99 Homeowner

Today was the day, the glorious day, that I signed my life away.

For the next 30 years, my soul will be owned by Bank of America, as I send them a check every single month, until that house is paid off. The reason I said 99% Homeowner is because the house isnt *officially* mine yet. That will come on Monday afternoon when the title records. THEN, and only then, can I get the keys and officially say that "this is my house".

As I signed my name, and initialed each highlighted spot on that mountain high stack of paper, I couldnt help but be a little teary eyed. I wished that Barry was there to sign the papers with me. I wished that his name was also going to be on the title of the house. I wish he was moving there with us. I wish for so many things that will never come true.

But now I can stop wishing for a forever home for the kids and I. Instead of wishing, I can thank Barry for providing for us. Without him this would NEVER have been possible. He continues to provide for us, even in death, and for that I can never thank him enough. I would do everything in my power to get him back if I could; I would live in a shack, Id go on welfare, Id drive a hoopty...anything to have him back. But that isnt possible. We have to keep on living our lives and be thankful for the time that we had with him, and thankful for all that he left us. And not just monetarily, but the love, and memories, and the laughter. Those are what is the most precious, and what we will cherish in our hearts forever.

Thank you my dear, for providing for us and seeing that we are well taken care of. I love you Barry.

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Sleepless Ramblings Of A New Homeowner

Its the wee hours of the morning and I am laying here in my bed, typing on my laptop, as sleep will not overcome me. again.

Ive been having this problem for awhile now. It comes and goes really, and was really very bad just a few short months ago when I was still in shock from losing Barry. And now its resurfacing: being tired, but restless, and unable to settle down and sleep. My mind going a million miles a minute, while my eyes burn from lack of shut-eye.

I took a Valerian root capsule and I am hoping that helps. At least I can be happy that I am laying in bed, and it was just shortly after midnight when I started typing this, rather than last night when I wasnt in bed till well after 2AM.

Today was my first full day of being an official homeowner!! Monday afternoon I got the call from my Realtor about 3:34 PM saying that the title had FINALLY recorded at County, and that the house was mine. HOORAY!! After the kids got home from school, my mom and I and the kids went over to the house to bring some stuff over. It was the first time I had been in the house without my Realtor, and it felt so surreal. I almost didnt feel right about it, because for the past month, I have only been in the house with him. And Ill be honest, I am going to miss him! He has done so much for me the past couple months weve been working together, and weve seen each other often. But I will be seeing him again, because he is going to be helping me with changing the garage door code, an getting me the mailbox key etc etc. Essentially, he is my "Barry" right now. He is doing a lot of the guy stuff for me that I havent delegated to my friend Jason, or my girlfriends husbands.

As I walked into the house yesterday afternoon, I made sure to put something very special on the fireplace mantle. It was the first official item that was placed in the house after it was in my name. And that item was the American flag that I was presented at Barrys funeral. It now sits ensconced in a cherry and glass triangular case, upon my mantle. I had actually thought about bringing Barrys Urn to put on top of there, but I decided against it because I didnt want to leave him in the house by himself! And yes, I laughed about that.

So now begins yet another chapter in our lives: A new house, new memories, new friends.

New Beginnings.

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Im Tired

There are good days and bad days, and today is a bad day.

Im overwhelmed, stressed to the max and all I can do is cry right now.

I havent been sleeping too well lately either, and that certainly does not help in the stress department. Im trying, but not doing too well. Its not that I dont sleep well, its the getting to bed part that I have trouble with, and falling asleep on time. Time to take some more Valerian root I think before I go to bed each night.

I woke up sometime during the night crying because I had been crying in my dream. I dreamt about Barry. In my dream I was crying because he was dead, and I woke up crying in real life. I dont even remember what the dream was about, but it has sorely affected my mood today. Ive tried to keep it together, but all Ive been able to do is cry, and wonder to myself "Why the fuck is this my life?" I just want to crawl into a hole and wake up the day before my house-warming party. Plus, I woke up with a sore throat and a semi-sore right ear. FML.

I am only slightly overwhelmed right now with moving. I have mostly done the shed, just have to empty a few bins and consolidate them with others. The girls room is all packed except for clothes, and the boys room is all done except for his Legos, clothes and a few odds and ends. Living room is basically done, and almost all the toys are packed. The kitchen needs to be done, but the cupboards are almost empty of food, just the dishes that need packed and brought to goodwill. And then we have my computer desk and my bedroom that need to be done. And of course, there will be all the odds and ends to do too, but that is to be expected. I am thankful that the packing isnt too much of a worry anymore. I will get that done.

But I also have stuff I have to buy yet. Dish Network is coming on the 4Th so I have to have my TV bought and set up by then. Im just freaking out a little about that. And I desperately need a new computer desk, because the one I have here is not a good set up for where the computer will be going in the new house. So I have to pick out and buy a new desk, something that will fit where my computer will be, and have room for the tower. But I also have to have it brought to the house or delivered, and put it together and find someone to help me with that. I wonder if its worth it to just pay the extra money to have someone set it up. I might pay an extra $100 or so, but frankly...right now, I dont give a damn. Ill spend the extra money, because it is pretty hard to carry a 100lb box by yourself, right?

Anyone know of a place where I can just rent a husband? That is what I need, a man to help me out around the house. Anyone??

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