Size Me Up Round 5

Its that time again, Im doing another round of the HCG Diet! Woohoo. I finished my fourth round in March, which means that I havent done the diet in 8 months! Im so nervous. It feels like the first time all over again.

Two months ago, I wasnt planning on doing another round on the HCG Diet. I just wanted to keep running, eating healthy, and maintaining (I have done a pretty good job of maintaining within 5-10 pounds of where I left off in March). While Im not quite at my goal weight, I havent wanted to rush these last 30 pounds. Ive come so far in the last year I wanted to pause the weight loss to enjoy my 100 pound mile mark before hitting the 130 pound mark. And while my heart was set on taking it slow, that has recently changed.

I speak highly of HCG Triumph Drops. Working for this company and using their products has helped me
lose a considerable amount of weight. I blog openly about choosing these drops because they contain the HCG hormone and they arent low-quality, watered down drops. HCG Triumph puts a lot of time into formulating their products. When HCGDiet.com recently added Triumph Hormone Free drops to their website I was interested. Like many in the HCG community, Ive always been skeptic of hormone free drops, but because I have a behind the scenes look at the way HCGDiet.com operates, I know how much thought, time and testing goes into HCG Triumph products. When HCGDiet.com launches a product its because it works well. These drops are hormone free and different than what I am used to, but they are not low-quality or watered down.  I am excited to see what is in them how they work for my body, so even though I wasnt planning on it, I cant contain my excitement. I want to try them! Here we are, Round 5. :)

This round, I am doing it with my boyfriend and a couple of co-workers. We will be using the hormone free drops and Ill do my best to document all the similarities and differences between these drops and the other drops Ive used.

Pre-load weight: 189 lbs
Post-load weight: 194.4 lbs
Goal weight: 175 lbs

Current Pant Size: 14
Current Shirt Size: Womens XL
Current Bra Size: 38D


Today is day one on Phase 2. Its going well so far. I packed my lunch ahead of time and sent a packed lunch with my boyfriend as well (Brandon is getting an extra serving of protein each day so he can workout a bit). Day 1 seems to be going smoothly. I dont feel overly hungry and I dont have a detox headache. Brandon is a little hungry but doesnt seem to be complaining too much. I am documenting what we eat and I am making sure we are keeping to a schedule of eating every 2 hours or so to avoid feeling famished.

My eating schedule today looks something like this:
8:00 a.m. Crio Bru w/ 2 tsp Trulicious
10:30 a.m. Triumph Hormone Free Drops
11:00 a.m. Orange
12:00 p.m. Wasa Bread
1:00 p.m. 3.5 oz chicken, 1 cup broccoli (raw)
2:00 p.m. Triumph Hormone Free Drops
3:00 p.m. Apple
4:00 p.m. 1 cup grape tomatoes
5:00 p.m. Triumph Hormone Free Drops
6:00 p.m. 2 scoops Triumph Slim
Calorie Count: 530

Tomorrow Ill be blogging about the ingredients in Triumph Hormone Free, and Ill look at how they are different from the typical hormone free drops. Be sure to check back!

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In Honor Of My Husband

I just wanted to post this link really quick, and then I will be back to write later about this song and its meaning to Barry and his life..



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The lyrics to this song are

O Fortune
like the moon you are changeable
ever waxing and waning
hateful life
First oppresses and then soothes as fancy takes it;
poverty, power
it melts them like ice.
Fate- monstrous and empty
you whirling wheel, you are malevolent.
Well being is in vain and always fades to nothing
shadowed and veiled you plague me too;
now through the game I bring my bare back to your villainy.
Fate is against me in health and virtue,
driven on and weighed down always enslaved.
So at this hour without delay pluck the vibrating strings;
Since Fate strikes down the strong man; everyone weep with me!

Thank you to the anonymous reader that gave me the link to this on YouTube! I have looked at it before, but just the other day found it again and really listened/read the lyrics. It is so ironic that these words speak of him so well, how fate really did strike down the strong man. It just screams Barry! And how fitting since this was one of his favorite songs.

Throughout the years of our marriage we got the chance to talk about death a lot. He mentioned often how he always wanted this song played when they "carried him out", and in this case, he was carried out in his urn. We played the music so loud in Hope Chapel when he was taken out, he was taken out in a blaze of glory. I did it for him, I did what he wanted, and it made me so happy to do that.

I think it is so interesting how music can literally etch certain memories into your mind. Even the first few notes of a song just bring you back in time to that EXACT moment. I have one song that Barry loved, and I found to play at his service that was just perfect. It was an Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt song about love, obviously, and I had it played as I walked up to the podium to speak about him at his service. When I hear the music start I can think only of myself, walking up the aisle to the podium, my "speech" clenched in my hand, and just crying and smiling at the same time. Knowing I was about to say goodbye to my husband, and tell everyone what a wonderful man he was.

Another thing that is etched into my mind is the time 11:11AM. My eyes always seem to glance at the clock at that time. Not every day, but quite often lately it has been happening. 11:11 is the time that he died. The time the Dr stopped the CPR and called the time of death. The time my life was forever and completely changed.

Barry, today is a sad day and I have been crying off and on most of the morning. I miss you so much sexy man! I wish I could be happy. Sometimes I feel like I am getting happy again, and then I just feel destitute the next moment. Im so lonely! I really really miss you honey. And I love you so much.

Ill always love you less than three.

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Guess I Should Post Today

Today was 10 months ago that Barry died.

I dont remember what I was doing 10 months ago exactly.  It was all a blur to me, and remembering what I did to pass that first evening that Barry was dead is to much work.  Im sure my mind has just blocked it out, because I remember certain things like having a glass of wine with my mom and sister the next night, and crying myself to sleep each night, and also waking up at 5AM on October 11th, crying my eyes out in my sleep.

Today I experienced something sad that I wished I could have shared with Barry.  Two and a half years ago, we put our first, and only home we owned together, on the market, because we could no longer afford it.  We landed up selling it a few months later, and moved to the house I just moved out of in April.  We loved that house so much, it broke my heart to have to sell it, but we had no choice but to sell.

On our way to dentist appointments in the same town today, I though we would stop by the old house and take a peek.  I had a friend of mine that had never seen it, so I thought wed show the house and where we used to live.  I havent driven by there in quite some time, so imagine my surprise when we noticed the house was abandoned.  Abandoned.  The yard was filled with three foot high brown grass, debris everywhere.  The backyard was even worse, it being an acre at least, and so much junk filled it.  We looked in the windows, and were greeted to sights of garbage in the house, old nasty furniture, and just general mess.  This house that we loved so much, was foreclosed on by the people that bought it from us.  Apparently, they left their dog there too, and my old neighbors landed up taking her in as their own.

The things that we loved so much about that house were just ruined. My old neighbor Shirley told me they took a gorgeous house (which was when we had it) and turned it into a crappy fixer upper. It broke my heart seeing it like that, because it was a beautiful home when we owned it.  Im sad for that house, and I have half a mind to go buy it, but I wont be.  Its not worth it because weve closed that chapter in our lives, and the memories we have in that house would be too painful to relive.  Christmases, birthdays, taking A home from the hospital to that house, the wood stove that Barry loved so much, our 400sq foot master bedroom, my custom oak cabinets in the kitchen.  I wish I could have told Barry about all this, and I knew he would figuratively "roll over in his grave", if he knew.

I dont have much else to write.  I filled up the day without even realizing it, and didnt even realize it was the 10th until 11:30 this morning.  I cant believe I forgot.


P.S...I did get a new car on July 23d.  I landed up purchasing a Silver 2011 Honda Pilot.  Im absolutely in LOVE with it.  Its fantastic and gorgeous and gets pretty good gas mileage.  I drove it off the lot with 9 miles on it!! I just LOVE it ;)

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New Post Coming Soon

I really wanted to write a huge long post tonight, but as I am not in the mood to write a lot, it will be done sometime this weekend.

Tomorrow I have kids going to friends houses, so well be in and out all day as well, plus its happening again on Sunday, and we have a goodbye party to go to. So we have a busy weekend again.

Im going to be writing about Fate, I know what I have and want to say, just dont have the time to put it down into words until Saturday or Sunday night. And yes, the Advent calendar post is coming soon.

Be on the lookout for a new post this weekend!

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Eleven Years Ago Today

This week has been pretty hard.  Grief is like that though, it comes in waves, and sometimes you get hit by a giant tsunami, and other times just a little wake. Im not quite sure where I am this week, dont know how to classify how Im feeling, but it hasnt been an easy week.

Yesterday for the first time in ages, I was sobbing into Barrys t-shirt, my tears soaking the cotton as I tried to calm down but could not. That was the last t-shirt he ever wore, for those of you who dont know. Ive never washed it, and I dont think I ever will.

Ive also noticed that my attitude has been pretty damn shitty lately. Ive been a bit of a cranky bitch to everyone.  Though that could be due to having my period at the same time, but I know that grief is a big factor in my attitude right now.  I tend to get that way before certain days, and not even realize it till the day is upon us, or has already passed.  Even today I just HAD to be out of the house, had to be gone, had to be busy doing everything and anything.

11 years ago today, Barry and I met for the very first time in person, and it was also the day he proposed to me!  At this point in our relationship, I was living in Edmonton AB, and he was in Wiesbaden Germany, stationed there in the Army.  I was visiting my mom in Abbotsford, BC, and he his mom in Port Angeles, WA.  We both agreed to meet in Victoria BC and spend the day together.

I dont remember what time I arrived in Victoria that morning, but it was pretty early on in the day.  I took the ferry from Vancouver to Victoria, and the greyhound to downtown Victoria from the ferry terminal.  I was so incredibly nervous to finally meet him after talking for 9 months.  And the funny thing is, I had never seen a picture of him.  Never! he did send me one once, but it was lost in the mail.  But I was so in love with this man that I knew even if he was hideous, I would still say yes if he asked me to marry him.

As I sat there on a bench in front of The Empress Hotel, I kept glancing across the Victoria harbor waiting for Barrys ferry to arrive.  I waited, and waited, and waited. And then I saw a young man walking down the road.  And I knew it was him. My heart knew it was him. He crossed the street, walked up the path to the front of the hotel, and as I stood up, shoved his military ID card in my face so I would know it was him.  That was a mere moment, as we then hugged and hugged and hugged. Finally, we met.  We had gone through so much to meet that day, and it was finally happening.

We spent the rest of that day together, sightseeing around Victoria and just spending time together.  Towards the end of the day, we landed up in the Rose Garden in front of the hotel.  We were laying there in the grass, and I was getting impatient because Barry hadnt proposed to me yet.  He had told me before we met that he was going to propose to me, and I had waited all day.  We were basically engaged already, just had to make it official.  So, my spunky self finally asked Barry if he was going to ask me to marry him.  I told him I was tired of waiting! LOL  and shortly after that he asked me to stand up, and he got down on one knee.

Holding my hands in his, Barry told me I made him the happiest man on earth, and he wanted to make me the happiest woman on earth (the only two things I remember that he said haha).  And then he asked me to marry him.  And i said yes.

We parted ways shortly after that, unfortunately, as we only had one day together.  And then we both went back to our lives, he  to Germany, and I to Edmonton.  And then 3.5 months later, on December 29th, 1999, we were married in Wiesbaden, Germany.  The day we were married, was the 15th day we spent together in person.  Yes, you read that correctly, we only spent two weeks together  in person before we were married.

The day we got engaged was one of the best days of my life.  I met the man of my dreams, and got engaged in the very same day!  Not many women can say that can they? I truly was a lucky woman to find such a man like Barry.

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Post 700!!!

Well, I couldnt really think of a better title than that.  I need to celebrate 700 posts on this blog! WooHoo!!

Ive been asked recently when I was going to post again, and my first thought was "I dont know, I dont really feel like writing".  But maybe I need to, I think so at least. Writing helps me deal with my feelings, and it is so beneficial to get those out on "paper".

Im doing a bit better since my last post, but Im still dealing with a lot of those emotions that I mentioned, being frustrated and angry at couples, and bitter at my situation.  It has passed for the most part. I still havent called the counselor.  Not on purpose, but because I have been so pre-occupied right lately.  Youll also notice that on the 10th, I purposely did NOT post.  I did not want to post.  I didnt want to be reminded that Barry had been dead for 11 months.  I find it so hard to believe that it has been that long already.  How different my life is this September, compared to last year when Barry was still healthy at this time.  He got sick shortly after though, I remember him being sick for a couple weeks.  You know what the sad thing is, I was really worried about him.  I was scared for him.  I had a bad feeling, but I couldnt put my finger on it.  I was afraid he would die, and I told him that.  I was very scared, but why was I so worried? It was just the flu, or so we thought.  He assured me that if he thought he was going to die, that he would go to the hospital. And then he came home to go to the hospital.  Unfortunately, my intuition was right.

Enough with the sad crap though, I need to update on our lives here! September 8th the kids all started school.  Because we moved back in April, the kids were starting at a new school.  So it really has been a year of changes for us, new house, new neighborhood, new lives, new school, new friends.  They are adjusting well, and making new friends and love their new school.  We do miss our friends at the old school, but the good thing for us is that we are still in the same area we were before, so all their friends are still close and no further driving distance (we moved down the street).

Yesterday was As first day of pre-k.  She dressed herself, and was so very excited to go to school.  Her first day went great, she is making friends already and the parents are very friendly from what Ive seen so far.  Im very happy with the school I chose.  She will go four days a week in the afternoons from 1-4. It is a nice break for me, I get a little time to myself to re-charge.  She was so proud of herself yesterday morning before we left.  I told her how proud Daddy would be of her, and how big of a hug he would give her. She said to me "how am I supposed to hug him?", and I told her to hug her heart.

We all talk about Barry often, it has started getting easier.  Just the other day at dinner, we were joking and laughing about some of the silly stuff he would do.  Yes, it is still hard to believe he is gone.  Even after almost a year, I still have trouble accepting the fact.  We all miss him so much, and that will never change. But talking about him is getting easier.

My big news is that I started running.  I think I may have mentioned that before, feeling the need to have the adrenaline release.  I just want to feel my feet pounding the pavement.  About a week or so ago, I purchased the C25K app for my iPod touch, which is the Couch To 5K program.  I dont know how far I ran yesterday (my plan is to do it while A is in school) , but it was a 31 minute program.  The app staggers running for a minute and walking for 90 seconds.  I thought I was going to pass out at some times, but I DID IT! I completed the first day without stopping or giving up.  I was hot, sweaty, and exhausted afterwards. I am so proud of me.  I actually did it!!! I will do running day 2 tomorrow, and Im already looking forward to it. Ill have to take two weeks off the program while we are in Florida, but with all the walking well be doing Im sure well be ok.

Speaking of Florida...we leave in LESS THAN THREE WEEKS!!!!! We are so incredibly excited.  The kids are really gearing up for the trip, and Ive started to get us ready.  Ill probably start packing soon too.  Yes, I know it is early, but with 5 people going away for two weeks I need to be prepared. I also need to get the pets stuff ready for the kennel.  I do plan on taking the lap top with me, so I will do my very best to blog while we are there.  I know the one year anniversary will pass while we are there, and I want to write that day, but I will probably do a pre

On October 10th, I am not sure what we will be doing as a family. I think we may get some balloons and each write a special message to Barry on them, and release them.  Does anyone have any other good ideas?

Well, it is time to get my day started.  Ill try to write more often, but the next few weeks are incredibly busy for me...harass me if Im not writing enough.

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13 More Days

If you havent been through an emotional trauma like I have, you probably dont know how your body reacts to it.

After Barry passed, I ate...but I didnt really eat.  I didnt snack, I ate my small meals, I didnt get pleasure out of eating. I lost a LOT of weight in the first couple months, it was literally pouring off of me.  Ive kept up with the weight loss since then, very slowly albeit, but Ive managed to lose about 80lbs since a year ago.

Now that the one year anniversary is a mere 13 days away, it finally hit me this morning that my body is going through the same thing. Food is starting to lose its appeal to me, and I am losing the desire to eat. I get hungry, but nothing is appetizing to me at all. I know I am hungry right now, and I had a yoplait light yogurt for breakfast, but thats all I can stomach. I just dont want to eat.  So I drink water.

                     *disclaimer* yes I still eat, but i only eat because I have to, not because I want to. I dont eat a lot.

For quite some time after Barry died, food had no taste to me.  I ate so much yogurt because it was the only thing I could stomach. Everything tasted like sand.  Food is starting to taste like sand again.

I am very angry right now, and a bucket of tears.  I think I have cried every day since the beginning of the month.  I feel like my life is in a jumble, a snake pit...everything writhing around and you cant tell where something begins and ends.  Plus, add in the chaos of getting ready for our trip, and that just makes a whole big hot mess.

Tonight starts our next grief support group, and I am so looking forward to it.  Despite the fact that it takes up 4 hours of my monday nights twice a month, I love it. I get to be with people that have been what I have been through.  I need this support.

We leave for Florida in a mere eight days. Next Tuesday night we will be getting on a plane and escaping life for two weeks. I can not wait.  I hope that this vacation is a break for us, that I will get somewhat of a chance to recharge (yes, I know I said recharge and I am going to Florida by myself for two weeks with four kids, but it WILL be a good vacation), and get a grasp on my life.  I can sit by the pool and read while the kids play.  I can ride space mountain. I can eat a smoked turkey leg.  I can have a beer in Epcot Germany in remembrance of my darling husband.  I can go to Hogwarts and Hogsmeade village in Universal Orlando and remark to the kids how much their daddy would have loved it, how in his element he would have been. I will put my feet in the Atlantic Ocean, I will go to Nasa and stare in awe. And I will have a good time, I will get a tan, and I will come back wishing I could stay forever.

I need this vacation, I need to get away from my snake pit of a life.  I need to be happy, if just for two weeks.

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Post Weight Loss Adventure Lagoon Style

This time last year, I was nearly 300 pounds. I was incredibly insecure about my body, and as much as I would have denied it at the time, that insecurity was spilling over into every aspect of my life.

I didnt want to go out and do things with friends because I was worried how I would look doing it or how others would think of me. I was so concerned about this that I went about 5 years without going to my favorite Utah amusement park. I was worried that I wouldnt fit in the seats and they wouldnt be able to secure the restraints. I was worried that I would break a ride or be made fun of.

So while all my friends were out enjoying Lagoon, I stayed home. Most of the time I would tell myself I didnt mind staying home. "Im saving money. I dont want to get sunburned. Its too hot to walk around." But inside I was hurting and embarrassed that I was missing out on the thrill of some of my favorite roller coasters.

Fast forward one year, and Im a lot slimmer (by about 100 pounds). When the opportunity presented itself to go to Lagoon with my brother a couple weeks ago, I was so ready to feel as much coaster induced adrenaline as possible.

We rode rides, walked around, and played games. I felt so much better walking around not worrying about what people were thinking about me. And it may sound bad, but it felt nice not being the biggest person boarding a ride. I fit in all the seats, the restraints all closed, and I didnt break any rides. :)

Life after losing weight can be tough sometimes. Its hard not falling back into the habits that led me down the road of morbid obesity, but I have never for once second regretted my decision to lose weight. I have had so many experiences that have reminded me how much fuller my life is now that Im healthier. Going to an amusement park for the first time in 5 years was definitely one of those experiences.

There is a certain exhilaration that comes with riding a roller coaster, and believe it or not it is very similar to the feelings Ive experienced during my weight loss journey. When a roller coaster slowly ticks up a steep track, you are nervous and anxious, waiting for the drop. Thats what the weight loss process felt like. A slow and steady build up to the main thrill: reaching my goal weight.

As the roller coaster reaches the top of the steep track, you know that things are about to get wild and crazy, and even a bit out of control. Thats exactly how maintenance has been. There are times when I feel like situations are out of my control and maintaining seems to be impossible. Its a crazy ride, and its a bit scary. But the overall thrill of maintaining this new body and experiencing all these new things is the best part of the whole process.

Heres to maintaining my weight loss, and to many more summers at Lagoon!

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