Dear Barry and A Year Of Memories

I guess April was just too much of a crazy month for me, because I forgot a couple A year of Memories posts. The day in question was April 8th, 1999, but I wont be writing about it after all because it wasnt a very good memory for Barry and I. After the years had passed, we always laughed about it, but Id still rather not write about it. And with that....

Dearest Barry,

Today was May 1st. You know what that means!!!

We missed you so much this weekend. Friday night the kids and I had cake, like we always do on April 30th ;-), and a special dinner. Maybe not super special this year, but the kids wanted pizza, so I picked up our favorite frozen DiGiornos, and a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting (because that has always been your favorite) for dessert. Before we ate, I dug out the black candles and lit the big black pillar for you, and placed it in the middle of the table. As we ate, I had all of us go around and say a special memory we had of you. Mine was how you laughed like a little girl, and the kids also mentioned how you stank up the bathroom, snored all the time and farted a lot. Leave it to our kids to remember that stuff, lol. We all had a good laugh at that. A refused to talk, as always. I also read to the kids a bit about the history of this weekend!

This morning we woke up to a breakfast of orange breakfast rolls with icing, and chocolate milk. It was fabulous! We got ready, and then headed out to North West Trek. Do you remember how you and I were planning on going for Es birthday in October? You really wanted to go see the Cats! :) The kids and I had been talking about what to do for this weekend for months, and it was their idea to go to NWT because we knew you had wanted to. So we did that today, and celebrated the day just as we would had you been there! It was our tribute to you, darling, because you couldnt be there in person.

We spent all day there, and I got so many pictures. I am quite positive you knew we were going, because ALL the animals were out, and I got so many pictures. I took over 450 pictures today! So many of the cats too. Oh, they were gorgeous Barry, you would have loved them! We spent a long time at the Cougar enclosure :)

Our plan was to eat at KFC for dinner, but the kids wanted Subway! On our way home, we picked it up and ate at home, ending our special day. I will be continuing this tradition with the kids for as long as is possible...forever I think, and we will always be doing something fun, as because of you, this tradition started.

Tonight after dinner, I made this stupid mistake of reading your twitter page. I resembled a raccoon by the time I was done, as I was sobbing uncontrollably. I MISS YOU. Oh how I miss you darling. It was so neat to see your tweets though, to see your witty self coming through those words on the screen, but it only made me feel worse. I dont think Ill be reading it for awhile again though. What really made me cry though, was reading your tweets when you were sick, saying you had a killer immune system etc etc. And then your very last one, saying you were in the hospital with pneumonia, ending it with an FML. You didnt know, did you? sigh. I wish we could turn back the clock and pause forever in August and early September. If only we could, right?

Well my dear, Doctor Who is on and I have to go. You know how that is ;-) I love you and adore you, and miss you so much. Ill see you in my dreams, I hope.

Love forever and always,

Me

xoxoxoxp

p.s. As I was reading your tweets, I found the one you wrote to me last summer about Hades licking the blinds strings in the old house. And guess what? He does it here too! LOL I had to laugh the other day when I saw him doing that. Crazy cat!!

*************

Every year from April 30th-May 1st, we have a family day. If May 1st even falls on a school day, the kids are taken out of school. It doesnt matter, that is the protocol for our family. That is how important this day is to us. Every year we do something fun, and last year we went to Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle. Last year too, we were behind schedule, same as today! haha Guess that has also become tradition :)

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Blogging Break

As shown by my recent lack of posting, I havent had much to talk about in our lives.  

Life has slowed down dramatically for us, since we havent been busy with moving, and we are just enjoying living in this new house.

Life is good right now, and I am enjoying it.  Ive passed the 7 month mark, and I feel different.  I feel less grief most of the time, and I feel more at peace with what has happened to us.  Last night for the first time, I was able to say to someone, frankly and bluntly..."Barry is dead, and hes not coming back".  I need to get on with my life!

We have some exciting events happening in the next month!  The kids got accepted into their grief camp, so we have the welcoming pizza party for that on the 26th, and then they go to camp June 11-13.  Im going to see Jim Norton in Seattle on the 28th, which I am extremely excited for.  I plan to take a sharpie and have him sign my boobage! Yes, I totally am going to do that! And this upcoming week, I will be booking our trip to Florida, so that is going to take some time for me too, with all the logistics of car rentals, and hotels and flights etc etc. 

I dont feel that I have anything to write right now, so I am going to take a break from blogging.  Not long Im sure, I just didnt want to leave this blog unattended, and have everyone wonder where I am.  Im here, just living!   Ill be back soon!! 

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Dear Barry

Hey Baby,

I havent written you in awhile and thought I might like to write you a letter today.

Things here are going OK as they can be, but we miss you so much. Ive found myself forgetting about you just because its easier to get through the day. But please know that I dont really forget, I just close the pain off from my heart and my mind so that I can manage. I find that if I think about you too much I feel anxious and panicky. That happened today when I was on my way out to run some errands, I drove by the hospital and immediately thought about you and your last moments, the last time I looked into your eyes. And immediately I started to feel anxious and stressed, and I had to force myself to stop thinking about it. I just couldnt handle it. Please dont be upset with me for managing this way, I just dont know any way else to do it. Youll be happy to know I am going to grief support starting on the 13th. I wasnt sure I wanted to go, but I am looking forward to going. Its for 6 weeks and its for 2.5 hours every Wednesday. I think it will be good for me, very good, I need the support of people who have been through this too. Sometimes I just want to clench my fists, scream and stomp my feet because Im so angry that you had to leave us. Dammit this isnt fucking fair! Why did you get taken away from us when so many other people deserved to go before you??

We barely got through Christmas without you, that was so hard. And believe it or not, our anniversary wasnt as hard as I thought it would be. I thought about you most of the day, and thought about our wedding day, and all the wonderful memories we have of that day. You sewing me into my dress, the fact that we spoke more German than the translator, PIZZA HUT!!!, Tiramisu at the restaurant across from our hotel, all those fun and wonderful things. New Years Eve was the hardest day for me, apart from Christmas. I felt like I was leaving you behind in 2009. I didnt want to start the new year without you. I DONT want to do this without you. I was afraid on new years eve because that meant that I was leaving behind the last year I had with you, youll never be in another year with us. And that was so incredibly hard to accept. But here I am, its January 7th, and Im doing it. Doesnt make it any easier though, I miss you so much.

I decided that this year, 2010, I was going to make it start with a BANG! All of the decisions I have made, all the choices I have made, I have heard your voice in my head giving me your opinion. Thank you for guiding me along the way. Thank you for leaving us a legacy, providing for us even in death. I bet you know that I am buying a house! I am!!! I met with the realtor today and even went to look at some properties today. I am going to try keep the kids in their school if I can, but if not, I have a few places in mind that are elsewhere. Kids will adjust I guess, right? You always said that. Im going to try find a 5 bedroom if I can, but if not, a 4 bedroom will have to do for now. Remember that development right down the road from us where they were building all the new homes? I looked at one home there, and I loved it. Not sure it has enough bedroom space, but Im keeping it in mind. I also went back to the gym! I am finally going to make this the year I lose it and keep it off. I am going back tomorrow! Keep an eye out for me, ok? You can watch my butt from behind, I know you always liked doing that! :)

Well my dear, it is getting to be time for me to make the kids dinner. Tonight Im making scrambled eggs, bacon and hash browns.

I dont know when I will write again, but please know that I am keeping you close to my heart, and I will always and forever love you. Come visit me in my dreams. I miss you sexy man!

Love,
Me

xoxoxoxp

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The Death Diet and Laying It All Out On The Line

Have you all heard about The Death Diet?

I like to coin my extreme weight loss after Barry died "The Death Diet".  I lost about 11 pounds the week he was in the hospital, and then 50lbs total by mid January I think, and Ive lost almost 80 total.  Its not that case for every widow and widower, some of them gain weight.  For me, I couldnt eat.  Everything tasted like sand to me.  I did eat still, but not what I did before.  I lost all taste for anything sweet...but now, that craving has come back.  I know that is normal after losing a spouse, your taste buds come back, you usually gain some of that weight back etc etc.

I have gained a bit back.  Not too much, just in the last few months actually having a man around haha, maybe 5lbs or so.  Its enough though that I can see it in my face and I dont like it one bit.  I feel pretty good where I am right now, I am in between two sizes, which is 5-6 sizes smaller than I was when Barry died.  I was really heavy.  And I mean REALLY heavy for much too long, so it was a bit hard for me to see this whole new body that Barry couldnt enjoy.  And now another man gets to enjoy it, but thats ok...Im not bothered by that part anymore.

I want to lose more weight.  Id like to lose another 75lbs.  Truthfully, I have no idea what I weigh.  I have a general idea, but Im not sure how accurate that scale was.  Back in December I had a nurse come to my house to do a medical exam for my life insurance, and when she weighed me, I was horrified. But then, she also travels around with her scale, and who knows how accurate it is if its getting moved around all the time. I guess my Wii was wrong all along...ooops.  That being said, I embraced the new weight, and then forgot about it.  What I really judge myself by is how my clothes fit.  Where I am right now, I want to lose another 2-3 jean sizes.  For me, that is between 50 and 75lbs, so right at my goal.


I started the Fat Smash Diet again today.  I hate this diet, but I love it at the same time.  When A was just a baby, a few months old, I did it and managed to lose a good 22lbs in 6 weeks.  I want to do that again.  Theres nothing wrong with it, just the first nine days are pretty extreme because you are detoxing your body from all the sugar.

Id like to do an update every week on it, or every couple days...Ill see how I am feeling.  But to start with, today for breakfast I had a large banana, and then I made a homemade blueberry smoothie.  The smoothie was made with a 6oz container of Yoplait Light Blueberry Yogurt, a cup of milk, 4 large strawberries, a couple heaping tablespoons of ground flax seed and a liberal dosage of frozen blueberries I had from last summer.  It was good, but not my favorite.  Usually I do my smoothies with pineapple juice just for a little sweetener, and this had nothing.  Not too bad though.

My first short term goal is...well, I dont really know to be honest.  Ill just be happy if I am down 1 jean size by August when I go to Camp Widow.  Two would be ideal, but Id be happy with 1. How about.my goal is I am down 1 size by my 31st birthday in July? I think I can do that, if not sooner.

Wish me luck!

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