Last Wednesday Im Sorry!!!

I didnt realize it has been since Wednesday that I last blogged! Oops!  Sorry for my absence, we had a super busy week.

Thursday started off with my Mom and Oma coming for a few days from Canada, for Mothers Day and my housewarming party.  And since theyre internet and computer Nazis, I wasnt able to get on here that much.  Friday we got up early to bring the kids to school, as I had TWO Mothers day events that day.  One was in the morning, and one was at noon.  In between, I managed to drive them around the city to see the sights a bit, and we also did a quick trip to Trader Joes.  Then it was off to the school again, and after that, we spent the afternoon at Costco.   Saturday we were up at 7:30 and go-go-go ALL day.  We didnt really settle down until almost 10 PM.  We did food prep all morning, and then the party was all afternoon.  However, some friends came late and didnt leave till 9:30PM.  Thats perfectly ok though, we had a lot of fun with them, and drank and played scrabble.

As yesterday was Mothers Day, the kids and I did stuff together.  We went out for lunch, and then did a bit of shopping.  We had a really long day too, as my mothers day gift to myself was this:

Her name is Athena, Butterball for short! haha.  She is 7 weeks old and just a joy!  I also got her to keep Braddock company, who is our 7 year old black lab.  We all love her to bits, even Braddock!  except the cats, theyre keeping away from her. I bought all the pets some extra treats, and were giving Braddock extra love so he doesnt feel left out.  I kept with the Greek theme for names (except for Braddock, we did this after he came along), because Barry always insisted we do "distinguished" names for our pets, nothing stupid like Shadow, Rover, that kind of thing.  He was always adamant about that.  So I kept up with it in his memory.  Athena is also AKC registered, and has champion bloodlines.  I may or may not breed her, I have to think about it for awhile.

In other news, with the excitement of Athena, I forgot what day it was today.  Its the 10th.  I even surpassed 11:11AM.  7 months ago I became a widow, and I forgot! I am shocked, guilty and relieved all at the same time.  It is the first time I have forgotten.  I dont even know what else to say, except Im shocked I forgot.  This can only be a good thing though, as we go through the healing process.  But I actually forgot! wow.

I had a rough morning yesterday without him, as we had another holiday without Barry.  I cried as soon as I woke up, realizing that Ill never hear him say "Happy Mothers Day" to me anymore, Ill never get those deliveries from Pro Flowers or 1800Flowers anymore.  I cried and cried at breakfast with the kids, and my mom and oma.  I was better the rest of the day though, thankfully.  Yes, I do have my kids which are such a gift from him...but as much as i love them, they dont replace him, it doesnt make me feel that much better.  Flame me if you like for saying that, but I cant be happy just because I have the kids from him.  Because they dont replace him.  le sigh.

Well, time for me to be puppy mommy and put Athena outside again.  I hope everyone had a wonderful Mothers Day!

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A Forgotten Milestone Day

Ive noticed that the last few days Ive been exceptionally cranky.

My attitude has been really crappy, Ive been snapping at the kids, I have a very short fuse. And Im just feeling under the weather.

But I couldnt put my finger on it, and today at MOPS a light bulb went off. I was talking to a friend there who asked how I was doing and I said I was OK, but it really comes and goes. I happened to glance down at my watch to check the time/date, and then it hit me.

December 15th. It was December 15th.

Exactly 10 years ago today I arrived in Germany to marry Barry. I left Edmonton, AB the night of the 14th, and arrived in Germany at 10:40 local time. And thus began the next 10 years of my life. We were married two weeks later.

Isnt it interesting how you forget days like this sometimes? And then it just hits you, and you realize that it affects you so much more than you realize. And the effects can last a few days even, as your body slowly recovers.

My appetite has been affected, as have been my moods. I was just exhausted this afternoon, and almost fell asleep on the couch. I had a headache as well, and a sore back.

Can I just sleep through till the middle of March so I can bypass all the sad days?

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MEMORIES OF EMILYS PASSING ITS BEEN 18 YEARS

 Emily at age 17 in 1996              Rebecca at age 23 in 1981

Friday, June 27, 1997 - I spent most of the day that day with my 18-year-old daughter, Emily. I had just bought a little rental house, and I showed it to her, and she was begging me to let her rent it from me and move away from home. We looked at other houses that day, too, and Emily was helping me pick out the next investment.

That evening, we rented and watched the movie Jerry Maguire and I made her cover her eyes while I fast forwarded through the sex scene at the beginning of the movie.

Sunday, June 29 - After church, Emily was up on the roof, cleaned out the gutters, which she volunteered to do. At one point, she was laying down on the roof with her head hanging over the edge, and I told her to stop fooling around before she fell off the roof and broke her neck.

Monday, June 30 - The four of us (Bill, me, 20-year-old son Barry and Emily) made plans to see My Best Friends Wedding on Thursday. It was the last time that the four of us would sit in a room and talk. It was the last time we were a normal family. It was the last time I saw my daughter conscious.

Tuesday, July 1 - I left for work before Emily got out of bed that day. After working a while, I ran an errand, and when I got back to the office, I saw that Emily had left me a voice mail. "Hi, Mom - its Emily. I just wanted to let you know that its 2:00 and Im leaving for work. Ill see you later. I love you. Bye!"

I listened to the message with my finger perched over the "delete" button on the phone. I started to push it, then I hesitated. I thought, "What if Emily gets killed in a car accident tonight, and this is the last time I will hear her voice? Ill be sorry later that I deleted it." I realized that it was just a morbid thought, and deleted the message.

I had been having thoughts like that for about 18 months. Every time she would leave the house, I would grab her and hug her and say, "I love you! I would die for you!" I always wanted it to be the last thing I said to her, just in case she died in a car accident. I did not treat my other family members this way - just Emily.

When she left to go to work that day, she never came home again.

Wednesday, July 2 - If we had not had the window air conditioner running, we would have been awakened by the sirens at 1:00 am. About a mile from our house, Emily, alone in her compact car and on her way home, swerved to miss a deer and lost control of the car. Her car went into a yaw, and spun into a telephone pole on the passengers front door. The car wrapped around the pole and the pole struck her head.

We got the call at 2:15 am. We rushed to the hospital to find our daughter in a deep coma. She had brain surgery that day, but it was no use. She never woke up, and around 6:00 pm, the doctor told us that Emily had experienced brain death. We went to sleep at my fathers house, because all the beds at my house, including mine, were occupied by family members from out of town who had rushed in to be with us.

Thursday, July 3 - Around 4:00 am, after not sleeping, I told my husband that we were going back to the hospital. We spent all day there, waiting for all the arrangements to be made for the four men who would receive Emilys vital organs. Between Wednesday and Thursday, there were at least 100 family members and friends in and out and just hanging around. At noon, the hospital told everyone to leave so that they could prepare Emily for surgery. Bill and Barry and I stayed.

Later that afternoon, we invited Emilys fiance to return and he came back for an hour or so.

In the evening, I held Emily in my arms one last time and told her about the surgery. I was so afraid that there was a chance that she was still "in there" but couldnt communicate with us and that she was terrified. All I could do was tell her not to be afraid and that she was going to go to heaven and be with God, and that it was going to be all right.

Finally, around 11:30 pm, we said goodbye and went home.

Friday, July 4 - I did not sleep. I stayed awake and called the hospital several times throughout those hours to see how the surgery was going. A wonderful nurse told me details and let me know when Emilys heart stopped beating. They removed her from life support just before dawn on the 4th of July, 1997.

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And Its All Thanks To HCG Triumph

If one year ago I had been approached by someone from the future and told how much my life was about to change, I wouldnt have believed them. If they told me I was going to lose the weight of a European supermodel, I would have laughed in their face. So how did it start? How did I go from an obese diet skeptic to a much healthier diet blogger? Simple. It all started with HCG Triumph.

HCG Triumph is one of the few legitimate HCG brands left. Despite a lot of misconceptions, HCG Triumph drops still contain the HCG hormone, but more than that they contain a powerful blend of amino acids that help support your body during the low calorie portion of the diet. I did a lot of research before I decided to start the diet. I read a lot of articles on HCG and calorie restriction, and when it came down to it I knew that using HCG Triumph would be healthier than resigning to a life of obesity.

The HCG Diet was hard, but it worked. What a lot of people dont understand is that when you have over 100 pounds to lose, losing a pound a week, while better than nothing, makes the task seem impossible. With the HCG Diet, I lost about 1 pound per day. Each morning I felt rewarded for my hard work and suddenly losing all that weight seemed doable. And even though my caloric intake was restricted to two meals of lean meat and fruit and vegetables, I felt satisfied because of the amino blend in the Triumph drops.

Day by day and pound by pound I conquered my weight loss. I lost, 100 pounds, 90 inches, revamped my wardrobe on a couple occasions, and dieted through every holiday and social event imaginable. I survived the HCG Diet, and whats even better: the HCG Diet gave me my life back. I no longer have to worry about living in discomfort, shopping in the plus size section, or not being able to cross my legs and its all thanks to HCG Triumph.

HCG Triumph made me a new person. It has transformed me and hundreds of others completely. Now imagine what it could do for you.

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Feels Like Its Been Forever

I was thinking this morning that I couldnt remember the last time I blogged, I didnt realize it had only been two weeks ago.  I guess this is what happens when life goes on, right? I tend to forget that I have to blog, that I even have a blog really.

Nothing much new is going on, though we are well into the Christmas season already.  I did buy that new tree like I said I would, and I am SO happy with it.  It was a breeze to put up, took all of 10 minutes.  I still have the old tree in my garage, and I am pretty sure that will be going to Goodwill this week along with another truck full of stuff.  I am finally ready to let go of some things, one of them being the tree and the other being Barrys fridge that he had in his truck.  They are just taking up space in my garage, so it is time to say goodbye to them.  What purpose do they serve anyway but gathering dust? Someone else can use them.

I cant remember if I have blogged about what we are doing for Christmas, so if I have, please forgive me. I dont have the energy...or should I say I am too lazy, to go back and see if I did already. The kids and I will be having Christmas at our house on the evening of the 23d, and then going to my hometown to spend Christmas with my family.  I really have a lot of mixed emotions on this, because I really wanted us to spend our first Christmas here in this house, here.  But I do believe it is more important for us to be around family right now anyway.  Perhaps next year will be different.  Well be spending Christmas Eve at my moms house, and then Christmas Day at my Dads place.  Then the next day my brother and I will pack up the kids, and head back here for a couple days, and hell take the Amtrak back.  We havent seen him in a year, since last Christmas, so it will be nice to have him at my house too for awhile and he can spend some much needed time with the kids.  They love their Uncle, so it will be nice for them too.

Quite honestly, I am just not ready to tackle this major holiday on my own without family around.  I cant do it yet.  Its still too raw and painful, and being alone with out anyone but me and the kids would just bring so much attention to who is missing.  At least if we are with family we can be distracted, and have fun.  That doesnt change that I will still miss Barry, and think of him all day long, but we at least will still be able to have a fun day without too much sadness.  I hope.  Last year was the worst Christmas ever, and I dont ever want to experience that again.

My plans for mine and Barrys anniversary have started to take form too, but I havent quite decided yet what the kids and I will do.  I am pretty sure I will be taking them to Barrys favorite restaurant, the Chinese Buffet he loved so much.  We loved it as a family actually, and havent been there in months.  Since his birthday in march I think.  I guess Ill be buying him an anniversary card too.  It amazes me that this year would mark our 11th wedding anniversary.  Unbelievable. Time flows by so quickly, doesnt it? Just 12 years ago today I was a young girl of 18 and had no idea that I would soon be meeting the guy I was to marry in a yahoo chat room, and marry him just a year later.  What a difference 12 years makes.

Well, its the last day of the weekend, and I need to go load up my Honda Pilot with goodwill items, and clean this house.  I will write again soon, Ive just been pretty busy being mommy.

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Its Time

Dear Readers;

What Im going to write about today has been weighing heavily on my mind for awhile, and Ive struggled with coming to terms with it, how to acknowledge it, and just how to proceed from there. I had a couple really awesome conversations last night with a couple people, one including my sister, that really helped me realize that this is what I want to do right now.

And without further adieu, here we go...

Im not going to blog about grief for long time.

It has been almost two months since Barry died. I have trouble beleiving that myself, only two months? I remember the week after he died, when we were all busy with funeral preparations and dealing with that and the aftermath, time just crept by so very slowly. And then my family left, and I thought time couldnt go fast enough. All I wanted was for time to pass. Now here I am, the last day of November, and Im shocked that hes been dead for two months almost.

The last two months have been filled with unmeasurable sorrow. Buckets of tears, little sleep, spending lots of money because I just needed to keep busy. Weve done the Grief Support group thing (next week the 10th is our last meeting, were skipping this week because the three older kids have the Christmas Choir performance) too, and weve just tried to deal with this dynamic change in our family. And it has been the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do.

I will always love him, that is never going to change. How could I not? We were married for almost 10 years and have 4 children together. He was my life for over 10 years.

But now hes dead.

And honestly, that changes things now. How can I be in love with a dead man? Does that sound callous? I certainly dont intend for it to sound that way, but the love that I have for him, its changing in some ways. Its so hard to explain unless youve actually lost a spouse; You will always love them, always hold them in your heart and memories, but you cant live a live with a dead person. You cant talk to a dead person...well, you can, but not in person and you certainly wont get a response. I dont think the love will fade, but it just changes.

Blogging about him has been so therapeutic, it has helped me to work with my grief and somehow, somewhat, come to terms with it. But it is so emotionally exhausting to talk about it all. the. time. Ever stopped by here and wondered why there wasnt a post one day? this is why. All Ive been blogging about for these last two months has been Grief and Barry, and I just CANT anymore. I just cant. Theres no saying I wont blog about grief again, I probably will, and at certain milestones too. But this grief blogging day after day after day after day, is really getting old. How many times can I really say how sad I am? And I do think that blogging about him all the time is prolonging my sadness. Of course if I write about it, Im going to be sad and all that encompasses.

I want to be happy again, I am going to be happy again. I dont want to wake up each day and think that I have to grieve, have to be sad all the time because my husband is dead. Society has made us think that once you lose a spouse, you should grieve for the longest time possible, perhaps the rest of your life. But Im only 29, Im not destined to spend the rest of my life grieving and mourning the loss of my husband. Im not destined to spend the rest of my life alone! I do want to love again, and one day I hope I can even get remarried. Im going to get through the holidays this month (ok, next month, but its only one day, does it really matter?), and start 2010 afresh. 2010 is going to be a new year for us! Im going to make it the best year I can. Were going to go to see family in PA hopefully in the summer for a reunion, Im going to try take the kids to Disneyworld or Disneyland, and Im even thinking about going camping with them too! Were going to LIVE, and enjoy, and be happy again.

I hope you will all come to visit and read my blog still. I love having you all here, reading about us, encouraging me, and being such awesome supportive friends. It has meant so much to me.

And with that, I say goodbye to grief blogging for now. I will be blogging still regularly, so come back to visit!! Ive found a new love for writing, and I enjoy it!!

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Time To Give Credit Where Its Due

I was pondering this morning, and realized I havent done a thank you post since Thanksgiving I think. A LOT has changed in our lives since then, and I just feel that maybe its time for me to say thank you again to all the important friends I have in my life.

I wanted to do individual thank yous to everyone, and even wrote out paragraphs to everyone, but I found it was just too much to write, and too emotional to do so. So I will make a list, and hopefully theyre all reading this...and if not, they know how I feel. A thousand hugs and thank yous could not express my happiness at having you all in my life. I love all of you!!

*Jason and Lindsay

*Sara

*Rebecca

*Christy

*Johanna

*Mimi, Monica, Connie and all the other ladies from Mops that came and helped me clean and unpack

*All of my awesome twitter friends, especially Rachel who ran the London Marathon, and ran a mile in Barrys memory. That made me cry. And Ian too, who is a fellow widowed single parent, and knows what its like.

In other news, yesterday I took the spawn to a summer camp orientation/interview. Its through the Jamie Moyer foundation, and is called Camp Erin. Its geared specifically towards children that have, or are, experienced a significant loss in their life like that of a parent or sibling. Its a bit of a lengthy application process, and we wont find out for a good month, but I am pretty confident that the three olders will get in. It is just for a weekend in June, two nights only, but they will have so much fun.

Yesterday as I was driving them there, I got a little teary eyed. Thinking to myself, why do I have to do this? Bring my kids to a summer camp for Grieving Kids? WTF? how is that even fair to us? It isnt FAIR. Not one bit. I dont see why my kids have to grow up without their daddy, why they have to go to a summer camp because their daddy is dead.

And then I got a little angry at Barry. Because if he hadnt died, I wouldnt be in this situation. I wouldnt have had to take the kids out of school early to drive 45 minutes to Tacoma so they could have this opportunity. Its all his fault. I know he tried his damnedest to stay a live, I know that b/c I saw the look in his eyes, but he STILL DIED! He LEFT us. He put us in this situation, and I am so mad about it. I cant do anything about my life because he died, and no matter how much I want to go back and change what happened, I cant. Its infuriating, heart breaking, maddening. I hate this. And for the rest of our lives, we are going to have to deal with this heartbreak. Sometimes I just want to yell and scream at him for leaving us, and I have done that already. Maybe I need to do it again. Or get some aggression out again, something like that.

Barry knows Im angry, and I think hes OK with that. I know he didnt want to leave us, and if he were in my situation, Id expect him to be angry too. Anger is a perfectly normal part of grief, and I need people to know that sometimes Im going to fucking hate Barrys guts because of what he did to us. Right now Im angry and sad because I dont want us to be in this situation.

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MEMORIES OF EMILYS PASSING ITS BEEN 14 YEARS

 Emily at age 17 in 1996              Rebecca at age 23 in 1981

Friday, June 27 - I spent most of the day that day with my 18-year-old daughter, Emily. I had just bought a little rental house, and I showed it to her, and she was begging me to let her rent it from me and move away from home. We looked at other houses that day, too, and Emily was helping me pick out the next investment.

That evening, we rented and watched the movie Jerry Maguire and I made her cover her eyes while I fast forwarded through the sex scene at the beginning of the movie.

Sunday, June 29 - After church, Emily was up on the roof, cleaned out the gutters, which she volunteered to do. At one point, she was laying down on the roof with her head hanging over the edge, and I told her to stop fooling around before she fell off the roof and broke her neck.

Monday, June 30 - The four of us (Bill, me, 20-year-old son Barry and Emily) made plans to see My Best Friends Wedding on Thursday. It was the last time that the four of us would sit in a room and talk. It was the last time we were a normal family. It was the last time I saw my daughter conscious.

Tuesday, July 1 - I left for work before Emily got out of bed that day. After working a while, I ran an errand, and when I got back to the office, I saw that Emily had left me a voice mail. "Hi, Mom - its Emily. I just wanted to let you know that its 2:00 and Im leaving for work. Ill see you later. I love you. Bye!"

I listened to the message with my finger perched over the "delete" button on the phone. I started to push it, then I hesitated. I thought, "What if Emily gets killed in a car accident tonight, and this is the last time I will hear her voice? Ill be sorry later that I deleted it." I realized that it was just a morbid thought, and deleted the message.

I had been having thoughts like that for about 18 months. Every time she would leave the house, I would grab her and hug her and say, "I love you! I would die for you!" I always wanted it to be the last thing I said to her, just in case she died in a car accident. I did not treat my other family members this way - just Emily.

When she left to go to work that day, she never came home again.

Wednesday, July 2 - If we had not had the window air conditioner running, we would have been awakened by the sirens at 1:00 am. About a mile from our house, Emily, alone in her compact car and on her way home, swerved to miss a deer and lost control of the car. Her car went into a yaw, and spun into a telephone pole on the passengers front door. The car wrapped around the pole and the pole struck her head.

We got the call at 2:15 am. We rushed to the hospital to find our daughter in a deep coma. She had brain surgery that day, but it was no use. She never woke up, and around 6:00 pm, the doctor told us that Emily had experienced brain death. We went to sleep at my fathers house, because all the beds at my house, including mine, were occupied by family members from out of town who had rushed to be with us.

Thursday, July 3 - Around 4:00 am, after not sleeping, I told my husband that we were going back to the hospital. We spent all day there, waiting for all the arrangements to be made for the four men who would receive Emilys vital organs. Between Wednesday and Thursday, there were at least 100 family members and friends in and out and just hanging around. At noon, the hospital told everyone to leave so that they could prepare Emily for surgery. Bill and Barry and I stayed.

Later that afternoon, we invited Emilys fiance to return and he came back for an hour or so.

In the evening, I held Emily in my arms one last time and told her about the surgery. I was so afraid that there was a chance that she was still "in there" but couldnt communicate with us and that she was terrified. All I could do was tell her not to be afraid and that she was going to go to heaven and be with God, and that is was going to be all right.

Finally, around 11:30 pm, we said goodbye and went home.

Friday, July 4 - I did not sleep. I stayed awake and called the hospital several times throughout those hours to see how the surgery was going. A wonderful nurse told me details and let me know when Emilys heart stopped beating. They removed her from life support just before dawn on the 4th of July, 1997.

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Incorporating Exercise into a Hectic Schedule Beginners Edition

Exercise has been a crucial part of maintaining my weight loss. For the most part, exercising feels great... afterwards. Its that first step out the door on the way to the gym or out for a run that is the hardest. After a couple weeks of gym dedication, sometimes we get in the mindset of, "I have done so

well for so long. I deserve a break." Little breaks are fine. One day off from exercising is fine. But two or three days soon turn into a week and before you know it, you havent made it to the gym in weeks. And suddenly that pooch you worked so hard to get rid of with hundreds of sit-ups is coming back.

My problem is that I want every day to be a lazy day. And Ive been living with the consequences of that the last two weeks. After seeing a few pounds creep up I decided that I needed to involve myself in a type of exercise that I could adjust to fit a busy schedule and do pretty much anywhere. So I chose running/walking. I wanted to set a realistic expectation of consistency but still allow myself some breaks.

 After a little thought and planning I finalized a commitment to myself. My running schedule is three days on, one day off, three days on, one day off. This allows me to get in a good lazy day. If I know my lazy days are on Tuesday and Saturday this week, I can plan my running around them. Knowing that I can have days off makes it a lot easier to push through three days of exercise.

Here are 5 steps to implement this  type of exercise schedule into your week:

1. Get a calendar and write your goal at the top: Form an exercise habit by penciling exercise into my schedule and following a consistent pattern of three days on, one day off.

2. Identify the types of exercises you can do in a half hour to 1 hour period. Make sure they arent so hard that youll give up and never exercise again, but also make sure youre challenging yourself.
3. Assess your schedule on a weekly basis. When do you work, when do you have places you need to be, when do you have a half hour of time that is open and where will you be at that time?
4. Write down when youll exercise.
5. Keep a bag near your door or in your car with exercise clothes and running shoes, some deodorant, and some baby wipes (these will come in handy when you have to run on a lunch break).

I applied the above steps on Saturday and have my week planned out. This is what it looks like for me:

Saturday, by some miracle I was home. I needed to clean and run some errands but I managed to get in a 3 mile run/walk first thing when I woke up.

Sunday I usually spend the day at my parents house and catch up on some reading. Sundays are my most relaxed days, so I was able to do a 2 mile run/walk.

Monday is when it started getting a little crazy. I work 8-4:30, and at 5:45 p.m. I had a date. I am terrible at waking up early enough to go running before I have to get ready for work. So I took my running clothes to work, changed into them before I left and stopped by a high school track to do a mile before my date. I changed back into my clothes and met up with my guy for a nice dinner. It was incredibly hard to do that run, it wasnt even a good one. At all. But I knew that as soon as I finished, I was done with three days which meant I could have a day off and not feel guilty about it.

Tuesday was an off day. :) And it was an awesome one.

Today is Wednesday and its also extremely busy. I have work until 4:30, and a fancy date a 6:30 that I have to get ready for. Sooooo... That means by the time I get home at 5:00 p.m. I wont have time to run because that precious hour and a half leading up to my date will be spent curling, powdering, polishing, lining, ect. So... I brought my running clothes to work and Ill be doing a couple miles on my lunch break.

Thursday I have a double date with my dude and his bromance. I know its important to him so I cant skip it. That will happen right after work... So once again, Ill be running on my lunch break.

Friday I have the day off for a family member who is coming to town so I will be doing a nice 5 mile morning run/walk before he gets here and Im whisked away for family activities. :)

Saturday is a day off. And it will be much needed.

Next week I start school again. School part time, work full time, it looks like Im going to have to get used to running on lunch breaks. The thought of being sweaty for the remainder of the day isnt my favorite. But gaining weight back is also not my favorite. I have to choose the lesser of two evils there.

What are some of the ways you incorporate exercise into a busy schedule?

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No Christmas Spirit

I am positive this is all due to Barry being dead, but I have none. zilch. zip.  zero. none.

I have my tree up, and all my decor.  I even put light up candy canes outside on my front lawn, and you can see my tree through my bay window from the outside, and it looks awesome.

Yet something is missing.  It doesnt feel like Christmas here at all.  Well, maybe a little bit, but not very much at all.  I have all my shopping done, but have not wrapped any presents.  I have not done any baking.  I rarely listen to Christmas music.  We finally put together our gingerbread house last night.

In years past, this was all the norm.  I made dozens and dozens of cookies, Christmas music was on all the time ad nauseum, and I was just so excited for Christmas to come.  I shopped and shopped and planned everything out to the last detail.

Last year obviously was the exception, and I didnt do anything.  We didnt even make a gingerbread house, which has been a yearly tradition since I can remember.  Since E was a baby in 2002 actually.  Last year was horrid.  My friend Rebecca mentioned that because last year was such a blur, we were still in shock, that its all hitting me this year.

I am doing so many different things this year, that its a bit disconcerting I think.  Maybe because we are going to Canada for Christmas that I havent really planned too much.  Or maybe because Barry isnt with us anymore, that it doesnt feel like Christmas anymore.  This is our first "real" normal Christmas without him, and it isnt even a real Christmas because we are going out of the country and spending it with my family.

I have to force myself to wrap presents for the kids and I actually, Im so slow with that!  I dont know, I just dont seem to care this year.  Maybe Ill feel differently once we get to my moms place on Christmas eve and start celebrating.  But until then, I wont really know.  I just dont care about the holiday, and almost wish it would just be over and done with already.

Someone needs to give me some Christmas spirit and stat!  Lets not even talk about New Years Eve yet.

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I had an idea but now its gone

I had this great idea about what to blog about the other day, and told one of my twitter friends about it, but then I forgot.  Oops.  It was something to do with grief, but I cant for the life of me recall what it was about, so I will share something that happened to me yesterday.

I was at MOPS yesterday for our annual Christmas meeting.  Ive been going to this MOPS group for 5 years now! I cant believe it has been that long already, I started going a couple months before A was born in march of 06. The ladies welcomed me right in, and Ive been a part of that group ever since.  We have lost some members due to their children being too old, or they moved away, or just decided not to come anymore, but there are still some of us hardcore members from back then that still have younger kids, or have had more kids.  New moms join every year as they have babies, so the group in itself is pretty awesome, and I am so thankful for it.  My MOPS group has been there for me so much, especially last year when Barry passed and they provided meals for us, helped with funeral arrangements etc etc.

The first sob of the morning happened during our hospitality time, when we did all our hellos, raffles etc. Every month we celebrate anniversaries and birthdays. Well, this December would have been mine and Barrys 11th wedding anniversary.  Two ladies raised their hands because they had anniversaries in this month.  I did not until the last moment.  Then before I could start talking, I started sobbing.  It came out of nowhere. The tears started flowing and all I could manage to choke out was "Oh god" as I was crying.  I managed to calm down a bit, and then said "Barry and I would have had our 11th anniversary this month".  And I cried some more.  I wasnt expecting that to happen at all.  It really is amazing how quickly the tears can come on, with little to no warning at all.

Yesterday before we did our White Elephant gift exchange, we also had a Mentor moms panel where the more experienced older moms talked to us younger moms.  These "older" moms have kids that are usually close to my age or older, so they have been married about 30  years usually.  As they were all talking about marriage, mother hood and all that that entails, I started to get really irritated.  I almost got up and left the room.  I didnt want to be there hearing these women talk about their husbands they had had the pleasure to be married to for 30, 40 years.  Frankly, it PISSED ME OFF.  I was INSANELY jealous, but I managed to hold it together and keep the tears at bay as best as I could.  The last thing they addressed was being a single mom and if they had any tips for single moms.  I kind of had to laugh to myself because they didnt really know how to answer this question. At the end of that session, they asked if anyone had anything to share.  And up went my hand. I talked.  But mostly I cried.

I had noticed one thing these women never mentioned at all was really how to treat their husbands.  So through my big crocodile tears, and snotty nose, and sobs escaping me, I told my story to the moms that had never heard it.  I explained to them how Barry had died last year because some of the moms were new and didnt know me last year.  Then I got to the point of what I had to say.  I said two things:

Never ever take your husbands for granted, and always, always say I love you, because you never know when you will have your last moment with them.

And I cried, and cried and cried. I know some of the other women were crying.  Someone gave me tissues, and I got a couple hugs.  It just amazed me that these good Christian women forgot the two most important things.  How could you forget those? They are so vital to a good marriage.  I know that first hand. I am so thankful that Barry died knowing I loved him.  One thing I wish though, is that I could tell him one last time that I loved him.  I did get to say my goodbyes, and I did tell him I loved him as they were doing CPR and I know he heard me, but just to say it to his face as he looks me would make me so happy.  My memories of that morning are foggy because of everything that went on, and I know I told him I loved him when he was still alive, because we ALWAYS were telling each other we loved each other, I just wish I could remember.

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