Miss Me

I miss you guys too, but this week has been crazy! I havent had time to blog at all, but I will be getting a post up SOON. I promise. Ill do it this weekend.

Ive been very very distracted this week and I havent been able to even think of what to write, or even when to write it.

Come back soon!

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I miss Barry

I was sitting here tonight on my new couch, in my new living room, watching TV on my new TV, when everything kind of hit me again.

Things have settled down somewhat here in our new home. Were basically unpacked, save for a few boxes in my room and one in the living room, and all the pictures need to be hung yet, as well as the garage (which is a complete mess). The house is awesome and I love it, and I am finally starting to realize that its my house.

But something is missing.

Its Barry.

Tonight while I was sitting here, I just started to cry because it all hit me again. I have been so busy the last few weeks with moving and unpacking, and our vacation, that I had no time to think. And now that things have calmed down a bit, my brain starts wandering and thoughts creep into my head that Ive tried so hard to avoid. I cant even think straight right now and feel like my writing is all jumbled.

I was thinking about him and had a hard time again realizing that he was dead. Like maybe, just maybe, he was just working and not at home as per usual. Because you know, husbands and daddies dont die suddenly without warning. They dont leave behind a wife of 10 years and four young children. They just dont die, because that never happens...thats not real life. Husbands dont die, they just dont.

Unfortunately, thats not true. They do die without warning. And their death changes your life forever.

Apart from still needing to accept Barrys death, I still havent fully accepted this new life. I dont like being thrust from one life into a brand new one, being forced to accept everything against my will. Some people have exhibited jealousy towards me, jealous that I have new furniture, a new house, etc etc, but Id give it all back if I could. I really honestly would give it up just to have him back. I want my old life back, I want my old routines, I want my husband, I want my daily phone calls and text messages. I just want my old life back. I look around my house and think to myself, "how is this my life?"

Ive had to go from one life with all these plans, to a new life full of uncertainty. Now instead of Barry and I and the kids, its just Me and the kids. I have to figure out the future for us, without him. It scares me. Eventually I will have to get a job, or go back to school and figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Honestly, I feel like Ive just graduated high school again, and have to figure out where my life is taking me, except now I have 4 kids, a dog and two cats, and a mortgage and a mini van. What 18 year old has that? wait, Im not 18...Im 29 and have all that.

The kids and I are proof that life can change in a heartbeat. Just over 6 months ago we were a happy family of 6, with plans to move to PA this summer, and a husband that was getting 4.0 gpa and on the Deans list at his University. Then literally, with one heartbeat...that life is gone. Barrys heart beat one last time, it came to a shuddering halt, and then our lives ended. A new life was born, and we have had to accept it as best as we can, and just keep on keepin on. Weve had no choice BUT to move forward. .

This post is a hot mess, and Im sorry if it was hard to read. I felt like I had a million thoughts going through my head tonight as I wrote it.

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Goodbye For Good Old House

I have had such a busy week, and included in that was the move-out inspection at the old house. It seemed like every time I tried to leave that house, something always kept me coming back. Either it was trash pick up in the yard, getting the grass mowed, having to do a last cleaning, or being there when the carpets were cleaned. It was tiring to be completely honest, and I was happy to see Friday afternoon finally come.

I was expecting that the move out inspection would be extremely difficult, emotional...

And it really wasnt. I got a little teary eyed, but that was it. I really did feel ok when I said "goodbye". The landlord walked out of the house before me, so I took a glance around and quietly whispered "goodbye" under my breath as I shut the door behind me for the very last time.

It is quite surreal knowing that the last chapter in our lives has finally closed. This new house, which I have been looking forward to for so long is finally "it", our home. I started this new house journey in January, and here we are at the end of April and its DONE. All done. And now we start the newest chapter in our lives: new beginnings, new memories, a new life.

Im looking forward to it!

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The Most Magical Place On Earth

Can you guess where Im headed with this?

M I C K E Y M O U S E!!!

The kids and I need to get away. We need a distraction from life in general, where we can just focus on having FUN, and doing exciting things. We need something to look forward to.

Honestly, I was seriously considering going the Europe route. Barry and I always wanted to take the kids back when they were older. Id love to do that now, but honestly, I dont think that the kids would enjoy it very much. And A being dragged around London and Paris and Germany at 4 years old? no thanks. Thats a melt down waiting to happen. As much as I would love, love, LOVE to do that, I just cant right now. The kids wouldnt appreciate it as much as I would like them too, so that will be on hold for a few years. That way I can also ask my nomadic brother to come with us. Ill want to take the kids to all of our old haunts in Germany, see as much of England/Ireland/Scotland that we can, and also go to France and maybe even Prague. So you can see why that will be hard with all the kids, at this age especially.

So Disneyland it shall be. I cant go during May, because thats when the kids have their WASL testing. Our spring break isnt until the first week in April, but Im thinking Disneyland will be too busy then. So my other options are between the 22nd and 26th of March, not including weekends (Early release week because of Conferences), and then the last week of March right before Spring Break, and then I would keep them out for two weeks. Anyone thats gone, when is a good time to go? Ive always found Easter break to be easy too, which is when I went as a young kid and it was never too busy.

I am craving some time away. I just want to leave to be completely honest. I want a break. No, I dont want, I NEED a break. We just need to get away and have fun! Go to Disneyland, go to Disneys California Adventure, Knotts Berry Farm, do all that fun stuff.

So my task for you is this...help me plan! Give me advice on the trip, EVERYTHING about Disneyland that you can. Money is not really an object, Im not worried about that. Im planning on splurging a bit anyway, as this will be a first plane trip vacation for the kids.

Any help you can give me would be much appreciated.

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