The Unintentional Branding of a Widow

As my Aunt Christine said, you feel like you walk around with a big W tattooed on your forehead, where everyone can notice it.

I dont think that people do it intentionally, but you still do it. You look at us like were lepers. A big W tattoo on our foreheads makes us untouchable, yet you act so sympathetic too.

And I hate it. I hate hate hate it.

Do you know how irritating it is to hear "Im sorry", "How are you?" over and over and over and over, again and again? The sound or sight of those words are like nails on a chalkboard to me now. I dont want to hear them. Saying "Im sorry" is not going to make me feel better, its not going to bring Barry back for the kids and I, its not going to make dealing with life insurance people and hospital bills any easier. It doesnt do anything but annoy me now. And how do you think I am? I just LOST MY HUSBAND. Sorry I cant be Mrs Happy Go Lucky anymore, but Im a WIDOW and IM GRIEVING.

And while Im on the topic, why not say hello instead of just staring at me? Am I that untouchable that I seem contagious? Why not just carry a yard stick with you so you can just poke me when I come too close.

Not everyone has been this way, but I have noticed it. Its hurtful, and frustrating. And if you do know me personally, please, please, think of some other way to talk to me other than saying youre sorry, or asking how I am.

That is all.

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When

I was pondering a few things this morning, most of them beginning with the word "When?"

When do I pack away his stuff?

I do know there is no right or wrong answer to this question. I simply do it when I feel ready. I did have to clean out his truck two weeks ago, and the house was inundated with his belongings. Most of it I have incorporated into the house, like the food he left behind, and his can opener went in the kitchen. Ive taken over his computers, but do I really need 1 PC (mine), his lap top and his Eee PC? I have an extra BlackBerry Tour now, because we both got new phones in August. I also have his iPhone that he cancelled service with in August. Ill probably sell that one. The BlackBerry Ill keep because I have a BAD history with phones, and this one will be backup for me.

But what about his clothes? His blankets we will keep, and his foamy egg shell bed thingies I have in the boys room to put on the kids beds as soon as I remember to do so. I sleep with his pillow between my knees each night, and the last T-shirt he wore is folded up under my pillow.
When I packed up his truck, all the clean and dirty clothes were separated into different bags, but all stuffed into his big green ARMY duffel bag. Theyre still in there, sitting in a corner in my room. I havent opened them in two weeks. I just dont want to deal with it.

All the stuff I had at the hospital for him is still in the bags. The last pair of shorts he wore, the book he was going to read, the chest hair I clipped off his chest after he died, the handful of crumpled up tissues I had when I was crying and saying goodbye, the body wipes he had used to wipe his face off before he died. Little things like that, I just have in the hospital bag. I looked at them this morning, but I havent done that in a LONG time. I dont know what to do with them, do I keep them in the bag, or do I get rid of what I just want to keep? Do I really need to keep the tissues?

What about all the electronics? his DVDs? Ill be calling XM soon and cancelling one subscription, and keeping the other. Im going to switch out our radios because his was the better one. But the other stuff...man, I have 3 blue tooth headsets, countless USB cables, XM antennas, adapter kids for the XM and iPhone/iTouch etc etc. I dont want to keep all that stuff laying around because it is clutter, but it was his.

I thought perhaps I should just go through it all, figure out what I can USE, and what I want to KEEP, and get rid of the rest. But not now, Im not ready for it.

I do need to do it soon though, because my room is overrun with his belongings. Even his fridge is in there because there was nowhere else to put it, as is the power inverter he had too. Theres so much stuff!


When do I stop blogging about him?

Again, I dont know the answer to this one. Honestly, I dont know if I can write about him every single day. Its so hard! Its emotionally exhausting because I think about him all the time. I know you all want to hear about it, but ugh! I dont know how to express myself all the time, every single day, in many different ways. How often do you want to hear how sad I am? Doesnt it get tiring?

I wish I had happy events to write about, that this werent happening. Hes been dead for almost 3 weeks, and I have not missed a day of blogging about him, and how were doing. When is it time to move on from him? or just blogging about him?

Do you want good news? Im making new friends. Yaay Me! That was meant to be sarcastic, if you didnt get that. In all seriousness though, R and C have been fantastic to talk to because they both have been in the same situation as me. I appreciate them so much! R you know you have helped totally distract me ;o) And that is a nice break from the usual day to day thing. And C, has helped me to grieve and just be sad and cry late at night. Its so nice to make new friends, but how desperately I wish it were under other circumstances. However, then we wouldnt have H.C.J. to talk about...hehehe

Enough with the code speak though. Please let me know if you are tired of me blogging about grief. Do you think I should write about other stuff? Or is my writing about grief so good that you want to come back for more? ;o)

Please give me some input, because Im floundering, and not quite sure where to go from here.

Perhaps on Monday I shall talk about my trip to Costco to fill up Frances (the name my freezer was given, lol).

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