Out With The Old In With The New

I am forcing myself to write this post because I havent written much at all lately. I dont feel like writing right now, I have no inspiration and my muse is gone. Who knows where she went!

I feel strange starting a new year. Apathetic almost. Scared even. Scared to start over.

Every year since 1999 Barry has been there. And while he wasnt always there on New Years Eve with me, sometimes working, most of the last 10 years we have been together on this day. And even if he wasnt there in person, he was still "there", still in my life.

Starting a new year without my husband is hard. I feel like I am leaving him behind. Like I explained a friend of mine, Barry wont be there in 2010 and any year after that. 2009 was his last year, and I just dont know how I feel leaving him behind. There will never be another year where I can say "oh, remember in such and such year, we did this?"

All I have now are the memories, memories of the last 11 years that I have known him. The first IM I get from him saying "whats ska music", the time he proposed to me on the internet, the time we met in person and he proposed for real, when we got married, the time we spent in Germany, the birth of all of our children, buying our first home, selling our first home, moving to a new city more than a few times, going on vacation as a family this year, celebrating our 10th anniversary early. All I have are memories of our time together.

Now we start 2010 and start NEW. New memories, new experiences, new things, new places.

Despite all the fear that I have about starting a new year, I think 2010 will be a good year for us. I have plans for the kids and I that include, in no particular order:

• Losing a lot more weight for myself. Getting a gym membership tomorrow or monday.
• Buying a house and getting out of our rental
• A trip to Disneyland sometime in 2010
• Start my book at the very least, not quite sure where my focus is going to be on it, but I do want to start writing.

What are your plans for 2010? Are you planning on anything exciting?

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2 Week HCG Challenge Day 7 Freaking Out!

I have to say that weigh in this morning proved to be overwhelming. In a good way, though.

When I weighed in last week for the beginning of this two week challenge, I was 192.4 pounds. This morning I weighed in at 186.6 pounds. :) In the last 7 days Ive lost 5.8 pounds! Im extremely pleased with those results. Especially considering that Im nearing the end of my round and weight loss tends to slow down at that point.

Now, it wasnt the fact that I averaged nearly 1 pound losses per day in the last week that overwhelmed me.... What overwhelmed me was the number on the scale. 186.6. I am exactly 1 pound away from having lost 100 pounds on the HCG Diet.....

Ohhh boy. Just typing it makes me light headed. I have hard time wrapping my head around the fact that Ive lost an entire supermodel of weight!

And I know that Im supposed to wait another seven days before I weigh again, but I have to say, I dont think I can do it. Im going to have to check tomorrow to see if I made it. :)

I hope all of you did well through the week! :) This is the last week of our challenge and I know we can all make it through.

Heres my Daily Diary for yesterday:

1 Granny Smith apple
1 Wasa cracker
3 oz chicken
1/2 c. Cherry tomatoes
1 egg
1/2 c. Cherry tomatoes
1 Wasa cracker
9 strawberries.
3 L. Water
1 multivitamin, 2 lemonade detox capsules

Exercise: None. Im a slacker.

Accomplishment:
I was able to do really well cutting down my salt intake. I had a bit of hot sauce and whatever salt was in the crackers, but thats all. :)
Area of Improvement: I only ate 1 egg for dinner instead of two... but I accidentally dropped one done the garbage disposal while I was rinsing it off. Haha... yup.

Please post your Daily Diary below.What results did you see after simplifying your diet for a week?

I will be working my plans for Phase 3 and Ill post those very soon! I honestly think that once this challenge is done, Im going into Phase 3. After I finish Phase 3, Im not sure that Ill do another round.... I think I like where my body is and I want to take care of the rest in the gym. Something to think about, I suppose. Its weird thinking that I might be closing this chapter of my journey soon.

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Cleaning Out the Closet

This weekend I tackled a project Ive been dreading... cleaning out my closet. As much as I would have liked to procrastinate the chore, I move in less than a week. I was pretty sure I had some clothes that I needed to purge.

Turns out I was right.

The thought of cleaning my closet wasnt the most pleasant one, but once I got started I realized the task was incredibly motivating for me.

I started by going through my jeans. When I began my HCG journey I was a size 24, Im now at a loose 16. I tried on my favorite pair of size 24 jeans and was relieved to see how baggy they were on me. I tried on pair after pair, and when I was done I had this stack of jeans:

These are the jeans that are too big.... If you compare the stack above to the stack of jeans below (the ones that actually fit), youll see theres a big difference in quantity:

If I put a price tag on all the jeans that are too big for me, it would be close to $500, and its quite likely that they are just going to get donated. Normally Id be upset about that, but knowing that I didnt grow out of them by gaining weight is so much more valuable to me than $500. Im donating them because Im on to skinnier things!

I continued cleaning out my closet, trying on dresses, skirts, tops and sweaters. With each item I tried on, I felt a little more confident in myself. I tried on a dress I wore to a high school dance and found that it was too big! I tried on a jacket I got from dance team in junior high and found that it fit. I tried on a sweater that was tight last winter and its now down to my knees! 

By the end of it, I had more clothes in donation bags than I did in my closet. Part of me was sad that my wardrobe is so diminished, but overall I was so proud of myself. :) If nothing else, this means I have room for new clothes! 

Every step of this journey has been challenging, but I wouldnt go back to where I was for anything. Ive worked so hard to get to where I am and my empty closet is evidence of my accomplishment. 

Its almost refreshing knowing that these clothes will be out of my reach, it just means I cant go back. I dont have "fat pants" to use as a crutch if I gain back any weight. This is my commitment to my new body. 

When was the last time you tried on clothes in your closet?  Was it motivating or discouraging? 

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Working out on the HCG Diet

So I started this round of my HCG journey wanting to exercise during Phase 2. The first day on the VLCD I got in a great workout and felt great afterward! The next day I lost weight. I figured this was good news since I have been cautioned against working out on the diet. Ive read and been told that burning too many calories in a workout can make you gain weight. Feeling a little sore, I thought I was in the clear. Then yesterday I stepped on the scale and was up 2.4 pounds! I was mortified. Ive never had a gain like that on Phase 2 without cheating. I definitely felt discouraged yesterday. Then I got to thinking... something isnt right. There is no way that I gained that weight... theres no way that I burned that many calories. All I did was cardio and some toning.

So I did some research. I found out that when you do a workout that leaves your muscles sore, chances are your body is retaining fluid in your muscles to help repair the small tears incurred during the workout. According to a dailyspark.com, when you do an unfamiliar workout you can gain up to 3-4 pounds a few days after the workout. Reading this made me relieved, and it also made me a little hesitant to work out again.

I will probably just stick to walking for now and slowly bring in a few light toning exercises. I think doing squats, lunges, calf raises, and plied calf raises all at once was just a little too much.

This morning I stepped on the scale feeling less sore, and was down 2.2 pounds from the day before. :) Well see what happens tomorrow.

Today I am drinking lemon in water which acts as a diuretic. Im hoping this will help me flush out some of the extra fluid in my system.

If you want to learn more about temporary gains after your workout, check out the article I read on dailyspark.com.

What did you do for workouts oh Phase 2 of the HCG Diet? Do you do any weight training or toning? Leave your experiences below!

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The Death Diet and Laying It All Out On The Line

Have you all heard about The Death Diet?

I like to coin my extreme weight loss after Barry died "The Death Diet".  I lost about 11 pounds the week he was in the hospital, and then 50lbs total by mid January I think, and Ive lost almost 80 total.  Its not that case for every widow and widower, some of them gain weight.  For me, I couldnt eat.  Everything tasted like sand to me.  I did eat still, but not what I did before.  I lost all taste for anything sweet...but now, that craving has come back.  I know that is normal after losing a spouse, your taste buds come back, you usually gain some of that weight back etc etc.

I have gained a bit back.  Not too much, just in the last few months actually having a man around haha, maybe 5lbs or so.  Its enough though that I can see it in my face and I dont like it one bit.  I feel pretty good where I am right now, I am in between two sizes, which is 5-6 sizes smaller than I was when Barry died.  I was really heavy.  And I mean REALLY heavy for much too long, so it was a bit hard for me to see this whole new body that Barry couldnt enjoy.  And now another man gets to enjoy it, but thats ok...Im not bothered by that part anymore.

I want to lose more weight.  Id like to lose another 75lbs.  Truthfully, I have no idea what I weigh.  I have a general idea, but Im not sure how accurate that scale was.  Back in December I had a nurse come to my house to do a medical exam for my life insurance, and when she weighed me, I was horrified. But then, she also travels around with her scale, and who knows how accurate it is if its getting moved around all the time. I guess my Wii was wrong all along...ooops.  That being said, I embraced the new weight, and then forgot about it.  What I really judge myself by is how my clothes fit.  Where I am right now, I want to lose another 2-3 jean sizes.  For me, that is between 50 and 75lbs, so right at my goal.


I started the Fat Smash Diet again today.  I hate this diet, but I love it at the same time.  When A was just a baby, a few months old, I did it and managed to lose a good 22lbs in 6 weeks.  I want to do that again.  Theres nothing wrong with it, just the first nine days are pretty extreme because you are detoxing your body from all the sugar.

Id like to do an update every week on it, or every couple days...Ill see how I am feeling.  But to start with, today for breakfast I had a large banana, and then I made a homemade blueberry smoothie.  The smoothie was made with a 6oz container of Yoplait Light Blueberry Yogurt, a cup of milk, 4 large strawberries, a couple heaping tablespoons of ground flax seed and a liberal dosage of frozen blueberries I had from last summer.  It was good, but not my favorite.  Usually I do my smoothies with pineapple juice just for a little sweetener, and this had nothing.  Not too bad though.

My first short term goal is...well, I dont really know to be honest.  Ill just be happy if I am down 1 jean size by August when I go to Camp Widow.  Two would be ideal, but Id be happy with 1. How about.my goal is I am down 1 size by my 31st birthday in July? I think I can do that, if not sooner.

Wish me luck!

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I failed but started fresh

I should never have started a diet without James being here... I failed miserably this weekend.  The good thing is, he and I both started the fat smash diet together, this morning.  I think that I will be able to do a lot better with him here because I have someone to motivate me, and watch if I try to cheat lol.  Ive set a new goal (honestly, I cant remember what my goal was from my last post, and Im really too lazy to go reference it right now) and I want to be down two jean sizes by mid August when I go to Camp Widow.

Ive been assured that I can easily do that as I have just under 3.5 months till I leave.  Im hoping I can get in shape enough to do the 5K Widow Dash there too, but well see.  The best I can do is try, right? I dont even know how much weight that would be to lose, 30lbs maybe? Possibly.  I really dont care about the weight at all, I just want to lose sizes and feel good about myself.

I really dislike dieting.  It plain old sucks.  I miss food.  The funny thing is, we get a lot of food on this diet, but its missing the good stuff.  The meat, the hearty food.  I cant have any of that for the next 9 days.  So May 10th is when we can have meat again.  Im already counting down the days.

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Being Sad

It hits you at the oddest times.

Ive found that in the last few months, even when I think Im doing ok, that Im really not. Its not even being sad about Barry, but perhaps something else is really eating at me, and I dont know it.

Those are the times when I just want to curl into a ball and cry, and yell and scream about how unfair life is.

And then though I may not realize it, Barrys death is still affecting me, and affects my moods. Like last night I was having an OK day up until last night, and then something really started to bother me a lot. I just tried to push it away as best as I could, but by the time I finally crashed and went to bed, I was emotionally exhausted and landed up crying myself to sleep.

I was talking to him when I went to bed last night, and I was ANGRY. So Angry at him for leaving. I was asking him WHY did he have to leave, and if he was back my life would be so much easier. I would give up everything to have him back.

This Evanescence song reminds me so much of Barry. I feel him here with me, but at times I wish he would just leave me alone so I could move on. I want him here, but his presence lingers on and on and on. I cant turn a corner in this house without a reminder of him. And its HARD, so HARD that I cant do anything in this house without seeing him or having a reminder of him.


"My Immortal"

Im so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it wont leave me alone

These wounds wont seem to heal
This pain is just too real
Theres just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried Id wipe away all of your tears
When youd scream Id fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now Im bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds wont seem to heal
This pain is just too real
Theres just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

Ive tried so hard to tell myself that youre gone
But though youre still with me
Ive been alone all along

[Chorus]

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