Things I Wish

I just thought Id share a list of some things Ive been wishing had turned out differently, or will happen, or that I wish I had etc etc.  Nothing in particular order, I just didnt feel like writing a long drawn-out blog post about it.

• I wish Barry had been here to teach M how to tie a Tie, he had to go to the neighbors house and my girlfriends husband did it for him for his Harry Potter Costume.
• I wish I had more patience 
• I wish Athena would stop jumping up against the glass door to come inside
• I wish I was more self-sustainable, and had things like a garden, or the means to can more food.
• I wish I wasnt such a perfectionist
• I wish I didnt yell so much
• I wish I could handle being a single mom better than I currently am
• Tonight I wished it was A on her daddys shoulders while Trick or Treating instead of Charlies (whom I mentioned up above)
• I wish I had the courage to start my book, but I dont know how to start it. Or what angle to take.
• I wish I was back in Florida
• I wish I had a husband or something close to that
• I wish I didnt have to sleep alone each night.
• I wish I had more support
• I wish life was easier
• I wish Dish Network would get their shit together and fix their slow ass website and phone system
• I wish I was able to resist sweets and exercise more! I would have lost all the weight by now if I did. I want to lose 50-60lbs more
• I wish I could relax enough to read again. I have only read one whole book since Barry died. I used to read all the time before he did.
• Oh one more thing...I wish Dish Network didnt outsource.  What happened to good old Americans? Why do I have to talk to someone from a foreign country who calls me YO-ANNA.  My name is JOANNA for fucks sake.

Thats it for today. 

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Stress

I dont know what to write.

Im busy being mom, mommy, mama, widow, Joanna, "wife" ?, and all else that entails who I am.

I havent noticed how it happened, but it seems stress has crept into my life again without my knowing.  Ive been having tension headaches in my jaw and facial area.  Quite honestly, I think I am clenching my teeth without realizing it. The headaches arent THAT bad, but there is tension in my jaws, my face and the back of my head. I probably do it when I am sleeping.  It happens at random times during the day too.

I did have all four of my wisdom teeth removed in March, so I am hoping it has nothing to do with that.  I dont think so, as the tension has just started happening in the last few weeks.

Obviously something is bothering me, and Im sure its just grief...as always.

I miss Barry, but I am so busy most of the time, I dont have time to think about him.

Actually, I FORGOT about the 10th.  Can you believe that? I didnt remember until it yesterday when it hit me that the anniversary date had actually passed.  Ive almost forgotten a couple of times, but have remembered during the day.  I am shocked at myself.  How could I forget that? I am not upset about it, just in awe that I could actually forget such an important day.

I really dont feel like writing at the moment. I need a hot shower, I need to get dressed, I need to get out of the house.

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Sixteen Months Later

Sixteen Months Later....

And I still have moments of panic where I feel like my stomach is going to rise up into my throat
I still cry from time to time
I still miss him
I still grieve
I still have to pinch myself and remind myself that this life is real
I still curl up with his t-shirt once in awhile
I still like to read his letters to me and feel him speaking to me

I find myself living with a new man and realizing how wonderful he is and that Barry had to have sent him our way.  Hes too great for me to have found on my own.  He and Barry even have a lot of similarities.  I dont feel like getting into them, but Ive noticed several.  I have even called James Barry a few times, and have to catch myself before I say all of his name.  The kids have called James "daddy" and "dad" a few times.  Weve been very open about this and have told them that they can if they want, but dont have to.  It comes and goes with them, really.  It is hard for me to hear them call him that sometimes though, as it is another reminder of whom we lost.

Ive also noticed that I dont feel Barry around as much anymore.  I used to be able to feel that he was around, by orbs in pictures, or just sensing something around me, or the kids even noticing it.  But I think he is here less and less because James is here.  Am I crazy? I really think that he sent James my way because he wanted me to be happy.  I could be totally off my rocker for thinking that, and whether I am right or wrong, I dont care, and Ill just think that James is here because of Barry.  But I still miss Barry, and wish he was around more.

I have thought a few times of his final moments.  What were his final thoughts? Was he scared? Did he think of me? The kids? I wish I could know, but that will be a mystery to me forever.  At least I can be confident and comforted knowing that he died loving me, and knowing he was loved so very very much by me and his children.


One last thing...i know all my images are gone.  Shabby blogs deleted the design I had, and I have yet to fix it.  Ill get on that soon...be patient with me!!

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Stuff I Wish I Could Share

I always loved sharing funny things that the kids did with Barry.  It always gave us a laugh to see what crazy crap they would come up with.

Our oldest daughter V, who will be 10 on the 8th of February, has really been spouting some winners lately.  This past week she had spelling homework to do, and decided to be lazy and make up all of her definitions.  This is what she did:

Obviously we ALL had a laugh, and I even posted it on facebook because it was so funny.

And then today, James and I were in As room putting some stuff up on her walls and it was Vs job to vacuum her shared room with her sister E.  V says "James, James, the vacuum is broken.  It wont turn on, we need a new vacuum.  I keep pressing the button but it wont turn on!!".  He went in and checked on her and had to pull me into my bedroom barely able to contain his laughter as he told me what she was doing.

She hadnt plugged it in.

Thats V for you though, she is SUCH a blonde! Barry and I would always laugh about the stupid stuff she would do.  I wish I could share this stuff with him though, because I can see him in my head reacting the way he always did. Laughing and sighing at the same time.  He would have gotten a kick out of it.

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