Dear Barry and A Year Of Memories

I guess April was just too much of a crazy month for me, because I forgot a couple A year of Memories posts. The day in question was April 8th, 1999, but I wont be writing about it after all because it wasnt a very good memory for Barry and I. After the years had passed, we always laughed about it, but Id still rather not write about it. And with that....

Dearest Barry,

Today was May 1st. You know what that means!!!

We missed you so much this weekend. Friday night the kids and I had cake, like we always do on April 30th ;-), and a special dinner. Maybe not super special this year, but the kids wanted pizza, so I picked up our favorite frozen DiGiornos, and a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting (because that has always been your favorite) for dessert. Before we ate, I dug out the black candles and lit the big black pillar for you, and placed it in the middle of the table. As we ate, I had all of us go around and say a special memory we had of you. Mine was how you laughed like a little girl, and the kids also mentioned how you stank up the bathroom, snored all the time and farted a lot. Leave it to our kids to remember that stuff, lol. We all had a good laugh at that. A refused to talk, as always. I also read to the kids a bit about the history of this weekend!

This morning we woke up to a breakfast of orange breakfast rolls with icing, and chocolate milk. It was fabulous! We got ready, and then headed out to North West Trek. Do you remember how you and I were planning on going for Es birthday in October? You really wanted to go see the Cats! :) The kids and I had been talking about what to do for this weekend for months, and it was their idea to go to NWT because we knew you had wanted to. So we did that today, and celebrated the day just as we would had you been there! It was our tribute to you, darling, because you couldnt be there in person.

We spent all day there, and I got so many pictures. I am quite positive you knew we were going, because ALL the animals were out, and I got so many pictures. I took over 450 pictures today! So many of the cats too. Oh, they were gorgeous Barry, you would have loved them! We spent a long time at the Cougar enclosure :)

Our plan was to eat at KFC for dinner, but the kids wanted Subway! On our way home, we picked it up and ate at home, ending our special day. I will be continuing this tradition with the kids for as long as is possible...forever I think, and we will always be doing something fun, as because of you, this tradition started.

Tonight after dinner, I made this stupid mistake of reading your twitter page. I resembled a raccoon by the time I was done, as I was sobbing uncontrollably. I MISS YOU. Oh how I miss you darling. It was so neat to see your tweets though, to see your witty self coming through those words on the screen, but it only made me feel worse. I dont think Ill be reading it for awhile again though. What really made me cry though, was reading your tweets when you were sick, saying you had a killer immune system etc etc. And then your very last one, saying you were in the hospital with pneumonia, ending it with an FML. You didnt know, did you? sigh. I wish we could turn back the clock and pause forever in August and early September. If only we could, right?

Well my dear, Doctor Who is on and I have to go. You know how that is ;-) I love you and adore you, and miss you so much. Ill see you in my dreams, I hope.

Love forever and always,

Me

xoxoxoxp

p.s. As I was reading your tweets, I found the one you wrote to me last summer about Hades licking the blinds strings in the old house. And guess what? He does it here too! LOL I had to laugh the other day when I saw him doing that. Crazy cat!!

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Every year from April 30th-May 1st, we have a family day. If May 1st even falls on a school day, the kids are taken out of school. It doesnt matter, that is the protocol for our family. That is how important this day is to us. Every year we do something fun, and last year we went to Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle. Last year too, we were behind schedule, same as today! haha Guess that has also become tradition :)

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MY FIRST ARTICLE AT CARBSMART COM

Well, Ive been keeping a little secret from my readers.  I didnt want to say anything, in case nothing came of it, but when I met Andrew DiMino at the Low Carb Meet & Greet this summer, he asked me if I would be interested in writing for his online magazine, CarbSmart.com.  I thought about it for a few days, wrote an article and emailed Andrew, saying, "The answer is yes and here is an article for you to consider."  And guess what!  He liked it!  It went through a little editing with Dana Carpender and was published very late last night.

I am so tickled to be joining the ranks of Andrew DiMino, Dana Carpender, Amy Dungan, Jimmy Moore and others, in writing articles about the low carb movement and my personal journey in weight loss and improving health.

This is my article to the left, entitled "The Carbiest Generation." Here is a short excerpt:

When future generations look back upon today’s generation, what will they see?  What will set us apart in the timeline of human history?  What contributions have we made to humanity that will define us in a word or a phrase?  Some people in the Low Carb Movement think we will be known as “The First Modern Generation Where the Children Had a Shorter Life Span than Their Parents,” but that’s a little wordy.  I feel a better name would be “The Carbiest Generation,” because, when it comes down to a pretty important aspect of our humanity – our overall health and very existence — this encompasses all that has gone wrong.  Blame it on the food guidelines that have been handed down to us by the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) and promoted by our government starting in 1977.  That’s when George McGovern took it upon himself to change the way America eats by vilifying saturated fat and cholesterol and glorifying carbohydrates.  In case you don’t remember what happened back then, or were not even born yet, this short video by Tom Naughton summarizes the dubious wisdom and eventual adoption of the tenets of The McGovern Report.  (Read the full article here.)

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A Life Lost

I was trying to think of what to write today, as I havent been writing too much lately, and today at my Grief Works group, I got the inspiration.

Weve begun the task in our group of taking turns sharing. Each week, 4 of our group share about the person they lost. Today one of the ladies shared about her husband who passed away about a month before Barry. They had been married for 51 years. 51 years.

As she was sharing her story, I couldnt help but start crying. In fact, most of us cried while everyone else was sharing. Next week is my turn, so I need to prepare some stuff and get pictures/mementos ready as well.

Why did I start crying? Because the life that I was supposed to have is lost. A Life, Lost.

I grieve not only for Barry, but for the life that I was supposed to have. I was so lucky to have 11 years of him in my life, to love him for that long, but how I long for forever.

I dont deserve this life that I have now. How is it fair that the life I was supposed to have has been ripped from my clutches and tossed aside? The dreams that we had as a couple, for our family and our future and ourselves, have been LOST. They will never come to fruition. I will never get that 51 year anniversary with the love of my life.

Barry and I had our challenges in our marriage, as every couple does. We had the ups and downs emotionally, financially etc etc, but through it all, we still loved each other. We always stuck by each other, no matter what the difficulty we were faced with. We had the perfect marriage. We complimented each other so well, we were best friends, and we loved each other with our whole being.

Im angry that Ive lost my life. Everything that I planned on, is gone, is lost. What am I supposed to do now? I feel lost myself! I dont know what to do with my self. The only plans I have right now are to buy a home, and to go back to work or school once A is in school full time in 3 years. But what about after that?

How do I pick up the pieces and move forward?

There was no thought in my mind that Barry wouldnt get better. His death was not a possibility in my mind. I figured that we would get through this as best as we could, we would pick up the pieces and manage, and life would move on despite this little hiccup. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that when I brought him to the hospital on the night of October 5th that he would NEVER come home. Well wait, he DID come home. He came home in a wooden box, cradled in my arms, on October 15th. And now he sits on my dresser in my bedroom, watching over me as I sleep every night.

I wonder if I had the chance to prepare for this new life, if it would have made things easier? if Barry had cancer or some other terminal disease, would I have been able to contemplate this new life I would have? I dont know what I would prefer: Him being sick for a very long time and knowing the inevitable, or what I was given with him dying unexpectedly. I dont know, I just dont know. Its almost like the analogy about love. Is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all?

There will never be the travelling that we dreamed of together. Well never get to enjoy our grandchildren together. He will miss the major milestones like A starting kindergarten, learning how to ride a bike, read, tie her shoes. Hell miss the 13th birthdays. The 18th Birthdays. Hell miss the kids going off to college, graduating, getting married, them having babies, and us becoming grandparents. Hell miss it all. This life, it is LOST.

I dont know how to pick up the pieces. I dont know how to move forward with this new life when all I have known is OUR life. Now I have MY life.

I am grieving a life, lost.

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My 3 Favorite Healthy Websites

Im always looking for pointers on healthy living. I have a collection of recipes, exercises, and motivational experiences saved away for when I finish my HCG Diet journey. Once I get to my goal weight, I will embark on a new journey of maintaining long term. I am not going back to my sedentary, indulgent lifestyle. Luckily this task becomes easier thanks to some of my favorite healthy websites!

Here are 3 brief introductions to websites you NEED to follow.

www.fitsugar.com

Not a day goes by that I dont pin something from fitsugars website. They never fail to deliver a recipe, workout routine, or inspirational idea that motivates me to push through the hard days of this weight loss process. I love that they have a whole section devoted to calorie breakdowns. Here they explore the calories in certain foods compared to others. Its very informative and has helped me avoid some caloric mistakes. Check out this article about Egg Whites v. Whole Eggs.

 www.greatist.com

I love how simple Greatist.com is. It is so easy to find what youre looking for. They have 3 health related categories: health, happiness, and fitness. Each category has great information, and if you dont find what you are looking for you can always use their A-Z directory. I almost couldnt believe it when I found this article with 246 affordable healthy recipes. Not only is their content motivational, but it is useful!


www.self.com

Self.com always has amazing articles. I love that they keep things simple and give me visuals. They have a food & diet section and a fitness section that I frequent. I loved their article about Sticking to Your Diet on Date Night. They also have a calorie counter that is easy to use, and I actually prefer theirs over the one on the MyFitnessPal app.

If you dont have these amazing diet resources bookmarked, I strongly suggest it! They are essential to anyone looking for support on their diet journey.

What are your favorite healthy websites?

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CARBSMART ANDREW DIMINO WELCOME TO MY BLOGROLL

I got to meet so many great people at the Low Carb Meet & Greet this past weekend, and one of them was Andrew DiMino.  Quoting from his website, "Andrew DiMino is the Publisher, President, & Founder of CarbSmart.com. He has been a low carber since 1998. He is currently contemplating which he loves more; his Vespa scooter or a plate of bacon."  Personally, I know something else he loves - olives!  He and I double-handedly made a pretty good sized dent in a beautiful bowl of assorted olives at the home of Dana Carpender.  If it had gotten down to the last one, Im afraid there would have been a tussle!

I have just started reading over at CarbSmart, and I can see that there is a wealth of information and inspiration there.  A recent article by Andrew was titled, Why You Should Always Bring Your Own Low Carb Foods to a Conference or Special Event.  And boy, dont I know it!  I have gone to many business conferences, and the fare is always wheat, sugar and more wheat.  I have always tried to pick out what little bits I could of what was offered that I actually felt good about eating, but its not easy.  From now on, I think Ill follow Andrews advice and bring my own food.

Welcome to my blogroll, Andrew!  Im eagerly awaiting your next article!

To find my blogroll, look right and scroll down.

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In Honor Of My Husband

I just wanted to post this link really quick, and then I will be back to write later about this song and its meaning to Barry and his life..



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The lyrics to this song are

O Fortune
like the moon you are changeable
ever waxing and waning
hateful life
First oppresses and then soothes as fancy takes it;
poverty, power
it melts them like ice.
Fate- monstrous and empty
you whirling wheel, you are malevolent.
Well being is in vain and always fades to nothing
shadowed and veiled you plague me too;
now through the game I bring my bare back to your villainy.
Fate is against me in health and virtue,
driven on and weighed down always enslaved.
So at this hour without delay pluck the vibrating strings;
Since Fate strikes down the strong man; everyone weep with me!

Thank you to the anonymous reader that gave me the link to this on YouTube! I have looked at it before, but just the other day found it again and really listened/read the lyrics. It is so ironic that these words speak of him so well, how fate really did strike down the strong man. It just screams Barry! And how fitting since this was one of his favorite songs.

Throughout the years of our marriage we got the chance to talk about death a lot. He mentioned often how he always wanted this song played when they "carried him out", and in this case, he was carried out in his urn. We played the music so loud in Hope Chapel when he was taken out, he was taken out in a blaze of glory. I did it for him, I did what he wanted, and it made me so happy to do that.

I think it is so interesting how music can literally etch certain memories into your mind. Even the first few notes of a song just bring you back in time to that EXACT moment. I have one song that Barry loved, and I found to play at his service that was just perfect. It was an Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt song about love, obviously, and I had it played as I walked up to the podium to speak about him at his service. When I hear the music start I can think only of myself, walking up the aisle to the podium, my "speech" clenched in my hand, and just crying and smiling at the same time. Knowing I was about to say goodbye to my husband, and tell everyone what a wonderful man he was.

Another thing that is etched into my mind is the time 11:11AM. My eyes always seem to glance at the clock at that time. Not every day, but quite often lately it has been happening. 11:11 is the time that he died. The time the Dr stopped the CPR and called the time of death. The time my life was forever and completely changed.

Barry, today is a sad day and I have been crying off and on most of the morning. I miss you so much sexy man! I wish I could be happy. Sometimes I feel like I am getting happy again, and then I just feel destitute the next moment. Im so lonely! I really really miss you honey. And I love you so much.

Ill always love you less than three.

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Dealing with My Emotional Eating

I never thought that the end of my fourth round on the HCG Diet would actually be the beginning to such an emotional journey. It felt wonderful shedding the weight and watching my body transform day by day; I am incredibly grateful for the situations and people who motivated me to stick to such a difficult diet to allow that transformation to occur.

Pound by pound I uncovered a physical body that I thought was long gone. And while everyone around me was celebrating this accomplishment I was hiding something. The more weight I lost the more emotionally unstable I felt. In fact, it was almost like the more weight I lost the more insecurities I gained.

 Sometimes I feel an incredible amount of pressure to lose weight. Sometimes I dont deal with that pressure in healthy ways. At times I let it build to the point where I break down and eat foods that are extremely unhealthy. The feeling I get before I binge does not come from self love, I feel anxious and nothing like myself. Binging always seems like the answer at the time, but afterwards I feel ugly, guilty, and ashamed. Its hard to bounce back from a bad day when youre enveloped in those feelings.

When I finished my fourth round of HCG I started to feel more and more out of control. I was obsessing about food, my body and the scale. At times I would weigh myself up to six times per day. I felt like I was slipping lower and lower into behaviors that were hurting my healthy more than helping it.

The whole point of losing weight was to regain control over my body. For so long I felt like a prisoner to food, I started losing weight to set myself free. 100 pounds lighter, I was still letting food control me, just in a different way. I didnt feel free at all. I felt scared. I realized that if I didnt do something to fix my problem with emotional eating, I was heading for an eating disorder.

I think most people assume, like I did, that theyll do a diet and lose weight and theyll be happy. Maybe for some that works, but most of us gained weight as a result of emotional eating. Take the weight away we may be skinnier, but were still dealing with the same emotions that led us in to the arms of good ol Ben and Jerry in the first place.The emotional wounds that drove me to 285 pounds still exist now that Im 185 pounds. A diet wont fix those. I have to fix them. If I dont fix them they will continue to control me.


Realizing this was overwhelming. I decided to get help. And for the first time in a very long time, I feel happier and more in control of my body.

HCG did wonders for me physically, but no diet can heal the emotional damage being overweight caused. That healing comes from within.

Im working through my issues with emotional eating. I know Im not the only woman who struggles with binge eating and if you take one thing from this blog its this: youre not a failure, youre not perfect and youre not alone. You dont need to be perfect; strive for health, not perfection. With health comes physical, mental and emotional wellness. When youre losing weight youre taking care of your physical wellness, but you wont be completely happy until youre taking care of not only your physical wellness but your mental and emotional as well.

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Out With The Old In With The New

I am forcing myself to write this post because I havent written much at all lately. I dont feel like writing right now, I have no inspiration and my muse is gone. Who knows where she went!

I feel strange starting a new year. Apathetic almost. Scared even. Scared to start over.

Every year since 1999 Barry has been there. And while he wasnt always there on New Years Eve with me, sometimes working, most of the last 10 years we have been together on this day. And even if he wasnt there in person, he was still "there", still in my life.

Starting a new year without my husband is hard. I feel like I am leaving him behind. Like I explained a friend of mine, Barry wont be there in 2010 and any year after that. 2009 was his last year, and I just dont know how I feel leaving him behind. There will never be another year where I can say "oh, remember in such and such year, we did this?"

All I have now are the memories, memories of the last 11 years that I have known him. The first IM I get from him saying "whats ska music", the time he proposed to me on the internet, the time we met in person and he proposed for real, when we got married, the time we spent in Germany, the birth of all of our children, buying our first home, selling our first home, moving to a new city more than a few times, going on vacation as a family this year, celebrating our 10th anniversary early. All I have are memories of our time together.

Now we start 2010 and start NEW. New memories, new experiences, new things, new places.

Despite all the fear that I have about starting a new year, I think 2010 will be a good year for us. I have plans for the kids and I that include, in no particular order:

• Losing a lot more weight for myself. Getting a gym membership tomorrow or monday.
• Buying a house and getting out of our rental
• A trip to Disneyland sometime in 2010
• Start my book at the very least, not quite sure where my focus is going to be on it, but I do want to start writing.

What are your plans for 2010? Are you planning on anything exciting?

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Meet My New Best Friend

I was able to get this baby on sale for only 101.91 plus tax!

How you ask me?

Well, Amazon had them on sale for $239.99, and then there is a rebate of $30. PLUS, when I cleaned out Barrys truck, I found a crap load of change. And I mean a lot. I took it to Coinstar where you can get free coin counting if you pick certain gift cards, and I picked an amazon one. With the change from his truck, I was able to get $108.08!!!! I also picked up a matching hand mixer in the same color for only $20. (not a KitchenAid, but the same red none the less).

I havent used it yet, but I plan on it soon. Ive been lusting after one of these for 10 years actually, and finally purchased one. I havent had a new mixer in almost 5 years, so I am so excited to use this one.

Ill let you all know how it treats me!! I need to think up a good name for it. Any ideas?

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Reality Is A Cruel Bitch

Dont you agree?

This morning I heard the familiar sounds of air brakes, and my heart started beating faster with excitement, pitter patter pitter patter.. I knew it wasnt Barry, but I couldnt help myself, and went outside to look and see what it was. Just a truck at the neighbors house. Though my mind knew, my heart was still slightly crushed.

Unfortunately, the dog also heard it. Braddock loves Barry, and is used to him being gone. As soon as he heard them, he started whining and crying. You never really think of the pets in this sort of situation, but he knows. Braddock has known that sound for a very long time, since early 2004. Air brakes by the house means Daddy is home.

But now hes not.

I still havent full accepted Barrys death. Why? I dont know. I just dont know how to fully comprehend it. Wrapping my mind around it is such a foreign concept to me and I still dont understand. And Im not sure when I will. My mind does know, but my heart does not. I think that had Barry had a job where he was home all the time, this would be an easier transition. His job was a blessing, and a curse in disguise. So yes, were used to him being gone which helps with day to day life, but again, were also used to him being gone, so it doesnt seem real.

As I am typing this, the dog heard the truck outside start up again, and he is barking like mad. He thinks Barry is home. He is conditioned, like Pavlovs theory of Classical Conditioning.

On a bit of a happier note, I decided that this year the kids and I would adopt two children from the Salvation Army Angel Tree. You can pick an angel in your area, and either have the items shipped to the Salvation Army in their name, or drop it off at a local location. Ill be dropping them off at a local Salvation Army center.

I just felt really called to do this. Everyone has been so good to us, that I just wanted to make someone elses Christmas a little brighter. I have wanted to do this in the past, but we could never spare the money. This year I decided I would make sure I did. Please consider doing so if you can spare some, even $50 to go buy an outfit and some toys. I assure you it would really really help some parents give their children a Christmas that they cant otherwise afford.

I did have another, completely different, idea for todays post, but that will have to wait. I just felt it was more important to talk about what the dog was going through.

Pets grieve too.

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CALORIEGATE COM WELCOME TO MY BLOGROLL

My old blogger friend, Adam Kosloff, started a new blog last year called Caloriegate, and I poured through the whole thing in the past few days.  Its all about a topic near and dear to my heart, which is calories and the "calories in calories out" theory.  As usual, Adam has done a great job of making the science accessible to non-scientists, like myself, and the whole thing makes a lot of sense.  I agree with what he imparts, and I would read his blog even if it didnt, because I love the illustrations!  If you want to start reading his blog, I suggest you start at the beginning and work your way up to the present.  Click here to jump over to Caloriegate.com.

I already have Adams other website - Why Low Carb Diets Work - in my list of favorite websites, found in the right hand column here.  I highly recommend that one, too.

Welcome to my blogroll, Adam, and I look forward to reading new posts as you write them!  To find the blogs I follow, look right and scroll down.

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Today

I cant think of a good heading for today, so Today it shall be.

Yesterday I went through Barrys clothes, and decided what to keep and what to get rid of. Id say were keeping a large majority of his stuff, but he didnt have a lot of stuff anyway. Most of the clothes are going to goodwill except a few select things were keeping for memories. Ill be looking for a big tote today so that I can store it all in.

With everything thats been going on, Ive failed to realize that Christmas is right around the corner. Oops! I have hardly any decorations up, but I am done with my shopping. Ok, not done, but I just have to get some stocking stuffers, and a gift for my step dad. Today I plan to get a few things, but Ive also got to focus on the rest of my decluttering, and goodwill donations. Company is coming from out of town...duh duh duh duh....in two weeks, so I really really have to get on the ball with that.

How is everyone else doing with their christmas prep? I havent even started any baking! Thats another thing I need to do, get my Christmas baking list done and do the shopping for that too.

Im feeling just a little overwhelmed.

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12 Years Ago

Twelve years ago today, a very nervous, and much skinnier Joanna, waited in front of The Empress hotel in Victoria, BC, for a young man she had known for 9 months and never seen a picture of.

Twelve years ago, Barry and I met in person for the very first time after talking for nine months via phone, email, and yahoo messenger.  I fell in love with him before I even met him, and vice versa.   I knew that even if he was a total toad, I couldnt ever say no to him, I wanted to marry him that bad.

Twelve years ago today, at 6PM, Barry proposed to me.  He proposed the day we met in person.  And we were married three months later.

I cant believe it has been 12 years since August 28th, 1999.  It seems like a lifetime ago.  Ive always wanted to go back to the place where we were engaged, but havent been able to do so.  Partly due to the fact that its in Canada, and a pain in the ass to get to Victoria with four kids, but also...because Im a little scared.  I will go back one day, but I dont know when yet.

I have a picture of Barry and I from the day we got engaged, and I wish I had a way to scan it for you all.  My scanner is acting up and I cant figure out how to work it.

I still cant believe it has been 12 years ago that we met and got engaged.  I miss him so much.  I wish I could hear him tell me how proud he is of me right now, how much he loves me, how awesome I am doing.  But all I can do is hear him in my head.  At least I have that right?  I can hear him talking to him...and while I cant hear his voice very well right now, I know exactly what hed be saying to me.

I love you Barry.

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MY LOW FAT DIET REALLY WORKS!

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Boost Results on HCG with Lemonade Diet Powder

Im going to let you in on one of my best kept secrets for success on the HCG Diet. Its like a cali kicker, except it tastes better and you can use it at any point during phase 2. Its the perfect remedy for the day after a cheat, a stall, water retention due to menstruation, and hunger. Yup. I wasnt kidding when I said its one of my best kept secret. So what is this magical secret? Its actually not magic, its Lemonade Diet powder. 

So heres a little back story. Lemonade Diet is a versatile supplement that can be used as a stand alone diet (for which youd follow a protocol), or it can be used as a supplement to support whatever diet youre on, which how I use the Lemonade Diet. It was formulated based on the concept of the Master Cleanse so it contains all of the health benefits of lemon juice and cayenne pepper, but it adds in raspberry ketones, chickweed, kelp, burdock root and papaya extracts to give you an array of health benefits in an easy to make, natural, lemonade. 

What are the benefits?

I visited LemonadeDiet.com and did some research, and according to the site these are the two main benefits for HCG users who want to get the most out of their HCG Diet:

Detoxes - The ingredients in Lemonade Diet powder are fomulated to help your body release toxins that have stored up over time. It also helps promote digestive health which was a big perk for me as an HCG Dieter. 

Boosts Metabolism - Not only does metabolism increase after doing a cleanse, but the raspberry ketones in Lemonade Diet powder give you the extra kick you need to continue seeing great results even after a stall.

So how does it work with the HCG Diet? 

You can drink it daily to supplement the HCG diet. Basically would just make the drink as recommended on the label and continue taking your HCG drops and following the protocol.

-or-

If you dont want to drink it every day, you can drink it during stalls, the day after a cheat, or during your menstrual cycle. 

What about the taste?

Ive tried some pretty gross stuff to try and get over stalls. Ive done a Cali Kicker and even shots of apple cider vinegar, and while they worked, they were hard to stomach. Lemonade Diet tastes amazing. And not only did it taste amazing, it works. Lemonade Diet is my go to now. Never again will I spend time making a Cali Kicker or plug my nose to take down a shot of apple cider vinegar.

Where do you get it? 
You can learn more about Lemonade Diet powder and purchase it by clicking here or the image below.

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THE FOOD MY FOOD EATS

Until today, the picture above is what my food (specifically, my beef) eats.

But now, I am happy to say that this picture is what my new food eats!

Today, I made good on my threat to buy a quarter of a grass fed, grass finished local cow!  I would buy grass fed beef now and then from the farmers market or Whole foods, but the prices were pretty high, and I usually settled for the CAFO beef that I would find at the local grocery stores.  Ive been spending time every other weekend in the Quad Cities area, and I heard that the beef there was less expensive than it is around Chicagoland.  The farm that I was looking at around here was around $9.67 per pound (cut and packaged weight).  The beef I bought today was only $7.87 per pound, so I saved $141.00 by combining my cow-buying with my sister-visiting!

Around a month ago, I toured Sawyer Beef with owner Neal Sawyer.  The farm is located in Princeton, Iowa, which is 30 miles away from my sisters house.  Neal was kind enough to drive me around his acreage in his pickup truck, looking for the herd. 

I really wished I had taken the opportunity to ditch my flip flops in favor of my shoes and socks, for when we found the herd, we had to wade through knee-high and higher grassy fields to see the cows close up.  Neal walked ahead and pointed out cow pies so that I could avoid them, something I was keen to do, whether in flip flops or shoes and socks!  It was wonderful to get out into the middle of nowhere, in nature at its purest, "hunting for my dinner!

We found the heard, which was vastly bigger than it looks here, and Neal pointed out the different breeds of cow.  I took at few pictures and we walked back to the truck as Neal told me the story of his family and how they got into raising cows.  

They started with standard corn fed cows, and then branched out into grass fed as demand began to grow.  They still offer corn fed cows, as some of their customers prefer the taste of cows fed this way.

I bought a couple of steaks and a roast to sample, and left Neal with the promise that I would be back soon to buy a quarter grass fed cow, left the beautiful countryside and headed back to suburbia and home.

After meeting Neal today at the barn where he keeps his many, many deep freezes, I handed over my cow money in exchange for around 80 pounds of beef in boxes.  

And this is what my $619 bought in yummy, heart-healthy, saturated fattiness, which is now happily awaiting consumption in my upright freezer:

36 pounds of Ground Beef

1 Arm Roast

1 Rump Roast

2 Chuck Roasts

1 Sirloin Tip Roast

5 Ribeye Steaks

1 Flank Steak

5 New York Strip Steaks

2 Filet Mignons

3 Top Sirloin Steaks

1 Brisket

5.34 pounds of Stew Meat

7.15 pounds of Soup Bones

Neal tells me that this should last my husband and me around a year.  Well see!  In the meantime, I see that there is enough room left in my freezer for some pastured pork and chicken.  I need to start browsing the interwebs!

By the way, if anyone who lives near me is interested in purchasing some beef from Sawyer Beef, I will be returning to that area every two weeks or so and I would be glad to pick some up for you!

Visit the Sawyer Beef website and Facebook Page.

To read more about the benefits of grass fed beef, click here.

RELATED POST:  The Meatrix - Do You Want to Know What It Is?

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What is MY Purpose

Ive been a Stay At Home Mom for 9 years now! 9 long years!!!

The last paying job I had was working for AAFES, and I quit because we were due to come back to the States since Barry was discharged from the ARMY. So, I was a stay at home mom from the time I was 7 months pregnant with the twins till present time.

These last 9 years I have been a Wife and all that entails, Mommy, Homemaker, Housekeeper, Nurse, Doctor, Hairdresser, Lawn Mower, Garbage taker-outer, Christmas present wrapper, everything.

I am now everything but the Wife.

And I feel lost, confused, bored...everything.

Our plan was for me to get a job once the baby started 1st grade, which is in 3 years. But honestly, I dont know that I can wait that long. I might have to though, but I refuse to put the kid in daycare just to get a job. Its a conundrum.

I dont know what to do with myself. Im so bored. I dont think there has been one day since the family left that we havent gone out and done something. Either were running errands, going to the mall, going to the library, going to friends houses, or going on field trips with my Meet UP group. The thing is, this IS my life, this HAS been my life for the last 9 years, so why am I suddenly disenchanted with it?

I feel like I am a contradiction. How can I be a stay at home mom if I dont have a husband? Well, I do have a husband, but hes been stuffed into a nice wooden box on my entertainment center, and a plastic bag filled with extras that I requested for us to go to Build A Bear. If that sounds callous, you should know I just have to joke sometimes; Barry called it gallows humor. I never understood it until he died.

Anyway, I just dont see what my purpose is right now. I can still be a stay at home mom, I dont have to work if I dont want to, but I am bored and uninspired. Ive thought about looking into some sort of schooling, but I dont want to do that till the baby is in school either. I cant take time away from the kids right now because they need me. I have tons of crafts to catch up on, I have a brand new sewing machine sitting on my hope chest that I havent opened yet and Ive had for 3 weeks. I could always sew, but right now I just dont feel like it. Maybe in a week or two. Ive got two years of scrap booking to catch up on too. I am however, going to get my YMCA membership back, I think working out again in the mornings will really help me out, and waste some time as well. Ive been feeling the need to let the elliptical trainer kick my ass again.

What suggestions can you readers give me on how to occupy myself other than crafting and sewing? Do you think I should get a job, or should I be here for the kids? And what the heck am I going to do next year once the baby starts Pre-K? Ill be bored out of my mind.

Its almost like I need another man to take care of*....


*maybe one day*

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The Little Things

At random times, I find little pieces of Barry around me.

There is no rhyme or reason to when they pop up, sometimes there are a lot, and sometimes there arent many at all.

Its when I notice my eyes glance to the clock, and it is always at 11:11 AM, the time he died. This happens quite often actually, and its quite painful for me.

Its walking through Target and finding the double pack of deodorant I would always buy for him. Degree. I kept the last stick he was using, I have it tucked away in his toiletry bag.

Its seeing a 12 pack of Pepsi Throwback, that he loved so very much. When he was alive, it was only out in the 20oz glass bottles, which we found at Safeway.

Its hearing a song, which isnt even meant to be sad, but has words like "How am I supposed to move on when Im still in love with you?", or another song that has words like "Im still alive but Im barely breathing...when a heart breaks no it dont break even....Im falling to pieces...what am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?". When I hear words like this, like yesterday, I sob to myself while I am driving home from errands. Words like this make me sad.

Its watching "Inglourious Basterds" for the first time since August, when we saw it in the theater on our last date. I watched it the other night, and I got through it ok, but I couldnt help but think of Barry the whole time and the time we spent in the theater watching it. He wanted us to sit at the very back, and there was the A/C fan above me and I was FREEZING. Seeing "The Jew Hunter" and knowing how much Barry loved him. Remembering that night we went to Cold Stone creamery and had ice cream together after the movie.

Its not being able to watch "Religulous" with Bill Mahr, because that was the movie we saw when he was home for Es birthday in October 2008. I had it at home for two months with Netflix and I was meaning to watch it, but I just couldnt, so I sent it back.

Its cleaning out the van and finding some bottles of his that were hidden under the seat, and not knowing they were there. Or going through my junk basket and finding an old can of Copenhagen that was his, and that I have now purposely left in there.

And its having his picture around to look at even when I get sad.

Barry is all around me, sometimes I wish I could escape him, but it seems impossible.

Barry, "how can I move on when Im still in love with you?"

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MY FIRST BLOOD KETONES TEST

Ive had my blood ketones testing monitor for a week now, but I just got the strips last night.  This morning, I tested for the first time and threw in a blood glucose test just for good measure and to get a more complete picture of what is happening in this crazy body of mine!

Getting all the supplies together was a little overwhelming.  So many packets and boxes and instruction sheets!  And what you see here does not even include all the stuff for the glucose monitoring.  You can use this meter for ketones and glucose, but then you have to recalibrate it for the two different tests.  I already have a separate meter for glucose, so I decided to just use the two meters side by side to make the process go faster.

And talk about drama!  I have not pricked my own finger for almost a year, and I got scared at the last moment.  Since the meter was new and had to be set up and calibrated, it took me awhile before I actually did the pricking, and the whole time my anxiety level was going up and up.  What a baby I am!  I finally worked up the nerve and did the test, trying to make one finger prick give me enough blood for both tests.  After doing the ketones test, the little, tiny hole in my finger snapped back shut and I had to prick another finger for the glucose test.  When I test again tomorrow morning, Ill turn the lancet up a little bit to make a better hole so I can get a bigger drop of blood.

So, at long last, I know that I am in ketosis!  According to Phinney and Volek, nutritional ketosis is achieved with a blood ketone level of between 1.0 and 3.0.  This morning, mine was 3.1.  Success!  I really wish I had tested it before I started this new way of eating, so I could see the change as it happened, but I was too impatient to see some results.  I guess I made the right choice, but it still would have been nice to know.

My fasting blood glucose this morning was 81 and my 1.5 hour postprandial (after eating) was 76.  Both excellent numbers!  Especially considering that, when I was testing last summer, my fasting level was an average of 88 and my 1.5 hour postprandial was an average of 95.  At that time, I was eating an average of 102g of fat, 71g of protein and 49g of carbs.  Since then, which has resulted in these new, good numbers, I have almost doubled my fat, decreased my protein by a third and cut my carbs a little more than in half.  And Im losing weight and inches and feeling good.

Ketone Meter and Glucose Meter - Im locked and loaded!

I only bought 20 ketone testing strips (at $2 each), so I will not test every morning.  I will test for the next five days, and, if I am seeing consistent results, Ill back off and only test every three days or so, and then maybe once per week.  Im not going to post my results here every day unless something goes wrong, so if you are following my results here, assume that everything is fine unless I tell you different.  I will post my overall results on Sunday, as usual, along with blood ketones and glucose.

Here is an amusing little side note:  Well, maybe "amusing" is not the right word.  Anyway, I officially entered menopause 11 months ago, at the age of 55 and 3/4.  Day before yesterday, after being in deep nutritional ketosis for about a week, I exited menopause.  And Im heading in the opposite direction!  Sorry if this is too much information, but, at the age of 56 and 3/4, I am all "meno" and no "pause."  I wonder if anyone else doing this has had a similar thing happen, or if this is just my crazy body being crazy once again.

So, in honor of my backwards journey through time, enjoy Joan Baez singing, "Forever Young."



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Angry Bitter Pissed Off Weepy Jealous Infuriated

That title explains some of my emotions over the last week or so.

Ive been so angry lately, just full of raw emotions that my week has been a whirlwind.  I dont know what set me off last weekend, I suppose it was a number of things, but its continued to multiply all week until last night was the breaking point for me.

This is all part of the grief cycle, I know that, but when it hit me so hard, I was completely taken aback by the rush of emotion I felt.

The big issue for me right now is my anger at being a single mom, my bitterness at seeing couples together.  And especially at women who take their husbands for granted.  And for part of last night too, I was very angry at Barry for leaving me.  I really feel like I am hitting the anger stage in my grief cycle.  Im angry at everyone around me for having what I do not. Ive been struggling with all of these this whole past week and I just cant seem to get over it. Today is the first good day Ive had in awhile.  I suppose that is due to the complete break down I had yesterday afternoon.

I was at a local wildlife park with the kids, and we were having a wonderful day together.  We ate out, we had ice cream, we saw bears and cougars, foxes, wolves, moose, bison, elk, owls, etc etc, and just really enjoyed ourselves.  But then I started noticing all these couples together and started to get really sad. I missed Barry so much.  And I was ANGRY.  and JEALOUS.  I will be completely honest and say I abhor seeing couples together.  It makes me want to poke them with hot rusty sticks, or else scratch my eyes out. Yep, thats pretty graphic, but its true.  Im so bitter about my situation, I hate being  a single mom. I hate seeing women take their men for granted because I would gladly take one in a heartbeat.

As soon as we got back in the truck to get home, I started getting weepy.  It didnt stop, it was like a slow leak.  We stopped at Safeway because we had almost no food in the house, shopped for an hour, got home and got the groceries inside.  And then the waterworks started. I just started crying and crying and crying.  Thankfully the kids were outside for that.  I was just a fucking mess. I had tears pouring off my face.  And having no tissue handy at that moment, I resorted to using a dish towel to blow my nose on several times.

I knew I had to have company last night, so I texted Jason. And he was busy.  I called Rebecca, which I felt really guilty about because her husband just got back from Iraq a few days ago, but she didnt answer her phone either (which I can understand).  I called Lani, who answered thankfully and listened to me sob, and then promised to come over and drink with me later.  I managed to calm down a bit enough to feed the kids dinner, but I was still a weepy, tear leaking mess.  As soon as the kids went to bed, the water works started again.  At 10PM I was just sobbing in the kitchen.  again. But then Lani never showed up, and never answered her phone either this morning when I called. So I was depressed, drinking and alone last night when I desperately needed company.  My saving grace was a very dear twitter friend of mine who shall remain nameless, whom I also talk to on bbm (blackberry messenger) a lot. We were able to talk for quite some time over bbm late, last night and I was able to catch my breath, calm down, and even laugh a bit.  I really really needed that, so if you are reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Yesterday I probably cried or leaked tears for almost 7 hours if not more. I also cried a lot over the last week and a half. I think Ive cried buckets worth. By the time I was done, my head was pounding, I had drank a bit (which I know did not help), and my face was red. I also cried off about three coats of waterproof mascara.  Yes, three coats.  Thats a hell of a lot of crying you know.   And today I feel much better. I needed that release.  The only way Ive been able to keep that from happening is to block everything out of my mind.  To forget, and just go about my daily life.  I think that it is time to stop that though, because when I block things out, the dam will burst like it did.  It is the only way I know how to function though most of the time.

Im still sad, Im still bitter and angry, jealous and infuriated.  But this whole week has made me realize that I am ready to go see a counselor.  I was not ready before, but I am now.  I am ready to talk to someone.  Im glad about that because we are almost at the one  year mark....wow really? One year.  That amazes me.

PS...today the older girls are at a birthday party.  Last year this same day they were at the same girls birthday party.  Barry was home.  The weather was the same as today, cloudy and a little cool.  After he and I dropped the girls off at their friends house, we took M and A to Burger King for lunch.  Thats all I remember about this day last year.  He had two more days at home with us then, before he went back to work.  That was one of his last times at home.  I miss him so much.

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