Sleepless Ramblings Of A New Homeowner

Its the wee hours of the morning and I am laying here in my bed, typing on my laptop, as sleep will not overcome me. again.

Ive been having this problem for awhile now. It comes and goes really, and was really very bad just a few short months ago when I was still in shock from losing Barry. And now its resurfacing: being tired, but restless, and unable to settle down and sleep. My mind going a million miles a minute, while my eyes burn from lack of shut-eye.

I took a Valerian root capsule and I am hoping that helps. At least I can be happy that I am laying in bed, and it was just shortly after midnight when I started typing this, rather than last night when I wasnt in bed till well after 2AM.

Today was my first full day of being an official homeowner!! Monday afternoon I got the call from my Realtor about 3:34 PM saying that the title had FINALLY recorded at County, and that the house was mine. HOORAY!! After the kids got home from school, my mom and I and the kids went over to the house to bring some stuff over. It was the first time I had been in the house without my Realtor, and it felt so surreal. I almost didnt feel right about it, because for the past month, I have only been in the house with him. And Ill be honest, I am going to miss him! He has done so much for me the past couple months weve been working together, and weve seen each other often. But I will be seeing him again, because he is going to be helping me with changing the garage door code, an getting me the mailbox key etc etc. Essentially, he is my "Barry" right now. He is doing a lot of the guy stuff for me that I havent delegated to my friend Jason, or my girlfriends husbands.

As I walked into the house yesterday afternoon, I made sure to put something very special on the fireplace mantle. It was the first official item that was placed in the house after it was in my name. And that item was the American flag that I was presented at Barrys funeral. It now sits ensconced in a cherry and glass triangular case, upon my mantle. I had actually thought about bringing Barrys Urn to put on top of there, but I decided against it because I didnt want to leave him in the house by himself! And yes, I laughed about that.

So now begins yet another chapter in our lives: A new house, new memories, new friends.

New Beginnings.

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Goodbye Fog Hello Clouds

I was reading a few blogs today written by fellow widows, and one in particular struck a chord with me regarding the timeline we follow when we grieve.

Grief is a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs, wobbly bits, sharp fast corners and stomach-dropping vomit inducing speeds. And then at times, it is peaceful and quiet, calm even. You cant predict what will happen next, unfortunately, as grief is a roller coaster that doesnt have a set course. It goes in any which way it wants.

Right now I feel I am on the calm tracks of my grief roller coaster. It could change tomorrow, it could change in a week, but right now, I am OK.

Right around the 6 month mark is when some grieving widows/widowers say they start to feel they are getting a handle on their grief. I have noticed that recently when I cry, my tears are different. Theyre more sad. But with that sadness comes a realization that this life is real, and I cant hide from it anymore. Were about 5 months in now, short a couple days, and it has really only been recently that I have noticed this change.

Is it resignation? Have I finally come to terms with Barrys death? Resignation maybe. The fact that I know this is it, that I cant change anything, and this is the life I have been given. But I still havent come to terms with it. Yes, I know he is dead. I am reminded of that every single time I glance at my dresser and see an Oak box sitting upon it, with his name engraved into it. I feel like a conundrum really, despite the fact that I can sense a change in me.

Several months ago I wrote that the fog was lifting. I was wrong, very very wrong. I think at that time, what was lifting was the shock and numbness of it all. I have still walked around in a fog for the past 5 months. Going about life as normal, functioning as I should, but really being like a robot and going through the motions because that was all I knew how to do to get through the day. I dont know what triggered this recent change in me, but I am happy for it.

The fog is lifting, but there are still clouds in the sky. Occasionally a ray of sunshine will filter through.

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Life Got Away From Me Again

I remember when the grief was still so raw, so fresh, that I was blogging practically every day for the first couple months. And gradually it has become more and more sporadic, especially at times like this when we are settling into our new house and trying to find ourselves here.

Instead of sitting inside at my computer, I find myself outside talking to my neighbors. Or unpacking a box. Or doing my nails, which I have started enjoying again. Or cleaning my kitchen. Or doing a huge shopping trip at Ikea, which I did today and got everything I needed, except for the two bar stools which I forgot, and a lamp.

I just havent made the time for blogging lately. Id say sorry, but you know what, Im not really. Sometimes I just dont want to write, and I just want to live, and be happy and do normal things and not have to grieve all the time.

Speaking of grieving and being happy, the word is spreading like wildfire throughout the neighborhood that I am a widow. Thats ok, because I started it. I didnt want people to think I was this divorced mom of four. So Ive told whomever Ive met so far.

Yesterday evening before grief support, I was over at Brendas getting our home owners association paperwork, and we got to talking about Barry a bit. She started laughing really awkwardly and asked me why I was so happy. WHAT?!?!?!? Yes, she asked me why I seemed so happy, and THEN proceeded to ask me if he was abusive because I seemed so happy he was gone. What the fuck!

Obviously people dont know what to say when they feel awkward about something, because not that long ago, someone else asked me how my husband was killed? Again, WHAT THE FUCK? He wasnt killed, he DIED IN MY ARMS IN THE HOSPITAL. He died, he wasnt killed. Its called a THESAURUS people, learn how to use one.

Anyway, back to Brenda. I was a bit put off, obviously, as anyone would be, but I swallowed my irritability, and explained to her why I am the way I am. Because I have no choice. Really, I am what other people would deem "happy" because I have four children that need me and rely on me. I explained to her that I grieve every single day, but my time comes in the evening after the kids go to bed, thats when I cry most of the time. I explained that he was the best, most wonderful husband I ever could have asked for, that he provided well, that he was the best daddy every, and that we loved him and missed him so much. And then I also explained that when he was alive, he was a truck driver, which is why I know how to go about day to day life without him. Because really, this is all we have known for 8 years. Yep, he started trucking in April 2002, when I was just a few months pregnant with our now 7.5 year old.

After hearing my explanation, I think she understood a bit better, but Im sure its still hard for the majority of people to grasp how I am able to keep a smile on my face. Barry would tell me "Buck up Joanna, stop whining and get on with your life and take care of the kids!", and thats just what I have done. Only a few choice people really see the real Joanna, the one who is grieving every single day, and those are a few of my close friends and my immediate family. Only they have seen me break down, and throw temper tantrums and cry and scream and sit in the cold in my van by myself on Christmas day night. Perhaps Barrys job was a blessing in disguise, because it prepared me for this.

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quick hello

Hi All!

I was just in my hometown for three days...didnt abandon you all. I wanted to take the kids on an impromptu vacation, and so we did! Just got back an hour ago and were settling in.

Tomorrow is six months, but I am not ready to write about how Barry died, so ill write somethign else.

Until later!

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