3 Ways to Drink More Water

Its hard to believe the difference water can make on the quest to weight loss until youve actually seen the benefits first hand.

The simple tasteless liquid can help your body detoxify, increase metabolism, aid in the absorption of nutrients and prevent overeating! Somehow, despite all the benefits, drinking water is an after thought for some. A lot of people reach for soda, juice or energy drinks before they every fill up a water bottle. The excuse they use, "Water is boring."

Anything thats boring is hard to do. Just like with working, attending class or exercising, if you view drinking water as boring, youre probably not doing it as much as you should.

It is recommended that your water consumption should be half your weight in ounces. For instance, if you weigh 150 pounds, you should be drinking at least 75 ounces of water per day! If youre on the HCG Diet, no matter what you weigh, you should be drinking a half gallon to one gallon of water per day.

If youre anything like I was, this is no easy feat. Switching from soda, juice and energy drinks to water can be a tough transition. But I did it, and you can too!

In the typical day I drink over a gallon of water. Its a piece of cake, seriously... I promise. And since Im such an advocate of drinking water, I thought Id share some tips for people who have a hard time getting in their recommended amount.

1. Develop A System
Come up with a way that you can see how much water you have consumed and how much you still need to consume.

For me I use three or four liter-size Smart Water bottles that sit on my desk at work.
I fill up all the bottles in the morning. Once theyre filled, I drink one entire liter in 10 minutes. After I finish the first liter, I wait to drink the next one until I need to use the restroom. Before I run to the ladies room to tinkle, Ill drink half of the second liter. After I come back I drink the remaining half of the second bottle. I repeat this process with the third and fourth bottles until  the water is gone! Its kind of like a game!

This week I switched out one of the liter bottles for a 50 ounce one as a way to increase my water intake even more. Before 3 p.m. I had already consumed my gallon and then some.

Stick to your system even on the weekends. It will take a few days to get the swing of things but do it enough times and it will be a habit. 

2. Add some fruit
Once you have your system planned, you may need to add some flavor to your water. This can be done a few ways. I like adding lemons, but you can also add strawberries, oranges or grapefruit. Either juice the pieces of fruit or add small slices. Its amazing how much easier drinking water can be if it has just a hint of flavor.

3. Find healthy water-based alternatives
Sometimes you have to ease your way into drinking over a gallon of water. I get it. So here are some drinks I found at Walmart. They were about $1.60 each and they are sweetened with stevia! I havent tried the Lemon Lime, but the Orange flavor was similar to Tang, plus it gave me a bit of an energy boost!

You can also try adding Trulicious flavored stevia. They have 7 flavors that make drinking water deliciously easy.

Once you start drinking water, make it a habit. You will see changes in your energy level, your weight and even your skin.

What are some of the ways you make sure you drink enough water?  

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HOW TO EAT MORE FAT MARKS DAILY APPLE

A great new post from Mark Sisson:

The leaders of the dietary establishment either keeled over or started arming themselves with pitchforks as I wrote that title. (It’s a good day to enjoy the subversion, I think.) On a serious note, let me unpack this worthy question – one I tend to get often: how does one incorporate more fat into a day’s eating? This common inquiry usually comes from someone new to the Primal way of eating; someone that has just started ditching grains and sugars and is having a hard time replacing carbs with the fats they’ve always been told to avoid. And replace, at least in part, they must, or experience the inevitable crankiness and hunger (and possible failure) associated with not eating enough food.

Of all the things we do for our health, I think we all find this to be one of the more enjoyable efforts – at least once we get the hang of it. Go as clean as you can of course – pastured and organic or as close to it as you can obtain and afford. (It ensures better nutrition and fewer toxins.) But let’s not get caught up in details today. I’m ready to dig in. Are you?

Read the rest of the article here to find out Marks take on eating more fat and how to do it.

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More Questions

I realized yesterday after I had written this post that I forgot many of the other questions I have been thinking of.

Perhaps I will never have them answered, but death is a hard thing to find answers for anyway. There is no rhyme or reason to it, its just death. It happens. Just like that saying "Shit Happens", so does death. Its hard for us to even fathom how life just goes on after that one person dies, but it does, it happens, everyone moves on.

To quote my husband:

"I think people fear death because its an inconceivable state of existence. Dying is something we all must do, but nobody can sit around and really explain what its like. Before the day of your birth, you cant possibly know, from a first-hand account, what life on this planet was like. Sure, you can read about it and even watch movies and listen to music made before your birth, but you have no real recollection of what it was like to exist back then. Death will probably end up the same way. The problem is that we cant seem to reconcile with that idea. We just cant wrap our heads around the fact that, after we die, things will continue on without us."

One of the hardest questions I have been thinking about is did he know he was dying? There is one moment I can recall in the hospital room that will forever haunt me, but I just cant share that right now. Im not ready to relive it. Perhaps in time, but I dont think I have told anyone that. Ive kept it tucked away in a little corner in my mind, not even thinking about it myself except in times like this.

I wonder, what was he thinking? Did he know what was happening? What were his last thoughts? Was he scared? I like to think his last thoughts were of me and the kids, but Ill never know unless I see him on the other side. I wish I could comfort him and give him a big hug and tell him its ok to be scared, if he was. Tell him that I will always love him even when he is gone. That Ill always think about him. But then, I did that in the hospital. I did talk to him after he passed, and I did tell him all that and more.

And then I also think to myself, is he aware that he is dead? Is his consciousness still aware or is he just gone? I think maybe he is aware, but thats going into the ghost and orb stuff that I have mentioned before and dont care to get into it right now.

Another question I have is Why did he leave me? I dont want to be angry at him, but I get so frustrated and overwhelmed with what I have been left with. I have seriously never dealt with so much paperwork in my life. Piles of it, and more coming. And then there is the stuff around the house that I havent a clue on how to do...my brother in law had to teach me how to thread the weed eater! I dont know how to fix anything (thank you to Amazon for the books I have on the way for that) either. But perhaps the biggest stress for me is the responsibility. Now I myself am the sole provider and caregiver for our four children and 3 pets. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and it is very heavy. I have to provide financially for the kids and myself. Ill have to buy a house by myself, maintain that house. I have to maintain our vehicle too. I havent the foggiest on how to hook up our entertainment center, so when I do move one day, whos going to do that for me? (I told my sister last night that I would just toss everything, and start from scratch and have the Best Buy guys come do it for me! haha).

Im the one whos going to have to teach the boy all the stuff his daddy wanted to teach him. Im going to have to screen potential boyfriends, lol, for the girls. Im going to have to say to them at all the important milestones in their lives "Your daddy would have been so proud of you", especially when they get married. Im the one whos going to have to say to our grandchildren how awesome and cool he was, and how much he would have loved them. And Im the one whos going to grow old without the love of my life.

Not to throw a hiss fit temper tantrum, but I just dont want to! I dont want to do all this on my own. I want to stomp my foot and yell at him and say "WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME SO UNPREPARED? WHY COULDNT YOU TEACH ME ANYTHING MORE? WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME WHEN YOU LOVE ME SO MUCH?"

So Im not sure if I am angry, I dont feel angry, just frustrated and overwhelmed. I dont want to be mommy and daddy, I want to be mommy and wife and his lover.

I just want him back.

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THE BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS EGGS AND FAT AND MORE FAT

Ill post more details tomorrow about what Ive been eating this past week since returning from the Low Carb Meet & Greet last weekend, but, for now, I wanted to share what my typical breakfast/lunch looks like.  I call it my breakfast/lunch because, although it looks like breakfast, I usually eat it around lunch time, and today is no exception.

In an effort to reduce my protein and increase my fat, Im having to really pile it on!  With a little inspiration from Jimmy Moore, heres the big, yummy and filling recipe:

I start by spreading 1 oz. of organic cream cheese on a sandwich plate.  I use my fingers for the spreading and then I lick my fingers.  I then cut 1 Tbs. of organic butter into little pieces and distribute them on top of the cream cheese.  I use a paring knife for the cutting and then I lick the knife.

In a small mixing bowl, I use a wire whip to whip up 2 Omega-3 eggs, plus one more yolk, 1/8 tsp. sea salt and 1/8 tsp. ground turmeric.  I do not lick the wire whip (salmonella).  I put the eggs into a small pan in which I have melted 1 Tbs. of unrefined, organic coconut oil.  I stir the eggs with a rubber spatula over medium heat until just set and still a little wet.

I put the cooked eggs on top of the cream cheese and butter on the plate, being sure to scrape any oil that is still in the pan onto the plate, which melts the cheese and butter, and then I lick the spatula.  The final touch is dotting the eggs with 1 Tbs. organic sour cream and then licking the spoon.  I even use a spoon to eat my eggs/fat/fat meal because I do not want to leave any of the fatty goodness behind on the plate.  Of course, I cant get it all, so I lick the plate when I am done.

 My goal for the day is to eat 187g of fat (85% of my total calories), 54g of protein and 20 grams of carbs.  Along with this meal, I try to get in some raw veggies to up my carbs.  That way, I am not eating the majority of my carbs at dinner.  This meal gets me started, and I run just fine on it until dinner time, rarely experiencing any hunger.  Here is the breakdown of this meal:

557 calories (not that I really care, but some people are interested in that number)
52.7g fat (85.2%)
18g protein (13%)
2.6g carbs (1.8%)

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So I Couldnt Wait

I guess I got a long enough blogging break, because I have desperately felt the need to blog today. I kept putting it off though, guess I cant anymore.

Lets start off with some happy news. I bought myself a present this past week. Something Ive been lusting after for quite some time, but never bought because Barry always said my other one was good enough. But I have wanted this for a very, very, very long time. So I did it! And I LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

Meet the newest member of my family:

I also got this lens for it:


I thought that with all that has been going on the last month, I deserved a treat. And did I ever treat myself! This baby takes such awesome photos!!! I love love love it! Once things settle down for us a bit, I hope to have some photos up on here that I can share to show the cameras awesomeness.

In other news, Ive been avoiding grief again. Grief didnt like this, so he came over, breaking down my door in the process.

Friday night was the worst I had been feeling in a long time. Imagine whole body wrenching, shuddering sobs of grief. The saddest you could ever be, and multiply it by 100. I couldnt stop crying for at least a half hour. I was so ANGRY, so very very angry that when I was cleaning up before bed, I was throwing things back into the cupboards. I actually dont think I have cried that hard at all this past month. Yeah, I cried in the hospital, but mostly I was in shock. I screamed and yelled and got angry in the hospital. I cried with my family. But I was in shock for a long time. Getting out that sadness really helped though, I felt better after I cried and spoke to my sister. I think its something I am going to have to do a bit more often.

I still have moments where I feel panicky. Ive had that a lot this weekend, and its probably because of what happened friday night. The grief keeps coming back bit by bit, and then I panic because I am afraid to feel that pain again. I would akin it to an anxiety attack, yet without the tightening of the chest. I get so scared!

Being without Barry is something I can handle. I think. I certainly dont like it, but then, who would? At least I am used to it. That is when the fear sneaks in though, when I think I am OK, but am not really. I KNOW I CAN do this without him, but Im scared to be without him. Its even hard to look at his pictures. It hurts to remember. I havent done any remembering lately at all. Might be time for me to pull out those journals I bought a month ago, and write it all down. One thing I am having trouble with though, is remembering Barrys memories. I know a lot of them, and I want to remember them for the kids. But what do I write down? do I write down the good and the bad? just the good? Do the kids need to remember the bad? I dont want to forget ANYTHING.

Scared, frightened, horrified, worried, distressed, terrified, dismayed, despair, disheartened, . Those are all words I can use to describe how I am feeling.

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One Year Ago

Ok, lets face it.  Obviously I am in no mood to write right now, or I would have done sooner. Especially since I am leaving this to the last minute, it being 11:30 at night here in Florida.

First things first, we made it into Orlando on time and safely on wednesday morning.  We were able to check into our room early, and have been going full steam since then.  Were having a great time!  Wednesday when we got here, we went swimming in the afternoon, and then had dinner and headed to the Magic Kingdom for a few hours.  Thursday we got up early and went there all day.  We covered half of the park, and went back to the hotel.  Friday we spent at Epcot, and did most everything except Soarin and Test Track, and Club Cool.  Saturday brought us to Animal Kingdom, where we did everything again, except for the Lion King show which the kids did not want to see. And today the kids and I slept in, ate lunch, went swimming, and back to Epcot for a couple hours.  Missed all three things I mentioned above, but we will hit those up Tuesday early morning.  Tomorrow we are off to Hollywood studios!

Today I felt like a horrible wife and mother, and still feel a bit guilty.  I had plans to do a balloon release with the kids, and also light a candle for Barry that I brought a long, but I forgot to do both of them.  Weve been so busy that it completely slipped my mind. So tomorrow, albeit a day late, we will do both.  I dont think Barry would mind, because he would want, no INSIST, that we go out and have fun and not be sad.  And we are, depsite sore feet and being exhausted.

I was remarking on facebook today how different my life is no than it was a year ago.   A year ago today, I woke up in my old house, in my old bed, with a husband very much alive and ready to come home in a few days. I had no idea he would die.  Today I woke up in a strange bed, in FLORIDA, in a Walt Disney World Resort.  Never in my wildest dreams did I expect this to happen, ever. But I have to say, that NONE of this is at all possible without Barry. I  could not do it without him.  All of what we have now is possible because of him.

Ive passed the one year mark.  This year has flown by so incredibly fast.  I remember thinking to myself shortly after he died how I never thought I would get to this point.  How far away it seemed.  Yet, here I am.  Still Standing.  A few more grey hairs.  80+ lbs less on my body.  A new house, a new vehicle, MANY many new friends.  And yes, its all a little hard to stomach sometimes.  Id love to have my old life back.  I know I will never get that though, so its pointless to even dream or think about it too much because it really NEVER will happen, ever.

So now I have to start the 2nd year, and I hope it will be easier.  I was scared for today, Id been psyching myself up for it because it is such a HUGE milestone.  Perhaps life will get easier for me.  I can only wish.  I miss Barry so much sometimes, wish he was here to love, to talk to, to just be with, and laugh at stupid fart jokes.

This post may seem disjointed, I forced myself to write it.  Not realy feeling it today, which I know is my sub concious trying to avoid everything.  Im in total vacation mode and want to get back to doing that.  So with that I will end this post.  I wish I had had more to say about Barry, but I just dont want to talk about him. Not to be disrespectful or anything, but I just do not want to right now.  Im afraid it will make my vacation too sad.  I dont know....

Im starting to nod off writing this and need to hit "publish post" before midnight.  Otherwise Ill really feel like a failure if it doesnt post on the 10th.

Barry, I love you.  I miss you, and I know youre happy for us for this vacation.  Im sorry i forgot to light the candle and let the balloons go, but youd be happy knowing were off living our life instead of being too sad.  We all miss you and love you.  Ill see you in my dreams darling.  xoxoxoxop

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New Cell Phone

Not really a new one, but I am using Barrys cell phone.  It has sat practically unused since his death, gathering dust in my nightstand drawer.  

Since my blackberry was about to die, and I kept getting error messages, I knew I had to get a new phone, or else switch.  I really didnt feel like spending the $100 on a new blackberry when the one I had in my drawer was next to new.  We got these phones in August of 2009, and Barry used it for only 6 weeks before he died.  I had it on for the month of October, and then I had it deactivated.

I wanted to keep his phone the way it was, but really, what good is it doing just sitting there? It is practically brand new, has barely been used, and I needed a new phone.  So yesterday I made the switch, and put all my stuff on his phone and re-activated it.  It felt kind of strange though, I completely wiped everything of his off the phone and made it my own.

Is that wrong of me? I felt a little guilty doing it, like I should have saved it as is for posteritys sake.  As I was talking to the Verizon agent on the phone as she walked me through everything, I told her he would say to me "just use it already, its going to waste".  So I did.  And saved myself $100 in the process.  Plus, my contract with Verizon hasnt been renewed and I can cancel anytime I want.  Not that I will, because I am quite happy with them, but its nice knowing that I can if I want.

I know its only a cell phone, but it took me a  year and a half to do this.  What does it mean for me? That I am one step closer to healing? Kind of silly if you think about it I guess.

Its just a damn phone, and I needed one.

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One More Step

Awhile ago, I wrote about what to do with some of the items I had left from Barry and our life together.  Among the items, I had roses from his funeral, roses he gave me, our bed and our Christmas tree.

Today I got rid of the last item, and let me tell you, it felt freeing.

In January, James and I got rid of the bed and the Christmas tree during one of our multiple trips to goodwill.  I did keep the middle finial piece (or however you spell that) from the headboard.  And today I threw the roses away in the trash.  But not before I took some pictures of them as a reminder.

This first bouquet is actually two bouquets of roses that Barry gave me, 

but I dont know how long Ive actually had them.  I just couldnt get rid of them 

till now

This last bouquet is roses from the funeral.  My good friend Lisa did the flowers

for me, and I actually had tulips in the arrangement too.  Roses and Tulips because

those were the only flowers he ever bought me. 

I really didnt feel the need to keep the flowers anymore.  They were just sitting in my closet on the top shelf gathering dust.  But you know, I am glad they are gone right now.  I feel a sense of peace about it, like Ive taken one more step towards healing.  I dont know that I will ever heal, but I would think it is pretty rare to heal from the death of a spouse anyway.  Regardless, I am glad I did it, and that it was when I felt ready to do so.

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6 Months Later Still Maintaining

Its been over six months since Ive finished doing the HCG Diet. In the last six months Ive moved, started a new relationship, gone through counseling to address my emotional eating, and started school again. Despite all the stress, late nights, and emotional ups and downs, Im maintaining my weight loss within a reasonable threshold of about 5 pounds. :) Wooohoo. 

There have been times when I have a rough week, a long trip, too many dates to Olive Garden, or too many last minute stops for food, resulting in a gain that puts me past my 5 pound threshold, but no matter what happens. I get back on track, whether its the next day or the next week I always get back on track..I have to do it. Partly out of pride but mostly because I never want to go back to the girl I was. 

Who was that girl? Well, it is throw back Thursday.... so let me refresh your memory. 

Wasnt a fan that this got taken...

An awkward photo shoot with my cousin hahaha oooh college fun

Senior Year Dance in High School

Roommate Photo Shoot

At my heaviest weight (at least to my knowledge) I weighed 285.6 pounds. To put that in perspective I weighed more than most NBA power forwards. In fact, I weighed what Andrew Bynum weighs and hes  seven feet tall. Me? Im 54 on a good day.

 I was completely stubborn about my weight. I shut down all conversations about it with concerned family members, I avoided going to places that it might come up. I put on a front and decided to take on the role of that funny fat friend, and even though I was laughing externally, I wasnt happy. 

Looking back on photos is definitely strange. I know its me, it just doesnt fee like it. It doesnt feel like I was ever that big, or even that unhappy. But when I really look at the pictures, and I look in my eyes in the photo Im reminded of how insecure I felt. How incomplete. For instance, in the bowling picture, I was going through a rough time living away from home. I was lonely and homesick and entertaining two friends from high school who came to visit. I was so nervous for them to show up that I spent half of my check on new clothes but was still worried that when they saw me, their first thought would be, "My God, shes gotten fat." 

Eventually, feeling insecure got old.

It took me nearly 10 years to decide to lose weight, but it only took me 293 days to lose it, and when I say "it" I mean 100 pounds. I went from 285.6 pounds and to 185.6. Now, 6 months after losing 100 pounds Im still sticking with the healthy habits Ive learned. When I stepped on the scale today I weighed in at 187.2. :) Only 1.6 pounds up from my ending weight of 185.6. As long as Im within the 5 pound threshold (or under it), Im happy.

I maintain my weight by eating mostly fruits, veggies and protein. Ive been running 3-6 times a week to help keep my metabolism going. When I do have those weeks where I gain too much, I always remind myself  that whatever happens today, tomorrow is a fresh start. 

This whole experience has been amazing. Ive loved how the HCG Diet has taught me how to eat healthier. Ive loved how Ive learned to love my body. Ive loved learning to enjoy running (I never saw that coming). 

I only have one regret when it comes to my weight loss journey: I wish I had started it sooner. 

Thanks for all of the support and the love! Heres to six more months of maintaining. 

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So No More Grief Support

I suppose I realized long ago that we were ready to be done with it, but it wasnt until yesterday that I really felt OK with stopping.

Our last session was actually at the end of January, and I told our group that we would be missing the February 14th session due to it being Valentines day, and I wanted to spend it with James.  The time after that I had to skip because gas prices were rising, and I couldnt afford it that week.  It is a 45 minute drive for us one way, so that uses up a lot of gas.  The last session we missed was earlier this month, and we were all set to go, but then my son M woke up with a 102 fever that day, so no more grief support.

Yesterday was another session (they run every other week, twice a month), but I was dreading the drive.  I really dont like driving that far on a school night because we dont get home till 9PM, and then the kids still have to shower.  I asked the three older kids why they liked going, and their first answers were because they "like playing in the gym".  That pretty much answered my question on whether or not we should continue.

When I told them that we would be no longer attending after last night, they werent too terribly upset. My plan was to go so we could say our goodbyes and have one last session.  But then we landed up not going anyway because Kid #3, E, wasnt done her science fair project on time and it was due today.  So we stayed home.

And were done with it.

And I feel OK.

I actually feel like there is a huge weight off my shoulders because I dont feel obligated to go anymore.  We have been in Grief Support continuously since Barry passed away, so we have gone a LONG time.  Its OK to be relieved to be closing that chapter right? We really do feel OK right now, and we are doing really well.  In two weeks it will be 18 months ago that Barry passed away, and while I feel we really dont need that constant support anymore, I know that there will still be moments of sadness, anger and crying.  And that is OK, I know that.  And I am prepared for the fact that the kids and I may need additional counseling later on in life, but for now we dont need it anymore

Were moving on.

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Time to move on

Well my dear friends, family, and readers, time has come for me to end this blog.  I will do one last post, on October 10th, to mark the 2 year anniversary of Barrys passing, but that will be the last one on this blog.  I will be starting up a new one, so if you are interested, please contact me and I will let you know when it is up and running.

I just feel that I am moving away from this.  The identity I had with this blog was of Barrys wife, the mother of his children, the woman that posted tons of recipes and crafts, the woman that then watched her husband die in front of her eyes, and lastly...Barrys widow.

I will always be Barrys widow, my widowhood will always be with me, and I will identify as a widow for the rest of my life.  Moving forward wont change who I am, and what I have experienced.  But, I want to start a new blog as Joanna.  The single widowed mom of four children, 2 dogs, and two cats.  I dont want a blog that involves Barry as the main subject, I want a blog about ME and my kids.  I love to write, and I can write well, but this blog feels stifling to me.

I am going to write about Barrys death for you all.  You have all been such wonderful amazing followers, and supported me through my darkest times.  But that will be my last post here, and I will also have my new blog information for you all by then.

Thank you so much for all your support, especially during the last two years of my life.

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How to Drink More Water to Lose More Weight

When I first decided to lose weight, my method of hydration consisted mostly of diet soda and milk. I wasnt getting in the the necessary water to help my body function well, even on a good day.  Fast forward a year later and one hundred pounds slimmer, water is a critical part of my day and my old habits of milk and diet soda are nearly non-existent.

Now, I know that we always hear that we should drink water to help us lose weight, but is there research behind it? The short answer is yes. A study from Dr. Brenda Davy, that was published in the Journal of the American Dietetic, showed that people who drink two glasses of water 20-30 minutes before each meal actually lost more weight in the beginning and a greater amount of weight overall than people who didnt drink the water. Read more about this research on CNN Health.

Heres my thinking, water helps us feel full because it occupies space in our stomach. If we drink it before a meal, when were ready to eat we dont have that starving feeling that triggers our brains to overeat. So when you are on a diet that restricts your calories, it only makes sense that you take full advantage of this system.

I lost all my weight using the HCG Diet. The HCG protocol requires you to drink at least a gallon of water each day but Ive noticed that drinking a bit more than a gallon more helps me lose more weight.

I know what youre thinking, "I know why we need to drink water, but it tastes so boring, Lowery!" Yup, I get it. Ive been there. Like I said, I mostly drank soda or milk. But now I rarely even want to drink anything besides water. So while it may be difficult to start drinking water, once that habit is formed, your body begins to crave water. To make the tasteless substance easier to get down in the beginning, I would add flavor by putting in lemons or mint leaves. Eventually it got to the point that I didnt need those things.

Heres how this drinking water thing is going to work for you:

Step One: Get a gallon jug. I picked mine up from a gas station for about a buck and I refill it every morning. By buying the jug, you arent refilling bottles up every hour and you can track how much you drink easily.

Step Two: Set reminder or alarms on your phone or write them on a jug to drink 1/4 of the water before breakfast, 1/4 of the jug after breakfast, 1/4 of the jug before lunch, 1/4 of the jug after lunch. Boom, a gallon. Then fill your gallon up a little more and sip on that through dinner time.

Step Three: Keep your jug next to you at all times. If you get thirsty drink from the jug (it makes it easier to track). You can drink more than 1/4 at a time if you want to, but it helps some people to space it out.

Step Four: I prefer to chug my water, but some people prefer to sip. Whichever way you do it just make sure you get the 1/4 in before you meals.

See! Its pretty straight forward. Ill be honest, the first couple weeks youll have to pee like crazy but after awhile your trips to the bathroom become less frequent. Plus, not only will the water help your appetite, but it help prevent breakouts and dry skin! Win-Win.

How do you make sure you stay hydrated?

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Two More Sleeps!!

Well in Barrys own words, "The shits about to hit the fan".

Two days and counting. Two more sleeps left in this house!

Today I was at the new house because the bulk of my furniture was being delivered. I had a sectional, a couch, an end table, two coffee tables, a chest of drawers and a dresser delivered. Still coming in the next month is my night stand, mirror and arm chair. Props to Macys because they came ON TIME and were out of the house by 10AM!! I was incredibly impressed with them.

What I am not impressed with is the way the furniture is arranged. My friends and I have some re-arranging to do, because I dont like the flow of the living room. The TV stand and TV are not centered with the TV and it looks "off", so that will be something we have to work on.

My sister and a mutual friend were over yesterday and cleaned out (almost) my entire kitchen, save for a few cupboards and the fridge. All of the kitchen is packed (and unpacked in the new house) except for a few minor things. I hadnt seen my sissy poo since December, so it was nice to visit with her and Suzy. We drank too much wine, and laughed and cried about everything. We were sad to see them leave last night, but well see them again soon.

Yesterday I was also blessed to receive an email from my MOPS group coordinator. I have a bevy of ladies coming over tomorrow to help me pack up the rest of the house! Theyll also be helping me clean this place out. I just about cried when I saw that email, what a blessing they have been to me this year, especially in the last 6 months since Barry passed.

Ive been wanting to talk about how Im feeling lately, but I just dont have the words right now. More in depth blog posts will be coming soon about that, I just cant do it right now. Im still struggling, and still having trouble believing he is dead sometimes, feeling like I am in a dream. With moving and all that that entails, its just too much to get into my emotions right now.

That being said, I think this will be my last blog post from this house! I do have one scheduled for Friday morning, a goodbye post to this house, that will post automatically. My internet wont be hooked up till Saturday sometime, so I will be absent for a few days. I hope everyone has a fantastic Easter weekend! Think of us in the next few days as we deal with all the chaos that moving entails, and leave this house and move into our new one without Barry.

Happy Easter!

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13 More Days

If you havent been through an emotional trauma like I have, you probably dont know how your body reacts to it.

After Barry passed, I ate...but I didnt really eat.  I didnt snack, I ate my small meals, I didnt get pleasure out of eating. I lost a LOT of weight in the first couple months, it was literally pouring off of me.  Ive kept up with the weight loss since then, very slowly albeit, but Ive managed to lose about 80lbs since a year ago.

Now that the one year anniversary is a mere 13 days away, it finally hit me this morning that my body is going through the same thing. Food is starting to lose its appeal to me, and I am losing the desire to eat. I get hungry, but nothing is appetizing to me at all. I know I am hungry right now, and I had a yoplait light yogurt for breakfast, but thats all I can stomach. I just dont want to eat.  So I drink water.

                     *disclaimer* yes I still eat, but i only eat because I have to, not because I want to. I dont eat a lot.

For quite some time after Barry died, food had no taste to me.  I ate so much yogurt because it was the only thing I could stomach. Everything tasted like sand.  Food is starting to taste like sand again.

I am very angry right now, and a bucket of tears.  I think I have cried every day since the beginning of the month.  I feel like my life is in a jumble, a snake pit...everything writhing around and you cant tell where something begins and ends.  Plus, add in the chaos of getting ready for our trip, and that just makes a whole big hot mess.

Tonight starts our next grief support group, and I am so looking forward to it.  Despite the fact that it takes up 4 hours of my monday nights twice a month, I love it. I get to be with people that have been what I have been through.  I need this support.

We leave for Florida in a mere eight days. Next Tuesday night we will be getting on a plane and escaping life for two weeks. I can not wait.  I hope that this vacation is a break for us, that I will get somewhat of a chance to recharge (yes, I know I said recharge and I am going to Florida by myself for two weeks with four kids, but it WILL be a good vacation), and get a grasp on my life.  I can sit by the pool and read while the kids play.  I can ride space mountain. I can eat a smoked turkey leg.  I can have a beer in Epcot Germany in remembrance of my darling husband.  I can go to Hogwarts and Hogsmeade village in Universal Orlando and remark to the kids how much their daddy would have loved it, how in his element he would have been. I will put my feet in the Atlantic Ocean, I will go to Nasa and stare in awe. And I will have a good time, I will get a tan, and I will come back wishing I could stay forever.

I need this vacation, I need to get away from my snake pit of a life.  I need to be happy, if just for two weeks.

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A Poem For Barry

This poem was in the guest book I picked out for the funeral. I really do like it, so I wanted to share it with you all. It was read at his funeral, and I also read it to all the people in my Grief Works group when I did my talk about Barry. I had lost the guest book, and just found it over the weekend when I unpacked a box. I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief when I saw that little white cardboard box that it was enclosed in.

When I Must Leave You

When I must leave you

For a little while

Please do not grieve

And shed wild tears

And hug your sorrow to you

Through the years,

But start out bravely

With a gallant smile;

And for my sake

And in my name

Live on and do

All things the same,

Feed not your loneliness

On empty days,

But fill each waking hour

In useful ways,

Reach out your hand

In comfort and in cheer

And I in turn will comfort you

And hold you near;

And never, never

Be afraid to die,

For I am waiting for you in the sky!

Helen Steiner Rice

I found it incredibly amazing that whenever I need him, hes always there. I find little glimpses of him when I am missing him, or even when I least expect it, completely unaware that I need him, and then he just shows up.

When I was the funeral home, I didnt even put two and two together, but re-reading this poem, it is exactly what Barry would say to me. He would tell me to go on, do things and make something of myself, rather than sitting around and be mopey and lonely. He would say "get off your ass Joanna! Go clean my house!", or something along those lines. He doesnt, and wouldnt want me to sit around and dwell on what isnt is anymore. Barry would insist I get on with my life, and be there for the kids and myself, and he would want us to live and be happy.

Barry speaks to me in little ways at the most random times. This also happened when I found two letters he wrote me. The last letter he wrote me was actually written just over two years ago, January 2008, after he gave me my locket. Perhaps I will share that sometime. I dont know why, but I truly believe that he is still here with us, and he speaks to me when he knows I need encouragement. I cant hear his voice, but in the words he wrote with his own hand, or a poem I picked out for him, I can hear him in my head encouraging me, talking to me, telling me how proud he is of me, and how much he loves me.

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One More Milestone Come and Gone

Today marked As first day of kindergarten!!

I had mixed emotions the whole day because I just wasnt sure what all this would bring, what emotions I would feel, would I cry or not.  And the truth is, it was a little hard for me, and I did cry a little bit this morning.  But she did SO well, and she absolutely LOVED it.  I am incredibly glad that it went well for her.

A is my baby, and I always knew this day would be hard because Id be essentially sending her off into the world.  As we drove to school, I told her how much I would miss her, and she told me she didnt want me to cry.  But I did a little bit as I said goodbye to her at school.  I missed her.  She has been my little sidekick since she was born, and has spent the most time with me by herself than any of the other kids did.  I took loads of pictures of her at school, and of all the kids this morning, as is tradition in this house!

What really bothered me is that Barry missed this.  One more milestone, come and gone without him.  It hurts, and it stings to see the other dads there with their wives, picking up the kids or dropping them off for their first day.  I wish I could take that away from her.  I did tell her however, that daddy would be SO proud of her, and that he was in her heart today with her as she started school (2nd time that my eyes welled up today!).  He would have loved to be there for her...It just breaks my heart that he missed such an important day for her.

And as I type this, I find my eyes welling up again, for the fourth time today actually.  Wishing so badly I could tell Barry about her first day of school, send him the pictures.  Tell him that the twins are in 5th grade!!! FIFTH GRADE already!! That just blows my mind...and E already in 4th.   That three of our children are the tallest in their classes, and quite possibly grades too.  He would be beaming from ear to ear, he loved our kids so much.

I just wish I could tell him.

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