Dear Barry and A Year Of Memories

I guess April was just too much of a crazy month for me, because I forgot a couple A year of Memories posts. The day in question was April 8th, 1999, but I wont be writing about it after all because it wasnt a very good memory for Barry and I. After the years had passed, we always laughed about it, but Id still rather not write about it. And with that....

Dearest Barry,

Today was May 1st. You know what that means!!!

We missed you so much this weekend. Friday night the kids and I had cake, like we always do on April 30th ;-), and a special dinner. Maybe not super special this year, but the kids wanted pizza, so I picked up our favorite frozen DiGiornos, and a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting (because that has always been your favorite) for dessert. Before we ate, I dug out the black candles and lit the big black pillar for you, and placed it in the middle of the table. As we ate, I had all of us go around and say a special memory we had of you. Mine was how you laughed like a little girl, and the kids also mentioned how you stank up the bathroom, snored all the time and farted a lot. Leave it to our kids to remember that stuff, lol. We all had a good laugh at that. A refused to talk, as always. I also read to the kids a bit about the history of this weekend!

This morning we woke up to a breakfast of orange breakfast rolls with icing, and chocolate milk. It was fabulous! We got ready, and then headed out to North West Trek. Do you remember how you and I were planning on going for Es birthday in October? You really wanted to go see the Cats! :) The kids and I had been talking about what to do for this weekend for months, and it was their idea to go to NWT because we knew you had wanted to. So we did that today, and celebrated the day just as we would had you been there! It was our tribute to you, darling, because you couldnt be there in person.

We spent all day there, and I got so many pictures. I am quite positive you knew we were going, because ALL the animals were out, and I got so many pictures. I took over 450 pictures today! So many of the cats too. Oh, they were gorgeous Barry, you would have loved them! We spent a long time at the Cougar enclosure :)

Our plan was to eat at KFC for dinner, but the kids wanted Subway! On our way home, we picked it up and ate at home, ending our special day. I will be continuing this tradition with the kids for as long as is possible...forever I think, and we will always be doing something fun, as because of you, this tradition started.

Tonight after dinner, I made this stupid mistake of reading your twitter page. I resembled a raccoon by the time I was done, as I was sobbing uncontrollably. I MISS YOU. Oh how I miss you darling. It was so neat to see your tweets though, to see your witty self coming through those words on the screen, but it only made me feel worse. I dont think Ill be reading it for awhile again though. What really made me cry though, was reading your tweets when you were sick, saying you had a killer immune system etc etc. And then your very last one, saying you were in the hospital with pneumonia, ending it with an FML. You didnt know, did you? sigh. I wish we could turn back the clock and pause forever in August and early September. If only we could, right?

Well my dear, Doctor Who is on and I have to go. You know how that is ;-) I love you and adore you, and miss you so much. Ill see you in my dreams, I hope.

Love forever and always,

Me

xoxoxoxp

p.s. As I was reading your tweets, I found the one you wrote to me last summer about Hades licking the blinds strings in the old house. And guess what? He does it here too! LOL I had to laugh the other day when I saw him doing that. Crazy cat!!

*************

Every year from April 30th-May 1st, we have a family day. If May 1st even falls on a school day, the kids are taken out of school. It doesnt matter, that is the protocol for our family. That is how important this day is to us. Every year we do something fun, and last year we went to Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle. Last year too, we were behind schedule, same as today! haha Guess that has also become tradition :)

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Almost 30 Years of Barry

I have so much to write this weekend, but cant seem to get my thoughts straight at all. The difficulty of that stems from the fact that we have two birthdays this weekend. Today was Barrys 30th Birthday. Tomorrow is As 4th Birthday. Tomorrow is my sisters 23d Birthday.

I suspected that today would be a hard day for us, but it wasnt all that bad to be honest. I purposely planned As birthday for today so we could get through it. I had her party at Chuck E Cheeses this morning, upon the insistence of my friend Rebecca who encouraged me to have a party for her even though i wasnt feeling it this year. The party went great actually! She was spoiled by all her friends that came, and we enjoyed white and chocolate cupcakes with pink and purple frosting. The weather was beautiful today, so when we got home, the kids and I had an impromptu photo shoot outside. I got some beautiful photos that I will be printing out and framing. We really did have a fantastic afternoon in the sunshine.

My plan for the night was to take the kids to our favorite family restaurant, and Barrys favorite, a local Chinese Buffet. I had actually decided ages ago though, that we would go there every year on his birthday. A way to honor his memory in a way. It really was his favorite restaurant, he LOVED it there. After his funeral in October, my family and his family, all my family, we all went to the restaurant together to honor him as well. We had such a good time that Friday night, and the kids and I had a good time tonight too. But walking into that restaurant without him was strange, surreal...I felt memories wash over me like a tsnunami. Even the smell reminded me of him.

As I sat there at the table with the kids, I could see him sitting across from me. My memories were so incredibly vivid, that I could really see him sitting there in his black t-shirt, a plate piled high with Chinese food and a beer in front of him. I could see him, hear him...I almost could have reached out and touched him.

Never before have my memories been so vivid. Never before in the last five months has he been so real to me. It was almost a comfort to me, knowing I could conjure him up just like that. I dont know that I could ever, will ever, do that again though. It was nice to see him, but I dont know...I just dont know.

I really expected myself to be a snivelling mess today, but you know what, I havent cried once. We sang Happy Birthday to Daddy, we went out for dinner to his favorite restaurant, we laughed and we remembered him. I have the kids working on writing him a letter, which I am going to have them do every year around his birthday. They can read them when they are older. I myself bought him a card yesterday when i was at Target, and that surprisingly was the hardest for me, and I sobbed as I picked it out. I had the same idea for myself as I did for the kids: I will buy him a card every year, write in it and seal it, and then open it up years down the road, or leave it for the kids when I am no longer here anymore.

Tomorrow is As 4th birthday. I am going to try write about her if I can...but writing about two birthdays in two days, is a bit much for me. Emotionally exhausting if you may.

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Blogging Break

As shown by my recent lack of posting, I havent had much to talk about in our lives.  

Life has slowed down dramatically for us, since we havent been busy with moving, and we are just enjoying living in this new house.

Life is good right now, and I am enjoying it.  Ive passed the 7 month mark, and I feel different.  I feel less grief most of the time, and I feel more at peace with what has happened to us.  Last night for the first time, I was able to say to someone, frankly and bluntly..."Barry is dead, and hes not coming back".  I need to get on with my life!

We have some exciting events happening in the next month!  The kids got accepted into their grief camp, so we have the welcoming pizza party for that on the 26th, and then they go to camp June 11-13.  Im going to see Jim Norton in Seattle on the 28th, which I am extremely excited for.  I plan to take a sharpie and have him sign my boobage! Yes, I totally am going to do that! And this upcoming week, I will be booking our trip to Florida, so that is going to take some time for me too, with all the logistics of car rentals, and hotels and flights etc etc. 

I dont feel that I have anything to write right now, so I am going to take a break from blogging.  Not long Im sure, I just didnt want to leave this blog unattended, and have everyone wonder where I am.  Im here, just living!   Ill be back soon!! 

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Dear Barry

Hey Baby,

I havent written you in awhile and thought I might like to write you a letter today.

Things here are going OK as they can be, but we miss you so much. Ive found myself forgetting about you just because its easier to get through the day. But please know that I dont really forget, I just close the pain off from my heart and my mind so that I can manage. I find that if I think about you too much I feel anxious and panicky. That happened today when I was on my way out to run some errands, I drove by the hospital and immediately thought about you and your last moments, the last time I looked into your eyes. And immediately I started to feel anxious and stressed, and I had to force myself to stop thinking about it. I just couldnt handle it. Please dont be upset with me for managing this way, I just dont know any way else to do it. Youll be happy to know I am going to grief support starting on the 13th. I wasnt sure I wanted to go, but I am looking forward to going. Its for 6 weeks and its for 2.5 hours every Wednesday. I think it will be good for me, very good, I need the support of people who have been through this too. Sometimes I just want to clench my fists, scream and stomp my feet because Im so angry that you had to leave us. Dammit this isnt fucking fair! Why did you get taken away from us when so many other people deserved to go before you??

We barely got through Christmas without you, that was so hard. And believe it or not, our anniversary wasnt as hard as I thought it would be. I thought about you most of the day, and thought about our wedding day, and all the wonderful memories we have of that day. You sewing me into my dress, the fact that we spoke more German than the translator, PIZZA HUT!!!, Tiramisu at the restaurant across from our hotel, all those fun and wonderful things. New Years Eve was the hardest day for me, apart from Christmas. I felt like I was leaving you behind in 2009. I didnt want to start the new year without you. I DONT want to do this without you. I was afraid on new years eve because that meant that I was leaving behind the last year I had with you, youll never be in another year with us. And that was so incredibly hard to accept. But here I am, its January 7th, and Im doing it. Doesnt make it any easier though, I miss you so much.

I decided that this year, 2010, I was going to make it start with a BANG! All of the decisions I have made, all the choices I have made, I have heard your voice in my head giving me your opinion. Thank you for guiding me along the way. Thank you for leaving us a legacy, providing for us even in death. I bet you know that I am buying a house! I am!!! I met with the realtor today and even went to look at some properties today. I am going to try keep the kids in their school if I can, but if not, I have a few places in mind that are elsewhere. Kids will adjust I guess, right? You always said that. Im going to try find a 5 bedroom if I can, but if not, a 4 bedroom will have to do for now. Remember that development right down the road from us where they were building all the new homes? I looked at one home there, and I loved it. Not sure it has enough bedroom space, but Im keeping it in mind. I also went back to the gym! I am finally going to make this the year I lose it and keep it off. I am going back tomorrow! Keep an eye out for me, ok? You can watch my butt from behind, I know you always liked doing that! :)

Well my dear, it is getting to be time for me to make the kids dinner. Tonight Im making scrambled eggs, bacon and hash browns.

I dont know when I will write again, but please know that I am keeping you close to my heart, and I will always and forever love you. Come visit me in my dreams. I miss you sexy man!

Love,
Me

xoxoxoxp

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A Love Letter From Beyond

Once in awhile I find these real gems of Barry. I know its him reaching out to me, letting me know he still loves me and cares about me, and misses and loves all of us. The other day I happened to find his school papers on his laptop, and while I havent read them yet, they are there, and I do plan to get them printed and bound for the kids one day.

Today I found probably one of the best gems to date, so much so that I had to shut my bedroom door and just cry and cry to myself. I was packing up my bedroom, and found in a box that I had, a letter that Barry wrote me November 26th, 2004. I have read this many times, but not for at least two years. I packed it up in this box when we moved from our previous home, and never fully unpacked it. We often packed each other notes when he left for work as Truck Driver, and sometimes I would get lucky and he would send me a letter in the mail. This was one of those times. It struck me how fitting this letter was to our situation right now, especially the last few paragraphs. Little did he know he would pass in just a mere five years, but at least I have this to remind me of our love, and how much he loved me.

Barry was so eloquent in his writing. He was also a very private person, never fully sharing his feelings, but sometimes his feelings would surface, and the real Barry would show. I know how he felt about me, but to find this letter he wrote me, I felt he was reaching out to me again to remind me of how strong our love was, of how much he loved me, and cared about me. And now I am going to share it with you. It is long, be prepared, and have some tissues handy, as I sobbed like a baby when I read it. This letter was quite possibly one of Barrys finest, and really shows his true self.

11/26/04 Arlington, TX

My Dearest Joanna;

As you can see, Im in Arlington, TX. I got into Fort Worth early and, surprisingly, they unloaded me immediately. So now Im sitting in front of McLanes better than eleven hours before my scheduled delivery time. I only slept about four hours last night, but Im not terribly tired. I figured, since you took the time to slip a note amongst my things, it would only be fair that I use some of my free time to write to you.

I really enjoyed the time we spent together at home. Through a character named Paul Edgecombe, Stephen King once wrote, "A man with a good wife is the luckiest of Gods creatures, and one without must be the most miserable, I thing; the only true blessing of their lives that they dont know how poorly-off they are."

If there is a truer statement on marriage, I have never heard it. Sometimes I think that the reason I have such poor luck with the lottery or gambling is that all of my luck goes to having a beautiful and faithful wife and beautiful healthy kids. All in all, I am satisfied. Sometimes I think its the little things that matter most. It might seem to be tedious, but all of the little things you do for me add up to one huge part of our relationship and our understanding of each other. The other day I threw out my garbage and found that I had no other grocery bags to put any more trash in. I ended up stretching out a tiny Taco Bell bag over the arm rest of the passenger seat. Hours later as I was preparing to go to sleep after my 36-hour day, I opened my green duffel bag and found that you had stuffed two handfuls of grocery bags in amongst my things. Despite my hardened nature, I was strangely touched that you had done that. Not that Im going soft or anything, it only proves my theory of my personal dichotomy. As tough as I am and as ruthless as I can be if necessary, my wife and my kids inspire in me a love greater than I ever thought possible. If I were Superman, you would be my Kryptonite. No, maybe thats not right. Youre not just my weakness, youre also my motivation. I do what I do because of you, for you.

I was driving along today and started thinking about all of the good things I have. I dont own a lot, but I have things that are the envy of those who do. How many rat-racing, keep-up-with-the-Joneses people can honestly say that theyre happy with their home-lives? Despite what Tom Leykis says, I have a strong suspicion that he would trade it all for someone like you. Not just a hole and tits, but a friend and similar personality.

When we first met, I wanted this to go well. When we started getting ready to be married, I knew I was only going to do this once. I figured if I were to fail once, Id continue to do so. But I dont believe that I envisioned us as we are now. Years later, I cant even recall what I thought our life together would be. I do know however, that my precognition fell way short of what its really like. We dont just have sex and share a dinner table and then only exist. We have fun. We joke and fart and tease and touch. We kiss and say, "I love you" so much that the average observer probably thinks that were newly-involved or perhaps the cheating espousage of unknowing partners. But were not. Weve been married for nearly five years, which makes us not only vets at this, but pretty much the authority on marriage. Just the idea that after so much time together we are still attracted to each other makes us pariahs in this society.

I still have cause to smile when I think of things you do or say. Like how you draw little faces, happy or sad, in your notes, as though to further emphasize your emotions on a certain topic.

Remember when we went on that marriage retreat to Chiemsee? Remember how, after the first session with the Chaplain, our kissing and holding hands started to become highly contagious? By the second session, every couple in there were doing the same as us. They looked at us and saw how they used to be, and how nice it was to be like that. Unlike many of them, however, were still like that. That might leave us out of the "chic" scene or make us seem abnormal, but Id rather have you then anyone or anything else in the world.

I know that Im not usually one to say these types of things, but it is the way I feel. Im often closed on the subject of emotion, but there are many factors about my life that govern my personality. Some of them you understand, but many will always be a mystery to you. I dont want you to ever feel like youre not appreciated or respected by me. I have more respect and admiration for you than I do for anyone else; even myself. You do the things that enable me to do what I do. For that I will forever be indebted to you, Joanna. I could live forever and never be able to repay you enough.

The Bible says that the wise man builds his house upon a rock, because building on sand will wreck the structure. Youre the rock upon which Ive built. You are what sustains the structure of our household. That may sound like a big responsibility, and it is. It requires you to not only depend, but be depended on. And youve done very well so far. And I have every confidence that my rock will stay steady.

Some country singer wrote a song called "She Thinks She Needs Me." The lyrics to that song are very pertinent to me. You think you need ME? I need you more than you need me, darling. Without you, Im just a guy. With you I am anything I want to be; an unstoppable effigy that is able to do magnificent things.

Thank you, Joanna. Thank you for loving me and helping me. I love you. I love you more than words could ever hope to express.

Tell the kids I love them and miss them. I miss you. I love you.

Love eternal,

Me XOXO "XXXO" <-thats a porno kiss!

I love you too, darling. Forever.

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I miss Barry

I was sitting here tonight on my new couch, in my new living room, watching TV on my new TV, when everything kind of hit me again.

Things have settled down somewhat here in our new home. Were basically unpacked, save for a few boxes in my room and one in the living room, and all the pictures need to be hung yet, as well as the garage (which is a complete mess). The house is awesome and I love it, and I am finally starting to realize that its my house.

But something is missing.

Its Barry.

Tonight while I was sitting here, I just started to cry because it all hit me again. I have been so busy the last few weeks with moving and unpacking, and our vacation, that I had no time to think. And now that things have calmed down a bit, my brain starts wandering and thoughts creep into my head that Ive tried so hard to avoid. I cant even think straight right now and feel like my writing is all jumbled.

I was thinking about him and had a hard time again realizing that he was dead. Like maybe, just maybe, he was just working and not at home as per usual. Because you know, husbands and daddies dont die suddenly without warning. They dont leave behind a wife of 10 years and four young children. They just dont die, because that never happens...thats not real life. Husbands dont die, they just dont.

Unfortunately, thats not true. They do die without warning. And their death changes your life forever.

Apart from still needing to accept Barrys death, I still havent fully accepted this new life. I dont like being thrust from one life into a brand new one, being forced to accept everything against my will. Some people have exhibited jealousy towards me, jealous that I have new furniture, a new house, etc etc, but Id give it all back if I could. I really honestly would give it up just to have him back. I want my old life back, I want my old routines, I want my husband, I want my daily phone calls and text messages. I just want my old life back. I look around my house and think to myself, "how is this my life?"

Ive had to go from one life with all these plans, to a new life full of uncertainty. Now instead of Barry and I and the kids, its just Me and the kids. I have to figure out the future for us, without him. It scares me. Eventually I will have to get a job, or go back to school and figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Honestly, I feel like Ive just graduated high school again, and have to figure out where my life is taking me, except now I have 4 kids, a dog and two cats, and a mortgage and a mini van. What 18 year old has that? wait, Im not 18...Im 29 and have all that.

The kids and I are proof that life can change in a heartbeat. Just over 6 months ago we were a happy family of 6, with plans to move to PA this summer, and a husband that was getting 4.0 gpa and on the Deans list at his University. Then literally, with one heartbeat...that life is gone. Barrys heart beat one last time, it came to a shuddering halt, and then our lives ended. A new life was born, and we have had to accept it as best as we can, and just keep on keepin on. Weve had no choice BUT to move forward. .

This post is a hot mess, and Im sorry if it was hard to read. I felt like I had a million thoughts going through my head tonight as I wrote it.

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Goodbye For Good Old House

I have had such a busy week, and included in that was the move-out inspection at the old house. It seemed like every time I tried to leave that house, something always kept me coming back. Either it was trash pick up in the yard, getting the grass mowed, having to do a last cleaning, or being there when the carpets were cleaned. It was tiring to be completely honest, and I was happy to see Friday afternoon finally come.

I was expecting that the move out inspection would be extremely difficult, emotional...

And it really wasnt. I got a little teary eyed, but that was it. I really did feel ok when I said "goodbye". The landlord walked out of the house before me, so I took a glance around and quietly whispered "goodbye" under my breath as I shut the door behind me for the very last time.

It is quite surreal knowing that the last chapter in our lives has finally closed. This new house, which I have been looking forward to for so long is finally "it", our home. I started this new house journey in January, and here we are at the end of April and its DONE. All done. And now we start the newest chapter in our lives: new beginnings, new memories, a new life.

Im looking forward to it!

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The Death Diet and Laying It All Out On The Line

Have you all heard about The Death Diet?

I like to coin my extreme weight loss after Barry died "The Death Diet".  I lost about 11 pounds the week he was in the hospital, and then 50lbs total by mid January I think, and Ive lost almost 80 total.  Its not that case for every widow and widower, some of them gain weight.  For me, I couldnt eat.  Everything tasted like sand to me.  I did eat still, but not what I did before.  I lost all taste for anything sweet...but now, that craving has come back.  I know that is normal after losing a spouse, your taste buds come back, you usually gain some of that weight back etc etc.

I have gained a bit back.  Not too much, just in the last few months actually having a man around haha, maybe 5lbs or so.  Its enough though that I can see it in my face and I dont like it one bit.  I feel pretty good where I am right now, I am in between two sizes, which is 5-6 sizes smaller than I was when Barry died.  I was really heavy.  And I mean REALLY heavy for much too long, so it was a bit hard for me to see this whole new body that Barry couldnt enjoy.  And now another man gets to enjoy it, but thats ok...Im not bothered by that part anymore.

I want to lose more weight.  Id like to lose another 75lbs.  Truthfully, I have no idea what I weigh.  I have a general idea, but Im not sure how accurate that scale was.  Back in December I had a nurse come to my house to do a medical exam for my life insurance, and when she weighed me, I was horrified. But then, she also travels around with her scale, and who knows how accurate it is if its getting moved around all the time. I guess my Wii was wrong all along...ooops.  That being said, I embraced the new weight, and then forgot about it.  What I really judge myself by is how my clothes fit.  Where I am right now, I want to lose another 2-3 jean sizes.  For me, that is between 50 and 75lbs, so right at my goal.


I started the Fat Smash Diet again today.  I hate this diet, but I love it at the same time.  When A was just a baby, a few months old, I did it and managed to lose a good 22lbs in 6 weeks.  I want to do that again.  Theres nothing wrong with it, just the first nine days are pretty extreme because you are detoxing your body from all the sugar.

Id like to do an update every week on it, or every couple days...Ill see how I am feeling.  But to start with, today for breakfast I had a large banana, and then I made a homemade blueberry smoothie.  The smoothie was made with a 6oz container of Yoplait Light Blueberry Yogurt, a cup of milk, 4 large strawberries, a couple heaping tablespoons of ground flax seed and a liberal dosage of frozen blueberries I had from last summer.  It was good, but not my favorite.  Usually I do my smoothies with pineapple juice just for a little sweetener, and this had nothing.  Not too bad though.

My first short term goal is...well, I dont really know to be honest.  Ill just be happy if I am down 1 jean size by August when I go to Camp Widow.  Two would be ideal, but Id be happy with 1. How about.my goal is I am down 1 size by my 31st birthday in July? I think I can do that, if not sooner.

Wish me luck!

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A Poem For Barry

This poem was in the guest book I picked out for the funeral. I really do like it, so I wanted to share it with you all. It was read at his funeral, and I also read it to all the people in my Grief Works group when I did my talk about Barry. I had lost the guest book, and just found it over the weekend when I unpacked a box. I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief when I saw that little white cardboard box that it was enclosed in.

When I Must Leave You

When I must leave you

For a little while

Please do not grieve

And shed wild tears

And hug your sorrow to you

Through the years,

But start out bravely

With a gallant smile;

And for my sake

And in my name

Live on and do

All things the same,

Feed not your loneliness

On empty days,

But fill each waking hour

In useful ways,

Reach out your hand

In comfort and in cheer

And I in turn will comfort you

And hold you near;

And never, never

Be afraid to die,

For I am waiting for you in the sky!

Helen Steiner Rice

I found it incredibly amazing that whenever I need him, hes always there. I find little glimpses of him when I am missing him, or even when I least expect it, completely unaware that I need him, and then he just shows up.

When I was the funeral home, I didnt even put two and two together, but re-reading this poem, it is exactly what Barry would say to me. He would tell me to go on, do things and make something of myself, rather than sitting around and be mopey and lonely. He would say "get off your ass Joanna! Go clean my house!", or something along those lines. He doesnt, and wouldnt want me to sit around and dwell on what isnt is anymore. Barry would insist I get on with my life, and be there for the kids and myself, and he would want us to live and be happy.

Barry speaks to me in little ways at the most random times. This also happened when I found two letters he wrote me. The last letter he wrote me was actually written just over two years ago, January 2008, after he gave me my locket. Perhaps I will share that sometime. I dont know why, but I truly believe that he is still here with us, and he speaks to me when he knows I need encouragement. I cant hear his voice, but in the words he wrote with his own hand, or a poem I picked out for him, I can hear him in my head encouraging me, talking to me, telling me how proud he is of me, and how much he loves me.

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