Happy Birthday To Me!!!

Im 30 Today!!! An Old Maid if you want to refer to me as that! LOL

I dont want to write too much, as I have a busy day ahead of me.  Im on my way to go buy a Tiara to wear out to dinner and to the bar tonight! I have friends coming to dinner, and my sister, a friend and I are going bar hopping tonight. I plan to enter my 30s in style! And probably throwing up in my kitchen sink later tonight.
Yes, I have a babysitter, and we are taking a cab. I am somewhat responsible.

I wrote a whole big birthday post yesterday, so I really dont want to delve into all those emotions again today.  But what I do want to do is post my birthday song.  This is so incredibly special to me, because it was played last year on my birthday by Barry.  Little did we know it would be the last birthday he celebrated with me. I copied the text I wrote on face book, because I dont even want to have to re-write it.

My Birthday Song courtesy of Barry. Last year we were on our way to BC on my 29th Birthday, and had to stop at the bank to take out some cash on our way there. I was PISSED at him b/c I thought I had forgotten my makeup bag at the house and he wouldnt let me go back to the house to get it (even though we were less than 10 min away). He told me to just buy new makeup when we got to Canada, and of course I was NOT happy b/c I wanted my own stuff.  We got to the bank, and even though he had told me not to dig through the suitcases, I waited for him to go inside, and then tore through them looking for my makeup bag.  I found it, but never told him.  I pretended to be mad still when he got back to the van from being inside.  When we were pulling out of the bank parking lot, he looks at me...puts this song on and starts singing and making fun. I couldnt help but not be mad anymore. That was his way, he always tried to make me laugh.  And now I have this awesome memory of him on my last bday with him

Dearest Barry, thank you for making that birthday so incredibly special, even though you never knew it would be my last birthday with you.  I will always have special memories of that day, and thank you for giving me that lasting gift.  I miss you, and will always love you more than words can express.  Youll always be my Sexy Man ;)

Love forever,

me xoxoxp

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Size Me Up Round 5

Its that time again, Im doing another round of the HCG Diet! Woohoo. I finished my fourth round in March, which means that I havent done the diet in 8 months! Im so nervous. It feels like the first time all over again.

Two months ago, I wasnt planning on doing another round on the HCG Diet. I just wanted to keep running, eating healthy, and maintaining (I have done a pretty good job of maintaining within 5-10 pounds of where I left off in March). While Im not quite at my goal weight, I havent wanted to rush these last 30 pounds. Ive come so far in the last year I wanted to pause the weight loss to enjoy my 100 pound mile mark before hitting the 130 pound mark. And while my heart was set on taking it slow, that has recently changed.

I speak highly of HCG Triumph Drops. Working for this company and using their products has helped me
lose a considerable amount of weight. I blog openly about choosing these drops because they contain the HCG hormone and they arent low-quality, watered down drops. HCG Triumph puts a lot of time into formulating their products. When HCGDiet.com recently added Triumph Hormone Free drops to their website I was interested. Like many in the HCG community, Ive always been skeptic of hormone free drops, but because I have a behind the scenes look at the way HCGDiet.com operates, I know how much thought, time and testing goes into HCG Triumph products. When HCGDiet.com launches a product its because it works well. These drops are hormone free and different than what I am used to, but they are not low-quality or watered down.  I am excited to see what is in them how they work for my body, so even though I wasnt planning on it, I cant contain my excitement. I want to try them! Here we are, Round 5. :)

This round, I am doing it with my boyfriend and a couple of co-workers. We will be using the hormone free drops and Ill do my best to document all the similarities and differences between these drops and the other drops Ive used.

Pre-load weight: 189 lbs
Post-load weight: 194.4 lbs
Goal weight: 175 lbs

Current Pant Size: 14
Current Shirt Size: Womens XL
Current Bra Size: 38D


Today is day one on Phase 2. Its going well so far. I packed my lunch ahead of time and sent a packed lunch with my boyfriend as well (Brandon is getting an extra serving of protein each day so he can workout a bit). Day 1 seems to be going smoothly. I dont feel overly hungry and I dont have a detox headache. Brandon is a little hungry but doesnt seem to be complaining too much. I am documenting what we eat and I am making sure we are keeping to a schedule of eating every 2 hours or so to avoid feeling famished.

My eating schedule today looks something like this:
8:00 a.m. Crio Bru w/ 2 tsp Trulicious
10:30 a.m. Triumph Hormone Free Drops
11:00 a.m. Orange
12:00 p.m. Wasa Bread
1:00 p.m. 3.5 oz chicken, 1 cup broccoli (raw)
2:00 p.m. Triumph Hormone Free Drops
3:00 p.m. Apple
4:00 p.m. 1 cup grape tomatoes
5:00 p.m. Triumph Hormone Free Drops
6:00 p.m. 2 scoops Triumph Slim
Calorie Count: 530

Tomorrow Ill be blogging about the ingredients in Triumph Hormone Free, and Ill look at how they are different from the typical hormone free drops. Be sure to check back!

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10 Things Losing Weight Has Made Me Thankful For

The season of giving thanks has taken me over! I am completely full of thanks for such a wonderful life.

Here are 10 things Im thankful for! Share the images that relate to you. :)

1. My Health
Being overweight was always scary. Now that Ive lost weight, I have a greater appreciation for health. I am so thankful that I dont have to take medications or poke myself with needles. It truly is a blessing.

2. The People Who Make Me Feel Confident

 I am surrounded by friends and family who constantly help me feel my worth by recognizing my hard work. I have had to re-learn what it means to feel confident and I am so thankful for the people who strive to teach me.

3. A Place To Call Home

No matter how hard my day is, how down I feel about myself or how frustrated I am with not reaching a goal, I always have a place to call home. And the more I think about that, the more I realize how insignificant my other problems are compared to other things I could be going through. 

4. My Family

However dysfunctional and frustrating they may be. I love my family. They have supported me through this journey. They have dealt with my crankiness. They have been there to celebrate my triumphs. They are so dear to me. 

5. My Job 

I realize that the job market is tough, and I am so thankful to have a job and not have to be looking during the holiday season. It isnt the easiest job, but it teaches me a lot. It has helped me accomplish a lot of goals, and it pays my bills. 

6. My Car

I am so thankful to have a car that lets me drive up to the mountains to go hiking, drive down to the health food store, and take me anywhere else I need to go. 

7. My Body

Its a work in progress, but I am so thankful for the body that I have. Through improving it, I have learned to respect it. I am so thankful that its working, that its healthy and that its beautiful. 

8. Tomorrows

I am so thankful that no matter what happens, I always know that tomorrow is going to be a fresh start. No matter what the scale says, I can do better tomorrow. 

9. Endorphins

I am so thankful for the feeling that exercise gives me. I am so thankful that endorphins help me feel satisfied, accomplished and happy after I spend time challenging myself physically. 

10. Access to Healthy Food

I am so thankful that I have access to food, and not just food but healthy food. I have so many choices and so many ways to fuel my body. I recognize that having such an abundance of food is truly a blessing. 

What are you thankful for?

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Happy Birthday To me!!

Today I turn 31!

It feels a bit weird, but no different than any other year.  Ive gotten spoiled already by  the kids today,  with a box of my favorite Seattles Best Chocolates, a Joby Gorillapod SLR Zoom, and a Quantaray QSX Ultra 4STM Tripod/monopod.  I also bought myself a new camera backpack, remote and a few minor things.  All photography goodies :) And I couldnt be happier!!

As per usual, here is my birthday song:



Barry played that for me on my last birthday, and I wrote about it last year in remembrance of him. It was really weird to wake up with James this morning, as it is the first birthday with him.  The last birthday I had with anyone was with Barry, so it screwed with my head a bit.

Since we are leaving in just 2.5 days, I wont be posting here before, so look for some pictures and a blog post when we get back.  Now Im off to enjoy the rest of my birthday, and put together my camera backpack that just arrived by UPS.

Please think of us on the 25th, that is the day we are spreading Barrys ashes.

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Size Me Up HCG Round 4

Well, its time to start my fourth, and hopefully last, round of HCG! I am so pleased with my progress thus far. After my last round, I was able to maintain a total loss of over 80 pounds!

The stakes seem a bit higher this time, and thats probably because theres more on the line than my health. Let me explain...

If I lose 35 pounds in the next 38 days, I will receive a $1000 shopping spree! :) I know that I can do this, and I know if I dont hit that goal Ill regret it. So its time to get down to work!

My starting weight this morning was 205 pounds. 170 is the magical $1000 number that Im going to get to. 

As of today, this is me:

Heres a list of my measurements:
Height - 53"
Weight - 205 pounds
Thigh - 24.5"
Hips/Stomach - 44.5"
Waist - 34.5"
Arms - 13"
Bust - 41"

And now to compare.....

When I first started my HCG journey, June 2012, I weight 285.6 pounds. Since then Ive lost 80.6 pounds, and over 50 inches! I went from a size 24 to a 14.

I know Ive come a long way, and I wouldnt have been able to do it without the support of my co-workers, friends, family, and last but not least my readers. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for that.

 Each day is a unique challenge. I remember being so terrified to start the diet. I was worried about failing, I was worried about it being too hard. Turns out, it is hard. But every uneaten scoop of ice cream, every tear, and every pound have been so incredibly rewarding.

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Time To Give Credit Where Its Due

I was pondering this morning, and realized I havent done a thank you post since Thanksgiving I think. A LOT has changed in our lives since then, and I just feel that maybe its time for me to say thank you again to all the important friends I have in my life.

I wanted to do individual thank yous to everyone, and even wrote out paragraphs to everyone, but I found it was just too much to write, and too emotional to do so. So I will make a list, and hopefully theyre all reading this...and if not, they know how I feel. A thousand hugs and thank yous could not express my happiness at having you all in my life. I love all of you!!

*Jason and Lindsay

*Sara

*Rebecca

*Christy

*Johanna

*Mimi, Monica, Connie and all the other ladies from Mops that came and helped me clean and unpack

*All of my awesome twitter friends, especially Rachel who ran the London Marathon, and ran a mile in Barrys memory. That made me cry. And Ian too, who is a fellow widowed single parent, and knows what its like.

In other news, yesterday I took the spawn to a summer camp orientation/interview. Its through the Jamie Moyer foundation, and is called Camp Erin. Its geared specifically towards children that have, or are, experienced a significant loss in their life like that of a parent or sibling. Its a bit of a lengthy application process, and we wont find out for a good month, but I am pretty confident that the three olders will get in. It is just for a weekend in June, two nights only, but they will have so much fun.

Yesterday as I was driving them there, I got a little teary eyed. Thinking to myself, why do I have to do this? Bring my kids to a summer camp for Grieving Kids? WTF? how is that even fair to us? It isnt FAIR. Not one bit. I dont see why my kids have to grow up without their daddy, why they have to go to a summer camp because their daddy is dead.

And then I got a little angry at Barry. Because if he hadnt died, I wouldnt be in this situation. I wouldnt have had to take the kids out of school early to drive 45 minutes to Tacoma so they could have this opportunity. Its all his fault. I know he tried his damnedest to stay a live, I know that b/c I saw the look in his eyes, but he STILL DIED! He LEFT us. He put us in this situation, and I am so mad about it. I cant do anything about my life because he died, and no matter how much I want to go back and change what happened, I cant. Its infuriating, heart breaking, maddening. I hate this. And for the rest of our lives, we are going to have to deal with this heartbreak. Sometimes I just want to yell and scream at him for leaving us, and I have done that already. Maybe I need to do it again. Or get some aggression out again, something like that.

Barry knows Im angry, and I think hes OK with that. I know he didnt want to leave us, and if he were in my situation, Id expect him to be angry too. Anger is a perfectly normal part of grief, and I need people to know that sometimes Im going to fucking hate Barrys guts because of what he did to us. Right now Im angry and sad because I dont want us to be in this situation.

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Size me up Round 3

Its here! :) Today is R3P2D1. Ive weighed in, measured, and hit the ground running. So far Im feeling good other than a minor headache.

I finished round two at 225.6 lbs.
I weighed in after three days of loading at 229.2 lbs.

Here are my current measurements:
Calf: 18.5"
Thigh: 25"
Hips/Stomach: 48.5"
Waist: 37"
Bust: 43"
Arm: 14.5" 

My goal for this round is 30 pounds. I am going to exercise more than I did in the last round. Ill be focusing on toning a few of my trouble spots and walking. I wont workout like a did in Phase 3, but I definitely want to avoid loose skin if at all possible.



 Onederland here I come!

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Miss Me

I miss you guys too, but this week has been crazy! I havent had time to blog at all, but I will be getting a post up SOON. I promise. Ill do it this weekend.

Ive been very very distracted this week and I havent been able to even think of what to write, or even when to write it.

Come back soon!

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Life Got Away From Me Again

I remember when the grief was still so raw, so fresh, that I was blogging practically every day for the first couple months. And gradually it has become more and more sporadic, especially at times like this when we are settling into our new house and trying to find ourselves here.

Instead of sitting inside at my computer, I find myself outside talking to my neighbors. Or unpacking a box. Or doing my nails, which I have started enjoying again. Or cleaning my kitchen. Or doing a huge shopping trip at Ikea, which I did today and got everything I needed, except for the two bar stools which I forgot, and a lamp.

I just havent made the time for blogging lately. Id say sorry, but you know what, Im not really. Sometimes I just dont want to write, and I just want to live, and be happy and do normal things and not have to grieve all the time.

Speaking of grieving and being happy, the word is spreading like wildfire throughout the neighborhood that I am a widow. Thats ok, because I started it. I didnt want people to think I was this divorced mom of four. So Ive told whomever Ive met so far.

Yesterday evening before grief support, I was over at Brendas getting our home owners association paperwork, and we got to talking about Barry a bit. She started laughing really awkwardly and asked me why I was so happy. WHAT?!?!?!? Yes, she asked me why I seemed so happy, and THEN proceeded to ask me if he was abusive because I seemed so happy he was gone. What the fuck!

Obviously people dont know what to say when they feel awkward about something, because not that long ago, someone else asked me how my husband was killed? Again, WHAT THE FUCK? He wasnt killed, he DIED IN MY ARMS IN THE HOSPITAL. He died, he wasnt killed. Its called a THESAURUS people, learn how to use one.

Anyway, back to Brenda. I was a bit put off, obviously, as anyone would be, but I swallowed my irritability, and explained to her why I am the way I am. Because I have no choice. Really, I am what other people would deem "happy" because I have four children that need me and rely on me. I explained to her that I grieve every single day, but my time comes in the evening after the kids go to bed, thats when I cry most of the time. I explained that he was the best, most wonderful husband I ever could have asked for, that he provided well, that he was the best daddy every, and that we loved him and missed him so much. And then I also explained that when he was alive, he was a truck driver, which is why I know how to go about day to day life without him. Because really, this is all we have known for 8 years. Yep, he started trucking in April 2002, when I was just a few months pregnant with our now 7.5 year old.

After hearing my explanation, I think she understood a bit better, but Im sure its still hard for the majority of people to grasp how I am able to keep a smile on my face. Barry would tell me "Buck up Joanna, stop whining and get on with your life and take care of the kids!", and thats just what I have done. Only a few choice people really see the real Joanna, the one who is grieving every single day, and those are a few of my close friends and my immediate family. Only they have seen me break down, and throw temper tantrums and cry and scream and sit in the cold in my van by myself on Christmas day night. Perhaps Barrys job was a blessing in disguise, because it prepared me for this.

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Awkward Christmas Photo Contest

We all have a hidden stash of awkward Christmas photos. Whether its your kid freaking out about sitting on Santas lap or modeling that awful Christmas sweater your aunt gave you, its time to pull em out and share them for the whole internet to see. Trust me, it could pay off. 

HCG Triumph is having an awkward family photo contest where they are giving the winner a prize pack of health goodies worth over $350. It is so easy to enter.

 1. Just go to their Facebook, Pinterest, or Instagram profile.

 2. Like/Follow. Upload your pic or pictures (post it to their wall if youre posting on FB) 

 3. Add the hashtag #HCGTriumphHoliday and a description of the photo. 

Boom. Entered. 

For the official rules, go here. 

Contest submissions will no longer be accepted after December 31st, 2013. Make sure you get your photo submitted! :) 

 

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The Most Magical Place On Earth

Can you guess where Im headed with this?

M I C K E Y M O U S E!!!

The kids and I need to get away. We need a distraction from life in general, where we can just focus on having FUN, and doing exciting things. We need something to look forward to.

Honestly, I was seriously considering going the Europe route. Barry and I always wanted to take the kids back when they were older. Id love to do that now, but honestly, I dont think that the kids would enjoy it very much. And A being dragged around London and Paris and Germany at 4 years old? no thanks. Thats a melt down waiting to happen. As much as I would love, love, LOVE to do that, I just cant right now. The kids wouldnt appreciate it as much as I would like them too, so that will be on hold for a few years. That way I can also ask my nomadic brother to come with us. Ill want to take the kids to all of our old haunts in Germany, see as much of England/Ireland/Scotland that we can, and also go to France and maybe even Prague. So you can see why that will be hard with all the kids, at this age especially.

So Disneyland it shall be. I cant go during May, because thats when the kids have their WASL testing. Our spring break isnt until the first week in April, but Im thinking Disneyland will be too busy then. So my other options are between the 22nd and 26th of March, not including weekends (Early release week because of Conferences), and then the last week of March right before Spring Break, and then I would keep them out for two weeks. Anyone thats gone, when is a good time to go? Ive always found Easter break to be easy too, which is when I went as a young kid and it was never too busy.

I am craving some time away. I just want to leave to be completely honest. I want a break. No, I dont want, I NEED a break. We just need to get away and have fun! Go to Disneyland, go to Disneys California Adventure, Knotts Berry Farm, do all that fun stuff.

So my task for you is this...help me plan! Give me advice on the trip, EVERYTHING about Disneyland that you can. Money is not really an object, Im not worried about that. Im planning on splurging a bit anyway, as this will be a first plane trip vacation for the kids.

Any help you can give me would be much appreciated.

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Always Close To My Heart

I wanted to share about a pendant I had made this week.

Back in January, a lady in my Grief Works group showed me one she had made, and I fell in love with it.  I wrote down the name of the shop, with all the best intentions to go there and have one made too, but kept forgetting about it. Occasionally I would happen upon the paper that had the shop name on it, but then it would slip my mind again, and Id go about my life forgetting about it.

This week, all four children have had half day camp at our local childrens museum, which is downtown in our city.  Monday morning after I had a coffee date with one of my twitter friends, I decided to explore for the last hour that I had before having to pick up the children.  I wandered down the street, and saw this cute shop I wanted to look in.  I fell in love with the items in there, and picked out a few things to purchase for Christmas gifts.  Then out of the corner of my eye, I happened to see a pendant.

I gasped, and asked the owner if this was the store I thought it was.  He replied yes, and I started to cry a little as I explained to him what had happened.  It was fate that I walked into that store on Monday, and I was just so happy that I had finally found it and could get my pendant made.

I picked it up yesterday morning after the kids were done camp. I opened the box slowly, peeled back the tissue paper, and gasped as I saw the pendant laying there on the cotton padding.

Isnt it just gorgeous? 

I remarked to the owner that it was just beautiful. I absolutely LOVE it. The inside circle is about the size of a quarter.  The color is cobalt blue, and its made out of hand blown Pyrex glass.  Its shaped like a bowl, so its not flat on the bottom.  The back has a star burst design of white, blue and red colors, so the pendant is versatile and can be worn both ways.

The reason I wanted to write about the pendant is because it is very special to me.  Do you see those silver swirls inside? Do you know what those are?

They are a small portion of Barrys ashes.

What makes these pendants so special is that the artist (coincidentally he is also the owner) has developed a special technique for being able to put  these in the pendant as he blows the glass and shapes it. It is not advertised, only done by word of mouth, and  he makes them a priority, which is how I had it back within one day.  

Monday night, I had the very humbling task of putting some of Barrys ashes into a little vial that was provided by the artist. I was somewhat scared to do that, but it turned out to be OK.  I opened up the bag of extra ashes I had, shook it around a bit to separate the bits of bones and ash, and scooped them into the vial as best as I could. My finger tips were covered in ash, as I held Barry in my hands again.  The first time I touched him since I said goodbye to his dead body in the hospital.

I cried a little as I put the ashes into the vial. And then glanced at my finger tips and wondered to myself , "I have Barrys ashes on my hands, what do I do now? Do I wash my hands, do I rub them off on my clothes, what do I do?  But I did wash them.  I washed his ashes off my hands, and down the drain they went amidst a cascade of soap and water.  

Just the act of touching the ashes was extremely humbling. But the reality is, those ashes arent him.  They are his physical body, but not his essence. It represents him, but it is not how we remember him. Our memories are how we keep him close to us, and not by keeping the ashes around.  However, I can always hold him close to my heart now as I wear this pendant. 

I love it. 

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Not to Toot My Own Horn But

I did a first ever maternity photo shoot for a close girlfriend today!  I was quite nervous to say the least, and really afraid I would screw them up.  But, I was wrong, and they turned out AMAZING!  Please go check them out and "like" the page if you dont mind :)

https://www.facebook.com/JoannaMichellePhotography
Here is a sneak peak of one of the photos!!! I LOVE it, and its is probably one of my favorites.

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