Tampilkan postingan dengan label new. Tampilkan semua postingan
Tampilkan postingan dengan label new. Tampilkan semua postingan

Kamis, 14 April 2016

I would LOVE to have you all follow me over to my new blog.  I dont want to lose all of you awesome followers!

Its up and running now, but this blog will be active till October 10th 2011.

Go ahead and email me with your name on here (the one you use as a follower, so I can cross reference), and I will email you back the link to the new blog so you can follow me there and subscribe as well.

Thank you all so much!! 
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Kamis, 07 April 2016

Ive been pondering the direction I want to take with this blog for quite some time. My blog posts have been sporadic over the past couple months and I just dont know what to write all the time.

I went through this not that long ago, I think it was in December, that I decided no more grief blogging. But what do you know, all of my posts after that were about grief. I just wasnt ready yet. But now I am just....lost? I love writing, and I love writing about Barry, but I cant think of what else to write! It does get tiring all the time writing about how I am doing. I am tired of it, personally. I want to take this blog in a new direction somewhat, but I havent quite decided what that will be.

The kids and I are starting a new chapter of our lives next week. On April 2nd, we move into the house that I just bought for us. It will be just short of 6 months ago too, just 8 days short of the six month anniversary. We are craving, well I am craving, new beginnings, a fresh start. I need it. I cant live in this house anymore. Its not painful to live here really, but I am tired of it, and I just need to move on. I will miss it, because it is the last house we ever lived in with Barry, but I dont think I can fully heal if I am living in a house surrounded by constant reminders of our 10 years together. Everything in this house, save for Christmas/birthday gifts, we bought and paid for, so it all reminds me of him. He put everything together, he put the towel racks up, he did it all. And I need new. I crave new. And almost everything in the new house is new, including our brand new never-been-lived-in just built house.

I am sure that I will continue to blog about the grief process, thats almost a given. In fact, I do have a post planned for April 10th. I think that will be the most difficult post I have yet to write, for in that post, I will be giving the nitty gritty details. A story of death. Yes, I am going to tell you all how Barry died and exactly what happened on October 10th, 2009. Its almost a conclusion of sorts for me, to end this grief blogging.

I want to start cooking again, I want to try recipes. I want to do crafts. I want to further my photography skills. I want to LIVE. I want to be able to post this stuff on my blog. I want to become even more, the woman that I know I can be, and that Barry knew I would be. I knew 2010 would be my year, and I intend to make it so.

Keep an eye out for blog posts, Ill still be around. And I will still be doing my A Year Of Memories posts. Thank you all for being such supportive readers, it means so much to me.
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Rabu, 06 April 2016

I just wanted to post this link really quick, and then I will be back to write later about this song and its meaning to Barry and his life..



********

The lyrics to this song are

O Fortune
like the moon you are changeable
ever waxing and waning
hateful life
First oppresses and then soothes as fancy takes it;
poverty, power
it melts them like ice.
Fate- monstrous and empty
you whirling wheel, you are malevolent.
Well being is in vain and always fades to nothing
shadowed and veiled you plague me too;
now through the game I bring my bare back to your villainy.
Fate is against me in health and virtue,
driven on and weighed down always enslaved.
So at this hour without delay pluck the vibrating strings;
Since Fate strikes down the strong man; everyone weep with me!

Thank you to the anonymous reader that gave me the link to this on YouTube! I have looked at it before, but just the other day found it again and really listened/read the lyrics. It is so ironic that these words speak of him so well, how fate really did strike down the strong man. It just screams Barry! And how fitting since this was one of his favorite songs.

Throughout the years of our marriage we got the chance to talk about death a lot. He mentioned often how he always wanted this song played when they "carried him out", and in this case, he was carried out in his urn. We played the music so loud in Hope Chapel when he was taken out, he was taken out in a blaze of glory. I did it for him, I did what he wanted, and it made me so happy to do that.

I think it is so interesting how music can literally etch certain memories into your mind. Even the first few notes of a song just bring you back in time to that EXACT moment. I have one song that Barry loved, and I found to play at his service that was just perfect. It was an Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt song about love, obviously, and I had it played as I walked up to the podium to speak about him at his service. When I hear the music start I can think only of myself, walking up the aisle to the podium, my "speech" clenched in my hand, and just crying and smiling at the same time. Knowing I was about to say goodbye to my husband, and tell everyone what a wonderful man he was.

Another thing that is etched into my mind is the time 11:11AM. My eyes always seem to glance at the clock at that time. Not every day, but quite often lately it has been happening. 11:11 is the time that he died. The time the Dr stopped the CPR and called the time of death. The time my life was forever and completely changed.

Barry, today is a sad day and I have been crying off and on most of the morning. I miss you so much sexy man! I wish I could be happy. Sometimes I feel like I am getting happy again, and then I just feel destitute the next moment. Im so lonely! I really really miss you honey. And I love you so much.

Ill always love you less than three.
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Selasa, 05 April 2016

Its the wee hours of the morning and I am laying here in my bed, typing on my laptop, as sleep will not overcome me. again.

Ive been having this problem for awhile now. It comes and goes really, and was really very bad just a few short months ago when I was still in shock from losing Barry. And now its resurfacing: being tired, but restless, and unable to settle down and sleep. My mind going a million miles a minute, while my eyes burn from lack of shut-eye.

I took a Valerian root capsule and I am hoping that helps. At least I can be happy that I am laying in bed, and it was just shortly after midnight when I started typing this, rather than last night when I wasnt in bed till well after 2AM.

Today was my first full day of being an official homeowner!! Monday afternoon I got the call from my Realtor about 3:34 PM saying that the title had FINALLY recorded at County, and that the house was mine. HOORAY!! After the kids got home from school, my mom and I and the kids went over to the house to bring some stuff over. It was the first time I had been in the house without my Realtor, and it felt so surreal. I almost didnt feel right about it, because for the past month, I have only been in the house with him. And Ill be honest, I am going to miss him! He has done so much for me the past couple months weve been working together, and weve seen each other often. But I will be seeing him again, because he is going to be helping me with changing the garage door code, an getting me the mailbox key etc etc. Essentially, he is my "Barry" right now. He is doing a lot of the guy stuff for me that I havent delegated to my friend Jason, or my girlfriends husbands.

As I walked into the house yesterday afternoon, I made sure to put something very special on the fireplace mantle. It was the first official item that was placed in the house after it was in my name. And that item was the American flag that I was presented at Barrys funeral. It now sits ensconced in a cherry and glass triangular case, upon my mantle. I had actually thought about bringing Barrys Urn to put on top of there, but I decided against it because I didnt want to leave him in the house by himself! And yes, I laughed about that.

So now begins yet another chapter in our lives: A new house, new memories, new friends.

New Beginnings.


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Minggu, 03 April 2016

I am forcing myself to write this post because I havent written much at all lately. I dont feel like writing right now, I have no inspiration and my muse is gone. Who knows where she went!

I feel strange starting a new year. Apathetic almost. Scared even. Scared to start over.

Every year since 1999 Barry has been there. And while he wasnt always there on New Years Eve with me, sometimes working, most of the last 10 years we have been together on this day. And even if he wasnt there in person, he was still "there", still in my life.

Starting a new year without my husband is hard. I feel like I am leaving him behind. Like I explained a friend of mine, Barry wont be there in 2010 and any year after that. 2009 was his last year, and I just dont know how I feel leaving him behind. There will never be another year where I can say "oh, remember in such and such year, we did this?"

All I have now are the memories, memories of the last 11 years that I have known him. The first IM I get from him saying "whats ska music", the time he proposed to me on the internet, the time we met in person and he proposed for real, when we got married, the time we spent in Germany, the birth of all of our children, buying our first home, selling our first home, moving to a new city more than a few times, going on vacation as a family this year, celebrating our 10th anniversary early. All I have are memories of our time together.

Now we start 2010 and start NEW. New memories, new experiences, new things, new places.

Despite all the fear that I have about starting a new year, I think 2010 will be a good year for us. I have plans for the kids and I that include, in no particular order:

  • Losing a lot more weight for myself. Getting a gym membership tomorrow or monday.
  • Buying a house and getting out of our rental
  • A trip to Disneyland sometime in 2010
  • Start my book at the very least, not quite sure where my focus is going to be on it, but I do want to start writing.

What are your plans for 2010? Are you planning on anything exciting?
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Sabtu, 02 April 2016



I was able to get this baby on sale for only 101.91 plus tax!

How you ask me?

Well, Amazon had them on sale for $239.99, and then there is a rebate of $30. PLUS, when I cleaned out Barrys truck, I found a crap load of change. And I mean a lot. I took it to Coinstar where you can get free coin counting if you pick certain gift cards, and I picked an amazon one. With the change from his truck, I was able to get $108.08!!!! I also picked up a matching hand mixer in the same color for only $20. (not a KitchenAid, but the same red none the less).

I havent used it yet, but I plan on it soon. Ive been lusting after one of these for 10 years actually, and finally purchased one. I havent had a new mixer in almost 5 years, so I am so excited to use this one.

Ill let you all know how it treats me!! I need to think up a good name for it. Any ideas?
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Sabtu, 26 Maret 2016

This is a pre-written post, as while you are reading this I am probably cursing at the movers for going so slow, and lamenting the fact that they are dirtying my floors in both old and new houses. I intended this to be a "Goodbye and Hello" post, but after re-reading it, I find it a stronger post without the hello. Ill do the "Hello" from the new house, that will be my first post from there.

Today is moving day!

Goodbye house that weve lived in for 2 years and 1 month
Goodbye toilet in my bathroom that doesnt flush well but always made Barrys legs numb
Goodbye path in the yard that the dog wore into the grass from running back and forth
Goodbye to all my white trash neighbors, I shall not miss you. not one bit.
Goodbye pot holes in the shared driveway from aforementioned neighbors
Goodbye crappy black side by side fridge
Goodbye tiny sinks that I cant wash dishes in
Goodbye jacuzzi tub that Barry loved so much
Goodbye nice big porch
Goodbye thin walls that we can hear everything through
Goodbye easy way to the Edwards house, now we shall have to drive
Goodbye couches that we bought 6.5 years ago and have been well loved.
Goodbye shitty plastic blinds that break and bend so easily
Goodbye soft spot on the laundry room floor by the back door
Goodbye holes in the yard that Braddock dug
Goodbye ugly green carpet
Goodbye flat, non glossy paint in the kitchen that stained so easily

Goodbye bed, you I shall miss...you were the baby making bed, you held us close every night, you have been with us since Germany...10 years now. I shall see you in my new garage ;-) Perhaps one day you will grace one of the kids bedrooms when they are married, and give them the love that you gave Barry and I for almost 10 years of marriage.

Goodbye house that we have lived in for two years and 1 month, that was our last home as a family of 6.

Goodbye to low utility bills, I will miss the well water as now I have to pay for city water.
Goodbye Barrys spot on the couch, where he would take over the coffee table with his school stuff.
Goodbye toilet that made Barrys legs numb, I will never sit upon you again.
Goodbye TV/entertainment center/sound system that was so complicated to put together, but Barry did it anyway. Youve been replaced, but have served us well for almost 7 years.
Goodbye to the house that was so calm when I came inside for the first time as a widow. I know Barry was waiting for me inside, he had just passed a couple hours before that.
Goodbye Barrys sink in the bathroom where he always shaved his head at. I will miss seeing those black hairs all over the sink.
Goodbye Barrys spot at the kitchen table by the window. Ive taken over that now as the head of the family.
Goodbye living room that had a tall ceiling to hold our 7.5ft Xmas tree.

Goodbye house. We will miss you a lot. We will miss seeing all the spots in the house that remind us of Barry, but now it is time for us to say hello to new things. We can still drive by and see you anytime we want, as were right down the road. Try not to miss us too much, soon you will be filled with a new family ready to make as many memories as we did, surrounded by your walls.

We will miss you house.


p.s...I know I said some goodbyes more than once. Some were intended to be more of a "good riddance" goodbye, and others were taking a more sad side to saying goodbye. It was my intention to mention them more than once.

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Sabtu, 19 Maret 2016

I intended to start this year off good, and I have done that already! Im sorry for my recent absence, the Christmas season was incredibly busy for us and full of family, and lots of fun.

Christmas turned out quite well, albeit very busy for us.  We left here early Christmas eve and got to my dads house shortly before noon, so it really only took me a few hours driving.  That day was insane! We were at my dads for a few hours, then went to my moms house for Christmas eve with my mom, step dad, brother, sister, step brother, and myself and all the kids.  Then much to my surprise, two old family friends showed up that I hadnt seen since 99 probably!!  They were best friends with my brother and sister, and I used to babysit them, plus we were all neighbors years ago.  It was a great day, and we had a ton of fun.

Christmas day was fun, but with normal family drama, and a turkey that just took forever and a day to cook.  My oldest Uncle was there, and I hadnt seen him since July of 97, so that was just a real treat to spend time with him again.  The kids took to him like glue, and we got a lot of great family photos with him and my dad, step mom and all of us kids plus my kids.  It was a really long day though, and we were exhausted by the time it was over.

Boxing day (the day after Christmas for you non-Canadians), my brother, sister and I went to my Omas house for lunch, and spent the morning with her.  She made us a pot of delicious homemade pea soup, which we all just loved.  Then it was time for my brother and I to bring my sister home, so we did so, but then got caught at the border for an hour, and didnt get home till 6PM that day.  It was just go-go-go the whole time, but we had a great time, and it was nice to reconnect with family again.  We hadnt seen my brother in a year either, because he lives so far away, so he stayed to visit with us for a couple days too.  So really, we were non-stop from Christmas eve till the 28th, a busy 5 days it was.

And then yesterday was New Years Eve!!  I remember last year I was dreading New Years Eve, it was a horrible day for me.  I didnt want to leave Barry behind in 2009, so passing into 2010 was quite hard for me.  But I really think I did OK this past year, I had a lot of ups and downs, my life completely turned around and went in so many directions I never ever imagined possible.



I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and a wonderful new years!!
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Minggu, 13 Maret 2016

Not really a new one, but I am using Barrys cell phone.  It has sat practically unused since his death, gathering dust in my nightstand drawer.  

Since my blackberry was about to die, and I kept getting error messages, I knew I had to get a new phone, or else switch.  I really didnt feel like spending the $100 on a new blackberry when the one I had in my drawer was next to new.  We got these phones in August of 2009, and Barry used it for only 6 weeks before he died.  I had it on for the month of October, and then I had it deactivated.

I wanted to keep his phone the way it was, but really, what good is it doing just sitting there? It is practically brand new, has barely been used, and I needed a new phone.  So yesterday I made the switch, and put all my stuff on his phone and re-activated it.  It felt kind of strange though, I completely wiped everything of his off the phone and made it my own.

Is that wrong of me? I felt a little guilty doing it, like I should have saved it as is for posteritys sake.  As I was talking to the Verizon agent on the phone as she walked me through everything, I told her he would say to me "just use it already, its going to waste".  So I did.  And saved myself $100 in the process.  Plus, my contract with Verizon hasnt been renewed and I can cancel anytime I want.  Not that I will, because I am quite happy with them, but its nice knowing that I can if I want.

I know its only a cell phone, but it took me a  year and a half to do this.  What does it mean for me? That I am one step closer to healing? Kind of silly if you think about it I guess.

Its just a damn phone, and I needed one.
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I thought that leading up to the 10th, I would re-post my blogs from two years ago.  So without further ado, here is todays post from two years ago.  The day he was admitted to the hospital.

Please Keep Us In Your Thoughts

It is painful to read these.  I am having such a hard time right now, even more so than I did last year.  Ive been crying at the drop of a hat, been very emotional.  Barrys death feels to me like it was just yesterday, and the pain is fresh.  The 2nd anniversary really is worse than the 1st.  I thought that wasnt true for me, thought I would escape it, but I was wrong.

It feels like it just happened yesterday.  The only difference is that I know how to cope with the grief now.  And I just let it wash over me.  I let those tears spill out of my eyes, let the sobs wrack my shoulders, and deal with the grief headache that ensues.

I miss him so much.
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Senin, 07 Maret 2016

I always loved sharing funny things that the kids did with Barry.  It always gave us a laugh to see what crazy crap they would come up with.

Our oldest daughter V, who will be 10 on the 8th of February, has really been spouting some winners lately.  This past week she had spelling homework to do, and decided to be lazy and make up all of her definitions.  This is what she did:


Obviously we ALL had a laugh, and I even posted it on facebook because it was so funny.

And then today, James and I were in As room putting some stuff up on her walls and it was Vs job to vacuum her shared room with her sister E.  V says "James, James, the vacuum is broken.  It wont turn on, we need a new vacuum.  I keep pressing the button but it wont turn on!!".  He went in and checked on her and had to pull me into my bedroom barely able to contain his laughter as he told me what she was doing.

She hadnt plugged it in.

Thats V for you though, she is SUCH a blonde! Barry and I would always laugh about the stupid stuff she would do.  I wish I could share this stuff with him though, because I can see him in my head reacting the way he always did. Laughing and sighing at the same time.  He would have gotten a kick out of it.
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Minggu, 28 Februari 2016

Ive always been interested in photography from a young age.  When I was 12, my parents bought me my first camera for Christmas, which I had for years.  Ive had various cameras since then, and a few years ago finally got a good digital camera.  That was my Canon SD1000 Power Shot.

I had bugged Barry for years because I always wanted a DSLR, but he would never let me spend the money on one.  It irritated me to no avail, so the first thing I bought when he died was a Canon Rebel XS DSLR camera, which I absolutely loved.  I felt like such a rebel when I did that.  I had that camera until this past February, when I was at Best Buy with my dad, and traded in that one for the newest Canon EOS 60D.  My dad paid me for my Rebel, and I used that to help pay for this camera.

Since Ive had the DSLRs, Ive fooled around with photography, and have taken some really amazing photos.  I had a friend over a few weeks ago, and snapped this photo of her 6 month old son.

Ive gotten some really great feedback on the photo, and was just nominated for Photo of The Week on JPGMag.com.  Even if I dont get photo of the week, I feel such a sense of accomplishment.  I am proud of myself for taking such a great photo.  I absolutely LOVE it!

If you dont mind, take a peek at the photo and vote if you can :) Id really appreciate it, even if you have to become a member, I would be really happy if you could.

Thanks so much everyone!!
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Sabtu, 13 Februari 2016

I really wanted to write a huge long post tonight, but as I am not in the mood to write a lot, it will be done sometime this weekend.

Tomorrow I have kids going to friends houses, so well be in and out all day as well, plus its happening again on Sunday, and we have a goodbye party to go to. So we have a busy weekend again.

Im going to be writing about Fate, I know what I have and want to say, just dont have the time to put it down into words until Saturday or Sunday night. And yes, the Advent calendar post is coming soon.

Be on the lookout for a new post this weekend!
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Jumat, 05 Februari 2016

I finally dreamed about Barry last night, which seemed to be the first time in forever.  Ive never really dreamed of him, just bits and pieces.  It has never been a full length movie-like dream.

In my dream my life was just like it is now.  I was either sitting at my desk reading the news online, or reading a newspaper, and I saw a title that shocked and intrigued me, so I read further.  It said "Man found hiding out in Shelton".  Immediately my eyes were drawn to the article, and it turns out it was Barry.  Who was supposed to be dead.  I dont remember much after that, but in my dream I did see him again.  I remember feeling numb.  I wasnt happy, or sad, or anything really.  I do remember telling him he couldnt sleep in my bed anymore.

And then my alarm went off.

What a bizarre dream!!  Honestly, I dont even know what to make of that because it was so strange.  Why would I dream that?

I do think though, that I am glad I havent had those really intense dreams where you remember everything about it in the morning.  Having one of those would be too painful for me, because I would get to see him, and talk to him, and touch him in my dreams.  And then upon waking up, it would be like a dagger stuck in my heart, because Id wake up to the cruel reality that he is no longer here.  I really do prefer not dreaming about him.
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Kamis, 04 Februari 2016

It hits you at the oddest times.

Ive found that in the last few months, even when I think Im doing ok, that Im really not. Its not even being sad about Barry, but perhaps something else is really eating at me, and I dont know it.

Those are the times when I just want to curl into a ball and cry, and yell and scream about how unfair life is.

And then though I may not realize it, Barrys death is still affecting me, and affects my moods. Like last night I was having an OK day up until last night, and then something really started to bother me a lot. I just tried to push it away as best as I could, but by the time I finally crashed and went to bed, I was emotionally exhausted and landed up crying myself to sleep.

I was talking to him when I went to bed last night, and I was ANGRY. So Angry at him for leaving. I was asking him WHY did he have to leave, and if he was back my life would be so much easier. I would give up everything to have him back.

This Evanescence song reminds me so much of Barry. I feel him here with me, but at times I wish he would just leave me alone so I could move on. I want him here, but his presence lingers on and on and on. I cant turn a corner in this house without a reminder of him. And its HARD, so HARD that I cant do anything in this house without seeing him or having a reminder of him.


"My Immortal"

Im so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it wont leave me alone

These wounds wont seem to heal
This pain is just too real
Theres just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried Id wipe away all of your tears
When youd scream Id fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now Im bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds wont seem to heal
This pain is just too real
Theres just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

Ive tried so hard to tell myself that youre gone
But though youre still with me
Ive been alone all along

[Chorus]
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