12 Years Ago

Twelve years ago today, a very nervous, and much skinnier Joanna, waited in front of The Empress hotel in Victoria, BC, for a young man she had known for 9 months and never seen a picture of.

Twelve years ago, Barry and I met in person for the very first time after talking for nine months via phone, email, and yahoo messenger.  I fell in love with him before I even met him, and vice versa.   I knew that even if he was a total toad, I couldnt ever say no to him, I wanted to marry him that bad.

Twelve years ago today, at 6PM, Barry proposed to me.  He proposed the day we met in person.  And we were married three months later.

I cant believe it has been 12 years since August 28th, 1999.  It seems like a lifetime ago.  Ive always wanted to go back to the place where we were engaged, but havent been able to do so.  Partly due to the fact that its in Canada, and a pain in the ass to get to Victoria with four kids, but also...because Im a little scared.  I will go back one day, but I dont know when yet.

I have a picture of Barry and I from the day we got engaged, and I wish I had a way to scan it for you all.  My scanner is acting up and I cant figure out how to work it.

I still cant believe it has been 12 years ago that we met and got engaged.  I miss him so much.  I wish I could hear him tell me how proud he is of me right now, how much he loves me, how awesome I am doing.  But all I can do is hear him in my head.  At least I have that right?  I can hear him talking to him...and while I cant hear his voice very well right now, I know exactly what hed be saying to me.

I love you Barry.

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Disneyland But Later

Everyone and their dog knows I am planning on taking the kids to Disneyland, right?

My original plan was to go soon, and I was planning on late March or early April. But unfortunately I think I have bitten off more than I can chew, and I cant handle planning that right now.

Right now I am in the middle of looking for houses, and even put an offer on one yesterday! House shopping is very time consuming, so I have been super busy with that. Plus I have a few other obligations I cant get out of, so I just figured that Disney can wait.

The time I am shooting for is October of this year. I know that is 10 months away, but honestly, I think it would be easier for us to go then. It will be one year then, and to have us all distracted, and having fun and laughing, will be what Barry would have wanted. Rather than us sitting at home being depressed, and missing him, we will be out having fun and enjoying ourselves. Celebrating his life, and how much of a wonderful and loving daddy, husband and friend he was.

Sorry for not blogging often, I really have been so busy that I havent felt like sitting down to write. But rest assured, my first "A Year of Memories" post will be coming up soon! And if I get the house I put an offer on, I will post that information too. I cant wait to share it all with you!

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No Christmas Spirit

I am positive this is all due to Barry being dead, but I have none. zilch. zip.  zero. none.

I have my tree up, and all my decor.  I even put light up candy canes outside on my front lawn, and you can see my tree through my bay window from the outside, and it looks awesome.

Yet something is missing.  It doesnt feel like Christmas here at all.  Well, maybe a little bit, but not very much at all.  I have all my shopping done, but have not wrapped any presents.  I have not done any baking.  I rarely listen to Christmas music.  We finally put together our gingerbread house last night.

In years past, this was all the norm.  I made dozens and dozens of cookies, Christmas music was on all the time ad nauseum, and I was just so excited for Christmas to come.  I shopped and shopped and planned everything out to the last detail.

Last year obviously was the exception, and I didnt do anything.  We didnt even make a gingerbread house, which has been a yearly tradition since I can remember.  Since E was a baby in 2002 actually.  Last year was horrid.  My friend Rebecca mentioned that because last year was such a blur, we were still in shock, that its all hitting me this year.

I am doing so many different things this year, that its a bit disconcerting I think.  Maybe because we are going to Canada for Christmas that I havent really planned too much.  Or maybe because Barry isnt with us anymore, that it doesnt feel like Christmas anymore.  This is our first "real" normal Christmas without him, and it isnt even a real Christmas because we are going out of the country and spending it with my family.

I have to force myself to wrap presents for the kids and I actually, Im so slow with that!  I dont know, I just dont seem to care this year.  Maybe Ill feel differently once we get to my moms place on Christmas eve and start celebrating.  But until then, I wont really know.  I just dont care about the holiday, and almost wish it would just be over and done with already.

Someone needs to give me some Christmas spirit and stat!  Lets not even talk about New Years Eve yet.

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A Year Of Memories January 29th 2000

I just got back from the gym a little while ago. I realized while I was there that today was January 29th. I dont want to write today at all. But I have to keep up with my "A year of Memories" posts, right? I made a commitment to it, so I should stick with it. Sorry if my writing today is jumbled, un-flowy and all that crap, I just dont feel like remembering today.

When Barry and I were married, we had a very very small wedding. Only a few people were in attendance, and we didnt have much of a reception. If you want to count the Brauhaus, then well count that, but that memory will come later this year.

Sometime in January 2000, Denise Pledger, the wife of one of Barrys Sgts, offered to host a reception of some sorts for us at her house. They held it on our one month anniversary. I dont even really remember who came to it! I know for sure it was us, The Pledgers, Sgt Mac and a few others. I really couldnt tell you though.

We had lots of good food, I do remember that. I had this cookbook that my mom had bought me years before that, a Hershey Cookbook that I still have to this day, and it had a fantastic chocolate mousse recipe in it. Barry and I made that for the party, and prepared it in our room in the barracks.

We had the ironing board set up b/c we had no counter space, so there he was, mixing up chocolate mousse on an ironing board in the barracks. It cracks me up to this day, I can still picture it in my mind, seeing him there with the mixer in his hand.

At the party, the only gift I really remember getting was some baking dishes from Sgt Bravo, she was Barrys squad Sgt, and a Blender from Sgt Mac. I still had that blender years later, in fact, I think I only got rid of it a couple years ago because it finally died or something. I have a funny story about that blender though, that I will have to share later. And that blender also made all of our baby food for all 4 kids, it served us well for a very long time.

That is all I remember about that night, our post-wedding wedding-reception. It was a fun night though.

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Not to Toot My Own Horn But

I did a first ever maternity photo shoot for a close girlfriend today!  I was quite nervous to say the least, and really afraid I would screw them up.  But, I was wrong, and they turned out AMAZING!  Please go check them out and "like" the page if you dont mind :)

https://www.facebook.com/JoannaMichellePhotography
Here is a sneak peak of one of the photos!!! I LOVE it, and its is probably one of my favorites.

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Mothers Day

While I intended to write this post yesterday evening, the day got away from me and I did not have any spare time to sit at the computer and write out a blog post.

Weve been quite busy here lately, and over the weekend my dad and step mom came for a visit too, from BC, Canada.  Saturday we were lucky to have typical North West weather, and it alternated between pouring and sprinkling all day long.  But we braved the weather, and headed to Northwest Trek for the day.  We love going there, its so much fun to see the animals.  Plus, I wanted to break out my camera and get some great pictures.  And I did :)

Yesterday morning when I went downstairs, I was greeted with a delicious breakfast from James, as well as a pile of presents from him and the  kids.  I was spoiled, really.  The kids got me some OPI nail polish I was wanting, some Lemon Butter cuticle cream, a wonderful wall hanging with the word "Family" on it, and a necklace tree I have been eyeing at Target.  There were two more presents, and I opened the first one to see a case...a hard case for a GPS, with a memory card inside it.  I look at James and said "Thank you!", but was wondering why the heck he got me a case and a memory card, because I didnt need anything like that.  Oh, but there was more....the next box included this:

Yes, this wonderful, amazing, totally awesome man got me a new point and shoot.  Yeah, I know I have a nice DSLR already, but I needed a new point and shoot, and wanted something I could take with me to San Diego in August.  I had asked for one for my birthday though.   I could not believe he got me something so expensive for Mothers day!  And I love it.  I love love LOVE it!!! 

Since yesterday was my day, he said, I wanted us all to go somewhere to use  my new camera.  We headed to Ocean Shores and spent all afternoon at the beach flying kites, eating a picnic, playing in the sand and water, and taking pictures.  We had a wonderful day, and came home exhausted and covered in sand.

Before I end this blog post though, I wanted to give thanks to the person that made it all possible.  Barry.  Without him I would not have a mothers day.  I would not have four beautiful children.  I would just be Joanna.  I would not be a mommy, mama, and mom.  Even though he is gone and no longer with us, he left me with 4 gifts that I get to enjoy and love for the rest of my life.  And for that I cant thank him enough, because he lives on through them in their smiles, their nuances, their laughter, their memories of him.  

Thank you for making me a mommy Barry, I love love love you and miss you so much.

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I had an idea but now its gone

I had this great idea about what to blog about the other day, and told one of my twitter friends about it, but then I forgot.  Oops.  It was something to do with grief, but I cant for the life of me recall what it was about, so I will share something that happened to me yesterday.

I was at MOPS yesterday for our annual Christmas meeting.  Ive been going to this MOPS group for 5 years now! I cant believe it has been that long already, I started going a couple months before A was born in march of 06. The ladies welcomed me right in, and Ive been a part of that group ever since.  We have lost some members due to their children being too old, or they moved away, or just decided not to come anymore, but there are still some of us hardcore members from back then that still have younger kids, or have had more kids.  New moms join every year as they have babies, so the group in itself is pretty awesome, and I am so thankful for it.  My MOPS group has been there for me so much, especially last year when Barry passed and they provided meals for us, helped with funeral arrangements etc etc.

The first sob of the morning happened during our hospitality time, when we did all our hellos, raffles etc. Every month we celebrate anniversaries and birthdays. Well, this December would have been mine and Barrys 11th wedding anniversary.  Two ladies raised their hands because they had anniversaries in this month.  I did not until the last moment.  Then before I could start talking, I started sobbing.  It came out of nowhere. The tears started flowing and all I could manage to choke out was "Oh god" as I was crying.  I managed to calm down a bit, and then said "Barry and I would have had our 11th anniversary this month".  And I cried some more.  I wasnt expecting that to happen at all.  It really is amazing how quickly the tears can come on, with little to no warning at all.

Yesterday before we did our White Elephant gift exchange, we also had a Mentor moms panel where the more experienced older moms talked to us younger moms.  These "older" moms have kids that are usually close to my age or older, so they have been married about 30  years usually.  As they were all talking about marriage, mother hood and all that that entails, I started to get really irritated.  I almost got up and left the room.  I didnt want to be there hearing these women talk about their husbands they had had the pleasure to be married to for 30, 40 years.  Frankly, it PISSED ME OFF.  I was INSANELY jealous, but I managed to hold it together and keep the tears at bay as best as I could.  The last thing they addressed was being a single mom and if they had any tips for single moms.  I kind of had to laugh to myself because they didnt really know how to answer this question. At the end of that session, they asked if anyone had anything to share.  And up went my hand. I talked.  But mostly I cried.

I had noticed one thing these women never mentioned at all was really how to treat their husbands.  So through my big crocodile tears, and snotty nose, and sobs escaping me, I told my story to the moms that had never heard it.  I explained to them how Barry had died last year because some of the moms were new and didnt know me last year.  Then I got to the point of what I had to say.  I said two things:

Never ever take your husbands for granted, and always, always say I love you, because you never know when you will have your last moment with them.

And I cried, and cried and cried. I know some of the other women were crying.  Someone gave me tissues, and I got a couple hugs.  It just amazed me that these good Christian women forgot the two most important things.  How could you forget those? They are so vital to a good marriage.  I know that first hand. I am so thankful that Barry died knowing I loved him.  One thing I wish though, is that I could tell him one last time that I loved him.  I did get to say my goodbyes, and I did tell him I loved him as they were doing CPR and I know he heard me, but just to say it to his face as he looks me would make me so happy.  My memories of that morning are foggy because of everything that went on, and I know I told him I loved him when he was still alive, because we ALWAYS were telling each other we loved each other, I just wish I could remember.

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I failed but started fresh

I should never have started a diet without James being here... I failed miserably this weekend.  The good thing is, he and I both started the fat smash diet together, this morning.  I think that I will be able to do a lot better with him here because I have someone to motivate me, and watch if I try to cheat lol.  Ive set a new goal (honestly, I cant remember what my goal was from my last post, and Im really too lazy to go reference it right now) and I want to be down two jean sizes by mid August when I go to Camp Widow.

Ive been assured that I can easily do that as I have just under 3.5 months till I leave.  Im hoping I can get in shape enough to do the 5K Widow Dash there too, but well see.  The best I can do is try, right? I dont even know how much weight that would be to lose, 30lbs maybe? Possibly.  I really dont care about the weight at all, I just want to lose sizes and feel good about myself.

I really dislike dieting.  It plain old sucks.  I miss food.  The funny thing is, we get a lot of food on this diet, but its missing the good stuff.  The meat, the hearty food.  I cant have any of that for the next 9 days.  So May 10th is when we can have meat again.  Im already counting down the days.

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