Should I Allow Myself a Cheat Meal

If youve been sticking to a strict diet for a long period of time, you might be toying with the idea of taking a

day off. In the health and wellness world, this is commonly referred to as having a cheat meal or a free meal. There are benefits to having cheat meals. Mentally, cheat meals are a good break. Cheat meals can also help you develop healthier attitudes towards food by showing you that one bad meal wont completely destroy your progress. Before you jump off your routine and into a day of indulgence, you should know that cheat meals arent for everyone. Heres what you need to know about cheat meals.

What is a Cheat Meal

When we think of cheat meals, we typically thinking of indulging in foods that we normally wouldnt eat. But theres more to a cheat meal than eating whatever you want. A cheat meal needs to be three things: planned, portioned, and practical.

Planned - Cheat meals dont happen because you accidentally messed up. Cheat meals are meals you planned for and have looked forward to. Planning you cheat meals ahead of time gives you something to look forward to.

Portioned - While cheat meals are an opportunity to eat foods that you normally wouldnt, they arent an excuse to binge. Dont eat a whole bag of chips, eat a small bowl full. Dont eat multiple full-size entrees, pick a sampler and have a little bit of everything. You can still enjoy yourself without over eating.

Practical - You should go into a cheat meal knowing your restrictions and knowing that it might be tough getting back on track the next day. Allowing yourself a cheat meal isnt permission to eat everything youve been craving all at once. Cheat meals are only successful if you understand that it is a temporary break from thinking about your diet regimen. That break ends as soon as your cheat meal does.

Should You Allow Yourself a Cheat Meal?

So how do you know if a cheat day is for you? Well that depends on how you answer the next question: Are you a binge eater? If you answered no, then you definitely should give the cheat meal a try if you are trying to vary your eating program. Many people follow the 80/20 rule. Which means that they stick to their program 80 percent of the time and then the other 20 percent they allow themselves to eat more liberally. So to put this in perspective, if you eat 3 meals per day, 21 meals per week, you should be eating 17 of those meals following your program, and allow yourself 4 meals of food you dont normally eat. 

 Now, if you answered yes to my earlier question about binge eating, then I recommend being extremely careful before you let yourself have a cheat day. If you have a hard time controlling your portions when you have a free day, or if having more options is a trigger for binge eating, cheat meals will not be in the best interest of your or your program. One cheat meal wont set you back, but if having a cheat meal triggers a 3 day binge, it will set you back and its not worth it. Recovering from a binge takes a lot out of you mentally and emotionally. If your past experiences with food have left you feeling out of control or a little bit crazy for food, youll want to stick to your routine as much as possible. 

Ultimately the decisions of having a cheat meal is up to you. From personal experience I know that one cheat meal usually turns into a binge, Thats the type of eater I am. I have a hard time eating indulgent foods in limited quantities. Being able to recognize that helps me realize that I will be successful doing the things that help me feel focused and in control.

Do you allow yourself cheat meals? 

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3 Week Diet Review 2015 – Does It Really Work

The 3 week diet plan is a science-based weight loss program that guarantees a user to lose 12-23 lbs. of body weight in only 21 days. The primary creator of this unique weight-reduction program is Brian Flatt who is a sports nutritionist, head coach and personal trainer and has worked for many years in his specialised area. He has taught several of his followers to effectively lose stubborn fat and also build powerful muscle. The 3 Week Diet Plan is a special online 95-page ebook divided into many segments such as exercise, diet, motivation, mind-set and will power. Some of these segments include the following:

1. The Introduction Manual – This manual is composed of 43 pages and it contains usual information and know-how about the different weight-loss methods and factors.
2. Diet Manual – The diet manual is comprised of 22 pages and explains about the 4 phases of the complete diet Program and some useful tips for fast results.
3. Workout Manual – This segment of the guide is made from 17 pages in total. As the name suggests, this manual describes about the significance of full body workout. It lays down specific instructions and rules of carrying out exercises for weight loss such as walk, warm ups, and consistency. Some other effective workouts like the goblet squat, ab blasters and bent-over row are explained in this segment of the guide.
4. Mindset and Motivation Manual – This segment consists of 13 pages and includes important tips to strengthen your will power, create a new mindset to lose weight effectively and keep a track of those initiatives.

What is 3 Week Diet System?

The 3 week Diet is a unique dietary plan made for all those users who are serious about losing stubborn fat through changes in their diet. It is a 96 page guide created by its creator Brian Flatt who says that the users can lose 10-20 pounds of body weight in just three weeks or so. It is not a very strict dieting regime that is not too time consuming or very difficult to follow. Brian Flatt is a famous sports nutritionist and health coach who created the three week diet plan after 12 years of research. Several users have tried this scientifically proven weight loss system and have reaped sweet benefits out of it.

Brian Flatt has a degree in biology from San Diego State University and he has been in the fitness industry since the 90’s. Brian is the owner of Rev Fitness that is based in Southern California. Getting started with the three Week Diet System is very simple. All you need to do is to make the payment online to the official website of this system and begin downloading the manuals and related material. First, calculate your personalized diet schedule according to your body requirements. Next, go through all the four user manuals and create a full nutrition and workout plan for yourself. Finally, begin the program in a step-by-step and strict manner from the next day onwards.

The main idea behind this special diet plan is to make the body store the fat already present for energy requirements. After this occurs, the body enters the starvation mode and will start burning the stored fat to fuel heart, liver and other important organs. The three week diet plan is extremely safe and scientifically proved program and is guaranteed to work on every man and women. The users who have tried this diet plan have experienced positive results and successfully lost 10-20 lbs. of unwanted body weight. Brian Flatts has divided this guide into four main parts to clearly explain its concept.

In his guide, the author has mentioned about the various weight loss tips in detail. For example, the nutrition and dietary plans, improving metabolism to burn fat faster and specific weight loss tips. If the user is really serious about losing unwanted body weight then it is essential to follow the four phases of weight training as given by Brian himself. The details about these phases are shared below:

Phase #1 – Detoxification

The first phase is meant for those people (men and women) who wish to rid the stubborn body fat quickly. Users can lose a lot of weight by following the given instructions in this phase. People have even lost 10-15 lbs. after this phase. The main objective of this phase is to cleanse the body through the process of detoxification.

It majorly focuses on the liver as it is a fat pumping organ. Brian Flatt recommends taking a lot of vitamins A, D and C that help to detoxify body organs especially the liver, increase sensitivity of insulin and improve the adrenal function of fat burning in your body. A total of 17 vegetables and 6 sources of protein are allowed in this diet plan and the users need to follow this phase for seven days before they can move to the next one.

Phase #2 – 24 hrs Fasting

After finishing the first phase, the user would move on to the next phase which is 24 hours fasting. The user needs to start his fasting from the last meal of the seventh day till dinner on the eight day. Fasting is a good natural process to burn fat. It detoxifies your liver and other organs and maintains a fat burning environment. On the dinner on the 8th day, user has the freedom to eat whatever he likes but must try to maintain carbohydrates level in check.

Phase #3 – Fat Fast

The third phase or the Fat fast phase means what it says that is it does make the body lose fat through fast and scientifically proven methods. This phase commences on the 9th, 10th and 11th days and the efficiency of liver is properly checked in this phase. In this phase, the body keeps burning the stored fat from the belly and hips region.

After the two earlier phases, the body starts to crave for fat and it is important to note that it does require some amounts of fat as essential. After the regular limit of consuming calories from fat, the body signals the liver to start consuming fat for energy requirements from the muscles. Therefore, it is necessary to provide some quantities of fat to the body.

Phase #4 – Your Unique BMR

This is the last phase that continues from day 12-21. In this 9-day phase, users are allowed to consume limited amounts of calories based upon their unique BMR and weight loss objectives. There are 2 main steps as prescribed by Brian. In the first phase, the user needs to determine his or her BMR and in the second phase the user needs to know how much calorie they need to take based on their unique BMR. By following this method precisely the users would be able to achieve the desired lean look which they want or a smart six-pack abs whichever they like.

3 Week Diet Pros:

Here are the main advantages of the 3 week diet plan as given by Brian Flatts:

• The Three Week Diet is ideal for busy people – Brian invented this unique program for very busy people that do not find spare time to devote to their health and diet. The three week diet review program only asks for 20-30 minutes of light exercising for 3 days in a week which is not that difficult.
• Three week diet program is a well-recognized and scientifically proven method to burn fat from your body. A good feature of this plan is that Brian Flatts has tested his latest program on himself first and then revealed it to the users. Therefore, it is safe to try and is guaranteed to work.
• Three week diet plan is a fast-action and result-oriented weight loss program unlike the many others. The notion that only slow weight loss is Safe and Healthy is not true at all. Most people are not focused and motivated to lose weight and this is why don’t achieve the results through other diet plans. But, the 3-week diet plan guarantees to work on your body fat in just 21 days, if you promise to abide by all instructions and tips.
• It has a 60-day full money back guarantee so the user should feel assured and confident in using it.
• Besides, Brian Flatt is a renowned health expert since many years and has received much positive feedback from consumers all over the world.

3 Week Diet Cons:

As we know that no diet plan made till now is perfect in all sense. Same is with the 3 week diet plan. Its main disadvantages are:

• The three week diet plan is available in digital form only and can be downloaded via the Internet from its official website only.
• The three week diet plan does make light exercising mandatory for the users along with strict adherence to diet plans.
• It makes the user spend a bit extra in the form of supplements and other substances.
• The program is available only in a soft copy form, hard copy form is unavailable.
• Some of the users have complained that the topics could have been elaborated more that would have made it easier to understand.

3 Week Diet : Conclusion

3 week diet system doesn’t cost much (its $47) to own. On top of it, there is a full 60-day money back guarantee for the users and those who aren’t satisfied with the product can demand a full refund. The online guide which is downloadable from the official site comes in the pdf format.

Therefore, users don’t have anything to lose in trying this excellent program. The creator of this wonderful weight loss online guide is Brian Flatt, who is a health and nutrition expert since the past many years and has received positive feedback from many users. The best thing about the 3 Week Diet Review plan is that it is guaranteed to work on every man and woman regardless of their age, ethnicity or body shape. I will highly recommend it to every person looking to lose weight in a safe and natural way.

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Doing the Best I Can

I pride myself on being honest about my journey on the HCG Diet. Its important to me to maintain the trust Ive built between my readers because they mean so very much to me. I am being completely serious when I say I owe a lot of my success to the people who have read my blog and offered support to me through comments when I needed it most. That being said, at times I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to be successful with this diet. If somehow I were to fail, Id have hundreds of captive readers watching that failure. I also know that several people look to my success on this diet as a reason for they themselves to start losing weight. And I love that. I love being someones inspiration to get healthy. As lovely, rewarding, and heartwarming that is, I am also required to be more aware and responsible for my actions while on the HCG Diet.

When I cheat, I think of all the people who have sent me emails thanking me for being an example of determination for them. I dont want to let anyone down, especially the people who, like me, are struggling to change their lives. But the truth is, this diet is hard. Even I have my days where I struggle.

Lets start with last week. Ever since I broke the 200 pound mark Ive been bouncing between 195 pounds and 196 pounds. For 6 days I would  go up .4, down .8, up .6, down .3. I was getting extremely frustrated knowing I was doing everything in my power to stick to the diet yet not seeing the reward on the scale. This frustration almost made my goal to reach 170 by February 28th seem impossible. Not reaching my goal would mean missing out on a $1000 shopping spree sponsored by my work.

I woke up on Super Bowl Sunday scared that I would end up cheating at a family party that evening. Doing so would set me even further back from that already unlikely shopping incentive. Emotionally I was not in a place to combat the food temptations that would be surrounding me.

I sat there staring at my bedroom wall, in tears at the thought of disappointing anyone by cheating. Then I was struck with the overwhelming realization that I am doing this for me. I am not perfect. I am not in a hurry to lose weight. I will have days when I eat food I am not supposed to. My goal is to be healthy and HAPPY and the best way I can do that is by trying my best.

I ended up eating some seven layer dip.The next morning I had to deal with the consequences of that action when I stepped on the scale. I accepted it, and moved on by getting back on track. I want to be clear that I am not perfect when it comes to dieting. Like many, I have really bad days. I can feel completely comfortable saying that I am trying my best. I cant promise anyone that I will come out of this weight loss journey without skinned knees, but I can promise that I will never give up, even when I fall.


This week, I am in Las Vegas at a conference for work. Most of the meals are provided through the hotel as arranged by the seminar sponsors. There is so much delicious food, but Im sticking to protocol the best I can. Last night I went to the fanciest steak house Ive ever been to. While I was tempted to go for a huge steak, I went for an 8 oz sirloin and grilled asparagus. I gave half of the steak to a colleague and savored every bite of what was on my plate. For lunch I ate grilled chicken and some sort of tomato onion salad. I cant guarantee that everything is free from oil, butter, or sugar. But I am doing the best I can. This is the first time Ive ever been to Vegas and I keep reminding myself that I can experience the city without experiencing the cuisine. I have a few more days left before I go home, but I think that even eating out I can make healthy decisions.

Sometimes I think even I need a reminder that changing if I expect to change my WHOLE life, it is going to be a day by day struggle. We all have our moments when circumstances are out of our control. We all have days when mentally we cant handle anymore. Its OK to have these days, just dont let one of these bad days convince you to give up on your overall goal.

I may not end up getting my shopping spree, and thats OK. Ultimately a shopping spree isnt my priority (even though some new clothes would be fantastic). I may not reach my goal weight by the anticipated date, and thats OK too. In the end I am doing this diet to be healthy and to inspire others to do the same. Theres no rush. :)

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Two Years Ago I Became A Widow

In Loving Memory

March 6th 1980-October 10th 2009

I will forever love you and keep you in my heart.

Im finally getting around to writing this last post.  I just didnt want to write it at all.  I dont feel like I have anything I need to say to Barry...I think Ive said it all a million times over over these last two years.  The time has come to say goodbye to this blog, and continue with my new one. Thank you to everyone for being such wonderful readers, and supporting me even if you didnt comment.  This blog has been such a big part of my life for over 3 years, and even more so now because it has become my outlet for my grieving.  I am ready to move on, so please come with me as I continue this journey.    If you email me then I will reply to you and give you my new blog address.  I post on there much more regularly than this one.  I have to say, I am a little sad to close this chapter in my life, but I am ready, and it is time.  

I will miss this blog and all of you.

Much love,

Joanna  

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I CAN Do It MYSELF

I know Ive been promising this post for awhile. I dont have time to write it, but Im making time.

Through ten years of marriage, I became quite dependant on Barry. He was always the one I relied on, we always discussed major decisions and I probably was a bit too dependent. I know that now, and I knew that then too, but oh well, it was me! That was me for the longest time, and now Ive had to forge a new me.

This new me has been FORCED to become independent. There is no one else to rely on but myself. And I hate it. I despise it. I abhor being the responsible one. I dislike having to make all the major decisions. I hate this aspect of widowhood with a passion. I have made so many decisions in the last almost 5 months that I have become overwhelmed.

To add insult to injury, many things have gone wrong too, which just adds to me having to do things on my own. Like with my van. In the last couple weeks, Ive had an alignment done, the door actuators fixed, an oil change, the tires rotated, and now replaced, brakes fixed, a radiator leak fixed, and the rear bumper replaced because someone hit me. Ive grown tired of seeing my friends at Midas. Today should be the last day, my tires are getting replaced as the tread on them is pretty low. But, the van has had those tires since before we bought it three years ago, so I suppose its time to do it anyway.

But you know, I CAN do it all by MYSELF. I dont like it, but I can and am doing it. Ive bought a house on my own too! Ive handled all the van repairs on my own. Ive filled out countless forms for life insurance and death certificates. I planned the funeral and wrote the obituary (with some help I might add) and even spoke at Barrys funeral by myself.

Ive also outfitted an entire house by myself. This house stuff though has been the most stressful I think. Just the simple act of purchasing furniture has had my head spinning in all different directions. On tuesday at the furniture store, I really started to shut down towards the end. I couldnt do it anymore. I was able to pick out furniture for my living room, my bedroom, and the great room. But I spent a good 4 hours in the Macys store! Thats all done though, finally. Wednesday afternoon I went to another store and picked out my book shelves and TV stand, and a clock. I could feel myself shutting down again though, so I decided enough was enough and left. Tomorrow the kids and I are going back there to pick out V and Es beds and dressers, and As dresser, and my computer desk. After that, we will head to Sleep Country to get mine and V and Es mattresses. I still have to get minor things like dishes and some decor items, but the major stuff is done...except for a Piano. That can wait. Today I even picked out all my blinds for the new house, by MYSELF. I didnt even have my Realtor help, haha. I made all the decisions with the vendor, by MYSELF. Can I share a secret though? if I could, I would have hired an interior decorator/design person to do it all for me.

I can pack an entire house by myself. I can move into a new house by myself. I can pick out furniture and bedding and all that by myself. I can handle van repairs by myself. I can de-clutter a house by myself. I can make all the important decisions, like the kids changing schools, and where A will go to pre-school by myself. I can decide that its not a good idea for us to go to DC/PA, but that it is a good idea for us to go to Disneyland, by myself. And I can go to a movie tonight by myself...first time for everything, right?

I have often found myself wondering what would Barry think of all this? Would he like the decisions Ive made, would he like what I have picked out? But then I have to remind myself that while I value his opinion, hes dead. Hes not here anymore, and I cant constantly base my decisions on what he would have done. Im alone now, and though hes with me in my heart, and in my mind, hes not here in person for me to rely on. I cant ask him what he thinks of this piece of furniture, or that one, or what bed to get the girls, what tires I should get on the van, Ive had to do it by myself. Its a bit freeing though, to be completely honest, knowing that I CAN pick and choose what I want and not worry if he would like it or not. I had all these ideas of what I wanted to buy for my new house, the colors and all that stuff too, and when I went to pick it out, I went completely opposite of what I had in mind. Its so different from what we would have picked out together, but I think thats good in a way. Most of our stuff is being replaced, but the one piece I am keeping in the house, which doesnt even match my new kitchen all that well, is the table and chairs we bought a year ago. He and M put it together, and while it doesnt match my cabinets, that doesnt matter...he put it together. His hands pieced it together with the help of our son, and it will stay in my kitchen as our family table for a very long time.

Barry would be proud of me, proud of all the decisions Ive made on my own. He would say "I knew you could do it Joanna, and I am so proud of you! I always told you you could do it on your own, you never needed me to make all the decisions".

Ill tell you though, I am amazed that I have done it all by myself. Ive wanted to crawl into a ball and rock myself sometimes due to all the stress, but I havent. I will keep on keepin on, and get through this. Things will settle down eventually, the stress will dissipate and I will continue to do things on my own. I will develop a stronger skin, I will become even more independent than I already am, and I will get through it.

One day at a time, I can do it by myself.

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Things I Wish

I just thought Id share a list of some things Ive been wishing had turned out differently, or will happen, or that I wish I had etc etc.  Nothing in particular order, I just didnt feel like writing a long drawn-out blog post about it.

• I wish Barry had been here to teach M how to tie a Tie, he had to go to the neighbors house and my girlfriends husband did it for him for his Harry Potter Costume.
• I wish I had more patience 
• I wish Athena would stop jumping up against the glass door to come inside
• I wish I was more self-sustainable, and had things like a garden, or the means to can more food.
• I wish I wasnt such a perfectionist
• I wish I didnt yell so much
• I wish I could handle being a single mom better than I currently am
• Tonight I wished it was A on her daddys shoulders while Trick or Treating instead of Charlies (whom I mentioned up above)
• I wish I had the courage to start my book, but I dont know how to start it. Or what angle to take.
• I wish I was back in Florida
• I wish I had a husband or something close to that
• I wish I didnt have to sleep alone each night.
• I wish I had more support
• I wish life was easier
• I wish Dish Network would get their shit together and fix their slow ass website and phone system
• I wish I was able to resist sweets and exercise more! I would have lost all the weight by now if I did. I want to lose 50-60lbs more
• I wish I could relax enough to read again. I have only read one whole book since Barry died. I used to read all the time before he did.
• Oh one more thing...I wish Dish Network didnt outsource.  What happened to good old Americans? Why do I have to talk to someone from a foreign country who calls me YO-ANNA.  My name is JOANNA for fucks sake.

Thats it for today. 

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30 Days of Photo Fun

So, I found this awesome amazing site on the Internet called Pinterest and I have totally fallen in love with it.  Ive been using it to "pin" wedding ideas for James and I, things I like, yummy food I want to make etc etc.  While Ive been burning up my Kitchen Aid mixer, I also found this photo challenge that I want to do.

30 Days of Photo Fun 

I started today with a picture of me...and well, I tried my Canon 60D, I tried my Canon SX230HS, and my iPhone 4 from Verizon.  The first two cameras took awful photos of me, or else I just cant take a self portrait in the mirror.  Probably that one.  I fail at it.  So the iPhone it was.  So here is my 1st Photo of Me!

Thats me in all my glory this afternoon.  Youll notice I am not wearing foundation, only a bit of cover up, eye liner and mascara.  My face was oily when I took this, but whatever.  I also have more lines around my eyes, ever since Barry died.  And more grey hair, but that is in hiding right now lol.  Tomorrow Ill be posting my favorite shoes! or a few of them ;)

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Guess I Should Post Today

Today was 10 months ago that Barry died.

I dont remember what I was doing 10 months ago exactly.  It was all a blur to me, and remembering what I did to pass that first evening that Barry was dead is to much work.  Im sure my mind has just blocked it out, because I remember certain things like having a glass of wine with my mom and sister the next night, and crying myself to sleep each night, and also waking up at 5AM on October 11th, crying my eyes out in my sleep.

Today I experienced something sad that I wished I could have shared with Barry.  Two and a half years ago, we put our first, and only home we owned together, on the market, because we could no longer afford it.  We landed up selling it a few months later, and moved to the house I just moved out of in April.  We loved that house so much, it broke my heart to have to sell it, but we had no choice but to sell.

On our way to dentist appointments in the same town today, I though we would stop by the old house and take a peek.  I had a friend of mine that had never seen it, so I thought wed show the house and where we used to live.  I havent driven by there in quite some time, so imagine my surprise when we noticed the house was abandoned.  Abandoned.  The yard was filled with three foot high brown grass, debris everywhere.  The backyard was even worse, it being an acre at least, and so much junk filled it.  We looked in the windows, and were greeted to sights of garbage in the house, old nasty furniture, and just general mess.  This house that we loved so much, was foreclosed on by the people that bought it from us.  Apparently, they left their dog there too, and my old neighbors landed up taking her in as their own.

The things that we loved so much about that house were just ruined. My old neighbor Shirley told me they took a gorgeous house (which was when we had it) and turned it into a crappy fixer upper. It broke my heart seeing it like that, because it was a beautiful home when we owned it.  Im sad for that house, and I have half a mind to go buy it, but I wont be.  Its not worth it because weve closed that chapter in our lives, and the memories we have in that house would be too painful to relive.  Christmases, birthdays, taking A home from the hospital to that house, the wood stove that Barry loved so much, our 400sq foot master bedroom, my custom oak cabinets in the kitchen.  I wish I could have told Barry about all this, and I knew he would figuratively "roll over in his grave", if he knew.

I dont have much else to write.  I filled up the day without even realizing it, and didnt even realize it was the 10th until 11:30 this morning.  I cant believe I forgot.


P.S...I did get a new car on July 23d.  I landed up purchasing a Silver 2011 Honda Pilot.  Im absolutely in LOVE with it.  Its fantastic and gorgeous and gets pretty good gas mileage.  I drove it off the lot with 9 miles on it!! I just LOVE it ;)

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COUNTRY JOE KNOWS HOW I FEEL

Is anyone else out there so old that they also remember the song "Here I Go Again" by Country Joe and the Fish from back in 1969?

As I started to think about this blog post, that song popped into my head.  "Here I go again, off down the road again..."

The last time I really posted about what I was eating and how I was doing with my blood sugar and weight was in October 2013, so almost seven months ago.  Every now and then, I just get sick of the whole thing, all the tracking and reporting, and decide to just try to eat like a normal person.  This never works, and I am not sure why I think it will each time I try it for a few to several months.

This last "escape" was no different and I have gained back some weight and have seen my blood sugar get higher and higher.  So with regret and dread, here I go again.  A few weeks ago, I decided to start tracking food and "being good" and I did start to see results, but I was not very serious and gave up quickly, because I hate it so.  The tracking, I mean, not the good results.

Last week, I remembered that I had had good results using Alternate Day Intermittent Fasting.  I kept it up for a while, but eventually abandoned it for a lot of reasons that you can read about here.

But after watching some videos and seeing things a little differently, I have decided to give it another shot, and do it more along the lines of way that Krista Varady promotes.  I ordered her book from the library, and I am going to pick it up after I finish writing this post.

Basically, I think the difference between what she recommends and what I was doing before is that, while I was eating only 300 calories per day spread out into three very small snacks on the days that I would fast, she says to eat 500 calories on a fasting day and eat them all at once, like a regular meal.

The way I did it before was that I would only get to eat a few bites of something on my fast days, and it never satisfied me.  Dr. Varady says that this is a difficult thing for most people to stick to, and they end up overeating on the fasting day.  One of the other problems was that, every other day, I would not get to eat dinner with my husband.  He was on his own, and that never went over well, especially when I had to watch him eat a nice meal while I ate a tiny snack.

This time around, I am going to fast all day until dinner time, then eat a normal meal with my husband, which will come out to around 500 calories.  I have been doing this for a few days now, and fasting until dinner time (or late lunch time, if he will not be home for dinner) has not been a real problem for me.  A little tummy rumbling, but nothing too upsetting.

On the days I do not fast, I will have a fat snack to get me going in the morning, then eat a normal lunch and dinner.  I suspect that the non-fasting days will come out to around 1500 calories.

I know, I know...  I have disparaged calories and calorie counting in the past, and I still feel the same way now about the Calories In/Calories Out method of weight loss.  Using the word "calories" is just an easy way to express how I am keeping my food consumption within a range that will promote normal blood sugar and normal body fat percentage, which are the two things I focus on.

I will continue to eat high fat, moderate protein and very low carb.  I believe that the way the body uses different food macronutrients differs greatly, and that not all calories are alike.

Many people who do this type of intermittent fasting believe that all calories are equal, and that your body cannot differentiate between the calories that come from fat and the calories that come from protein or carbs.  All things being equal, your body will react the same to 1,000 calories worth of Twizzlers as it does to 1,000 calories of bacon.  I wrote a post about that that you can read here.

I can guarantee you that your blood sugar will register the difference!  Plus, after you eat that bacon, you will be satiated for hours, but after eating the Twizzlers, you will be very hungry again very quickly (after you get over that sick feeling that comes with eating all the Twizzlers) and you will want more carbs.

Anyway, before I completely run away on the calories tangent, I will share that I did start eating this way again last week, but had a false start.  I did fine on the fasting day, but overate like crazy on the non-fasting day, and I gained weight.  So, I took a deep breath and started again a couple of days ago.  So far, so good.  I have lost a couple of pounds and my blood sugar has been in the high 70s to the low 80s.

I am now eating normally on the non-fasting days and not falling prey to the old way of thinking, which was, "I better overeat today, because tomorrow I have to fast most of the day!"

THE BEST PART...

I am hoping that this plan will keep me from having to micromanage every bite of food that goes into my mouth.  If this is true, not having to weigh, measure and calculate my food will truly be the best part!

I am now off to the library to get the book.  Im sure I will learn something new and hopefully will be encouraged enough to keep going.  Many people who eat like this say that it is sustainable for life.  I sincerely hope so!

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Low Carb Thai Stir Fry With Chicken and Shrimp

I dont know what my deal is, but Ive been craving Thai food like CRAZY lately. Oh the carbs. I love massaman, and panang, and pad thai, and this week I was determined to find a yummy protein and veggie packed recipe with some thai flavor. I ditched the rice and noodles and stuck with Spaghetti Squash. <3 Good ol squash. :) Check it out fellow fit-meal foodies.

Ingredients 

1 pound Boneless skinless chicken breast
1 pound shrimp, pre-cooked and deveined
garlic powder, to taste
onion powder, to taste
1 large spaghetti squash
1 red bell pepper, diced
2 carrots, shredded
1 bunch green onions, diced
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/4 cup cilantro

Sauce
1/4 cup low fat, low sodium chicken broth
1/4 cup rice vinegar
1 fresh lime, squeezed
3 tablespoons honey
1/4 cup Tamari*
1 teaspoon sesame oil
1/4 teaspoon pepper

Cut spaghetti squash in half longways. Remove seeds and pulp. Fill a glass casserole dish with an inch of water. Place spaghetti squash middles down in the dish and microwave for 15 minutes, or bake on 350 for 45 minutes.

While squash cooks, chop chicken and cook in chicken broth and season with garlic powder and onion powder in a LARGE skillet. When chicken is mostly done, add in shrimp. Cook until chicken is done and shrimp is thawed.

While the chicken and shrimp are cooking, combine sauce ingredients in a sauce pan and heat on low heat (it does not need to boil.)

Add the red pepper, carrots, onion, garlic and cilantro to the chicken and shrimp mixture.

Once the squash is done, use a fork to scrape it out of its skin and into a large bowl. Add meat and veggie mixture, top with sauce. Mix together and enjoy!

This recipe makes about eight 1 cup servings.
Each serving has 257 calories, 31 grams protein, 16 net carbs

*If youre watching your sodium, use low sodium Tamari.

This recipe was adapted from Hello Healthy.

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Today

I cant think of a good heading for today, so Today it shall be.

Yesterday I went through Barrys clothes, and decided what to keep and what to get rid of. Id say were keeping a large majority of his stuff, but he didnt have a lot of stuff anyway. Most of the clothes are going to goodwill except a few select things were keeping for memories. Ill be looking for a big tote today so that I can store it all in.

With everything thats been going on, Ive failed to realize that Christmas is right around the corner. Oops! I have hardly any decorations up, but I am done with my shopping. Ok, not done, but I just have to get some stocking stuffers, and a gift for my step dad. Today I plan to get a few things, but Ive also got to focus on the rest of my decluttering, and goodwill donations. Company is coming from out of town...duh duh duh duh....in two weeks, so I really really have to get on the ball with that.

How is everyone else doing with their christmas prep? I havent even started any baking! Thats another thing I need to do, get my Christmas baking list done and do the shopping for that too.

Im feeling just a little overwhelmed.

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I am Blessed

The last few weeks the kids and I, and Barry, were very blessed by our community, our friends and our family.

While Barry was in the hospital, I had some meals brought to us, and families at the kids school provided us with many, many, gift cards for various restaurants and grocery stores around the area. I have only used one of the gift cards, and am saving them for when we need them.

After Barry passed, my friends set up meals for us. This was just incredible. My MOPS group, the Kids school (via a friend of mine), and my Meet Up group each took a week. I dont have to cook until November 1st. And actually, much later than that because we have so many left overs in the freezer. At Barrys service, I came home with TONS of lasagna, 3 are in my freezer, plus an additional few meals that we had leftovers from. Ladies from my MOPS Group fed us at the reception too.

Also, my oldest friend Rina, over at GottaLittleSpace set up a Pay Pal donation fund for us, family members, friend from school, and many other friends have donated to us as well.

I have made new friends during this time, and lost some. You really do see peoples true colors during times like this. I have to say though, I am so very incredibly grateful for EVERYONE that has donated food, time and money to the kids and I. You really dont know what it has meant to us. I dont think that I could ever find the words to express our thankfulness, because there just arent enough words to express what I am trying to say. I truly wish that this didnt have to happen, I would give it all back just to have Barry back, but unfortunately that is not an option. I am still thankful though.


Thank You a million times over!

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No Christmas Spirit

I am positive this is all due to Barry being dead, but I have none. zilch. zip.  zero. none.

I have my tree up, and all my decor.  I even put light up candy canes outside on my front lawn, and you can see my tree through my bay window from the outside, and it looks awesome.

Yet something is missing.  It doesnt feel like Christmas here at all.  Well, maybe a little bit, but not very much at all.  I have all my shopping done, but have not wrapped any presents.  I have not done any baking.  I rarely listen to Christmas music.  We finally put together our gingerbread house last night.

In years past, this was all the norm.  I made dozens and dozens of cookies, Christmas music was on all the time ad nauseum, and I was just so excited for Christmas to come.  I shopped and shopped and planned everything out to the last detail.

Last year obviously was the exception, and I didnt do anything.  We didnt even make a gingerbread house, which has been a yearly tradition since I can remember.  Since E was a baby in 2002 actually.  Last year was horrid.  My friend Rebecca mentioned that because last year was such a blur, we were still in shock, that its all hitting me this year.

I am doing so many different things this year, that its a bit disconcerting I think.  Maybe because we are going to Canada for Christmas that I havent really planned too much.  Or maybe because Barry isnt with us anymore, that it doesnt feel like Christmas anymore.  This is our first "real" normal Christmas without him, and it isnt even a real Christmas because we are going out of the country and spending it with my family.

I have to force myself to wrap presents for the kids and I actually, Im so slow with that!  I dont know, I just dont seem to care this year.  Maybe Ill feel differently once we get to my moms place on Christmas eve and start celebrating.  But until then, I wont really know.  I just dont care about the holiday, and almost wish it would just be over and done with already.

Someone needs to give me some Christmas spirit and stat!  Lets not even talk about New Years Eve yet.

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What is MY Purpose

Ive been a Stay At Home Mom for 9 years now! 9 long years!!!

The last paying job I had was working for AAFES, and I quit because we were due to come back to the States since Barry was discharged from the ARMY. So, I was a stay at home mom from the time I was 7 months pregnant with the twins till present time.

These last 9 years I have been a Wife and all that entails, Mommy, Homemaker, Housekeeper, Nurse, Doctor, Hairdresser, Lawn Mower, Garbage taker-outer, Christmas present wrapper, everything.

I am now everything but the Wife.

And I feel lost, confused, bored...everything.

Our plan was for me to get a job once the baby started 1st grade, which is in 3 years. But honestly, I dont know that I can wait that long. I might have to though, but I refuse to put the kid in daycare just to get a job. Its a conundrum.

I dont know what to do with myself. Im so bored. I dont think there has been one day since the family left that we havent gone out and done something. Either were running errands, going to the mall, going to the library, going to friends houses, or going on field trips with my Meet UP group. The thing is, this IS my life, this HAS been my life for the last 9 years, so why am I suddenly disenchanted with it?

I feel like I am a contradiction. How can I be a stay at home mom if I dont have a husband? Well, I do have a husband, but hes been stuffed into a nice wooden box on my entertainment center, and a plastic bag filled with extras that I requested for us to go to Build A Bear. If that sounds callous, you should know I just have to joke sometimes; Barry called it gallows humor. I never understood it until he died.

Anyway, I just dont see what my purpose is right now. I can still be a stay at home mom, I dont have to work if I dont want to, but I am bored and uninspired. Ive thought about looking into some sort of schooling, but I dont want to do that till the baby is in school either. I cant take time away from the kids right now because they need me. I have tons of crafts to catch up on, I have a brand new sewing machine sitting on my hope chest that I havent opened yet and Ive had for 3 weeks. I could always sew, but right now I just dont feel like it. Maybe in a week or two. Ive got two years of scrap booking to catch up on too. I am however, going to get my YMCA membership back, I think working out again in the mornings will really help me out, and waste some time as well. Ive been feeling the need to let the elliptical trainer kick my ass again.

What suggestions can you readers give me on how to occupy myself other than crafting and sewing? Do you think I should get a job, or should I be here for the kids? And what the heck am I going to do next year once the baby starts Pre-K? Ill be bored out of my mind.

Its almost like I need another man to take care of*....


*maybe one day*

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So I Couldnt Wait

I guess I got a long enough blogging break, because I have desperately felt the need to blog today. I kept putting it off though, guess I cant anymore.

Lets start off with some happy news. I bought myself a present this past week. Something Ive been lusting after for quite some time, but never bought because Barry always said my other one was good enough. But I have wanted this for a very, very, very long time. So I did it! And I LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

Meet the newest member of my family:

I also got this lens for it:


I thought that with all that has been going on the last month, I deserved a treat. And did I ever treat myself! This baby takes such awesome photos!!! I love love love it! Once things settle down for us a bit, I hope to have some photos up on here that I can share to show the cameras awesomeness.

In other news, Ive been avoiding grief again. Grief didnt like this, so he came over, breaking down my door in the process.

Friday night was the worst I had been feeling in a long time. Imagine whole body wrenching, shuddering sobs of grief. The saddest you could ever be, and multiply it by 100. I couldnt stop crying for at least a half hour. I was so ANGRY, so very very angry that when I was cleaning up before bed, I was throwing things back into the cupboards. I actually dont think I have cried that hard at all this past month. Yeah, I cried in the hospital, but mostly I was in shock. I screamed and yelled and got angry in the hospital. I cried with my family. But I was in shock for a long time. Getting out that sadness really helped though, I felt better after I cried and spoke to my sister. I think its something I am going to have to do a bit more often.

I still have moments where I feel panicky. Ive had that a lot this weekend, and its probably because of what happened friday night. The grief keeps coming back bit by bit, and then I panic because I am afraid to feel that pain again. I would akin it to an anxiety attack, yet without the tightening of the chest. I get so scared!

Being without Barry is something I can handle. I think. I certainly dont like it, but then, who would? At least I am used to it. That is when the fear sneaks in though, when I think I am OK, but am not really. I KNOW I CAN do this without him, but Im scared to be without him. Its even hard to look at his pictures. It hurts to remember. I havent done any remembering lately at all. Might be time for me to pull out those journals I bought a month ago, and write it all down. One thing I am having trouble with though, is remembering Barrys memories. I know a lot of them, and I want to remember them for the kids. But what do I write down? do I write down the good and the bad? just the good? Do the kids need to remember the bad? I dont want to forget ANYTHING.

Scared, frightened, horrified, worried, distressed, terrified, dismayed, despair, disheartened, . Those are all words I can use to describe how I am feeling.

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Stress

I dont know what to write.

Im busy being mom, mommy, mama, widow, Joanna, "wife" ?, and all else that entails who I am.

I havent noticed how it happened, but it seems stress has crept into my life again without my knowing.  Ive been having tension headaches in my jaw and facial area.  Quite honestly, I think I am clenching my teeth without realizing it. The headaches arent THAT bad, but there is tension in my jaws, my face and the back of my head. I probably do it when I am sleeping.  It happens at random times during the day too.

I did have all four of my wisdom teeth removed in March, so I am hoping it has nothing to do with that.  I dont think so, as the tension has just started happening in the last few weeks.

Obviously something is bothering me, and Im sure its just grief...as always.

I miss Barry, but I am so busy most of the time, I dont have time to think about him.

Actually, I FORGOT about the 10th.  Can you believe that? I didnt remember until it yesterday when it hit me that the anniversary date had actually passed.  Ive almost forgotten a couple of times, but have remembered during the day.  I am shocked at myself.  How could I forget that? I am not upset about it, just in awe that I could actually forget such an important day.

I really dont feel like writing at the moment. I need a hot shower, I need to get dressed, I need to get out of the house.

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5 Signs that you Need to Detox

Spring is slowly but surely approaching, and as you make plans for spring cleaning you house, you might also want to consider spring cleaning your body. OK, that sounds weird... let me clarify: Ladies, its time for a detox! Dont believe me? Here are 5 signs that you need a detox.

1. Sleeping beauty has an easier time getting out of bed than you.

If you press the snooze button more than 3 times each morning, youre obviously more tired than you should be. Doing a detox can help you have more energy to get up and greet the day with enthusiasm. Since detoxing helps flush out harmful toxins and chemicals that make you feel tired & groggy, getting up in the morning will feel less like waking the dead, and more like a fresh start.

2. Things have been rumbling and tumbling down under.
Theres is a reason this one is number two... ladies were going to talk for a second about number two. Bare with me. Youre not sure whats happening in your stomach, but everything is broken when it comes to bathroom time. Even when you feel like you need to, you just cant go. Once per day is the ideal frequency for number two, but if youre going a day or so with no movement, you need to detox. Sometimes when we arent getting enough fiber, our digestive system has a hard time moving things through. This happens when we eat too much junk foods that dont have much nutritional value. The great thing about detoxing is that you can get rid of some of the waste that is building up in your body. Getting rid of this waste will help ease a lot of the cramping that often accompanies constipation.

3. As bad as youve been breaking out, youd think that youve been washing your face in pizza grease.

When you eat junk, it affects your skin. It messes with your body chemistry and this can manifest in the form of breakouts. Me personally, I break out if I drink soda. My body doesnt react well with artificial sweeteners. Detoxing is great for your skin, a good detox will take your skin from dull and blemished to radiant and clear.

4. The button on your skinny jeans has more stress on it than an valedictorian during finals. 
Bloating is bad news. Water retention happens to everyone at some point or another. It can be caused by workout out and getting sore the next day, eating too much salt, and Aunt Flos monthly visit. Typically water retention sticks around for 3-4 days, but what most people dont know is that it doesnt need to be suffered through for so long. You can minimize water retention by regularly doing a detox. Most detoxes contain ingredients that help your body release excess water, such as lemon juice.

5. Youre thinking about checking yourself into rehab, because seriously.... Your eating habits lately, are an issue.

If you need to break an eating habit like snacking before bed, bored eating, or eating too much in single sitting, detoxing is one of the best ways to do it. It helps get rid of the chemicals in your body that are keeping you addicted to food. There are several detoxes out there that help curb your appetite, too.

Have you ever gone on Facebook and cleared off all the embarrassing pictures of you from your college days, then afterward felt like a new person? Doing a detox is kind of like that. Its like a total body reset. After you get rid of all of the toxins in your body, its easier to start fresh with healthier habits!

So what are your detox options?

Master Cleanse
The Master Cleanse has been around since the 1940s. It gives your body enough nutrients to function, and you basically just drink the drink and eat nothing else. The drink combines organic lemons, organic Grade A maple syrup, organic cayenne and filtered water. These ingredients help flush your system out. It is typically a seven day cleanse. While I personally havent tried it, I know that Beyonce used it to slim down for Dream Girls. For me, the reason I didnt choose Master Cleanse for a detox is because I dont have time to mix up the stuff through out the day. Its not very convenient for me, but like I said, thats just my take.

Dr. Oz Detox Diet
A couple weeks ago, my mom was looking in to doing the Dr. Oz Detox Diet. Its only a few days long which is a major plus. The program includes all of the recipes, and the smoothies look delicious. One draw back to this program is the cost. Because the ingredients on the Dr. Oz Detox Diet all have to be fresh and organic, its slightly pricey. Also you have to have access to a blender throughout the day or you have to prep all of your smoothies before hand and pack them with you throughout the day. If you have prep time, a blender, and a budget for organic fruits and veggies, it would be a great detox to try.

Lemonade Diet 

Learn More About Lemonade Diet By Clicking on the Image!

The Lemonade diet is actually a supplement and not so much a diet, but aside from the name, this has been Lemonade Diet is more convenient than most other detoxes Ive researched, which is a huge plus because Im always running errands or rushing out the door.  It contains the stuff that is in the Master Cleanse, but in powder form. The Lemonade is delicious and so I never feel like Im torturing or punishing myself by drinking a couple bottles of it each day. When I use Lemonade Diet, I notice that I dont feel hungry, I dont feel bloated after eating, and I have so much more energy than the days when I dont drink it. Out of the three, I would say that the Lemonade Diet is the most convenient and most cost effective. In fact, its less than a dollar per day to do it for a month!
my detox of choice. It comes in a capsule or powder form. The powder mixes with water. You just add it to your daily regimen, you dont need to totally stop eating food, and you can actually use it daily, its not just a two day thing.

Which detoxes have you tried? Are you planning on doing one again?

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Sixteen Months Later

Sixteen Months Later....

And I still have moments of panic where I feel like my stomach is going to rise up into my throat
I still cry from time to time
I still miss him
I still grieve
I still have to pinch myself and remind myself that this life is real
I still curl up with his t-shirt once in awhile
I still like to read his letters to me and feel him speaking to me

I find myself living with a new man and realizing how wonderful he is and that Barry had to have sent him our way.  Hes too great for me to have found on my own.  He and Barry even have a lot of similarities.  I dont feel like getting into them, but Ive noticed several.  I have even called James Barry a few times, and have to catch myself before I say all of his name.  The kids have called James "daddy" and "dad" a few times.  Weve been very open about this and have told them that they can if they want, but dont have to.  It comes and goes with them, really.  It is hard for me to hear them call him that sometimes though, as it is another reminder of whom we lost.

Ive also noticed that I dont feel Barry around as much anymore.  I used to be able to feel that he was around, by orbs in pictures, or just sensing something around me, or the kids even noticing it.  But I think he is here less and less because James is here.  Am I crazy? I really think that he sent James my way because he wanted me to be happy.  I could be totally off my rocker for thinking that, and whether I am right or wrong, I dont care, and Ill just think that James is here because of Barry.  But I still miss Barry, and wish he was around more.

I have thought a few times of his final moments.  What were his final thoughts? Was he scared? Did he think of me? The kids? I wish I could know, but that will be a mystery to me forever.  At least I can be confident and comforted knowing that he died loving me, and knowing he was loved so very very much by me and his children.


One last thing...i know all my images are gone.  Shabby blogs deleted the design I had, and I have yet to fix it.  Ill get on that soon...be patient with me!!

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I Lost 100 Pounds With HCG

I know a few of you have been anxiously awaiting this update. Trust me, Ive been anxiously awaiting updating all of you, but the last couple of days have incredibly busy. None of that matters now though, because Im here, and youre here reading.... so its time to share the news.

 This week Ive had phenomenal losses, and I know a big part of my success this week is a result of all the support Ive received from the people who joined in on my two week challenge. So... Thank you.

I am pleased, and so proud, to announce that Ive finally lost 100 pounds! Actually as of this morning I have lost 102.2 pounds. I made it, it took 293 days, but I made it. I can honestly say this has been the hardest thing Ive ever attempted, but its been the most rewarding. I am so happy I made the decision to do the HCG diet. Its given me back my body, my health, and most importantly my confidence.

I know I write a lot about how excited I am to fit into certain clothes, or how great it will be to go to the beach for the first time, and Ive even talked about my desire to get some cosmetic surgery. In many ways I think these goals, while they may seem superficial, are the ones that keep me motivated on a day to day basis. However, as Im wrapping up my fourth round of my HCG journey, I am starting to think long term  Ive realized that incentives like new clothes, trips to the beach or a tummy tuck wont be the things that motivate me to keep the weight off long term  Keeping this weight off will have to be driven by something much deeper. 

That considered, I want to talk about something I never really have before. I want to talk about beauty. No, not the type of beauty we look for in a tube of mascara, but the kind that my mom tried to teach me when I didnt get asked to prom. She always called it inner beauty.

 From what my mom taught me, inner beauty is that independence we feel when we finally free ourselves from someone who has spent so long dragging us down, and despite their efforts we rise triumphant with a smile on our faces. Inner beauty is the ability to look in the mirror and recognize when you deserve more than what youve led yourself to believe. Ive learned that the person pulling me down all these years, convincing me that I deserved to be unhealthy and unhappy, was none other than myself.

I have to find a way to quiet that negative voice inside my head. I have to quiet that voice that tells me Ill be happy if I binge. I have to quiet that voice that tells me Im not good enough for certain things or certain people. I have to find a way to bridal that inner beauty so that no matter what I face in life, I can raise triumphant from the struggle, having maintained a healthy lifestyle that is true to who I am.

As it turns out, the end of my diet has brought me to the beginning of a new challenge. Im the type of person who is quick to offer tips in my blog posts. Im pretty good with how-to guides, but unfortunately this isnt a "how to find yourself" kind of blog. The truth is I dont know, but I know pound by pound Ive I started to uncover that beauty is so much more than what you can wear, where you can go and how good you look doing it. Beauty is happiness, and I know that in order to be truly happy I have to learn to convince myself that I deserve to be healthy. When I can figure that out, I know theres no chance of me returning to old habits. 

Its a challenge, and I am confident its one that anyone losing weight will have to face. But after losing 100 pounds, Id say Im up for the challenge.

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I Feel Cheated and Some News

Since the new year, life has really been changing a lot for the kids and I. Ive taken some drastic steps towards the future of our family, a positive future.

I decided with the money that Barry left me, I was going to purchase a home for the kids and I, and I did! I am a HOMEOWNER!!! Well, not technically...yet, but closing is March 15th. The inspection was yesterday, and I locked in my mortgage rate today! I got a great deal and my mortgage payment, with my down payment, will be only $50 more than I pay right now for rent! I am so happy about that! I will have to add in water/sewer bills, but that wont be too much more per month.

The house is beautiful, I LOVE it. Its 2200sq feet, 4 bedrooms, 2.5/3 baths, two car garage, fully fenced back yard, gorgeous gorgeous HUGE kitchen etc etc. I really love it. It is a brand new home too! move in ready!! I dont have to do any painting, all I have to do is buy new furniture and some decor items.





Back to my original point though, I feel cheated. I really really do. Why do I feel cheated? take a wild guess....because Im a widow.

At my grief support group, most of the ladies there had been married to their husbands for 50+ years. 50 Years. And me? I barely got 10. Not even 10. I got 9 years, 9 months and 11 days. That is it.

I desperately wish for, long for, and want with my whole body mind and soul, to have had that amount of time with him. I HATE that I only got 11 years of knowing him. Its just not fair!

What I am about to say, I dont admit this to many people except my three closest girlfriends. But honestly? I am so desperately afraid of being alone the rest of my life. I know its not something I need to worry about right now, but the fear that I have about this is almost crippling. One of them suggested I might be struggling with separation anxiety, and I do agree with her. And my mom said to me after Barry died, that the lack of communication would be what I have the hardest time with. And theyre all right.

I struggle daily with not being able to talk to him. You have to know, we went from HOURS of talking a day to ZERO, ZILCH, NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. And I feel lost without him, without being able to hear his voice in my ear...even when we talked about mundane things like what I was making for dinner, or chit chatting while I was in Target or Wal Mart.

This lack of communication actually causes me a LOT of anxiety. I tend to just push it from my mind, and spend lots of time on the phone with my friends to help pass the time so I dont think about the fact that Im not talking to him. When I do think about it, my heart starts to beat faster, I get a rush of adrenaline and I feel panicky.

But apart from that, other things cause me anxiety too. Just recently, within the past few weeks, when I went to the hospital for my Grief Works group, I passed by a little recess in the wall that had hand sanitizer and masks. It happened today too. I saw the masks and started to get anxious. Why you ask? Because when Barry was in the CCU, I had to wear them constantly. They made my lips and face numb. I can still feel it on my skin even now, more than 4 months after he died. I can picture my little routine of driving to the hospital, finding a parking spot...walking down the outside stairs and down the hallway to the CCU unit. Going to the bathroom before I called in and washing my hands. Picking up the phone and saying "This is Barrys wife, can I please come in?". Hearing the door latch click open, and walking down the tile floor a ways...turning right, and then walking another 5 feet through the wide double doors into the CCU Unit. The nurses station on the right, Id usually say hello, and then Barrys room off to the far left. Id grab a mask on the outside of his sliding glass door, slip the elastic over my ears, and pinch it around my nose. Id slide open the door and start saying hello to him. Id place my stuff in the chair, and go kiss him hello. Then Id sit down and do stuff in the chair, or Id stand by him and talk to him, rubbing his hands, or his feet, or just sit and talk to him as the numbness from the mask overtook my face. .

I did this every single day. Multiple times a day. Sometimes I was back and forth at the hospital three times a day...morning, afternoon, and at night after dinner. I often wouldnt come home till 11, 12PM at night sometimes. At times I miss this routine, because even if he was sick, he was still alive and I could still be with him.

I miss him. I miss him so much I cant stand it, and I hate feeling cheated!

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