Worst Kid Event Ever

Today I met some friends, and we took our kids to the Christmas Tree Forest, which is put on by the hospital here in town.

Never again.

It was an awful, stressful afternoon.

The only good parts were seeing Jason and his family, and Polly and her daughter. I dressed all the kids in red as well because I suspected that Santa would be there and I wanted to get pictures of them with him. Thankfully those turned out, for the most part, but it was hot, crowded, and tiring. A had TWO melt downs, and managed to smudge her cute Santa face painting in the process.

The afternoon was capped off with junior booty dancers. Now, Im not against dance classes, and I think theyre great for kids. But the costumes? OMG they were way too sexy for little girls! Even the teens! I was not impressed at all. And lets not even get started on the dancing....yikes! Since when does hip gyrating and revealing clothing belong at a Christmas event where were looking at Christmas trees? Wow PSP, you really outdid yourself this time!

We had had about enough at this point, the kids were cranky, it was really loud, and my back hurt from everything I was carrying around. We said our goodbyes to Jason and Lindsay, and then I took the kids into the lobby to try a few more pictures. That was just as bad! I took the photos as best as I could, but A would NOT look at the camera, so I had the boy hold her face still, but that didnt work at all. V looked bored in most of the pictures too. Having enough of that crap, I just decided to call it a day.

When I got home, I noticed that E and A both had smudged faces from their face paint. As was from crying and rubbing her cheeks, but E looked like she had eaten dirt! Oh well, it will make for a nice photo collage on the Christmas card, and well laugh at it later, lol.

At least it was a nice distraction from reality, and kept us occupied for an afternoon. The last couple days have been full of activity, and I am thankful for that. I havent had to do too much grieving lately, though Thanksgiving was pretty hard for me, especially since I didnt hear from any family either except from my sister and mom.

Now that Christmas is looming, I cant help but wonder how we are going to feel this holiday season. Will it be hard for us on Christmas, or will we be ok because we will have family there? Honestly, Im not not as worried about Christmas as I am for our 10th Anniversary, which is four days later. I plan to have us out all day, doing something.

I just dont want to have to think about it.

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Blueberry Muffins A Coping Mechanism

While eating breakfast this morning with the kids, I was reminded of Barry again all because of a Blueberry muffin.

Ok, let me back track a little bit. First off, I have a Costco membership thanks to my friend Mimi. Secondly, I love Costco muffins, especially blueberry and poppy seed/almond. I bought some a couple weeks ago, but froze the rest as we couldnt finish them. Today for breakfast the kids wanted a muffin, so I said yes and pulled some out of the freezer.

As we were eating, and enjoying those delicious muffins, my youngest daughter was complaining about her blueberries. I dont know why, shes 3.5...its her age. She complains about anything that strikes her fancy. I was telling her how she loved blueberries, and she always has, ever since she was a baby. They were her favorite fruit. But as I was telling her how much she did like them, I was struck with the memory of how Barry would say Blueberry.

Blu-burr-ee.

He actually adopted this way of saying it from one of his favorite XM Radio Personalities. I cant remember if it was Opie or Anthony, one of the two. Blueberries were Barrys favorite fruit too. He really didnt like the taste of fruit, but was a blueberry eating fool. Actually, this past summer the kids and I were picking LOADS of blueberries, almost 40lbs, and my freezer is still full of berries, a pie, and a few blueberry buckles. He ate a lot of it while he was home in August actually, he loved his Blueberry Pie and Blueberry Buckle. Barry always thought it was funny to say it like that, I can even hear his voice saying it in my head. Blu-burr-ee.

As soon as I remembered this, I pushed it from my mind. I couldnt even bring myself to tell the kids, even though it was funny, because it was a memory.

What is wrong with me? I cant handle the memories. Im afraid to remember, but Im also afraid that I will forget if I dont remember. What happens if I dont write all the memories down? Will they fade with time, or will they just pop up like they did this morning? its too hard for me to write things down unless Im blogging about it, though I cant blog about every single memory. Some of them are too sad, some are too private, and its too hard to write about it, even in a journal in list form.

Is this my mind subconsciously making me cope? By making me not ready to write things down? Or is it just biding its time and waiting for me to be ready?

I wish I knew.

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