Happy Birthday To me!!

Today I turn 31!

It feels a bit weird, but no different than any other year.  Ive gotten spoiled already by  the kids today,  with a box of my favorite Seattles Best Chocolates, a Joby Gorillapod SLR Zoom, and a Quantaray QSX Ultra 4STM Tripod/monopod.  I also bought myself a new camera backpack, remote and a few minor things.  All photography goodies :) And I couldnt be happier!!

As per usual, here is my birthday song:



Barry played that for me on my last birthday, and I wrote about it last year in remembrance of him. It was really weird to wake up with James this morning, as it is the first birthday with him.  The last birthday I had with anyone was with Barry, so it screwed with my head a bit.

Since we are leaving in just 2.5 days, I wont be posting here before, so look for some pictures and a blog post when we get back.  Now Im off to enjoy the rest of my birthday, and put together my camera backpack that just arrived by UPS.

Please think of us on the 25th, that is the day we are spreading Barrys ashes.

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30 Days of Photo Fun

So, I found this awesome amazing site on the Internet called Pinterest and I have totally fallen in love with it.  Ive been using it to "pin" wedding ideas for James and I, things I like, yummy food I want to make etc etc.  While Ive been burning up my Kitchen Aid mixer, I also found this photo challenge that I want to do.

30 Days of Photo Fun 

I started today with a picture of me...and well, I tried my Canon 60D, I tried my Canon SX230HS, and my iPhone 4 from Verizon.  The first two cameras took awful photos of me, or else I just cant take a self portrait in the mirror.  Probably that one.  I fail at it.  So the iPhone it was.  So here is my 1st Photo of Me!

Thats me in all my glory this afternoon.  Youll notice I am not wearing foundation, only a bit of cover up, eye liner and mascara.  My face was oily when I took this, but whatever.  I also have more lines around my eyes, ever since Barry died.  And more grey hair, but that is in hiding right now lol.  Tomorrow Ill be posting my favorite shoes! or a few of them ;)

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30 Days of Photo Fun Day 2

Today I am supposed to share a picture of my favorite shoes.  While I do have many shoes that I love wearing, my favorites right now being my sketchers, I will show a picture of my all time favorite ones to wear.  And I have a few of them.  I do need a couple more colors though!  Can I also say, I about had a meltdown trying to figure out how to watermark my photo.  I seriously almost cried.  Really.  But google helped, and with a wonderful tutorial I was able to do it.

Without further ado:

Though you cant see the colors, they are from Left to Right, black, red, grey and purple.  Most of them are from Target because I cant bear to pay almost $40 for one pair of chucks.  The purple ones are the All stars.

I really fail at cooking dinner on time, so I need to go feed the horde.  But before I do that, I wanted to share that I thought of Barry today while I was driving home from picking up our daughter from school.  It just struck me that it feels like yesterday that he died.  Almost like he just left to go to work and was back on the road.  It almost made me feel like I was living a double life.  Because it still feels like hes around, and though he isnt here physically, he was still "there".  I dont feel his presence much anymore, but once in awhile I know he checks in on us.  I still cant believe that Ive been on this widow journey for almost two years now.  Isnt it amazing how fast time flies?

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Four Days And Counting

Well, moving day is certainly creeping up on me, were at four days and counting till the BIG DAY!!

It kind of hit the kids and I this morning at breakfast. Suddenly there was excitement in the air at breakfast, little whispers and squeals about moving in four days. Questions about when their beds would be taken apart, and how would we pack all the rest of the stuff. I really have confidence that the packing will be done by Friday morning. There isnt that much left at all to do, especially since I have thrown away SO much stuff. I have filled up our household size dumpster 3 times. Yes, you read that right, THREE times! I still have it and will keep it for another couple weeks because there will be residual stuff left here, including some dressers I have to demolish yet.

I cant believe that this journey I started back in January is almost done. This house was the 2nd house I looked at, but I didnt want to put an offer on it because I was set on having bigger bedrooms. But after many failed showings, the houses just not being right for us, my realtor surprised me Feb 11th and brought us back one time. I was feeling defeated at this point, as a house I had put an offer on had fallen through because the seller filed bankruptcy, so when we went to look at it again, I put an offer on it. The offer was accepted and the house was mine on February 12th. And now I am so incredibly excited. This gorgeous house is mine, I can call it mine and do what I want to it.

Tomorrow starts the flurry of deliveries and appointments. I am so excited to see all the stuff I bought put into their rightful spots, and I most certainly can NOT wait to show pictures of everything!! I have deliveries scheduled for Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday. We are all so excited to have our stuff in the house.

I am a little afraid of Thursday night. It will be our very last night sleeping in this house, the very same way Barry left it...despite all the chaos with boxes in it. There will never be another night in this house again, never another night with my bed set up the way he did it. As much as I dont like living here, I will miss it because it was our last home with Barry. I know this wouldnt be a forever home, as it is older and just a rental, we would have moved eventually regardless of what happened (as we were planning on moving to PA this summer), but it is still going to be an emotional time for us. I dont know if it will hit me so much on Thursday, but perhaps Thursday night as I lay down. And most definitely Friday when the movers take away everything. Whats funny is that the house wont even be empty when the movers leave, as I have Habitat for Humanity coming next Wednesday to pick up all the old furniture. Perhaps it will really hit me on Friday night as I lay down for the first night in my new house, but only time will tell.

Honestly, my biggest fear is that he wont come with us to the new house. I am scared I wont feel his presence there, surrounding us with his love. I can feel him here from time to time, I know hes watching over us. I just want him to come with us, to move to the new house with us. Or perhaps hell haunt and terrorize the new tenants...hahaha. Thats so him too ;-) I really do just want him to come with us, and help make our new home a peaceful home as well.

Back to packing!

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2 Week HCG Challenge Days 4 5 6

Well, clearly I fell a bit behind this weekend on reporting my food journals. I have to say, though, that Im pleased with how this weekend turned out for me. I did pretty good staying focus, even when I was surrounded by temptation.

Since I slacked on posting this weekend, I have 3 journals for you. :)

Friday:
7 strawberries
3 oz canned chicken
1 Wasa cracker
1/2 c. cherry tomatoes
2 scoops Triumph Slim
1/2 c. cherry tomatoes
1/4 c. apple cider vinegar (the lazy girls cali kicker)
3 L. water

Accomplishment: I got in all my servings of food.
Area of Improvement: I ate dinner around 9, I should have planned ahead by packing my slim to my hair appointment.

Saturday:
1 egg
8 strawberries w/ stevia
1/2 c. cherry tomatoes
Chicken (from Rice Garden)
1/2 c. cherry tomatoes
3 L. water

Accomplishment: I managed to avoid eating any popcorn at the movie theater!
Area of Improvement: Today was difficult because I was running around all day. I packed a can of chicken without thinking to open the can and put it in a container. When dinner rolled around I wasnt near a can opener, so I grabbed some chicken from a little Chinese restaurant in the grocery store. So I ate out after being so good. :( But... the good news is that I got it without any sauce. No more of that though.

Sunday:
1 large Granny Smith apple
3 oz can of chicken
3 cups kale chips
2 scoops of Triumph Slim
2 L. water

Accomplishment: I went to Village Inn and didnt even get anything, nope, not even pie. Woot woot!
Area of Improvement: Im still working out a way to cut down salt on the kale chips. :) Its a work in progress.

Tomorrow marks then end of Week 1 of the 2 Week HCG Challenge. This means that tomorrow is weigh in day for me! Too bad TOM came yesterday. I may or may not be retaining water when I step on the scale. Cest la vie.

Can I just say how excited I am for Phase 3! :) I am getting extremely pumped to join a gym and just go to work. Something tells me this spring is going to mark the beginning of a new me.

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One Year Ago

Ok, lets face it.  Obviously I am in no mood to write right now, or I would have done sooner. Especially since I am leaving this to the last minute, it being 11:30 at night here in Florida.

First things first, we made it into Orlando on time and safely on wednesday morning.  We were able to check into our room early, and have been going full steam since then.  Were having a great time!  Wednesday when we got here, we went swimming in the afternoon, and then had dinner and headed to the Magic Kingdom for a few hours.  Thursday we got up early and went there all day.  We covered half of the park, and went back to the hotel.  Friday we spent at Epcot, and did most everything except Soarin and Test Track, and Club Cool.  Saturday brought us to Animal Kingdom, where we did everything again, except for the Lion King show which the kids did not want to see. And today the kids and I slept in, ate lunch, went swimming, and back to Epcot for a couple hours.  Missed all three things I mentioned above, but we will hit those up Tuesday early morning.  Tomorrow we are off to Hollywood studios!

Today I felt like a horrible wife and mother, and still feel a bit guilty.  I had plans to do a balloon release with the kids, and also light a candle for Barry that I brought a long, but I forgot to do both of them.  Weve been so busy that it completely slipped my mind. So tomorrow, albeit a day late, we will do both.  I dont think Barry would mind, because he would want, no INSIST, that we go out and have fun and not be sad.  And we are, depsite sore feet and being exhausted.

I was remarking on facebook today how different my life is no than it was a year ago.   A year ago today, I woke up in my old house, in my old bed, with a husband very much alive and ready to come home in a few days. I had no idea he would die.  Today I woke up in a strange bed, in FLORIDA, in a Walt Disney World Resort.  Never in my wildest dreams did I expect this to happen, ever. But I have to say, that NONE of this is at all possible without Barry. I  could not do it without him.  All of what we have now is possible because of him.

Ive passed the one year mark.  This year has flown by so incredibly fast.  I remember thinking to myself shortly after he died how I never thought I would get to this point.  How far away it seemed.  Yet, here I am.  Still Standing.  A few more grey hairs.  80+ lbs less on my body.  A new house, a new vehicle, MANY many new friends.  And yes, its all a little hard to stomach sometimes.  Id love to have my old life back.  I know I will never get that though, so its pointless to even dream or think about it too much because it really NEVER will happen, ever.

So now I have to start the 2nd year, and I hope it will be easier.  I was scared for today, Id been psyching myself up for it because it is such a HUGE milestone.  Perhaps life will get easier for me.  I can only wish.  I miss Barry so much sometimes, wish he was here to love, to talk to, to just be with, and laugh at stupid fart jokes.

This post may seem disjointed, I forced myself to write it.  Not realy feeling it today, which I know is my sub concious trying to avoid everything.  Im in total vacation mode and want to get back to doing that.  So with that I will end this post.  I wish I had had more to say about Barry, but I just dont want to talk about him. Not to be disrespectful or anything, but I just do not want to right now.  Im afraid it will make my vacation too sad.  I dont know....

Im starting to nod off writing this and need to hit "publish post" before midnight.  Otherwise Ill really feel like a failure if it doesnt post on the 10th.

Barry, I love you.  I miss you, and I know youre happy for us for this vacation.  Im sorry i forgot to light the candle and let the balloons go, but youd be happy knowing were off living our life instead of being too sad.  We all miss you and love you.  Ill see you in my dreams darling.  xoxoxoxop

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Were Moved In!

As I write this post, I am sitting here at my new desk, with a red face from crying, tears running down my face and a drippy nose. I just got an email from an old family friend and it made me fall to pieces.

I want to write a really good "Hello New House" blog post, but Im not quite sure I can yet, I want to get used to the house first. But rest assured, we are adjusting well. The kids are in heaven here, as we live in a cul-de-sac, and there is a boy across the "curve" lol that is the same age as my son. They played together all day yesterday. The street is so incredibly quiet, and safe, and I can easily send the kids outside and not worry about where they are. Plus we have two dirt lots on either side that havent been built on yet, so the kids are having a fun time exploring in the dirt, rocks and seeing the various ducks that come by. They can ride their bikes as well without getting into trouble. We will be very happy here, I can see that already.

On Friday morning, the movers came at 9AM and were finally done at 2PM. They did a great job and I was very impressed with them, so it was very very much worth the cost to pay them rather than ask people to help me. I had about an hour to myself, and then at 3PM I had more friends come over off and on and, and then we had people in the house all day till 10PM! I wont name names, but I couldnt have done it without the help of all my friends that really chipped in. On Thursday I was also blessed to have six other friends of mine come and help me with last minute packing and cleaning. I still have a lot of cleaning to do at the old house, and there is furniture there that is being picked up and donated this week, but the house is empty save for that stuff. I had to laugh a bit because EVERY time Barry and I moved together, we were NEVER EVER ready to go on moving day. Never. And guess what? I was ready to go Friday morning, everything was packed and labeled, and the movers got right to work. So TAKE THAT Barry! lol

I am still not used to this place, it feels like I am living in someone elses house. The new furniture is especially disorienting, as we have none of our familiar stuff except our kitchen table and chairs. Last night it took me awhile to fall asleep in my new bed (mattresses were delivered yesterday!) because it was so new. I was sleeping in a new bed, on new mattresses, new pillows and with brand new bedding. I wonder if I feel this way because Barry was never here. And perhaps that is a good feeling in some ways, because we dont have the constant reminders of him around every corner. This house just feels "different", it has a different aura about it...I can sense it, but I dont know what it is. I am sure it will just take us time to adjust and become comfortable in our surroundings and then it will all be good.

Early early this morning it hit me when I realized what the date was. April 4th. Check out this post I wrote October 5th. Little did I know that when I wrote about losing my best friend, I actually would just a mere 5 days later.

It is exactly six months ago that Barry came home for the very last time alive. It was a Sunday too. October 4th he came home about 6PM, and we watched as he pulled his Kenworth into the driveway. He didnt come out of the truck to see the kids because he didnt want to get them sick. So the last time the kids saw their daddy alive was on the evening of October 4th as he waved to them from the cab of his truck. Shortly after that, my friend Sara came over and watched them for me, as I brought him to the ER from which he would never return. Six months that we have been having a real live nightmare.

And all I can do is sigh.

To celebrate our new home, I am making a VERY un-traditional Easter dinner as our first
official meal here. Im actually making Barrys famous spaghetti. I havent been able to make that since before he died, so we havent eaten it in probably close to 8 months if not longer. Weve had spaghetti once since, that a friend brought over, but I just havent had the courage to do it. He made the absolute best spaghetti, nothing topped it. And now I am carrying on his legacy by making it. Im looking forward to eating his spaghetti actually!

I hope everyone has a Happy Easter! I am overloaded with Cadbury creme eggs, as my kids have decided the dont like them anymore! And in Barrys words..."Communists!"

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13 More Days

If you havent been through an emotional trauma like I have, you probably dont know how your body reacts to it.

After Barry passed, I ate...but I didnt really eat.  I didnt snack, I ate my small meals, I didnt get pleasure out of eating. I lost a LOT of weight in the first couple months, it was literally pouring off of me.  Ive kept up with the weight loss since then, very slowly albeit, but Ive managed to lose about 80lbs since a year ago.

Now that the one year anniversary is a mere 13 days away, it finally hit me this morning that my body is going through the same thing. Food is starting to lose its appeal to me, and I am losing the desire to eat. I get hungry, but nothing is appetizing to me at all. I know I am hungry right now, and I had a yoplait light yogurt for breakfast, but thats all I can stomach. I just dont want to eat.  So I drink water.

                     *disclaimer* yes I still eat, but i only eat because I have to, not because I want to. I dont eat a lot.

For quite some time after Barry died, food had no taste to me.  I ate so much yogurt because it was the only thing I could stomach. Everything tasted like sand.  Food is starting to taste like sand again.

I am very angry right now, and a bucket of tears.  I think I have cried every day since the beginning of the month.  I feel like my life is in a jumble, a snake pit...everything writhing around and you cant tell where something begins and ends.  Plus, add in the chaos of getting ready for our trip, and that just makes a whole big hot mess.

Tonight starts our next grief support group, and I am so looking forward to it.  Despite the fact that it takes up 4 hours of my monday nights twice a month, I love it. I get to be with people that have been what I have been through.  I need this support.

We leave for Florida in a mere eight days. Next Tuesday night we will be getting on a plane and escaping life for two weeks. I can not wait.  I hope that this vacation is a break for us, that I will get somewhat of a chance to recharge (yes, I know I said recharge and I am going to Florida by myself for two weeks with four kids, but it WILL be a good vacation), and get a grasp on my life.  I can sit by the pool and read while the kids play.  I can ride space mountain. I can eat a smoked turkey leg.  I can have a beer in Epcot Germany in remembrance of my darling husband.  I can go to Hogwarts and Hogsmeade village in Universal Orlando and remark to the kids how much their daddy would have loved it, how in his element he would have been. I will put my feet in the Atlantic Ocean, I will go to Nasa and stare in awe. And I will have a good time, I will get a tan, and I will come back wishing I could stay forever.

I need this vacation, I need to get away from my snake pit of a life.  I need to be happy, if just for two weeks.

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