A New Direction

Ive been pondering the direction I want to take with this blog for quite some time. My blog posts have been sporadic over the past couple months and I just dont know what to write all the time.

I went through this not that long ago, I think it was in December, that I decided no more grief blogging. But what do you know, all of my posts after that were about grief. I just wasnt ready yet. But now I am just....lost? I love writing, and I love writing about Barry, but I cant think of what else to write! It does get tiring all the time writing about how I am doing. I am tired of it, personally. I want to take this blog in a new direction somewhat, but I havent quite decided what that will be.

The kids and I are starting a new chapter of our lives next week. On April 2nd, we move into the house that I just bought for us. It will be just short of 6 months ago too, just 8 days short of the six month anniversary. We are craving, well I am craving, new beginnings, a fresh start. I need it. I cant live in this house anymore. Its not painful to live here really, but I am tired of it, and I just need to move on. I will miss it, because it is the last house we ever lived in with Barry, but I dont think I can fully heal if I am living in a house surrounded by constant reminders of our 10 years together. Everything in this house, save for Christmas/birthday gifts, we bought and paid for, so it all reminds me of him. He put everything together, he put the towel racks up, he did it all. And I need new. I crave new. And almost everything in the new house is new, including our brand new never-been-lived-in just built house.

I am sure that I will continue to blog about the grief process, thats almost a given. In fact, I do have a post planned for April 10th. I think that will be the most difficult post I have yet to write, for in that post, I will be giving the nitty gritty details. A story of death. Yes, I am going to tell you all how Barry died and exactly what happened on October 10th, 2009. Its almost a conclusion of sorts for me, to end this grief blogging.

I want to start cooking again, I want to try recipes. I want to do crafts. I want to further my photography skills. I want to LIVE. I want to be able to post this stuff on my blog. I want to become even more, the woman that I know I can be, and that Barry knew I would be. I knew 2010 would be my year, and I intend to make it so.

Keep an eye out for blog posts, Ill still be around. And I will still be doing my A Year Of Memories posts. Thank you all for being such supportive readers, it means so much to me.

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Goodbye Old House

This is a pre-written post, as while you are reading this I am probably cursing at the movers for going so slow, and lamenting the fact that they are dirtying my floors in both old and new houses. I intended this to be a "Goodbye and Hello" post, but after re-reading it, I find it a stronger post without the hello. Ill do the "Hello" from the new house, that will be my first post from there.

Today is moving day!

Goodbye house that weve lived in for 2 years and 1 month

Goodbye toilet in my bathroom that doesnt flush well but always made Barrys legs numb

Goodbye path in the yard that the dog wore into the grass from running back and forth

Goodbye to all my white trash neighbors, I shall not miss you. not one bit.

Goodbye pot holes in the shared driveway from aforementioned neighbors

Goodbye crappy black side by side fridge

Goodbye tiny sinks that I cant wash dishes in

Goodbye jacuzzi tub that Barry loved so much

Goodbye nice big porch

Goodbye thin walls that we can hear everything through

Goodbye easy way to the Edwards house, now we shall have to drive

Goodbye couches that we bought 6.5 years ago and have been well loved.

Goodbye shitty plastic blinds that break and bend so easily

Goodbye soft spot on the laundry room floor by the back door

Goodbye holes in the yard that Braddock dug

Goodbye ugly green carpet

Goodbye flat, non glossy paint in the kitchen that stained so easily

Goodbye bed, you I shall miss...you were the baby making bed, you held us close every night, you have been with us since Germany...10 years now. I shall see you in my new garage ;-) Perhaps one day you will grace one of the kids bedrooms when they are married, and give them the love that you gave Barry and I for almost 10 years of marriage.

Goodbye house that we have lived in for two years and 1 month, that was our last home as a family of 6.

Goodbye to low utility bills, I will miss the well water as now I have to pay for city water.

Goodbye Barrys spot on the couch, where he would take over the coffee table with his school stuff.

Goodbye toilet that made Barrys legs numb, I will never sit upon you again.

Goodbye TV/entertainment center/sound system that was so complicated to put together, but Barry did it anyway. Youve been replaced, but have served us well for almost 7 years.

Goodbye to the house that was so calm when I came inside for the first time as a widow. I know Barry was waiting for me inside, he had just passed a couple hours before that.

Goodbye Barrys sink in the bathroom where he always shaved his head at. I will miss seeing those black hairs all over the sink.

Goodbye Barrys spot at the kitchen table by the window. Ive taken over that now as the head of the family.

Goodbye living room that had a tall ceiling to hold our 7.5ft Xmas tree.

Goodbye house. We will miss you a lot. We will miss seeing all the spots in the house that remind us of Barry, but now it is time for us to say hello to new things. We can still drive by and see you anytime we want, as were right down the road. Try not to miss us too much, soon you will be filled with a new family ready to make as many memories as we did, surrounded by your walls.

We will miss you house.

p.s...I know I said some goodbyes more than once. Some were intended to be more of a "good riddance" goodbye, and others were taking a more sad side to saying goodbye. It was my intention to mention them more than once.

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