Last Wednesday Im Sorry!!!

I didnt realize it has been since Wednesday that I last blogged! Oops!  Sorry for my absence, we had a super busy week.

Thursday started off with my Mom and Oma coming for a few days from Canada, for Mothers Day and my housewarming party.  And since theyre internet and computer Nazis, I wasnt able to get on here that much.  Friday we got up early to bring the kids to school, as I had TWO Mothers day events that day.  One was in the morning, and one was at noon.  In between, I managed to drive them around the city to see the sights a bit, and we also did a quick trip to Trader Joes.  Then it was off to the school again, and after that, we spent the afternoon at Costco.   Saturday we were up at 7:30 and go-go-go ALL day.  We didnt really settle down until almost 10 PM.  We did food prep all morning, and then the party was all afternoon.  However, some friends came late and didnt leave till 9:30PM.  Thats perfectly ok though, we had a lot of fun with them, and drank and played scrabble.

As yesterday was Mothers Day, the kids and I did stuff together.  We went out for lunch, and then did a bit of shopping.  We had a really long day too, as my mothers day gift to myself was this:

Her name is Athena, Butterball for short! haha.  She is 7 weeks old and just a joy!  I also got her to keep Braddock company, who is our 7 year old black lab.  We all love her to bits, even Braddock!  except the cats, theyre keeping away from her. I bought all the pets some extra treats, and were giving Braddock extra love so he doesnt feel left out.  I kept with the Greek theme for names (except for Braddock, we did this after he came along), because Barry always insisted we do "distinguished" names for our pets, nothing stupid like Shadow, Rover, that kind of thing.  He was always adamant about that.  So I kept up with it in his memory.  Athena is also AKC registered, and has champion bloodlines.  I may or may not breed her, I have to think about it for awhile.

In other news, with the excitement of Athena, I forgot what day it was today.  Its the 10th.  I even surpassed 11:11AM.  7 months ago I became a widow, and I forgot! I am shocked, guilty and relieved all at the same time.  It is the first time I have forgotten.  I dont even know what else to say, except Im shocked I forgot.  This can only be a good thing though, as we go through the healing process.  But I actually forgot! wow.

I had a rough morning yesterday without him, as we had another holiday without Barry.  I cried as soon as I woke up, realizing that Ill never hear him say "Happy Mothers Day" to me anymore, Ill never get those deliveries from Pro Flowers or 1800Flowers anymore.  I cried and cried at breakfast with the kids, and my mom and oma.  I was better the rest of the day though, thankfully.  Yes, I do have my kids which are such a gift from him...but as much as i love them, they dont replace him, it doesnt make me feel that much better.  Flame me if you like for saying that, but I cant be happy just because I have the kids from him.  Because they dont replace him.  le sigh.

Well, time for me to be puppy mommy and put Athena outside again.  I hope everyone had a wonderful Mothers Day!

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Time To Give Credit Where Its Due

I was pondering this morning, and realized I havent done a thank you post since Thanksgiving I think. A LOT has changed in our lives since then, and I just feel that maybe its time for me to say thank you again to all the important friends I have in my life.

I wanted to do individual thank yous to everyone, and even wrote out paragraphs to everyone, but I found it was just too much to write, and too emotional to do so. So I will make a list, and hopefully theyre all reading this...and if not, they know how I feel. A thousand hugs and thank yous could not express my happiness at having you all in my life. I love all of you!!

*Jason and Lindsay

*Sara

*Rebecca

*Christy

*Johanna

*Mimi, Monica, Connie and all the other ladies from Mops that came and helped me clean and unpack

*All of my awesome twitter friends, especially Rachel who ran the London Marathon, and ran a mile in Barrys memory. That made me cry. And Ian too, who is a fellow widowed single parent, and knows what its like.

In other news, yesterday I took the spawn to a summer camp orientation/interview. Its through the Jamie Moyer foundation, and is called Camp Erin. Its geared specifically towards children that have, or are, experienced a significant loss in their life like that of a parent or sibling. Its a bit of a lengthy application process, and we wont find out for a good month, but I am pretty confident that the three olders will get in. It is just for a weekend in June, two nights only, but they will have so much fun.

Yesterday as I was driving them there, I got a little teary eyed. Thinking to myself, why do I have to do this? Bring my kids to a summer camp for Grieving Kids? WTF? how is that even fair to us? It isnt FAIR. Not one bit. I dont see why my kids have to grow up without their daddy, why they have to go to a summer camp because their daddy is dead.

And then I got a little angry at Barry. Because if he hadnt died, I wouldnt be in this situation. I wouldnt have had to take the kids out of school early to drive 45 minutes to Tacoma so they could have this opportunity. Its all his fault. I know he tried his damnedest to stay a live, I know that b/c I saw the look in his eyes, but he STILL DIED! He LEFT us. He put us in this situation, and I am so mad about it. I cant do anything about my life because he died, and no matter how much I want to go back and change what happened, I cant. Its infuriating, heart breaking, maddening. I hate this. And for the rest of our lives, we are going to have to deal with this heartbreak. Sometimes I just want to yell and scream at him for leaving us, and I have done that already. Maybe I need to do it again. Or get some aggression out again, something like that.

Barry knows Im angry, and I think hes OK with that. I know he didnt want to leave us, and if he were in my situation, Id expect him to be angry too. Anger is a perfectly normal part of grief, and I need people to know that sometimes Im going to fucking hate Barrys guts because of what he did to us. Right now Im angry and sad because I dont want us to be in this situation.

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