Four Days And Counting

Well, moving day is certainly creeping up on me, were at four days and counting till the BIG DAY!!

It kind of hit the kids and I this morning at breakfast. Suddenly there was excitement in the air at breakfast, little whispers and squeals about moving in four days. Questions about when their beds would be taken apart, and how would we pack all the rest of the stuff. I really have confidence that the packing will be done by Friday morning. There isnt that much left at all to do, especially since I have thrown away SO much stuff. I have filled up our household size dumpster 3 times. Yes, you read that right, THREE times! I still have it and will keep it for another couple weeks because there will be residual stuff left here, including some dressers I have to demolish yet.

I cant believe that this journey I started back in January is almost done. This house was the 2nd house I looked at, but I didnt want to put an offer on it because I was set on having bigger bedrooms. But after many failed showings, the houses just not being right for us, my realtor surprised me Feb 11th and brought us back one time. I was feeling defeated at this point, as a house I had put an offer on had fallen through because the seller filed bankruptcy, so when we went to look at it again, I put an offer on it. The offer was accepted and the house was mine on February 12th. And now I am so incredibly excited. This gorgeous house is mine, I can call it mine and do what I want to it.

Tomorrow starts the flurry of deliveries and appointments. I am so excited to see all the stuff I bought put into their rightful spots, and I most certainly can NOT wait to show pictures of everything!! I have deliveries scheduled for Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday. We are all so excited to have our stuff in the house.

I am a little afraid of Thursday night. It will be our very last night sleeping in this house, the very same way Barry left it...despite all the chaos with boxes in it. There will never be another night in this house again, never another night with my bed set up the way he did it. As much as I dont like living here, I will miss it because it was our last home with Barry. I know this wouldnt be a forever home, as it is older and just a rental, we would have moved eventually regardless of what happened (as we were planning on moving to PA this summer), but it is still going to be an emotional time for us. I dont know if it will hit me so much on Thursday, but perhaps Thursday night as I lay down. And most definitely Friday when the movers take away everything. Whats funny is that the house wont even be empty when the movers leave, as I have Habitat for Humanity coming next Wednesday to pick up all the old furniture. Perhaps it will really hit me on Friday night as I lay down for the first night in my new house, but only time will tell.

Honestly, my biggest fear is that he wont come with us to the new house. I am scared I wont feel his presence there, surrounding us with his love. I can feel him here from time to time, I know hes watching over us. I just want him to come with us, to move to the new house with us. Or perhaps hell haunt and terrorize the new tenants...hahaha. Thats so him too ;-) I really do just want him to come with us, and help make our new home a peaceful home as well.

Back to packing!

Read More..

On Being Vulnerable

Becoming a widow is probably one of the most devastating things that can happen to a woman, apart from losing a child, which I hope to never experience, as I am sure that would break me even more so than I already am.

It is raw. It is like being punched in the gut repeatedly. It is like getting your heart torn out while its still beating. And it makes you vulnerable. Oh does it ever make you vulnerable.

Im so afraid of this new label and what it means to me, how it defines me. Ill be completely honest, I am afraid to tell people I am a widow. Yes, I am a widow; My husband died in my arms and I will forever carry that heartache, but I dont want to be thought of as just a widow. It is me, yet it is not me. It is not all that I am, and it is not all encompassing. But I really am afraid of what people will think of me when they find out I am a widow, that they will have these pre-conceived notions of how I should be, act and do.

It really shouldnt matter to me what people think about me and my situation. Really, the only persons whose opinion matters is my own, but why am I so ashamed of me? Why am I scared of this label?

I met someone the other day who I didnt want to tell about my situation. I was afraid to tell the truth. See, I can tell people I am a widow. Hell, it says so on my twitter page and on my face book page that I am a widow. But I dont like to share the details of the past five months ago, or the fact that it was even five months ago. But my blog was found, and the whole five months of blog entries were read. I wasnt hiding it, but I wasnt exactly advertising it either. And you know what? Im am OK with that. In fact, I feel like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders because I dont have to hide anymore. I can be ME, I can cry and not be afraid of what will be thought of me. I can be open, and I can talk about it, and I dont have to stress about it anymore. I so very, very much appreciate the thoughtfulness and caring attitude I got after my blog was read, especially since I was so scared of the response I would get (yes, I know Im very public with it, but what can I say, Im a conundrum!).

I dont even know where I was going with this blog post. I feel like its all jumbled up. I was tired, and I wrote this off and on while watching "New Moon". I guess what I am really trying to say is that while its a very scary thing to be vulnerable, sometimes it is perfectly acceptable to be that way. I learned today that it is OK to be open with my feelings, and not worry what others will think about me. I think I have to learn to be more open, because if I am not, then it just eats away at me. Knowing I can tell the truth and not be judged is an awesome feeling. Just awesome.

And I just have to say, thank you to this person for making me realize that. I appreciate it more than you will ever know. Thank you for helping me overcome this hurdle without even knowing you did so.

Honesty really is the best policy.

Read More..