3 Week Diet Review 2015 – Does It Really Work

The 3 week diet plan is a science-based weight loss program that guarantees a user to lose 12-23 lbs. of body weight in only 21 days. The primary creator of this unique weight-reduction program is Brian Flatt who is a sports nutritionist, head coach and personal trainer and has worked for many years in his specialised area. He has taught several of his followers to effectively lose stubborn fat and also build powerful muscle. The 3 Week Diet Plan is a special online 95-page ebook divided into many segments such as exercise, diet, motivation, mind-set and will power. Some of these segments include the following:

1. The Introduction Manual – This manual is composed of 43 pages and it contains usual information and know-how about the different weight-loss methods and factors.
2. Diet Manual – The diet manual is comprised of 22 pages and explains about the 4 phases of the complete diet Program and some useful tips for fast results.
3. Workout Manual – This segment of the guide is made from 17 pages in total. As the name suggests, this manual describes about the significance of full body workout. It lays down specific instructions and rules of carrying out exercises for weight loss such as walk, warm ups, and consistency. Some other effective workouts like the goblet squat, ab blasters and bent-over row are explained in this segment of the guide.
4. Mindset and Motivation Manual – This segment consists of 13 pages and includes important tips to strengthen your will power, create a new mindset to lose weight effectively and keep a track of those initiatives.

What is 3 Week Diet System?

The 3 week Diet is a unique dietary plan made for all those users who are serious about losing stubborn fat through changes in their diet. It is a 96 page guide created by its creator Brian Flatt who says that the users can lose 10-20 pounds of body weight in just three weeks or so. It is not a very strict dieting regime that is not too time consuming or very difficult to follow. Brian Flatt is a famous sports nutritionist and health coach who created the three week diet plan after 12 years of research. Several users have tried this scientifically proven weight loss system and have reaped sweet benefits out of it.

Brian Flatt has a degree in biology from San Diego State University and he has been in the fitness industry since the 90’s. Brian is the owner of Rev Fitness that is based in Southern California. Getting started with the three Week Diet System is very simple. All you need to do is to make the payment online to the official website of this system and begin downloading the manuals and related material. First, calculate your personalized diet schedule according to your body requirements. Next, go through all the four user manuals and create a full nutrition and workout plan for yourself. Finally, begin the program in a step-by-step and strict manner from the next day onwards.

The main idea behind this special diet plan is to make the body store the fat already present for energy requirements. After this occurs, the body enters the starvation mode and will start burning the stored fat to fuel heart, liver and other important organs. The three week diet plan is extremely safe and scientifically proved program and is guaranteed to work on every man and women. The users who have tried this diet plan have experienced positive results and successfully lost 10-20 lbs. of unwanted body weight. Brian Flatts has divided this guide into four main parts to clearly explain its concept.

In his guide, the author has mentioned about the various weight loss tips in detail. For example, the nutrition and dietary plans, improving metabolism to burn fat faster and specific weight loss tips. If the user is really serious about losing unwanted body weight then it is essential to follow the four phases of weight training as given by Brian himself. The details about these phases are shared below:

Phase #1 – Detoxification

The first phase is meant for those people (men and women) who wish to rid the stubborn body fat quickly. Users can lose a lot of weight by following the given instructions in this phase. People have even lost 10-15 lbs. after this phase. The main objective of this phase is to cleanse the body through the process of detoxification.

It majorly focuses on the liver as it is a fat pumping organ. Brian Flatt recommends taking a lot of vitamins A, D and C that help to detoxify body organs especially the liver, increase sensitivity of insulin and improve the adrenal function of fat burning in your body. A total of 17 vegetables and 6 sources of protein are allowed in this diet plan and the users need to follow this phase for seven days before they can move to the next one.

Phase #2 – 24 hrs Fasting

After finishing the first phase, the user would move on to the next phase which is 24 hours fasting. The user needs to start his fasting from the last meal of the seventh day till dinner on the eight day. Fasting is a good natural process to burn fat. It detoxifies your liver and other organs and maintains a fat burning environment. On the dinner on the 8th day, user has the freedom to eat whatever he likes but must try to maintain carbohydrates level in check.

Phase #3 – Fat Fast

The third phase or the Fat fast phase means what it says that is it does make the body lose fat through fast and scientifically proven methods. This phase commences on the 9th, 10th and 11th days and the efficiency of liver is properly checked in this phase. In this phase, the body keeps burning the stored fat from the belly and hips region.

After the two earlier phases, the body starts to crave for fat and it is important to note that it does require some amounts of fat as essential. After the regular limit of consuming calories from fat, the body signals the liver to start consuming fat for energy requirements from the muscles. Therefore, it is necessary to provide some quantities of fat to the body.

Phase #4 – Your Unique BMR

This is the last phase that continues from day 12-21. In this 9-day phase, users are allowed to consume limited amounts of calories based upon their unique BMR and weight loss objectives. There are 2 main steps as prescribed by Brian. In the first phase, the user needs to determine his or her BMR and in the second phase the user needs to know how much calorie they need to take based on their unique BMR. By following this method precisely the users would be able to achieve the desired lean look which they want or a smart six-pack abs whichever they like.

3 Week Diet Pros:

Here are the main advantages of the 3 week diet plan as given by Brian Flatts:

• The Three Week Diet is ideal for busy people – Brian invented this unique program for very busy people that do not find spare time to devote to their health and diet. The three week diet review program only asks for 20-30 minutes of light exercising for 3 days in a week which is not that difficult.
• Three week diet program is a well-recognized and scientifically proven method to burn fat from your body. A good feature of this plan is that Brian Flatts has tested his latest program on himself first and then revealed it to the users. Therefore, it is safe to try and is guaranteed to work.
• Three week diet plan is a fast-action and result-oriented weight loss program unlike the many others. The notion that only slow weight loss is Safe and Healthy is not true at all. Most people are not focused and motivated to lose weight and this is why don’t achieve the results through other diet plans. But, the 3-week diet plan guarantees to work on your body fat in just 21 days, if you promise to abide by all instructions and tips.
• It has a 60-day full money back guarantee so the user should feel assured and confident in using it.
• Besides, Brian Flatt is a renowned health expert since many years and has received much positive feedback from consumers all over the world.

3 Week Diet Cons:

As we know that no diet plan made till now is perfect in all sense. Same is with the 3 week diet plan. Its main disadvantages are:

• The three week diet plan is available in digital form only and can be downloaded via the Internet from its official website only.
• The three week diet plan does make light exercising mandatory for the users along with strict adherence to diet plans.
• It makes the user spend a bit extra in the form of supplements and other substances.
• The program is available only in a soft copy form, hard copy form is unavailable.
• Some of the users have complained that the topics could have been elaborated more that would have made it easier to understand.

3 Week Diet : Conclusion

3 week diet system doesn’t cost much (its $47) to own. On top of it, there is a full 60-day money back guarantee for the users and those who aren’t satisfied with the product can demand a full refund. The online guide which is downloadable from the official site comes in the pdf format.

Therefore, users don’t have anything to lose in trying this excellent program. The creator of this wonderful weight loss online guide is Brian Flatt, who is a health and nutrition expert since the past many years and has received positive feedback from many users. The best thing about the 3 Week Diet Review plan is that it is guaranteed to work on every man and woman regardless of their age, ethnicity or body shape. I will highly recommend it to every person looking to lose weight in a safe and natural way.

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Two Years Ago I Became A Widow

In Loving Memory

March 6th 1980-October 10th 2009

I will forever love you and keep you in my heart.

Im finally getting around to writing this last post.  I just didnt want to write it at all.  I dont feel like I have anything I need to say to Barry...I think Ive said it all a million times over over these last two years.  The time has come to say goodbye to this blog, and continue with my new one. Thank you to everyone for being such wonderful readers, and supporting me even if you didnt comment.  This blog has been such a big part of my life for over 3 years, and even more so now because it has become my outlet for my grieving.  I am ready to move on, so please come with me as I continue this journey.    If you email me then I will reply to you and give you my new blog address.  I post on there much more regularly than this one.  I have to say, I am a little sad to close this chapter in my life, but I am ready, and it is time.  

I will miss this blog and all of you.

Much love,

Joanna  

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12 Years Ago

Twelve years ago today, a very nervous, and much skinnier Joanna, waited in front of The Empress hotel in Victoria, BC, for a young man she had known for 9 months and never seen a picture of.

Twelve years ago, Barry and I met in person for the very first time after talking for nine months via phone, email, and yahoo messenger.  I fell in love with him before I even met him, and vice versa.   I knew that even if he was a total toad, I couldnt ever say no to him, I wanted to marry him that bad.

Twelve years ago today, at 6PM, Barry proposed to me.  He proposed the day we met in person.  And we were married three months later.

I cant believe it has been 12 years since August 28th, 1999.  It seems like a lifetime ago.  Ive always wanted to go back to the place where we were engaged, but havent been able to do so.  Partly due to the fact that its in Canada, and a pain in the ass to get to Victoria with four kids, but also...because Im a little scared.  I will go back one day, but I dont know when yet.

I have a picture of Barry and I from the day we got engaged, and I wish I had a way to scan it for you all.  My scanner is acting up and I cant figure out how to work it.

I still cant believe it has been 12 years ago that we met and got engaged.  I miss him so much.  I wish I could hear him tell me how proud he is of me right now, how much he loves me, how awesome I am doing.  But all I can do is hear him in my head.  At least I have that right?  I can hear him talking to him...and while I cant hear his voice very well right now, I know exactly what hed be saying to me.

I love you Barry.

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One Year Ago

Ok, lets face it.  Obviously I am in no mood to write right now, or I would have done sooner. Especially since I am leaving this to the last minute, it being 11:30 at night here in Florida.

First things first, we made it into Orlando on time and safely on wednesday morning.  We were able to check into our room early, and have been going full steam since then.  Were having a great time!  Wednesday when we got here, we went swimming in the afternoon, and then had dinner and headed to the Magic Kingdom for a few hours.  Thursday we got up early and went there all day.  We covered half of the park, and went back to the hotel.  Friday we spent at Epcot, and did most everything except Soarin and Test Track, and Club Cool.  Saturday brought us to Animal Kingdom, where we did everything again, except for the Lion King show which the kids did not want to see. And today the kids and I slept in, ate lunch, went swimming, and back to Epcot for a couple hours.  Missed all three things I mentioned above, but we will hit those up Tuesday early morning.  Tomorrow we are off to Hollywood studios!

Today I felt like a horrible wife and mother, and still feel a bit guilty.  I had plans to do a balloon release with the kids, and also light a candle for Barry that I brought a long, but I forgot to do both of them.  Weve been so busy that it completely slipped my mind. So tomorrow, albeit a day late, we will do both.  I dont think Barry would mind, because he would want, no INSIST, that we go out and have fun and not be sad.  And we are, depsite sore feet and being exhausted.

I was remarking on facebook today how different my life is no than it was a year ago.   A year ago today, I woke up in my old house, in my old bed, with a husband very much alive and ready to come home in a few days. I had no idea he would die.  Today I woke up in a strange bed, in FLORIDA, in a Walt Disney World Resort.  Never in my wildest dreams did I expect this to happen, ever. But I have to say, that NONE of this is at all possible without Barry. I  could not do it without him.  All of what we have now is possible because of him.

Ive passed the one year mark.  This year has flown by so incredibly fast.  I remember thinking to myself shortly after he died how I never thought I would get to this point.  How far away it seemed.  Yet, here I am.  Still Standing.  A few more grey hairs.  80+ lbs less on my body.  A new house, a new vehicle, MANY many new friends.  And yes, its all a little hard to stomach sometimes.  Id love to have my old life back.  I know I will never get that though, so its pointless to even dream or think about it too much because it really NEVER will happen, ever.

So now I have to start the 2nd year, and I hope it will be easier.  I was scared for today, Id been psyching myself up for it because it is such a HUGE milestone.  Perhaps life will get easier for me.  I can only wish.  I miss Barry so much sometimes, wish he was here to love, to talk to, to just be with, and laugh at stupid fart jokes.

This post may seem disjointed, I forced myself to write it.  Not realy feeling it today, which I know is my sub concious trying to avoid everything.  Im in total vacation mode and want to get back to doing that.  So with that I will end this post.  I wish I had had more to say about Barry, but I just dont want to talk about him. Not to be disrespectful or anything, but I just do not want to right now.  Im afraid it will make my vacation too sad.  I dont know....

Im starting to nod off writing this and need to hit "publish post" before midnight.  Otherwise Ill really feel like a failure if it doesnt post on the 10th.

Barry, I love you.  I miss you, and I know youre happy for us for this vacation.  Im sorry i forgot to light the candle and let the balloons go, but youd be happy knowing were off living our life instead of being too sad.  We all miss you and love you.  Ill see you in my dreams darling.  xoxoxoxop

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Florida Re Cap Part One

Well, I know everyone and their dog is dying to hear about our trip, so I will start telling you about it in a very detailed fashion haha.

Tuesday October 5th is the day we left Seattle for Orlando.  We got up that morning at our normal time, I sent the kid off to school and brought the pets to the kennel.  I felt so bad leaving them for two weeks, but it turns out, they did extremely well. Yaay!! A went to school that afternoon, while I got our carry-on bags ready and showered and got myself ready.  Kids came home and then we went and got A from school, and headed out for an early dinner at 4PM.  We were home for a couple hours before the shuttle came, and about 6:20 she called me to tell me she was on her way.  Well, guess what? E lost one of her tennis shoes.  We about had a panic attack looking for it, and I thought I was going to blow my top lol.  We found it right as our driver came, and then got on the road.  Made excellent time to the airport, and got through security.  By the way, security with 4 kids...an absolute PAIN IN THE ASS.  One thing I absolutely HATE with a passion.

Our flight didnt leave Seattle till 10:45, so we ate at Wendys, looked around the airport again and settled in at our gate.  Finally got on the plane and drugged my kid with benadryl.  It worked pretty well, they slept for a few hours or so.  I didnt get much sleep, but I did doze and sleep lightly. Finally we got into Orlando at about 7:15Am Eastern time and got on the Disney Magical Express to our resort, the Polynesian.  Our luggage wasnt due to arrive right away, so the kids and I settled into our room to wait till Disney delivered it.  Once it came, we went swimming, had lunch and tried to relax for a bit.  We hadnt slept really since the plane, and the night before in our own beds.  The kids had other plans, and we went to the Magic Kingdom the first day!! we spent a few hours the Magic Kingdom on the 6th, and our first ride was Space Mountain! Wow, I forgot how scary it was haha.  We really enjoyed our time there, and went back to the hotel later to sleep.  We had been up for almost 40 hours at that point, including the time we slept on the plane. The kids sure were troopers!

The real highlight of the day was seeing an old friend that afternoon that I hadnt seen since Barry and I lived in Germany. He was Barrys CSM while we were stationed in Germany. I knew he was in Orlando, so I told him wed be there (were face book friends), and he actually brought me some groceries.  We had fruit, water bottles, crackers, chips, granola bars, oatmeal for breakfast, and a few other things.  Angel was a lifesaver! It was so nice to see him again.  He wrote in Barrys memory book for me too, which I loved, and the kids can read when they are older.  We made plans to see him later in the week when we had more time.

October 7th was our first full day in Disney World, and we got up EARLY to be at the Magic Kingdom at 8am. There were extra magic hours! Thats where the park opens up an hour early for resort guests.  We had an awesome day!!! We did Splash Mountain, Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, all the rest of Frontier Land and then did Tomorrow Land.  We also hit up Adventure Land, which houses the Jungle Cruise, the Pirates of the Caribbean, Aladdins magic carpets etc etc.  We did a good half of the park that day.

One of the highlights from the day was after Splash Mountain, I went to look at our pictures, and was chatting with the lady behind the counter.  Mentioned to her why we were there, and she gave me our pictures for free, along with $10 worth of snacks too.  Wow.  She was such a sweetheart.  We also got to meet Princess Tiana, who is As favorite.  Seeing her face light up just made my heart smile.  I took so many pictures of that.

During one of our snack breaks, I looked across the "road" and saw a familiar face.  One of the families from the kids old school was at Disney World the same time as we were.  How funny! The mom volunteered at the school a lot, so I saw her there quite often.  She recognized me so we chatted for a bit.  Of all places, whod have thought wed see each other there?

Later that day we went swimming in the hotel pool, where I enjoyed a mango margarita pool side and the kids swam.  A did all the rides that day, we had little to no waits (Fast Pass is AMAZING), and our favorite ride was Big Thunder Mountain Railroad.  It was the perfect start to our vacation!!

more soon :)

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One Month Ago

I have a post in mind for today, but I wanted to say some other things first. First off, Im writing this Monday night. Its going to be a long post, so be forewarned. I dont have the ability to write this tomorrow morning because I am going to be out most of the day, and I dont want to deal with the emotions that come with writing a post like this. Im staying away from the house, and keeping busy till the kids get home so I just dont have to think. Ive also got a veterans day assembly tomorrow night to go to. I figured why not write it tonight, Monday night, when I can deal with it all and wake up and not have to worry about writing such an emotional post. I havent been able to write anything like this yet, and I certainly cant write like this in my journal right now. But I will definitely be keeping these posts for the future. Perhaps Ill even have them bound into a book. So here goes....Im even crying while writing this intro.

One more thing. I had this post publish at Barrys time of death. 11:11Am.


My Dearest Barry,

I miss you so much honey. I think about you all the time, and I love, love, love you. Ill always love you less than 3. Youre my sexy man, you mud stuffin!

One month ago, you were cruelly taken away from me and the kids. Little did I know that on that one Saturday, when I headed to the hospital, I would leave it without you forever. I wasnt even going to go to the hospital because we had to get ready for Es birthday party that afternoon, and I had to go pick up her cake at Safeway. You were going to make her a headstone cake with a candy skeleton, remember? But then when we realized youd be in the hospital for awhile, we decided Id go order one instead. Mom told me to go visit you, because it would be nice to see you earlier rather than later. Im so glad I went.

We had such a nice visit that morning. Joking, laughing, and teasing each other. I remember you were eating your breakfast when I came into your room, and the first thing you said to me was "Hey Baby". I drank some of your OJ and then gave the rest to you because I didnt want to get any germs from you. I will treasure those moments forever. Ill never forget the time that we had. I am sure you know this, because I did tell you once you were conscious, but I was at the hospital day and night. I spent hours there with you in the ICU. I talked to you, rubbed your feet, held your hand, kissed your forehead, put pictures and cards up on your wall, everything. I dont remember saying I love you that morning, but your nurse Amy, told me she had heard us say it. I know we did, we were always saying I love you to each other.

Just a short time after I got to the hospital, I dont even remember what time it was, maybe 45 minutes? you got up to go to the bathroom. Thats when it all went downhill. The nurses had me leave, and I called the family, and then they called a code blue. Dr. Christensen came to see me in the stairwell, where I was with a lovely woman named Deb, and told me they couldnt find a pulse. Did you hear me scream? I think everyone on the 10Th floor heard me scream. It made my ears ring. You always said I was too loud, Im sure you did hear me. Then I ran past Dr Christensen, and ran full speed down the hallway...I didnt even hurt my shins! I forced my way into the hospital room and was at your side. I held your hand, I kissed you, I loved on you as they performed CPR on you. You were turning blue at this point, but I know you heard me talking to you.

Do you remember me telling you how much I love you? How much of a good daddy and husband you were? How you were my best friend? How I would love you forever and always?

Dr Christensen was standing at your head, and I to your left, holding your hand. He came to stand beside me, hugging me, and telling me that they could put you on life support, but that you wouldnt wake up. That you would be a vegetable for the rest of your life because you had been without oxygen for almost 40 minutes at that point. Did you hear that? Did you hear me yell at the doctors that I wasnt a widow? That I was too young to be a widow? That this wasnt happening to me? Did you hear me say that it was OK to stop the CPR, and that I knew you wouldnt want to be a vegetable? Do you know how hard it was for me to say that? To have to know I was saying goodbye to the man I loved? I broke away from the doctor, and went to talk to you again, telling you over and over and over how much I love you, how much the kids love you, how much of a good father you have been, how much of a wonderful husband you have been. How you were my best friend, and I thanked you for sacrificing everything for us. I kissed you and hugged you.

And then they called the time of death and stopped CPR. I was there with you and said goodbye.

Everyone cleared out of the room, the nurses took me to a private room where I was able to call Lisa and Sara to be with me. I dont think I could ever thank them enough for what they did for me. About an hour and a half after you passed, I was allowed to go back into your room to say my final goodbyes. I half layed on the hospital bed beside you, Lisa and Sara put your left arm around me and helped you to hug me. They leaned on my back and just hugged me, as I hugged you. Again I said goodbye, saying all those things I said before. And to tell you again, You were my best friend Barry, I love you more than anything. I will never stop loving you for the rest of my life. I appreciate everything you ever did for us, sacrificing our family time so that you could provide for us. You were the best husband I could have asked for, the very best man I could have ever asked to spend my life with. Our children couldnt have been given a better daddy, you were the best ever!

I had Lisa and Sara leave for about 15 minutes or so, so I could be with you by myself for awhile. You know, I clipped some of your chest hair? I have it saved away. I always loved running my fingers through it. I kissed your lips, I marveled at the fact that parts of you were still warm, and I couldnt stop touching you. I just loved on you.

Telling our kids that daddy died has got to be the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my life. They miss you so much, and theyve been having a hard time. A especially because she just doesnt get it. I dont know how I can explain to her how you are never coming back. Ive tried, and I think maybe she is starting to understand, but she always says she misses you. We all miss you. We all love you. Were starting family counselling on the 12th, its geared especially towards families and kids that have lost someone like we have. And I am going to a grief support group starting in January, my good friend Rebecca, whom you never got to meet, is going to watch A for me once a week when I go. I think it will be good for me.

I think you would be so proud of me for how I have handled everything this past month. Ive been so strong, despite the fact that my heart is breaking. Ive done more paperwork than I could have ever imagined, I took care of your trip packs, I did all the insurance paperwork, I took care of the funeral arrangements. Ive really stepped up and I know you always wanted me to make something of myself, and I have really taken the first steps towards that. Im even thinking of writing a book! Everyone has told me how well I can write, I never knew that! It was always you who had that talent in our family. I respond by saying how sad it is that such a tragedy had to happen to make the words flow. But I can do it, and I am good at it!

People have blessed the kids and I considerably. With food, monetary donations, and cards, and love, and friendship. More than I could ever have asked for. And you have blessed us too Barry. I know we didnt expect that life insurance to ever have to be used, but thank you for that. Thank you so very very much for getting that, and seeing to provide for the kids and I after you passed.

I still sleep with your t-shirt under my pillow, and your pillow between my knees. Once in awhile I will wear it, and also wear your deodorant to bed, so the shirt smells like you. I cleaned out your truck, and guess what I found? Your black beanie cap! You also left me close to $80 in change!!! Mike always said you were bad for that, and was he ever right! Doug and Dusty came to your funeral, did you know that? And Jeff N came to pick up your truck shortly after that. it was so hard to see it being driven away, I recorded it with my blackberry, and had Jeff pull the air horn a few times so we could hear it.

At your funeral, did you hear the songs that I picked? I went through your iTunes on your (now my) lap top, and picked the top 4 songs I knew you liked. I know the two you wanted the most, Mars for when the service was starting, and O Fortuna for when it was ending and you were being taken out. You told me you wanted that, and I did it for you baby. Im glad we were able to talk about that over the years, because it made me so happy to be able to do that for you. And O Fortuna, Barry that is YOUR song! When Mom, Maegen and I were going through the songs, we started laughing when I played it for them. Its so pompous, arrogant...its you! It is the epitome of you, and I love you for that.

Barry, I love you. You are, and always will be, the man of my dreams. I have loved you since I was 18 years old! The 10 years that we were married, and the 11 that we knew each other were the best of my life. You gave me the best decade of my life! You were my first love, my first everything, and I will never forget you. I could write so much more, but my fingers are getting sore, and I will leave more for another day.

If I could ask you one more question, one last request of you, could you please come visit me in my dreams? I miss you, and I so desperately want to dream of you. To see you in the flesh, to touch you, to hear your voice telling me you love me.

Goodbye for now!

I love you Sexy Man!

Love, Me
xoxoxoxp

p.s. I finally bought that camera. haha :o)

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Fate Knows

Fate knows all. I truly believe this, especially after the events of this past year.

First off, I do NOT want to write this post. Not one bit. But if I dont write it tonight, then I have to write it tomorrow. Unfortunately, it isnt something that can be ignored, as it has been really tugging on my mind the last few days. I feel that not writing about Fate would be an injustice to me, to you, to my blog and my memories.

Barry always said he would die young.

I would always shush him and say "Stop! Hush. Just take care of yourself and youll be fine".

But he knew, he always knew, and I think in the back of my mind I knew too. It hurts to say that, it rips me apart to admit it. Funny thing is, he was perfectly healthy, he had NO health problems except that he was overweight.

In response to my comment above, he would always say that the men in his family did not live long lives. And unfortunately, that has proved to be true. Barry died this year at age 29, his cousin Dustin died this past July at age 19, and their grandfather died at the age of 43 years ago. I hated hearing about how he knew he would die young, it scared me to think of him being taken away from us.

But Fate knew.

I truly believe that is why we had such a WONDERFUL marriage. True, we did have our ups and downs like every married couple, but we were strong to the core. We were best friends. We always talked, spent hours on the phone every day, talking about everything and anything. Silly things, the kids, life, death, my crafts, his favorite radio shows (Opie and Anthony, Ron and Fez and Weird Medicine), our future, our past. Anything you can imagine, we talked about. In fact, our relationship started as talking and communicating via email, phone calls and chat rooms. We met in a chat room! We talked for 9 months before we even met in person, coincidentally the day we met in person was the day he asked me to marry him. And we were married 3.5 months later. Really though, we had the best marriage. We packed everything we could into our 10 years, and that was because fate knew.

We had a fantastic 2009 as a family. In May we went to The Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle for our annual May Day excursion, in July we went to B.C. for a week, in August we went to Multnomah Falls in Oregon, and up to Birch Bay, WA as well. He was also here for our youngest daughters firsts, like getting her ears pierced right before her 3d birthday last march. He was always adamant that the girls wait till they were responsible and able to not play with them, but he relented, and she had her ears pierced on his birthday, March 6th 2009. When we went to BC in July, that was our real family vacation, and we had so much fun! We all had such a good time, even if he didnt like to admit it all the time :).

In August, when we went to Multnomah Falls, we got the boy his first pocket knife. It was supposed to be a Christmas present, and had his name engraved into it, but Barry wanted to give it to him early, so we did. And he was able to teach the boy how to properly use a pocket knife. One day while he was home in August, I was talking to him about some Christmas gifts I had bought for the kids, and showed them to him. He didnt want me to give them to the kids b/c they took batteries, and we were trying to avoid that this year, so we gave them all to the kids as an early present. So he was able to see the kids open some of their Christmas gifts, and experience the joy that they did getting a surprise present.

Just a few short days later after we went to Oregon, we were able to take an early 10th anniversary trip!!! We dropped the kids off at my parents place, and stayed at a hotel for a weekend, went out for a nice dinner and saw a movie (Inglourious Basterds) and did a bit of shopping. It was a great trip, and a great summer.

In 2009 Barry also got to realize his dream of going back to school. Unfortunately he did not get to finish, but he gave it his all while he was studying. He did a great job, and today in fact, I got copies of all of his Deans List letters. He was on the Deans list every. single. semester. He was awesome!!

And to say it again, I truly believe that this all happened because fate just knew. Fate knew that we had to do all this stuff, experience it, because little did we know he would be dead just a few short months later.

I also knew Barry was going to die as soon as I brought him to the hospital, perhaps even before. it wasnt a thought I was aware of, but it was just in the back of my mind, just a feeling I had. I think it was solidified for me once I saw him intubated, sedated in the ICU/CCU. Subconsciously I knew there was no going back from that point, but my mind didnt really register that thought. Its a hard feeling to explain, just a niggling feeling that you cant put your thumb on.

Because of what happened in October, I am so thankful for this year. I am so thankful that we had that time as a family, going on vacation, making memories and being with each other. Im thankful that Barry and I had one last date, and got to celebrate our 10th anniversary 3.5 months early (we actually went out for our anniversary on the anniversary of our engagement! lol). Im thankful that the kids last memories of their daddy are good ones, rather than of him being in the hospital (they never saw him in the hospital). Now all they have to know is the good memories, of our time in Seattle, BC, and in Oregon, and everything before that.

Theyll never know the pain I felt while he was in the hospital and when he died, because I wanted to protect them from that. Theyll never know what it was like to see his head without his beloved beard, looking like a bowling ball, because they had to shave his beard off. Theyll never have to know what it was like to see countless machines and tubes attached to his body, hearing beeps and blips, and heart rate monitors, seeing iv tubes, catheters, all that crap. Theyll never have to know how awful it was to hear him say his last words, "I cant breathe. I cant breathe. Why cant I breathe?" while looking into his eyes. All they have now are good, wonderful, memories of the best daddy they could ever have.

I do have to say though, Fate is a cruel bitch too, just like her sister Reality.

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Two Months Ago

In Loving Memory
Barry N. Bender, Jr.
3-6-80 to 10-10-09

I will love you forever and always sexy man.

Ive been writing this blog post off and on for the past week, gleaning bits of information from myself to write today.

Today is the magical number two. Two months. 8 Weeks and 5 days exactly. 87,840 minutes.

It has been that long since Barry died.

And you know what? Im OK. I really am. most of the time. Today though, because it has been two months, I am sad. And I am crying, but I am OK. I am OK because I know that he loves me, and he will always love me. And I am OK because I know that I gave him his forever, even though he couldnt give it to me. I gave him the most love he could ever receive, I was a good wife, I was a good mother to his kids, I was his everything. He died knowing that I loved him, and that he was loved. And now in tribute to him, I am going to continue to live because that is what he would have wanted.

I still miss him terribly, but that awful heart wrenching pain has dissipated quite a bit. And for that I am thankful. I am thankful I can go to bed without crying, without feeling desperation all day, without feeling like I HAVE to grieve. I can go about a normal day and be a normal person. I love the picture that I posted of him. I took it this past summer at Fort Langley when we were visiting my mom. He rarely smiled in pictures, but in this one I can just see a smile coming out. I can look at it and see his mouth break open into a smile, while he looks at me. Even his eyes are smiling.

My cousin Heidi wrote a note on face book that really struck a cord with me. She wrote exactly how I felt, have felt, was feeling. She wrote about how you never think things are going to get better, and how it seems all youre going to do is hurt. But that time heals.

And its true, it really is. Time heals all wounds, even though it seems like complete bullshit when you first hear it.

To quote Barry,

"But in realizing death, we must also remember to live. Time heals all wounds. Grief is normal, and it will pass"

Ive had to repeat that to myself many times over the past two months. It seemed at first that nothing would get better, that I could never be happy again, that I would never get past this. And I really did walk around in a fog, just had this cloud above my head that was dark and thunderous. Eventually it started to go away, slowly, but its gone now. Sometime last month, a couple weeks before I wrote my post about "Its Time", is when I finally started feeling normal. I still wrote grief posts after that, because I felt I had to, but not because I wanted to. I felt it was expected of me. Like I had to bow to societys standards about how I have to grieve. But you know what? Fuck Society. Really. I dont care what everyone else thinks. Im an adult, I am independent, and I will make my OWN decisions and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks of me. I can thank Barry for helping me cultivate that attitude/view on life, because without him, I wouldnt have it. I will grieve in my own way, and if someone doesnt understand then they can just keep that to themselves.

Then I think about what he said, and I realize that time does heal all wounds. I can look back at him now and smile, and remember without my heart breaking. I still get teary eyed sometimes, and I will always miss him and love him. Hell never be forgotten. Hell always live on in us.

I had my ring cut off on Monday. I didnt feel right wearing it anymore. Im not married anymore, so why wear it? My fingers were too chubby to take it off myself, so I went to a local Jeweler, and had them cut it off. BUT BUT...Im also having mine and his re-soldered together, so they are intertwined. Not sure what Ill do with them after that, but Im not worried about that yet. They are very special to me, and we have the exact same ring, a plain gold band he bought from a German jewelery store. This way, if the kids want later in life, they can get them made into wedding bands for themselves, and have something special that was mine and Barrys. Ive also gotten rid of most of his stuff. Ive kept all the important mementos like pictures, cards, his wallet, knives/guns, last outfit he ever wore, his favorite t-shirt and one shirt for each of the kids. And I kept most of his DVDs, and his computers. But everything else went to goodwill. I dont want it anymore. I just needed to get rid of it, as it is cluttering up my life. I just cant have it around anymore. Im ready to move on. I think he would be exceptionally proud of me for how strong I have been, for how Ive held up in this time of adversity. I know he is proud of me. He ALWAYS encouraged me to become more independent, to stop worrying about what everyone thought of me, to be my own person, and I finally am. He would be extremely proud of me for standing on my own two feet!

In just under a month well be ringing in a new year. Im going to make 2010 the best that I can. Im going to Live, Love, Laugh, and Be Happy.

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Ive Been MIA

Well people I have been taking a break from blogging.

I have lost my inspiration lately, to be completely honest.

The past week was extremely hard for me, very emotional. Lots of firsts.

Heres what I did for the FIRST time by myself this week without Barry.

• Cooked a Turkey (he ALWAYS did this)
• Read The Night Before Christmas to the kids (again, his tradition)
• Put up the Christmas presents by myself, well, with the help of my bro and sis, but he always helped with this
• Barely persevered through our first Christmas without him.
  
• Made our traditional Christmas morning breakfast of homemade egg ham and cheese McMuffins
  

I am so glad I NEVER have to relive that week again. Everyone says the first time is always the hardest, and it really really is. I had all these grand plans to do everything the same as we ALWAYS did it. But I didnt do anything the same. Everything was different this year. Heres what I did DIFFERENT:

• I cooked the Turkey and it turned out freakin awesome! lol
• We did stockings on the 26th instead of Christmas morning
• Skipped out on all the baking. No no bakes this year or ANYTHING. Not even Barrys traditional trans-gender gingerbread man with boy and girl bits! HAHAHA
  
• No Gingerbread house
• No stuffing or rolls for xmas dinner because I forgot to buy it

Now the next big hurdle is our anniversary. I am dreading the 29th. Abso-fucking-lutely dreading it. I want to sleep through it. Why does it have to be this day? WHY must I have an anniversary so close to Christmas? This is going to be the 3d step of many, for the next few months of firsts that we will do without Barry. First we had Thanksgiving, then Christmas...then the anniversary. Then New Years Eve. And then in February we have the twins 9th birthdays, and then in March we have his and As birthdays only one day apart.

Then we get a reprieve for almost 3 months until May 1st comes along. That was a special day for our family, we always celebrate May Day and do something fun. Last year we took the kids to the Zoo in Seattle. Not quite sure what I will do with them in May, but I will be doing something fun. And then comes along my birthday in July, and finally Es birthday in October. Technically shes already had her birthday without him, because he was in the hospital and then died the day of her party, but it will still be a hurdle to pass.

I think the next few months will be the hardest for us, but you know what? Well get through it.

This too shall pass.

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Eleven Years Ago Today

This week has been pretty hard.  Grief is like that though, it comes in waves, and sometimes you get hit by a giant tsunami, and other times just a little wake. Im not quite sure where I am this week, dont know how to classify how Im feeling, but it hasnt been an easy week.

Yesterday for the first time in ages, I was sobbing into Barrys t-shirt, my tears soaking the cotton as I tried to calm down but could not. That was the last t-shirt he ever wore, for those of you who dont know. Ive never washed it, and I dont think I ever will.

Ive also noticed that my attitude has been pretty damn shitty lately. Ive been a bit of a cranky bitch to everyone.  Though that could be due to having my period at the same time, but I know that grief is a big factor in my attitude right now.  I tend to get that way before certain days, and not even realize it till the day is upon us, or has already passed.  Even today I just HAD to be out of the house, had to be gone, had to be busy doing everything and anything.

11 years ago today, Barry and I met for the very first time in person, and it was also the day he proposed to me!  At this point in our relationship, I was living in Edmonton AB, and he was in Wiesbaden Germany, stationed there in the Army.  I was visiting my mom in Abbotsford, BC, and he his mom in Port Angeles, WA.  We both agreed to meet in Victoria BC and spend the day together.

I dont remember what time I arrived in Victoria that morning, but it was pretty early on in the day.  I took the ferry from Vancouver to Victoria, and the greyhound to downtown Victoria from the ferry terminal.  I was so incredibly nervous to finally meet him after talking for 9 months.  And the funny thing is, I had never seen a picture of him.  Never! he did send me one once, but it was lost in the mail.  But I was so in love with this man that I knew even if he was hideous, I would still say yes if he asked me to marry him.

As I sat there on a bench in front of The Empress Hotel, I kept glancing across the Victoria harbor waiting for Barrys ferry to arrive.  I waited, and waited, and waited. And then I saw a young man walking down the road.  And I knew it was him. My heart knew it was him. He crossed the street, walked up the path to the front of the hotel, and as I stood up, shoved his military ID card in my face so I would know it was him.  That was a mere moment, as we then hugged and hugged and hugged. Finally, we met.  We had gone through so much to meet that day, and it was finally happening.

We spent the rest of that day together, sightseeing around Victoria and just spending time together.  Towards the end of the day, we landed up in the Rose Garden in front of the hotel.  We were laying there in the grass, and I was getting impatient because Barry hadnt proposed to me yet.  He had told me before we met that he was going to propose to me, and I had waited all day.  We were basically engaged already, just had to make it official.  So, my spunky self finally asked Barry if he was going to ask me to marry him.  I told him I was tired of waiting! LOL  and shortly after that he asked me to stand up, and he got down on one knee.

Holding my hands in his, Barry told me I made him the happiest man on earth, and he wanted to make me the happiest woman on earth (the only two things I remember that he said haha).  And then he asked me to marry him.  And i said yes.

We parted ways shortly after that, unfortunately, as we only had one day together.  And then we both went back to our lives, he  to Germany, and I to Edmonton.  And then 3.5 months later, on December 29th, 1999, we were married in Wiesbaden, Germany.  The day we were married, was the 15th day we spent together in person.  Yes, you read that correctly, we only spent two weeks together  in person before we were married.

The day we got engaged was one of the best days of my life.  I met the man of my dreams, and got engaged in the very same day!  Not many women can say that can they? I truly was a lucky woman to find such a man like Barry.

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Post 700!!!

Well, I couldnt really think of a better title than that.  I need to celebrate 700 posts on this blog! WooHoo!!

Ive been asked recently when I was going to post again, and my first thought was "I dont know, I dont really feel like writing".  But maybe I need to, I think so at least. Writing helps me deal with my feelings, and it is so beneficial to get those out on "paper".

Im doing a bit better since my last post, but Im still dealing with a lot of those emotions that I mentioned, being frustrated and angry at couples, and bitter at my situation.  It has passed for the most part. I still havent called the counselor.  Not on purpose, but because I have been so pre-occupied right lately.  Youll also notice that on the 10th, I purposely did NOT post.  I did not want to post.  I didnt want to be reminded that Barry had been dead for 11 months.  I find it so hard to believe that it has been that long already.  How different my life is this September, compared to last year when Barry was still healthy at this time.  He got sick shortly after though, I remember him being sick for a couple weeks.  You know what the sad thing is, I was really worried about him.  I was scared for him.  I had a bad feeling, but I couldnt put my finger on it.  I was afraid he would die, and I told him that.  I was very scared, but why was I so worried? It was just the flu, or so we thought.  He assured me that if he thought he was going to die, that he would go to the hospital. And then he came home to go to the hospital.  Unfortunately, my intuition was right.

Enough with the sad crap though, I need to update on our lives here! September 8th the kids all started school.  Because we moved back in April, the kids were starting at a new school.  So it really has been a year of changes for us, new house, new neighborhood, new lives, new school, new friends.  They are adjusting well, and making new friends and love their new school.  We do miss our friends at the old school, but the good thing for us is that we are still in the same area we were before, so all their friends are still close and no further driving distance (we moved down the street).

Yesterday was As first day of pre-k.  She dressed herself, and was so very excited to go to school.  Her first day went great, she is making friends already and the parents are very friendly from what Ive seen so far.  Im very happy with the school I chose.  She will go four days a week in the afternoons from 1-4. It is a nice break for me, I get a little time to myself to re-charge.  She was so proud of herself yesterday morning before we left.  I told her how proud Daddy would be of her, and how big of a hug he would give her. She said to me "how am I supposed to hug him?", and I told her to hug her heart.

We all talk about Barry often, it has started getting easier.  Just the other day at dinner, we were joking and laughing about some of the silly stuff he would do.  Yes, it is still hard to believe he is gone.  Even after almost a year, I still have trouble accepting the fact.  We all miss him so much, and that will never change. But talking about him is getting easier.

My big news is that I started running.  I think I may have mentioned that before, feeling the need to have the adrenaline release.  I just want to feel my feet pounding the pavement.  About a week or so ago, I purchased the C25K app for my iPod touch, which is the Couch To 5K program.  I dont know how far I ran yesterday (my plan is to do it while A is in school) , but it was a 31 minute program.  The app staggers running for a minute and walking for 90 seconds.  I thought I was going to pass out at some times, but I DID IT! I completed the first day without stopping or giving up.  I was hot, sweaty, and exhausted afterwards. I am so proud of me.  I actually did it!!! I will do running day 2 tomorrow, and Im already looking forward to it. Ill have to take two weeks off the program while we are in Florida, but with all the walking well be doing Im sure well be ok.

Speaking of Florida...we leave in LESS THAN THREE WEEKS!!!!! We are so incredibly excited.  The kids are really gearing up for the trip, and Ive started to get us ready.  Ill probably start packing soon too.  Yes, I know it is early, but with 5 people going away for two weeks I need to be prepared. I also need to get the pets stuff ready for the kennel.  I do plan on taking the lap top with me, so I will do my very best to blog while we are there.  I know the one year anniversary will pass while we are there, and I want to write that day, but I will probably do a pre

On October 10th, I am not sure what we will be doing as a family. I think we may get some balloons and each write a special message to Barry on them, and release them.  Does anyone have any other good ideas?

Well, it is time to get my day started.  Ill try to write more often, but the next few weeks are incredibly busy for me...harass me if Im not writing enough.

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One More Milestone Come and Gone

Today marked As first day of kindergarten!!

I had mixed emotions the whole day because I just wasnt sure what all this would bring, what emotions I would feel, would I cry or not.  And the truth is, it was a little hard for me, and I did cry a little bit this morning.  But she did SO well, and she absolutely LOVED it.  I am incredibly glad that it went well for her.

A is my baby, and I always knew this day would be hard because Id be essentially sending her off into the world.  As we drove to school, I told her how much I would miss her, and she told me she didnt want me to cry.  But I did a little bit as I said goodbye to her at school.  I missed her.  She has been my little sidekick since she was born, and has spent the most time with me by herself than any of the other kids did.  I took loads of pictures of her at school, and of all the kids this morning, as is tradition in this house!

What really bothered me is that Barry missed this.  One more milestone, come and gone without him.  It hurts, and it stings to see the other dads there with their wives, picking up the kids or dropping them off for their first day.  I wish I could take that away from her.  I did tell her however, that daddy would be SO proud of her, and that he was in her heart today with her as she started school (2nd time that my eyes welled up today!).  He would have loved to be there for her...It just breaks my heart that he missed such an important day for her.

And as I type this, I find my eyes welling up again, for the fourth time today actually.  Wishing so badly I could tell Barry about her first day of school, send him the pictures.  Tell him that the twins are in 5th grade!!! FIFTH GRADE already!! That just blows my mind...and E already in 4th.   That three of our children are the tallest in their classes, and quite possibly grades too.  He would be beaming from ear to ear, he loved our kids so much.

I just wish I could tell him.

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