacteria out of your mouth and saliva. It also prevents bacteria from attaching to your teeth. This means that there is less bad breath and yellowing causing gunk in your mouth and more vitamin E. Say hello to stronger, whiter teeth.

Not only does it make teeth stronger and whiter, but a lot of the blogs I read from veteran oil pullers report that it helps headaches go away, it helps improve skin, and it helps people with insomnia and TMJ.

My Experience Oil Pulling:

Ive  tried some pretty odd things for the sake of trying them. Ive done the super glue black head removing mask (terrible freaking idea), Ive done It Works! Wraps, Ive tried dozens of creams, oils and balms, and Ive tried Cali Kickers, but trust me when I say that this is the weirdest thing I have ever done.

I picked up some Organic Coconut Oil (Im not fancy, I just got it from Wal-Mart for like seven bucks). I ran the bottle under hot water for a few minutes to soften the oil, then I scooped about tablespoon out. It was still pretty solid, but easy enough to scoop out with a measuring spoon.

I was super nervous. I held it in my hand for a second and and just kinda stared at it. Then I woman-ed up and went ahead got started. Since mine was kind of solid, it took a couple minutes before it melted completely in my mouth. Having some clumps in there made for a really weird experience texture wise. Then once everything was melted it took me a good 7 minutes before I was used to how t he oil felt and tasted. 

Swishing something for 20 minutes is a REALLY long time. One tablespoon isnt a lot, but as the 20 minutes

goes on the oil soaks up saliva and bacteria and before you know it your mouth is VERY full. I tried staying busy to keep my mind off of the fact that I was basically tasting all the germs in my mouth all at once but those 20 minutes went buy so slowly. 

Finally it was time to spit it out. The articles I have read say to spit it in the trash because the oil can cause problems in your sink. Then I rinsed with the warm water as instructed. I brushed and used mouth wash. My teeth instantly felt awesome. They felt smooth and looked wonderful. I cant really say if they were instantly white, but I know that my mouth felt great. I also didnt feel like I needed gum 10 minutes after brushing.

Despite how weird it was to try, I would definitely do oil pulling again. The benefits are there and I think the texture is something that you can get used to.

What crazy things have you done to whiten your teeth?

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So what is The Fast Diet

The Fast Diet is a simple concept on paper. It is written by Michael Mosley and in basic terms it sets out the concept of significantly reducing your calorie intake for 2 days every week. He states that on a fast day, you should cut your calories to a quarter of a normal calorie intake.

• As per RDA (Recommended Daily Allowance) men should consume no more than 2500 cals per day which would mean on a fast day, no more than 625 cals should be consumed.
• For women, RDA suggests no more than 2000 cals should be consumed per day which would equate to no more than 500 cals consumed on a fast day.

Sounds easy?

Well to be honest, yes it does, and the best bit is yet to come. Mosley also states that when not fasting, you are allowed to practically eat what you want, when you want. Providing you stick to the 2500 / 2000 calorie guideline, then you are allowed to have a free rein for the rest of the week.

Please keep reading my posts though as along the way I will be discussing some exercise techniques / tips and will also be posting about super foods which will help speed up the metabolism...

D x

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Yes He Really Is DEAD

I was in town, well, if you can call it in town, today for MOPS. OK, I really wouldnt call it in Town, because I live in the state capitol, but for all intents and purposes, I shall say "in town". And "town" is a half hour away from my house. And town is in a different place than where I live. But I digress...

Today at MOPS we made Advent Calendars. I have to say this is one of the most fun crafts I have ever made, I really really enjoyed it. I will post pictures in the next couple days or so of what I did because I am going to do a blog post about it. Figured Id get a happy post in, everyone wants to know how to do crafts, right? So be on the look out for that in a few days, I am looking forward to posting it.

On to business...

Today I paid for Barrys funeral and cremation. I remember walking up to the Funeral Home and thinking that MOPS had just gotten out, and would anyone see me go into the funeral home and wonder why I was there? I dont think anyone saw me, but I dont know why I didnt want them to see me. I wasnt ashamed, I suppose it was just something I didnt want to share with anyone. Didnt want them to see me still taking care of funeral business, dealing with it all still.

I was laughing and joking with the staff, but inside I was hurting. I asked them if they could process my debit card as a credit because I get points for all transactions I do as credit. I joked about Barrys service giving me over 12000 points and now I could earn a Macys gift card because I was over the point threshold for a $50 card. We talked about gallows humor, and how you just have to laugh sometimes because otherwise youll just be eaten up inside. And then I accidentally slipped and said something about burning Barry...I was shocked at myself, but then started laughing because I was so flustered.

Paying today though, really was a slap in the face. It was a reminder, all over again, that "Yes, He really is DEAD" and that nothing could bring him back. Not that I expect anything to bring him back, but it was a hurtful reminder as I signed that receipt for $3,625. I felt as sad as I did when he died, as sad as I have been feeling since he died.

While driving back to the city, I was thinking again about how awful this whole situation is. How surreal it is. Do you know I still feel like I am in a dream sometimes? Hoping that maybe Ill wake up somehow. Because it still doesnt feel real to me, he doesnt seem gone. But he is, and will be forever. And while I was thinking about how awful it is, about how full of despair I am, I told myself that I just had to laugh.

The situation I am in, that the kids are in, it is so fucking awful. How can I cry all the time, and be depressed all the time? It is so stressful that I have to laugh about it, though I do feel like laughing like a mad woman. Just belly laughing to DE-stress. Its so awful you cant imagine how awful it really is. And every time I think that maybe, just maybe, I am OK, it hits me all over again and Im knocked to the ground. And my last analogy of the night, dealing with grief of this magnitude is so very much like one step forward, two steps back. I feel like I am in a well trying to climb up the slippery sides, but rarely finding anything to grip.

And I wonder, when will I be OK? I know were NEVER going to get over this. You cant possibly get over a loss like this. The pain is going to be there forever, but when will I be OK? When can I laugh, and share memories, and be happy again? When will I think of him and have a warm fuzzy feeling spread throughout my body as I remember him, instead of being sad and angry that he left us?

I still cant look at his pictures for too long without crying. I do touch his face each night and say "I love you", I kiss his lips through the glass, and then I go to bed.

And I still havent dreamt about him.

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What is MY Purpose

Ive been a Stay At Home Mom for 9 years now! 9 long years!!!

The last paying job I had was working for AAFES, and I quit because we were due to come back to the States since Barry was discharged from the ARMY. So, I was a stay at home mom from the time I was 7 months pregnant with the twins till present time.

These last 9 years I have been a Wife and all that entails, Mommy, Homemaker, Housekeeper, Nurse, Doctor, Hairdresser, Lawn Mower, Garbage taker-outer, Christmas present wrapper, everything.

I am now everything but the Wife.

And I feel lost, confused, bored...everything.

Our plan was for me to get a job once the baby started 1st grade, which is in 3 years. But honestly, I dont know that I can wait that long. I might have to though, but I refuse to put the kid in daycare just to get a job. Its a conundrum.

I dont know what to do with myself. Im so bored. I dont think there has been one day since the family left that we havent gone out and done something. Either were running errands, going to the mall, going to the library, going to friends houses, or going on field trips with my Meet UP group. The thing is, this IS my life, this HAS been my life for the last 9 years, so why am I suddenly disenchanted with it?

I feel like I am a contradiction. How can I be a stay at home mom if I dont have a husband? Well, I do have a husband, but hes been stuffed into a nice wooden box on my entertainment center, and a plastic bag filled with extras that I requested for us to go to Build A Bear. If that sounds callous, you should know I just have to joke sometimes; Barry called it gallows humor. I never understood it until he died.

Anyway, I just dont see what my purpose is right now. I can still be a stay at home mom, I dont have to work if I dont want to, but I am bored and uninspired. Ive thought about looking into some sort of schooling, but I dont want to do that till the baby is in school either. I cant take time away from the kids right now because they need me. I have tons of crafts to catch up on, I have a brand new sewing machine sitting on my hope chest that I havent opened yet and Ive had for 3 weeks. I could always sew, but right now I just dont feel like it. Maybe in a week or two. Ive got two years of scrap booking to catch up on too. I am however, going to get my YMCA membership back, I think working out again in the mornings will really help me out, and waste some time as well. Ive been feeling the need to let the elliptical trainer kick my ass again.

What suggestions can you readers give me on how to occupy myself other than crafting and sewing? Do you think I should get a job, or should I be here for the kids? And what the heck am I going to do next year once the baby starts Pre-K? Ill be bored out of my mind.

Its almost like I need another man to take care of*....


*maybe one day*

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Today is a Good Day

I feel good today! I hope the mood sticks because Ive needed a positive day for awhile.

I went to library story time today with my youngest, and saw a friend there from the kids school. She helped orchestrate meals and donations for us, so it was nice to talk to her. Plus, story time was fun for the "baby", and it felt great to get out of the house and back into one of our routines.

Got home and my freezer was delivered. Not a big deal to some, but I have wanted a freezer for ages. I am so happy I bought one yesterday. I got a Frigidaire 9 Cf for only $250! Brand new from Lowes. Ive put some food from my fridge freezer in there, but I am anxiously awaiting my trip to Costco on Monday. I want to stock it ;o) Im going to do an inventory list as well, just have to find a good one on the internets.

Tomorrow we are going to a Trunk or Treat with a family from the kids school that invited us, and then Trick or Treating on Saturday. We have a nice full weekend planned.

Yesterday was also the day of phone calls. Two in particular with some new friends. I had a great time talking and laughing. Thank you to R and C ;o) You guys have been such a help to me, and I really appreciate it.

This doesnt make me happy, but Ive been wondering why I havent been dreaming about Barry. Not once. Its been 3 weeks almost! I thought I would have dreamed about him by now. Maybe I will once I really need it? I dont know, but it is a bit disheartening not to have those "nighttime dates". I wish I could dream about him. Its hard to believe it has been almost 3 weeks. Time has flown by since he last came home almost 4 weeks ago. Its amazing to think how much our lives changed just in the span of a week, or even a day.

I am thankful that today has been a good day so far.

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One Month Ago

I have a post in mind for today, but I wanted to say some other things first. First off, Im writing this Monday night. Its going to be a long post, so be forewarned. I dont have the ability to write this tomorrow morning because I am going to be out most of the day, and I dont want to deal with the emotions that come with writing a post like this. Im staying away from the house, and keeping busy till the kids get home so I just dont have to think. Ive also got a veterans day assembly tomorrow night to go to. I figured why not write it tonight, Monday night, when I can deal with it all and wake up and not have to worry about writing such an emotional post. I havent been able to write anything like this yet, and I certainly cant write like this in my journal right now. But I will definitely be keeping these posts for the future. Perhaps Ill even have them bound into a book. So here goes....Im even crying while writing this intro.

One more thing. I had this post publish at Barrys time of death. 11:11Am.


My Dearest Barry,

I miss you so much honey. I think about you all the time, and I love, love, love you. Ill always love you less than 3. Youre my sexy man, you mud stuffin!

One month ago, you were cruelly taken away from me and the kids. Little did I know that on that one Saturday, when I headed to the hospital, I would leave it without you forever. I wasnt even going to go to the hospital because we had to get ready for Es birthday party that afternoon, and I had to go pick up her cake at Safeway. You were going to make her a headstone cake with a candy skeleton, remember? But then when we realized youd be in the hospital for awhile, we decided Id go order one instead. Mom told me to go visit you, because it would be nice to see you earlier rather than later. Im so glad I went.

We had such a nice visit that morning. Joking, laughing, and teasing each other. I remember you were eating your breakfast when I came into your room, and the first thing you said to me was "Hey Baby". I drank some of your OJ and then gave the rest to you because I didnt want to get any germs from you. I will treasure those moments forever. Ill never forget the time that we had. I am sure you know this, because I did tell you once you were conscious, but I was at the hospital day and night. I spent hours there with you in the ICU. I talked to you, rubbed your feet, held your hand, kissed your forehead, put pictures and cards up on your wall, everything. I dont remember saying I love you that morning, but your nurse Amy, told me she had heard us say it. I know we did, we were always saying I love you to each other.

Just a short time after I got to the hospital, I dont even remember what time it was, maybe 45 minutes? you got up to go to the bathroom. Thats when it all went downhill. The nurses had me leave, and I called the family, and then they called a code blue. Dr. Christensen came to see me in the stairwell, where I was with a lovely woman named Deb, and told me they couldnt find a pulse. Did you hear me scream? I think everyone on the 10Th floor heard me scream. It made my ears ring. You always said I was too loud, Im sure you did hear me. Then I ran past Dr Christensen, and ran full speed down the hallway...I didnt even hurt my shins! I forced my way into the hospital room and was at your side. I held your hand, I kissed you, I loved on you as they performed CPR on you. You were turning blue at this point, but I know you heard me talking to you.

Do you remember me telling you how much I love you? How much of a good daddy and husband you were? How you were my best friend? How I would love you forever and always?

Dr Christensen was standing at your head, and I to your left, holding your hand. He came to stand beside me, hugging me, and telling me that they could put you on life support, but that you wouldnt wake up. That you would be a vegetable for the rest of your life because you had been without oxygen for almost 40 minutes at that point. Did you hear that? Did you hear me yell at the doctors that I wasnt a widow? That I was too young to be a widow? That this wasnt happening to me? Did you hear me say that it was OK to stop the CPR, and that I knew you wouldnt want to be a vegetable? Do you know how hard it was for me to say that? To have to know I was saying goodbye to the man I loved? I broke away from the doctor, and went to talk to you again, telling you over and over and over how much I love you, how much the kids love you, how much of a good father you have been, how much of a wonderful husband you have been. How you were my best friend, and I thanked you for sacrificing everything for us. I kissed you and hugged you.

And then they called the time of death and stopped CPR. I was there with you and said goodbye.

Everyone cleared out of the room, the nurses took me to a private room where I was able to call Lisa and Sara to be with me. I dont think I could ever thank them enough for what they did for me. About an hour and a half after you passed, I was allowed to go back into your room to say my final goodbyes. I half layed on the hospital bed beside you, Lisa and Sara put your left arm around me and helped you to hug me. They leaned on my back and just hugged me, as I hugged you. Again I said goodbye, saying all those things I said before. And to tell you again, You were my best friend Barry, I love you more than anything. I will never stop loving you for the rest of my life. I appreciate everything you ever did for us, sacrificing our family time so that you could provide for us. You were the best husband I could have asked for, the very best man I could have ever asked to spend my life with. Our children couldnt have been given a better daddy, you were the best ever!

I had Lisa and Sara leave for about 15 minutes or so, so I could be with you by myself for awhile. You know, I clipped some of your chest hair? I have it saved away. I always loved running my fingers through it. I kissed your lips, I marveled at the fact that parts of you were still warm, and I couldnt stop touching you. I just loved on you.

Telling our kids that daddy died has got to be the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my life. They miss you so much, and theyve been having a hard time. A especially because she just doesnt get it. I dont know how I can explain to her how you are never coming back. Ive tried, and I think maybe she is starting to understand, but she always says she misses you. We all miss you. We all love you. Were starting family counselling on the 12th, its geared especially towards families and kids that have lost someone like we have. And I am going to a grief support group starting in January, my good friend Rebecca, whom you never got to meet, is going to watch A for me once a week when I go. I think it will be good for me.

I think you would be so proud of me for how I have handled everything this past month. Ive been so strong, despite the fact that my heart is breaking. Ive done more paperwork than I could have ever imagined, I took care of your trip packs, I did all the insurance paperwork, I took care of the funeral arrangements. Ive really stepped up and I know you always wanted me to make something of myself, and I have really taken the first steps towards that. Im even thinking of writing a book! Everyone has told me how well I can write, I never knew that! It was always you who had that talent in our family. I respond by saying how sad it is that such a tragedy had to happen to make the words flow. But I can do it, and I am good at it!

People have blessed the kids and I considerably. With food, monetary donations, and cards, and love, and friendship. More than I could ever have asked for. And you have blessed us too Barry. I know we didnt expect that life insurance to ever have to be used, but thank you for that. Thank you so very very much for getting that, and seeing to provide for the kids and I after you passed.

I still sleep with your t-shirt under my pillow, and your pillow between my knees. Once in awhile I will wear it, and also wear your deodorant to bed, so the shirt smells like you. I cleaned out your truck, and guess what I found? Your black beanie cap! You also left me close to $80 in change!!! Mike always said you were bad for that, and was he ever right! Doug and Dusty came to your funeral, did you know that? And Jeff N came to pick up your truck shortly after that. it was so hard to see it being driven away, I recorded it with my blackberry, and had Jeff pull the air horn a few times so we could hear it.

At your funeral, did you hear the songs that I picked? I went through your iTunes on your (now my) lap top, and picked the top 4 songs I knew you liked. I know the two you wanted the most, Mars for when the service was starting, and O Fortuna for when it was ending and you were being taken out. You told me you wanted that, and I did it for you baby. Im glad we were able to talk about that over the years, because it made me so happy to be able to do that for you. And O Fortuna, Barry that is YOUR song! When Mom, Maegen and I were going through the songs, we started laughing when I played it for them. Its so pompous, arrogant...its you! It is the epitome of you, and I love you for that.

Barry, I love you. You are, and always will be, the man of my dreams. I have loved you since I was 18 years old! The 10 years that we were married, and the 11 that we knew each other were the best of my life. You gave me the best decade of my life! You were my first love, my first everything, and I will never forget you. I could write so much more, but my fingers are getting sore, and I will leave more for another day.

If I could ask you one more question, one last request of you, could you please come visit me in my dreams? I miss you, and I so desperately want to dream of you. To see you in the flesh, to touch you, to hear your voice telling me you love me.

Goodbye for now!

I love you Sexy Man!

Love, Me
xoxoxoxp

p.s. I finally bought that camera. haha :o)

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How Long Will It Be

I started writing this post over an hour ago, and I am just now getting to it. I am slow tonight! I had a few emails to catch up on, a thank you note to write, facebook to check. Lots to do! I wasnt planning on writing tonight, because frankly, I just cant do the grief thing day in and day out. I do know that thats why youre here, because it makes for a good read. And thats totally ok with me, please just be aware that I wont be "grief blogging" every day. I would say the majority of my posts will be about grief, but Ive still got that Advent Calendar post to publish.

Anyway...

Today the youngest was very tired and overwhelmed. We were cleaning the house all day, and she didnt get a nap in. Naps arent the norm for her, but once in awhile she will still take one. During one of her cranky fits, she was crying and crying and said "I want my daddy".

Just imagine me letting out the biggest sigh ever. The weight of the world on my shoulders.

All I can do for her is say "I know", and give her a hug and a kiss.

I dont know how to handle these types of instances. I know she is young, but how long will it be till she stops asking about him? All the kids have known is having Daddy gone for work, he started Trucking when the twins were just over a year old. And while he had a local trucking job for awhile, they were just 2-3, and E at the time was just brand new, and 1.5 when he started with his current job (well, it was his current job). So all the kids are used to him being gone, but the older three understand more. She doesnt. I want her to ask, I dont want her to stop asking, but I dont know how to explain to her about what happened, over and over and over. My usual response is something along the lines of: "Daddys heart was sick, and the doctors couldnt fix it, and then daddy died. Now he lives in our hearts and we can talk to him any time we want" etc etc.

I thought ahead to Christmas, and her birthday, and wondered if shes going to ask about him then. Why does she have to be so used to him being gone? Why did his job have to be such a curse and a blessing that way? I cant help but wonder if she will forget him. I dont want her to forget! I am scared she will stop asking about him, and forget he existed, because she is so young. I know that it is our duty to keep him alive for her, to relay memories and tell stories, look at pictures and watch the few videos we have. And sadly, that is all we have now, whatever exists in our hearts and our heads, the jpgs in the computer and the few videos I have wandering somewhere around the house.

And if she does ask, what the hell am I going to say? How do I explain to her that daddy can never come back? It breaks my heart to break hers. How can I tell her that No, daddy isnt working, he died and now he lives in our hearts? As I said earlier, she is used to him being gone, she doesnt get the finality of the situation.

I just dont know what to do!

And while I am on the topic of grieving, I am wondering how to handle day to day life with the kids. I feel like we arent grieving. OK, maybe we are, I know we all are, but around each other, we dont so much. I rarely cry in front of the kids. The boy doesnt like to talk about his feelings. V, the oldest, is always saying how much she misses him and does cry...she shows her grief the most. E, the middle child, is a lot like the boy and doesnt show her feelings very well.

It feels like were just going through the motions of day to day life as usual. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Is it bad that this is our life, having him gone all the time, and bad that were used to it? I will be bringing this up at our next grief support group, because I think that some of the other parents can give me some insight on this. I personally, do not know what to do, because I want us to miss him, I want us to cry and be sad, but it seems like we just dont know how because we are so used to him being gone.

I know for a fact that I have trouble grieving in front of the kids. I do cry occasionally in front of them, and I know they have heard me at night getting upset and crying, but I feel like I have to put on a front for them and just be the strong mommy. The grieving wife side of me doesnt get to come out usually unless I am by myself at night, or during the day if all the kids are gone at friends houses or school.

Does anyone have any ideas? I know youre all reading, so comment already :)

Its hard to believe Ive been a widow for almost 7 weeks. It will be 7 weeks on Saturday.

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WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CARMEN SANDIEGO

Okay, so I dropped off the face of the blogosphere about nine months ago.  I started this blog back in February of 2009, which was over three years ago.  I used the blog as a place to record my personal stats, which I was very into at the time, and as a storehouse for all the great articles I was finding in my main area of interest, which was, and still is, nutrition.  Low Carb High Fat nutrition, to be precise.  And then, without an explanation, I disappeared, and no one knew where I was, just like my old friend, You-Know-Who:

(I would watch that show just to hear them sing!  Im really dating myself now!)

Everyone has had the following experience:  Someone says something snarky (or downright mean) to you out of the blue, and you are so taken aback that you can think of nothing clever to say.  Later, when it is much too late, you think of the perfectly scalding comeback that would have put that person in their place and elevated you to “most clever person ever”.  I had one of those experiences back in August 2011 when a random stumbler stumbled across my blog and called me and my blog, well, stupid.

The comment posted by this anonymous person went something like this, as best as I can remember:  “Your blog is so lame!  Who cares about all your stuff?  Why don’t you get a life?” and more along those lines.  I posted back something like:  “Oh, yeah?”  I know.  Not the height of cleverness.  After I posted that brilliant response, I deleted both his (I don’t know why, but I always assumed it was a guy) and my comments so that no one else but me and that guy would see them. He never returned and it was a good thing, because I spent the next three days coming up with the most scathing comebacks I could think of, and I’m glad I never got the chance to use them.  I did not want to go on record tearing some stranger a new one as if I cared about what he said.  But I did care, and shortly after that, I stopped blogging.  To you, Guy that Commented:  I assume you will never read this, but you got your way.  I realized that no one cared about all my stuff and I got a life.  Not that I didn’t already have one, but you know what I mean…

I’m not sure what motivates a person to make a comment like Guy did.  I tried to imagine myself visiting someone’s blog about, say, restoring classic cars, and leaving this comment:  “Your blog is stupid!  I don’t care about cars and neither should you!  It’s a stupid hobby and a waste of money!  You need to get out of the garage and get a life!”  Nope, I don’t see me doing that.  Because, at heart and on the surface, I’m a pretty nice guy.

Anyway, the stats I posted nine months ago were the last ones I recorded here, right before I stole away into the night like Carmen Sandiego.  Not only did I stop recording them here, but I stopped in the real world, too.  No more weighing and measuring of food, no more tracking of fat grams or any other kind of grams and no more weighing and measuring of my own body.  Oh, I would hop on the scale every now and then (every few weeks, if I was looking fat), but those times were few and far between.  My tape measure stayed in the drawer and my digital kitchen scale stayed in the cabinet.

I feel pretty confident that I am only talking to myself here, because any people who were following my blog have long since given up on me, I’ll bet.  But if anyone is reading, the answer to “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego (aka Rebecca Latham)?” is that I just hit the wall and could not stand having to micro-manage my food and activities for one more second!  Being the anal retentive, perfectionist, obsessive compulsive person that I am (that last one has never been diagnosed), it was a hard thing to give up.  My charts would be incomplete and I would not be able to look back to a certain date after August 24, 2011 and know what my thigh measured that morning or how many grams of carbs I had eaten that day and what percentage they had been of my total calories!!!  Oh, the agony! 

Long story short, I got over it, and I am much happier now.  I have been sticking, mostly, to the low carb lifestyle.  I have had times that I have gone completely off of it, like during the holidays, but it is now my default way of eating and I always come back to it.  Over the past few months, I realized that I was getting too far away from what I knew to be the best for me and my chubby body and my chubby hubby.  I was starting to do things like grabbing a bag of Peanut M&Ms when I was out and about and a little hungry, and ordering and eating a pizza (crust and all!) when I was too tired to cook.  Lately, I put on about five pounds, and decided to get really serious about low carbing it again.  Just to see where I was starting at, I dusted off the ol’ tape measure and measured neck, waist and hips, and found out that I was almost EXACTLY where I was, body-size-wise, back in August, within an eighth of an inch.

Here is what I learned (again, pretty sure Im just talking to myself to solidify things in my mind and convictions) after my nine months off:  Whether I obsess over it or not, it looks like this is the weight my body wants to be.  All the many months and years I spent tracking everything and trying desperately to shed some more body fat were a waste of time and effort.  I mean, hey!  I did not track for the last nine months, and no harm done!

Having said that, I have made a new commitment to get really serious about low carbing and high fatting it again.  I have decided that I am not going to eat candy and chips (did I forget to mention the Doritos that I was having with more and more frequency?) and I am not going to grab cookies at the bank (yes, my bank has a cookie jar and there are bowls of candy on every flat surface accessible to customers).  For the past week or so, I am doing what I know is right and eating protein, fat and some veggies, no fruit save a few berries now and then, and drinking only water, tea and homemade lemonade sweetened with a little liquid Stevia.  I am not measuring my food.  I am eating what appears to be a reasonable amount.  After all the measuring all these years, I guess I should have a handle on what that means without having to get out the dusty digital scale!

If I never decrease my weight from here on out, I am resolving to be content with that.  In clothes, I look pretty good, and no one sees my secret love handles but me and my husband, and he’s not complaining.  I have dropped a couple of pounds in the past week or so, and that’s nice.

I have spent the last several days shoring myself up with reading great nutrition articles on the internet and catching up with all my favorite low carb bloggers that I have ignored for nine months and finding a few new ones, too.  I am rereading “The Art and Science of Low Carbohydrate Living” by Volek and Phinney (two of my faves, who chose me to be a success story in “The New Atkins For A New You”, for which I will always be grateful), which was a gift from Karen Norris, my ol’ Atkins pal.

I will post again when I feel like I want to write something down in font, or when I find a great bit of information that I don’t want to lose track of.

Onward and Downward, as I always say, but even Onward and Straight Ahead can be a good thing!

(By the way, I have gotten back into quilting as a business, so if you want to visit my other blog on that subject and see photographs of my quilts, you can click here.

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THE MEATRIX DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS

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